Masked Reflections
by PandaGirl2019
Summary: Steve's recovery from the past continues, as Sodapop faces his own life-changing trauma that leads to unexpected challenges and pain that goes much deeper than his physical wound. Perspectives change, as the twisting road to peace highlights the power of friendship, transparency, and empathy. Companion to "Shadows of Healing."
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I decided to go ahead and post this because I'm super excited about this story, and (apparently, from the length of this chapter), I have a more than solid start! Even if you haven't read Shadows, or not read all of it, the main parts of this chapter will still make sense :)

The sound of the cash register closing filled Soda's ears, as he counted change back to the customer in front of him. "That's forty-six cents." He smiled, as she took the coins. "You have a nice night!"

Steve watched, as the lady smiled back at Soda, before picking up her purse and beginning to walk away. He heard his best friend whistling, rolling his eyes at the good naturedness that characterized him this late in what had been a very long day. "Ain't you tired, man? I know I am."

Soda shrugged, still whistling, as he wiped down the counter. "You can go ahead and go if you want to. I'll close up." He held the rag in his hand, as he made his way to the door and turned over the sign on the window to read, "Sorry, we are closed."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You did a lot in the garage tonight, man. Go on. I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

Pony threw his laundry into a pile on the floor, as he rolled his eyes at his big brother. "Come on, Darry. Quit treating me like a kid. I've shown you I'm responsible, and it's the weekend. I'll work on it tomorrow."

Darry stood in Pony's bedroom doorway and sighed. "All right. Go on then. Go to the movie. But, remember, you can't always just put off things until tomorrow."

* * *

Steve smiled, watching his dad spray on cologne. "Hey, take it easy on that stuff. You don't want to scare Audrey off!"

Nicholas straightened out the cuffs of his shirt, looking at his dark hair in the mirror. "Are you sure this is okay with you, Son? Because if it's not-"

"Yes, Dad." Steve smoothed down Nicholas' shirt collar, then let his hand rest on his shoulder. "It's okay. _I'm _okay. Audrey's nice. I like her."

"I like her too. It's just it's been so long."

"I know. And I know what else you're thinking too. But it's okay. This isn't that."

"Thank you, Son. For saying that." Nicholas glanced at the watch on his wrist. "I know it's supposed to be a late dinner, but I'm going to be very late to pick up Audrey if I don't get a move on."

"So go. Have fun. Kiss Audrey. Eat too much. Please. I love you, Dad. Live your life."

* * *

Vivian wound up the small music box, a gift from just before Matthew had been born. The blue teddy bears moved in circles, as the lullaby played, a soothing tune that made her eyes once again brim with tears, remembering her doctor's confirmation that afternoon.

She felt Samuel take her hand, as she heard his concerned voice. "What's wrong, honey?"

Vivian turned her head to look at her husband, the lullaby still playing in her ears. "Nothing." She lifted a hand to touch her belly, the knowledge already changing her. "I'm pregnant."

* * *

Nicholas found himself laughing, the sound echoing inside his own chest. "That's great! So what'd you say next?"

Audrey smiled, her brown eyes bright, as she listened to Nicholas' laughter. "I love that."

"Huh?"

"Your laugh. I love hearing it. I didn't even think anything I said was that funny, but it's contagious."

Nicholas looked down at the cloth covered table between them that held the dinner plates they'd yet to finish. "Well, to be honest, I've cried a lot this past year." He reached for Audrey's hand and squeezed it, still smiling, his blue eyes meeting hers. "So it feels really good to laugh."

* * *

Soda held the phone receiver to his ear. "Yeah, Dar. I'm about done. Nah, my car's not ready yet. Garage was pretty busy today." He looked around the DX station, going through the mental checklist for closing. "Yeah. I'll see you in a few minutes then."

Soda hung up the phone and grabbed the broom from behind the counter. He swept the floor, pausing to straighten items on shelves. Finding a box he left out when he'd been stocking the refrigerator, he picked it up and took it to the back. When he returned, he resumed sweeping, whistling, as his feet moved along the floor, filling up the silence that shrouded the DX this late in the evening.

Depositing the swept up dirt in the trash, Soda looked out the window, watching for the headlights that would signal Darry's arrival. Seeing no sign of his big brother as of yet, he cleared what remained on the counter, leaving only the locked cash register.

Focused on his closing tasks, his whistling the only sound to be heard, Soda also didn't see the presence that lurked outside, waiting in the dark for the perfect moment in which to strike.

* * *

Steve, clad in only shorts and a white undershirt, lifted his socked feet onto the coffee table, as he ate a slice of pizza. "Get Smart" played on the television, and he laughed outloud at Max and the Chief, his mouth full of cheese and pepperoni. "Man, that's some damn loud silence."

Steve listened to the banter on the screen, the agent and the chief garbling up their messages, as in a game of telephone, even though their voices only got louder. He continued to eat the pizza, as the show's humorous cone of silence lifted up, the conversation moving on, before a commercial break.

Steve moved his feet to the music of a bubble gum ad, the beat catching his attention, as his thoughts still drifted to Nicholas and Audrey. They'd met at church just after Christmas when Audrey had come to visit Samuel, who was her younger brother. Then, in the wake of some changes in her life, she'd decided to move from Oklahoma City to Tulsa. Steve had known pretty quickly that his dad liked Audrey, though Nicholas had adamantly denied it at first. It seemed that once he knew he had his son's approval, he was ready to ask her out.

Steve couldn't help but smile, as he remembered the way Nicholas had looked at Audrey the first time they talked. He nearly laughed outloud again, at the memory of his dad's denial of romantic interest, though that had led to a serious conversation between father and son.

Steve very much understood Nicholas' worries about dating, but he had no intention of letting his dad's choices be dictated by the past they'd both worked so hard to overcome.

* * *

Darry pressed on the brake pedal yet again, though he'd just passed through a green light. He craned his neck to see around the car in front of him, making out the scene of an accident.

He could feel his heart clench, even though it didn't look like a fatal collision. He and his brothers had lost their parents in an auto accident, so the scene was a reminder of a day he'd never forget.

Darry watched, as the blue lights of a police car approached the scene. Even in the dark, he could see three individuals on the side of the road, figuring two of them must have been the drivers of the two vehicles that remained in the street. They look like they'll be all right, he thought.

Darry's gaze hovered over the two cars, able to tell one had likely been making a left turn out of the nearest intersection when the other struck it. But it could've been a lot worse, he thought. Thank God it wasn't.

* * *

Soda stood counting out the change he'd had in his wallet. "Damn, it's too quiet around here." A quarter hit the counter, the sound of silver meeting wood breaking the silence.

Soda started to put the quarter and his dimes and nickels in a stack, whistling as he did so. He looked up when he heard the bell above the door to the station ding, the typical daily sound unexpected late at night.

* * *

Samuel could hear the sound of the music box that still played, and he stared at the teddy bears, the news sinking into his mind.

Vivian guided Samuel back, leading him to sit down on their bed. She squeezed his hand that hadn't let go of hers, though he'd been speechless since her announcement. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

Samuel spoke, his voice one of trepidation, even though they'd discussed having another child. "I want to be happy. I do."

Vivian's tone didn't hold a single note of animosity when she replied. "But you're not?"

The music box's tune ended, the sound of the soothing lullaby no longer playing in Samuel's ears. "I'm trying to be. But I think I'm scared to death."

* * *

Nicholas picked up his own empty plate and Audrey's, handing them to their waitress. "Well, Steve did tell me to eat too much. He won't be able to say I didn't listen to him."

Audrey moved the straw in her glass around, making the pieces of ice go in circles. "I like watching you with your son."

"What do you mean?"

"You just seem so close. I think it's really beautiful."

"You know, your brother said something like that once."

"Well, I guess that makes us both right. And he thinks he's the only one who's good at reading people."

"He really is good at that. It's definitely one reason we became friends. But yeah, you're absolutely right. Steve and I are very close. He's the most important person in my life, and I love him more than anything."

"That's so sweet, Nicholas."

"Well, he _is _my son. And we've been through a lot together. We actually weren't always close."

"I think that makes it even more of a blessing then."

* * *

Soda's whole body shook, as he fumbled with the key to the cash register. He had just succeeded in sliding it into the lock when he heard the gunshot.

* * *

Darry could still see the site of the car accident in his rear-view mirror, as he continued on toward the DX to pick up Soda. He paused at the next "STOP" sign, looking each way to check for oncoming cars.

He saw a set of headlights quickly approaching and waited for the vehicle to pass him, before he crossed the last intersection on this route to the gas station.

* * *

Pain erupted in Soda's body, and he stumbled backward, before dropping to the floor, stricken by the force that could only be created by a bullet.

* * *

Darry's truck rolled into the DX parking lot, though he was completely unaware of the presence that had not long ago fled from the area. He parked near the door and honked his horn, expecting Soda to respond. When his brother didn't come out of the building, he hopped out of the truck, going inside himself. "Hey, little buddy, sorry I-"

Darry's thought remained unfinished, as he took in the sight of his little brother, an urgency overtaking him, making him rush forward to help.

* * *

Steve closed the lid on the pizza box, before venturing into the kitchen to put the remaining slices in the refrigerator. He then flipped on the porch light, intending to leave it on for Nicholas, just as his dad always did for him.

* * *

Soda clutched his arm, eyes closed against the pain, as blood pooled around his fingers and onto the floor.

He felt Darry drop down beside him and opened his eyes to reassure himself of his big brother's presence. "It hurts, Darry. It hurts. He shot me, but I was doing what he said, I swear."

Darry had taken off his jacket and was wrapping it around the wound, applying pressure to slow the bleeding. "I know, little buddy. It's okay. I'm here. Try to stay calm, all right? I'm about to call for help."

* * *

Vivian put her hand on her belly, staring at the material of her purple pajama top, as if she could see through it to the child growing inside her. "It's okay if you're scared, Samuel. I just need to know you're here beside me."

Samuel gazed at his wife, the realization that he was going to be a father again still only serving to renew both his grief and fear of the future. "Of course I'm beside you, Vivian. I love you with my whole heart."

Vivian reached to thread her fingers through her husband's light brown hair, the color of it and the blue of his eyes always reminding her of Matthew. "We're not trying to replace him. We couldn't, and I don't even want to. We talked about all of that, remember?"

"I know. But it's different, knowing there actually is a baby. I want us to have a child. One who's here with us. I want to tell him or her all about their big brother. I want to see you be a mom again."

Vivian took Samuel's hand and placed it on her belly, intertwining their fingers. "And I want to see you be a dad again."

* * *

Darry watched for the ambulance, expecting to hear the sirens any moment. He kept one hand on the jacket still wrapped around the bullet wound, keeping a steady pressure on it, though the bleeding had slowed. He looked at his little brother's face, using his free arm to pull him close, so that Soda's head could rest on his chest. "You're going to be okay, Pepsi Cola. I promise. Help is coming. Talk to me. Tell me anything."

Soda stared at the blood that had come from his wound, seeing it had soaked through Darry's jacket and covered his hands. The pain reverberated up and down his arm, as if attempting to spread throughout the rest of his body. "Nothing's ever felt like this, Dar. So glad you're here."

Darry heard the drowsiness in Soda's voice and the slur of his words. "Stay awake for me. Don't go to sleep, little buddy. I know it hurts, and I know you're tired. But you have to stay awake."

Soda forced his eyes to stay open, as he tried to focus on the feel of Darry's hand that was stroking the side of his head. "Need to call Coleman. Feel kind of sick, Dar."

Darry watched the steady rise and fall of Soda's chest, reassuring himself his brother would live. He needed to get to a hospital, but he wasn't dying. "I know, but it's okay, Sodapop."

"Glad Steve went home."

Darry heard the sound of fast approaching sirens, then saw the red emergency lights headed their way, just as Soda's eyes drifted closed.

* * *

Nicholas walked beside Audrey, their feet moving along the stone path that led to the front of her house. "This makes me feel like a teenager again."

Audrey took her house key out of her purse, as they went up the few steps to get to the door. "I hope that's a good thing. So I'll see you at church on Sunday?"

Nicholas spoke the first reply that popped into his mind. "My son told me I should kiss you."

Audrey laughed. "So are you going to listen to him?"

Nicholas, not needing words this time, leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers.

* * *

Darry watched, as the stretcher Soda was on was loaded into the waiting ambulance. He's going to be okay, he told himself. They're taking care of him. This could be so much worse.

A paramedic, about to close the doors, called to Darry. "Hey, you riding with him?"

Darry gave his truck a quick glance. But I'm not leaving Soda, he thought. "Yes! I'm coming!" He jumped into the ambulance, immediately grasping his brother's left hand, where an IV had already been inserted.

Soda's eyes fluttered open, aware of the paramedics around him, working to minimize blood loss and stabilize his vital signs. He felt the ambulance begin to move, squeezing Darry's hand. "Glad you're still with me, Dar."

Darry found himself staring at Soda's right arm, a temporary bandage now in place to stop the bleeding. He imagined where else the bullet could've gone, knowing the fatal consequences a gunshot could bring. He looked at Soda's face, his brother's brown eyes gazing back at him, as an oxygen mask was put in place. "Of course I'm with you. I'm staying right here, Pepsi Cola."

* * *

Nicholas closed the front door quietly behind him, not wanting to make his presence known just yet. However, when he turned around, he nearly jumped. "I didn't know you were standing there, Son."

Steve chuckled and hopped up on the counter. "So how was your date?"

"You know, I think you enjoy this a little too much."

"Maybe. But it's fun."

Nicholas leaned back against the counter, as he sighed. "I like her."

Steve wrapped an arm around Nicholas' shoulders, unable to stop smiling. "Duh, Dad. Everyone knows that."

"Everyone does not know that!"

Steve rolled his eyes. "All right. Live in your denial."

"I kissed her, like you told me to."

"I hope you didn't do it just because of that."

"Of course not."

A silence hung between them until Steve spoke again, his tone taking on a more serious note. "It really is okay, Dad. Like I said earlier. You know that. We talked about all of this."

"I know."

"Nothing is going to happen."

"Audrey said she likes watching me and you together. She told me it's beautiful."

"What is?"

"How close we are. She can see it."

Steve only nodded, waiting for Nicholas to go on.

"I told her you're the most important person in my life, that I love you more than anything. Then, she said I'm sweet."

"That doesn't surprise me."

"What doesn't?"

"That she called you sweet. Any woman would after hearing you talk about me like that."

Nicholas raised an eyebrow, trying to sound offended. "Are you saying I'm not sweet?"

Steve burst out laughing. "Nah. Of course you are. Besides, it doesn't matter what I think."

"It doesn't?"

"It matters what she thinks, and well, it's pretty obvious she likes you too."

Nicholas stared into space, his memory taking him back through the night. "She liked my laugh."

"Man, Dad, you're hanging on her every word, aren't you?"

"She's beautiful, Son. That's why I kissed her."

"Yeah. I figured that."

"I really do like her."

"Yeah. I know that. It's written all over your face, Dad."

* * *

Darry, the forms he'd been given completed and all urgent questions answered, dropped into a chair in the waiting area just outside the doors where Soda had been taken for emergency assessment. He looked down at his hands, both of them stained with his little brother's blood. His eyes then drifted to his clothes that also carried the red-colored evidence of what had happened tonight.

But what did happen? Darry asked himself. Why had this person, whoever he was, shot Sodapop?

Darry, not wanting to get lost in those questions or ready to confront the others on his mind, followed the sign that led to the nearest bathroom. He went inside and turned on the sink, letting warm water and soap wash Soda's blood off his skin and down the drain.

* * *

Nicholas was startled by Steve's presence for the second time that night when he burst into his bedroom. "Son, what-"

Steve grabbed Nicholas' arm, squeezing it tightly. "Dad, it's Soda. Please. Come with me. Let's go. I can't wait here. I can't."

"Hold on, Steve. What happened?"

"Darry just called. Soda's in the hospital."

"What's wrong with him, Son? Is he hurt or something?"

Steve didn't loosen his hold on Nicholas' arm, the news Darry had given him still not feeling real. "He got shot. He bled a lot. But Darry says he's going to be all right. He's in surgery right now."

* * *

Darry stared through the tiny windows on the double doors that led to the trauma area, where he'd been told Soda was in surgery. You're going to be all right, little buddy, he thought. Just hang in there, while they help you.

Darry heard hurried footsteps behind him and turned to see Steve and Nicholas. But before he could say anything, Steve had him by the shoulders, his grip only growing stronger, as he spoke. "Darry, have you heard anything else? Is he doing okay?"

"I haven't heard anything else yet."

"Did Soda tell you what happened?"

"Not all of it. When I got to him, he talked to me some, but he got pretty tired and passed out for a little bit, while we were waiting for the ambulance. I think someone robbed the DX. Soda said he was doing what 'he' said, but he shot him."

Steve let go of Darry's shoulders, then fell down into a chair. "And he was shot in the arm?"

"Yeah. I got there pretty soon after. If I hadn't..." Darry let the thought he couldn't bear to finish trail off, as he let out a breath. "But he's going to be okay. They're helping him, and he'll recover."

Nicholas spoke up next, as he sat down in the chair that was next to Steve. "What exactly is the surgery for?"

Darry recalled what the last doctor he'd talked with had said, the information something he could repeat, even though the events of the night had yet to fully hit him. "To get the bullet out, and they said it looks like it hit a vein, so that needs to be repaired."

Steve tried not to picture Soda bleeding in the middle of the DX, only being able to imagine how hard that must've been for Darry to see. "Where's Ponyboy?"

Darry looked at the clock on the wall that hung near the front desk. "Maybe home. I've tried calling, but he must've not been back from the movies yet." He looked between Nicholas and Steve. "I need to try again, so if he answers, could one of you go pick him up for me? I rode in the ambulance with Soda, so my truck is still at the DX."

Nicholas glanced at Steve, the blank expression on his face telling him his son was still attempting to process what he'd been told about his best friend. "I'll go pick him up, Darry. Anything else you need, just tell me."

Darry found himself looking down at his blood stained clothes again. "Thanks. Thanks for being here too. I'm going to call home. I'll ask Pony to bring me some clean clothes too."

As Darry went in the direction of the phone, Nicholas leaned close to Steve. "You heard what Darry just said. He's going to be okay."

"It's Soda, Dad. He was shot, and he was alone." Steve looked at Nicholas, his own blue eyes seeming to search his dad's, as he felt a hand on his back. "It's Soda."

* * *

TwoBit pulled Pony into a headlock, as they both stumbled into the Curtis' living room. "I'm telling you, Kid. It would've loosened you up a little bit tonight."

Pony, gaining the advantage, pushed his slightly buzzed buddy off, as he rejected the idea. "Nah, then I'd smell like you. Besides, Darry would kill me."

"Aw, not like Superman didn't have a couple of beers when he was your age."

Before Pony could reply, the phone started to ring. He saw TwoBit stick his tongue out at him, and he reciprocated by giving his older friend the middle finger, as he greeted the caller. "Hello?"

TwoBit laughed, as he shoved Pony, then flipped on the television.

Pony heard Darry's voice on the line, and his face fell, all traces of humor gone from his features. "What are you talking about, Darry? What do you mean he was shot?"

TwoBit ignored the television, turning instead to stare at Pony.

"Okay. I will. I'll wait outside. See you in a little bit."

TwoBit watched Pony hang up the phone, speaking only when the boy remained silent. "What happened, Kid? Who the hell got shot?"

"Sodapop." Pony could hear his own voice shake, as he thought of the brother he loved so much in pain and bleeding; of how they'd come too close to losing him. "He got shot at the DX tonight."

* * *

Samuel heard the back door creak, as he stepped outside, seeking the comfort of fresh air and the visible assurance of God's constant presence. "God, I thought I had some peace about this. But it feels different now. It's not that I don't want this baby. I do. I really do."

Samuel let his eyes close, the night around him quiet. "I already love this child. But you know the rest, God. You know why that makes it even scarier."

* * *

"Are you absolutely certain your brother wasn't involved, Mr. Curtis?"

"He's the one who's hurt, you asshole! You don't even give a damn about him!"

Darry seized Steve's arm and pulled him away from Officer Green, then shoved an empty styrofoam cup into his hands. "Steve, go get me some more coffee."

Steve eyed Officer Green, his glare harder than steel, coldness radiating off him, before he stalked off to the other end of the hall.

Darry turned back to the pair of officers in front of him, but ignored Officer Green, speaking directly to his partner, Officer Rhodes. "The only thing Sodapop was involved in tonight is doing his job."

Officer Green spoke once more, not yet finished with the line of thought in his mind. "We know your other brother was once involved in a murder, Mr. Curtis, and you all and that boy you just sent away were all friends with Dallas Winston. You can't blame us for asking questions."

Officer Rhodes shot his partner a look that made him close his mouth. "I'm sorry, Mr. Curtis. You'll have to excuse Officer Green here. He's obviously new at this."

Darry could see Steve watching them from a distance and shook his head at him. Don't come back over here yet, he thought. You'll just get yourself in trouble. He turned back to Officer Rhodes. "All I know is my brother was working tonight, and someone shot him. That's it." Darry looked at Officer Green, keeping his voice level in defense of the brother he knew wore his heart on his sleeve, never out to hurt anyone. "If you knew Sodapop at all, you'd know this is the last thing he'd ever be involved in. He's the victim here."

Officer Rhodes spoke, before his partner could reply. "Thank you for your time, Mr. Curtis. I'm so sorry, and I pray your brother makes a full recovery. When he's up to it, I'd like to speak with him."

Darry saw Nicholas headed in his direction, Ponyboy hurrying ahead of him with TwoBit not far behind. "Thank you. You may speak to him when he's ready." Darry's eyes shifted to the other officer. "But only you."

Officer Rhodes put his hand out for Darry to shake. "Understood. I think we're done here for right now then. I'll see you again soon, Mr. Curtis. Take care."

Darry felt himself being crushed in a hug, as the officers walked toward the building's exit. He returned his youngest brother's embrace. "It's okay, Pony. Soda's going to be fine. I got to him in time."

Despite the truthful reassurance, Pony felt tears fall out of his eyes. "It's still scary. When can we see him?"

Darry spoke, as Pony pulled away from him. "Someone will let me know when he's out of surgery. So, hopefully, real soon after that."

TwoBit plopped down into a chair near Pony. "What'd the fuzz want?"

Darry put his arm over Pony's shoulders, guiding him to sit down between himself and TwoBit. "It's a shooting, so they have to investigate, though I can tell you only one of them gives a damn about it at all anyway."

Nicholas looked around the waiting area, not seeing his son. "Where's Steve?"

Darry glanced down the hall, where he'd last seen Steve, but he wasn't there now. "He got pretty pissed. That cop was asking if Soda could be involved, like he'd done something wrong. I told him to go get me more coffee cause he was about to attack the guy. I'm not sure where he actually went though."

Nicholas sighed, before heading toward where he knew there was a small vending area, deciding to check there first.

TwoBit put a hand on Pony's shoulder, seeing he was still crying. "It's going to be okay, Kiddo. Soda's tough."

Pony nodded, before letting his head drop onto Darry's shoulder. "I know. But it's hard hearing he's hurt so bad, and it's hard to know someone actually did that to him. Soda's the last person who deserves to be in pain."

* * *

Steve found himself wandering the halls, Darry's cup of coffee forgotten, though his anger still simmered. "Fuckin' cop doesn't know a damn thing. I wish I could hit him without getting hauled in. He was asking for it."

Steve came to a set of double doors at the end of the hallway he'd walked down, seeing the sign that read, "Chapel." He peeked into the small windows, the view of the dimly lit sanctuary telling him it was empty. He stepped inside, finding though it was smaller, it reminded him of the church he'd grown so fond of in the last several months.

Steve made his way to the end of a pew in the back row, looking around once more to make sure he was alone, before he kneeled down, letting his knees hit the wine colored carpet. "God, maybe I don't even got to ask you cause I know Soda's alive. It's not like I think he's dying in there. But he's having surgery and he's hurt. So I still want to tell you to please let him be okay."

Steve felt his eyes fill with tears, as he laid his head down on the pew in front of him, the wood pressing against his face. "He could've died tonight, and I'm not okay about that at all, God. But I'm sure you already knew that anyway. None are us are going to be all right with it."

Steve didn't bother wiping the tears from his face, simply letting them fall onto the pew. "I guess maybe I sort of know how he must've felt now. And I won't ever forget it, God. I won't be able to. I keep thinking I should be praying better or something, but the only thing I know to say is please make Soda be okay."

Steve drew in a slow breath, letting his eyes close, as he imagined God's presence surrounding him, hoping for the comfort he'd found in it before. His voice dropped to almost a whisper, the tears still falling from his eyes. "It's Soda, God. And we need him to be all right. So please take care of him."

Steve lifted his head up, hands resting on the wood of the pew, as his eyes drifted to the low ceiling above him. "I know he must've been so scared, and I hate that." Finding that, despite the peace of the chapel, the silence was beginning to allow his thoughts to go in an even more troubled direction, Steve got to his feet, a quick glance at the door telling him he was still alone, as he finished his prayer. "God, I know you're always with me. So make sure Soda knows you're with him too."

A/N : I obviously do not own "Get Smart" anymore than I own "The Outsiders!" :)


	2. Chapter 2

The predictability of the blue and yellow square patterned wallpaper did little to soothe the group waiting for news about Sodapop, the hospital's atmosphere thick with tension and the kind of sadness that was so heavy, it seemed tangible.

Dr. Simons, confident in his own abilities, and that of the whole medical staff at St. John's, rehearsed the news he had to deliver, thankful to know it would be well received by the group that appeared so tight-knit. He approached the man who had previously introduced himself as his patient's older brother. "Family of Sodapop Curtis?"

Five expectant pairs of eyes looked at the doctor, though only Darry stood up, realizing his own role. "Yes! Is he okay? When can we see him?"

Dr. Simons looked into the eyes of this exhausted brother, a man he knew had likely saved the patient's life with his own arrival to the scene. "Your brother is in recovery, Mr. Curtis. He isn't awake yet. We removed the bullet and repaired the ruptured vein in Sodapop's right arm."

Darry felt Pony come and stand next to him, soon followed by Steve, as he nodded along, urging the doctor to continue.

"His vital signs are all stable, meaning his breathing and heart rate are fine. I was concerned about his blood pressure earlier, but it's steadily increasing. We stitched up and bandaged the bullet wound, which is, of course, going to need some follow-up care to heal. But we're giving him antibiotics to prevent infection, as well as pain medicine."

Pony spoke next, his nerves remaining on edge, though this all sounded like good news. "So when will he wake up?"

Dr. Simons smiled, able to see the relief on the faces of all listening to him talk about Sodapop. "He'll wake up soon, but he needs the rest for right now anyway. As always with this type of trauma, I'm concerned there could be other physical complications, meaning I'll keep an eye on him for signs of soft tissue or nerve damage. But those kinds of issues can be managed over time. He's certainly in stable and much improved condition, and he's doing as well as can be expected."

Darry shook Dr. Simons' hand. "Thank you so much. So we can see him, while he's in recovery?"

Dr. Simons, seeing the eagerness of the group, nodded. "But only two of you at a time, please."

* * *

The world of unconsciousness lost its grip on Soda, as he felt himself begin to wake up, though his eyelids felt too heavy to open.

"It's okay if you just need to rest, little buddy. But I want you to know me and Pony are right here."

"Yeah, Soda. I really want you to wake up, but it's all right if you can't. I'm just glad you're okay."

Soda recognized the voices as Darry's and Pony's, able to feel one hand touching his own and another on his shoulder. Why do I need to rest? he wondered. And why is Pony glad I'm okay? Why wouldn't I be okay?

Soda managed to open his eyes, wanting answers to his questions, though sleep still beckoned him to fall back into it. He groaned, focusing his vision enough to see both of his brothers, mumbled words coming from his lips. "What happened to me?"

Darry answered first, as he touched Soda's cheek. "You got hurt, Sodapop. You had to have surgery. But you're already getting better."

Soda moved his toes and licked his dry lips. "Hurt?" The word sank into his mind, as the night came back to him in pieces. He shifted his barely open eyes to look at his right arm, seeing it was bandaged up with a splint surrounding it. "He shot me."

Darry slid the chair behind him closer to Soda's bed, then settled into it. "Yeah. I was on my way to pick you up."

Soda flexed his fingers and moved his arm slightly, as he eyed the bandage, picturing the wound he knew was underneath it, the bullet hole that had bled so much. "Feels kind of funny, but doesn't hurt that much right now." He turned his head, meeting Darry's eyes. "You probably saved my life, Dar."

Darry felt tears in his eyes at the sincere statement, the truths within and underneath it hurting his heart. "I love you, little buddy, and I'm so glad I was there to help."

* * *

In a plastic chair next to a window sat Steve, his eyes staring through the glass, even though the night's darkness didn't allow for the most colorful or soothing view of the hospital's blooming spring garden.

Nicholas, realizing the reassurances and the good news had already been spoken, sat with his son, remaining quiet for the moment.

"I know he's okay, but I don't feel okay at all, Dad."

"That's all right, Son. Soda's your best friend, and he got hurt. I don't expect you to feel okay about that."

"Getting hurt is falling on the ground and scraping up your knee, or getting a black eye."

Nicholas waited, believing Steve had to get out whatever he was thinking, the logic of what it meant to get hurt becoming a springboard.

"Or your girl breaking your heart. He didn't just get hurt, Dad."

Nicholas, knowing his son in the deepest ways he could, heard more than the argument in his raised voice, more than the sheltering anger.

"He didn't just get a hole in his arm! Someone, some asshole, did that to him, and he could've bled to death. No one said it outloud, but I know it! I know it, Dad. So don't say he got hurt!"

Nicholas wrapped Steve in a hug, absorbing the resentment being directed at him, knowing the pain and fear that lay beneath it.

"Sorry I yelled at you."

"I know you need to get it off your chest, so it's okay, Son. It's okay."

Steve let himself sink into the embrace, his arms also going around his dad, as he rested his head on his chest. "I need to see him. I think I'll feel better after I do."

* * *

Soda smiled at Pony, finding it felt good, despite the grogginess and fatigue in his physical body. He reached out with his hand that had the IV tubing attached to squeeze his little brother's hand. "I'm okay, Pone."

Pony slid both arms around Soda, careful of the IV and his injured arm. "I know. But you scared us to death."

Darry moved to Soda's other side, an arm around him, as he kissed the top of his head. "I'm going to go get Steve, little buddy. He really wants to see you too."

* * *

The self-deprecating thoughts remained without a voice, the sting of regret sharp, while Soda's softly spoken words greeted his best friend. "Hey, come on in here, Stevie."

Steve found he couldn't speak, as he sat down in the chair beside Soda's bed, his focus split between logical knowledge and emotion. He gripped the sleeve of his best friend's hospital gown, his eyes wandering to Soda's injured arm. He saw the bandage that covered it, protecting the wound inflicted by the bullet, allowing it to heal.

Soda followed Steve's gaze. "I ain't going to lie to you. I was scared. I was trying to do what he said and give him the money, but he shot me. It hurts, but I'm here. I'm alive."

Steve's fingers still gripped the sleeve of the hospital gown, both an apology and an admission dying on his lips, as he leaned closer and laid his head on Soda's shoulder. "You're going to be fine. Just fine, buddy."

Soda turned slightly, then lifted his uninjured arm to wrap it around Steve, his voice growing unsteady, as tears sprang up in his eyes. "I've never felt anything like that, Stevie. And there was so much blood. If Darry hadn't come when he did-"

Steve's chest ached, and he shook, as he tried not to cry again, both hands now holding onto Soda. Just as he'd told Nicholas, he knew what the outcome would've been if Darry had been much later, if Soda had been left alone, if he hadn't been able to call for help, if- "But he did. So don't even go there, buddy." Please, he thought. Don't ever go there.

* * *

The silence of the hospital chapel wasn't broken, even when the door opened, and Nicholas stepped inside the familiar sanctuary. He spotted Steve in a back row pew. "Hey, I was just looking for you."

Steve remembered how he'd left Soda's room, knowing his friend was about to fall back asleep and that he certainly needed the rest. "I just came here."

Nicholas sat down beside Steve, his eyes drifting to a pew on the front row. "I came here when you were in the hospital too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. The second night you were admitted. Samuel told me it was here. He sat and prayed with me after I told him I couldn't do it without crying."

"I didn't know he came when I was here."

"He did. I remember when I got back to your room, you told me I looked like I'd been crying."

"I was in here earlier too. When Soda was still in surgery. I cried and prayed. That's all I've done this whole night. And yell too. Can't forget that."

"It's been a really rough night, Son."

"Dad, I don't feel better. I thought I would."

"What do you mean?"

"I thought I'd feel better after I saw Soda. But I don't. I mean, I'm glad I saw him, but...I don't know."

"It might take more time. That's all. It's been a lot to take in."

"But he's okay. And it's not like I'm the one who got shot. I know why I feel the way I do, but I keep thinking I shouldn't."

"Son, you love Soda so much. We all love him. It's hard to see him in any kind of pain. And, like you told me earlier, it's worse to know what could've happened."

"Soda was in such a good mood at work tonight, whistling and stuff, that I rolled my eyes at him."

Nicholas smiled at the image. "That sounds like both of you."

"Then, he told me to go on home, that he'd close up. So I did, then I made you go on your date."

"You made me, huh?"

Steve chuckled, even while he realized it didn't feel right. "Yeah. I did. Then, I watched TV and laughed at the show and ate pizza."

"You were having a normal Friday night."

"Yeah. And it's weird to think about cause Soda didn't know what was about to happen. I didn't know what was about to happen, and when he got shot, I was probably laughing at the stupid TV or teasing you about Audrey."

"We never know, Son. We never know when something bad might happen."

"It wasn't a normal night at all. When Darry called, what he told me, that's the worst thing I've ever heard."

* * *

Nicholas parked his car beside Darry's truck in the DX lot, post-dawn light surrounding the station. "I think I'm going to go back and get Steve, then take him home."

Darry nodded from the passenger seat, looking inside the DX, seeing that it was clean and intact, making it appear as if nothing had even happened just several hours before. "I'm going to do the same with Ponyboy. Soda's just going to sleep now, so we should all get some rest. Just being able to see he's going to be all right makes me feel like I can relax now, you know?"

"Yeah. I can understand that."

"Did Steve ever call Mr. Coleman?"

"Yeah. He did not long after Soda got out of surgery. Of course, he already knew what happened because the police called him too."

"He'll probably go see Soda soon. Dr. Simons hasn't really said how long he'll be in the hospital, but I'm thinking it'll be at least a couple of days."

Nicholas touched Darry's arm, as he saw him reach for the door handle. "I meant what I said before. If you or Pony need anything, let me know. And, of course, if Soda needs anything. You know I love him too."

"Thanks. I do know that. It's impossible not to love him, isn't it?" Darry's hand dropped away from the door handle, as he sighed. "I'm actually really worried about how all of this is going to affect him." He looked at the DX building, memories from the night before crystal clear. "I don't just mean physically either. Damn, Soda loves life, and he could've died. He takes things hard. Not he shouldn't. I'm just worried this is going to hurt him emotionally too."

"I can see why you would be. To be honest, it worries me too. I know Soda's been through a lot. All of you have. But he sure has stayed at Steve's side through everything this past year too. So it goes without saying, but I want you to remember he won't ever be alone in anything."

* * *

"I just gave him some more pain medicine, so he should be able to keep resting well."

Pony nodded at the nurse named Rita, his eyes only leaving Soda long enough to notice her red hair that reminded him of Cherry Valance. "Okay. Thank you."

Steve sat on Soda's other side, his fingers grazing the edge of the splint around his injured arm. "So he's really doing okay?"

Rita picked up her clipboard, noting Soda's vital signs that were normal and stable. "Absolutely." She looked at both Steve and Pony, realizing the night before hadn't only been rough for her patient. "Dr. Simons says it's fine for you boys to sit with Sodapop as long as you behave yourselves, but it's okay for you to go home and get some rest too. I promise we're taking good care of him."

Pony touched Soda's hand, squeezing it. "I know. I think my other brother is about to make me do that anyway. He went to pick up his truck."

Steve didn't respond to Rita's suggestion, realizing his dad was also going to want to take him home.

Pony waited until the nurse had left the room, before speaking again. "I know it's dumb, but it bothers me to leave him."

Steve shook his head, easily replying to Pony's comment with his own sentiment. "It's not dumb, Kid. I'm sitting here too, ain't I? Hell, the last time I left him-" He cut off his thought, looking away from Pony and moving his hand to rest on top of Soda's.

Pony chose not to question Steve's unfinished statement, his gaze moving to Soda's bandaged arm. "You think it'll really heal?"

"I don't know, Kid. I sure hope so."

"I was just thinking of what the doctor said about damage, and it seems, I don't know, like you can't get shot and it not always affect you somehow."

"I guess we'll just have to see. Doc sounded like he knows his stuff. People get shot all the time so..."

Pony bit his lower lip, his eyes moving over Soda, as if assessing him. "I keep telling myself he's just sleeping. But he looks awful out of it."

"That's how he can heal, Kid. That's all. Pain medicine probably knocked him out too. At least he was awake earlier, or I think it'd drive me crazy too. You know?"

"Yeah. I know." Pony looked at Steve, a unity existing between them that he didn't always feel. "I think I'm going to go grab another Pepsi. I feel like I need to move around a little anyway, or I'll start thinking too much."

"I can dig that, Kid."

Pony still stared at Soda, as he made his way out of the room. "I'll be back."

Steve grinned. "Geez, Sodapop. You're making me and Pony bond. You better wake up, before the world ends."

Soda stirred, his eyes opening slightly. "What's up, Stevie?"

"Just sitting here with you."

"When can I go home?"

"I don't know yet, buddy."

"Doesn't feel real."

"I know, man. You just need to sleep."

Steve watched Soda's eyes close again. "You're all right, you know. But I bet it just doesn't feel like it right now. You'll be out of here soon enough too."

* * *

"Aw, do I have to go, Darry?"

Darry sighed, understanding Pony's protest and also expecting it. "Yes. We're both going to go home, Pone. We'll come back later, I promise."

Pony, a can of Pepsi in his hand, glanced down the hall where Soda's room was. "I slept a little in the waiting room. I'm fine."

Darry touched the side of Pony's head, pushing the hair back off his face, before putting an arm around his shoulders. "That's not rest, little brother. Trust me. Soda's just sleeping, like he needs, and he's doing fine. We have to take care of ourselves too."

* * *

"Come on, Son. Let's go home for a little bit. You're half-asleep."

Steve opened his eyes at his dad's voice, not wanting to admit he was dozing in the plastic chair at Soda's bedside. "I am not."

"You and Ponyboy are more alike than either of you would ever admit."

"What?"

Nicholas pulled the other chair up, so he could sit beside Steve. He looked at Soda, touching his arm, as he spoke. "You're both the same way with him."

"Oh."

"I don't want to worry about you too, Steve. He's okay. Nothing's going to happen if you leave for a little while."

"That's not-" Steve looked at Nicholas, then at Soda. "That's not what I think."

"You can't be there for him if you're exhausted, Son."

"I know that. I'm coming. Just give me a minute. Okay, Dad?"

"Okay. I'll be out in the hall." Nicholas put his chair back on the other side of Soda's bed, then squeezed his hand, as a goodbye. "We'll be back later, Sodapop. You sleep as much as you need, so you can get better."

Steve felt the tension inside him growing, as Nicholas stepped into the hallway. He swallowed hard, reminding himself Soda would be staying right here.

Nicholas stood beside the door and watched Steve. He saw him draw closer to Soda, a hand on his shoulder, as he started to whisper something in his ear. Able to sense the closeness in this private moment, Nicholas turned away, tears blurring his vision. His own voice as quiet as his son's whisper, he sent up a prayer for Soda to recover fully, for God to touch him and heal him in both body and mind.

* * *

Darry held back a chuckle, as he took the Pepsi can from Pony's hand and pulled a blanket over his sleeping brother. "Fine, my ass. We barely got in the door, before you passed out."

Leaving Pony on the couch, Darry went to his bedroom, not yet aware that when he closed the door, the quietness within would lead to his soul's collision with reality.

* * *

The slam of Steve's bedroom door startled Nicholas, even in the aftermath of his son's hurried footsteps. He paused for only a moment, before deciding to check on him, quietly opening the door. "Son?"

Steve didn't look at Nicholas, facing the wall from his place on the bed. "What, Dad? You want me to rest. So I'm resting."

"You just seem like you're angry."

Steve clenched his fists, fingers gripping the pillow case. "Well, I'm not. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure. You don't have to worry about me. I know you don't want to."

"You know I didn't mean it like that, Steve."

"No, I don't! Cause I don't know anything, Dad!"

Nicholas stepped fully into Steve's bedroom. "What do you mean?"

Steve's arms wrapped around the pillow, as he pressed his face into it. "Nothing. I don't mean anything. Sorry for yelling at you again. You didn't do anything."

Nicholas put a hand on Steve's back, rubbing circles he hoped would calm him. "I know. It's okay."

"I'm not trying to be a jerk, I swear."

"You're just upset, Son. I understand that."

"Upset? I'm not just upset, Dad. I feel like I- I mean, I shouldn't have-"

Nicholas' hand went still, though he kept it on Steve's back. "Shouldn't have what?"

Steve lifted his head, his gaze locking with Nicholas' for a moment, before he tore his eyes away from his dad's gentle look that was making his heart want to open up. "Nothing. I'm just still worried about Soda."

* * *

"My stomach really hurts."

Rita listened to Soda's heartbeat, noting his pulse rate was higher than it should be. "Are you nauseous?"

Soda nodded, taking in a sharp breath. "Things look funny too, and I'm kind of dizzy."

Rita observed Soda's unsteady breathing, as she put the stethoscope back around her neck. "Sodapop, I think you're experiencing side effects from the pain medication. I'm going to call Dr. Simons."

* * *

Memories played behind Darry's closed eyes, making him jerk awake. He looked around his bedroom, his current whereabouts a reassurance. "He's okay. Soda's okay. He's just at the hospital. You're at home. He's alive."

* * *

Soda felt the oxygen mask slide onto his face. "It hurts. Please. Please make it stop."

Dr. Simons leaned close to Soda, his voice soft with the need to calm his patient. "Listen to me, Sodapop. I know you're uncomfortable. The oxygen mask is going to help you breathe better. No one here is going to hurt you."

"But he shot me. He was here, and he shot me."

* * *

Darry pulled himself out of bed, pacing down the hall to check on Pony. "See? He's okay too." But of course Pony's okay, he thought. He's not hurt. He didn't get shot.

Darry's feet carried him back to his bedroom, his train of thought still on the same track: Soda's the one who was shot. Soda's the one who had a traveling piece of metal tear into his body.

Darry pressed his hands to his face, not expecting to feel the moisture of tears. "Oh, God, we could've lost Sodapop. We almost lost him."

Realizing those words had come unbidden from his lips, like some sort of epiphany disguised as a prayer, Darry pulled his hands away from his face and looked down at them. He saw the hands that had held onto his middle brother, that had done what they could to call for help and slow down the bleeding he'd known could take Soda's life.

Tears fell down Darry's cheeks, the clear droplets landing on his hands to mix with the blood-red memories, the cries over what had happened blending with the relief that time had been on their side, not giving death a chance.

* * *

Rita held Soda's hand in both of her own, her thumbs moving in circles on his skin. "It's okay, honey. We're getting your heart rate down, and you're breathing better."

Soda relaxed, even with the discomfort that remained, inhaling the mist of oxygen, as he felt his distress beginning to subside.

* * *

"TwoBit, I swear if you don't shut the hell up right now, I'm going to put your head through that damn window over there."

TwoBit's expression became one of incredulity, not expecting the venom in Steve's voice. "Woah. Sorry, man. I was just saying I wondered. That's all."

Steve opened his dresser drawer, just to slam it closed a second later. "Well, I don't want to fuckin' talk about it, okay? It's not like we know anyone who'd do anything like that. Fighting is one thing. But this ain't a rumble, and all that shit is over with around here anyway."

"I know. I got it, buddy. I won't say anything else then."

Steve slammed his fist down on the dresser, the urge to break the mirror striking him. "It ain't you, man. I'm just pissed off at the world right now."

"Damn. You've got a right to be. I don't blame you for it at all, Steve."

Steve pressed his hand flat against the mirror, his palm touching the glass. But I do, he thought. I blame me, and I hate being this way.

* * *

"Sodapop is stable now. But I had to order a change in his pain medication because he didn't tolerate the Percodan well."

Darry stared at Dr. Simons, his thinking muddled, despite the rest he'd gotten. "Stable now? What happened?"

Dr. Simons met the eyes of the man in front of him, able to feel the concern radiating off him. "He was having side effects, and some of them were potentially serious. His heart rate increased, and he wasn't able to breathe well."

"But he's better now?"

"Yes, Mr. Curtis. His heart rate is close to normal, and he's able to breathe more efficiently. He's on oxygen for now."

"And you're certain it was because of the medication?"

"Absolutely. He also had some of the more common side effects, such as stomach pain and nausea. Those aren't severe or of great concern in most cases. But, as you can imagine, heart and respiratory issues are. He seemed disoriented as well. I'll continue to monitor him, of course, but he's doing much better now."

* * *

Soda pulled at the oxygen mask that was still on his face. "Can't I take it off, Dar? I'm all right now."

Darry put the mask back into place. "No can do, little buddy. You keep it on until Dr. Simons says you don't need it."

Pony eyed Soda's bandaged arm, finding he was curious. "How's it feel, Soda?"

Soda looked at his injured right arm, lifting it slightly and moving his wrist and fingers around. "I don't know. It aches, and my fingers feel kind of weird sometimes."

Darry, remembering Dr. Simons' words about damage, asked another question. "Weird how, Pepsi Cola?"

Soda winced at a twinge of pain from the healing bullet wound. "Kind of tingly, I guess."

Pony, noticing Darry's expression, changed the subject. "Hey, is there anything I can bring you from home? I mean, I know you can't do much, but it sure seems like you'd get bored too."

Soda lifted himself against his pillow, so he was almost sitting up, as he considered the question. "Maybe a deck of cards? And those car magazines in my room."

Darry stifled a laugh. "I know those ain't just car magazines you've got in there, little buddy."

Pony blushed, picking up on the implication of what Darry was saying.

Soda started to laugh at the look on Pony's face. "Geez, Dar, I can't believe you just said that in front of our little brother."

Pony protested, even while he was smiling a the sound of Soda's laughter. "Hey, I'm going on sixteen!"

Darry chuckled, the humor bringing some relief to the tension he felt. "But you're red as a tomato, Kiddo!"

Soda, his eyes peeking out just above the oxygen mask, winked at Pony. "Just don't go looking under my mattress. Okay, Pone?"

* * *

"Steve, you have to calm down. He's okay."

Steve felt Darry's hands on his shoulders and heard his voice, but he couldn't imagine calming down. "No. Nothing about this is okay!"

Nicholas intervened, eyeing the way Steve's jaw was clenched. "Son, the doctor took him off that medicine. So it won't happen anymore."

Steve backed up a step, making Darry's hands release him. "I just- I didn't like leaving him. I didn't like it at all and now..."

Darry moved forward, resting a hand on Steve's shoulder again. "Your dad's right, Steve. Dr. Simons changed the medication. If it helps, I didn't like leaving him either. But this is why they check vitals, and this is why Soda's still here. To keep an eye on him."

Steve didn't pull away from Darry's touch this time, but kept his jaw clenched. "He's breathing all right now?"

Darry nodded, squeezing Steve's shoulder, able to feel the tension in him. "Yes. And his heart rate is normal. Dr. Simons even let him take the oxygen mask off."

Nicholas saw Steve's eyes close, as he shared a look with Darry. "I know it's scary, Son. But it didn't happen because you weren't there with him. It happened because of-"

Steve interrupted his dad's words, finishing his sentence for him. "The medication. Okay. I hear you guys. I hear you."

Darry let his hand drop from Steve's shoulder. "I know you're worried about Soda. Hell, I know I don't talk like it all the time, but I am too."

Steve's eyes moved to Darry's face, then to his dad's. "You're both looking at me, like you think I'm about to break or something."

Nicholas sighed, putting a hand on Steve's arm. "I'm just wanting to make sure you're okay, Son."

Steve smiled a little, not as annoyed as he'd tried to make himself sound. "I know, Dad."

Darry grinned, as he nodded in the direction of his brother's hospital room. "TwoBit's in there with Soda now, and it's been a while. Maybe you should go rescue him."

* * *

"How do I look?"

Soda looked at TwoBit, who had put the oxygen mask over his own face, his eyes narrowed in focused concentration, as they shifted back and forth.

Steve's voice came from the doorway. "Like you need some serious help."

Soda tried to smile at TwoBit's offended expression, but he had to look away, a deep breath of relief escaping only when his friend moved the oxygen mask away from his face. "Hey, TwoBit, why don't you go swipe me a chocolate bar?"

TwoBit put the oxygen mask down on the bed, so it lay beside Soda. "Me? Steal chocolate? What kind of hood do you take me for?"

Steve sat down in one of the two chairs beside Soda's bed. "One who swipes stuff for kicks."

TwoBit gave Soda's shoulder a squeeze, still smiling, though his voice was sincere. "I'm so glad to see you awake and joking around, man. You got no idea. So, really, do you need anything?"

Soda shook his head, leaning back against his pillow. "Nah. I'm okay, man. Probably going to sleep some more in a bit."

TwoBit nodded, before turning to go. "I'll be around tomorrow, all right? See you then. You too, Steve."

Soda picked up the oxygen mask, touching the clear plastic and the tubing that connected it to the supply tank. "Sure. See you, TwoBit."

Steve saw the way Soda's eyes stared at the oxygen mask, noticing how distracted he seemed. "You really doing okay now, buddy? I got real worried just hearing about how you were earlier."

Soda's gaze moved from the oxygen mask to his injured arm, before he closed his eyes tightly.

"Are you hurting? Do I need to get a nurse?"

"No. It's not that." Soda's eyes opened back up, as he tried to focus his attention on Steve. "I think I just need to sleep. I mean, it hasn't even been a whole day yet since..."

"Yeah. That's true. You can rest, buddy. I'll still sit here with you, even if you just sleep."

"Yeah. I know you will." Soda looked toward the window on the other side of the room, seeing there was no longer a steady stream of daylight coming through the blinds. "It's starting to get dark."

Steve's eyes moved between the window and his best friend, curious about the random observation. "Yeah?"

Soda found himself breathing in deeply, putting the reminders behind the closed doors of his mind. "I'm just talking, Stevie. It's nothing."

Steve, finding it had become a habit with Soda still in the hospital, reached to hold his best friend's hand. He couldn't help but notice when Soda's return grip became tighter than he'd anticipated. "All right, buddy. You can get some sleep. And if I'm not here when you wake up again, I'll see you tomorrow."


	3. Chapter 3

Fear crawled into Soda's heart, seeking a place in which to hide itself. Finding a crevice, it slithered inside, choosing to remain tucked deep in a corner, until it heard the approaching footsteps of remembrance.

* * *

Memories lay along the ridges of Steve's mind, the present state of his spirit making him vulnerable to the past. He relaxed against the back of the porch swing, his feet making it sway in a soothing repetitive motion.

Nicholas, the scent of shaving cream still on his skin, joined Steve on the porch. "You going to church with me in the morning, Son?"

Steve paused, keeping his feet still for a moment, the swing moving back and forth of its own accord. "I don't think so. I know I probably should."

"But you'd rather go be at the hospital."

"Yeah."

Nicholas smiled, as he thought of Audrey, knowing he'd see her the next day.

Steve laughed,his feet resuming their movement. "Dad, you have the dopiest look on your face."

"Dopey? I do not!"

"But you do! I know who you're thinking about."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm glad I can amuse you, Son."

"Tell her I said hi tomorrow. And make sure you tell Samuel about Sodapop."

Nicholas moved to sit beside Steve on the swing. "Of course I will. I was already going to call him and get him to meet me before church even starts."

"Pray for him too, Dad. I mean, I know he's okay, but I just have a feeling he still needs it."

"I already have been, Son. He definitely has a lot of recovering to do."

"I still didn't want to leave tonight."

"I know. I understand too." The desire to help Steve cope urging him on, Nicholas delved further into the empathy he could feel. "Let me ask you something though. When you looked at Soda today, what did you see?"

"I saw Soda. What are you talking about?"

"He was awake. He was talking to you."

"Yeah?"

Nicholas, seeing the confused expression on Steve's face, kept his voice soft, as he continued his tactic. "He was breathing."

Steve shuddered inside, imagining Soda not breathing. "Yeah. Of course he was. Why are you saying that?"

"That's what you saw today, Son." Nicholas touched Steve's shoulder, hesitant to explain, as he knew time would never erase the emotions for either of them. "It's what I had to remind myself I could see when you were in the hospital. I had to tell myself you were alive. I saw your eyes looking back at me. I listened to you talk."

Steve could see a sheen of tears in Nicholas' eyes, knowing the pain of talking about this, as he understood where his dad was leading him, the connection he'd made. "And you watched me breathe."

* * *

"The cops want to talk to me too, don't they?"

Mr. Coleman sighed, as he heard the apprehension in Soda's words. "You were there, so I'm sure they will. I'm sorry, Sodapop. I'm sorry it happened."

Soda pushed away the rolling tray that held his half-eaten breakfast plate. "It's not your fault."

Mr. Coleman put his hand on Soda's shoulder. "But I feel bad. I can't help it. You were on the clock."

Soda smiled at his boss, seeing an opportunity. "Man, I ought to be getting a lot of overtime then. I never got to clock out that night."

* * *

Samuel, clad in the navy pants and gray button-up shirt he planned to wear to church that morning, handed Nicholas a cup of coffee, as he joined him on the front porch. "So what's going on? Did something happen?"

Nicholas took the mug, sitting down beside Samuel in one of the rocking chairs. "Yes. It did." He paused, noticing his friend's eyes were searching his for answers. "I look like it too, don't I?"

"You do. Is something wrong with Steve?"

"No. Well, not directly anyway." Nicholas took a sip of coffee, the slightly sweet taste keeping him grounded, as he found the words were difficult to speak. "Sodapop got shot Friday night."

Samuel set his own mug of coffee down on the glass table between them, as he comprehended what Nicholas had just told him. "What? What happened? Is he okay?"

"He was at the DX when it got robbed. He's still in the hospital. The bullet hit his arm, and he had to have surgery, but he should be all right."

Samuel covered his face with one hand, as he sat back in the rocking chair. "Thank God he's okay. That poor kid. How are his brothers doing with this?"

"Darry's the one who found him after the shooting and called for help. He and Ponyboy are handling it all okay, I think. Since they know Soda's still here with them. You can imagine that makes all the difference."

"How about Steve?"

"You know how he and Sodapop are. All of us stayed at the hospital that whole first night. Even after Soda was stable and out of surgery. But I think Steve would still move into his room right now, if they'd let him."

"I can believe that. Steve's a good friend."

"Yeah. Those two boys don't even need blood. They're brothers without it."

* * *

"I never thought it'd be so nice to be able to get out of bed and go take a piss by myself."

Steve laughed at Soda's remark from his place on the other side of the bathroom door. "The things we take for granted, huh?"

The toilet flushed, before Soda made his way out of the bathroom, pulling his IV pole alongside him. He looked down at the hospital gown, the only clothing beneath it a pair of boxer shorts. "I took pants for granted too, man."

"Don't worry. I think you'll go home soon, buddy."

Soda sat down on the edge of the bed, his eyes on the bags of IV fluids and medicines that were still flowing into his veins. "I sure hope so. I think I'm already starting to go a little crazy."

Steve thought of his own days in the hospital, empathizing even under the different circumstances. "Yeah. It'll make you feel like that."

"I don't feel so great, honestly, but it's better to be able to get up and walk around now." Soda turned to rest his bandaged arm on the pillow, the dark blue of the splint against the white material, as he kept himself upright. He felt the arm ache, a tingle moving through it. "I wonder when I can take this thing off. It gets uncomfortable."

"You mean the splint?"

"Yeah. I know the bandage is going to be a while." Soda touched the velcro that held the splint in place, eyeing the beige bandage that covered his wound, medical tape sealing it. "I wonder what it looks like now."

"Probably still pretty rough, buddy."

"I don't want to talk to the cops, Stevie."

Steve couldn't help but think of the presumptuous question Officer Green had asked Darry and his own explosive anger, even while he reassured his friend. "They know you didn't do anything wrong, man. Besides, Darry won't let them til you're up to it."

"But I don't mean I think they'll believe I did something wrong or anything. It's not that. I just don't want to talk about what happened. I don't even think I can."

* * *

The sanctuary held the sound of mingling, the people within conversing with one another after a typical Sunday morning service.

Nicholas made his way over to Audrey, his Bible tucked under one arm. "Hi."

Audrey smiled, giving Nicholas a peck on the cheek. "It's so good to see you!"

Nicholas felt himself blush, the affection unexpected. "It's good to see you too."

"So how's the rest of your weekend been?"

"Hectic, honestly. But I'm grateful for it. Hectic is better than tragic."

"Tragic? Why would it have been tragic?"

Nicholas took a seat on the pew closest to the altar, motioning for Audrey to join him. "You've met Sodapop."

"Yes. He comes with you and Steve a lot. Goodness, I won't ever forget meeting him. Where is Steve today anyway? I thought for sure he'd be here to tease you about us, now that we've actually gone on a date."

"Oh. Don't worry. He teased me plenty right after I got home But he's at the hospital with Sodapop right now."

"Hospital? Why?"

"Sodapop got shot the same night we went out. Probably around the time we were out. It happened at the DX he and Steve both work at."

"You said it wasn't tragic, so I take it he's going to be okay?"

"Yeah. Looks like it. Thank God."

"I like Sodapop. He's a sweet kid. Please tell him I'm praying for him."

* * *

"Damn it. I can't even shuffle right now."

Steve reached for the deck of cards, taking it from Soda's hands. "Here. Let me do it. You have the IV, and you need to rest that arm anyway, man."

Soda picked up the styrofoam cup that was on the tray between them, taking a long swallow of iced water. "Yeah. You're probably right."

Soda watched Steve split the deck in half, starting the shuffle. "Hey, Stevie, would you call Penny for me later?"

The cards created a bridge underneath Steve's thumbs, as he answered. "Of course I will. What do you want me to tell her?"

"Just that I'm sorry I didn't get to call her yesterday, like I was supposed to. And, obviously, you can tell her what happened.

Steve finished the shuffle, the deck landing in a neat stack, before he started to deal.

Soda watched cards slide toward him, though he didn't move to pick them up. "But tell her I'm okay, even though I-"

Steve waited for Soda to finish, as he dealt the last few cards, giving each of them a hand of seven.

"And that I had to have surgery because I got-"

Steve picked up his hand, though he was watching his best friend.

Soda reached for the cards, his expression growing more stricken, as the words wouldn't form. "I mean, I know I got-"

Steve's mind filled in the blank, understanding what Soda couldn't say. "I get it, buddy. I'll call her for you, okay? And I'll tell her why you're here."

* * *

Feet moved along the pavement of the church parking lot, as the members of the congregation made their way to their cars.

Nicholas opened his driver's side door, setting his Bible inside the car, as he stared at Audrey. She was across the lot, engaged in a conversation with Vivian, long auburn hair moving in the breeze. He found himself smiling, as her eyes made contact with his.

"You and my sister really do like each other, don't you?"

Nicholas turned to see Samuel standing beside him, a smile playing on the preacher's lips. "You sound just like Steve."

"That must mean he's good with it then."

"He is. He kept telling me it'd be fine for me and Audrey to go out. But I still asked him one more time before our date on Friday."

"From what I've heard about it, you two have talked over everything you should. That's all Steve needs."

"Sometimes, I think I needed it even than he did. He's been reassuring me the most."

Samuel stared at Vivian, as he spoke the news he'd so far kept between himself and his wife. "Vivian's pregnant."

Nicholas' gaze moved from Audrey to Samuel. "That's good news, right?"

"Very good news. She wants a baby. We both want a baby. But I've been needing reassurance myself."

"I can understand why you would. I know it's not easy to think about. I didn't know you before Matthew died, but for what it's worth, I can see you being a great dad."

"Given everything you know, that's worth a lot to me." Samuel put a hand on Nicholas' shoulder. "I need to go, but tell Steve I'll see him soon. Sodapop too. Make sure he knows we all love him."

* * *

Darry watched Diane, who was Soda's nurse for the day, wrap the blood pressure cuff around his brother's left arm. "Do you know anything about when he might be able to go home?"

Diane secured the velcro on the cuff, then reached for her stethoscope. "I don't. But Dr. Simons will be here early tomorrow morning."

Soda watched the numbered meter, as he felt the cuff squeeze his arm and the bell of the stethoscope press against his skin. "I know I'm ready to go home."

Diane let the cuff deflate, then listened to the sounds to indicate pressure, as she watched the meter. "You're doing well, and your wound seems to be healing just as it should. So, hopefully, we'll be able to release you very soon."

Soda heard the sound of velcro, as the blood pressure cuff was removed from his arm. He touched the bandage on his other arm, picturing what must be beneath it. "How do you know it's healing?"

Diane wrote down Soda's blood pressure, before putting her stethoscope and the cuff to the side. "You haven't had any fever. Your level of pain has improved." She nodded toward the bandage. "And see how clean the dressing still is? It's not bleeding excessively."

Darry looked at the bandage that had been there since Soda's surgery. "Are you going to change that out soon, or does it stay?"

Diane double-checked the date on Soda's chart, reminding herself of how long it had been since his admission. "The dressing will need to be changed later today. Since it's going on 48 hours."

Soda pictured the bandage being lifted off, then jerked his eyes away from the injury, his gaze landing on a magazine cover several feet away. "Um, Darry, can you hand me that magazine over there?"

Darry reached for the copy of _Car and Driver, _handing it to Soda, just as Diane made her way out of the room.

Soda flipped through the pages, even as his mind hardly registered the photographs staring back at him.

"Are you okay, little buddy?"

"I'm fine, Dar. I'm not so tired anymore. And you heard what she said. It's healing."

Darry grasped Soda's hand, seeing his brother look up at him. "I don't just mean physically."

Soda broke eye contact, looking back down at the magazine. "I'm fine, Darry. Really. I'm just ready to go home. That's all."

"Okay." Darry squeezed Soda's hand, leaning to meet his gaze. "But if you start having a hard time because of what happened to you, promise you'll tell me."

Soda blinked fast, stopping the tears that tried to rise in his eyes. "But I'm not. I'm not having a hard time about it."

"I'm just saying _if _you do."

Soda nodded, feeling Darry's hand squeeze his own once more. "Sure, Dar. I will. I'll tell you."

* * *

Steve heard Penny's voice come on the line, just as Nicholas appeared in the waiting area, still clad in what he'd worn to church. He met his dad's gaze, at the same time he spoke to Soda's sort-of girlfriend. "Hi, Penny. It's Steve. Soda wanted me to call you. He's, um, he's in the hospital."

Nicholas fixed his second cup of coffee for that day, before taking a seat, listening to Steve's end of the conversation.

"Yeah. I know. He's okay though. He's not sick, but he got shot at the DX a couple of nights ago."

Nicholas added cream and sugar to the coffee, the dark brown liquid becoming lighter.

"His right arm. And I don't know yet. He had surgery that night, and he's mostly done all right since though, so I kind of don't think he'll have to stay here much longer."

Nicholas sipped the coffee, imagining Penny's questions on the other end of the line.

"Yeah. He was on oxygen for a little bit cause the pain medicine he was on made him not able to breathe so great, and it made his heart rate go up too. But he's good now."

Nicholas listened to Steve's words, studying his son's expression, as he delivered each piece of news, remembering how hard it had been for him to hear.

"Sure, Penny. I think he'd like that. I'll see you later."

Nicholas saw Steve hang up the phone, then sit down in the chair beside him. "How's Penny with all that?"

"All right, I guess. It probably shocked her. I had to make sure I told her Soda's okay first, you know?"

"Because there's nothing like not knowing that, is there?"

"No. There's really not. How was church? Did you talk to Samuel?"

"Yeah. After I told him about Soda, he asked how you're doing too. He said to tell you he'll see you soon. I also talked to Audrey."

Steve smiled, giving his dad's shoulder a light shove. "And how was that?"

Nicholas felt a blush creep up his face, remembering how Audrey had kissed him on the cheek in the sanctuary. "It was good, I guess. She was expecting you to be there at church to tease the two of us."

"Oh. I'll get back to that soon, Dad. So you told her about Soda too?"

"Yeah. She said he's a sweet kid, and she'll be praying for him."

"So when are you two going out again?"

"We didn't talk about it yet, Son. Why? You got something in mind for us?"

Steve rubbed his chin in thought, attempting to be serious, even though he couldn't stop smiling. "You like to cook so much, so you should make her a nice dinner. You know, light candles and all that too. And play some music."

Nicholas nodded along, before adding his own idea. "And make sure you're out of the house, so I know you're not watching."

Steve laughed. "Sure! I'll leave you two alone. So long as you fix me a plate of food too."

"Consider it done." Nicholas still smiled, even as he shifted the focus. "I'm really glad you're okay with this, Son. It makes it better for me. But if anything starts to bother you-"

Steve shook his head, as he held onto Nicholas' shoulder. "There's nothing _to_ bother me, Dad. I swear, if I have to, I'll tell you it's okay everyday. I want you to be happy."

"I am happy, Son. And I hear you. I just want you to know you can come to me. Always. Even if things get serious between me and Audrey, especially if they do. That'll still be true."

* * *

"Aw, I know they love me. Everyone loves me."

"It's nice to see your self-confidence is still intact, Sodapop."

Nicholas chuckled at the banter between Soda and Pony. "Well, I'll tell Samuel there was never a doubt then."

Soda smiled, even as he felt a tingle in his fingers that extended up to his elbow. "Nope. Not even a little bit."

Pony reached for the tin box of dominoes, spreading them out on the wheeled tray that was between himself and Soda. "You said Dr. Simons will be by tomorrow, right?"

Soda picked up a domino, setting it up straight, as his eyes automatically counted the eight black dots. "Yeah. Diane said early."

Pony picked up another domino, setting it behind Soda's. "I know Darry's going to make me go to school, ain't he?"

Soda added a third domino to the forming line, ignoring the pain that moved through his right arm. "I'm sure he will. Don't argue with him about it, Pone. Just go. It ain't a big deal. If I go home tomorrow, you'll see me right after."

Pony reached for a fourth and fifth domino, putting them directly behind the first three. "And if you don't, you'll be sitting here bored out of your mind."

Soda looked from the dominoes to Nicholas. "Speaking of sitting here, I'm real glad you made Steve go home with you yesterday. I know he didn't want to. I was sleeping, but I heard you guys talking to each other and to me too."

Nicholas patted Soda's shoulder. "He never would've left if I didn't come in here and get him."

Soda slid one of the dominoes along the surface of the tray, the set of six black dots moving under his gaze. "Nah. He sure wouldn't have. I just-" His eyes moved back up to Nicholas. "I wouldn't want him to get where he isn't taking care of himself and anything happen, you know?"

Nicholas nodded, following Soda's thoughts exactly, as he squeezed his shoulder. "Yeah. I know just what you mean, Sodapop. But don't worry. I'll make sure he does."

* * *

Steve found himself sitting in the corner of the hospital chapel, his blue jeans against the wine color of the carpet. "I don't understand what's wrong with me, God. I don't want to be angry like I have been. But it's okay if I am, right?"

Steve folded his hands, bowing his head to rest against them. "I feel a lot of things I don't think I should, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with them. But they hurt like hell, God. I'm just being honest with you."

Steve's hands gripped one another, the hold becoming tighter, as he squeezed his eyes closed. "I keep telling myself Soda's okay. That is what matters the most. But help me with all of this too, please. Help me know what to do with it, God, so it'll go away. I don't want to feel like this inside. What happened ain't even about me, and I need to be there for Soda this time."

Steve allowed his eyes to open, his hands unfolding and dropping to the carpet, fibers rough against his skin. "I hope he recovers okay. He prayed for me a lot too, so let my prayers help him through this. No matter what else happens, God, please let them be enough."

* * *

"It's okay, sweetie. It doesn't look bad. But you don't have to look if you don't want to."

Soda heard Diane's soft voice from his right side, but kept his eyes fixed in the other direction. "I don't. I can't."

Darry, in the chair on Soda's left side, kept a hand on his brother's back. "It's fine, little buddy. She's right. You don't have to. Just look at me."

Soda felt warm water run over his right arm, as Diane rinsed the injured area that had been stitched. He looked at his big brother, their eyes locking. "I just don't want to see it, Dar."

Darry watched Diane, gloved hands careful, as she examined the closed bullet wound. He saw traces of blood on the gauze she'd just removed, his eyes then drawn to the stitches in Soda's arm. "That's okay. But it really doesn't look that bad."

Soda nodded, but still refused to turn his head. Anxiety he didn't fully understand gaining a hold, he reached for the front of Darry's shirt, pulling him closer.

Darry's hand went to the back of Soda's head, as his little brother hid his face in his shoulder. "You're good, little buddy. I'm right here."

Soda felt new gauze touch his arm and the stretching material of a new bandage wrap around it. "Sorry. I don't mean to be a baby about it. It's not cause it hurts real bad or anything. I just can't."

Darry saw Diane's eyes meet his, her expression coated in sympathy, as she taped the wound dressing in place. "You're not being a baby, Sodapop. That's not what this is. So don't even apologize."

Soda heard the sound of running water, before he felt the splint go back around his arm. "Are you finished? Is it covered up now?"

Diane put the velcro straps in place, securing the splint, before she moved to the other side of the bed. Laying a gentle hand on Soda's shoulder, she spoke to him, her voice laced with compassion. "Listen to me, sweetie. You went through something very traumatic. Your injury is a reminder of it. Whatever you're feeling right now is because of that, and I want you to know it's normal if you have a hard time."

Soda loosened his grip on Darry, lifting his head up. "Okay." He drew his injured arm onto his lap, looking at the new bandage. "Thanks for saying that."

As the nurse left the room, Darry put his own hand over Soda's. "She said it because it's true. I hope you know that."

Soda's expression became one of thought, eyebrows furrowing, as he looked down at his right hand and felt a sharp pain in one finger. "Yeah. I guess I know. Um, Dar, I know you're not expecting this, but could you go for a little bit? I think I need to be alone."

* * *

Water flowed from the top tier of the fountain, cascading down into the waiting reservoir.

Pony's pencil went still, pausing on the blue line of a sheet of notebook paper, when Steve settled on the stone bench across from him. "Hey."

Steve saw Pony continue writing, understanding the act of putting words to paper in a way he hadn't up until several months ago. "I hope that helps, Kid."

Pony looked up at him. "Huh?"

Steve nodded toward the notebook. "Whatever you're writing, I hope it helps."

"Oh." Pony glanced at the fountain, the sound of flowing water in his ears, before he looked at the garden that was just a couple of feet away. He kept his gaze on the colors of the blooming flowers, as he spoke. "No offense, but I didn't expect you to be out here."

Steve shrugged, lifting his feet up onto the bench, as his eyes swept around their surroundings. "None taken, Kid. But what can I say? I needed some air, and I guess sometimes, people change."

* * *

The IV tubing, fluids and medicines moving within it to nourish and heal Soda's body, connected to the needle taped to his hand. He stared at it, imagining yanking it out and walking away, pretending the shooting never even happened. But I can't, he thought, his eyes moving to his bandaged arm that was marked with the physical trauma of a bullet wound, present to tell the story for him.

Soda reached for the velcro on the splint, undoing it, as he felt a numbing sensation move along his fingers and hand. My body won't let me forget, he thought. Even if my mind stops flashing. Even if the images go away.

Soda slid the splint off, finding that moving the arm around didn't hurt as much as he'd suspected it would, though it remained sore. He rotated the limb and extended it, the new bandage staying in place. He felt a pain shimmy through his fingers, as he flexed them, then made a fist. I don't want to remember, he thought, a feeling of weakness making him rest the arm at his side, as his gaze moved over the bandage once more. He imagined pulling it off, stripping away the medical tape to see the visible manifestation of the memories he held within, of the voice that echoed, and the hidden face that needed no identity to haunt his very being.

Soda felt the fear that had been resting in his heart taking aim and ready to strike. It crouched behind walls, but remained poised to make its dreaded presence known. He blinked his eyes, taking in a breath to shove the fear down, images and sounds that desired to disrupt and control his memories pushed along with it. He let the breath out, the weight on his chest easing, as he exhaled, picturing the internal trauma floating away into the air.

Tears pricked at Soda's eyes, and he found that the drops that would express emotions and bring visibility to the truth inside were something he didn't want right now. He pressed the heels of his hands against both eyes, not letting the tears escape. I don't want to cry, he told himself. If I do, it'll be real, and it will all come out of me.

Soda took in another breath, inhaling, as he felt the threatening tears recede. He exhaled, putting a smile on his face. I'm not going to feel this, he decided. I'm not going to cry.


	4. Chapter 4

The square-shaped white tile, straight lines neatly crossing one another, created the path for feet that needed a respite from reality. They provided options, doors to open, directions in which to walk, and other places to be outside those four walls. Feet moved through the hospital's hallways, stringing along with them an IV pole and the hope of symbolic escape.

* * *

Knuckles tapped against Soda's door, before a head poked in, Steve's eyes recognizing his friend's absence from the room. "Hey, Soda, you in the bathroom or something?"

Hearing no reply, Steve knocked on the bathroom door and waited a second, before opening it. Seeing Soda also wasn't in there, he sighed, Darry's recent words in his mind. "No wonder he said he wanted to be alone."

* * *

Feet stepped onto a carpeted floor, as Soda wheeled the IV pole along with him. He looked out the large window in the front of the area he'd wandered into, able to see a view of this section of Tulsa. Cars moved along the street that led to the hospital, driving into and out of the parking lot. Farther away, Soda could see houses that made up the nearby neighborhoods, his eyes wandering in the direction of his own home. His gaze then shifted in the opposite direction, his mind picturing the DX he knew was only a few minutes from here.

Shaking off the thought of the station, Soda stepped closer to the window, looking down to see the more immediate vicinity. Through the glass, he saw a trail made up of small rocks that led to a fountain and a garden, each surrounded by grass, the area one that seemed removed from the hospital, a separate place of peace that couldn't coexist with the illness and injury associated with the facility.

Soda imagined being outside, stepping out among the sights and sounds of nature, walking down the street, the city moving around him. He pictured going back to typical daily life, grateful to still be here, all too aware of how death had been possible. He attempted to shake this thought off, realizing where it was leading. He stared out the window, seeing the life in the view, but also the risky possibilities and the lingering shades of the unknown.

* * *

"He's allowed to leave the room, right? He's probably just walking around."

"I know. I just don't like that he didn't tell anybody, and I think what happened is really starting to hit him."

Nicholas looked between Steve and Darry, before adding his own comment. "He probably needed to move around more. He's been here long enough to be feeling restless."

Pony echoed Nicholas' thought. "Yeah. This is Sodapop we're talking about. He hates being forced to sit still for too long."

* * *

The wheels on the IV pole rolled at Soda's side, as he stepped off the elevator. He followed the signs that would lead him back to his room, though he was in no hurry.

As he approached the corner whose path would take him to where he was supposed to be, Soda turned around to look at the elevator. The doors had closed, but he still imagined stepping back on it. But where can I even go? he wondered. He looked down at the IV tubing, just as he had earlier, feeling an urge to pull the needle out, though a glance at his bandaged arm again reminded him it was simply a representation of the truth.

Soda continued his walk away from the elevator and was passing one of the waiting areas when four pairs of eyes landed on him. "Hi. I just went for a walk."

Steve spoke up first. "We were wondering about you. Are you okay, man?"

Darry didn't wait for Soda to reply, before he was on his feet, standing toe to toe with his brother. "Sodapop, you're still a patient in this hospital. You can't just go wandering around and not even tell anybody what you're doing."

Soda fidgeted under Darry's gaze, before finding the voice he needed. "It's not like I could get in any trouble, Dar. I was just walking. I didn't escape or anything."

Steve went to Soda's side, attempting to break the tension. "Yeah, Superman, he's right here, not tossing out a rope to climb down from the nearest window."

Darry told himself to relax, the urge to snap out a reply seeming illogical when Soda did indeed stand right here in front of him.

Soda almost pointed out that he couldn't climb out a window anyway, given his current physical condition, but knowing that wasn't Steve's point, he dismissed the thought. "I'm fine, Darry. Maybe I should've told somebody, but I just needed to get out of that room and out of my head."

Darry considered giving further voice to his worry, but thought better of it. Instead, he secured an arm around Soda and started guiding him in the direction of his vacated hospital room. "All right. I got it. You're off the hook, little buddy."

* * *

"I didn't think it was _that_ funny."

Soda laughed harder, reveling in the feeling, humor trying to extinguish any possibility of tears. "But it is, Stevie! You and your dad crack me up. It's tuff he's dating Audrey, and I know you. You wouldn't tease him so much if you weren't good with it."

Steve smiled at Soda's remarks, also truly glad to hear the laughter. He remembered his conversation with Penny, deciding to mention it to his friend. "Hey, man, I did call Penny, like you asked me to. She said she'd been worried since you hadn't called yet this weekend cause that's not like you."

"Yeah. I always give her a call sometime on Friday or Saturday. Especially if we don't talk during the week. She say anything else?"

"Well, she wants to see you, of course. To see for herself that you're okay. But I did tell her you are. I made sure to say that much before I even told her what happened."

"Yeah, hopefully, I can go home tomorrow, and I'll call her then."

"So I've been wondering. What's the deal with you two anyway?"

"What do you mean? She's my girl. You know that."

"Yeah. I do know that, but you've been doing the same thing for a few months now."

"I don't know. I guess I like it this way. We both do. We talk, and we spend time together when we want to, but it's like there's no pressure or anything."

"No pressure, huh? I think I can dig that."

Soda reached for the blanket at the foot of his bed, draping it over his lap, as his voice grew quiet. "Stevie?"

Seeing the change in his friend, Steve scooted to the edge of his chair. "Yeah, Soda?"

"What I said to you before, I really can't talk about it. I can't talk about what happened, and I kind of think Darry wants me to."

"Why do you say that?"

"He was asking me if I'm okay and said he didn't just mean physically. Then, he wanted me to promise I'd tell him if I start having a hard time about what happened."

"Buddy, it sounds like he just wants to make sure you know he's there for you if, and when, you do need to talk."

"I know. That too. But I still think he wants me to talk, and I can't."

"You don't have to, man. And it's only been a couple of days, so that's okay."

"I don't think I'll ever be able to. I'm telling you this cause I thought you'd understand. You know? With not being able to talk about something?"

"Sure. I do understand." Steve got up from his chair and sat on the edge of Soda's bed. He took his hand, squeezing it gently. "I won't make you talk about anything, Sodapop. But are you having a hard time with what happened? I'm asking because, if you feel the way you do about what Darry said and about talking, it makes me think you might be."

Soda took a long breath, keeping his eyes dry. "I guess maybe I am. But, like you said, it's only been a couple of days, and my nurse told me it's normal if it's hard. I mean, I couldn't even look when she took the old bandage off."

"That makes sense, man. I can see why you wouldn't want to look."

"The nurse said it's a reminder of-" Soda swallowed, before finding he needed to take in another breath to ease the building tension.

"You don't have to explain. Believe me, buddy. I get it."

"I think I'll be better once I go home. It'll get easier, and I'll be fine with it all then."

Steve released Soda's hand and put his arms around him, as his own words belied his internal doubt. "Yeah, buddy. Maybe you just need some time."

* * *

"You did say your fingers felt tingly sometimes, Sodapop."

Soda recalled those words he'd said to Darry, now regretting them. "But that doesn't mean anything, does it? You guys said it's healing."

Dr. Simons measured his words, wanting to be truthful, but also careful, aware of the trauma his patient had gone through so recently. "Your wound is healing, Sodapop. However, the sort of symptom your brother just mentioned could be an indication of nerve damage. Have you had any pain in your fingers, your hand, or your arm?"

Soda nodded, the word _damage_ echoing in his mind. "Um, all of those, actually. But mostly my fingers."

Darry closed his eyes for a few seconds, before speaking to the doctor. "So what do you do now?"

Dr. Simons picked up the folder he'd brought into the room, sifting through it, as he answered Darry's question. "I have a few more questions, but I'll set up an appointment for Sodapop to have some tests to see exactly what's going on, and we'll go from there."

* * *

Steve's locker door slammed shut, before he pounded his fist against it. "Damn it. This is driving me crazy."

"You don't want to be here anymore than I do, do you?"

Steve turned, coming face to face with Pony. "Hey, Kid. No, I sure don't."

Pony leaned against the lockers, holding his science book and notebook underneath one arm. "I hope Soda's going home. I just don't like not knowing if there's anything going on with him right now."

"Look, Kid, I know I'm going to sound like a hypocrite here, after what you just saw. But I'm sure there's not. He's been doing well enough. More than likely, me and you both are stressing and he'll be home chillin' on the couch, before school even lets out."

* * *

"I wasn't trying to hide it, Darry. Stop making a big deal."

Darry fought the urge to snap, realizing Soda didn't need that right now, but he lost the battle. "But it _is_ a big deal, Sodapop! You didn't tell me anything was hurting. And if Dr. Simons hadn't started asking you questions, you weren't going to tell him about any of it."

Soda, his left hand now free of the IV, pulled a set of clothes from the bag Darry had brought him. "It's not like I knew what it meant, okay? Damn, of course, after something like that, my arm and everything wouldn't feel right. Besides, he's a doctor, and he knows what to ask me. I didn't have to figure it out."

"This is serious, little buddy. I just want to make sure you understand that. If something is going on, you can't ignore it and pretend-"

"You don't think I know that, Darry? I know it's serious, and I'm not pretending, so don't even say that to me!"

Realizing how loud they were both getting, while still within the walls of Soda's hospital room, Darry sat down in one of the chairs, facing away from his brother, as he counted backward from ten.

Soda sat at the foot of his bed, the jeans and t-shirt he was going to change into on his lap, his eyes on the tile floor. "Darry, I'm sorry, okay? I really wasn't trying to keep anything from you or the doctor, and I don't want to fight with you right now."

Darry let out the breath he'd been holding, calmer than he'd been when he last spoke. He turned to face Soda. "I don't want to fight with you either. I'm sorry. You know how I can get when I'm worried."

"Yeah. I know. But if not for you, I wouldn't even still be here. So stop worrying."

"That's easier said than done." Darry nodded toward the clothes in Soda's lap. "Are you going to need help with getting dressed?"

Soda looked down at his right arm, still bandaged, but now free of the splint. "I think I can manage. I've been able to move it okay."

"Just be careful."

Soda got to his feet, heading toward the bathroom. "I will, Dar. I'll tell you if I need help."

Darry watched Soda step into the bathroom, the door closing behind him. "Please make sure you do, little buddy. Please make sure you do."

* * *

"So is it true, Steve? Did Sodapop really get shot?"

Steve looked up from the class notes he'd simply been staring at to see Evie sit down beside him on the bench in the courtyard. "Yeah. It's true."

Evie touched Steve's shoulder. "So how is he?"

"He's doing okay. It could've been a hell of a lot worse. He should go home soon. Maybe today."

"Please tell him I said hi. I was so worried when I heard, but when I saw you were here today, I thought that must mean he wasn't...Well, that he would be okay."

"Darry saved his life. If he hadn't been there, Soda probably would've bled to death right there at the DX."

"I'm so glad he's going to be all right. But I still can't even imagine."

"I had just left, Evie. I had just gone home right before it happened."

"That's a good thing, or both of you might've been hurt."

"Yeah. Sure. It's a real good thing."

* * *

"It looks like you're all set to go home, Sodapop. Do you have any questions?"

Soda looked at the instructions Dr. Simons had given him for how to care for his wound, while it healed. "Um, when do you think I'll be able to go back to work?"

Darry shook his head, as he picked up the prescriptions and put them in the bag of medical supplies. "Soda, I don't think-"

Soda didn't let Darry finish. "No, Darry. I know we need the money, and I can't just sit at home."

Dr. Simons answered Soda's question. "That's not something I can say for certain yet. I'll see you back next week to remove the stitches, so not before then. Given the nature of your job, you may not be able to go back to full duty right away either. Also, I want to make sure you know that if there is nerve damage, those symptoms could affect your ability to perform certain tasks."

Soda thought of his job, of working on cars, imagining something that came naturally to him becoming a challenge. "Um, I guess I should've known that, but I'll talk to Mr. Coleman. I think he'd help me out if there's, you know, stuff I can't do."

Darry added his thoughts on the matter. "I'm sure he will, little buddy. We'll figure everything out. You'll go back when you're ready. I want you to heal as much as you can first."

* * *

"I almost rescheduled, but then, I kind of figured I should come."

Laura nodded, before letting Steve known he could continue. "Okay. Why would you reschedule?"

Steve thought back over the last few days, realizing it would be best if he told Laura all of what had occurred. "Um, Friday night, Soda and me, we were working late. I was going to stay longer, but he told me to go, that he would close up."

"Okay. Go on, Steve."

"So I left. I went home. I left Soda there at the DX."

Laura watched, as Steve stood up and walked toward the window, his feet moving back and forth on the floor in front of it. "All right. I'm listening."

"I know that. I just keep thinking I shouldn't feel like this. I left, and then, a while after that, Soda's brother, Darry, called me. He told me Soda got shot."

"Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that."

"I shouldn't have left him. I should've stayed."

"You didn't know that was going to happen. You couldn't have."

Steve's voice started to shake, tears blurring his vision. "But I wasn't there for him. I was at home, just goofing off and hanging out with my dad, and Soda-" He broke off, cries not allowing him to finish.

Laura saw Steve press himself against the wall, sliding down to the floor, as he sobbed. She couldn't deny the tears in her own eyes, as she crossed the room and crouched down beside her client. "Steve, I want you to know I'm hearing you, okay? So, when you can, tell me this. After Darry called, what did you do next?"

Steve kept his head against the wall, tears pouring from his eyes. "I told my dad. We went to the hospital. I saw Soda after he got out of surgery."

"And what did you do when you saw him?"

"I sat there with him and held onto him. He told me it hurt, and he was scared when it happened."

"So you were with him at the hospital when he needed you. That means you were there for him."

"But I left! I was at home, like it was any other night, while he was bleeding from being shot!"

"That didn't happen because you left. You went home because, as far as you knew, it was a normal night."

Steve felt more tears coming, as he brought his knees to his chest and laid his head down. "Soda's always there for me, but I left, and he almost died."

* * *

"I'll be back soon, little buddy. I'm just going to fill these prescriptions."

Soda, who was resting on the couch, took a bite of the chocolate cake in front of him, his eyes on the TV screen. "Sure, Dar. Thanks for doing that."

Darry tucked the prescriptions in his wallet, then started to leave. He'd only taken one step forward, before he stopped and looked back at Soda.

Soda spoke with his mouth full of cake. "What, Darry? Lose your keys or something?"

"No. Nothing like that."

Soda shrugged, his gaze returning to the TV.

Darry's eyes still lingered on Soda, as he picked up his keys. Shoving them in his pocket, he went to his brother's side and pulled him into a hug. "I'm so glad you're home, Pepsi Cola. I'll see you when I get back."

* * *

"I don't even want to talk anymore. I don't have to, do I?"

Laura shook her head in reply to Steve's words. "No. You don't. We can end early, if you need to."

Steve, now back in his usual chair, pressed the tissue Laura had given him to his face, willing the tears not to start again. "Okay. I just want to go find out if Soda's home."

"That's fine, Steve. And it may be just what you need right now. But please remember you can call, if you need me."

* * *

"I'm okay, Pone. Really. I don't need anything. Darry just went to get my medicine."

Pony eyed Soda, not hiding his doubt. "Okay. If you say so. So these tests you have to have, when will they do it?"

Soda looked at his right hand, able to feel the tingle in his fingers. "I don't know yet. Dr. Simons will set it up for me. It's some sort of scan thing, I guess."

"So if you do have nerve damage, what happens then?"

"I'm not sure. I think it depends how bad it is."

"Does Dr. Simons think it's bad?"

"He didn't really say, but it's not as bad as it could be. I know that because he was asking a bunch of questions about symptoms I don't have. I can move okay, and it's not like I can't feel my arm or hand. It doesn't always hurt either."

"Hey, Sodapop, did they spring you?"

Soda was quick to reply to Steve's voice, a smile on his face. "Yes, they did, Steve!"

Pony grinned, heading toward the back door. "I'm going to have a smoke, then do my homework. Call me if you need anything, Sodapop."

Soda nodded at Pony, as the door closed behind him. He turned to see Steve, as he stepped into the living room. "You look like hell, man."

Steve dropped down beside Soda, aware his face still carried the evidence of his meltdown in Laura's office. "Yeah. I know."

"Why?"

"I was just, um, talking about some stuff with Laura."

"Were you crying cause of me?"

Steve nodded, though he didn't plan to explain beyond that. "I was. But I'm okay. Just needed to get it out. So how long you been home?"

"Not long. It took a little time with paperwork and stuff, and I kind of had to talk to Dr. Simons about something that's been going on. I really should've told him sooner, but I just didn't."

"What is it?"

"Promise you won't get on my back over not saying anything? Darry already did."

"I won't, Sodapop. What's going on?"

"Dr. Simons thinks I might have symptoms of nerve damage."

"He said he would keep an eye on you for that, just in case. But what's been happening?"

"My fingers hurt sometimes. First, they would feel kind of tingly. It was weird. I did mention that to Darry. But I didn't tell him anything hurt."

"Does it hurt anywhere else?"

"Yeah. My hand and my arm too, but I mean, not where the bandage is. That does hurt sometimes, but it's a different pain. Anyway, they don't always hurt, and sometimes, they feel sort of numb."

"What can they do about it?"

"Just some tests first, but I think that won't be until after I get the stitches out next week. I asked when I can go back to work, but Dr. Simons isn't sure yet."

"You don't need to go back too soon, buddy. You need to heal up a little more first."

"I know. And things are better than they used to be around here with money and all, but my check still helps."

"You know we got your back. So don't even worry about any of that. You focus on recovering, man. That's your job for right now."

* * *

Darry read the labels on the two prescription bottles, confirming one was an antibiotic and the other a medication for pain. He set them down on the counter, before taking out his wallet to count what remained of the cash he'd used to cover the expense at the pharmacy.

A moment later, when Darry sighed and closed his wallet, he looked up to see Steve holding some money out to him. "What's this for?"

Steve reached for Darry's hand and shoved the bills into it. "Take it. I know Soda can't go back to work yet."

"Steve, I can't-"

"Don't argue with me, Superman. I don't want my friend in there worrying about anything besides being okay, and I know you got extra bills with all this. More coming too. I'll help as much as I can."

Darry took the cash, before squeezing Steve's shoulder. "Thank you, Steve. You're right. I told Soda we'll figure it out, but we can sure use the help."

"I want to help you out, Darry. Soda's my brother too. You all are."

* * *

Penny's arms wrapped around Soda, before she pulled back and kissed his lips. "I was so worried, and I missed you, Sodapop."

Soda smiled, as he tucked Penny's blond hair behind her ear. "I missed you too. But I'm all right. It's rough, but at least, I got to come home."

Penny, her hand gentle, touched the bandage on Soda's arm. "It must've been terrible for you. It scared me just to hear about it when Steve called me. I can't even imagine."

"Trust me. You don't want to." Soda didn't look at the bandage, instead keeping his eyes on Penny. "But you want to be a nurse someday, so I'm sure you'll see plenty of stuff like this."

"Does it hurt?"

"Sometimes. It hurt the most when-" Soda shook his head, blinking away the images, as he reworded his thought. "Well, when it happened."

"But you're sure you're going to be all right?"

"Yeah. I'm sure." Soda reached for Penny's hand and held onto it. "I'm home now, so I'm going to be just fine."

* * *

Steve closed the Bible that was beside him, a gift from Nicholas that he remembered opening on Christmas morning. He traced his finger over the gold lettering on the cover that spelled out his name, also recalling how he himself had struggled with what to give his dad that most recent Christmas Day. Nothing had seemed like enough in light of all they'd been through just before that.

Steve, thinking of his session with Laura and the feelings that had poured out, covered his face with his hands. "God, I don't know if that even helped."

There was a knock on the door, followed by Nicholas' voice. "You okay, Son? How was Soda doing?"

Steve stayed silent, unsure of what would come out if he were to speak.

Nicholas crossed the room to sit beside Steve. "Hey, what's going on? I'd rather you yell at me than be quiet like this."

"But I don't feel like yelling anymore, Dad. It hurts."

"Was Soda doing all right when you saw him?"

"Yeah. He's home." Steve felt Nicholas' hand on his back, and instead of saying anything else, wrapped both arms around him.

Nicholas hugged Steve back, his son's tight hold scaring him, given the fears and struggles that had once accompanied it. "I'm here, Son. Talk to me."

Steve pressed his face into his dad's chest, hands gripping the back of his shirt. "I was talking to Laura today, and we ended early. Cause I was so overwhelmed. I cried almost the whole time."

"Okay. I can see how that would happen. It's been a hard few days."

"I didn't want to talk anymore, so she didn't make me."

"I wouldn't think she would."

"I'm feeling things that don't make sense again, Dad."

"What kind of things, Son? I've never thought anything you've told me didn't make sense."

"I'm scared, and I feel guilty. I was telling Laura about Friday night, and it all just came out."

Hearing Steve utter the word _guilty_, Nicholas gave him a squeeze, before pushing him back, hands on his shoulders. "Why would you feel guilty?"

Steve's gaze moved down to his lap, part of him regretting bringing this up, as he knew Nicholas wouldn't let him bury it. "Cause I left."

"Left? Left where?"

"The DX."

"Son, it's not your fault Soda got hurt."

"That's not what I mean. I mean he was alone. He could've been dying, and I wasn't there for him."

Nicholas met Steve's eyes, keeping his voice even, though his son's words had struck him. "But he didn't die, and you're here for him now. Darry got to him in time. Just like we already talked about, it was a normal night until he called. You had no idea what was happening, Son."

Steve broke the eye contact, knowing his dad spoke the truth, even as the words did nothing to quench the guilt. "I'm sorry, Dad. I'm trying. I know I shouldn't feel like this."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. You almost lost your best friend, and you're reacting to it. So I understand how you could feel bad."

"I keep telling myself Soda's okay, and it seems like that should be enough. But it's still just there, and I don't know how to make it better. I wasn't even going to say anything about it at all, but I guess I needed to."

"I'm sure you did, Son." Nicholas brought a hand up to stroke Steve's hair, bracing himself for the scenario he was about to put into words. "Let me ask you something."

"Okay."

"What if Soda had left instead of you? What if you" Nicholas sucked in a breath and grasped Steve's hand. "had been the one who got shot?"

"I don't understand what you're asking, Dad."

"What if you'd been the one who got shot, and Soda was feeling like you are now? Should he feel guilty for not being there with you?"

"No. Of course not. Cause he couldn't have known, and if he'd been there, he might have gotten hurt too."

"Exactly. I bet if you asked Soda, he'd tell you he's glad you weren't there."

* * *

"Thanks for helping me, Dar. I feel a lot cleaner."

Darry started to remove the plastic bag that had covered Soda's bandage, as he responded to the gratitude. "You smell better too."

Soda chuckled, his freshly washed hair still wet from his recent shower. "Hey, I didn't stink!"

Pony, a history textbook on his lap, joined the conversation. "You must've not been able to smell yourself."

Soda tossed the wet plastic bag in Pony's direction, frowning when it floated to the floor, before it could get to him. "Better watch it, little brother."

Pony kept his eyes on the history chapter he was reading, as he smiled. "Or what? You'll throw a plastic bag at me and miss?"

Darry smiled too, appreciative of the brotherly teasing within the walls of their home. He reached for the instructions that Dr. Simons had sent with them, reading the written details on how to change Soda's wound dressing, as well as signs to watch for that could indicate a problem.

Seeing what Darry was reading and recalling Dr. Simons verbal directions, Soda felt his heartbeat quicken. "He said everyday, right?"

Darry, thinking of Soda's reaction when Diane had changed out the bandage, touched his brother's shoulder. "You just need a distraction, little buddy. I promise it'll get easier."

* * *

Steve reached for his bottle of antidepressant medication, removing it from the cabinet, where it was now kept in the kitchen. Twisting the cap off, he saw there were only three pills left. "Hey, Dad, do you know where my new prescription is? This one's out of refills, and it's just about gone."

Nicholas sifted through some papers and envelopes that were on the counter, finding the blue slip with Dr. Reynolds writing scribbled on it. "I found it, Son."

Steve nodded, as he swallowed one of the pills, then took a long drink of water. "Okay. I'll go fill it tomorrow, before I go to work."

Nicholas stared at the prescription, the psychiatrist's messy scrawl a reminder of what had led to Steve being given medicine in the first place. "No. Don't worry about it, Son. I'll take care of it."

* * *

"Sodapop, look at me."

At Pony's words, Soda blinked, breaking out of the daze he'd fallen into, as Darry changed his bandage. "Sorry, Pone. I'm trying to listen."

Darry wrapped the new bandage around Soda's arm, the beige material pressing into the white gauze underneath it. "I'm just about done, little buddy."

Pony continued the story he'd been telling. "So then TwoBit laughed so hard, I thought he was going to piss his pants..."

Soda tried to focus on Pony's words, but his eyes wandered to the window, seeing the darkening sky. He heard the sound of the medical tape being ripped from its roll, then felt Darry's hands use it to seal the bandage.

"All right. I'm done. You did better that time, little buddy."

Upon hearing Darry's words, Soda snapped back into the living room, where he sat with his brothers. "Um, I think I need to go to sleep, Dar. I'm awful tired, and it'll be good to be back in my own bed."

* * *

"You don't have to tell me that anymore, Dad. I know."

Before replying to Steve's words, Nicholas tucked the blanket around his shoulders, then paused for a moment. "But it's important for me to tell you right now anyway. It sounds like you're struggling and-"

Steve lifted himself up off his pillow. "I'm not struggling, Dad. I'm just...feeling a lot of things."

"Okay, Son. But still. I think you need to hear me say I'm here for you. Just in case you do start to struggle, I want those words to be in your head and in your heart."

* * *

The fear slithered from one corner to the next, before settling in the center of Soda's heart. While he slept, the slumber at first peaceful on the surface, his subconscious saw the line separating the past and present begin to blur.


	5. Chapter 5

The haze of grogginess greeted Soda, as his eyes opened, heavy with the late night dawn on unwanted dreams. He could hear his brothers yelling from one room to another, the voices of a morning routine beginning to lull him back to sleep.

Despite his closed eyes, Soda sensed a presence in his bedroom, jolting as a hand touched his back and a voice spoke to him. "I'll be home for lunch, little buddy."

Soda made his eyes open to see his big brother looking back at him. Somewhere within the fog of images that had disturbed his rest so often overnight, he found his own voice. "K, Dar."

* * *

I am not struggling, Steve told himself, as he walked in the school hallway. I'm fine. I have these feelings, but I'm fine.

TwoBit's eyebrow raised, the expression on Steve's face telling him he was hardly there with him, let alone listening. "Hey, Steve-O, what's going on in that head of yours?"

"Nothing, TwoBit."

"Nothing? Damn, no wonder you look so out of it."

Steve felt a smile tug at his lips, despite the thoughts in his mind. "Yeah, my head is about as empty as yours right now."

* * *

Drops of food coloring mixed with the freshly scrambled eggs, turning them from yellow to green.

Soda, focused on using his left hand, stirred his creation with a spatula, making the eggs move along the circular surface of the frying pan. He reached for a fork, piercing a piece of the green egg and lifting it to his mouth to take a bite.

Soda was still chewing when there was a knock on the door.

* * *

No sense in sticking around here today, Steve thought, as he turned the key in his car's ignition. He shifted into reverse, backing out of the space, before moving forward and peeling out of the school's parking lot.

* * *

"I'm sorry. It's really hard for me to talk about this."

Officer Rhodes regarded Soda with sympathy, the pen in his hand tapping softly against the pad of paper. "I'll be a little more specific then. Maybe that could help. Do you remember anything about the shooter's physical appearance?"

Soda shifted in his chair, his memory clear. "Yeah."

"Like what? Hair color? Eye color?"

Soda swallowed, able to see both of his hands shaking. "His hair, I think it was kind of brown. I saw his eyes, but not real close, so I don't know."

"Okay. Anything else you can tell me about his face?"

Soda's memory flashed, making his breath catch. "No. Cause he was-"

The front door opened, Steve's voice indicating his presence, before he stepped inside the house. "Hey, Soda, why is there a cop car in the-"

Soda turned to look at his best friend, the words he'd been about to speak still on the tip of his tongue. "Um, hey, Steve. This is Officer Rhodes. He just came to talk to me about, uh, what happened."

Steve moved to the chair closest to Soda, eyeing the officer. "I hope you didn't bring that partner of yours."

Officer Rhodes didn't take offense. "No. Just me this time."

Soda looked between Steve and the officer. "You two know each other?"

Steve was the first to explain. "I'll tell you later, but we met at the hospital when you were still in surgery."

Officer Rhodes got back to the conversation at hand. "All right. So what were you about to say about the shooter's face, Mr. Curtis?"

Soda felt Steve's hand come to rest on his shoulder, as he tried to go back to what he'd been saying. "I never- I never saw his face cause he was wearing a mask. A black one."

Officer Rhodes jotted down some notes about the details Soda had told him. "Okay. Can you tell me what his voice sounded like?"

Soda refused to acknowledge the tears in his eyes, blinking them back, before he answered the question. "Um, it was just a man's voice, I guess. Maybe kind of deep, but I was really scared so..."

Officer Rhodes shifted the focus to another detail. "What did he say to you?"

Soda's gaze locked with Steve's, silent support keeping him going. "Um, he said to give him the money, and I was trying to, but he didn't wait. I was shaking so bad cause the gun, it was right there and..."

Officer Rhodes heard the tremble in Soda's voice, dreading even to ask his last question. "Is there anyone you think would want to hurt you, Mr. Curtis?"

Soda felt Steve's hand grip his shoulder even tighter, as he shook his head. "No. No one. I get along with people, and no one would ever-"

Officer Rhodes made one last note, before he closed his pad of paper and stood to his feet. "Thank you. I think I have all I need."

Soda nodded at the officer, able to feel the shake in his body, as a pain moved through the fingers of his right hand, yet another reminder of the night he'd been shot.

Steve stayed close to Soda, as Officer Rhodes saw himself out. "You got through it, man. It's over."

Soda still didn't let the tears out, as he looked down at the bandage on his injured arm, the sound of the gun shot reverberating in his head.

"Sodapop?"

Soda covered his eyes with both hands, feeling the memory resurrecting itself, fresh from the place he'd tried to leave it.

Steve kept his hand on Soda's shoulder. "It's okay, man. You don't have to talk about it anymore."

Soda could see the image of the black mask erasing the line between the past and the present, as he was so still, the sound of his own breathing echoed in his ears. "Please help me. Please don't."

Steve fit together the clues in Soda's demeanor and his words, a cold feeling of recognition dawning on him. He reached for one of his friend's wrists, grasping it gently. "Soda, you need to look at me."

Soda saw the gun that had pointed at him, the memory of the panic from that night filling his senses. He could feel the pain that had ripped through him, the searing agony of traveling metal colliding with his flesh. "No. No. I can't. Please don't make me."

"It's over, buddy. It's not real. I promise you."

Within the painful spiral that melded the past and present into one entity, Soda felt Steve's arms wrap around him. He clutched onto his friend, pushing his face into his shoulder, but the mask didn't disappear.

* * *

"Damn. I meant to get here sooner. I got hung up trying to finish that job."

Steve glanced out the window at Soda, as he replied to Darry. "Don't sweat it, Superman. At least he wasn't alone. Hell, I was just going to come hang out for lunch time, but I couldn't leave him after that."

Darry followed Steve's gaze, seeing Soda on the porch swing, getting much needed fresh air. "Thanks, Steve. For being here. He still looks really shaken up. It pisses me off that that cop made him talk about it when he's clearly not ready. Shit, this is his first full day out of the hospital."

"At least he didn't bring his jerk of a partner with him."

"Be honest with me. How bad was it?"

"He kind of scared me, Darry. The cop left, and he wouldn't say anything else. He was still shaking all over and covering his face up, like he couldn't stand to look. Then, he started saying stuff, and it-" Steve felt the urge to deny the truth, even though he'd witnessed it himself. "-it reminded me of when I've had my flashbacks."

"What was he saying?"

"He asked for help, then said 'please don't.' I tried to get him to look at me, and he told me he couldn't."

"You really think Soda could've been having a flashback, like what you've had? It was that bad?"

"Sure seemed like it. I didn't ask him anything about it yet though. I just wanted to get him to calm down. But, man, when I hugged him, he held on so tight, it was like he was scared to death."

* * *

"Go back to work, Darry. I'm fine now. You guys can't hover over me all day, and I know we need the money."

Darry let out a sigh, as he sat down beside Soda on the porch swing, logic telling him his brother was right. "Okay. But I won't be late. Are you sure you're all right?"

Soda didn't spare the question a second of thought. "Yes. I'm sure. I just- I don't know. I got kind of upset."

Steve refrained from rolling his eyes or arguing with Soda's claim. Kind of upset, my ass, he thought, as he took a drag off his cigarette. "Go, Darry. I'll be here a little longer anyway. It'd be stupid for me to go back to school now. I'll just swing by my house before I have to go to work."

Darry gave Soda's hand a squeeze, before standing to his feet. "I'll see you when I get home, little buddy."

Soda nodded, then watched Darry head toward his truck. "I'm real sorry, Stevie."

Steve heard the slam of the truck's door, as he blew smoke from his lips. "What are you talking about, man?"

Soda waved to Darry, trying to give him a grin, as the truck's engine started, and he backed out of the driveway. "I mean, you missed a lot of school, you know, before. I'm sorry you missed more cause of me."

Steve put out the cigarette, tossing the butt to the ground. "It's not a big deal, Sodapop. My grades are good, and we don't have that long left."

"I'm glad you were here."

"Me too, buddy." I wasn't there for you that night, Steve thought. "I mean it." But I'm going to make damn sure I am now.

* * *

"I made sure to finish it up for him myself. It's starting much better now."

Steve watched as Mr. Coleman pulled the key from the ignition of Soda's car. "You have to replace some spark plugs?"

Mr. Coleman closed the driver's side door, then looked over the deep green Chevy that Soda had bought from his nephew to fix up as his own. "Yeah. It was a pretty routine repair, though it sure sounded like it would take more than that."

Steve followed Mr. Coleman out of the garage, back inside the station. "I'll be over there after my shift, so I'll tell Soda it's ready."

"How's he doing anyway? I can't help but think about what happened every time I look around this place."

"Me too, honestly. But he's doing okay, I guess. I know he's going to want to talk to you about coming back to work."

"Do you think it'll be a while before he can?"

"I'm not sure, but it won't be this week or anything. Just depends what the doctor says when he goes back to get the stitches out of his arm."

"I'll have him back as soon as he's able, but he can sure take all the time he needs."

* * *

"I just don't feel like it right now, Pone."

Pony looked at Soda, who was stretched out on his bed, a blanket completely covering him. "All right. I just thought you'd want to get out for a little while."

Soda turned over, so he could peek out at Pony. "Maybe tomorrow. I didn't sleep that great last night."

Seeing his brother's eyes drift shut, Pony drew closer to him. He let a few moments of silence pass. "Sodapop?"

"Hmm?"

"Why didn't you sleep?"

"I did sleep. Just not that much."

"Okay. But why?"

"I don't know. I just didn't."

"You didn't dream about-" Pony hesitated, as he touched Soda's shoulder. "-about getting shot, did you?"

Soda grabbed a fistful of the blanket, holding it over his face. "No. Of course not. I didn't dream about anything."

"You just don't usually have trouble sleeping unless something is bothering you. That's why I asked. Sorry if I shouldn't have mentioned it."

"That's all right, Pony. It's not a big deal. I'm okay."

* * *

"You gotta change it everyday, huh? Well, I guess that makes sense. You want to make sure it heals like it's supposed to."

Yet another bandage change complete, Soda didn't reply to Steve, before heading out into the backyard.

Darry watched him go, as he pulled the latex gloves off his hands. "It may not seem like it, but he's a lot better with this now than he was the first time."

Steve thought of how he'd shown up just about at the end of this temporary nightly routine, imagining he wouldn't find it easy to actually see Soda's wound either. "I can't blame him though. It's not hard to know what he must think of every time. Just hearing him talk to that cop earlier was even tough for me."

"I still haven't brought that up. I'm not sure if I should."

* * *

Soda stared at the cigarette he was smoking, flicking ashes on the ground beside the back porch steps. He put it between his lips, puffing on it, as he saw Steve sit down next to him. "It wasn't what you said. I just needed to come outside."

Steve spoke to his friend, not at all offended by Soda's retreat from the house. "I didn't think it was, buddy."

"Um, what you said earlier about that cop's partner. Why?"

"Guy pissed me off asking Darry stupid questions. You know how they can be just cause we're on this side of town."

"Oh." Soda took another drag off his cigarette, inhaling deeply, before exhaling the smoke into the air. "I'm fine now, Stevie. That today, it- well, it wasn't anything."

Steve kept his voice soft and unaccusing, as he questioned his best friend's assertion. "It wasn't, huh? Sure looked like something, Sodapop."

"I mean, maybe it was something, but it's over now. So it doesn't matter."

Steve laid a hand on Soda's shoulder. "If it didn't matter, you wouldn't have brought it up, buddy."

Soda tossed his cigarette to the ground, stomping on it, as he pushed back the tears that were fighting to come out of his eyes. "You think you know me so damn well."

"Because I do, man. You know I do."

"Please, Steve. Please don't make a big deal out of it. Darry's already worried about me, and I think Pony is too cause I told him-"

"Told him what?"

"Nothing."

"Listen to me, buddy. No matter what you say, I'm not going to force you to talk. But you don't gotta sit here and deny anything. It's okay if shit is bothering you, man. You know I understand."

"But it's not bothering me. Nothing is bothering me. And what happened to me is nothing like what you went through anyway."

"It doesn't have to be. It's still hard to talk about and hard to get through. It's still traumatic."

Soda let a beat of silence pass, not finding it within himself to contradict the truth of Steve's last statement. "Can we just talk about something else? Please? I've kind of had a rough day, and I don't want to argue with you."

"Of course we can, man. As long as you tell me you know I'm here for you."

"I know that, Stevie. I always know that."

"All right. I'll stop being a pain in the ass for right now then."

"Something tells me that won't last long. You're too good at it."

Steve huffed out a laugh, as he elbowed Soda. "And you're not?"

"Not as good as you."

"Yeah. Whatever, buddy. Hey, Coleman finished fixing your car for you. So it's all ready to go."

"I want to talk to him anyway, so maybe I'll be up to walking over there tomorrow to pick it up."

"You okay to drive?"

"I think so. As long as nothing's hurting real bad or anything, it shouldn't be a problem."

* * *

Steve opened the cabinet that held his medication, still finding only the bottle that was close to empty. "Hey, Dad, did you remember to fill that new prescription today?"

Nicholas stirred the pot of soup that was on the stove. "I did, Son."

Steve took out one of the pills and put the bottle back in the cabinet, before replying. "Where is it?"

"It's in my room."

Steve swallowed the pill, then turned on the sink, refilling his water glass. "Oh. There's only one left in here now."

"I know."

Steve, glass of water in hand, went to stand beside Nicholas, noticing he was staring at the vegetable soup he'd put together. "Dad, is something going on?"

"No, nothing's going on at all."

"You insisted on picking up the prescription, and now, it's in your room. Are you trying to keep it from me?"

Nicholas turned off the burner, the flame underneath the pot extinguished. "No. I just got worried, so I didn't put it in the cabinet."

"Then, that's a 'yes,' Dad. You're wanting to keep it from me again. Why? Did I say something?"

"No. It's not because of anything you said, Son. But I know it's been hard for you since Sodapop and the shooting, and I'm not saying it shouldn't be-"

"You think I'd try to kill myself again because of all the stuff I've been feeling."

"No. I just didn't know if you might feel bad enough to have thoughts about hurting yourself or if you could start wanting to."

"You could've just asked. Damn, you've been listening to me. I want to be there for Soda. I can't do that if I'm overdosing on my pills."

"I know, Son. I know you do. But that doesn't mean you couldn't feel like you have before."

"I'm not feeling like that right now, Dad. I'm not even having those thoughts at all. If I do, or if I get afraid I could do something to myself, I promise I'll tell you."

* * *

"How many of those have you taken today, Sodapop?"

Soda shrugged in reply to Darry's question, as he swallowed a dose of ibuprofen. "I don't know. Just a few. It's not the strong stuff, and I ain't like Pony is with the aspirin."

Darry followed Soda into the living room, sitting beside him on the couch. "Have you been hurting a lot today?"

"Sometimes, I guess. But the pills help."

"What's been hurting, little buddy?"

"Nothing different, Dar. Just what you already know about. My arm's sore too, and I guess I can't expect it not to be."

Darry stared at Soda, picturing the thoughts that must be playing in his head.

"You're looking at me like you want to say something."

"Steve told me about how you were after you talked to that cop."

"I figured he would. I'd do that same thing. Hell, I _have_ done the same thing."

"So what was happening?"

"I already told you. I just got kind of upset."

"Steve didn't tell me about it because you were 'kind of upset,' little buddy."

"He asked me a bunch of questions, and it was hard talking about what happened. But that's all. It was nothing."

* * *

"I'm sorry, Son. I should've asked you, not just assumed."

Steve stood in the doorway of Nicholas' bedroom, the apology one he knew he could accept. "It's okay, Dad. Please don't worry about it."

Nicholas put the green ribbon bookmark in the place he'd been reading, before closing the Bible and setting it on his nightstand. "Thanks. The last thing I wanted is to upset you."

"I'm not upset. Really. I can't even blame you for doing something you think could protect me. Besides, I have other stuff on my mind tonight."

"Stuff like what? You were kind of late coming home. Is anything going on with Sodapop?"

Steve stepped farther into the room, settling at the foot of Nicholas' bed. "Yeah. There is. He says nothing is bothering him, but I know it is."

"How do you know?"

"A cop came to talk to him today. You know, cause they have to do that since there was a shooting. It was the decent one who came to the hospital. But still, Soda didn't want to talk about any of that. I ended up being there with him because I went over at lunch time."

"So how'd it go?"

"I mean, he answered the questions. He told the cop what he remembers. But after... Damn, it was hard seeing Soda like that, Dad."

"Like what?"

"He kept telling me tonight that it's nothing, and it doesn't matter, but I really think he went back to it. I think he had a flashback of the shooting."

* * *

In the sleeping silence of night, Soda carried a pillow and blanket from his bedroom to the living room. He flicked on the TV, turning the volume down low, so he could just hear the laughing voice of Johnny Carson. Lying down on the couch, Soda didn't look around the house or out the windows. He focused on the glow of the TV screen and the softness of the pillow, letting his head sink into it.

His eyes still open, Soda drew the blanket up to his face, the down material touching his cheek. His gaze bore into the TV screen, the present series of pictures distracting his mind from those of the past, until he lost the resolve to keep himself awake, falling into the world of perilous dreams.

* * *

"We have plenty of time to figure everything out, honey. You're only a couple of months along."

Vivian, thankful for the reassurance, kissed Samuel's cheek. "I know. I think I'm just excited too, so I want to get things ready."

Samuel pinned his name tag to the front of his shirt, as he smiled. "I can tell you are. Nicholas called me yesterday to let me know Soda went home a couple of days ago, so I think I'm going to drop by and see him this afternoon."

"That's sweet of you. You've been such a good friend to all of them, honey. I know they appreciate you."

"And I appreciate them. Both Nicholas and Steve really mean a lot to me now, so Sodapop does too. I want to see if he needs anything."

* * *

"He told me he didn't sleep that much Monday night."

Darry spread mayonnaise on a slice of bread, tossing a slice of tomato on top, as he spoke to Pony. "It would make sense for him to have trouble sleeping right now."

Pony put plastic wrap around the sandwich Darry had made for him, as he glanced at Soda, who was fast asleep on the couch. He was flat on his back, one foot hanging off the side, a blanket covering only his middle. "Yeah, it would. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I asked him if he was having dreams about, you know, getting shot. It was just the first thing that popped into my head."

"What'd he say?"

"He said no, but he wouldn't say why it was hard to sleep. Just that it wasn't a big deal."

The front door swung open, signaling the arrival of TwoBit Mathews. "Good mor-"

Darry interrupted their friend's usual loud greeting. "Shh. Soda is asleep on the couch. I don't want you waking him up. He needs the rest."

TwoBit put a finger over his lips, before turning to Pony, his voice a dramatic whisper. "Come on, Kid. Ride to school with me. It'll be a blast."

Pony rolled his eyes, as he slung his backpack over his shoulder. "You don't have to be _that_ quiet, TwoBit." He turned to Darry. "Track practice starts this afternoon, so I'll be back kind of late, Dar."

Darry nodded, as he put the lunch meat and condiments back in the refrigerator. "All right, Pone. I'll see you tonight."

Pony started to follow TwoBit out to his car, but paused, not finished talking to his oldest brother. "I always like running, but I think I really need it right now. I'm worried about Soda."

Darry closed the refrigerator door, leaning up against it. "I know. Me too."

Pony took another glance at his middle brother, always seeing him as the one who'd helped him through his worst nights, just with his comforting presence. "It was the scariest thing to almost lose him, Darry. And now, I can't shake the feeling he wasn't telling the truth. Soda's not the best liar, you know? He doesn't hide stuff well, and I think he is dreaming about it."

* * *

Soda slipped on a pair of tennis shoes and started to tie them. The fingers of his right hand struggled to grip the laces, but he slowly managed to get a beginning knot. The trouble only increased, as he attempted to create the loops and pull them through.

Soda heard himself sigh, the sound so distressed from this simple task that he gave up, tucking the undone laces inside the shoe.

* * *

I need to call Laura, Steve thought, as his English teacher, Mrs. Thompson, handed them back their most recent essays. Despite his current distress, he grinned at the grade on the paper, an "A."

Steve read over Mrs. Thompson's comments that were written in blue pen. Each one, minus a few corrections, praised his work. He turned to the end of the essay, seeing a longer note below his own concluding paragraph: "This is excellent work, Steve. You've improved so much in your writing. Good job expressing yourself! I'm glad you're so determined to work hard and do the best you can do."

* * *

The DX came into view, the sight of it making Soda come to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk. His eyes swept the front of the building, as he took a deep breath, making his feet move forward again. It's fine, he told himself. It's just the DX. Nothing has changed.

Soda approached the edge of the parking lot, recognizing Mr. Coleman's car in a space close to the garage. He walked across the pavement, drawing closer to the station's door. It's not a big deal, he told himself. You've been working here for a long time.

Soda stopped beside the door, his eyes wandering to the gas pumps and the handful of cars in line for service. One of his coworkers was there, sliding a squeegee over a windshield, completely unaware he was near.

Soda found himself looking all around, his heart beat going faster, as he imagined the places where the robber could've hidden. Had he been waiting in the bushes? Had he been around the corner of the building, his mask blending into the night, as he prepared to make his presence and intentions known? Had he been just outside the entrance, watching Soda through the glass?

Soda turned and opened the door, the sight of the inside of the station making him freeze, the bell that announced his arrival now a threatening sound.

_"Give me the money, kid!"_

Soda's hands went to his ears, at the same time his eyes registered Mr. Coleman returning from the back of the store.

_"Where's the key? Hurry up and unlock the damn thing. I don't got all night!"_

Soda's gaze moved to the counter and to the register, remembering where he'd been standing.

_"I said hurry up, kid! Don't think I won't shoot you!"_

Soda saw Mr. Coleman right in front of him, his lips moving, though he couldn't make out his boss' words.

_"I'm done with you, kid. I don't have time for this."_

Soda stared at the spot, where he'd fallen, stricken by both the force of the shot and the sudden pain. He saw the blood that had begun to pour from his arm, as the masked man was quick to fully unlock the cash register and remove the cash, before disappearing back out into the night.

Soda felt Mr. Coleman's hands on his shoulders, finally hearing his voice. "Sodapop, I know it must be hard to be here again. But, come on. Let me know you're in there."

Soda moved his eyes to Mr. Coleman, blinking away the image of the mask, as he let his hands fall from his ears. "I- I am. I'm right here."

"I know you probably came to get your car, but do you need to sit down? You're white as a sheet."

"Um, maybe. I feel kind of funny. It's weird to come in here after- after what happened."

"I keep thinking about it, so I know you must."

Soda forced his feet to go forward, walking over to the counter. He stood behind it, looking at the cash register, then at the door. You're fine, he told himself. There's nothing to be scared of.

"Sodapop? Are you still with me?"

Soda heard the sound of the bell, the jingle making him jump, the incoming customer's face transforming into the mask he'd seen the night of the shooting. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm with you. I'm here, and I'm fine." I'm okay, he told himself. It's not real.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N : Okay, so I'm not going to make a habit of ridiculously frequent updates again, but just this one time! :) I feel like this chapter is sort of chapter 5's second half, so here it is!

The remnants of the memories that had once consistently haunted Steve lifted themselves from their slumber. They pieced one another together, blending to create the past that had claimed his sense of peace and stolen his control.

* * *

Denial mingled with the fear, as Soda drove his car out of the garage. Before moving forward to make his way onto the street, he looked at the DX, forging a path of thought to convince himself his reaction within held no meaning.

Soda pressed on the gas pedal, the fingers of his left hand firmly holding the steering wheel, while those of his right managed only a gentle grasp. He looked each way, before moving into the traffic that would lead him home.

* * *

"It's okay if you're feeling overwhelmed, Steve. I thought you might. That's why I made sure to remind you it's fine to call me."

Steve let the hands that had covered his face drop to his lap, his gaze moving up to Laura. "But I don't get it. Why is this making me feel like- I don't know. Like I used to feel all the time?"

Laura used a question to begin guiding Steve into making the connection she herself could see. "When you first heard Sodapop had been shot, how did you feel?"

"Scared. Really scared."

"And yesterday, when you witnessed what you believe may have been Sodapop experiencing a trauma flashback, how did you feel?"

"Scared then too. But I guess mostly helpless. Because I wanted to stop it for him, and I couldn't."

"Okay. Now, I'm going to go back much further. When you were being sexually abused, how did you feel?"

"I was scared and hurt, and I wanted it to stop."

"But the situation was one you couldn't control. You're not being victimized now, Steve, and you weren't the one who was injured, but someone very close to you is suffering. Something happened that you couldn't prevent, and that loss of control is, in some ways, similar to what you experienced as a child."

"I hadn't thought of it like that. I mean, it makes sense. I just didn't expect it."

"I think that connection back to past emotions is one reason you've been struggling with feeling guilty. It's a way to compensate for that loss of control and try to make sense of what's happening."

"That makes sense too. I've just felt so messed up all day today and like any minute, I could have a flashback. I keep thinking about the abuse and stuff. It's making me tense. But, even more than that, I get scared for Sodapop. He has enough to go through with his arm and all. I don't want him to have to go through anything like what I have too."

* * *

"So I heard you know you're loved."

Soda smiled at Samuel, even though his heart was still bathed in fear, denial attempting to drown his memories. "Yeah. I do. I know I was kind of joking when I said that to Nicholas, but I meant it."

Samuel saw Soda's smile immediately falter, his expression changing, as he looked down. "Are you okay, Sodapop?"

Soda nodded, yet again giving denial a place to belong. "Yeah. I'm okay."

Samuel put his hand on Soda's shoulder. "I came over because I wanted to see you. But also because I wanted to make sure you know I'm here if you need anything at all."

"Yeah. I know. I'm just not sure what I need right now."

* * *

_Steve,_

_ I took Audrey out for an early dinner. I'll see you tonight._

_ Dad._

Steve set the note Nicholas had left for him back on the table. Well, I did tell him to live his life, he thought. I'm glad he listened.

* * *

"Nothing happened today, Darry. I just went and picked up my car. That's all."

Darry, puzzled by both Soda's answer and his tone, clarified his question. "Okay. I was just asking what you've been up to, little buddy. I didn't mean I thought anything happened."

Soda told himself to relax, realizing Darry was only checking in with him, like he often did. "Sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that."

"It's all right, Sodapop. But I have to admit that makes me think something _did_ happen."

"It's nothing, Dar. I picked my car up from the DX. Then, Samuel came over to see me."

"How did you do going back to the DX?"

Soda's mouth opened, before he re-thought his answer. "Um, it was fine. Kind of weird. But fine."

Darry saw Soda look away from him, his eyes drawn to the floor. "Soda?"

Soda's voice was soft, as he didn't look back up at his big brother. "What?"

"Are you sure it was fine? I don't think it would even be fine for me."

"Yeah. Nothing happened there. It didn't really bother me. I just, uh, talked to Coleman for a minute, then drove home."

Darry moved closer to Soda, taking a seat directly in front of him, before tilting his chin up. "Sodapop, I need you to look at me."

Soda met Darry's eyes, not sensing any choice in the matter. "Really, Darry. It's nothing."

"You keep saying that, and you keep saying nothing happened."

"Because it didn't. Nothing's going on with me. It seems like everyone thinks there is, but I'm fine."

"You promised you'd tell me if you started having a hard time, little buddy. So please tell me the truth."

Soda felt tears come to his eyes and bit down hard on his bottom lip. "I am, Darry. The thing with the cop yesterday, whatever Steve told you, it's nothing. And today at the DX, I was okay. It's not bothering me."

"What's not bothering you?"

Soda closed his eyes, the tears still there and on the verge of falling. "What happened. It's not. I swear it's not. It's over."

Darry let go of Soda's chin, reaching instead to hold each of his hands. "You're keeping things to yourself, little buddy. I can see it, and I can hear it in what you've been saying to me. When I told you that you can't pretend, I-"

"I'm not pretending! I told you don't say that to me. Cause you don't know, Darry. You don't know anything!"

"That's because you won't tell me! You just deny everything, like it's no big deal. I know you, Sodapop. And I know what I'm seeing."

"But I'm not lying to you. You make it sound like I am, but I'm not."

"No. I'm not trying to do that. I'm just trying to get you to talk to me. You went through something hard. You're still going through it now, and I don't want you trying to handle it all by yourself. I know how things can affect you."

"What do you mean by that? I'm just as tough as you."

"I'm not saying you're not tough at all. Cause you are. That's why you're still here. But when something scares or hurts you or someone you love, you react to it. Those emotions are visible on you, little buddy, and there are certain things I know you take really hard. I've been with you through a lot of them."

"But this isn't like any of that."

"Exactly." Darry had yet to release Soda's hands, only gripping them tighter. "Someone pointed a gun at you and threatened your life."

"Don't, Darry. Please don't."

"Then, he shot you. And you could've died."

"Please stop. I don't want to do this."

"You were scared. You were bleeding a lot."

"I did bleed a lot. I even thought-"

"You thought what, Pepsi Cola?"

"Nothing. I don't want to talk. Can you stop? Please?"

Darry nodded, seeing clearly the distress on Soda's face. "Okay. But I want to know you're hearing me. Are you?"

"Yeah. I got it, Darry. I'm listening to you. I promise."

* * *

"After Rose died, I felt so lost. I didn't know what to do without her. But having Steve is what kept me going."

Audrey focused on Nicholas' words, even as she pondered her own past she'd yet to tell him all about. "It sounds like you two have had only each other for a really long time."

Nicholas' mind drifted to what else had happened since Rose's death and the years he and Steve barely had each other, yet he wasn't ready to divulge this story. "Yeah. We have."

"Has my brother ever told you why I moved here? Well, one of the reasons anyway."

"No. Not really. He told me some things had changed in your life. He didn't say what."

"Well, I was in a relationship. We were going to get married."

"What happened?"

"He was seeing another woman, and I found out about it."

Nicholas took Audrey's hand in his own. "I'm so sorry to hear that."

"Thank you. But I'm all right now. He really hurt me though. I can't even describe how betrayed I felt."

"That hasn't happened to me, but I know exactly what you mean. It hurts when you trust someone, and they take advantage of it."

"I kept feeling like I should've seen it sooner. It took me a long time to let go of the fact that I didn't."

"I can understand that too. So you decided to move after the relationship ended?"

"Not right after, but yes. I found out about some job openings here, and I wanted to live near Samuel again."

"I'm sorry to hear what happened. I'm so sorry you got hurt. But I'm truly glad I got to meet you and so happy you're here now."

* * *

"So how's the car, man?"

Soda turned to look at Steve from his place on the hood of the Chevy. "Running just fine now."

Steve lifted himself up to sit beside Soda. "Good. How about you?"

"I don't know. I just saw you last night, Stevie."

"Yeah. But I'm still asking. You talk to Coleman?"

"Um, just a little bit. I told him I go get these stitches out next Thursday. I didn't tell him everything yet. Like about the nerve damage I might have. I don't want to til I know more."

Steve saw Soda's head drop, his gaze landing on the car's green paint. "If it is that, they'll treat it. It'll be okay, Sodapop."

"I know."

"My dad's out with Audrey again. He left me a note saying he took her to an early dinner."

"Oh."

"What's up, buddy?"

"Nothing. Nothing's up. Why does everyone think-" Soda took a deep breath, his eyes moving to Steve. "Sorry. I'm just sort of on edge today. If I tell you something, will you not ask any questions about it?"

"Okay."

"I didn't like being at the DX today. It was hard and- I just didn't like it."

Steve laid a hand on Soda's back. "I didn't think you would like being there. You have a hard time even just talking about what happened. Of course, it's hard to be in the place where it did."

"I really want to tell you something else, but I don't know how. Even though I think you already know anyway. You were here after the cop left. You saw me."

"I did."

"I don't want to deal with this, Stevie. I just want it all to go away. I keep telling myself it's not bothering me."

"Buddy, you know that doesn't work."

"I keep thinking if I say it enough, it will, and this will stop. Darry was trying to get me to talk to him earlier. He said a bunch of stuff cause he thinks I'm keeping things to myself."

"Is he right?"

"No! I'm not doing that. I just- I just can't talk about it."

"So that means you are keeping it to yourself then."

"But I'm fine. Nothing's going on with me."

Steve studied his best friend, as he touched his shoulder. "Sodapop, you just said you tell yourself nothing is bothering you, hoping that will make it stop. You told me you don't want to deal with this, and you want it all to go away. That doesn't sound like you're fine."

"But I am. I really am."

"What did you want to tell me about what I saw yesterday?"

"It happened again."

"Okay. I think I know what you're telling me. But what did exactly?"

Soda didn't speak for a few seconds, as he tried to form words that would answer the question. "I'm sorry, Stevie."

"Sorry? Why? You're really confusing me here, buddy."

"Cause I can't do it. I can't say it."

"It's okay if you can't talk about it yet, man. That's as true as it was when I told you at the hospital. It hasn't even been a week."

"Yeah. I know."

"But what I want you to know, and what I'm sure Darry wants you to know too is you can't do this forever. You know just as well as I do you're going to have to let whatever is in there out, or it won't get better."

* * *

"My son thinks I should cook you dinner sometime."

Audrey walked beside Nicholas, the endearing attempt at an invitation making her smile. "So I take it that means you will?"

Nicholas wrapped his arm around Audrey's waist, leading her along the path that circled the park. "It does."

"When?"

"How about Friday night?"

"It's a date then."

"But what should I cook?"

"Whatever you like. I'm not picky. Will Steve eat with us?"

Nicholas smiled, amused as he remembered the conversation he'd had with Steve about this scenario. "I told him I'd fix him a plate of food if he'll leave us alone."

"Tell him he can stay. Even if he teases us. He's the most important part of your life. I want to know him too."

* * *

"Move your big ass, TwoBit! I can't even see the TV."

"My ass is _not_ big!"

Soda tried to laugh at the banter between Steve and TwoBit, but found he couldn't. He slipped away, disappearing into his bedroom and closing the door behind him.

* * *

"So I'll see you Friday evening?"

Nicholas put his hand over Audrey's that had cupped his cheek, her fingers brushing over the rough stubble on his face. His eyes closed, as he leaned forward to kiss her lips, then he moved back to stare into her eyes. "Yes. Absolutely."

* * *

"Hey, Soda, what are you doing, man? I turned around, and you were gone."

Soda sat cross-legged on the floor of his bedroom and didn't turn his head to look at Steve. "I don't know. I'm just here."

Steve closed the door, making sure he heard it click, before he dropped down beside Soda.

"I'm fine. You can go back and hang out with TwoBit."

"Nah. He's good. Parked his butt on the couch with a beer."

"Oh."

"I hate seeing you like this, buddy."

"Then, don't. You don't have to stay here. I just told you that."

"You know damn well I didn't mean it like that."

"Sorry."

"I wasn't going to tell you this right now, but I went to talk to Laura again today."

"You did? Why?"

"Cause I was having a hard time. Sort of felt like the memories of the abuse are right there waiting to jump at me. I've been thinking about it a lot."

"Oh. I wish you never had to think about it at all, Stevie."

"It's not like it has been before, but I figured I should say something, before it could get that way again. You know, with the flashbacks and all. Even if they do still happen, I know I'll handle them better if I can talk about it."

"Yeah."

"You hear what I'm saying to you, buddy?"

"I hear you."

"Okay. Just let me know when you're ready then, man. Day or night, I'll be there."

* * *

"I kissed Audrey again."

Steve shook his head, a smile on his face, as Nicholas recounted his date. "You don't have to tell me every time, Dad."

Nicholas lifted his feet up to rest on the coffee table, relaxing against the couch. "I know. I'm just giving you an opportunity to tease me. I invited her over for dinner on Friday night."

"All right. Make me a plate, and I'll get lost."

"She said she wants you to stay."

"But it's your date. Shouldn't you be alone?"

"We'll just be here. It's not like you're coming with us to a drive-in movie or anything like that."

"Now, that would be really weird."

"Audrey wants to know you too."

"Okay then. I'll stick around a while. Hey, Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm really glad you're seeing her. You deserve to be happy."

Before Nicholas could reply to the sentiment, Steve had scooted closer to him and laid his head on his shoulder. "Anything going on, Son?"

"I called Laura after school today, then went to talk to her."

"All right. Why?"

"I just needed to, and I thought I should. I guess it's like she said. Things have been out of my control, and it makes me feel like I did when I was a kid."

"Out of your control? You mean because of Sodapop?"

"Yeah. It makes me feel scared and helpless and all kinds of stuff and sort of brings things back."

Nicholas slid his arm around Steve, keeping him close. "So how are you now?"

"Better."

"Okay. Good. I worry about you sometimes, you know."

"Sometimes? Try all the time, Dad."

"Yeah, yeah. So I do all the time. You can't blame me."

"No. I definitely can't. It's been almost six months."

"What has?"

"Since I overdosed. It's been almost six months since I tried to kill myself."

At the mere mention of that day, Nicholas held his son a little tighter, resting his own head on top of Steve's. "So what do you think about that?"

"I'm not sure. I guess, in some ways, it feels like a really long time ago. But, at the same time, it feels like it happened yesterday."

* * *

"It's okay, Sodapop. We're here, little buddy. I promise you're safe."

Soda felt a hand sweep through his hair. He heard his own deep breaths moving in a rhythm with his heart that was beating too fast.

"I've never seen him have nightmares at all, Dar. But especially not like this."

"Me neither, Pone. Not even when we were little."

Soda felt a pair of arms wrap around him, holding him close.

"Shh. Just go back to sleep. You're all right."

"Yeah. It's okay, Soda. It's just a dream. It can't hurt you, remember?"

Soda felt his body begin to relax, as he sank back onto the bed. A hand rubbed his shoulder, at the same time a blanket covered him.

"I'll stay with him, Darry. You can go back to your room."

"Okay. But come get me if it starts happening again."

Soda felt a body close to his, then a head on his shoulder.

"I'm here, Soda. I'm staying right here with you. Just like you did for me."

* * *

"It was just a bad dream, Dar. I'm over it."

"You were screaming and crying out, little buddy. That's not 'just' anything."

Pony listened to the back and forth between his brothers, remembering how distressed Soda had been in the middle of the night. "A couple of times, I thought you were about to do it again too."

Soda looked at his little brother, unable to keep from thinking of how Pony had suffered through nightmares after their parents' deaths. "Sorry if I scared you, Pony. And thanks for staying with me too."

Pony, also thinking of his own experience asked a question. "So do you remember your dream?"

Soda didn't look at either of his brothers, speaking what he wished was the truth. "No. Not really."

Darry tried another pair of questions, hoping to guide Soda into opening up. "Do you know what it was about at all? Or why you were so scared?"

Soda's breath caught, as he recalled the vividness of the dream, the real-life quality of the images that had shaken him terribly. "I- I don't want to talk about it right now. You already know anyway. So don't act like you don't. Please."

Darry sighed, acknowledging the truth of Soda's statement. "Yeah. You never had nightmares before, so it's not hard to figure out."

Soda, aware of both his want to end this conversation and the time, hurried his brothers along, as he gave them a smile. "You guys should go finish getting ready. I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I'll be all right."

* * *

"Hey, Steve-O, think fast."

Steve caught the football TwoBit had thrown his way. "Hey, man, don't you have a class to get to?"

TwoBit took a sip of water from the drinking fountain, before going to stand beside Steve. "Just English. And I don't use that anyway. Hey, I was going to ask you. Is Soda doing all right?"

"You've seen him. Why do you ask?"

"I ain't sure how to explain it, but he just doesn't look right lately."

"He did just get shot, man. That's not easy to get over or live with right after."

"I know. I just never thought I'd see Sodapop Curtis smile and think it wasn't real."

* * *

"Damn it. They hurt today."

Soda stood in front of his dresser, as he struggled with the buttons on a red and white plaid shirt, the fingers of his right hand tingly and pained.

His movements uncoordinated, he slid the top three buttons through their matching holes. Before he could focus in on the fourth, Soda paused and looked at himself in the mirror that reflected his own image. "God, I'm sorry if I haven't been praying enough. But please help me. Cause I can't do this all by myself."

* * *

"Long day, Son?"

Steve took his DX cap off his head, tossing both it and his car keys on the counter. "Yeah. You could say that. Kind of busy, I guess, too."

Nicholas spread the barbecue sauce over the chicken he'd baked. "Want to eat with me, before I go meet Audrey?"

"I thought she was coming over here tomorrow night."

"She is. But we decided to spent a little time together tonight too."

"Oh. Um, yeah. I'll eat with you. Are you going to be real late?"

"I don't think so. We both do have to go to work in the morning."

"Okay. Uh, I was going to go hang out with Sodapop anyway, but maybe I'll stay over there a little longer." Steve stared a his dad for a moment, watching him fix plates for the two of them. "Um, I need to take a quick shower. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"All right, Son. I'll still be right here."

* * *

"Get off my back, Darry! I told you I don't want to talk about it. What part of that don't you understand?"

"I do understand that, Sodapop! But I'm telling you it won't help if you keep everything inside like this. You're only hurting yourself more!"

Steve stood on the Curtis' front porch, hearing Soda and Darry's raised voices loud and clear.

"No! You're hurting me by yelling at me and trying to make me talk when I can't."

"You keep saying you're fine and nothing is bothering you, yet you're up at night screaming. And if I mention anything about the shooting, you look like you're going to cry. If you won't talk, what else can I do to help? Damn it, Sodapop. I don't know how to help you with this! Please tell me!"

Steve drew in a breath, slowly letting it out, as he opened the front door.

"You want to know how to help? Leave me the hell alone!"

Steve heard the sound of a door slamming, before he came face to face with Darry. "Hey. Um, I-"

Darry pushed past Steve, his feet quick, as he paced back and forth across the porch. "Soda went to his room, Steve."

Steve started to go inside, but then paused, looking back at Darry. "He just needs some time, Superman. He'll talk to you when he's ready, but don't push him too hard."

"I'm not trying to push him. I'm really not. I don't mean to yell at him either. I know he doesn't need that. But I'm so worried, and it just drives me crazy to not be able to help him."

"Darry, you are helping. Just by being here, man."

"But that's not enough, Steve. It's not enough at all. I know my brother's hurting. I know he is, but I can't fix it."

* * *

"If you just came to yell at me some more-"

Steve interrupted Soda's thought. "It's me, man. Darry's still outside."

Soda stepped away from his window, sitting down on the bed. "He needs to back off. If I don't want to talk about any of this, I don't have to."

"Cut him some slack. You know he wants to help."

"I hate being yelled at, Stevie. I mean, I know I was yelling too. But I still hate it. Even more than I did before."

Steve sat down beside Soda. "Yeah. I definitely heard both of you. What started that?"

"He just finished changing out my bandage for me again. And when I still wouldn't look or anything, he asked what I was thinking about. I told him nothing."

"And he didn't take that as an answer, did he?"

"Nope."

"Let me ask you something, buddy."

Soda shook his head, as he turned his back to Steve. He picked up the pillow, hugging it to his chest.

Steve watched as Soda hid his face in the pillow, expecting tears to start any moment. He put his hands on his best friend's shoulders, believing he recognized the tremble in his body. "It's all right, man. All I was going to ask is why don't you just admit to Darry that things are bothering you? Even if you don't say any more than that. He already knows, and you kind of admitted it to me."

"I don't know. It's like I think if I do that, it's real. And I don't want it to be real."

Steve saw Soda's head turn, a glimpse of his face letting him know his eyes were free of tears. Even so, he scooted closer to him and draped an arm around him. "Sodapop, it's still real, even if you decide not to deal with it. I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I heard what Darry said to you, and he's right."

"About what?"

"Keeping everything inside hurting you more. I sort of told you the same thing already when I said it won't get better if you don't let it out. And I know you've said that to me too. More than once."

"It's not the same thing."

"Playing that card again, huh?"

Soda lifted his head off the pillow, turning to face Steve. "Cause it's true. It's not the same. No one abused me."

"No. But someone did come into a place, where you thought you were safe and-"

Soda flinched, burying his face back into the pillow he still held. "Don't. Don't say it."

Steve didn't finish his statement, but steeled himself for Soda's reaction in the face of honesty. He moved to where he was in front of his best friend, placing his hands on each of his shoulders. "Listen to me for a minute, buddy. You're right that we didn't go through the same thing at all, but I think you're using that to convince yourself that you don't need to talk about it or deal with it. Because you know what I've told you and what Darry told you is true, you're telling yourself what happened to you is different, so maybe shoving it down will work if you do it long enough."

"But it is different. So maybe I don't have to. Maybe it'll go away."

"Of course it's different, man. But from what I've seen so far, the ways our emotions and our minds deal..." Steve saw Soda's eyes looking back at him, their rapid blinking and the familiar shake of his body telling him his friend was trying hard not to cry. He pulled him closer, gently rubbing his back, both the sight before him and the knowledge of how Soda was suffering making a tear fall down his own face. "Well, that's a hell of a lot alike."

* * *

"Yeah, the door was unlocked, so I knew I couldn't be completely alone. But I prayed anyway. I knew God heard me, and I guess I didn't care if someone else did."

Audrey listened to Nicholas talk about the time he'd gone in the church to pray and found, not only an altar, but also her brother. "And Samuel's not ever been shy. So I'm not surprised he started talking to you."

Nicholas ran his first conversation with Samuel over in his head, convinced he'd never forget it. "I remember thinking he was wise to say what he did to me about my son. He didn't know really anything about why I was praying. Just that I was hurting. That Steve was hurting, and I wanted to help him."

"He's good at connecting with people, and he seems to really love you guys."

"We love him too. He's an amazing friend."

"If you don't mind me asking, what was it exactly that made you go in the church to pray that day when it had been so long?"

"I told you that me and Steve weren't always so close."

"Yes. You did."

"I was praying that day because he got really hurt when he was a kid. I didn't know about it at first. As soon as I found out, I put a stop to it. But he still suffered years later because of it."

"You put a stop to it? Do you mean someone did something to hurt him?"

"Yes. Someone I never should've trusted. It took me a long time to even start forgiving myself for that."

"How is Steve doing now then?"

"Much better. He went through the worst of it all not long before you moved here. He and I are also much better with each other now than the day I met Samuel in the church. The relationship we have has helped me to deal with what happened and forgive myself more than anything else has. I'd be lost without it."

* * *

"Darry? I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to make you mad at me or anything."

Darry felt his heart clench at Soda's words. "I'm not mad at you, little buddy. I'm sorry too, and I'm going to back off, okay?"

Soda went to his big brother, arms wrapping around him, as he made his simple admission. "But you're right, Darry. It is bothering me." He felt Darry hug him back and held on tighter, his voice barely a whisper. "It's bothering me a lot."


	7. Chapter 7

Life drew its paths, the once parallel lines circling around until all the tracks converged, the meticulous hands of time bonding each of their souls together.

* * *

"I wasn't really waiting for you, Dad. I'm just still up."

Nicholas pulled the shoes off his feet, as he joined Steve on the couch. "Okay. I'm later than I planned to be though. Audrey and I got to talking, and time got away from us a little bit."

Steve pulled at a loose thread on the quilt that covered his lap, the Bible verse his mom had embroidered into it staring up at him. "Oh. You two must have a lot to talk about."

"Yeah. I guess we do. Still just trying to get to know each other. Did you go hang out with Sodapop for a while?"

"Yeah. A lot of talking going on over there too. Soda is kind of scaring me, Dad."

"How so?"

"He's been so hell bent on saying he's fine, but at the same time, he was telling me he doesn't want what happened to him to be real. He really thinks it could all go away if he keeps it inside long enough."

"Or maybe he just wishes that could be true, Son."

"Him and Darry were kind of fighting when I got over there because Darry's wanting Soda to talk, and he won't. I'm hoping he at least did admit to Darry that it is bothering him. I told him he should, even if he doesn't say anything else."

"Did you tell Darry about how you think Soda had a flashback?"

"Yeah. I did that day. Soda and me have kind of talked about it too. He told me it happened again. It's been weird because we talk about this stuff, but we really don't. It's like we're talking around it because that's all Soda can handle right now."

* * *

The image wrapped itself around Soda, the subconscious picture twisting into a tight hold to suffocate him. He sucked in a breath, as if just breaking the surface after being trapped under water. He bolted upright, eyes opening to assure himself it had only been a dream.

Yet, it's not, he thought. It's a memory. It really happened. I'm not a kid just dreaming about monsters under my bed or in my closet.

No, Soda thought. I'm having nightmares that make me relive the truth. I'm dreaming about the scariest night of my life.

* * *

"Give him some time, Kid. You know what nightmares are like."

Pony sat in the passenger seat of Steve's car, the Ford heading in the direction of the school. "I do. That's why I stayed there with him. I wanted to last night too. You know, just in case. But I wasn't sure if he'd let me when he's so set on denying it."

Steve braked at a traffic light, coming to a stop just as it turned red. "Yeah. I heard Darry say something to him about screaming at night. I didn't mention it to Soda though. It's not like it's surprising he'd have nightmares."

"Do you still have them?"

Steve pressed on the gas pedal when the light turned green, passing through the intersection. "Sometimes."

"I almost told Soda to try what the doctor told me to do when I had them, but then, I didn't."

"Why not?"

"Cause he said I should stay busy, then I'd be too tired to dream. But I thought it might be different, since my dreams weren't of something that happened to me."

"Soda tried to help me stay busy once not long after mine first started. He got me to play football and stuff to burn some energy. Cause he was thinking of how it helped you."

"Did it help with your nightmares?"

"Not really, Kid. I guess for the same reason you just said. It's different when it's not just cause your imagination is working overtime."

Pony stared out the window, as the school came into view. "Your dreams were about something that happened to you?"

"Yeah, Kid. They were. Still are, when I have them."

"Oh."

Steve drove into the school's parking lot, going toward a space. "But, sometimes, my imagination twists it all around too. So maybe it's not totally different."

Pony saw the wheels of the Ford start to roll in between two painted white lines. "I asked Soda if he remembered the dreams, and he said not really. I didn't believe him though."

Steve shifted into park, before pulled the key from the ignition. "He probably just doesn't want to remember, Ponyboy. It's amazing how real a damn dream can be."

Pony reached for his backpack, as he opened the passenger door. "Thanks for the ride. And the talk. It's just- I know Sodapop means a lot to you too."

"Don't even mention it, Kid. I get it. Just hang on, all right? Soda has all of us, and we'll get him through this." I'll do anything, Steve thought. I won't let him down again.

* * *

Weakness overcame Soda's right arm, the feeling quickly moving to his hand and making him lose his grip on the mug. It slipped from his fingers, dropping to the table, glass hitting the hard surface. Hot chocolate spilled, covering the finished wood.

Soda sat still, as the warm liquid spread, then dripped its way from the edge of the table to the floor. It soaked into the light-colored carpet, forming a stain that may never be scrubbed away, a mark that would forever remain.

* * *

Grass was crushed under Steve's feet, the blades pressed to the ground beneath the ridged soles of his shoes. He held a tray filled with the mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and slice of possible meat that passed as school lunch.

Steve took a seat underneath the branches of a tree, his back against the rough trunk, as his eyes moved from the view of the school up to the clear sky. The bright, cloudless blue displayed no sign of the far-reaching trauma, its reflective ripples stretching from Earth to the cratered surface of the Moon and back again, the endless echoes transcending the limits of time.

* * *

The snow of static filled the television screen, obscuring the once clearer view of "Let's Make a Deal," the sounds of trading and hidden choices flickering along with the picture.

Soda reached to adjust the cable that linked the set to the antenna, his right hand not getting enough of a grip to remedy the signal. He switched to using his left hand and turned the connector, making it secure.

The snowy dots on the screen dissipated, leaving the display much clearer and no longer eclipsed by the layer of static, the picture restored.

* * *

A knock on the door drew Samuel's attention, as he glanced through the bags of baby items that Vivian had left collected in the living room.

After a quick look out the window, he opened the door to let Steve inside. "Hey. Come on in. What brings you here?"

Steve stepped into the house, finding that not even the simplest greeting would come from his lips.

Samuel closed the door, Steve's silence unexpected, though not at all shocking. "Steve?"

Steve looked directly at Samuel, making their gazes lock. "Can we talk? I feel like I need to and-"

"You don't have to explain. Just come and sit down."

Steve followed Samuel to the living room, taking a seat on the couch.

Samuel sat down beside Steve, noticing he was once again lapsing into silence. "What did you want to talk about? Your dad told me what happened with Sodapop. I went to see him a couple days ago."

Steve felt his breaths quicken, finding he couldn't get enough air or steady his thoughts to put them into words that would make sense.

Samuel put an arm around Steve's shoulders, even as he was unsure how to calm him. "Hey. You're okay."

Steve slowly breathed in, the air reaching his lungs. A few seconds went by, before he let the breath out, beginning to relax, despite what he knew he wanted to say. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"About what?"

"Soda. I want to help him, but I can't. I can't fix this for him. I can't go back to that night and-"

"Woah. Slow down and back up a little bit, Steve. What is it exactly you want to fix?"

"My best friend is hurting because he got shot. Hurting so bad, he can't talk about it. He has memories bothering him, like mine bother me, and I can't make them go away."

"But you can help him through it. You're the best one to do that."

"Did he say anything to you about it?"

"No. He actually didn't say a lot at all. But I told him I'm here if he needs anything, and he said he wasn't sure what he needs right now. I can understand the feeling after something like that happens."

"I had just left the DX that night, and I hate that I wasn't there with him, that I couldn't stop it from happening. I'd be here for Soda anyway, but that makes me want to be even more. I can't go back in time and change it, as much as I want to, but I swear I'll do anything for him now."

Samuel felt a small smile begin to cross his face, though it wasn't one of amusement. "You two amaze me."

"What do you mean?"

"From talking to Sodapop, I know he'd have done anything to go back to when you were kids and stop you from suffering. Even if it had meant going through the abuse with you. He couldn't change what happened to you, but that sure didn't stop him from walking beside you through everything, even sharing the burden in whatever way he could. Now, I'm listening to you talk so much like he did, and I know you'll do the same thing. You know you can't fix it. You can't go back in time, but this is Sodapop, and you'll still do whatever you can for him to ease that pain."

* * *

"Sodapop, I'm not worried about a stain in the carpet. I'm worried about how it happened."

Soda tried to backtrack, Darry's words making him want to sugarcoat the truth. "It was no big deal. The mug, it really, uh, just slipped."

Darry sighed, knowing what his brother was trying to do. "That's not what you said a minute ago. Please be honest with me, little buddy."

"It was like I couldn't hold onto it anymore, Dar. I don't want it to be true. But my grip got so weak, I just let it go."

* * *

The smell of lasagna drifted into Steve's nostrils. "Hey, that smells good, Dad."

Nicholas opened the oven, peeking at the baking layers of sauce-covered pasta, beef, and cheese. "I hope so, Son. I haven't made one in a while."

"I don't think you've ever cooked anything that's not good. Audrey will like it. Will she be here soon?"

"Yeah. In about half an hour."

Steve eyed his dad, noticing the work clothes he still had on and his disheveled appearance. "Go change, Dad. I'll keep an eye on the lasagna."

Nicholas looked down at himself. "Are you saying I don't look good?"

"Yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying."

Nicholas chuckled. "All right. I'll go change and clean myself up."

"Put on some of that cologne too. But maybe not as much as you did last Friday night."

"Hey, I didn't scare her off!"

"Which tells you how much she must like you."

"You're just jealous because I smelled better than you."

"Yeah. That's it, Dad. Cause I really want to smell like I took a bath in a tub full of cologne."

Nicholas rolled his eyes, smiling, as he gave Steve a playful shove. "All right. If we're done here, I'm going to go get ready."

"Oh, we won't be done til I've messed with you guys so much, you decide to throw me out."

"Which I'm sure will be okay with you, as long as I let you eat first?"

"Yep. After I have some of that lasagna, you can toss me into the backyard. No hard feelings."

Nicholas shook his head and started to go toward his bedroom, but before he could even take a second step, he turned back to Steve and drew him closer to kiss the side of his head.

Steve smiled, as he looked at Nicholas. "Save it for Audrey, Dad."

"You really can't stop, can you?"

"Nope. I sure can't."

* * *

"I will tell him, Darry. I wasn't planning to keep any of this from Dr. Simons."

Darry started to reply to Soda's words, not thinking it through at first. "Well, it seems like that's what you've been doing with everything else, little buddy. So I want to make sure-"

Soda interrupted what Darry was saying, as he stared at him. "Don't. Okay? I told you it's all bothering me. That's just the most I can do right now, and you said you'd back off."

"Okay. You're right. I did say that. I won't push you, I promise. Can you do something for me though?"

"I can try."

"What do you need right now? You know me, Sodapop. I can't sit and watch and just do nothing."

"You're not just doing nothing, Darry. You've been changing this bandage for me everyday. You're working when I can't. You were there too when I was dreaming. And I know I'm not myself, so I've been a pain to deal with. I'm sorry for that."

"It's okay, Pepsi Cola. I know you're having a hard time."

"I really have heard everything you've said to me too. You're not wrong about any of it."

"But what else can I say or do?" Darry touched Soda's right arm, his hand on the edge of the bandage. "I've been doing what I can to help you with this." He paused for a second, before putting the same hand on his brother's chest, where he could feel his heart beating. "But I want to help you with what's going on in here too."

* * *

"I can go get lost if you want me to, Audrey. I know you and my dad want to kiss."

"Steve!"

Audrey laughed at both Steve's comment and Nicholas' response, her eyes beginning to water. "That's all right. I can wait. We'll have plenty of time to kiss later."

* * *

Soda was still for a few moments, absorbing the warm sincerity of Darry's words. "I know you do. But I'm not sure how either. I'm not sure about anything."

Darry rubbed Soda's shoulder, able to sense the pondering going on within him. "I won't make you talk about anything if you don't want to yet, or if you can't, but is it okay if I tell you about me?"

* * *

"I did not do that, Dad!"

Nicholas laughed at his son's expense, Steve's protests only adding to his amusement. "You did, Son! You weren't watching where you were going, and you fell right into that mud puddle."

Audrey smiled at the father and son, their stories and bond making her heart glow. "So, Steve, your dad talks about you all the time."

Steve took a bite of his lasagna. "Yeah, I think I'm his favorite subject. But he's been talking about you a lot too. And when he does, he gets this look on his face-"

Nicholas raised his eyebrows, loudly clearing his throat. "Are you finished eating, Son?"

Steve took the last bite of lasagna, then stood up to put his plate in the sink. "All right. I'm going, Dad. I'll be at Soda's."

Audrey turned to look at Steve. "How's Sodapop doing now anyway?"

Steve came back to the table, taking a swallow of water. "Um, he's doing all right, I guess. Not easy for him, obviously. But he's not alone, and his arm is healing up okay." He turned to Nicholas. "I'll see you later tonight."

Nicholas reached to cover the pan of lasagna with the tin foil. "Okay, Son."

Steve made his way to the door, pausing just after he opened it. He looked back at Nicholas, then at Audrey. "I'm glad I stayed. And if my dad doesn't say it, I think he's falling in love with you."

Nicholas' eyes widened, a blush blooming on his face. The door closed behind his son, before he could get any more words to come out of his mouth.

Audrey couldn't help but laugh, as she leaned over and kissed Nicholas' cheek that was still red from embarrassment. "From the way you look right now, I'm going to guess he's telling the truth."

* * *

"I won't ever forget it, little buddy. Nothing could've prepared me to see you like that."

Soda listened to Darry, having agreed to hear what he had to say about the night of the shooting. He blinked against the images that were rising up. "I remember you coming in and everything right after that, but a lot of it is fuzzy."

Darry nodded, his own memories bringing back the feelings from that night only a week ago. "You talked to me a little bit, but you were in shock. Then, you passed out right before the ambulance came."

"You rode to the hospital with me, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I did. I couldn't stand the thought of being away from you when you were hurt."

Soda remembered the blood, how there had been so much of it, how it had soaked Darry's jacket. He remembered the pain and the fear, the thoughts making his stomach begin to turn, as his mind again traveled back to the moments just before the masked man had pulled the trigger.

Darry saw Soda hide his face in his arms, as he curled up into a ball, his body shaking from terror that was visible only to him. He put a hand on the back of his brother's head. "It's okay, little buddy."

Soda closed his eyes tightly, hearing the sound of the robber cocking the gun. "No. No. Please don't."

Darry wrapped an arm around Soda. "I'm so sorry, Sodapop. I won't talk about it anymore. I want to help, not hurt you more." He laid his head against his brother's shoulder, able to feel the fear that radiated from him. "I would never hurt you."

* * *

"It's not your fault, Darry. If it's going to happen, it will no matter what you say."

Darry tried to take Steve's words to heart, but blame seemed to lie right at his feet. "He just looked so terrified, and I wanted to take back everything I told him. I guess I thought it could help him talk if I did first."

Steve's mind drifted back to what Soda had said to him a couple of days earlier. "He told me that it happened again already."

"He talks to you about this?"

"Not exactly. But since I saw how he was after the cop came over here, he seems to know that I figured out what was happening. He won't admit anything to me either."

"He's going to have to, right? He can't deal with this by himself. Did he say when it happened?"

"Kind of. First, he said being back at the DX was hard. A few minutes later, he told me that what happened after he talked to the cop happened again. So I'm thinking it was when he was there at the station."

"That's why he kept telling me nothing happened at the DX when I asked how it was being back there again."

"He'll come around, Darry. He has to, or it'll only get harder." Steve reached in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it up, then handed Darry some cash.

"Steve, you already-"

"I remember, Superman. But we got paid yesterday. I'm going to give you guys something every time. I got Soda's check for him too, but it obviously wasn't his usual amount."

Darry took the money from Steve's hand. "Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate it."

"Don't even worry about it. My dad and me, well, we do all right. Besides, I know Soda's healing up okay, but if he's having flashbacks, when he can go back to work is going to depend on a lot more than that."

* * *

"It's nothing. It's not even that bad anyway."

Steve squeezed Soda's shoulder, both in support and in response to the frustration he felt bubbling up within himself. "Don't tell me that, Soda. Me and you both know it's bullshit. It's one thing not to be ready to talk about something. It's another to try being so deep in denial, you can't pull your head out of your ass."

Soda pulled away from Steve's hand, pain brewing inside him. "If you don't want to hear it, then don't bother talking to me!"

"I'm just trying to tell you the truth, buddy. I'm tired of tiptoeing around it."

Soda's head hung, eyes boring into the floor where he sat. His emotions tried to break the surface, as words of hopelessness slipped from his lips. "I wish he'd have just killed me."

Steve's heart constricted, his chest becoming tight, as he grabbed the front of Soda's shirt, tugging him closer. He bunched the material in his fists, almost shaking his best friend. "Don't you ever, _ever _say that again, Sodapop. Do you hear me?"

Soda stared at Steve's face that was mere inches from his own. He felt tears fill his eyes, as they did so often, though he'd yet to allow a single one to fall. "But it hurts, and you wanted me to tell the truth."

Steve's grip on Soda loosened, but he didn't release him. "I do. But it's scary as hell to hear you say something like that, man. Damn. Losing you would destroy me and both your brothers."

"I'm sorry, Stevie. I didn't really mean it. Like I said, it hurts, and that thought came into my head, so I said it."

Steve let go of Soda, as he took a deep, steadying breath, knowing he couldn't erase what he'd heard from his mind. "Okay. So if you're wanting to be honest, tell me what's been happening to you."

"You know what's been happening."

"I do. But you need to say it." Steve strived to keep his voice gentle, as he spoke the harsh words of truth. "You're not going to sit here and tell me nothing is wrong or you're fine, then say something like what you just did. I won't drop it, Sodapop. You can fuckin' forget that idea this time."

Soda tried to push the tears that had formed back, but one slipped out. It went down his cheek, the moisture nearly a foreign sensation to him. "I think it's what happened to you. Cause it feels like what you would tell me. Like I'm back there again. And it feels so real."

Steve, believing he himself needed the comfort as much as Soda did, pulled him into a hug, using a low voice to speak directly into his ear. "They're flashbacks, aren't they?"

Soda, his head on Steve's shoulder, gripped the sleeve of his best friend's shirt, a second tear falling onto it.

"I won't make you go any further right now, buddy. I swear I won't."

Soda's eyes closed, yet another tear seeping out, as the control he'd been determined to hang onto began to slip from his grasp. "Yeah. They are." He held back the rest of the tears, swallowing down the feelings that surrounded the confirmation. "They're flashbacks."

* * *

"I never said I don't want the baby, honey. I do."

Vivian felt Samuel's hands grip hers, the words soothing, though she could see such apprehension in her husband. "So what's going on then? Why won't you help me get ready?"

Samuel's thumbs rubbed circles on his wife's skin. "I will. I promise. But please know I do want this child. I want this child more than anything."

* * *

"Please help him through this, God. And help me know what I can say and what I can do to be here for him. I can't take the pain or the memories away, but I'm right here with him, just like he always is for me."

Soda felt Steve squeeze him one last time, unaware of how his best friend's lips had been moving in silent prayer. He lifted his head up, pulling away from the embrace. "I shouldn't have said what I did before. Please believe me that I really didn't mean it."

Steve hadn't forgotten the words he'd hoped Soda would never repeat, words he prayed weren't a symptom of anything deeper. "I do believe you. And I guess I can't blame you for thinking something like that, not after I- Not after what I went through. But, Sodapop, I can't just let it go, buddy. I won't."

"What do you mean? I said I'm sorry, and I really won't say it anymore."

"But it's not about being sorry, man." Steve reached for one of Soda's hands, holding it in both of his own, as he decided to forge ahead, realizing it was the only way he could reassure himself. "You just told me you wish you would've died, and that means I need to make damn sure of something right now. I have to be sure you know."

"But I don't really wish that. You have to be sure I know what?"

Steve thought of how Soda had willingly gone into the darkest places with him to help him stay safe, this knowledge making him finish opening the door. "I'm not saying I believe you would, or that you've even thought about it. But if you ever do think about hurting yourself-"

"No! That's not what's happening, Steve. I swear."

Steve strengthened his hold on Soda's hand. "Just listen to me for a minute, buddy. I need you to promise me that _if_ you do think about it, or if you ever feel like you might hurt yourself cause of what's happening, you'll tell somebody about it. Even if not me, talk to Darry, to Samuel, or to my dad. Anybody."

"I promise, Stevie. But please don't worry. I swear I'm not feeling like that. I'm not thinking about trying to kill myself. It hasn't been in my head at all."

"All right. But I need you to hear one more thing too. If it ever is, if you ever do feel like that, don't think, even for a second, that you can't tell me about it just because of how I've felt and what I did. Cause you still can, buddy. You always can."

* * *

"I lost my little boy too, Samuel. You're not alone in this, sweetheart."

Samuel felt his mind travel back in time to the moments surrounding Matthew's death, as he responded to Vivan's words that united them in shared grief. "But you weren't there. You didn't let him down. He was always safe with you."

* * *

"Hey, Son, you sure seemed to enjoy yourself at dinner. But maybe next time-"

Steve moved quickly past Nicholas, rushing into the bathroom.

Nicholas followed Steve, putting his reminiscence of the evening's earlier humor on hold, as his son dropped to his knees beside the toilet. "Son? Are you sick?"

Steve leaned his head on the toilet lid, the urgency of the nausea seeming to abate for the moment. "No. I mean, maybe. But just cause I got upset."

Nicholas drew closer to Steve, the light of the bathroom allowing him a good look at his face. He kneeled beside him, touching a cheek where the wetness of tears was still visible beneath red eyes. "What happened?"

"I just had a talk with Soda that I never thought we would need to have."

* * *

"You were a great dad to Matthew, Samuel. He loved you so much. This child will too."

Samuel felt Vivian's words land in the most tender place of his heart. "That's what I'm afraid of."

* * *

The stars in the sky blinked at Soda, a sliver of Moon visible, as he laid his head back against the porch swing. "I'm sorry, God. I was really trying to be honest this time. I don't mean to keep lying."

A/N: Just to acknowledge something that could seem confusing if you've read my other stories, "Lost in Consolation" or "Found in the Moment," this exists in a separate universe from those. Clara and Steve's abuse didn't happen within those stories and Soda's self-injury did not happen within this series.


	8. Chapter 8

The words echoed in his mind, their uncertain origin making his heart unable to rest within the sincere, but possibly false, assurances. Doubt crept in, bringing worry along with it, knowing that, regardless of intention, the words hadn't sprung from nothing.

The utterance, even if it had previously only lived deep down and away, had to be a manifestation of pain that carried the potential to grow and flourish within the silence of suffering.

* * *

"What's going on, Steve? Soda's sleeping."

Steve reached for Darry's arm, leading him away from the front door. "Are you sure he's asleep?"

Darry nodded, concern growing within him. "Yeah. I just checked on him. Pony's in there too. I guess he decided to climb in after Soda went to sleep, so he couldn't argue."

Steve dropped down on the porch swing, the words to start eluding him. "I have to talk to you, Darry. Cause I'm afraid of what could happen if I don't. I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but if I'm not..."

Darry sat down beside Steve and rested a hand on his shoulder. "Is this about Soda?"

Steve held his head in his hands, taking a deep breath that did nothing to settle him. "Yeah. I went home earlier, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I got him to talk a little, but he said something that won't get out of my head."

"Okay. What did he say to you? If you came back here just to talk to me, I know you have a reason."

"Maybe it doesn't mean anything, but I don't know. I just can't see how it couldn't."

"Steve, if you're worried about Soda for any reason, just tell me. Even if it turns out to be nothing, I'd rather know."

"He said he wished he would've just killed him."

Darry's hand dropped from Steve's shoulder, an electric shock of grief striking him just at this thought. "Why would he say that? If he had died-"

Steve saw Darry put a hand over his chest, empathizing with the ache. He touched his older friend's shoulder. "I know. I almost started shaking him when he said it. I wasn't expecting that at all."

"What did you say to him?"

"Not to ever say that cause losing him would destroy all of us. But I couldn't stop there. He said he didn't mean it, but I'm scared to think of how saying something like that, it doesn't come from nowhere, you know?"

"No, I wouldn't think that it could. So if you didn't stop there, what else did you two talk about?"

"I got him to tell me a little about the flashbacks. Not much, but he admitted what's been happening."

"That seems like a step in the right direction."

"Yeah. I think so too. After he said what he did, I told him I wasn't dropping it." Steve stood to his feet, going to lean against the porch railing. "But we talked about more than that because I had to tell him something. Cause if he can say that or even think it..."

Darry went to stand beside Steve, laying a hand on his back. "Does it make you think Soda could hurt himself?"

Steve's eyes filled with tears that he didn't attempt to hide. "It makes me wonder if he's thought of it. So I told him to promise me he'll tell somebody if he ever feel like that, and I made sure he knows he can tell me too. He doesn't have to hide it from me just cause of what I went through."

"So did he promise he would?"

"Yeah. And he told me he isn't thinking that at all. But I don't know. I'm not saying I don't believe him. I just can't help but be afraid he could think about killing himself cause of what he said he wished and because of the flashbacks."

Darry felt tears also rise up in his eyes, as he imagined Soda actually saying those dark, wishful words that could only come from a place of pain. "I know what else you're thinking, Steve. Soda hasn't been totally straight with us about anything, has he?"

"No. He damn sure hasn't. Don't get me wrong, Darry. I don't blame him for it. He's just trying to deal, and it's a lot. A lot that happened too fast."

"And he's terrible at hiding things. He can't even really do it at all. It's Sodapop, and he needs to talk about what's going on with him. The truth always comes out of him somehow, even when he doesn't mean for it to."

Steve's gaze met Darry's, both pairs of eyes shining with unshed tears. "Exactly, Superman. Exactly."

* * *

_The masked man pulled the trigger, releasing the bullet into the air._

Soda whimpered in his sleep, moving beneath the covers.

_The bullet tore into his flesh._

Soda shook, though his eyes remained closed tight.

_Blood poured from the wound._

Soda felt a head on his shoulder, as he tossed and turned.

_Darry's voice spoke. His jacket covered the bullet hole, soaking up the blood._

Soda opened his eyes and saw Pony beside him. He lifted his right arm, seeing only the bandage that covered it, no sign of the blood. He tucked his head against his little brother's, eyes searching the room. Go back to sleep, he told himself. You're fine.

Soda's gaze landed on the window, his memories concocting a vision. He tossed his arm over Pony, clutching the blanket over them, as the black mask danced along the glass, its only backdrop the mysterious dark of night.

* * *

"Thank you for telling me about this, Steve."

Steve, not even wanting Darry's gratitude, lifted a hand to wipe his eyes. "You don't have to say that, Darry. It's Soda. What else would I do? It worries me so bad, I was almost sick."

Darry drew Steve into a hug, surprised when the younger man melted into it. "I'm going to talk to him too. Just to see what all's going on in his head and to make sure he knows he can share anything he feels." Darry looked through the front window, the view of the house's inside lit up only by the porch light. "No matter what it is."

* * *

"Damn, it's bright outside."

Nicholas watched Steve stumble into the kitchen, eyes squinting at the sun that was shining through the window. "Yeah. The sun gets like that in the mornings."

Steve huffed out a breath, rolling his eyes. "Why are you such a smartass?"

"Have you met my son? I learned from him."

"I'm really not in the mood, Dad."

"All right, Son. I'll save it for later. So did you end up sleeping okay after you talked to Darry?"

"Not too bad, I guess. I still keep thinking about it. I mean, even just hearing Soda say what he did about the flashbacks, that was hard cause I get it, and I wish he didn't have to know what those are like. But the rest of it... I'm not even sure what to do with that."

* * *

"I knew you were there, Pone. I saw you when I woke up once."

Pony picked up a slice of bacon, placing it on his plate, as he replied to Soda. "Was that okay with you?"

Soda poured maple syrup over his eggs and bacon. "Yeah. It was more than okay. You didn't have to, but I'm glad you were there with me."

"Did you have anymore nightmares? I never heard anything."

Soda blinked, as he recalled the dream that had awakened him and the image of the mask. "Um, yeah. But it wasn't as bad. I just went right back to sleep."

* * *

The basketball bounced on the pavement, before Steve lifted it into the air, his hands sending it straight into the hoop.

Soda saw the ball drop to the ground, before going to retrieve it. He kept his right arm at his side, making use of his left hand to dribble, though he found it took more effort.

Steve nodded toward Soda's injured arm. "How's it feeling today?"

"Just kind of sore, but I don't think I should do too much with it, you know? Dr. Simons told me to be careful, and I don't want to make anything worse."

"How are the other symptoms?"

Soda held the ball, moving it from one hand to the other. "They sort of come and go. I, um, have a hard time holding onto stuff sometimes. I dropped a mug of hot chocolate yesterday."

Steve caught the ball after Soda bounced it to him. "I'm sorry, man. Is it because your hand hurts?"

"It just felt weak then. But sometimes, my fingers hurt, so it's hard to do certain things when it shouldn't be."

Steve walked over to the nearest bench, sitting down on it, as he turned the basketball over in his hands. "Um, Soda, I wasn't going to tell you this. But I feel like I'm not being honest with you if I don't, and I don't like that at all."

Soda made his way over to the bench, taking a seat beside Steve. "What are you talking about?"

"Last night I went back over to your house, and I talked to Darry."

"But why?"

"Cause of what you said to me, buddy."

"But I told you it just slipped out, and I didn't mean it. I didn't want Darry to know about that."

"I'm sorry, Sodapop. I had to."

"What did he say?"

"That's he's going to talk to you. That's all." Steve laid a hand on Soda's back, as he watched the changing expressions on his face. "He's not upset with you or anything, man."

"You didn't have to do that, Steve. I told you I'm not thinking about killing myself. I just said something I didn't mean. It's not a big deal."

"You've been saying that about everything."

"So? Are you saying you don't believe me?"

Steve looked at Soda's eyes, the pain in them and the disappointment in his voice almost making him backtrack. "I'm saying you haven't exactly been telling the truth about things lately, buddy."

"You're one to talk about that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You didn't always tell the truth either. When you first started feeling bad cause of what you went through, you weren't totally honest about it."

"And that didn't help me, did it?"

"For years, I didn't even know you'd been abused cause you didn't tell me."

"Soda, that's different. You know it's different."

"You keep telling me I need to talk about what happened to me too. But I don't want to think about it. I don't want to remember it." Soda's chest heaved with deep breaths, his voice getting louder with each plea. "If it's different, why can't I bury this and forget about it? You tried, so let me try too!"

"If you're having flashbacks, buddy, you're not going to just forget what happened."

"Because you guys won't let me do it! Not Darry, not Pony. Not even you, Steve. But you should just give me a chance. Maybe the flashbacks will stop, and I won't feel anything anymore."

"Soda, you're forgetting something here. I didn't have a choice but to try to forget what happened to me. As much as I love my dad and forgive him for it, that was the choice he made. And he'll tell you it wasn't the right one. I'm the last person who's going to give you a chance at this because I know how much more it'll hurt if you keep trying to act like it's okay when you know it's not."

"But I'm not you, Stevie. Maybe I'll be fine. I told the cop what happened. I admitted to Darry that it's bothering me. I told you I have the flashbacks. That's all I needed."

"I'm glad you did all of that, man. But it's going to take more. You're not ready. Let me tell you something though. You wouldn't be saying all this to me or trying so damn hard if you didn't believe what I've said and what Darry's said. It'll take some time, but you're going to come around." Steve handed the basketball that was in his lap to Soda. "Here. Let's shoot some more hoops, before I have to go to work."

Soda took the ball, holding it with both hands. "Just so you know, I'm not mad at you for talking to Darry. I tried to be, but I can't."

Steve clapped Soda on the shoulder. "Good. I don't want you to be mad at me. I didn't do it to hurt you."

Soda stood to his feet, the ball in his hands, as he looked up at the goal. "Do you really think I'll come around and not be- I don't know. Like this? It's like I'm hearing you guys, but I can't. I just can't."

Steve nodded, as he also got to his feet. "You mean do I think you'll stop being such a pain in the ass?"

Soda smiled, as he dribbled the ball. "Hey! I am not being a pain in the ass. You are!"

"Nah. You are, and I don't know if you'll stop, but as for coming around" Steve paused, meeting Soda's gaze, as his tone became one of sincerity. "I think you're already getting there."

* * *

Darry's fingers tapped the table in front of him, as he glanced at the newspaper he'd tossed to the side because he couldn't focus on it. He looked up and saw Soda about to hang up the telephone. "Hey, little buddy, was that Penny you were talking to?"

Soda nodded, as his hand left the receiver in its cradle. "Yeah. She wants to do something tonight."

"So are you?"

"I don't know if I really feel like it, but I told her we could."

"You should. Do you know where Pony is?"

"He said he was going to go hang out with his friend, Michael. You know, that's the one we met a couple of months ago."

"Oh, yeah. I remember. Actually, that might be good cause I want to talk to you, and I think it just needs to be the two of us."

"Steve told me he came and talked to you last night, Dar."

Darry touched the chair next to his. "Come sit down with me, little buddy."

Soda did as he was asked, his eyes moving up to Darry, then down to the table. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to say I wished he'd killed me."

"Then, why'd you say it?"

"I don't know. I guess I was frustrated. I was telling Steve some stuff, and he told me it was bullshit, and he just wanted me to tell the truth. I felt upset, and it just came out."

"Upset with Steve?"

"Not really. Just upset with everything. I'm sorry, Dar. I know I shouldn't have talked like that, especially not when you saved me. I'm glad you did. Please don't think I'm not."

"You know you can tell me anything, right, Sodapop? Anything you think or feel? Even if it's hard, I want to hear it."

"I know, Darry. How could I not know that after what you keep telling me about wanting to help?"

Darry leaned closer to Soda, putting a hand on his arm. "I know Steve told you this too, but if you even think about hurting yourself or-"

"You don't even have to say it. I'm not thinking about hurting myself. I guess I can see why you guys could think that, but I'm not." Soda sighed and squeezed Darry's hand that still rested on his arm, as he shifted his gaze away from that of his big brother, his mind wandering to his prayer the night before. "That's not what's happening."

* * *

_"What are you staring at, Dad?"_

_ Nicholas shook his head, moving his gaze away from the auburn haired woman near the front of the church. He turned to Steve, responding to his question. "Nothing. I was just, uh, thinking about what Samuel said up there today."_

_ Steve saw Nicholas' eyes drift back in the direction he'd been staring, and he smiled. "She's Samuel's sister."_

_ "Huh? Who is?"_

_ "The woman you keep staring at. She's Samuel's sister."_

_ "Oh. Uh, I hadn't noticed her. I'm not staring."_

_ "You are too, Dad! Why don't you just go talk to her?"_

* * *

"So I heard your dinner with Audrey and Steve went well."

Nicholas saw the big smile on Samuel's face, able to imagine exactly what his friend knew about the previous evening. "Oh, yeah? Then, you must also know it's a very good thing I love my son dearly."

Samuel chuckled, recalling his earlier conversation with Audrey and what she'd told him about Steve. "He knows it too, or he wouldn't joke around or tease you like that. It really sounds like fun."

"It was. Even if he did embarrass me, which I know he meant to do. I love seeing him like that, so that makes up for it. I'm so relieved he's okay with me dating anyone, he can make fun all he wants."

* * *

"It seems like you've been inside a lot. I'm sure you needed some fresh air."

Soda grinned at Penny, as she laid her head on his shoulder. "Yeah. I probably did. I'm sorry this ain't a real date."

Penny shifted, her eyes looking up at Soda's face. "What do you mean?"

"I just mean I'm sorry I couldn't spend any money cause I don't know when I'm going to be able to go back to work."

"It's okay, Sodapop. I just want to see you and talk to you."

Soda, seeing the setting sun in the sky, leaned in to kiss Penny on the lips. He felt her pull him closer, deepening the kiss, as her hands moved along his back and through his hair, and he forgot the world around him.

* * *

_"Nicholas, I'd like you to meet my sister."_

_ Nicholas found himself stammering in reply to Samuel's words. "Oh. Um, hi." He put his hand out for Audrey to shake. "I'm Nicholas."_

_ Audrey shook Nicholas' hand. "Hi, I'm Audrey. Samuel's told me a lot about you."_

_ Nicholas looked at Samuel, then back at Audrey. "Uh, he has? Like- like what?"_

_ Samuel touched Nicholas' shoulder, easily reassuring his friend. "Nothing bad. Just about you and Steve coming to church, how we talk, and stuff like that."_

_ Nicholas nodded, realizing he'd implied something he hadn't meant. "Oh. Not that there is anything bad to tell, I promise."_

_ Audrey smiled at Nicholas. "I didn't think there was. I'm here visiting Samuel for a little bit. If things work out, I might be moving to Tulsa."_

* * *

"We should hang out like this more often, Dar."

Darry caught the football Pony had tossed to him. "Yeah. We should, Pone."

Pony watched the football fly through the air, backing up to catch it. "You know what happened to Steve, don't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what made him go through the stuff he did, why he tried to kill himself. I was talking to him about Soda's nightmares cause I know he's had them too, and he said he dreams about something that happened to him."

"I do know. Not everything, but I know why he went through so much."

"Was it something really bad? It must be, or somebody would've told me by now."

"Yeah. It's bad, Pone."

"I told Soda once that I didn't want him to tell me why Steve was having such a rough time cause I know Steve trusts him. Soda wouldn't do that to him if he didn't want me to know. I'm still fine with that, but I just wonder sometimes now. Especially with how it affected Soda."

"If you want to know, maybe Steve will tell you. You two seem to be better with each other than you used to be, so you should just ask him."

* * *

Soda pulled away from the kiss, the setting sun still in the sky, as he felt Penny's hands on his chest. "I think we should stop. I have a lot of respect for you, Penny, and I don't want us to go too far."

Penny put her hand on Soda's cheek, as she searched his brown eyes, seeing within them the person he was inside. "Okay, Sodapop. Thank you for that."

"I'm not sure how to explain it. I just think we're good taking things slow, and I don't want to lose that. I want to know you and not get hung up on being physical."

"You're really sweet, you know that?" Penny put her hand over Soda's and laid her head on his chest, cuddling close to him. "I care about you a lot, and I think maybe I could love you."

Soda stroked the back of Penny's head, enjoying the feel of her body so close to his and the sound of her softly spoken words. "I care about you a lot too." But be careful if you start loving me, he thought. Cause I don't want to hurt you.

* * *

_"Darry, what the hell happened? I know there's been a lot of stuff no one wants to tell me, but the way Soda looked just then, I need to know!"_

_ Darry closed Pony's bedroom door, wiping the remaining tears from his own eyes. He approached his youngest brother, guiding him to sit beside him on the bed. "I know that, Ponyboy. I told you I'd tell you what happened, and I meant it."_

_ Pony studied Darry's face, a sadness there he hadn't often seen on his big brother. "What happened to Steve? Why was Soda crying like that?"_

_ "Steve tried to kill himself earlier today."_

_ "What? Why would he do that?"_

_ Darry touched Pony's shoulder. "Steve's been going through a lot, Pone. He's been struggling with thoughts about hurting himself for a while. He's been dealing with it and coping, but he got too overwhelmed."_

_ "So what did he do to himself?"_

_ "He overdosed on some pills. Enough to make himself sick. He called his dad, and he came and took him to the emergency room."_

_ "And you're sure he's going to be okay?"  
_

_"Yes. If Steve had waited too long, he could've done some serious damage, but he got help in time."  
_

_Pony felt a surge of grief, the result of knowing how close their gang, their family, had come to losing someone else. _

_ "You okay, Pone?"  
_

_"No. I'm not. Darry, he's Soda's best friend. And I know Steve and me aren't exactly close, but I don't want to think about him hurting like that. Or about him dying."_

_ "I know. But he's not dying."_

_ "Is Soda okay?"_

_ "Not really. But I'm not expecting him to be. With everything going on with Steve, he was already afraid of something like this happening. It's going to take him a while."_

_ Pony threw his arms around Darry, squeezing him tight. "I'm so glad Steve's okay. I don't want to lose anybody else. Soda couldn't stand it, and I couldn't either."_

_ Darry hugged Pony back, closing his eyes, as he stroked the back of his head. "I know, little brother. I know."_

_"Steve couldn't really have wanted to die, could he?"  
_

_"I don't know, Pone. But I think whatever he was feeling in that moment must have made him believe that's what he wanted."_

* * *

The cash register key slid into the lock on the drawer, Steve's hand turning it to the right to secure the money inside.

He felt a shiver, goosebumps rising on his skin, as he looked around the station, then out the windows that gave him a view of the dark and empty parking lot, the appearance of calm outside now seeming eerie. "If it bothers me, what's it going to be like for Soda?"

* * *

Darry stepped onto the front porch, seeing the glowing ember of a lit cigarette in Soda's hand. He went to stand beside his brother, noticing how his eyes moved from one end of the yard to the other, as if searching the night. "Looking for something, little buddy?"

Soda put the cigarette out, his gaze fixed on the wandering shadows that characterized the late hour. "Nah. I just hate not being able to see in the dark."

* * *

_"You should've seen the look on your face when you were talking to her, Dad."_

_ Nicholas watched the road in front of him, pretending he didn't know the meaning of Steve's comment. "When I was talking to who?"_

_ Steve rolled his eyes from his place in the passenger seat. "Seriously? I'm talking about Audrey, Dad."_

_ "Oh. What kind of look was on my face?"_

_ "I don't know. Like you were just amazed or something, and I could hear you stumbling all over your words."_

_ "I didn't even know you were there."_

_ "Of course you didn't."_

_ "What do you mean by that?"_

_ "I mean you weren't exactly noticing anybody else."_

_ "Hey, I knew Samuel was standing there."_

_ "Because he brought Audrey over to introduce you two. You like her. I can see it."_

_ "I do not!"_

_ "She is pretty."_

_ "Well, yeah, I suppose..."_

_ "You should ask her out, Dad."_

_ "Ask her out? She doesn't even live here."_

_ "She might be though. If she moves here, will you ask her out?"_

_ "I don't- I don't even like her like that. She's Samuel's sister. I- I don't even know her."_

_ Steve smiled at his dad's denial and his stammering speech, the truth clear. "But I think you would like to."_

* * *

"Hey, Son, I meant to tell you Audrey had fun last night."

Steve, head on his pillow, looked toward his dad, who stood in the doorway. "Good. Cause I did too."

Nicholas went into the room, perching on the edge of Steve's bed. "So did I. And I think you're right."

"About what?"

"I do feel like I'm falling in love with her."

* * *

The pages of Steve's Bible turned, stopping in 1 Samuel 18.

Soda was beside him, following along with Pastor David, as he read aloud:

"When he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day, and would not let him return to his father's house. Then, Jonathan made a covenant with David, because Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his girdle."

* * *

_ "Hi, Nicholas, it's good to see you again."_

_ Nicholas stared at Audrey's smile. "It's good to see you too. How are you?"_

_ Audrey picked her Bible up from the pew and stood to her feet. "I'm okay. Actually, I'm going to be moving here to Tulsa in two weeks, so I've been busy."_

_ "Oh, really?"_

_ "Yeah. Samuel's helping me, but it's still a lot to do."_

_ "So are you going to be here at church more often then?"_

_ "I hope to be. I like it here. I like seeing you too."_

* * *

The Queen, Jack, and ten of clubs were put down next to the King of the same suit, before Steve discarded a three of diamonds.

Soda picked up the three and played it along with an Ace and two of diamonds. "I kind of hate to bring this up again, but I think I owe you an apology, man."

Steve drew a card, adding it to his hand. "For what?"

"For what I said to you at the park about how you didn't tell me about the abuse. I shouldn't have brought that up. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it, buddy. It's true. I didn't tell you for a long time."

"Yeah. But I know why, and it really is different from anything else. I hope I didn't hurt you by saying that."

"You didn't, man. I knew where you were coming from. We're good." Steve decided to change the subject, as he put down a nine, ten, and Jack of hearts. "I didn't even get to tell you yet about the dinner with my dad and Audrey."

"I'm sorry. That's my fault for everything else I've been talking about. I didn't even ask you about it that night, and I should have. It's important."

Steve, his mind anywhere but on the game, set his hand of cards down on the floor. "Sodapop, there's nothing for you to be sorry for, man. You can stop beating yourself up."

Soda looked down at the cards in his hand. "Sorry, I-"

"Stop, buddy. You've been through a lot lately. I know how that is and how it can make you feel bad. But give yourself a break, and listen to me tell you how much fun I had teasing my dad Friday night."

* * *

"I'm sorry, Vivian. I'm just having a hard time thinking about these things. We can do the nursery however you want, honey."

Vivian felt her excitement diminish at Samuel's words. She placed a hand on her belly, as she tried to form a response. "But you said you would help me get ready."

Samuel looked at his wife, all the love he had for her evident in his face. "I know. But I'm feeling stuck, and I'm not sure how to get away from that."

* * *

Soda's laughter reverberated through his heart, making him feel lighter than he had in a while. "That's great, man. I bet your dad _did _want to throw you out in the backyard by then!"

Steve laughed along with Soda, the recent memory one he knew he wanted to keep. "Oh, but he'd never do that in front of Audrey! Right as I left to go to your house, I couldn't help myself. I told her I think he's falling in love with her, and my dad got so red, he looked like a damn tomato. It reminded me of when I first told him I knew he liked her."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing! I left before he could say anything. But I think he was too stunned anyway."

"Man, it's a good thing you two are so close now."

"Yeah. Next time Audrey comes over though, he might take me up on my offer to get lost!"

* * *

Vivian picked up the mobile, touching the shiny yellow and green stuffed stars that hung from it. She turned the dial, hearing the buzzing, as the music box was wound up.

The melody of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" began to play, making Vivian remember how she used to sing that to Matthew, while rocking him to sleep. She listened to the soft song, as a prayer came from her heart: "God, I miss him so much, but I can't wait to be a mom again. I can't wait to hold this baby in my arms."

* * *

"Hey, Soda, hurry up in there. I gotta take a piss!"

Soda felt Pony's words pass through him, trying to ignore the shiver in his body. He rinsed the soap from his hands, the warm water moving over his skin.

"Hey, Pony, you finish that math yet? I don't have all night!"

Soda sucked in a breath, as he turned off the water, then dried his hands with a towel. He opened the bathroom door, coming face to face with Pony. "Oh. Sorry, Pone. I didn't, uh, mean to take so long in there."

Pony waved him off, as he went into the bathroom. "Ain't a big deal."

Soda stared at the closed bathroom door for a moment, before he heard the slam of another door, the sound making him jump.

"Hey, Sodapop, I'm going to head home in a minute, but-"

Soda held a hand against his chest, able to feel his heart pounding through his shirt, his eyes closed tight in response to the onslaught of reminders.

"What's going on, little buddy?"

"Hey, Darry, I'm almost done with the math. Soda, what's wrong?"

Soda heard the voices, but couldn't respond, the sounds and images within his memories eclipsing reality.

"Buddy, just breathe for right now. Don't try to say anything yet."

"Sit down, Pepsi Cola. You're okay."

Soda felt himself being guided to the couch, his breathing anything but steady, as the deep voice of his nightmares mingled with those of the present.

"What's wrong with him? He's sweating like crazy."

"Open your eyes and look at me, Sodapop. Everything is okay."

Soda opened his eyes to see the faces of Darry, Pony, and Steve, but he shook his head, as the image of the mask joined them. He whimpered and hid his face, flinching away from the touch when a hand rested on his shoulder.

"He's shaking so much, Darry."

"He's going to be all right, Pone. Just give him a few minutes."

Soda, his breathing calmer, attempted to speak. "Yeah, Pony. I'm okay. I'll be okay." He heard his own reassurances, though they seemed hollow when his memories remained at the forefront, pulling him back in time. "I see it. I don't want to see it."

"Open your eyes again, buddy. Please. Remember what you've helped me do? What Laura said?"

Soda nodded, as he felt the hand on his shoulder again and another on his back. Accepting the touch, needing it, he opened his eyes once more and resisted the urge to close them.

"Tell me what you see, buddy. What's right here? Who's here with you?"

Soda felt a hand take his own and squeezed it, as he let his eyes look around. "You guys are here. No one else."

"That's right, little buddy. You're safe."

"Yeah, Soda. We'd never hurt you. There's nothing to be afraid of."

Soda leaned back against the couch and looked up, then down. "It's the living room. I'm on the couch. I see- I see the TV and the window over there."

"There you go, man. Nothing is happening to you right now. They're just memories."

Soda let his gaze move to see the eyes of his brothers and his best friend, their presence and touches grounding him, even as he felt his world lapsing into the unforgiving grip of a night he couldn't begin to forget.

* * *

"Hey, Steve, hang on a minute!"

Steve stopped beside his car when he heard Pony's voice calling out to him. "What's up, Kid?"

Pony made his way over to Steve. "I've been wanting to ask you something already, but the way you were with Soda in there..."

"He's my best friend. I know how to help him with stuff."

"But what you were saying, it sounded like you knew exactly what to do for him."

"Cause I do, Kid."

"And you said something about how he's helped you."

"Cause he has."

"So what happened, Steve? What did you go through?"

Steve leaned back against his car, then looked directly at Pony. "Nothing that's really anything like what Soda just did but..."

Pony sensed the hesitation in Steve, as he didn't finish the thought. "I'm sorry if I shouldn't have asked."

Steve took in a deep breath, making a decision. "Get in the car, Kid. We're going for a drive."


	9. Chapter 9

The road turned in front of them, the wheels of the Ford circling on the pavement. The yellow lines blended into the blackness, as the path twisted, the speed of time holding no semblance of meaning.

* * *

_"Dad, you really should ask her out."_

_ Nicholas shook his head at Steve's declaration. "I can't, Son."_

_ Steve thought of how his dad had seemed to enjoy talking to Audrey at church, the look on his face that had made him almost glow. "Why not? You like her."_

_ "I haven't dated in years. I haven't dated since-"_

_ A realization came to Steve's mind, knowing where Nicholas' train of thought had been leading. "But that doesn't mean you can't now."  
_

_"I can't do it, Son. Not after- It's just been so long, I don't know if it's a good idea. Besides, I don't think I like her that way."_

_ "Just think about it, Dad. I bet she'd say 'yes.'"_

* * *

"The only one who knew before Soda was my dad. I had never talked about this at all before I told him."

Pony nodded along, hoping he was being encouraging, but also eager to know what the secret had been.

Steve kept his hands on the steering wheel, the motion of the car pushing him forward. "You probably don't remember anything cause Soda and me were only eleven. But do you remember ever hearing the name 'Clara'?"

"Maybe. It sounds kind of familiar, but I don't know why."

"She was my dad's girlfriend, and she lived with us for a while."

"Oh. Okay."

"She, um, she did something to me though, Pony. And she-she shouldn't have."

"What do you mean? What did she do?"

"My dad had no idea it was going on, and I didn't tell anybody. I couldn't."

Pony waited for Steve to explain, as the other boy drove the Ford off the road and into the Dingo's parking lot.

Steve parked the car, having found he couldn't focus on both driving and getting the words to come from his mouth. "She touched me, Kid. A bunch of times. She'd wait until my dad was asleep, then come into my bed with me."

"What? She touched you where?"

Steve stared down at his lap, able to feel Pony's gaze on him, the curiosity in his question genuine. "Don't make me say it, Kid. Please. Just think about it for a minute. You might have your head in the clouds a lot, but you ain't stupid."

"I, um, I think I know what you mean, but it's just really... I never thought anything like that happened to you."

"That's cause it's not something that shows on the outside. Like I said, my dad didn't even know. Not until he caught her."

"He saw her touching you? What did he do?"

"Well, he was pissed, like any parent would be. He told her to get away from me and get the hell out of our house. So she did."

"So... You kept it a secret. Why? Couldn't your dad have stopped her if you told him?"

"It's not that simple, Kid. I mean, I know now that he would have. But it's hard to admit when someone touches you like that. It makes you feel ashamed."

"But she's the one who did something wrong, right? Not you. You were just a kid."

"Yeah. She was wrong. You're right about that. I just wasn't sure then, and she said stuff to confuse me."

"When did you tell Soda?"

"Last summer."

"That's a long time. So even though it happened when you were a kid, it still bothers you a lot?"

"It does. Not as much now since I haven't had it all shoved inside. But me and my dad didn't talk about it either after Clara left. Even though we needed to."

"So why didn't you?"

"That's wasn't so simple either. My dad felt really bad cause of what happened. I didn't always realize that. I mean, it was me she abused, but it hurt him too. He wanted to move on from it, so that's what we tried to do. It kind of worked for a while, or it seemed to anyway."

"So when you overdosed, it was cause of this happening to you?"

"Yeah. Pretty much. Something like this, it doesn't really go away, Kid. The memories started coming back to me, making me have nightmares and relive what she did. That got to where it was happening all the time, and I had so many bad feelings about everything."

"That's what your dreams are about. And that's why you knew how to help Soda earlier. He's reliving the shooting, isn't he?"

"Seems like it, Pony."

"He'll get over it, right? That won't keep happening."

"I think it's going to take some time for it to stop. But I don't know about him really getting over what happened."

"So what did you have to do to get better?"

"I had to talk a lot. Especially to my dad cause things weren't great between us, and we had to get stuff out in the open. I told him everything I didn't when I was a kid. I told Soda a lot too. If it hadn't been for him, I never would've started getting all of this out of me at all."

"Do you think Soda needs to talk about the shooting?"

"Yeah. I do, Kid. As different as that is from what I went through, he still has to face it and let himself feel it."

* * *

_"I don't want to talk about this anymore, Son. I'm not asking Audrey out. I'm not going to date anyone at all."_

_ Steve followed Nicholas into his bedroom, sitting down on the bed, as his dad started to change out of the dress shirt he'd worn to church. "Why, Dad? If you like her-"_

_ Nicholas snapped out a reply, as he undid the last button on his shirt. "Please, Steve. I said I don't like her that way. Can we just drop it?"  
_

_"Are you fighting this idea so hard cause the last person you dated was Clara?"  
_

_Nicholas froze, holding the t-shirt he'd been about to put on in his hands. "No. I just don't think I need- I mean, I don't know if I can-" He gripped the shirt tighter, looking down at it, as he sat down beside Steve. "The last woman I was with abused my son."_

_ "So what does that mean then? That you can't date ever again?"  
_

_Nicholas was silent, as he pulled the t-shirt over his head and slid it on, covering himself._

_ Steve scooted closer to Nicholas and touched his shoulder. "Nothing's going to happen if you ask her out, Dad. Audrey's not Clara."_

* * *

"I'm fine now, Darry. You don't have to check on me."

Darry joined Soda in his bedroom, sitting down at his side. "I'm not sure sure about that, little buddy."

Soda turned the page of the _Car and Driver_ magazine he was looking through. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I think this is happening a lot. They're flashbacks, right? Like Steve first thought when you talked to the cop that day."

"I don't want to talk about this, Dar."

"If it's happening this much, you can't just keep those memories inside your head."

"I'm sorry it's happening so much, okay? I can't help it."

Darry touched the back of Soda's head, stroking his light brown hair, before letting his hand rest on his little brother's back. "I'm not saying it's your fault, Pepsi Cola. Don't be sorry. That's not what you need right now."

Soda didn't look up at Darry, keeping his eyes on the words and photographs in the magazine. "I was so scared that night, Dar. More scared than I've ever been in my life."

Darry chose to stay silent for the moment, letting Soda say whatever words would flow from his mouth.

"And I've been scared a lot, so that's saying something. I guess it's just different when- Nothing is like thinking you're about to die."

Darry kept his hand on Soda's back, rubbing it gently, as he hoped the touch could coax the trapped feelings from his brother's heart.

"And not even just about to die, but be killed. I never want to feel like that again."

"I hope you never have to, little buddy."

"But I feel it whenever- And I hear everything again. I hear that voice, and I see- I see all of it, like it's really right in front of me."

"Earlier, what Steve was saying to you, did that help?"

"Yeah. It did. I think I've already been doing some of what he has anyway cause I'll tell myself I'm okay or it's not happening right now. Or just that it's not real. It helps to know that."

"Steve was telling you to go a step further though and tell us what you _could _see, what _is _real."

"Yeah. That's supposed to help your mind be more in the present or something like that. It helps you focus on what you can see and feel and hear what actually is right there, so you're not so lost in-well, in whatever happened in the past."

"That sounds like a good thing for you to know how to do. Me too."

Soda lifted his head, moving his gaze from the magazine to his big brother. "Darry, I'm trying to be honest. I really am."

"I know that, Sodapop."

Soda laid his head on Darry's shoulder. "I love you. I love all of you guys so much." He closed his eyes, feeling the material of his brother's shirt against his face, Darry's strong presence soothing, despite the fresh memories. "Please don't ever forget that."

* * *

_"It's not just about me, Son. I don't want to hurt you again."_

_ Steve let the front door close behind him, joining Nicholas on the porch swing, as he tried to comprehend his words. "How would you hurt me again, Dad?"_

_ Nicholas leaned forward, his feet flat on the ground to hold the swing still. "By getting into another relationship. What if I date Audrey and- and I don't know. I'm just afraid of hurting you somehow."_

_ Steve put his arm around Nicholas, gripping his shoulder. "I'm okay with you getting into a relationship. If it's what you want. But don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, Dad?"  
_

_"How so?"_

_ "You haven't even asked her on one date yet."_

_ "I know. But if I do, I want to know it'll be okay with you if it becomes more than that."_

_ "Yes! It's okay with me."_

_ "I don't want to ruin what me and you have, Son. Nothing is worth that."_

_ "You won't ruin what we have, Dad. I know you're always here for me, and I know nothing and no one can change that." Steve reached for Nicholas' hand and held it tight. "You know what else? I'm here for you too, and I'm not going to let you decide you can't ask Audrey out because of what happened to me. This is nothing like that. Audrey isn't going to hurt me or you."_

_ Nicholas put his hand over Steve's. "Thank you, Son. I love you so much."_

_ "I love you too. And Dad?"_

_ "Yeah?"_

_ "Ask her out. If you don't, I'm going to do it for you."_

* * *

"It's kind of a weird feeling, but I don't really know why. I mean, so what it's been six months? Does that really mean anything?"

Laura took in Steve's questions, giving him her best answer. "It means whatever you decide."

Steve remembered the day he overdosed, the actions he'd taken seeming to fade into time, even as they also followed him around in the present. "I guess it means I'm still alive six months later to talk about it. I'm still here."

* * *

_"Audrey, this is my best friend, Sodapop?"_

_ After Steve's introduction, Soda offered his hand to Audrey. "Hi. And, yes, it's my real name. I'm as sweet as sodapop."_

_ Steve rolled his eyes, though he smiled at the memory coming to him. "He once said his name came from Heaven cause the idea for it had to be from God."_

_ Audrey shook Soda's hand, as she smiled at the name, appreciative of the creativity. "I like it. Very nice to meet you, Sodapop."_

* * *

"I couldn't believe my ears. Cause it's Soda, and I know he loves life. He loves living."

Laura responded to Steve, recalling how his own experiences had vastly shaped his perspectives. "I think trauma in any form changes how we view our lives. It affects our thought patterns. And if Sodapop is struggling with what happened to him, it makes sense if he says things that seem out of character because he's experiencing physical and emotional pain."

Steve remembered the words he'd spoken here in Laura's office during the first session after his overdose. "It reminds me of when I told you I wished I hadn't survived. I mean, I know it's not exactly the same thing cause nobody else hurt me. I did it to myself. But I wonder if it's the same sort of feeling."

* * *

_"Dad, if you don't do it, I will."_

_ Soda raised an eyebrow at Steve's declaration, as he glanced at Audrey. "I think she's a little old for you, man."_

_ Steve shoved Soda, mock annoyance in his expression. "Hey, you know I love you, buddy, but shut up. I have to get my dad here to ask her on a date."_

_ Nicholas' eyes widened at the volume of Steve's voice. "Not so loud, Son. She's right across the room."_

_ Steve chuckled, as he grabbed Nicholas by the shoulders and pushed him in Audrey's direction. "Hey, Audrey, my dad's got a question for you!"_

_ Audrey turned toward Nicholas, her eyes sparkling, as she smiled at him. "Oh. He does, does he? I've been wondering."_

_ Nicholas started to speak, finding the words flowed easily once he did. "Um, yes. I do. Audrey, would you like to go out with me?"_

_ Audrey met Nicholas' gaze, as she touched his arm. "Of course, Nicholas. I would love to go out with you."_

* * *

Soda's foot slowly released the clutch, as the Chevy began to move in reverse and rolled out of the Curtis' driveway. His grasp on the gear shift was weak, as he shifted the car into first gear. He slowly accelerated, picking up speed, before he pressed on the clutch and attempted to shift into second gear.

Soda felt a pain shimmy through this right hand and into his arm. He let go of the gear shift, as his fingers tingled. "Damn. I should've just walked."

He gripped the gear shift again, this time successfully shifting into second gear, as he released the clutch, only pressing on the accelerator. The car moved through the neighborhood, the residential street leading to a main road.

Soda made a right turn, joining the traffic. The Chevy picked up more speed, and he took his foot off the accelerator, once again pressing on the clutch, as he shifted into third gear. He felt a sharp pain jab his fingers and let go of the gear shift. He released the clutch, choosing to keep only a steady pressure on the gas pedal.

Soda kept both hands on the steering wheel, the Chevy moving at a consistent range of speed. He looked through the glass of the windshield, seeing the flow of the traffic in front of him and the life that characterized the streets of late afternoon.

Soda lifted his gaze to the rearview mirror, the vividness of the sight stirring feelings that were yearning for release. He stared at the reflected images, startled by the crystal-like clarity of what lie behind him.

* * *

_"I told you it's okay with me, Dad. What else do you need? What else can I say?"  
_

_Nicholas looked at Steve, taking in the genuine concern on his son's face. "I told you it's not just about me, but some of it is. What if something goes wrong, and I'm blind to it because-"_

_ Steve put a hand on Nicholas' arm, as he interrupted his question. "Something like what, Dad?"_

_ "I don't know. Just what if I think we really have something, and then it turns out we don't? I don't want to get hurt again either."_

_ "You must really like Audrey to be thinking about stuff like this. You haven't even gone out yet."_

_ "I know. But I can't help it, Son. Maybe I'm getting too far ahead of things, but I feel like I have to. Because I don't know if I can trust myself again."_

* * *

"Hey, what's up, man? I was just about to head over to hang out with you."

Soda stepped inside Steve's house, unsure of how to respond to his best friend's casual greeting. "I, uh, I don't know. I just went for a drive earlier, then decided to walk over here. Cause Darry's still at work, and Pony has track practice. I've just been by myself at home an awful lot lately."

Steve opened the refrigerator, thinking of how Soda had described difficulties with certain tasks, as a result of his injury. "So how was driving? Still okay?"

Soda reached for the Pepsi Steve was handing him, popping it open, as he sat down in a kitchen chair. "Kind of hard, honestly." He looked down at his right hand that rested on the table, eyes moving from it to the bandage that remained on his arm. "I'm not so good at gripping the gear shift, and I was hurting too. I did better than that when I drove home that day after picking up my car."

Steve sat down in the chair across from Soda's, as he popped open his own Pepsi, ignoring the association between today's date and the carbonated drink. "Maybe this is just something that has good days and bad days."

"Yeah. Maybe."

"Sodapop?"

"Yeah?"

"You're going to be all right, man."

Soda looked up at Steve, the certainty in his expression and his voice almost enough to assuage the layers of doubt. "Yeah. I guess."

* * *

_"Dad, what would you have done if I had told you it wasn't okay with me for you to date?"_

_ Nicholas pondered Steve's question, knowing the answer more quickly than he was willing to admit. "Then, I wouldn't."_

_ Steve heard only the simplicity in his dad's answer. "And that would just be it? You wouldn't try to get me to feel better about it?"_

_ "No, that would just be it."_

_ "Why?"  
_

_"Cause you're my son. You've been through a lot. Too much. And I'd never do anything that could hurt our relationship."  
_

_"Well, just so you know, I would've never told you that you couldn't go out with Audrey. Even if I wasn't sure how I feel about you dating again, or if the idea bothered me at all."_

_ ""But why? You can always be honest with me, Son. If it had made you uncomfortable-"_

_ "Because I trust you, Dad. That's why. Even if you don't trust yourself yet. I trust you."_

* * *

"So did Pony tell you he asked me what happened?"

Soda crumbled up the paper that had once wrapped his cheeseburger, as he responded to Steve's question. "Huh? He asked you what happened?"

Steve ate the last of his fries and shoved the box back into the Dairy Queen bag between them. "He wanted to know how I knew what to say to you last night to help. So he asked what I went through."

"Oh. What'd you say?"

"I told him to get in the car. We drove around a while. Then, I told him I was abused."

"Wow. I thought you'd have told him to get lost."

"If he'd have asked much sooner, I might have. But I don't know. I didn't really mind. I wasn't volunteering information, but when he straight up asked me, I was okay to tell him about it."

"So what'd he say after?"

"He asked more questions than I would've been able to handle before, but I think he just didn't expect any of what I told him. I sure can't blame him for that."

"I remember having a lot of questions when you first told me, but I could tell you weren't ready for that then. So is Pony worried about me cause of- Well, cause of how I was last night?"

"Yeah, buddy. He is. He just wanted to know exactly what was happening too. And, somehow, I've been granted the honor of helping the kid understand."

"Sorry if he's bugging you cause of me, Stevie. I know you guys ain't the best of friends."

"It's fine, man. Really. And I swear I'm going to knock you upside the head if you keep apologizing for stuff."

Soda sighed, as he picked up the Dairy Queen bag, putting the crumbled wrapper inside it. "I need to tell you something, Stevie. Please don't ever forget you're my best friend."

"I know that, Soda. Where's this coming from?"

"I just want you to remember nothing can change that."

Steve tried to calm the alarm in his mind, realizing how much Soda's words were echoing his own. He reached for his friend's shoulder, squeezing it gently, even as he kept his voice firm. "I know nothing can change that. But why are you saying it right now? What are you thinking about?"

"It's nothing. I just want to make sure you know."

Steve tightened his grip on Soda's shoulder, noticing how he hadn't so much as moved or looked up. "Sodapop, you're not going home tonight til you tell me why you're talking like this."

"But I'm not talking like anything."

"Look at me, buddy."

Soda hesitantly turned his head, meeting Steve's eyes for a moment, before his gaze dropped. "I swear I'm not thinking anything, Stevie. I'm just telling you cause I want to, and it's important."

"What do I have to say to get you to tell me the truth?"

"I'm um- I _am_ telling you the truth."

"No. You're not. Look, man. What you said before, you're right. I wasn't always honest. But when I really needed to, I told the truth. You're horrible at lying, Sodapop. So please talk to me. I'm listening."

* * *

_"Yes, I'm still going to take Audrey out, Son. I'm not breaking the date."_

_ Steve followed Nicholas into his bedroom, as he replied to his dad's confirmation. "Good. I just wanted to make sure. I don't want you to not do something cause of anything that happened, and you've sounded like you weren't sure sometimes."_

_ Nicholas went toward Steve, putting his hands on his shoulders. "Don't worry, Son. I've just been thinking a lot. But I'm sure about this. Even if it ends up being just one date."_

* * *

"I meant what I said, Sodapop, and you know it. I'm not letting you go home until you tell me. I don't care if it takes all night."

Soda heard the back door close behind Steve, having well expected his best friend to follow him inside. "There's nothing to tell."

Steve crossed the room and stood in front of Soda. "The hell there isn't! You're hurting inside, man. It's written all over your face and even more in what comes out of your mouth."

"So? That doesn't mean there's anything I need to say!"

"Do you hear yourself? That's exactly what it means!"

Soda started to go past Steve. "I don't want to do this right now. I'm going home."

Steve reached for Soda's arm, stepping in front of him to block his path. "Do you know what today is?"

"Today? What are you talking about?"

"It's been six months since I overdosed."

"Oh."

"There's something I said once that I never told you about. I only said it to Laura."

"Okay."

"I told her that I sometimes wished I hadn't survived."

"But you- you didn't mean that."

"I _did _mean it at that moment, buddy. I felt that way sometimes because the same pain that made me try to kill myself was still there."

"But you don't feel that way now, do you?"

"No. I don't feel that way now at all. Not even when it still hurts." Steve waited, not letting go of Soda's arm or stepping away from him. He watched his best friend's expression, the need to respond clear on his face. "Come on, man. I know you have plenty to say. I can see it. I've been able to see it all the time."

* * *

_"How do you feel about having another baby?"_

_ Samuel let Vivian's question move into his heart, as he worded his response. "I know how much you want to be a mom. You never stopped being one. I want you to have that. You should have it."_

_ Vivian put her hands over Samuel's, staring at his face. "I do want to be a mom. But I'm asking how you feel, honey."_

_ "When you first told me you wanted to have another baby, I went into Matthew's old room. I sat there and prayed and wondered what that would mean for him."_

_ "It would mean he has a brother or sister who's here with us, a sibling to watch over. It wouldn't change our memories or how much we love him. I thought about all this too, Samuel."_

_ "Then, I imagined holding a baby in my arms, watching him or her grow, and I wondered if I should be a dad again."_

_ "Of course you should. You have a lot of love in your heart, and that's all you need."_

* * *

"I know I keep saying I didn't. But I did mean it, Stevie."

Steve responded to Soda's admission with a question, though he already knew the answer. "You did mean what?"

Soda looked away from Steve, his eyes on the carpet that covered his best friend's bedroom floor. "What I said the other night. I did- I did mean it when I told you I wished he'd killed me."

Steve started to reach for Soda's shoulder, seeing him visibly flinch at the motion. "I'm not going to hurt you, buddy. I'm sorry for how I reacted before. You just shocked me, you know?"

"Yeah. I know."

Steve, not hesitating this time, let his hand rest on Soda's shoulder. "So tell me. What's making you feel like that?"

"I don't know if I can do this. I don't know what'll happen if I talk about it."

"Nothing, man. Nothing will happen. Except you won't be trying to deal with it alone."

"I'm sorry I lied. I really didn't mean to."

"It's okay, buddy. I understand, and I'm not worried about that."

Soda attempted to voice his thoughts, the words haltingly coming from his lips, as he looked up at Steve, then back down again. "Ever since I had those first couple of flashbacks and the nightmares too, I have these thoughts and- I mean, not like what you've had but..."

Steve drew in air, holding the breath, as he spoke internally to himself: Just be here for Soda. Listen to him, and be here for him. "So like what then, man?"

"I mean, I wake up in the morning and wish I hadn't. Or I'll think that I just don't want to be here anymore. I think about how if I had died, none of this could be happening."

Steve felt Soda's words wash over him, realizing his best friend's voice sounded hollow, like it was coming from somewhere far outside of himself. "So you said not like what I've had. What's different?"

Soda felt tears burn his eyes, the urge to cry growing, as it dawned on him all that he'd just said outloud. "I'm, um, not thinking of ways to hurt myself or anything like that. I haven't even felt like I want to. It's not that bad."

Steve rubbed Soda's back, as he tried to keep his voice from wavering with emotion. "That's good. But I'm worried it could get that bad, if you're already thinking what you just told me."

"I worry about that too. Cause I just feel so sad all the time. When Darry talked to me, I told him I'm glad he saved me. And that's true, even though I've been feeling like this too. It's confusing."

"What did you think would happen if you talked about this?"

"I don't know. Part of me wondered if I could control it if I just kept it all inside my head. And it's like- Well, maybe the same as with the rest. I don't want it to be real cause I can't even believe I'd ever think that way."

* * *

_"What would you say if I told you I was pregnant right now?"_

_ Samuel looked at Vivian, her question making him speechless for just a moment, before he spoke. "Um, I would wonder how because-"_

_ Vivian smiled at her husband, as she touched his face. "I'm only speaking hypothetically, and I mean what would you think? Would you be happy?"  
_

_"Of course I would be happy."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because it's a baby." Samuel paused, meeting Vivian's eyes, as he still felt her hand on his cheek. "Our baby."_

* * *

"Soda, I want to ask you about one more thing, buddy. What you were saying to me outside, why did you want to tell me that then?"

Soda's mind drifted back to the words he'd said to Steve earlier, knowing he was referring to the affirmation of their friendship. "Uh, I just felt like I needed to tell you cause I guess I don't know what could happen. And I-" Tears still burned Soda's eyes, making his voice tremble. "I want everyone I love to know, no matter what."

Steve still had a hand on Soda's back and put his arm around his shoulders, wanting to keep him close. "I guess what I really need to ask is did you need to say it because you wonder if you could end up hurting yourself cause of the stuff you've been thinking?"

Soda closed his eyes, as he nodded, his voice trembling even more. "Yeah. That and it's like I know now more than ever that something could happen to me. I could die any time. I knew that before, but it's different now."

"I get what you mean, man. On both those things. I know me feeling like this is different cause I actually did hurt myself and still was thinking about doing it again. But do you remember that morning I missed school and told you I had a migraine?"

"You mean when you went to see Laura, instead of going to school?"

"Yeah. I went to see her because I was really scared. I was wondering what if I did try to kill myself again and thinking about it a lot."

"I remember. I was just glad you asked for help."

"When I talked to Laura that day, I told her all the things that were going through my head. Like how I had thought about telling my dad not to blame himself if I did try again, and I wanted to make sure he knows I love him. You too. I felt like telling you to remember you're always going to be my brother, and that won't change, even if I'm not here."

"So it's almost like you were wanting to say goodbye?"

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"I know I sounded kind of like that too, but I'm not thinking about trying to kill myself. It's just what I told you. I promise."

"I know. I believe you, man."

"It scares me though. Cause it's like there's this ache inside me all the time, and it never goes away."

"You're doing great, buddy. I want you to know that. There's a lot you need to get off your chest, and this is a start."

Soda pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, the tears becoming more stubborn. "I did cry a little bit the other night when you asked me about the flashbacks. But before I even left the hospital, I decided I wasn't going to. I decided I wouldn't cry."

"But why, Soda?"

Soda kept his eyes covered. "So I could keep it all in. So I wouldn't have to feel anything."

Steve heard Soda's voice breaking and pulled him into his arms. "You need to let it out, buddy. I've been knowing that."

Soda felt himself tense up, still trying to hold back the sobs. "But I can't- I can't control anything else, Stevie. I knew. Even before I went home, I knew it was going to be bad."

Steve held Soda tighter, feeling his best friend shake, as he started to hug him back. "Shh. It's okay to cry, Sodapop. I know you'd tell me the same thing."

Soda let go then, tears pouring out, as he finally cried over the fear and trauma he'd endured and the memories he continued to experience.

Steve put his head on Soda's shoulder, the sobs that racked his best friend sending an ache through him. "I love you, buddy. I think you need to hear that a lot right now." He pondered what Soda had revealed to him, the words striking him yet again with their pain and familiarity. "I know I did."


	10. Chapter 10

The past and the present met in a collision of commonality, the echoing crash enough to begin breaking the walls of denial and send the chains of fear toppling to the ground below.

* * *

"Is he okay, Son?"

Steve pulled his bedroom door closed, as he spoke to Nicholas. "Not really, Dad. He's been crying a lot. But that's not a bad thing. He needs it."

Nicholas looked at the closed door, then at his son. "How about you? Are you okay? You look like you were crying too."

Steve rubbed his head and squeezed his eyes shut, knowing they were red from the remnants of tears that he'd cried right along with Soda. "I don't know. But yeah, I was. I couldn't help it. It hurts me to see him hurting."

Nicholas wrapped Steve in a hug. "I know, Son. I know it does."

Steve returned his dad's embrace, the comfort an anchor for him. "He's finally starting to get stuff off his chest, Dad. Some of it's really hard to hear, but I'll listen to anything to help him through it."

"Of course, Son. It's Sodapop. But I'm here if you need to talk too, all right?"

Steve nodded, as he pulled away from the hug. "I know, Dad. I'm going to go back in there now. I don't want to leave him alone for too long."

* * *

"I knew if I started crying, I might never stop."

Steve sat at Soda's side, seeing the tears that still fell from his best friend's eyes, confirming the truth of his words. "That's all right, buddy. You needed it."

Soda laid his head against Steve's bed, not even bothering to wipe the tears from his face. "I've always been a bawl baby, but damn."

"It's everything trying to come out, man."

"Yeah. It's like I kept pushing the tears back, so there's more of them or something."

"So do you feel any better?"

"I don't know. Maybe. It feels kind of good, I guess."

"That's cause it's not like you to keep everything inside."

Soda took the tissue Steve handed him, wiping his nose and eyes, as a few beats of silence fell between the two friends. "Stevie?"

"Yeah?"

"You're going to tell Darry what I said, aren't you?"

"He needs to know, Soda."

"I don't want him to be upset with me."

"He won't be upset with you, buddy." Steve watched Soda press the tissue to his face, soaking up the remaining tears. "Why don't you talk to him? And I can be there with you, if you want."

* * *

"Darry, can I, uh, ask you about something?"

Darry could see the hesitation in Pony, uncertain where his little brother was going with the beginning question. "Sure, Pone. What's on your mind?"

Pony, still clad in the shorts and t-shirt he'd worn to track practice, with sweat glistening on his red face, took a few swallows of cold water, before going further. "Steve told me what happened to him."

"Oh. Okay. So you have a question about that?"

"Kind of. But I didn't want to ask him anything else. Soda either."

"Well, you can ask me then, Pone. But I don't know that much about it."

"Steve said it was abuse."

"Yeah."

"And that he didn't tell his dad about Clara, um, touching him."

"Right."

"I mean, I guess I just wonder- The word 'abuse' makes me think of Johnny's parents and how they beat him. But no one, not even Steve's dad, knew about anything happening to him."

"There are different types of abuse, Ponyboy. We couldn't see it, and she didn't hurt Steve the same way Johnny's parents hurt him. But she did cause him a lot of pain."

"I couldn't understand why he didn't tell his dad about it. I would tell you if anyone ever- well, if anyone who shouldn't ever touched me like that. He said he was ashamed, so it was hard for him."

"I'm glad that you'd tell me, but I think it's different when it actually happens to you. And Steve was young enough, it was hard for him to know what to believe about what she was doing to him."

"He told me she said stuff that confused him. She's the one who was wrong though. I mean, she was an adult, and he was a kid so..."

"That's one reason it was abuse, Pone."

"What's the other reason?"

"Well, that's the main one, but it's wrong for anybody to touch someone else without permission. And the way she manipulated him into not telling and made him feel bad, that's also abusive too."

"Why did she do it, Dar? I mean, she was supposed to be Nicholas' girlfriend, right? So why would she be touching Steve, instead of him?"

"I actually don't know the answer to that, but I don't think it's really about that at all."

"You mean it's not about sexual stuff?"

"Yeah, that's what I mean, Pone."

"So what's it about then?"

"I doubt Steve even knows that answer for sure because it's not like Clara ever explained her actions to him. But if I had to guess, I'd say it was about having control over him and being able to get what she wanted. I don't know why, but I think she wanted to hurt both Nicholas and Steve, so that's exactly what she did."

* * *

"Thanks, Nicholas. I was actually getting hungry."

Nicholas picked up Soda's empty plate and put it in the sink. "You're welcome, Sodapop. You know that."

Soda looked at Steve, who sat across from him. "Can we go get it over with, Stevie? If I don't do it soon, I won't be able to talk to Darry at all."

Steve took the last bite of the leftover lasagna, setting the fork down on his plate. "Sure, man. We can go in a minute." He stood up, taking his plate to the sink. "Hey, Dad, I'll be back later, all right?"

Nicholas nodded, seeing Soda also stand to his feet, the boy's lack of any form of cheer tugging at his heartstrings. "You're going to be okay, Sodapop."

Soda rubbed at his eyes, internally begging the tears not to start again. "I know. I mean, I guess I do anyway."

Nicholas moved toward Soda. "Come here." His arms went around his son's best friend, just holding him for a few moments.

Soda leaned into the embrace, also able to feel Steve's hand on his shoulder. "Everyone's hugging me tonight."

Nicholas couldn't help but smile a little. "Cause you look like you need it."

Soda lifted his head from Nicholas' shoulder, as he pulled away. "I really do need it." He turned to Steve. "Let's go talk to Darry. Before I decide I can't do it."

* * *

"Pony's in the shower right now, but we'll talk in here anyway."

Soda heard Darry's bedroom door click, as it closed, not yet ready to begin the conversation.

Steve settled himself beside Soda, seeing when his best friend hid his face in his hands. "It's all right, man. Remember I'm here too."

Darry sat on Soda's other side, immediately resting a hand on his brother's back. "What's going on, little buddy?"

Soda drew in a breath, holding it until he was ready to speak. "I wasn't really telling the truth, Darry. I mean, I kind of do have some thoughts. Not exactly like- But, um, I don't want to do anything. I just..."

Darry's gaze moved from Soda to Steve, then back again. "I don't understand. What are you talking about? You have what thoughts?"

Soda looked down, not meeting his brother's eyes. "Um, thoughts about not being here anymore. About dying."

Darry stayed close to Soda, his hand still on his back. "Okay. You mean about hurting yourself or...?"

Soda felt the tears threatening to spill out again, as he tried to clarify his own words. "No. Not really. I mean, I don't feel like hurting myself. But I sort of did mean what I said the other night, and I think things."

Darry sought a clearer explanation, believing his brother was on his intended track, yet not filling in all the blanks. "You did mean what? And what things? I'm listening, little buddy. You can say anything you need to say, even if you didn't tell me before."

Steve saw Soda's eyes meet his own, recognizing the need for help, as he put a hand on his best friend's shoulder. "He's talking about what I told you, Superman. Wishing the robber would've killed him. And he told me earlier" Steve glanced at Soda, also finding it difficult to continue. He didn't let go of him, as the words flowed out. "that he wakes up in the morning and wishes he hadn't or thinks of how he wouldn't be dealing with so much now, if he had died and-"

Soda interrupted, repeating the remainder of the thoughts he'd shared with Steve. "And, sometimes, I think I just don't want to be here anymore."

Darry, focused on not just what he'd heard, but also on the defeated tone of Soda's voice, drew his little brother close. He held him, experiencing the rare feeling of being at a loss for what else to do.

Soda sank into Darry's arms, appreciative of the warmth when he'd been so afraid. "I bet Pony's going to hug me tonight too."

Steve remained beside both brothers, his eyes brimming with tears, though he smiled at Soda's comment. "I know I said it once already, but it's cause we all love you, buddy."

Darry met Steve's eyes over Soda's shoulder, reluctant to let go of his brother, though he knew more would need to be said. "That's right, little brother."

Soda closed his eyes, feeling the tears coming out yet again. "I'm sorry I lied to you before, Darry. I just didn't want to admit I meant it at all, and I thought you'd get upset. I don't want to feel any of this."

Darry released Soda, pulling away to look at him. "It's okay. I'm not upset. I am very worried though." He used his thumb to wipe the tears from his little brother's face. "And I'm not sure how to help you."

* * *

"Thank you, Steve. For being here with me and for everything tonight too."

Steve turned to see Soda coming out the front door, as he replied to his best friend's grateful sentiment. "Of course, buddy. You know I've got your back."

Soda joined Steve on the porch, the door closing behind him. "I really mean it, man. I've been feeling like I'm falling apart, so it means a lot."

Steve could still see tears glistening in Soda's eyes, and his heart went out to him. "I'm just glad you're starting to talk about things, Soda."

"Not everything yet, but yeah. I know Darry is going to want to talk more too, but I'm getting real worn out. My head hurts from crying so much."

"You probably need some sleep, man."

Soda looked down at the concrete that made up the floor of the porch, then at the sky that had turned dark. "Will you pray for me, Stevie?" He felt himself being enveloped in yet another hug and squeezed Steve tight in return.

"I already have been, buddy."

* * *

"Hey, Son, how'd it go?"

Steve, no stranger to the power of vulnerability, didn't yet respond to Nicholas' question with audible words. All the emotion weighing on his chest and in his heart, he wrapped his arms around his dad.

Nicholas could hear Steve crying, as he wound his arms tight around him too. "It's okay, Son. Sodapop's going to get through all this." He pressed his lips to the top of his son's head, a gentle gesture of comfort. "I promise."

* * *

Helplessness clawed its way through Darry's chest, overpowering his physical strength. It seized his heart, giving rise to a panic that then gave birth to anger.

* * *

"The thoughts I've had, they kind of started out like that."

Nicholas felt sympathy cut through him, as he listened to Steve tell him about how Soda was struggling. "But that doesn't mean he'll do anything to himself, Son."

Steve could feel himself trembling from the crying he'd done so recently, as he added more. "I know. I know that. But he survived something terrible, Dad. Something awful and scary enough all on its own. He doesn't deserve to be dealing with the flashbacks. And he damn sure doesn't deserve to be feeling anything like this."

* * *

Darry's fist clenched, before it slammed hard against the top of his nightstand. "Damn it! What am I supposed to do for him?"

* * *

"You don't have to sleep in here with me tonight, if you don't want to, Pone. I'll be all right."

Pony studied Soda's appearance, able to see the waves of sadness that poured off him, even without the clues that told him he'd been crying. "Are you okay?"

Soda put on a smile, as he slipped on a pair of socks. "Yeah. I'm fine."

"You don't look like it."

"But I still am."

"Come on, Sodapop. If Steve can be honest with me, you can too."

"He did say he told you about what happened to him."

"Yeah. I don't even know what I was expecting, but it sure wasn't that."

"It's not something you'd ever think of, Pone. Hell, I was around Steve all the time back then, and I didn't know. I was even around Clara some too."

"You were? What was she like?"

"I don't know. She seemed nice, but I can't look back now without thinking she was kind of creepy too."

"So she was nice to you?"

"Yeah. But she was nice to Steve too. That's one of the things that made it so hard for him. She was good at acting like a decent person, Pone. That's how she got Nicholas to like her. Steve even liked her too, at first. But it wasn't real."

"Do you think she was sick or something?"

"I don't know. Maybe. But she was a bad person. So it doesn't even matter."

"Steve said he felt ashamed cause of what she did. I hated to hear that from him. It just seemed wrong. He was a kid."

"Exactly. And yeah, it was hard for me to hear he felt so bad about what happened cause it's her fault, not his."

Pony started to voice another question, but pushed it to the back of his mind for safekeeping. "But I asked about you."

"I've had a rough night, Ponyboy. Honestly."

"Why?"

"Cause I'm- I'm feeling a lot of things."

"Because of the shooting?"

"Yeah."

"You're always here for me, Soda. You can tell me stuff too, you know."

"I know."

"So what was making you cry?"

"I cry all the time anyway. I'm the bawl baby in our house, right?"

"Yeah. Usually. But you haven't been lately."

"Cause I wasn't letting myself cry."

"But that ain't like you."

"So once I started, I couldn't stop."

Pony, knowing the comfort Soda always offered him, hugged his middle brother.

Soda felt himself start to laugh, as he hugged Pony back, a welcome change after seemingly endless tears.

"Soda? What's funny?"

"Nothing, Pone. I've just been getting a lot of hugs tonight."

* * *

"God, I just don't know what you want from me sometimes."

Soda, unaware of Darry's prayer, looked outside to see his big brother on the porch steps, holding a bottle in one hand. "Hey, Dar, what are you doing out here?"

Darry lifted the bottle, taking a swallow of beer. "Just relaxing, little buddy. I thought you went to bed."

"I did, but I was kind of having a tough time falling asleep." Soda took a seat beside Darry, watching his brother. "Are you mad at me?"

Darry set the beer down on the concrete step. "Mad at you? Of course not."

"You just didn't say as much to me as I thought you would, and you kind of look mad and- Tense, I guess."

"I'm all right, Pepsi Cola."

"I thought you'd try to get me to talk more after, um, what I told you."

Darry picked up the beer, taking a longer swallow this time. "Is there more you need to say?"

"I just- I mean you got to me in time. You called for help. You took care of me."

"Right. And I'd do it all again, Sodapop."

"But when I think the things I do, I feel bad for it cause you saved my life. So how could I ever feel like I don't want to be alive?"

"Because you're having a hell of a tough time. It means you're in pain, little buddy." Darry secured an arm around Soda, guiding his head to rest on his shoulder. He looked up at the sky, his next words both a balm of truth for his brother and a repentant prayer. "But it doesn't mean you're not grateful."

* * *

"Come in, Son. You can stay here with me."

Steve entered Nicholas' bedroom, crawling into the bed to lie beside him.

Nicholas switched off the lamp, then lie down on his side, pulling the comforter over both himself and Steve.

Silence hung between father and son, until Steve spoke. "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared."

"I know, Son. I can tell."

Steve turned over to his other side, so he was facing Nicholas. "I know Soda's not like I was, but I still feel like I get it now."

"You get what now?"

"How he felt when he was so scared cause of what I was going through. I mean, I got it before. But it's different to be feeling the same way."

"You're an incredible friend, Son. I want to make sure you know that."

"So is Soda." Steve let his head sink into the pillow, as he closed his eyes. "I don't know where I'd be without him."

* * *

Soda's feet moved along the ground, the coolness of the grass brushing the soles, as he heard the sound of chirping crickets, the quiet night a contrast to the deafening noise in his mind.

As he looked up, Soda dropped to his knees, the open, star-filled sky an invitation to prayer. "God, I know I already asked you to help me. But I'm asking you again."

His eyes remained on the sky, where he believed God resided in Heaven, as his voice continued in prayer. "Please make all this go away."

Soda laid his head down on his lap, letting it rest on his folded arms. He felt the bandage that covered his healing wound touching the skin on his face, his petitions turning to whispered pleas. "And no matter what, don't ever leave me, God. Please always stay with me."

* * *

"Get lost, TwoBit. I do not look _that _bad."

Twobit leaned on the bench, where Steve sat, disagreeing with the protest. "Seriously, buddy, are you okay? Is something going on?"

Steve found her couldn't argue, TwoBit's tone of voice making his initial annoyance dissipate. "I have some stuff on my mind, but yes, I'm okay, man."

"Would you tell me if you weren't?"

Steve didn't answer immediately, realizing TwoBit's likely implications. "Since you're asking, and you know stuff you didn't before, yeah, I think I would."

* * *

Soda picked up the appointment card that lay on the counter, reading his own name and that of Dr. Simons, accompanied by the date for two days from now. I wonder what it's going to be like, he thought.

Putting the card back down, Soda's eyes moved to the bandage that, for now, still marked the place where he'd been shot. Darry had continued to replace it for him everyday, while helping to distract him from the wound that would be a reminder, even once time transformed it into a scar.

Acting on a sudden impulse, Soda pulled off the medical tape that held the dressing in place. He felt the bandage loosen, the stretchy material sliding off the stitched wound. Even when he wanted to pull his gaze way, he found he couldn't. He stared at the stitches, as he ran his fingers over the line of knots. He could see the raised ridge that was the beginning of a scar, a symbolic representation of physical healing.

Soda, still staring at the mark of trauma, he'd always carry, pictured the bullet entering his flesh. He imagined the skin being torn open, pain unlike any he'd ever known before, rippling through his arm. He felt the sensation of a trance come over him, thinking of how the bullet had trapped itself within his body, while blood poured from an injury that could have taken his life.

Soda could feel the tears rise up in his eyes, as he blinked rapidly, both to keep them back and to fend off the image of the robber's mask that hid behind it a face that didn't want to be known, the source of a voice making demands not met fast enough. He tried to block out the living recollection, but it moved forward, carrying the mask through time, forcing him to remember. His left hand lifted again to touch the stitches, his eyes no longer blinking, but held open in the shock of disconnection.

Soda's fingers at first only grazed the knots that had sewn the edges of his skin together, but caught in the haze of detachment, he began to pull at one of them, the memories making him come undone.

* * *

The hammer in Darry's hand came down hard on the nail, further securing the shingle on the roof, where his crew was working. He felt the hot sun shining down on his face, as he headed toward the ladder.

He put a foot on the top rung, holding on with both hands, as he made his descent.

* * *

The pencil in Steve's hand glided across the lined paper. He attempted to ignore the feeling that stole over him, his mind focused in on Mrs. Patterson's words, shutting out the voice that accompanied the still remaining shadow of regret.

* * *

Panic blossomed in Soda's heart, as he started to come back to himself, physical pain tugging at him. Yet, as he stared at the blood that seeped out, the image made the memories gain new momentum, their strength zapping his awareness and trapping him within the bonds of the past.

* * *

"Hey, Kid. What's up?"

Pony watched, as Steve put some of his textbooks in his backpack, stacking the rest into his locker. "Can we, um, talk again? Just for a minute?"

Steve sighed, as he closed his locker and picked his backpack up off the floor. "Depends what about. And I gotta go home and change before I head to work."

"It's not about you this time."

"That's good cause I don't feel like talking about me today."

"Do you think Soda is okay?"

"I think he will be, Kid."

"When I was talking to him last night, he kind of avoided actually answering anything I asked him. I just know he had a rough night, and he was crying. He wouldn't really say why."

"Listen, Ponyboy. Soda talked to me quite a bit yesterday. He did have a rough night, but it's a good thing cause he got some stuff out of him. And he needed that real bad."

"He just looked so sad, and I don't know, it made me wonder how he's really doing cause he said he's fine. He hasn't seemed fine at all."

"That's just his way of trying to cope, Kid. But try not to worry too much, all right?"

"Darry looked kind of stressed last night too. But I didn't ask him about it."

"It's rough to see Soda in pain. Especially when he can't really fix it."

"So do you think he's doing what you said he needed to? Facing what happened to him?"

"Yeah. I do, Kid. I think he's starting to do exactly that."

"What can I do?"

"You're his little brother. Soda adores you. Just be around."

* * *

Blood trickled down Soda's arm and onto his jeans, as he huddled in a corner of the living room. "Please make it stop, God. Please."

He lifted his head to look around, feeling the memories begin to recede into the distance. He wiped at the tears that had fallen on his face. "It's okay. You're just at home. You're safe."

Soda looked at the stitches he'd left intact, then at the area of his wound he'd injured by pulling on the healing skin. It oozed blood, red from irritation, as it created a stinging pain. "I didn't mean to do that." He got to his feet, still shaking, as he found the bag of remaining medical supplies. He pressed gauze to the wound, applying only a little pressure.

"I'll see you later, TwoBit!"

At the sound of Pony's voice, Soda clumsily searched for dressing and medical tape.

Pony entered the living room and saw Soda there, holding the gauze against his arm. "Hey, what happened?"

Soda stumbled over his words, as he picked up a clean bandage. "I, um- Nothing, Pone. I just-"

Pony moved forward and reached for the gauze, lifting it to see the wound that had only just stopped bleeding, the unstitched parts of skin slightly open. "What did you do, Soda? Did you try to take your stitches out by yourself?"

"I wasn't really trying to. I wanted to see what it looked like, So I took the bandage off. But then, I started feeling- And I pulled on them. Before I knew it, I was bleeding."

"You can't just cover it back up though. You have to cut away these loose stitches and clean it. You don't want it to get infected."

"I swear I didn't mean to do it, Pone. I felt worse when I saw it was bleeding."

"It's okay, Soda. I'll help you take care of it, and you'll still be all right."

* * *

Darry's feet were planted firmly on the ground, as he spoke to his boss, Mr. Sanders. "Yes, Sir. I can stay late today. I could sure use the time."

Mr. Sanders nodded at Darry, his eyes assessing the work that remained on their current job. "How's that brother of yours doing, Curtis?"

"He's getting better. It's taking time, but he seems to be recovering all right."

"Good to hear. You can go up and work alongside Avery for now." Mr. Sanders clapped Darry on the shoulder, before he could walk away. "And tell Sodapop I'm glad to hear he's coming along. You boys have been through a hell of a lot. But I know your dad would be damn proud of how you're handling it all."

* * *

Pony put the last strip of tape in place, the injured wound now clean and covered. "What happened, Soda? Why did you pull on those stitches? The skin's not totally healed yet. It even could've been worse."

Soda avoided Pony's gaze, as he tried to explain. "I don't know. I didn't mean to do it."

"How could you not mean to do that?"

"I was just- I was having a hard time, and I touched it and felt the knots. I was trying to block out what was in my head, and I just pulled on them."

"You're going to have to show that to Darry when he comes home."

"I know. I don't want to though. I was trying to cover it up before anyone came in and saw what I did." Soda looked down at his right arm, his eyes studying the newly placed bandage that, for now, hid the physical result of his battle with the flashbacks. "I swear I didn't realize what I was doing. I didn't even feel it at first."

* * *

"Hey, Dar, I know you just got off work, but I need-"

Darry tossed his toolbelt on the table, exhaustion speaking for him, as he replied to Soda. "I'm very tired, little buddy. I need to get a shower and eat dinner cause I still have to get up in the morning and do it all over again."

Soda stared at his big brother, his face falling in regret. "I- I'm sorry. I'm not trying to bother you."

Darry went past Soda, making his way to the bathroom. He was in the shower, water running over his fatigued muscles and body, before he realized what he'd done.

* * *

"Hey, Dad, when's your next date with Audrey?"

Nicholas looked up from his checkbook, seeing Steve still in his DX uniform, the question catching him off guard. "Uh, I don't know. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow. Why?"

Steve took a piece of baked chicken from the stove, scooping some corn next to it. "Just wondered. I know I've been off my game with teasing you. I need to get back on track."

* * *

"I'm sorry I blew you off like that, little buddy. I'm just stressed from working late."

Soda didn't turn around to look at Darry, as he puffed on a cigarette, his head laying on the back of the porch swing. "It's okay, Dar."

Darry sat down next to Soda, his eyes on his brother's face. "What did you need? You can tell me now."

"You're already stressed enough, and it's all cause of me. I'm the reason you needed to work late anyway."

Darry leaned forward on the swing, then grabbed Soda's face, making his brother look at him. "Stop that, Sodapop Patrick. There is nothing here that's your fault. Don't you dare do that to yourself."

Soda felt Darry let go of his face and put the cigarette to his lips, inhaling one last time, before he put it out. "I have to show you something cause I'm worried about it."

"Okay, little buddy."

"And you're going to see anyway. But please don't be mad, okay? I didn't do it on purpose."

"Just show me. Whatever it is."

Soda undid the dressing that Pony had put on his arm, feeling Darry's eyes watching him.

Darry saw the bandage fall away, Soda's injury exposed. He looked at the wound, seeing where it was still red, skin slightly apart, the knots of stitches no longer all there. "What happened here, Sodapop?"

"I wanted to see it earlier cause I was thinking about how I have my appointment on Thursday."

"Okay."

"And at first, I just looked, and I touched the stitches. But then, I started feeling funny. I was having a flashback again."

"All right. Keep going."

"I was trying to get away from it, I guess. And I started pulling at them."

Darry stared at the irritated skin, believing the damage to the healing injury hadn't been too substantial. "That must have hurt. Stitches don't just come out like that."

"It didn't hurt when I first did it, but then, I sort of came back to myself, and saw I was bleeding. I kind of panicked then cause of the blood. It reminded me of- So I had another flashback. For a long time, I felt like it was all happening again, and I couldn't do anything."

"So what'd you do? Did you wash it?"

"Pony did. He fixed it up for me too. He came home right after I started to get a little better. It was still bleeding then."

"I'm glad you already have that appointment. I'd make you one if you didn't. Since it is so close to time for the stitches to come out, hopefully it'll just heal up on its own. What exactly were you thinking, little buddy?"

"I wasn't trying to hurt myself, Dar. So don't think that. But I'm not real sure. I guess I wasn't really thinking at all."

* * *

"It sounds like you disconnected from yourself or something. I haven't done anything like that, but I sort of get it, man."

Soda considered Steve's words, as he leaned against the tree in the backyard, the branches spread out over their heads. "I'm glad someone does. Cause I'm not even sure I do. It's like I wasn't even really here or something like that."

Steve crossed his legs, propping his elbows up on them. "Was this the first time you've been alone with a flashback?"

"Yeah. It was. I think maybe I was trying to do what I needed to do. You know, focus on something I could see or feel."

"You focused on the stitches?"

"Yeah. Cause I just touched them at first. I felt so weird, Stevie. And it's like I couldn't break out of the memories enough to really think or look around."

"I hate to say this, buddy, but I think you should keep that covered for quite a while longer. Just in case this could happen again."

"I'm supposed to get the stitches out on Thursday, so they won't be there for me to pull."

"Yeah, I know, but if you're alone and like that again, you could still injure the skin. It needs to heal a lot more, man."

"You're probably right. It's scary as hell to be so caught in a memory, I don't know I'm doing something. And when I saw the blood, it took me back all over again."

"I'm sure it did. That sounds like a damn powerful trigger. But there's something I need to put out there, Sodapop. Especially after the last couple of days."

"What?"

Before he continued, Steve laid his hand on Soda's shoulder. "I'm wondering if you might need to talk to a counselor or somebody like that if-"

"No, Stevie. I can't do that. Please don't tell me I should."

"Let me finish, buddy. I'm only saying if this keeps going on. It hasn't been quite two weeks yet, so give it more time to see if you start doing better."

"If what keeps going on?"

"You're having those flashbacks a lot, man. That and the things you told me you've been thinking and your nightmares. And now, this today."

"I can't stand the thought of talking to anybody but you or Darry about stuff like this."

"It's just something I wanted to mention. That's all. I get not wanting to. You know I do."

"I remember when I first told you I thought you needed to talk to someone."

"Yeah. I yelled at you, then broke a window. So I'd say you're handling the idea better than I did."

"It just all still feels so fresh, Stevie. Like I got shot yesterday or even today. And like I can still see that mask and hear the gun go off."

Steve grinned at Soda. "Do you hear yourself?"

"Huh?"

"The last time you tried to say you got shot, you couldn't. And that's the most you've said about what you keep remembering, buddy."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess it is."

"That's a big deal man. A big step. You're going to find a work to work through all this."

"I hope so."

"You will." Steve leaned closer to Soda, meeting his eyes, as he squeezed his shoulder. "And I'll be right here by your side the whole time."


	11. Chapter 11

Grace weaved with time, granting warmth in the midst of anguish and deep connection, in spite of the agony. As time marched forward, empathy thrived, its power exceeding the distress inflicted by memories of the past, its light fighting the darkness.

* * *

"I don't know. I think moving here has worked out pretty well."

Nicholas feigned offense to Audrey's words. "Pretty well? You met me, didn't you?"

Audrey rolled her eyes, as she smiled. "Oh. You're wonderful. I was just thinking of my house, my job at the bookstore, things like that. I basically started over when I came here."

"You think I'm wonderful?"

"Absolutely." Audrey wound her arms around Nicholas' neck, her lips enveloping his in a kiss.

Nicholas leaned fully into it, his hands combing through her auburn hair.

"Hey! Check out the lovebirds!"

Nicholas groaned, as he pulled away from the kiss, recognizing TwoBit's voice. "Don't you have somewhere to be right now?"

TwoBit eyed Audrey up and down. "Sure do. Right here with this sexy lady."

Steve entered the house just in time to hear TwoBit's reply. "Like she'd give you the time of day."

TwoBit leaned on the counter, smiling at Audrey. "How 'bout it, baby? I'm older than I look."

Audrey burst out laughing, linking her arm with Nicholas'. "Sorry. You're cute. But I'm already taken."

* * *

Rain drops fell on the roof that sheltered the Curtis' front porch, as Soda sat in the center of it. He sorted through the envelopes that he'd just gotten from the mailbox, finding only bills and a bank statement among them. He got to his feet and took the stack of mail inside, the quietness of the house soon leading him back outside.

Soda, ignoring the rain, started down the porch steps and headed toward the sidewalk.

* * *

"You can see why we call him TwoBit. He definitely got his 'two-bits' worth in, didn't he?"

Audrey agreed with Steve's observation. "He sure did. I like him though. He's a trip."

Nicholas chimed in with his own thoughts. "I liked him better before he interrupted our kiss."

Steve nudged Nicholas, grinning at him. "I'm sure you'll have lots of time to kiss later, Dad. I can get lost." He glanced out the window, seeing Soda on the sidewalk, coming toward the house. "There's Sodapop. I'll be outside, and you two can go at it some more."

Nicholas raised an eyebrow. "Go at it? Geez, Son. It's just kissing. You make it sound like we're-" His face reddened, before he could finish. "Like we're, well, doing more than that."

Audrey felt herself blush, as she chuckled.

Steve pushed the front door open. "Aw, Dad. I don't want to think about you doing that. But, hey, if you-"

Nicholas interrupted, a hand up in protest. "Son, if you finish that sentence, I'm throwing you out in the rain."

Steve looked outside, assessing the weather, as Soda was coming up the porch steps. "It ain't raining that much. It might be worth it. I was just going to say if you want to, you should-"

Nicholas pushed Steve the rest of the way out the door, closing it behind him.

Steve laughed so hard, he couldn't stay upright, dropping to the ground beside the swing.

Soda smiled at Steve, the laughter contagious. "What happened, man? Your dad putting you out or something?"

Steve spoke through his laughter. "Something like that. Audrey's here."

"You were teasing him again, weren't you?"

"Oh, yeah. It's a blast too. I swear there's nothing else like it."

Soda plopped down beside Steve, glancing into the house. "Your dad looks happy with her."

"He is. I wouldn't tease him otherwise. It'd be no fun then."

Soda stood up and opened the door, sticking his head inside. "Hi, you two! How's your date going? Do we hear wedding bells?"

Nicholas rolled his eyes. "Not you too, Sodapop. I already caught it from both TwoBit and Steve today. I thought you were the nice one."

Steve joined in the banter. "Hey, he _is_ the nice one. TwoBit tried to flirt with Audrey, and I was trying to talk about-"

Nicholas interrupted Steve yet again. "Son! You offered to get lost, so maybe you should."

Audrey spoke up next, laughing, as she talked to Soda. "I should've asked you Sunday, but how are you, Sodapop? And, by the way, I do think you're sweet."

Soda thought about his answer, realizing she didn't just ask by way of formality or greeting. "I'm getting there. It's hard, but I sure have all the support in the world."

* * *

"Hey, Dar, Soda did talk to you last night, right? He showed you what happened?"

Darry folded a pair of jeans and stacked them into a dresser drawer, as he responded to Pony's questions. "Yeah. He did, Pone. He told me about the stitches, and he showed me."

Pony put the notebook he was holding down on Darry's bed and sat next to it. "Did it make sense to you?"

"Yeah. It did, actually. With what's been happening, I can see how he'd be so caught up in what's going on in his mind that he's not aware of what he's doing."

"It scared me cause I came in, and he was trying to cover it up. When I asked him what happened, he tried to say nothing, but then I got a good look. He said he was having a hard time and trying to block out what was in his head. I'm not sure I understand what he meant by that."

"Soda was having flashbacks, Pone. That's what he meant. He was trying to block out the shooting and what he remembers."

"But what's that have to do with pulling on the stitches? He could've hurt himself a lot more than he did, and it could've gotten infected. He was just going to cover it back up too and not clean it or anything."

"You're right. It could've been worse, and I'm glad you didn't let him hide it. But I think the stitches and the wound were just there, Pone. He was alone, and he couldn't do anything to stop the flashbacks. I think he really didn't realize what he was doing until after the fact when he started to feel more in the present than the past."

"Steve told me that's happened to him. The flashbacks. He said he relived the abuse."

"Yeah. It's something he went through a lot. I remember him telling me about it right after it first happened. He didn't understand it then. He just knew it felt like his memories were attacking him."

"But isn't that the reason Steve tried to kill himself?"

"That's one reason, yes."

"Darry, you don't think Soda would do anything like that, do you?"

Darry sighed, as he came to sit down beside Pony. "No, I honestly don't, Pone."

"But what if he gets that bad too? He could, couldn't he?"

Seeing the panic on his little brother's face, Darry laid a hand on his back. "Listen to me, Ponyboy. Soda knows he can talk to me or Steve if he ever feels anything that could lead to that. I've talked with him about it already."

"But Steve knew he could go to Soda or his dad or something, right? And he still overdosed. He still could've died."

"But that doesn't mean Soda will do the same thing. It's not the same kind of situation. There was a lot more going on with Steve. Please don't worry. I'm keeping an eye on him. We'll all do anything we can to help him and take care of him. He knows we'll do whatever it takes."

* * *

The rain picked up speed, the drops of water falling at a faster pace, as Soda counted up his points for the latest card game. He tapped his foot on the porch, internally dancing to the tune in his mind.

Steve finishing tallying up his score, smiling at his best friend. "You look like you could start singing any minute, man."

Soda stacked up the cards, as he smiled back. "Yeah, I could, but you probably don't want to hear that." He started to whistle, the sound falling against the backdrop of the steady rain.

Steve took his own cards and Soda's, putting the deck back together. "Man, I haven't heard you whistle since just before I-" He looked up at Soda, as he stopped himself. "Nevermind."

Soda's whistling came to a halt, as his eyebrows went up in question. "Huh? Since before you what?"

"Since before I, uh..."

"What is it, Stevie?"

"Since before I left the DX that night."

"You mean the night I got shot? You can say it, man. I'm not going to flip out or anything like that."

"I guess it's just kind of weird for me to think about it too."

"I'm glad you left before anything happened. I sort of even remember thinking that."

"Yeah. Um, I was just at home. My dad was out with Audrey. I was on his case as soon as he got home."

"Yeah. You told me. You've stayed on his case ever since too."

"But after Darry called, the whole night changed."

"Yeah. It changed for me when I heard the bell. I didn't know who could be coming in that late. It's no wonder I about jumped out of my skin when I was at the DX to pick up my car and somebody came inside. It's hard to feel safe there." Soda picked up the deck of cards and split it in half, ignoring the slight ache in the fingers of his right hand, as he began to shuffle. "Or really anywhere at all."

* * *

"I'll see you on Friday night then."

Nicholas found himself staring into Audrey's eyes, not even comprehending her words. "Huh? When?"

Audrey kissed Nicholas' cheek, her fingers grazing his chest. "Friday night. I'll see you then."

"Oh! That's right. So what are we going to do?"

"How about we go out for pizza? Then, we'll just see after that."

"All right. Sounds nice. I'll miss you til then."

* * *

The rain poured, its steady sound the only noise, as Soda and Steve sat side by side on the porch swing. Steve watched Audrey's car pull away from the curb, the windshield wipers on high.

Nicholas came back across the yard, jogging to get out of the rain. He went up the porch steps, turning around to see Audrey's car approaching the end of the street.

Steve saw his dad's expression, an amused smile crossing his face. "Stop it, Dad. You're going to drool all over the porch."

Nicholas watched Audrey's car turn the corner, before looking at Steve. "I miss her already."

Steve put his feet on the ground, moving the swing slowly back and forth. "Hey, Dad, can we do something tonight? You know, like play a game and watch TV, like we have before?"

Nicholas expression changed to one of surprise. "What? No more teasing, Son?"

Steve rolled his eyes, his feet still moving the swing. "Nah. I'm taking a break. So how about it?"

Nicholas moved across the porch and patted Steve's shoulder. "Of course we can, Son." He turned to Soda. "Are you okay?"

Soda grinned at Nicholas, nodding slightly in response. "Sure. I think so."

Steve saw Nicholas head inside the house and lay his head back against the swing, listening to the rain. "Are you really okay? You've been quiet for a long time."

Soda shrugged. "I don't know. I guess."

"It's all right if you're not, you know."

Soda looked toward the yard, feeling the sound of the rain soothing him. "What I said earlier, it's true."

"What is?"

"About not really feeling safe anywhere now. I mean, it's not like we live where nothing bad happens anyway. But there's a big difference between somebody jumping you or starting a skin fight and a guy with a gun. I was never scared in my own bed at night because of what goes on in the streets around here."

"It is a big difference, man. And shit has calmed down a lot too since after, you know, everything with Johnny and Pony."

"Cause it got dangerous. We all found out how out of hand it could get, and that changed everything."

* * *

"Your appointment's at 1:15. So I'll leave work and come pick you up just before 1:00."

Soda nodded along with Darry's plan. "Okay, Dar. I'm hoping Dr. Simons will tell me I can go back to work soon. But I'm kinda worried too cause of what I did to those stitches."

Darry sympathized with the worry, as he reassured his brother. "I think he'll be able to take care of it, little buddy. You'll still heal. And it didn't look as bad when I changed out the bandage."

"I know. I don't just mean cause of that. I mean I don't want him to think I did it on purpose."

"Just explain what happened and what was going on. I'll be right there to help you."

* * *

"Geez, Dad, is that even a word?"

Nicholas placed the last tile on the Scrabble board, mentally counting up the word's points, as he replied to Steve's question. "I can get out the dictionary if you want."

Steve waved off the idea, as he shook his head. "Nah. I'll take your word for it."

"No pun intended?"

"Huh?"

"We're playing Scrabble, and you said you'd take my _word_ for it."

"Oh! I didn't even catch that."

Nicholas wrote down the last of the words they'd played and added up the scores. "Looks like I win again."

"You always win this game, Dad."

"Hence the word 'again.'"

Steve picked a pillow up off the couch and threw it at Nicholas. "All right, smartass."

"Like I told you before, I learned from my son. So what do you want to do now? Just chill on the couch or-"

"Speaking of words, I've never heard you use 'chill' in that context, Dad."

"Hmm...'Context.' Now that could be a good one."

"See? I know some fancy words too."

"Well, I should hope so. You are going to graduate high school pretty soon."

Steve touched one of the Scrabble tiles, his finger moving the letter "P" among the colored squares. "Dad, can we, uh, just talk for a minute?"

"Of course."

"Soda told me tonight that he's glad I left the DX before the robbery happened. He said he remembers thinking that then too."

"That's good for you to hear, Son."

"I didn't tell him how I've felt about the fact that I left right before. I guess I kind of almost did. But I'm not sure if I should right now. He's just starting to get where he's talking about stuff."

"Well, I don't know this for sure, but maybe it could help Sodapop open up more, if you talk to him about that."

"Maybe. I'm not sure either."

"And I realize it's different, but you did say once that helping me through my pain helped you heal. Maybe the same could be true for Sodapop too."

* * *

"I really wasn't trying to do it, I swear. I hope I didn't make anything worse."

Dr. Simons, his hands covered in latex gloves, examined Soda's wound, as he listened to his explanation. "I don't think you made it worse, Sodapop. And I do believe you. But I am going to give you another round of antibiotics, just in case. Since you opened up the wound, it's going to take a little more time to heal, but that's honestly not my biggest concern."

Darry, his hand on Soda's shoulder, joined the conversation. "Then, what is your biggest concern?"

Dr. Simons removed his gloves and disposed of them, then addressed both brothers. "I'm most concerned about what you told me you're experiencing, Sodapop. Does this happen often?"

Soda looked at Darry, seeing his nod, before he answered the question. "Yeah. I feel like I'm back there, and it's all happening again. The day I pulled on the stitches was the only time I've been alone with it though."

Dr. Simons looked over his paperwork, noting the recent date of the shooting, as well as the day Soda was released from the hospital. "All right. Given that you experienced this trauma so recently, I think it's within the realm of a normal response for you to have episodes of flashbacks. Especially when I'm sure there are many reminders in your daily life."

Soda thought of his discussion with Officer Rhodes and about the day he went to the DX. "There are. I mean, sometimes, it's just little things, or I'm not even sure. But there have been a few times, the reason it happened is pretty obvious. Even just looking at my arm can bother me. And when it bled, it bothered me a lot."

Dr. Simons opened a drawer and pulled out a card, handing it to Soda. "This is the number for a counselor, who's dealt with similar situations. Or, if you prefer, you can call me, and I'll set something up for you. I'm not saying you have to call now. But if you continue to experience these episodes after several weeks have passed, or if they don't at least lessen in frequency and intensity, it could become necessary to speak to a professional."

* * *

"Hey, Kid. Shouldn't you be getting to your next class?"

Pony ignored the question, stepping closer to Steve, his voice quiet. "I know I'm probably bugging you, but I have to know something."

Steve heard what sounded like a hint of distress in Pony's tone and looked at his eyes, swearing he could see tears. "Um, whatever this is, we probably shouldn't do it here. But meet me at my car after school."

* * *

Dr. Simons' scissors cut the last knot of the stitches. "Okay. Just about done here."

Soda felt a slight tug, as the stitch was pulled out. "It didn't even hurt at all."

Dr. Simons smiled at the tone of Soda's voice, noticing the awe in it. "That's good. It means I'm doing it right. Now, you'll need to clean the area with soap and water daily. Just be very careful when you do. If you see swelling, redness, or anything that looks like puss coming out, or if you have a fever, please call me. Other than that, since the wound is partially open, I want you to keep it covered. I'll send you home with more bandages and supplies. The skin is still very delicate anyway because it's only just begun to heal, but I also say this because I don't want to risk you injuring it further."

Soda brought up the subject he was most curious about, even as thinking about it also set his nerves on edge. "When can I go back to work?"

Darry sighed, hesitant about Soda going to the DX just yet. "Little buddy, I-"

Soda didn't let his brother finish. "Darry, I have to go back sometime. Besides, it's not like I've done great at home by myself. It happened there too."

Dr. Simons responded to Soda's question with another of his own. "How are the symptoms we discussed before you were released from the hospital?"

Soda swallowed, looking at the currently uncovered healing wound and at his fingers. "Not any worse. They come and go. Some things are hard for me to do cause I can't always hold onto stuff so well. I still have the pain sometimes too."

Darry saw Soda's expression and laid a hand on his back in support. "The tests you mentioned, does he need to have those?"

Dr. Simons nodded, checking his paperwork for information. "Yes. Sodapop is already scheduled next week for an EMG, which is a test that measures electrical activity. It will be done alongside another complementary test known as a nerve conduction study that assesses nerve function. Plus, he'll have some bloodwork. These together should confirm if there is nerve damage and help me determine the best course of treatment."

Soda bit his bottom lip, the reality attempting to crash into him. "So I can't go back to work cause of that?"

Dr. Simons shook his head. "No. I'm not saying that at all, Sodapop. I just wanted to check in with you about it, and make sure you'll let your supervisor know what's going on. But remember, it'll be limited duty at first, and you have to be very careful."

Soda felt a smile tug at his lips. "So I can go back? Really?"

Dr. Simons grabbed a pen and wrote Soda's name and an approaching date on a release form. "How's Monday sound?"

* * *

"What's going on, Kid? You look like you're about to start bawlin' any second."

Pony heard the soft tone of Steve's voice, surprised by it, as he tried to keep the tears at bay. "I'm really scared."

Steve held the car keys in his hand, before setting them down in the cupholder between the Ford's seats. "Of what, Ponyboy? And what did you mean when you told me you have to know something?"

"Why did you try to kill yourself?"

"I already told you that. And what does that have to do with-"

"No! You said it was cause of what happened to you and the flashbacks. But you knew Soda was there for you and your dad too. So what else was going on that made you do it, instead of talking to one of them about how you were feeling?"

"Oh, Kid. That's not an easy answer. Where's this coming from?"

"I don't want Soda to try to kill himself. If he's having flashbacks like you, what if he starts feeling that bad too?"

Steve saw the tears slip down Pony's cheeks, this fear something he understood all too well. More gently than he ever had before, he touched the younger boy's shoulder. "Hey, listen to me. That doesn't mean Soda will do anything like what I did. Got it? Pony, I had years of pent up guilt and anger and shame. I kept a lot of secrets. I know I told you my dad knew about the abuse, but he really knew very little. There were so many things I hadn't told him before. I was carrying all that shit inside me, Kid. But Soda's not doing that."

"But didn't you still try to kill yourself after you started talking about it?"

"Yeah, but like I said, I kept it in for so long. It was like all those feelings and everything had already done a lot of damage. The day I overdosed, I was so overwhelmed, Pony. I just couldn't see a way out of it. I didn't think about going to Soda or my dad. All I thought about was making that pain stop."

"So I know you got sick after, and you called your dad. You must've thought of him then."

"Yeah. I did. After I took the pills, it hit me what I was doing. I thought about him and Soda and everyone who'd done everything to help me. I didn't want to die. So I called my dad for help because I knew he'd be there for me. If I hadn't known that, I would've died."

"So even though you did do it, knowing people were there for you still mattered?"

"Yes! Knowing I have my dad, Soda, and my counselor, it mattered a hell of a lot. I wouldn't still be here. So I'm telling you, Kid, the best thing any of us can do for Soda is make sure he knows we all love him." Steve squeezed Pony's shoulder, smiling a little. "And I'm sure I don't need to remind you that me and Sodapop are very different people."

Pony rubbed his eyes, wiping the tears from his face. "I'm sorry for this, Steve."

"Don't worry about it, Kid. You think I haven't cried lately? I have a lot. Especially when Soda has." Steve picked up the car key, sliding it into the ignition. "Now, get out of my car. I have to get to work."

Pony chuckled, as he pushed the passenger door open and climbed out. "See you later, Steve."

"I'll be over tonight, Kid." Steve spoke again, as Pony was about to close the door. "Hey, don't tell anyone about any of this."

Pony heard the car start, as he glanced in the direction of the school. "You mean about that heart you have? I wouldn't dare."

* * *

"I'll be fine, Darry. I want to go back. I can't stay home forever."

Darry drove his truck into the driveway, coming to a stop, before he replied to Soda. "I know. You're right, little buddy. I'm just worried it could still be too soon. And I know, even though you wouldn't tell me that day, it wasn't easy for you the last time you were at the DX."

Soda leaned his head back against the passenger seat, as he looked at Darry. "I really can't lie worth shit, can I?"

"No, you sure can't."

"All right. I did have a flashback at the DX when I went to pick up my car."

"That's what I'm most concerned about."

"But maybe it won't happen again. Maybe I can get used to being there if I just go back."

"I really hope so, little buddy. I want you to be able to go back to work cause I know that's what you want."

"You know what else though, Dar? I have too much time to get lost in my own head, and I know that's not helping me."

"I can see how that could be true too. Just promise me one thing, Sodapop."

"What's that?"

"That you'll take this one step at a time."

* * *

"Hey! What are you doing here, man?"

Soda let the DX station's door close behind him, as he heard Steve's greeting. "Um, I- I just wondered if Mr. Coleman's here cause I saw the doctor today."

Steve saw Soda's eyes dart around the station, and he came from behind the counter to stand in front of his best friend. "Look right here, buddy. Look at me."

Soda's gaze landed on Steve, as he also felt his hand on his shoulder. "He said that I, uh, I can come back on Monday."

"That's good, man." Steve started to walk back toward the counter, Soda following behind him. "What else did he say? Tell me what else you talked about."

Soda looked back at the door, staring out at the parking lot and the gas pumps, then his eyes moved to the refrigerator and the stocked shelves. "He took the rest of the stitches out."

"All right. That's real good."

"And I have a couple of tests on Wednesday for, you know, the nerves. He told me some other stuff too, but-" Soda stopped, as he began to stare at the cash register.

"Sodapop?" An idea forming in his mind, Steve went over to a shelf of snacks and chose two candy bars. He put them down near the register. "Ring these up for me, man."

Soda shook his head. "But I- Last time I touched the register, I-"

"I know, buddy. But you're going to have to anyway. And better it's just me right now."

Soda approached the cash register and looked down at the keys. Noting the price of each candy bar, he tapped on the numbers, ringing one up for ten cents and the second for eight cents.

Steve reached for the change in his pocket, seeing Soda flinch when the cash drawer popped open. "You got this, buddy." He pressed the coins into his best friend's hand, giving it a squeeze, as he did. "Take a deep breath. You're good, man."

Soda took a gulp of air, as he put the dime, the nickel, and pennies in their correct slots and closed the cash drawer.

Steve moved back behind the counter and handed Soda one of the candy bars. "It'll get easier, Sodapop. I promise you it will."

Soda heard the bell ding, signaling a customer's arrival. He watched a man enter the store, as he put his hand to his chest, feeling his heart pounding.

Steve reached for Soda's shoulder and nudged him toward the door that led away from the immediate site of the shooting. "Why don't you go talk to Coleman? He's in the garage."

* * *

Mr. Coleman's pen scribbled his signature on the last page of the paperwork that detailed the repairs performed on a pick-up truck currently in the garage. He was reaching for the next set when he saw Soda step inside. "Hi, Sodapop! How are you?"

Soda made his way toward Mr. Coleman, hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans. "Hi. I'm okay, I guess. I came by to tell you I saw my doctor today. He says I can come back to work on Monday."

"Really? That's great news. I'll be so happy to have you back. I think some of the girls who come in here have been missing you too."

"There's, uh, some things you need to know about though."

"Okay."

"My arm seems to be healing all right, but I might have some nerve damage. I don't know for sure yet cause I have to have tests, but my doctor thinks that's what's going on."

"What does that mean exactly?"

Soda pulled his hands from his pockets and wrapped his arms around his middle. "I have pain in my hand and fingers, or they'll just feel numb or tingly. And, sometimes, it's hard for me to hold onto things. My grip gets really weak."

"I'm so sorry to hear that, Sodapop."

"My doctor is supposed to be able to treat it, but I don't know how yet. I don't always have the symptoms, but there might be some things that are, um, hard for me to do right now."

Mr. Coleman moved closer to Soda and rested a hand on his arm. "Relax. I'll do whatever I can to help you. Anything you need. If there's something you're unable to do, we'll work around it."

Soda nodded, blinking back the tears in his eyes, as he realized how nervous he'd been about telling his boss this information. "My doctor said limited duty at first and that I have to be careful."

"I fully expected that. You're a great worker. We'll figure everything out."

* * *

"Hey, Soda can I talk to you for a minute?"

Soda looked up at Pony, nodding in response to his question. "Sure, little brother. What's on your mind?"

Pony put the novel he'd been reading down on the coffee table and joined Soda on the couch. "I just wanted to tell you I don't know what I'd do without you, and I love you so much."

"I love you too, Pony."

"I've been really worried about you, Soda, and I need you to know I'm here for you, no matter what."

"I know you are. I've always known that. But don't be worried, Pone. I'm dealing with things."

"If you ever want to talk to me about the flashbacks, I can listen. The nightmares too. I know you must need to talk about all that stuff, and I don't want you keeping it inside."

Soda pulled Pony into a hug, squeezing him tight. "Thank you for saying that, little brother. It means a lot to me."

Pony laid his head on Soda's shoulder, closing his eyes, as he hugged him back. Please don't ever hurt yourself, he thought. No matter how bad you feel. We already almost lost you once, and I can't imagine my life without you.

* * *

Soda's left hand gripped Steve's, about to pin his arm down on the kitchen table.

Steve struggled against the hold. "What the hell, man?"

With one last burst of effort, Soda, pushed Steve's hand all the way down, winning the arm wrestling match.

"Damn! I didn't expect that at all."

"I should use my left hand more often, huh? Maybe I'm- What's that word that means you can use both hands to do stuff?"

"Ambidextrous?"

"Yeah! Maybe I'm that."

"Can you write with your left hand?"

"I don't know. I haven't tried. Doubt it though."

"Then, you can't be ambidextrous."

"Well, maybe I just kind of am then. That could end up being useful."

"Or maybe I'm having an off night, and you just got lucky."

Soda propped his elbow up on the table, again offering his hand to Steve. "Or maybe I'm just stronger than you."

Steve gripped Soda's hand with his own, accepting the challenge. "Let's find out, shall we?"

* * *

Nicholas held the phone receiver to his ear, smiling at the sound of Audrey's voice. "All right. I'll pick you up around 6:30 then. I love you. Bye."

* * *

"You're just mad cause I beat you that last time."

Soda took his loss in stride, grinning back at Steve. "Nah. I just think it's nice."

Steve pulled a cigarette from his pack and reached for the lighter. "Huh? It's nice to lose? I took you down, man."

"No. I mean it's nice to goof off like that. I haven't done a whole lot of that lately. It feels good."

* * *

Nicholas sat back against the couch, his conversation with Audrey running over and over in his mind. "Did I just tell her I love her?"

* * *

"Darry told me to take it one step at a time."

Steve took a drag off his cigarette, giving Soda a puzzled look. "He told you to take what one step at a time?"

Soda looked down at his lap, then at his injured arm, picturing what he knew was underneath the bandage. "Going back to work."

"He's right, buddy. That's kind of why I got you to work the register that little bit today."

"I was trying to unlock it."

"Huh?"

"When he shot me, I was trying to unlock it. But I was shaking so bad, I wasn't quick enough."

"From everything you've said, I figured it went something like that."

"Dr. Simons said something like what you did. A couple of things, actually."

Steve took one last puff of his cigarette, before putting it out, focusing only on what Soda was telling him. "Oh? Like what?"

"He wants me to keep the bandage on my arm, so I don't hurt it again."

"Did he have anything else to say about what happened with the stitches?"

"Yeah. He was more concerned about why I did it than the injury. He asked me if the flashbacks happen often."

"What'd you tell him?"

"I said yeah. He gave me a card with a counselor's name and number on it. He told me to call if they keep happening so much after more time goes by."

"How much time?"

"Several weeks. But I really don't want to do that. At all."

"I understand, buddy. But it could end up being a good thing for you. You know it was for me."

"Yeah."

"And you're already a lot better about talking through this than you were."

Soda, acknowledging the truth in Steve's words, couldn't keep from smiling. "Mostly cause you and Darry are so pushy. Especially you."

Steve laughed and gave Soda a shove. "Well, I'll take that as a compliment."


	12. Chapter 12

A/N Hi! So this chapter is really special for a few different reasons, and I very much want to go ahead and post it and take a break for at least a few weeks (from posting, not writing:)). The longest scene of dialogue I've ever done is here, and it's an incredibly important one for the story. Also, I wrote parts of it right when everyone's worlds began to get affected and turned upside down by the continuing spread of the coronavirus, and I think some of the lines are a reflection of my own inner thoughts over what our country is facing. I was proofreading this with tears in my eyes because there are pieces of it I remember writing just as it was beginning to hit me what's happening. That was just the beginning for my own state at the time, and I'm so very thankful for my writing and this community, this universe we can all escape into to get away from a situation that isn't going to end for many months. So enjoy! My heart finds such refuge in creating this world!

Ribbons of compassion wound through their hearts, truth and authenticity tying them together in the unifying covenant of perfect love.

The steps moved forward and then backward, the braided links of attachment and affection becoming the source of solace and salvation.

* * *

"So what are you two doing tonight?"

Nicholas buttoned up his navy blue silk dress shirt, as he spoke to Steve. "Just going out for pizza."

Steve touched the sleeve of his dad's shirt. "This is the one I gave you at Christmas. It's nice for a pizza joint, isn't it?"

"I like to look nice for Audrey."

Steve eyed Nicholas' face, noticing the stubble that was nearly always there as of late. "You don't shave much anymore."

Nicholas ran his fingers along his cheek and chin. "Audrey likes it like this."

Steve smiled, as he put his arm around Nicholas' shoulders. "Man, you're falling hard, Dad."

Nicholas, his mind drifting back to his last phone call with Audrey, looked at himself in the dresser's mirror. I would say you're absolutely right, Son, he thought. Except, I've already fallen.

* * *

"Damn, this thing itches."

Darry heard Soda's complaint and saw him fidgeting with his bandage. "Don't even try to scratch it, little buddy. Dr. Simons gave you some cream for that."

Soda resisted the urge to attempt to relieve the wound's itching with his fingernails, as he searched the bag Dr. Simons had given him the day before. He pulled out a tube of cream and removed the cap, before breaking the safety seal.

Darry watched, as Soda stripped off the medical tape and removed the bandage, then lathered cream all over the still-healing area. "Take it easy, Sodapop."

"You have no idea how much it itches, Dar. And if I scratch it, I might hurt something."

"You remember to take your antibiotic today?"

"Yes, Sir, big brother. Yes, Sir. I did as I was told."

"Keep talking like that, and I'm going to be looking for you to salute me."

The front door swung open, then the brothers heard the sound of Steve's voice. "Hey, Sodapop, are you going out with Penny tonight, or can we-"

Soda put the cap back on the tube of cream, able to feel the medicine begin to soothe the discomfort. "Hey, Stevie. What were you about to say?"

Steve stared at Soda, but his eyes weren't looking at his face. "I, um, I need to go back outside."

Soda watched, as Steve turned around and walked back out the door. "What was that about?"

Darry looked out the window at Steve, seeing him leaning on the porch railing, hands gripping it tight. "I'm not sure."

* * *

Audrey picked up a slice of pizza, the aroma of cheese and pepperoni drifting into her nose. "This looks so good."

Nicholas gazed at Audrey, who wore a knee-length lavender dress, light makeup completing her outfit. "I think you look even better tonight."

"Are you comparing me to the pizza?"

Nicholas' mouth dropped open, realizing how he'd sounded. "No! Of course not. I just mean you look great tonight. You look beautiful."

Audrey laughed, seeing how red Nicholas' face had become. "I was just kidding! But thank you. You look handsome tonight yourself."

* * *

"Hey, Steve, what's up, man?"

Steve still gripped the porch railing, his knuckles nearly white, as he tried to find his way around Soda's question. "Nothing's up. I think I'm okay. I just needed some air."

Soda sat down on the swing, able to hear Steve's persistently deep breaths. "You sound like you're almost having a panic attack."

Steve tried to will the tension away, glancing at Soda to see the bandage was now back on his arm. "I'm not though. I'm calming down. I'll be fine."

"I haven't seen you like this in a while."

Steve's mind flashed, an image mixing with the feeling of guilt he still held inside. He closed his eyes, the air nearly sucked from his lungs. He felt Soda beside him, then a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

Steve took a shallow breath, his voice quiet and growing choked. "I wasn't- I wasn't there for you. I-"

Soda took hold of both of Steve's shoulders, guiding him back toward the swing. "Just sit down. Relax and catch your breath."

Steve felt the familiar numbness in his hands that had occurred before during an episode of panic. Slow breaths, he reminded himself. Take slow breaths.

"Easy, buddy. I think you got it. Calm down before you try to talk anymore though."

It'll pass, Steve told himself. It always does. Just keep breathing.

* * *

"I hope he didn't offend you or anything by saying that. Actually, I hope I didn't offend you cause I sort of brought it up, didn't I?"

Audrey finished her slice of pizza, using a napkin to wipe sauce from her mouth, as she responded to Nicholas' question. "Oh. No. Of course not. I thought it was funny."

Nicholas thanked the waiter, who had come over to refill their glasses, then served himself a second slice of pizza. "You seem to have a great sense of humor. I really love that about you."

"Like you said the first night we went out, it feels good to laugh."

* * *

"I know we've had a lot of real serious talks lately, man. But I gotta know what you meant."

Steve knew what Soda was referring to, even though he now wished he could take the words back. "I shouldn't have said anything. Damn, stuff just pours out of me sometimes now."

Soda empathized with the frustrated feeling, even as he defended the necessity. "Cause it needs to come out. That's how I've been, and you've listened to it all so far. What do you mean you weren't there for me? When has that ever been true?"

"I left, Sodapop. I left you alone."

"Left me? What are you talking about?"

"The DX. The night of the shooting. I left you."

"You didn't know anything was going to happen."

Steve jumped to his feet, crossing the porch. "But I should've been there!"

Soda followed his best friend, the words falling over him, as the very idea of Steve also being a victim of this situation made his heart twist inside his chest. "No! Don't say that! You could've gotten shot too, and you've been through enough shit, Stevie. You don't need more!"

"But you were alone. You could've died, and I had just left!"

"And, like I already told you, I'm so glad you left. It's not like you could've stopped it. Have you been feeling like this ever since that night?"

"Yeah. I have. Even before you got out of surgery, I felt like I let you down."

"But you didn't let me down. Damn, buddy, you barely left my side in the hospital. And you've been here getting me to talk about all this stuff when I didn't think I ever could. You've sat and cried with me cause of how I've been feeling. So please don't think you let me down or you haven't been there for me. Cause that's not true at all."

* * *

"It's such a nice night for a walk."

Nicholas took Audrey's hand, leading her along the sidewalk. "It sure is."

Audrey looked around, seeing the darkening evening sky above an area of Tulsa that buzzed with Friday night activity. Cars moved up and down the street. Couples and friends headed toward the pizza place, the bowling alley, and the drive-in theater. "So where should we go next?"

"I was thinking we could just walk til it gets darker, then find a place to sit up under the stars."

Audrey laid her head against Nicholas' shoulder, as she squeezed his hand. "That sounds romantic."

* * *

"I went to the hospital chapel when you were in surgery. I prayed for you to be okay, obviously, but I also told God I think I know how you must've felt now."

Soda sat across from Steve, two half-full mugs of hot chocolate and a deck of cards between them. "What do you mean? How I must've felt when?"

Steve leaned his head on the wall, looking out Soda's bedroom window, the view of the Curtis' yard staring back at him. "When I overdosed. When I could've died."

"Oh."

"I mean, I know I'm the one who did that to myself, and somebody else hurt you. But still."

"I get it, man."

"The day you came home from the hospital, I saw Laura and cried so much. I told her what happened, and before I knew it, I was telling her how bad I felt for not being there with you."

"I remember I could tell you'd been crying when you came over that day."

"Yeah. But it wasn't even really just that. I cried because knowing you got shot... It hurt, man, and it scared the hell out of me. I won't ever forget Darry telling me what happened or sitting there in the hospital. Even though I knew you were alive, I still worried you wouldn't make it."

Soda scooted across the floor, so he was beside Steve, as he saw tears filling his eyes. "I know the feeling, buddy."

"And I hated to think about some bastard shooting at you, hurting you like that, scaring you."

"That's why I'm glad you weren't there, Stevie. I get the guilt, man. You know I do. But please don't feel bad for not being there with me. I wouldn't want what's in my head right now to be in yours too. Especially not with everything you've already been through."

Steve turned his head to look at Soda, then lifted a hand to touch the bandage on his arm. "When I came in earlier, you didn't have this on."

"It was itching real bad, and I had to put some cream on it."

"That was the first time I've seen it, Sodapop."

"That's why you had to go back outside."

"I haven't told you this, but I'm so sorry it happened. So sorry you got hurt. I'd go back to that night and change it all for you if I could."

"I know you would, man."

"And if I could stop the flashbacks and everything, I'd do that too. I hate seeing you have to deal with those or with any of it."

"It is hard. I'm not sure I even got what you meant before about how real they seem."

"I sure never wanted you to have to either, buddy."

"I'm going to have to talk about all of it, ain't I? To make them ever get better?"

"I think so, man. That's why I told you I'm here when you're ready. But you have been talking a little at a time."

Soda looked out his window at the fallen night, remembering the image of the mask that had danced in the dark. His gaze dropped to the bandage on his arm, as he thought of the bullet, the bloody wound, and the pulled out stitches. "I think I'm ready now."

* * *

Nicholas tucked Audrey's auburn hair behind her ear. "My son is right."

Audrey leaned closer to Nicholas, breathing in the scent of his cologne. "Right about what?"

Nicholas tilted Audrey's chin up, his lips about to meet hers. "I am falling in love with you."

* * *

"Hey, Dad. How was the date? You kiss her again?"

Nicholas watched Steve move about his bedroom, a bag in his hand. "It was nice, Son. And yeah, I did. You going somewhere?"

Steve tucked a shirt into the bag, along with a pair of socks. "I'm going to stay at Soda's tonight."

"Is something going on?"

"Kind of. He wants to talk, and I know he needs that. So I want to give him plenty of time."

* * *

"Yeah, I guess we're going to stay up late, eat junk food, and talk like a couple of chicks."

Soda rolled his eyes at Steve's comment, as he filled a bowl with potato chips. "But if you guys hear any giggling coming from my room in the middle of the night, please come in and knock us both out."

Darry chuckled, helping himself to a handful of potato chips. "Gladly, little buddy."

Steve flicked a chip at Soda. "Hey, speak for yourself, man. Besides, I do not _giggle."_

Pony grabbed a chip from the bowl, as he looked at Steve. "Nah. Of course not. You have such a manly laugh."

Steve swatted at Pony's head, but missed when he ducked. He moved forward and grabbed him in a headlock. "All right, smartass. Got anything else to say?"

Pony struggled against the hold. "Yeah. When was the last time you took a shower?"

* * *

Soda took a long swallow from his glass of milk. "So what do you think, man? Should I keep it?"

Steve smirked at his friend, seeing the milk mustache on his face. "Yeah. You should keep it. It really suits you."

Soda wiped the milk away with his sleeve and put the glass down on the floor beside him. "So how do I do this? I ain't even sure where to start."

"Just tell me what you did after I left."

"I did what we always do. Swept the floor. Straightened stuff up, cleaned off the counter. I talked to Darry, and he said he was about to be on his way. I remember it was real quiet. The only thing I could hear was myself whistling."

Steve braced himself internally, as he pictured the DX free of noise and Soda doing what they did on any typical work night, unaware tragedy was about to take a swing at him and miss.

"When I heard the door open, I didn't even have time to wonder who it was before-"

Steve stayed close to Soda, reading the hesitation on his face and able to see the sadness that permeated his features. "You can take it slow, buddy. There's no rush. That's why I'm staying the night."

Soda saw the robber in his mind's eye, as he picked up the glass of milk, slowly sipping it. He focused on the cold drink, its smooth texture and taste moving into his mouth and going down his throat. "I looked, and he was there, pointing the gun at me and yelling, telling me to give him the money."

Steve put his hand on Soda's back, the touch one of comfort, as well as a tangible connection to the present.

Soda took a few potato chips from the bowl near his feet, the ridges crunching between his teeth, as the salty taste created a brief distraction. "You heard me earlier, right?"

"Huh? Heard what?"

"What I said about you feeling guilty cause you left. I didn't just say it to make you feel better. I mean it, man. I'm glad you were at home. Not even just glad. Thankful."

"I do hear you, buddy."

"Well, hang onto that. Please. I don't want you getting all messed up over it."

"I'm trying, man. It means a lot for you to say all that though. Really."

"You've been through enough guilt you didn't deserve."

"Laura actually told me she thinks one of the reasons I've felt like I have is because of, you know, everything else. When I heard you'd been shot, I couldn't fix it. I couldn't control what was happening any more than I could when I was a kid."

Soda drew Steve closer and hugged him. "I don't want you to hurt cause of this, buddy. Please know that."

Steve leaned into the embrace. "I do know that. I'm listening to you, okay? I can't make this feeling just go away, but it helps I could tell you about it."

Soda pulled away, pushing back the tears in his eyes. "Damn. I don't think my brothers are going to hear any giggling coming out of here tonight."

"Hey, like I already said, I do not giggle."

"Whatever, man. I've heard you."

"Yeah, yeah."

Soda picked up the deck of cards, his fingers fidgeting with the edges, before splitting it into halves, then thirds to partially shuffle them. "I heard him yelling at me and just kind of stared at him at first. I sort of froze, I guess. I won't ever forget that mask, Stevie. It's stuck in my head forever. You know how I had the oxygen mask in the hospital? And how TwoBit was goofing off with it that one time?"

"Yeah. I remember."

"That bothered me. I mean, his face wasn't totally covered, but it was enough to make me think of it."

"You did look like something bugged you right before you went back to sleep that night."

"I didn't even like seeing it was getting dark outside, man. Just knowing it was night made me scared. Anyway, I froze, but then, he yelled at me again, telling me to hurry up. I got the key to unlock the cash register."

Steve took in Soda's words, his own mind painting a picture of the scene he was describing. He saw his best friend close his eyes, then reached for his hand, holding it in a gentle, but steady, gesture of reassurance. "I'm right here with you, Soda. And I'm not going anywhere tonight."

Soda could feel himself shaking, as he talked through the memory, the fear still as palpable as it had been the night of the shooting. "I was trying. I really was. But I couldn't get the key in the lock cause I was shaking so much. I remember him telling me not to think he wouldn't shoot me. But I didn't think that. It was the only thing I could think about at all, and I was so scared. I told Darry I've never been that scared, and I really haven't."

Steve squeezed Soda's hand and felt him squeeze back. "I know you were scared, buddy."

Soda leaned forward and laid his head down on his lap, his grip on Steve's hand growing tighter. "I remember thinking he was going to shoot me in the chest or something, and I'd die right there."

Steve outwardly cringed at the image that created, picturing Soda in the middle of the DX with a bullet in his chest, not breathing, his heart struggling to keep beating. No, he told himself. Don't go there. Keep listening to him. He needs it. He needs you.

"He yelled at me some more, said he was done with me. I had just gotten the key in the damn lock." Soda let go of Steve's hand and drew his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. "I can't do this, Stevie. I can't."

Steve remained beside Soda, and put his arm over his shoulders. Bowing his head, he found what he wanted to do most came naturally. "God, please touch Soda. He needs you right now. I know you see how much he's hurting and how he's trying to talk through all these memories that keep bothering him. So please bring him some peace. I'm doing everything I can, God. I'm here to listen, to hug him, to remind him I couldn't love him more if we did share blood. I want him to know I wouldn't be here without him."

Soda listened to Steve's prayer, the words touching his heart, as he felt his best friend's head leaning on his shoulder.

"I'm not even sure exactly what to pray for, but I have to tell you that I'm so thankful Soda's here. I'm so thankful he lived and that he's not hurt worse. And I know you don't just make pain disappear, but you do help us get through it. So please do that, God. Give him strength, and help him feel better inside."

Soda turned his head to look at Steve, the openness in the prayer helping him find his voice to speak within the turmoil of memories too vivid to escape. "I heard him cock the gun, then I heard the shot."

Steve rubbed Soda's shoulder, as he lifted his head up to see his face.

"I felt the bullet hit me, and I couldn't think or anything. I just knew it hurt real bad. I remember ending up on the floor and seeing him take the money out of the register. I was kind of afraid he'd shoot me again too."

Steve saw tears fall out of Soda's eyes, and acting purely on an impulse to comfort him, used his thumb to wipe them away. "It's okay, man. You're safe now."

Soda shifted, so he sat cross-legged, exhaling shakily. "I was bleeding so much, and I remember thinking I needed help. I wasn't close to the phone, and I just couldn't move to try to get up or anything."

"And you knew Darry was on his way too."

"Yeah. I haven't said this to him, but if he'd gotten there much sooner, he would've walked right into it. I'm glad that didn't happen. Thankful. Just like what I said about you being at home."

"I know, buddy. I just hate so much that you were alone even for a little bit, while you were hurt like that."

"I was sitting there and pressing my hand against my arm, but it didn't help the bleeding. I remember wondering if I could die from it, even though I didn't get shot in the head or the chest or anywhere like that. The way it felt and looked, I was sure I could. I even thought I might."

Steve, the impulse to comfort rising again, put his arms around Soda, the thought that he could've lost his best friend making him never want to let go. "I feel like I could tell you over and over how glad I am that you're okay, and it'll never be enough. There are just no words for it."

Soda held onto Steve, words of reminiscence falling from his lips, before he could stop them. "I felt like that too when you were in the hospital. But there was so much I wanted to say to you and didn't."

"Like what, man?"

"I- Maybe I shouldn't have said that. I already told you what I needed to that day in the church when I was still so scared and sad about what happened."

"Yeah, and you said a lot then. What else was there?"

"Just... Things I couldn't say when you were trying to recover."

Steve pulled away from the hug, but stayed close to Soda. "I'm not trying to recover now."

"I was just so glad you were going to be okay, and I wanted you to know I was still there for you. I didn't want to hurt you more."

"You don't have to tell me, Soda. But you usually don't bring up stuff if you don't need to say more about it."

Soda looked down at his lap, realizing their conversation was shifting in a direction he hadn't anticipated. "I- I guess I've kind of been thinking about when, um, I went to see you in the hospital the first time and the things you said to me then."

"Okay. Why?"

"Cause I think I might understand them better now."

"How so, man?"

"Don't get me wrong, Stevie, cause I know what you went through was going on for so much longer, and you had all that inside you felt and never even got to-"

Steve stopped Soda with a hand on his arm. "It's not a contest, buddy."

"But it was so much worse, and you couldn't talk or-"

"Soda, just tell me. I'm not taking anything you say like that."

"I mean, I guess I can see how you could feel like you'd never get better and how you'd just want to make it stop. I know it ain't the same kind of pain or anything, and I haven't had the flashbacks for that long, but I understand in a way I couldn't before now."

"Like I've already said, it's all different, but that doesn't mean it's not hard. I don't think it has to take a long time to feel overwhelmed either when you're dealing with something like this, man."

"The thoughts I told you I've had, they're what make me think about seeing you in the hospital. They make me remember the things I felt like saying and couldn't."

"Okay."

"When you were talking to me and still feeling so bad because of" Soda paused, looking up at Steve to gauge his reaction to his words. "what you did, I remember thinking that if you had died, you really never could get better. It would be the worst thing that could happen cause we couldn't help you anymore. You'd have just been gone."

Steve was silent for a few moments, allowing himself to feel Soda's words sink in, the truths going deep down to touch his soul.

Soda stared at Steve, contemplating finding a way to apologize for bringing up a subject that would forever affect his best friend. "We don't have to talk about this. It was just something I thought of. I don't mean to-"

Steve cut into Soda's retraction, shaking his head, as he once again reached for his hand. "Buddy, you're right. None of that is what I would've needed to hear in the hospital, but you're not wrong at all."

"So when I have those thoughts, I tell myself the same things. Cause I want to remember dying wouldn't be better. I couldn't heal at all then. If he had killed me, I wouldn't even have a chance to get through this."

"That's right, man."

"And if I died, instead of waking up in the morning, if I wasn't here anymore, I couldn't talk to you about all of this. I couldn't try going back to work. I wouldn't get to see if I can recover at all."

"Exactly. And just like you said, we couldn't all help you. You _can _recover too, buddy. I know you can."

Soda could still feel Steve's hand wrapped around his own, as he went back to the night of the shooting, picking up where he'd left off. "I won't ever forget any of it, really, but hearing Darry's voice... I knew he'd help me. It was like he didn't even have to think too."

"I'm sure he didn't have to. It's you, Sodapop. Doing everything he could had to be automatic."

"Yeah. I know. But it felt good, I guess. I mean, just to have him there did, then knowing he was trying to stop the bleeding and calling for help made me not as scared. I don't remember it all, but I do remember him sitting there and holding me."

"I swear every time I call him Superman now, I'm going to think of this."

"I kind of remember being in the ambulance and all, but not that much. I even sort of remember being in the emergency room, but I felt pretty out of it and still so in shock over what happened. It didn't feel real, you know? None of it did."

"I can dig that feeling too. I don't think bad stuff ever does feel real at first. It's like it hurts too much, so it has to be that way until we can handle it."

"I still wake up and kind of feel this jolt when I realize it did happen. I really _did _get shot."

"I know I ain't you, man, but sometimes, I've felt that too. It feels weird cause it'll just hit me again that it really happened to you."

Soda looked over at his injured arm, then pulled his other hand out of Steve's grip to touch the bandage. "I know how lucky I was. I do. But I don't ever forget cause I can't. This makes it impossible."

"That's going to heal up a lot more, man. And they'll treat whatever damage there is, so it'll feel better too."

"I hope so. But I'll always have a scar."

"You know what a scar means though? That you survived. You lived to tell the story."

Soda couldn't help the smile that crossed his face, a touch of amusement beginning to lighten up his features. "That's deep, man."

"Hey, I guess I've learned a few things lately."

Soda's expression faltered, the honesty they'd chosen to dive into for the night coming back to the forefront of his mind. "The day I pulled on those stitches, I really didn't mean to. But I think there might've been more to it."

"More to it? Like what?"

"Like maybe because the wound is this reminder of what happened to me, the memories of the shooting made me want to-" Soda cut off his own thought, attempting to dismiss it. "No. Never mind. It sounds crazy, and it makes me sound crazy too."

"Do you think you did that because you wish you could get rid of it? Like it's bothering you it's there, so that made you want to, I don't know. Do something, anything, to it?"

"Yeah. Pretty much. It sounds like I'm really fuckin' crazy, doesn't it?"

"No. It doesn't. Damn. Look what I did. I tried to kill myself, so I couldn't remember the abuse anymore. I tried to make my _life_ go away, man. Pain will make you want to do whatever it seems like you can."

A smile found its way to Soda's face once more, though tears were shining in his eyes. "And I thought I was supposed to be the one who understands people the best."

Steve smiled back at his best friend, while resting a hand on his shoulder. "Like I said, I've learned a few things lately."

"A few? I think you've learned a lot, Stevie."

"Yeah. I guess I have. Hey, why don't we grab a drink and go outside for a while? I think we both could use it."

* * *

Samuel's eyelids were heavy, as he underlined the verses in chapter 41 of Isaiah: "...Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you. I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

* * *

"Do you really believe I can recover?"

Steve didn't even have to contemplate Soda's question, his response certain, as he stood with his elbows propped on the porch railing. "Of course I do, man." He took a swallow from his can of Pepsi, before joining his best friend on the swing. "I don't just know you can, I know you will."

Soda played their conversation back in his mind, going over the memories and feelings he'd shared. He recognized the meaning in those moments, as he breathed in the night air. "What if they still don't get better? What if I still have the flashbacks?"

"Buddy, it's going to take more than one conversation. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. I know."

"But you're going to be able to cope with them better, if you're not keeping it all inside. I can promise you that."

"I'm just really hoping it won't happen as much now."

"Me too, man. I hoping for that too." Steve looked out at the front yard, the words of his earlier prayer fresh in his mind, as his gaze shifted up, at the same time he touched Soda's shoulder. "And I'm praying for that. I'm praying for it right now."

* * *

Samuel sought guidance in the words of Jesus himself: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."


	13. Chapter 13

The night ambled along, its stride not broken by the memories and truths that had been unlocked within the trust and safety of brotherhood.

* * *

Steve turned over on his side, his eyes opening slightly, before he mumbled to himself. "Who the hell turned on the lamp?" He opened his eyes all the way, yawning, as he saw Soda sleeping in the recliner that wasn't far from the couch he currently occupied. "What are you doing out here, man?" Steve's eyes drifted closed again, slumber reclaiming him, before his thoughts could venture any further.

"Don't. Please just go."

Steve heard Soda's voice and forced his eyes back open to see his best friend.

"No. Don't shoot me. Please don't."

Steve sat up then, watching Soda move from one side of the recliner to the other, before he curled up on it, hiding himself from the threat that existed within his dream state.

"Please help me. It won't stop. I need help."

Steve, despite his drowsiness, lifted himself off the couch and went over to Soda. He could see the distressed expression on his friend's face, as his voice still whimpered pleas. He kneeled down next to the recliner, a gentle hand on his back, as he spoke gently. "It's okay, buddy. It's just a dream."

Soda pressed himself into the back of the recliner, his hands gripping it. "It hurts. He shot me!"

Steve stood and moved to the arm of the recliner, leaning close to Soda's face. "Wake up, man. You're dreaming. It's over."

Soda's eyes opened, his gaze locking with Steve's.

"You're okay, I promise. You're safe, buddy."

Soda felt his body begin to relax and reached for the blanket he'd kicked off of himself. "Sorry I woke you up."

Steve watched as Soda adjusted himself and stretched his legs out on the foot rest. "It's okay. Why are you sleeping in here?"

"I do that sometimes, if I keep waking up a lot. I'll move around and stay awake for a little while, then sleep somewhere else."

"Did you turn on the lamp cause of the nightmares?"

"Yeah. It's like I'm a little kid afraid of the dark."

Steve made his way back to the couch, stretching out on it. "It makes sense though, man. You know I'm not exactly a huge fan of the dark myself."

"You can turn it off if you want."

Steve looked at the lamp, then at Soda, who seemed to be drifting back to sleep, before closing his eyes himself. "Nah. It ain't bothering me. We can leave it on." If a little light helps you, he thought. There's no way I would turn it off.

* * *

Light shone through at the break of dawn, as not a single burden was left to be beared alone.

* * *

"Those two probably stayed up half the night."

Darry nodded in agreement with Pony's comment, as he looked at the two sleeping teenage boys in his living room. "Yeah, they probably did. But I'm sure they had a lot to talk about too."

Pony poured milk into his bowl of Apple Jacks, as he eyed his middle brother. Soda was curled up in the recliner, his head pressed into the arm of it, a blanket covering his legs and feet. "He must've been tired to sleep there."

Darry poured coffee into a mug, before setting the pot back in its place. He sipped the hot black liquid, the bitterness helping him wake up. "He's out, so he must need it too."

Pony's gaze drifted over to Steve, who slept on the couch. He lie flat on his back, his mouth partially open, a blanket draped over his middle. "Steve's out of it too. You know what, Dar? He's not so bad at all. I'm sorry I ever believed he was or thought I didn't like him."

"You guys just didn't always get along, Pone. That's all. But I think you two have always wanted the same thing."

"I mean, I never thought Steve was really a bad guy or anything. He's Soda's best friend, so that couldn't be. But talking to him lately, I guess I understand him better. He's honestly good to talk to about stuff." Pony used his spoon to stir his cereal, red and green loops swirling along in the milk, as he scooped up a bite. "And I sure never saw that coming."

* * *

"Hey, wake up, buddy."

Soda hardly stirred a the sound of Steve's voice, sleep still keeping its grip on him.

Steve sighed and lifted the blanket off of Soda, drawing it up to tuck it around his shoulders.

Soda's eyes blinked open to slits, seeing Steve in front of him. "Hey, man."

Steve watched his best friend's eyes shut again. "Hey. Sorry, man. I'll leave you alone. It's just I have to go soon, and I wanted to check on you."

"I'm okay, Stevie. Just tired."

Steve perched on the arm of the recliner, opposite of where Soda lie. "All right, man. I just wanted to see cause we talked about so much last night."

"Yeah. It was a lot."

Steve touched the blanket that covered Soda, rubbing his shoulder through the material. "I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to make sure you're not too overwhelmed."

"Hmm...I don't think I am."

"Okay." Steve stared at Soda, everything they'd both spoken the night before weighing on him, though he was without words at the moment.

"You have to go to work in a little while?"

"Yeah. So I've got a few things to do first."

"Okay."

Steve squeezed Soda's shoulder, then leaned down and kissed the side of his head. "Get some rest, brother. I'll see you later."

* * *

"Hey, Son, I'm going to see Audrey for a few minutes. But I'll be back before you have to head to work."

Steve chuckled at Nicholas' declaration. "Yeah, right, Dad. No way I'll see you again that soon if you're with her."

Nicholas finished tying his shoe, then picked up the keys to his car. "Well, she's working today, but I thought I'd stop by and bring her some flowers and- I can't believe I just told you that."

"Told me what? That you're bringing her flowers? I think it's sweet, Dad."

"And here I thought you'd make fun of me for that."

"Oh. I will later. Just not right now."

"Hey, how'd it go at Sodapop's last night? I meant to ask sooner?"

"He talked a lot. He told me everything about the night of the shooting and even more besides that. We talked for a long time."

"That's good. I know that must help him to share it."

"I told him about how I've felt guilty too. I mean earlier, before I even came home to get my stuff to stay the night. But we talked about it some more later. Soda said he doesn't want me hurting over this, and he's thankful I wasn't there."

"That must help you too, Son."

"Yeah, it actually does. Especially when he told me to hang onto what he said. He doesn't want me thinking I wasn't there for him or that I let him down."

Nicholas got to his feet, keys in hand, as he touched Steve's shoulder. "That's cause you didn't, Son, and you are there for him. You're both there for each other."

* * *

"Aw, they're beautiful, Nicholas. I love them."

Nicholas handed Audrey the bouquet of a dozen red roses, watching as she admired them. "I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you."

Audrey held the roses close to her face, breathing in their sweet scent. "Thank you so much."

Nicholas took the seat across from Audrey, looking around the bookstore, where she worked. "I've only been in here a few times before."

Audrey set the bouquet carefully down on the table, where she'd recently eaten her lunch. "I've always loved books, so it's nice to be around them all the time. I like it."

Nicholas looked at the shelves of books, noticing the labeled sections held everything from biographies to mysteries and romance. "I really like being around you all the time."

"I feel the same way about you." Audrey touched the petals of one of the roses, the velvety texture brushing her fingers. "In fact, even though it's so soon for me to say this, I love you."

* * *

"I was tired, Dar. I kept dreaming, and me and Steve talked about everything last night. It took a lot out of me."

Darry watched, as Soda made himself a peanut butter sandwich, noticing when he moved the knife from his right hand to his left, though he didn't comment on it. "I hope that's a good thing, little buddy."

Soda put the lid back on the jar of peanut butter, leaving it out on the counter. "It is. I guess so anyway. It's not like I feel great or anything, but getting all that out, saying it outloud, it felt kinda good. Once I really started talking, I thought I'd never stop."

"I'm glad, Pepsi Cola."

Soda took a bite of his sandwich, chewing for a few moments. "Hey, Darry?"

"Yeah?"

"I know you wanted me to talk to you, and I will. I'm not trying to keep stuff from you or anything like that."

"That's not what I think at all, Sodapop."

"It's just... Because there are things I know Steve understands, but not that I think you wouldn't or-"

"It's fine, little buddy. I already know, and I can see why you'd talk to Steve. You don't have to explain."

"But I still just want you to know I'm going to tell you more too, Dar. I promise."

* * *

"You did come back soon, Dad."

Nicholas dropped into a chair in the kitchen, a mixture of joy and fear overwhelming his senses, as he looked at Steve, who was clad in his DX uniform. "Yeah, I guess I did."

Steve stared at Nicholas, noticing the stricken expression on his face. "Did something happen?"

"Audrey said she loves me."

"Oh. You look like you're in shock, Dad. Are you okay?"

"I don't know. I mean, I'm happy. She makes me happy."

"Yeah. I've sure been able to see that."

"I told her I love her on the phone a couple of days ago. I just said it without even thinking."

"Probably cause it's true."

"But we just started seeing each other."

"That doesn't mean it can't be true." Steve scooted a chair over and sat down close to Nicholas. "Dad, I know I tease you a lot about Audrey, but I want to tell you something important right now. Not just about her, but about you."

"Okay, Son."

"I don't know if this is going to sound weird or not, but I'm just going to say it. Me and you, we've done a lot of talking about how we feel and stuff like that, right?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"Dad, when you say something to me, when you tell me anything, I always know you mean it. No matter what, everything comes from your heart. So when you talk about Audrey, and you get that look on your face or when you're with her and you smile, it's real."

"Of course it is."

"So when you say you love her, I know that must be real too. Everything about you is so genuine, Dad. I see that, no matter what we're doing or talking about, even when it's hard. I feel like I could go on and on about it too cause it helps me a lot. I mean, I've not even sure how to explain it, except to say you make me feel safe."

Nicholas met Steve's eyes, at a momentary loss for words, even as a feeling of warmth spread throughout his heart. "Son, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear that. All of it."

"It's true. So yeah, it is soon for you to say you love Audrey, but I know you must mean it cause you wouldn't say it if it didn't come straight from your heart."

* * *

Penny's fingers touched the heart shaped gold locket that hung around her neck. "So you go for the tests on Wednesday?"

Soda picked up a small rock and threw it into the lake that stretched out in front of them, making the water ripple. "Yeah. Maybe after that, my doctor can do something to help."

"I'm sure he can."

Soda felt the wind blow, as he lie back on the grass, hands resting behind his head. "I don't know. I'm kind of nervous about it cause what if he gives me medicine or something, and it still doesn't get better?"

Penny lie down beside Soda, her elbow propping her up, the heart shaped locket dangling just above the grass. "From what you've told me about your doctor, he sounds like he knows what he's doing and like he's seen all of this before."

"Yeah. I guess it's just scary, on top of everything else, to have something wrong that might not ever go away. There's so much already bothering me, and it's a lot harder to deal with it when I never can forget what happened. Besides, it's not like I'm good at a lot, you know?"

"What are you talking about?"

Soda stared at the sky above him, the clouds still within the backdrop of blue lit up by the sun. "I mean, I'm good with cars and stuff like that. But not anything else, and it's going to be hard for me if I can't hold onto stuff, or if my hand and fingers hurt."

"Not anything else, huh? Sodapop, that's not true."

"Sure it is. I ain't smart like Pony or Darry. I don't understand things the way they do. That's why I was okay with dropping out of school to help out. Not like it would matter."

"Please don't say that. You are smart. Grades and books don't mean everything. I couldn't fix a car or anything like that, and you know what you're the best with?"

"What?"

"People. Listening. Being understanding."

"That's not so hard."

"Because it comes naturally to you. That's one reason your brothers and your friends love you so much. Besides, you're not only good at your job because you know how to fix cars. You do other things too."

"Yeah. Like pumping gas and changing oil and stuff like that. It doesn't take a lot of smarts to clean a windshield."

"No, I mean you're there with customers, with people, and they like you. Your boss likes you. Steve and your other coworkers like working with you. You know why that is?"

"Well, Coleman's a good guy. He's nice to everyone, and Steve is my best friend."

"Of course, but it's also because you work hard, and you do whatever's needed."

"That's cause it's my job."

"Sure. But why do you think Mr. Coleman is willing to help you if you need it and be flexible?"

"Cause he feels bad I got shot on the clock."

"Even so. You're a good worker, Sodapop. He doesn't want to let you go, even if some things might be different now."

"When I told him I might have nerve damage, I was so afraid of what he would say to me. I mean, it's not like I can't do my job at all, but still."

Penny put her hand on Soda's cheek, seeing his eyes that held within them a layer of discouragement she hoped to soothe. "I think Mr. Coleman knows what we all know."

"What's that?"

Penny held Soda's gaze, their eyes locked together in the harmony of truths that was reverberating across the pages of his life. "That you can't be replaced."

* * *

Steve's feet moved across the floor of the DX, just as his last customer made her way out the door. He heard the sound of the phone ringing, followed by Mr. Coleman's typical cheerful greeting, as he reshelved the magazines, restoring their order.

"Sodapop? Are you okay?"

Steve turned to look at Mr. Coleman, both the tone of his voice and the apparent caller startling him from his work routine.

"Yeah. Just hang on a minute. He's right here."

Steve went back across the station, taking the phone receiver that Mr. Coleman held out to him and pressing it to his ear. "Soda? Is something wrong?"

Soda's voice came over the line, the sound sending a shiver up Steve's spine. "I'm sorry, Stevie. I know you're at work, but something's not right."

"What do you mean?"

"It won't stop. I can't get it to stop."

"You can't get what to stop, buddy? What's happening?"

"I feel funny, and I can't stop shaking all over."

"Where's Darry?"

"I-I don't know. Not here. No one's here. I'm alone. I'm all alone."

"Just hang on, buddy, and tell me what's going on."

"It hurts, Stevie. I can't stop it."

"What hurts, Soda? What do you mean?"

Mr. Coleman went over to Steve, meeting his eyes with his own. "Steve. Go. Just go check on him."

Steve nodded at his boss, as he spoke into the phone. "Soda, I'm coming over there, okay? I'll see you in a few minutes."

* * *

It's not real. There's nothing here.

_Please don't. Please don't shoot me. I'm trying to get the money._

But it is real.

_I'm not here. This can't be happening. It hurts. I'm bleeding everywhere. Please don't come back._

My chest hurts. I can't breathe.

He's here. It's here. It's always with me.

* * *

Steve pushed open the door to the Curtis' house and stepped inside, his voice low, as he called for his best friend. "Hey, Sodapop? Where are you, man?" He wandered farther inside, going into the living room to find Soda on the floor, legs curled underneath him, as he huddled close to the wall, arms covering his head that was pressed into the carpet.

Steve drew nearer, dropping down beside Soda. He could see him visibly trembling, as he put a hesitant hand on his back. "Hey, buddy. I promise you're okay." When Soda didn't respond, Steve leaned closer, able to see the sweat on his best friend's head and hear his harsh breathing. "It's all right, Sodapop. It's just me. I'd never hurt you." Remembering what Soda had previously done to his stitches, Steve moved to his right side. He saw that the bandage was wrapped around the wound, though the fingers of his left hand were moving over the material, as if on the border of temptation. "Be careful, buddy. I don't want you to hurt anything." With those words, Steve reached for Soda's hand, feeling the clamminess, as he held it in his own.

Soda's voice found its way out of his self-imposed shelter. "My chest hurts, and it feels like- it feels like I can't breathe right either. I keep- I keep seeing it. The mask. I hear it. His voice."

"I'm sorry, man. So sorry."

"Not better. It's worse. Sorry I called. Pulled you away from work."

Steve saw the phone on the floor, not far from Soda, anything but regretful that his friend had the presence of mind to call the DX, to call anyone at all. "It's fine, man. I think Mr. Coleman heard the way you sounded, and he told me to go."

"Scared, Stevie. Still so scared."

Steve let go of Soda's hand, keeping an eye on it, as he touched the back of his friend's head. He could still see Soda shaking, his eyes peeking out at him from beneath his arms, at the same time he nudged his shoulder. "Hey, sit up, man."

Soda slowly lifted his head, then felt himself being wrapped in an embrace.

Steve held his best friend, unsurprised when Soda leaned heavily against him.

"I don't know why. Nothing happened. I was just here and..."

Steve rested his head against Soda's, his eyes closing, as he rocked back and forth. "I know, buddy."

"It hurts. It always hurts."

"You're going to get through it, man. Like I keep telling you."

"I felt like I was dying. Still kind of do."

"I think you have some really damn bad anxiety right now, buddy."

"I don't feel good at all."

"You're going to calm down soon. It'll all pass."

Soda pushed himself further into the hug, his grip on Steve getting tighter. "I can't stop shaking."

"It's going to go away, buddy. I swear."

"Felt like I was having a heart attack."

The front door opened, followed by the sound of Darry's voice. "Hey, Pone, help me bring all these in."

Steve craned his neck, seeing Darry set paper sacks of groceries down on the counter. "Hey, Superman, come in here."

Darry heard Steve's voice and came into the living room. Staring at the sight in front of him, he crouched down and touched his middle brother's back. "What happened? Are you okay, little buddy?"

Soda turned his head to see his big brother. "Don't know, Dar. I don't think so."

Darry stayed in his place, as he looked at Steve. "Weren't you at work?"

Steve nodded, able to feel that Soda wasn't shaking as much, though he didn't let him go just yet. "Yeah. He called the DX. He didn't sound good, so Coleman let me come check on him."

Soda loosened his grip on Steve, his body beginning to relax, as his anxiety lessened. "I can breathe better now. Chest not hurting so much."

Pony appeared at the edge of the living room, sacks of groceries in his arms. "Hey, Dar, where-"He stopped, taking in Soda's current state, as he pulled away from Steve. "What's wrong?"

Soda remained on the floor, as he looked up at Pony. "I'm all right now, little brother. Just got real anxious and stuff like that."

Pony turned to put the bags down, before going over to his middle brother. "You don't look all right at all."

Darry studied Soda's face, as he stroked his hair, seeing his distraught expression that was as obvious as the clamminess of his forehead. "You're pretty warm too, Sodapop."

Soda leaned on Steve's shoulder, lifting himself to his feet. "I'm okay now, Dar. Believe me. I was worse."

Steve stood up too, watching Soda, able to see the shakiness that hadn't completely dissipated. 'You should sit down, man."

Darry wrapped his arm around Soda's waist, leading him over to the couch. "Steve's right. Pony too."

Soda sat down on the couch, hand on his chest, as he took in a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, before exhaling. He looked over at Pony, seeing him sit down on the arm of the sofa. "See? I'm better now. Nothing is happening to me anymore."

Pony stared at Soda, shaking his head, as an unexpected wave of anger rose. "Stop it, Soda. Stop lying. You're always trying to make it sound like you're fine when you know damn well-"

Steve put a hand on Pony's shoulder, his touch gentler than his voice. "Cut it out, Kid. He doesn't need you yelling at him right now."

Pony started to protest, shrugging off Steve's hand. "Well, it's true. He's always telling me he's okay like I can't see any different."

Darry stepped in then, the pained look on Soda's face and his lack of reply spurring him on. "Ponyboy, this really isn't the time. We can talk later, but if you can't wait, just go to your room."

Pony huffed out a breath, before turning away from Steve and his brothers. He didn't utter another word, as he stalked off to his bedroom.

Soda watched his little brother walk away, hearing the expected slam of his door. "I really didn't mean- I just-"

Darry could see the tears in Soda's eyes, as he laid his arm across his shoulders. "Don't worry about it right now, Pepsi Cola. I'll talk to him later."

Steve looked toward the hallway, where Pony had gone, before returning his focus to his best friend. "Yeah, buddy. You just try to relax. I'm going to head back to work. But I'll be over here after my shift is over."

Soda's gaze moved to Steve, as he pushed back the tears that were wanting to fall in response to even more than his little brother's words. "Okay, Stevie. Thank you for coming. Tell Mr. Coleman too. But make sure he knows I'm feeling better now."

Steve gave Soda's shoulder a squeeze, as he started to leave. "Of course, buddy. I'll tell him."

Darry met Steve's eyes in an unspoken question.

Steve paused, reading the oldest Curtis' concern in his expression, as he mouthed a silent reply: "We'll talk later."

Darry nodded in confirmation, as Steve made his way out of the house, leaving just himself and Soda in the living room. "Are you sure you're feeling better? You look like you need to lie down."

Soda felt Darry's hand press against his forehead. "I ain't running a fever, Dar."

"Just checking, little buddy."

"I got all sweaty, but not from anything like that. Just from being so scared."

"Okay."

Soda lie down, putting his head in Darry's lap. "Please stay with me."

Darry looked down at his little brother, his reply an echo of a past promise. "Of course, Pepsi Cola. I'm staying right here."

* * *

"But he seemed all right by the time you left?"

Steve sighed and ran a hand through the swirls of his dark hair, as he talked to Mr. Coleman. "Not all right, really. But better. And Darry was back home, so I didn't leave him alone."

Mr. Coleman sorted the tools in front of him, putting them all in the correct compartments in the toolbox. "It makes sense he'd be anxious after what happened. He sounded almost panicked on the phone. To be honest, he scared me."

"He scared me too, and I think he was panicking."

"That day he came here and picked up his car, he even looked scared. I remember talking to him and thinking he wasn't even hearing me. It was like he wasn't here at all."

That's cause he wasn't, Steve thought. He was caught in the grip of a night that won't let him go.

* * *

"Don't be so hard on him, kiddo. It's not his fault if he's having a tough time."

Pony scowled at TwoBit from his place on the porch swing, as he crossed his arms over his chest. "I didn't say it was his fault. It just pisses me off when all this is going on and-"

Darry's voice interrupted Pony's thought. "We need to talk, Ponyboy." He nodded toward TwoBit. "Can you give us a minute, man?"

TwoBit headed toward the door, going inside. "Sure, Darry. I'll just go grab a beer."

Darry watched the door close behind his buddy, before he joined Pony on the swing. "You're going to apologize to Soda, and I better not ever hear you talk to him that way again."

Pony let his arms fall to his sides, a sigh escaping him. "Of course I'll tell him I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to hurt him. I just got mad, and what I said is true. Besides, I've heard you say the same kind of stuff to him, and you yelled too."

"That's between me and Soda, Pony. And you know what the biggest difference is?"

"What?"

"He yelled back. You saw the state he was in, the way he was shaking and sweating. I won't have you adding to what he's going through, Ponyboy. It's not okay. I get how you'd be angry, but you're not going to take it out on Soda, especially when you can look at him and see he's hurting."

"That's exactly why I got angry, Darry! I can't stand that he'll sit there and deny it. He scares me."

"I think he was just trying to pull himself together, Pony. And you're his little brother. Soda wants you to see him being strong. He doesn't want to fall apart in front of you."

"But I know he's strong, and if he's falling apart, then at least I know he's being honest, which is what he needs to be. At least then, I know he's being real."

* * *

TwoBit turned on the TV, before taking a swig of beer, as he sat down on the couch beside Soda's feet. He looked at his sleeping friend, giving his leg a squeeze. "You're going to be fine, Sodapop. You better believe we're all seeing to that."

* * *

"I just came home to shower and change clothes, Dad."

Nicholas tossed Steve a towel from the basket of clean laundry he was folding. "Okay, Son."

Steve sifted through the laundry, looking for jeans to wear.

"Samuel's going to come over in a little while. Just to visit, you know."

"Oh."

"We haven't done that in a while."

"Yeah."

"Son?"

"Huh?"

Nicholas lifted a pair of jeans from the basket. "You have pants right here."

Steve took the jeans from his dad, holding them, along with the towel. "Oh. Guess I didn't see them."

"You seem really distracted."

"Soda called the DX earlier. He sounded so bad, Coleman told me to go to him. I wanted to anyway. So, of course, I did."

"What was wrong?"

"He was saying stuff about being alone, something hurting, and not being able to stop it. He was so anxious, Dad. Shaking all over. He said his chest hurt. That he felt like he was dying."

"Was he having flashbacks again?"

"It sounded like it from some of what he said to me when I got over there." Steve looked straight at Nicholas. "It was awful, Dad. He did calm down a lot, but it was terrible to see Soda that scared."

* * *

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Have a nice rest?"

Soda's vision focused in on TwoBit, as he woke up, stretching before rising to a sitting position. "Actually, I think I did. How long you been sitting there?"

TwoBit eyed the beer bottle still in his hand. "Hmm...long enough to be almost done drinking this."

"So not that long then, with the way you drink beer."

"Can't argue with you there." TwoBit swallowed the last of the beer, then set the bottle down on the coffee table. "So are you feeling better?"

"What did you hear?"

"Just that you were anxious and not looking so good for a little while there."

"Yeah. That's pretty much it."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Are you feeling better?"

"I guess so."

"I'm good for more than a laugh, you know."

Soda could see the sincerity in TwoBit's face, not used to the solemn expression. "Yeah. I know that."

"What's been happening, Sodapop?"

"The shooting, it's bothering me a lot. Making me scared all the time. Some tough Greaser I am, huh?"

"Hey, don't do that to yourself."

"But it's true. Nothing even has to be happening for me to feel like it is."

"Seems to me you got a right to be scared."

Soda looked down at his hands that rested in his lap, picking at his fingernails. "You know how Steve told you he's had flashbacks of the abuse he went through?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I have them too. Of the shooting."

TwoBit watched Soda, seeing that he wasn't looking up. He put a hand on his shoulder, keeping it there. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't know."

"You never thought Steve wasn't tough, did you?"

Soda looked up then. "No. Of course not!"

"I knew you'd say that. It's why I asked. So don't say you ain't tough either cause you are."

"You should've seen me earlier, TwoBit. I didn't look it at all."

"Come on, man. You've got nothing to feel bad about, and I know for a fact you'd tell any one of us that same thing. Damn, I was telling Pony to take it easy on you, and you're in here beating yourself up cause you're not doing great."

"You were talking to Pony? He got mad at me earlier, huh?"

"Nah. I don't think he's mad at you. I think he's mad cause he's a kid, and you still want to protect him."

* * *

"I didn't think I'd ever meet anyone again. I didn't really know if I wanted to either."

Samuel could hear the almost distant tone of Nicholas' voice, easily realizing where his friend's mind was drifting. "Have you told Audrey about Clara yet?"

Nicholas remembered his vague statement of empathy when he and Audrey had discussed her previous relationship that had ended in betrayal. "No. I haven't. I've thought about it, but I just wasn't ready. It's something I need to bring up to Steve first too."

"It seems like he'd be okay with her knowing what happened. Since he's more than all right with you being in a relationship, I'm sure he expects you'll tell her at some point."

"Yeah. I'm sure of that too. It just seems soon. But everything has been happening so fast."

* * *

"So I got over here, and Soda was on the floor, shaking like a leaf. At first, he didn't even say anything to me."

Darry heard himself sigh, picturing the scene Steve was describing. "I wonder if it's because he was alone. He was okay when I left. I just went to the store and picked Pony up from the library."

Steve leaned against the back porch railing, watching as Darry paced back and forth. "Maybe. On the phone, he did say something about being all alone. He told me nothing happened, that he was just here. I wonder too if just the idea of going back to work triggered something in him. Seems like it could."

"I'm so worried about him being back at the DX all the time. I know he has to go back sometime, but if this happens at home, what will happen there?"

Steve started to reply, but just as his mouth opened, a crashing sound came from inside the house. "What the hell was that?"


	14. Chapter 14

The river rushed, a storm making it wave in a rising tide of adrenaline.

* * *

Darry heard a series of slams and clatters, as he went into the house, Steve following right behind him. He moved toward the kitchen, the apparent source of all the noise. "Sodapop, what's going on?"

Soda picked up the pot he'd previously hurled at the cabinet, only to slam it against the counter.

Steve's eyes widened, as he looked at the mess in the kitchen and watched his best friend. "Soda, stop it, man."

Darry saw Soda about to go for the freshly washed cups and silverware that he'd already scattered along the counter and the floor, but he stepped forward and grabbed him by the waist first. "Stop, Sodapop! Now! What's gotten into you, little buddy?"

Soda made a futile attempt at fighting Darry's hold. "I can't take it anymore, Darry! I can't!"

Steve tried to get his feet to move, but both the sight of Soda struggling and his words kept him frozen.

Darry tightened his hold on his middle brother, though it took little effort to pull him down to the tile floor.

Soda tried to get out of Darry's grip. "Let me go! Please! I don't want to do this! It hurts!"

Steve willed himself forward and dropped down beside the brothers. "Soda, you have to relax, buddy."

Darry didn't release Soda, as he spoke right into his ear, trying to keep his voice soothing, despite his own rising panic. "Calm down, Pepsi Cola. Okay? I'm not letting go until you relax. Just hold still and breathe."

* * *

The fight started to drain out of the river, the surging waves beginning to give way to gentle ripples.

* * *

Soda's face crumbled, a sob overcoming him. "Help me. Please help me." He turned and lay his head on Darry's chest. "Please help. I'm sorry."

Darry's hold on Soda transformed from one of restraint into one of comfort. "I'm here, little buddy. It's okay." Please, he thought. Tell me how to help you.

Steve listened to the sobs coming from his best friend, hearing them melt into inconsolable wails. He wrapped one arm around Darry and the other around Soda, hugging both brothers. "Shh. It's going to be all right, buddy." Whatever's going on inside you, he thought. You're going to get through it. You have to.

* * *

"What the hell did I miss?"

Steve heard Pony's question, as he was beginning to clean up the kitchen, undoing the visible traces of whatever had driven Soda to act out in a destructive way. "You don't want to know, Kid."

Pony watched Steve pick up a pot and several pieces of silverware. "Yeah? Well, maybe I do want to know. What makes you think you know me anyway? You're Soda's best friend, not mine."

Steve tossed the items he held into the sink, before he sighed and faced Pony. "You gotta be fuckin' kidding me right now, Ponyboy. As much as we've been talking, you're going to say that shit to me?"

Pony stared at Steve's face, the closer look letting him see not only how red his eyes were already, but also the fresh tears brimming in them. "What's going on, Steve?"

Steve picked up more of the remaining silverware and a few of the cups, trying to ignore Pony's curious gaze.

"Did something else happen with Sodapop?"

"Oh? I don't know you, but you think you know me, huh?"

"You just told me a couple days ago that you cry when Soda does."

"He did this, Kid. This mess I'm cleaning up."

"What?"

"Me and Darry were out back and heard all this noise. We came in to see Soda throwing stuff all over."

"But why? He's never done anything like that before."

"I don't know. But Darry grabbed him and made him stop. Once he quit fighting, he cried worse than anything I've ever seen."

"I didn't tell him yet, but I'm so sorry for what I said to him earlier. I shouldn't have done that."

Steve put his arm around Pony's shoulders, giving him a squeeze. "Soda will understand, Kid."

"I just got frustrated. But I was being a jerk."

"I've been a jerk lots of times. Especially to Soda. So I get it."

"I didn't make anything worse, did I?"

"No, Ponyboy. You didn't. Everything that's going on with Soda, it's been there. But today..." Steve kept his arm around Pony, the day's memories replaying in his head, as he held back tears. "I've never seen him like he was this afternoon, and I damn sure have never seen him like he just was tonight."

* * *

"I'm sorry, Darry. I just- I just lost it. I got angry."

Darry sat on his bed beside Soda, holding his hand, as he listened. "Angry at what, Sodapop? You have to give me more than that. This isn't like you at all."

Soda resisted the urge to bury his face in Darry's shoulder, as he was still recovering from the sobs that had seized him on the kitchen floor. "I don't know."

Darry reached for Soda's other hand, squeezing both tight in his own grip. "No. You're going to talk to me. Little buddy, you were in there saying you can't take it anymore, that it hurts. Then, you were crying and pleading for help. I don't know what to do, or exactly what you need right now, but I'm going to figure it out."

"I guess I just got angry at everything. I'm doing what I'm supposed to. But I'm not better. I don't ever feel like me anymore. I mean, I try. I really do. But I just don't."

"That's not your fault, Sodapop. Not at all."

"But I don't feel good about myself, Dar. And it's like something in me is always in pain that never stops."

"I need to ask you something, little buddy. Did you ever feel anything like this before the shooting?"

"I guess maybe when Mom and Dad died. And when Pony was missing."

"I can definitely understand that."

"Then, when Johnny and Dal died and Pony was sick. And then when Steve overdosed or maybe even just before that, you know, when he was first telling me everything."

"But you did start to feel better all those times, right? It wasn't like this?"

"No, it wasn't. All the grief, it hurt like hell, but now, it feels, I don't know. It's deeper, and no matter what I do, I don't feel better. I thought if I did talk about what happened, that could help. It _should_ help."

Darry saw that Soda was starting to shake and scooted closer, still holding both of his hands. "Keep talking to me, little buddy. What are you scared of right now?"

"I'm scared that none of this is ever going to go away."

"None of what?"

"The anxiety, the memories in my head, this aching feeling." Soda closed his eyes, squeezing Darry's hands, as he tried to focus on the physical contact. "I feel like I'm never going to be me again."

* * *

"Are you okay now, Soda?"

Soda avoided Steve's gaze, his eyes dropping to the porch steps, where his feet rested. "No. I'm not. I'm not okay."

Steve settled beside Soda, quiet for several moments, before he chose to say more. "What can I do, buddy? Anything you tell me, I'll do it."

"You've been doing everything. There's nothing else."

"You said no when I asked you earlier, but do you think you did get too overwhelmed talking like we did last night?"

"Maybe. I might have."

"Cause I've never seen you like you were today."

"I'm sorry, Stevie. For all of it. But especially for acting like I did tonight."

"It's okay. Stuff just happens sometimes."

"I've never lost it and thrown things before. But it was like I got mad and had to do something."

"Did anything happen just before to make you mad?"

"No. I'm just mad cause I can't get my head straight, and it feels like I never will."

"I think being anxious can make you get pissed off too, man. It's frustrating."

"I was real anxious when I called the DX today. I really felt like I needed to hear somebody else's voice."

"It seems like you have a harder time being alone now. Maybe that had something to do with it."

"It's crazy cause I know no one is about to hurt me. Nothing is happening. But I still feel like it is."

"Yeah. I know, buddy. And I could hear it in what you said to me on the phone. I could see it in you when I got here too."

"It's one thing to have the flashbacks, but it was worse that time. Even when I didn't feel so much like it was happening again, I still couldn't calm down."

"You seemed like you started to once you weren't by yourself anymore."

Soda blinked, feeling more tears gather in his eyes. "I didn't cry before, and now, it's all I do."

"I know the feeling, buddy. But I'd rather see you cry all the time than keep it inside. You wouldn't feel like crying if you didn't need to."

"How do you know I'm going to get through all of this? What if I can't?"

"Cause I know you, and I know how strong you are."

"I'm not feeling strong at all."

"That's why we're all here for you. So you don't have to do anything alone. You know what else I see?"

"What?"

"You're being honest, buddy." Steve hugged Soda once again, squeezing him tight, as he spoke. "And you know that takes a hell of a lot of strength."

* * *

Soda held tight to the pillow in his arms, his eyes closing beneath the sea of stars that cascaded along the night sky.

* * *

"Hey, Son. I was wondering when you'd be back. Is Sodapop doing better now?"

Steve closed Nicholas' bedroom door, leaning on it, as he answered his dad's question. "He's not himself, but he's calmer for right now at least."

Nicholas looked at Steve, seeing how his eyes stared straight ahead, unblinking, as his body remained still, not moving away from the door. "Son? What about you?"

"That's why I came to talk to you. Cause I know I said I would."

"Said you would? What about?"

Steve sank down to the carpet, finally shifting his gaze to look right at his dad. "I promised I'd tell you if I started feeling like hurting myself."

* * *

"Hey, Soda?"

Soda heard Pony's voice from his place on the porch swing and opened his eyes in response. "Yeah, Pone?"

Pony saw both the pillow Soda held and a blanket that lay over his lap. "Are you trying to sleep out here or something?"

"Maybe. It's just comfortable. It might sound weird, but my room makes me feel kind of trapped."

Pony sat down beside his middle brother. "No. It doesn't sound weird at all."

Soda rested his chin on the pillow, holding it tighter, as he soaked in the comfort it provided. "It's kind of funny cause I don't like the dark, but being out here feels okay."

* * *

"What do you need, Son? What can I do?"

Steve heard Nicholas soft-toned questions that sought direction, realizing he wasn't certain of the answers himself. "I'm not sure. I just know I need you, Dad."

* * *

"I'm sorry, Soda. For yelling at you, for saying what I did."

Soda put his arm around Pony, accepting his apology. "It's okay, Pone. I ain't mad at you. Besides, you were kind of right. I know I haven't told you a lot, and I really wasn't doing great earlier."

"Which is why it wasn't the time to say stuff like that to you. I hope you can forgive me for that cause I really am sorry."

"Don't even worry about it, little brother." Soda saw Darry watching them through the window, as he felt Pony's head rest on his shoulder. "Of course I forgive you."

* * *

Steve tossed his hand of cards down on the coffee table, before covering his face. "I can't focus, Dad."

Nicholas laid down his own hand, then scooted closer to Steve. "Okay. We don't have to play. I just know it's helped before."

"It was a really hard day. I think that's why. It's not because I'm getting bad again or anything."

"I'm sure you're right, Son."

"Seeing Soda like he's been, it's really painful. But I'm not saying it's his fault or anything. It's not. And I wouldn't even want to tell him about this cause he's been so damn bad about blaming himself for stuff lately."

"No. Of course it's not his fault. I know that's not what you're saying."

"He got mad tonight, Dad. And that was worse than seeing him scared. Cause I didn't know what to do for him at all. When he called earlier today, I knew how to help him. But this was different."

"He got mad? What happened?"

"I was talking to Darry, and we heard a bunch of noise. We went inside to see what it was, and Soda was throwing stuff around the kitchen."

"That doesn't sound like him at all."

"I know. Cause it's not. He told me he just lost it. I understand how he could cause it's all overwhelming, and stuff keeps happening. He's scared he's not going to get better. But it was so weird seeing Soda like that."

"I can imagine."

"It sounds funny to say, but I was so relieved when he started crying." Steve leaned against Nicholas, his arms going around him. "Cause, at least then, I knew what I could do."

* * *

Soda splashed cold water on his face, the drops breathing coolness into his skin. He put his hands over his mouth, his hot breath a reminder that he was still alive.

* * *

"I don't want to ask this, Son. But I feel like I have to because I need to know what's going on."

Steve could feel Nicholas hold him a little tighter, as he listened to his dad voice the need to talk more about what he'd just confided in him tonight. "Okay. Ask me whatever you need to."

Nicholas squeezed Steve one more time, before he pulled away, keeping one arm around him. "You said you've felt like hurting yourself tonight. What exactly does that mean?"

"Um, it just means I have thoughts, and I'm kinda like I was before. It's this impulse, like Laura has called it."

"Okay. I guess what I'm really trying to ask is are you feeling like you would hurt yourself if you" Nicholas pushed back the distress that was making tears form in his eyes. "had any kind of chance."

"No. It's not like that, Dad. It's not that bad. I'm not thinking of what I could do or anything, I swear."

Nicholas forced himself to let out a breath. "All right."

"That's why I'm talking to you now. I don't want to try to deal with it alone and get where I could hurt myself again. When I first felt this way, I never imagined I could get to that point. It didn't even seem possible. But now, I know it is."

* * *

Soda's forehead pressed against the window, the glass sending a chill into his skin. Goosebumps sprang up on his body, as he lifted his hands to the window, palms and fingers absorbing the coldness that characterized the night. He breathed in the air of disquietude, as his consciousness kneeled at the altar of fear and prayed for release that could only be found in the gift of divine serenity.

* * *

"Hey, Soda, you coming, man?"

Soda shook his head in response to Steve's question, his heart beating within the silence, as he hoped his friend would accept the answer.

Steve looked at Soda stretched out on his bed, the spiritless expression on his friend's face making him have the shove the worry away. He moved from the doorway to Soda's dresser.

Soda heard the sound of drawers opening and closing and rose just in time for a pair of jeans and a shirt to land in front of him. "Steve, I-"

"I'm not letting you sit here like this, buddy. You ought to know that."

"But I don't feel like going. Not to church or anywhere else."

Steve sat at the foot of Soda's bed, determination setting in, as he spoke. "I know, man. But do you know what'll happen if you sit here alone like this too much?"

"Nothing?"

"No. You'll get too stuck inside your own head, and that's the last thing you need right now. You've spent a lot of time by yourself lately, and it doesn't seem to be a good thing for you."

"I guess that's true."

"I'm not trying to tell you what to do, buddy. I'm really not."

Soda looked down at the clothes on the bed, then back up at Steve, a smile trying to form on his lips. "Yeah, actually, you kind of are."

"Okay. So I am. But you know I'm right."

"Maybe."

"Come on, man. My dad's waiting. So get dressed and come with us. It'll be good for you."

* * *

"We didn't even get there yet, and my dad already has that look on his face."

Nicholas drove in the direction of the church, feigning ignorance at the meaning of Steve's comment. "What look?"

Soda laid his head against the backseat, feeling the wind blowing in the car's rolled down window.

Steve sat in the passenger seat, his gaze shifting from Soda to Nicholas. "That dopey look you get when you think about Audrey."

Nicholas turned the steering wheel, making a left. "She doesn't think I look dopey."

Steve smiled, not even having to think about his next reply. "That's cause she's in love with you."

Soda sighed, the banter in the front seat doing nothing to draw him out of the sadness that was beginning to lay claim to his soul.

* * *

Steve elbowed Soda, then tapped his knee with the hymnal he'd just closed. "What do you think? Should I drop it and draw attention to myself?"

Soda grinned a little at the memory behind the joking question. "It's carpet, man. No one will hear anything."

Steve lightly tapped Soda's head with the hymnal. "You'll hear it if I knock you over the head."

Samuel's voice came from the front of the church. "Is something going on over there, Steve?"

Steve turned to look at Samuel, who was smiling at him from the pulpit. "Nah. Just messing with Sodapop. You know how it is, preacher guy."

Samuel opened the Bible in front of him, finding today's sermon notes tucked between the pages. "Yeah. I do know."

Steve put the hymnal in its holder, noticing that all traces of the grin he'd seen on Soda's face had already vanished.

* * *

Steve slung his arm over Nicholas' shoulders. "So, Audrey, I hear you love my dad. He's an okay guy, huh?"

Nicholas gave Steve a light shove. "Don't mind him. Teasing me has become his favorite past time."

Audrey kissed Nicholas' cheek. "Yes. He certainly is an okay guy."

Steve saw the blush on Nicholas' face, turning to talk to his best friend. "Hey, Soda, look-" He glanced around the rest of the sanctuary, finding Soda was nowhere in sight.

Nicholas followed Steve's gaze. "What is it, Son?"

Steve eyed the door of the church, heading toward it. "I'll be back, Dad. Just wondering where Soda went." He stepped outside and looked around the parking lot, walking a little farther, before he spotted Soda in the grass at the rear of the building. "Hey, man, I was saying something to you when I realized you were gone."

Soda saw Steve coming toward him, but didn't speak until his best friend was sitting right beside him. "I told you I didn't feel like coming, Stevie."

"I know, buddy. Hey, you should've seen my dad just now. Audrey kissed him, and he got all red in the face. Man, I never knew he could blush like that before he met her."

"Yeah."

"I was about to tell you to look at him when I saw you weren't behind me anymore." Steve saw how glassy Soda's eyes were, his expression lacking any sort of amusement. "You look like you're about to bawl again, and I've never seen you cry this often, man." Steve listened for a response, only to feel Soda's head drop onto his shoulder. "What's happening, Sodapop? You're scaring me, buddy."

"Did you ever feel like you just kept hurting more and more, no matter what? And like it could never stop?"

"I did. I did feel that way. You know that."

"Have you ever felt like what was supposed to help didn't?"

"Sure. I felt like that a lot."

"Did something that should help ever make you hurt worse?"

"Yeah. I think so. It hurts to face stuff that's painful. So anything that will help might hurt at first."

"Oh."

"What are you trying to tell me, man? You already know all this."

"What made you feel most like you wanted to hurt yourself?"

Steve didn't answer right away, the path the questions were creating becoming visible. He slipped an arm around Soda, rubbing his back, as he looked to see quiet tears were falling out of his eyes. "Soda, buddy, are you trying to tell me you feel like you want to hurt yourself?"

"Yeah. I didn't before. I swear I wasn't lying about that."

"I know. I know you weren't lying."

"What do I do, Stevie?"

"What you're doing right now. What you've been doing. Keep talking to me and to Darry."

"What if it gets worse, and I start to feel like you did?"

"This doesn't mean you will, man. It doesn't mean that at all."

Soda kept his head on Steve's shoulder, feeling the hand on his back moving in circles. "You were right. I didn't need to be by myself today. But I still don't feel like being around a lot of people."

"Yeah. I got that."

"It's scary to feel this way."

"It sure is." Stay calm, Steve told himself. Stay calm, and say what you need to say. "But you'll be okay. You'll get through this too." Those feelings don't last forever, he thought. They pass. They do go away. "And I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

Nicholas saw Steve step back inside the church. "Hey, Son. Did you find Sodapop?"

Steve stood by the door to the sanctuary, staring outside until it closed all the way. "Yeah. He's just outside. He, uh, doesn't feel much like being around anybody."

Samuel joined the conversation, as he picked his Bible up off the pew, where he'd set it earlier. "That doesn't sound like him."

Steve moved from the door to a back row pew, perching on its wooden arm. "Cause it's not like him."

Samuel went to stand beside Steve, a hand on his shoulder. "Is he all right?"

Steve saw Nicholas move closer to him too, as he shook his head. "I don't know. I really don't think so." He looked at Samuel. "Would you try talking to him? I think he might need it."

* * *

Soda remained in the grass at the back of the church building, watching as the others who'd still been inside filed into the parking lot. He saw Steve and Nicholas going toward the car and got to his feet, heading in the same direction.

Steve opened his dad's passenger side door, as Soda was approaching. "Hey. Ready to get out of here, man?"

Soda nodded and was about to slide into the backseat when Samuel came up to them. "Oh. Hey. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to blow anyone off or anything like that. I just-"

Samuel shook his head, giving Soda a smile. "No. Of course not. How are things going, Sodapop?"

Soda looked down, away from Samuel's eyes, all too aware of the effect the preacher had had on him in previous conversations. "I, um, they're okay, I guess. I have to have some tests this week cause my nerves might have damage from- from the bullet. But I go back to work tomorrow."

Samuel waved to Grace and Pastor David, as their car rolled through the parking lot. "I know I told you I'm here if you need anything, but I should also tell you I'm here if you ever want to talk." Samuel opened the Bible that he'd held under his arm and ripped a slip a paper from a page of sermon notes, also taking out the pen that had been tucked inside.

Soda's gaze moved back up to look at Samuel, watching him scribble down the digits of his phone number. "Uh, okay."

Samuel handed Soda the slip of paper. "Call me, Sodapop. It doesn't matter when. For you, I can always make time."

* * *

"Did he tell you Vivian's having a baby?"

Steve's eyebrows raised, hearing Nicholas' question. "Oh yeah?"

Nicholas pulled his car into the driveway, shifting it into park. "Yeah. She's just a couple of months along. But she didn't come today because she wasn't feeling very well."

Steve pushed open the passenger side door, sliding out of the front seat. "That's great. I mean, that they're having a baby. Not that Vivian feels sick."

Soda climbed out of the backseat, silent as he made his way toward the Randles' front porch.

Nicholas closed the driver's side door, Bible in hand. "I knew what you meant, Son. I think they're both pretty happy about it too."

Steve picked his own Bible up out of the passenger seat, before closing the door. "Well, yeah, it's a baby, and they're married and stuff, so they would be."

Nicholas started toward the house. "Of course. But it makes things different when they lost a child."

Steve followed behind his dad, seeing Soda on the porch swing. "Oh. I wasn't even thinking about that. I should have though."

Nicholas paused next to the front door, looking at Soda. "You want some lunch, Sodapop? I was going to make sandwiches."

Steve handed Nicholas his Bible, before sitting down beside Soda. "Yeah. And then you get to see Audrey again. So you can blush some more."

Nicholas sighed, as he opened the door, but he couldn't help smiling. "Uh huh. Keep on teasing, Son. So do you want to eat, Sodapop?"

Steve looked over at his best friend, then nudged him with his elbow. "Hey, Soda, you in there or what?"

Soda blinked, then looked from Steve to Nicholas. "Huh? Oh. Yeah, sure. I could eat."

Nicholas nodded, his gaze lingering on Soda, as he went inside.

Steve turned to Soda, his tone no longer one of teasing. "You kept your promise, buddy."

Soda lifted his feet onto the swing, resting his head on his knees. "What promise?"

"About telling somebody if you ever felt like hurting yourself."

"Oh."

"I'm proud of you."

"Why?"

"Cause I know it's hard to admit."

"I barely even did. You just figured out why I'd be asking those questions."

"But still. You told me. It doesn't matter how you did it. So I'm proud of you."

"I know Darry is going to make me talk to a counselor, but I don't want to, Stevie. I don't."

"I'm sure Darry realizes something like that won't help you if it's not your choice, man."

"I know I should talk to him too, but I don't want to scare him anymore. I didn't want to scare you either. I'm sorry if I already did. I know I've done that a lot."

"It's okay, man. My dad always says it scares him more not to know what's going on. I think that's true for me too. Can I ask you something?"

"I knew you'd want to. I think I even know what."

"Has this just been a feeling or-" Steve met Soda's eyes, gripping his shoulder at the same time. "Or is there something you've thought about doing?"

Soda kept the eye contact, his gaze bathed in transparency. "Just a feeling. A bad one. But I'm not thinking of anything like that. Honest."

"Okay. I know I've asked you this already, and I should even know the answers anyway. But what can I do? What can I say?"

"Like I told you, you're doing everything, Stevie. I mean it. You really couldn't be a better friend if you tried."

* * *

"Hey, Pone, I think you need to go back and check your work on a couple of these."

Pony took the page of algebra problems from Darry, looking at the ones his big brother had circled. "Hey, Dar, do you know what made Soda so mad last night?"

Darry picked up one of the envelopes on the kitchen table and opened it, taking out the bill that was inside. "He told me, but I'm not sure he really understands it himself. I didn't know you knew about that."

"I came home not long after, and Steve was cleaning up the kitchen. I think he didn't really want to tell me, but I sort of wouldn't let it go til he did."

"Soda's hurting, Pone, and it's really getting to him."

"But he never gets mad like that."

"I know. But he's also never been through anything like the last couple weeks. People get angry when they're scared. I probably understand that better than anyone."

* * *

Soda held the football in his hands, fingers brushing over the brown leather and the white laces. "Hey, Steve, did you tell Samuel something about me that made him say what he did?"

Steve stood in the grass across the yard from Soda, the sun glaring in his face. "Um, when I went back inside, he and my dad were asking about you. Samuel asked if you were all right. I told him I didn't really think so. I swear I didn't say anything else. But I, uh, sort of asked him if he'd try talking to you."

"Relax, Stevie. It ain't a big deal. I just wondered."

Steve caught the football when Soda tossed it to him. "I mean, he also kinda already knew I've been wanting to help you with stuff cause I told him about it. I talked more about me than you that day though."

"Oh. He'd already told me once he's here if I need anything. I didn't know what to say then cause I wasn't ready to talk yet."

Steve raised the football, then released it into the air. "You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to, buddy. He just wants you to know he's there, and I know you've talked to him before."

Soda caught the football, holding onto it, as his thoughts took him several months back in time. "Yeah, I have, and I said a lot of stuff I thought I would keep in my head forever."


	15. Chapter 15

A glimmer of hope made itself visible, the love that had bound them together refusing to let go. The grip of despair began to lose strength, as rays of golden promise trickled into their hearts, healing becoming possible, even in the face of adversity.

* * *

"I know you are, but what am I?"

Steve rolled his eyes at TwoBit, as he tossed his cigarette away. "You're a no good Greaser, that's what you are."

Soda puffed on his own cigarette, flinching at the words.

TwoBit raised an eyebrow at Soda, though he chose not to say anything. "Aw, I ain't so bad. You, on the other hand, could use some work."

Steve scoffed, looking at Soda. "Can you believe him? He's got to be out of his greasy mind."

Soda shrugged, as he took another drag off his cigarette. "Maybe it's all the beer."

TwoBit grinned, as he picked up the bottle of beer he'd put on the porch railing and held it high in the air. "Damn right. But I think it makes my mind work even better."

* * *

"You ain't going to leave til I talk to Darry, are you?"

Steve considered Soda's question, as he looked through the window, seeing the oldest Curtis was outside mowing the lawn. "You trying to get rid of me or something, man?"

Soda shook his head, his mouth opening, then closing. "No. Uh, of course not. I just- I don't know."

"Easy, buddy. I was kidding."

"I know. Sorry."

"Don't sweat it. But no, I'm not leaving til you talk to him."

"Does he gotta know everything?"

"No. Not everything. But certain things."

"But it's not like I'm a kid anymore. He's not responsible for me now."

"Man, you can't be serious, Sodapop."

"I am serious, Steve! I'm not ready to tell him how I've been feeling!"

Steve put his hand on Soda's shoulder. "Hey, calm down, man. You don't have to yell."

"But I do! I do have to yell! Cause I can't do anything else!"

"Soda, I-"

Soda's hands covered his face, as he turned away from his best friend. "No! Just stop, Steve. Please."

Steve edged closer to Soda, a hand still on his shoulder. "It's just Darry, buddy. He loves you. I know you know that."

"I wish I wouldn't have said anything."

"I don't. I know what it's like to deal with this shit alone. I did for months, man. I wouldn't want you to do that."

Soda rubbed his face, then let his hands drop to his side. "Sorry for yelling at you. I just get where I feel like I need to fight or something."

"It's okay. I think I know what you mean."

Darry came inside, wiping his grass-covered shoes on the mat in front of the door. "Hey, you two. What's going on? I thought I heard some yelling."

Soda spoke next, stumbling over his words. "Oh. Nothing, Dar. Steve and me, we were just, uh, standing here. You know, just hanging out, like we always do."

Darry looked from Soda to Steve, then back again. "As we've talked about lately, you're not a good liar, little buddy."

Soda glanced outside, seeing the lawn mower. "So, um, are you still working out there, or are you finished?"

Darry filled a glass with water from the tap, then took a few swallows. "I'm almost done. Why?"

Soda looked at Steve, seeing him nod, a small gesture of encouragement. "I, um, just wondered. That's all. I think- I guess I want to talk to you when you come back in."

Darry finished off the glass of water. "Of course we can talk. I'll be done soon."

Steve remained quiet, while Darry made his way back outside, the door closing behind him.

Soda started to walk away, not speaking, as he went toward his bedroom.

Steve followed behind him. "It'll be all right, man. You've been talking to Darry about stuff."

"But this is different."

"I know it is. You're right about that."

Soda stepped into his bedroom and took a seat on the bed, facing the window. "He'll make me go talk to a counselor, just like I was saying. I don't want to. And I shouldn't feel like this anyway."

Steve sat down beside Soda. "What do you mean you 'shouldn't?'"

"It was one night, Steve. And I got shot in my arm, not somewhere real dangerous. It's not like he came after me and tried to kill me. I was just in the way."

"So what are you saying then? It shouldn't bother you?"

"Not this much. Especially not enough to think anything I have been. I shouldn't feel like hurting myself just cause of one night."

"It doesn't work like that, man, and you're being way too tough on yourself. You went through something traumatic, and it affects you how ever it does. To be honest, I never said it like you are, but I kinda thought the same things about myself."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I tried to downplay the abuse in my head. I guess it was sort of a way to make it seem not as bad. Like maybe if I could convince myself I should be okay, I would be. It never worked though."

"But I think what you went through is so much worse than anything else, Stevie."

"Well, the shooting doesn't sound like a picnic either, buddy. Like I told you, it's not a contest. You want to know what I used to say to myself?"

"What?"

"That it was just touching. How bad could that be? It's not like Clara actually hurt me. She didn't hit me or anything."

"Oh."

"And touching is supposed to feel good, right? It was just something that happened at night. Some kids get hurt a lot worse than that, even by their own parents."

"So it didn't help to try to think that way?"

"Hell, no, man. That made it worse. It made me feel worse. Like my feelings were wrong or something, and I wasn't supposed to have them."

"When you first had the suicidal thoughts, what was it like? I mean, before you ever told me or anybody?"

"They were kinda like what you were telling me you had. Just wishing I wasn't here. Thinking I didn't want to live anymore. That's how it was when you first worried I was thinking about trying to kill myself. Cause I was saying stuff, not even realizing what was going on in my own head. Then, I don't know, it just got worse a little at a time. Those thoughts became a feeling, an urge, and that's what made me scared to be alone."

"How did-" Soda stopped, taking a deep breath, the very feeling he was talking about beginning to rise back up in him. "How did it feel to you?"

"I remember telling you thoughts would flash into my mind, and they were really strong. I couldn't stop them from being there. My head would just feel so out of control."

"No. I mean what would feeling like that, thinking those things, do to you? Not just in your head, but to the rest of you."

"I guess it made me feel kind of weird, even sort of cold inside. This might sound funny, but I'd feel this heaviness in my body, like the thoughts of dying, of doing something to hurt myself, were actually weighing me down."

Soda looked at Steve's face, noticing how he stared straight ahead, as if fixated on a spot before him that, in this moment, represented a tunnel connecting him back to the recent past. "Hey, I'm sorry, Stevie. I shouldn't be asking you this stuff. It's too much for you to be thinking about."

"It's okay, Soda. I'm not going to lie. It's hard, and it brings stuff back up. But if I can help you and make sure you don't feel alone, I'll tell you anything you want to know."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure. Things like this, they feel a lot less powerful when you can put them into words. So if this is helping you talk and understand, ask me anything you want."

"Okay. You've said the thoughts, the suicidal thoughts, they made you have an urge to hurt yourself. How did that feel?"

"The way it sounds, I guess. It's overwhelming, and I'd feel like I needed to do something. Like I had to act on whatever I was thinking. Even though, at first, I didn't think of anything specific. What I said a minute ago, about feeling cold inside and just heavy, that's how those impulses would make me feel. You know this, but they scared me too cause they felt like they wouldn't go away, like I could never get rid of them."

"I think I get what you mean. On all of it. But you explain it better than I could right now."

"That's come with time, buddy. I couldn't always describe any of this stuff."

"I think these thoughts make me anxious too. And angry."

"I can see how that would be."

"But being anxious and angry make that feeling worse too. I'll focus on it, and try to make it go away, but that doesn't really work."

"I think the harder you try, the more it kind of fights back, as strange as that might sound."

There was a knock on Soda's door, followed by Darry's voice. "Hey, little buddy, we can talk now, if you want to."

Steve met Soda's gaze. "Want me to go or stay, man?"

Soda bit his lower lip, looking down at his lap. "Stay."

Darry closed the door, also coming to sit near Soda. "What's going on? Did something else happen?"

Soda drew his feet onto the bed, crossing his legs, the words not coming easily. "I couldn't say it earlier. I don't know if I can now either."

Darry reached out to his brother in both action and word, as he laid a hand on his shoulder and gave voice to the concern he felt. "Say what, Sodapop? Is something else wrong? You've had a really tough couple of days. If there's more, I want to know. I need to know."

Soda looked away from Darry, his eyes on the window that held a view of the outdoors, a view of escape. "Please don't make me go to a counselor, Dar. Please. I'll do anything."

Darry didn't have time to respond, before Soda slid off the bed and quickly disappeared from the room.

Steve sighed, his best friend's action not taking him by surprise. "Give him just a minute, Superman."

Darry's focus remained on Soda, even as he turned to speak to Steve. "Did anything else happen today that I need to know about?"

"Nah. Nothing happened. We've had enough talks like this, haven't we?"

"We sure have. I take it whatever Soda's trying to tell me, you already know?"

"Yeah. But he didn't do any better with me. Just started asking questions that kind of led me to what he couldn't say."

"It can't help he's afraid I'll make him go to a counselor. As if I weren't already thinking about bringing that up again anyway."

"I don't blame you a bit, Superman. Especially after yesterday. I brought it up to him even before he heard it from the doctor. But if he doesn't want to, it can't help him."

"Is he about to give me another reason to try to get him to do that?"

"Yeah."

Darry got to his feet. "I better go try again. I have a feeling he's needing me to come to him this time."

* * *

Nicholas held Audrey's hand in his own, her head on his shoulder, as he felt her soft hair brushing against his face. "Do you think we could be going too fast?"

Audrey put her other hand over Nicholas', soaking in the physical affection. "Maybe we are going fast. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing."

"It's just that, before we get too serious, there are some things I need to tell you."

Audrey lifted her head up, though she still held onto Nicholas' hand. "Okay."

"But I can't yet. I need to talk to Steve first. I promise it's nothing I need to hide from you though. Just something in the past. About someone who used to be in our lives."

* * *

Soda held his eyes closed, an attempt to shut off both the world existing around him and the reality in his mind.

Darry, not wanting to startle his middle brother, was quiet, as he drew closer. He settled on the grass beside him, voice low when he did decide to speak. "Hey, Soda. I think it bears repeating that you can tell me anything."

Soda opened his eyes, meeting those of his big brother. "Did Steve say something to you?"

"No. He didn't."

"He will though, if I don't spit it out. Not that I blame him. I was going to do the same thing if he didn't tell, and I made sure he did."

"What are you talking about, little buddy?"

"I don't want to go to a counselor, Dar. I mean it."

"I won't force you to do anything you really don't want to do. I can't make you talk to anyone. But I can't promise not to bring the idea up again either."

Soda felt the urge to bolt away again, and instead, reached for Darry's hand, his hold desperate for comfort. "I've been feeling something I didn't before, something we already talked about. You told me I could tell you anything, that if I ever did feel this way-"

"Slow down, little buddy."

"But it's the only way I can get this out. I couldn't even say it to Steve. But I've been feeling like-" Soda closed his eyes once more, squeezing Darry's hand. "Like hurting myself."

Darry searched for words, for the questions he knew he should ask, but they simply didn't come.

"But it's just a feeling." Soda's eyes opened, shifting to see Darry, though he didn't turn his head. "I'm not saying I'll try to kill myself or anything, just that this feeling makes me think about it."

Darry tried to break out of his daze, to ask when this had changed, when it had gotten worse than only days before.

"It makes me think of when Steve first told me he had thoughts like this, this urge to hurt himself that made him so scared he'd do it. Even though he didn't want to."

Darry blinked, snapping out of his reverie. "Are you scared you'll hurt yourself?"

"Yeah. I guess it's kind of hard not to be. But I don't know if it's cause of me or because I know Steve got that bad. It's like I can't not worry I could too. Even though he really had a lot more going on than I do and for a lot longer too."

Darry released Soda's hand that he'd hardly even realized he was squeezing so tightly. "I know it scares me more than anything even just to know you feel like this. But I'm glad you told me, Sodapop."

"Sorry for scaring you so much. You forgive me for last night, right?"

"Forgive you? For what?"

"Getting angry. Throwing stuff. Being crazy."

"Yes. I forgive you." Darry wrapped his arms around Soda. "I know there's so much I should say, little buddy, and so much I should ask."

Soda relaxed into the embrace, resting his head on his big brother's chest, needing to be held.

Don't cry right now, Darry told himself, tears brimming in his eyes. Be strong for Soda. "But for now, I'm just going to tell you I love you."

* * *

"Hi, Steve, your dad and me were just talking and-"

Steve didn't let Audrey finish, the stress of the last several hours displaying its toll on him. "I don't feel like talking about anything right now. Just leave me alone."

Audrey spoke again, attempting to soothe whatever was happening. "Oh. I'm sorry, Steve. I didn't mean to-"

Steve turned away from Audrey, his back to her. "I can't. I just can't right now. Okay? Please don't talk to me."

Nicholas could see the hurt expression on Audrey's face, his own shock mirroring hers. "Steve, you can't talk to her like that. Ever."

Steve heard the serious tone of his dad's voice, but pushed past him anyway, going to his bedroom.

Nicholas looked at Audrey. "I'm so sorry. He's not normally like that."

Audrey nodded, certain of nothing, except that Nicholas spoke the truth. "It's all right. Something must be wrong then. He's always nice to me."

Nicholas gave Audrey's hand a squeeze, before making his way to Steve's bedroom. The door was closed, but he didn't knock, before going in. "Son, what's wrong with you? It's one thing if you snap at me. But Audrey's just being friendly. How dare you talk to her that way."

_"How dare you say such a thing."_

Steve felt a chill pass through his body, his dad's voice mixing with one from the past.

"Steve, are you listening to me? What were you thinking?"

_"That must feel good."_

Steve reached for the pillow on his bed, the softness touching his skin, the physical feeling one of the present. "I- I'm sorry, Dad. Please- Please hear me."

Nicholas watched Steve's expression, his son's eyes making the anger fall into the background. "Son? What's wrong?"

_"Just do what I say."_

Steve gripped the pillow, pushing his face into it, as he curled up on the bed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Please stop. Please don't."

Nicholas drew close to Steve, sitting down in front of him, recognizing his pleas as those born of the pain he'd endured. "You're okay, Steve. It's just me. I got upset, but it's still just me."

_"You're so sweet, Stevie."_

Steve tensed, his consciousness caught between the past and the present, Clara's voice with its anger, then her counterfeit attempts at reassurance louder than his dad's genuine consolation. "Dad, please just keep talking to me. I need it. I'm sorry."

Nicholas put his arms around Steve, in hopes that the physical contact and his words could combine to draw Steve out of the apparent flashback. "What's here, Son? Where are you? What can you see?"

Steve leaned on Nicholas, eyes searching the room. "It's my bedroom. I see the window, my dresser, those clothes on the floor."

"Okay. What can you feel and hear right now?"

Steve clutched Nicholas, laying his head on his shoulder. "I feel your shirt. I hear your voice."

"Are you getting better now?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"It's been a while, Son. Do you know what happened?"

"I think so. I know I shouldn't have been a jerk to Audrey, but what you said, it reminded me of her. Of Clara."

"What did I say?"

"You said 'how dare you,' and she said that too. She said it when she got angry at me and-" Steve pushed the memory out of his mind, knowing his dad would remember the night he'd traveled back to, as he chose not to finish the explanation.

Nicholas closed his eyes, squeezing Steve tighter, as guilt tried to swallow him up, despite the anger he felt toward his son's behavior. "I'm so sorry, Son. So sorry. You didn't deserve that. Please know I wasn't trying to hurt you. I didn't realize."

Steve pulled away from the embrace. "I know that, Dad. I know you didn't mean to. You're right too. I shouldn't have talked to Audrey like that. Did I upset her?"

"I think she was okay because she knows something must be wrong. I know that too."

"You're right."

"So tell me, Son. What's going on? What's happening to make you snap like that?"

"You know how Soda just disappeared outside after church was over?"

"Yeah."

"When I was out there with him, he told me he felt like hurting himself. He didn't even say it exactly. Just started asking me questions about how I'd felt before. It wasn't hard to see what he was trying to tell me."

"Oh, Son. I'm sorry to hear that. I knew Sodapop looked like something was wrong, and you did too when you came back in the church."

"He keeps getting worse, Dad. It hurts me so bad to see it, and I don't even know what else I can do."

* * *

"What the hell, TwoBit? Get your own slice of cake!"

TwoBit ignored Pony's protests, taking a bite of the cake he'd swiped right off the youngest Curtis' plate. "I did get my own, Kid. It's mine now, ain't it?"

Pony swung the plate at TwoBit, knocking him on the shoulder. "Hey, you thief, I thought you were changing your ways."

TwoBit spoke with his mouth full of cake. "Changing my ways? That's no fun. Who said that?"

"No one. Just a thought since you're still set to graduate this year."

"Oh, that. Yeah, I've actually been doing my work. It's almost magical how I study, and my grades come out decent."

Pony chuckled. "Magical, huh? It took you this long to figure out that's how it works?"

"Hey, not everyone is an Einstein like you, Kid."

Neither Pony nor TwoBit saw Soda in the hallway, stopped cold in his tracks by the conversation. Neither of them saw his face frozen in a distraught expression, their words steering him away.

* * *

"I'm really sorry, Audrey. For snapping at you. I shouldn't have."

Audrey gave Steve a soft smile and touched his shoulder. "It's okay, Steve. You've been nice to me all the time, so I know that's not you."

Steve decided to add more, believing Audrey deserved an explanation. "I've had a tough day. That's not an excuse. I'm not saying it is. I just want you to know there's a reason, and it's nothing to do with you."

"Thank you, and again, it's okay."

"Um, if you want to, whatever you wanted to say earlier, you can tell me now. I promise I won't be a jerk again."

"Sure. I was going to tell you your dad and me were talking, and the way he talks about you, I can tell you two have something so special."

"Yeah. We do."

"You both respect each other, and I truly admire that."

"You sound a lot like your brother, you know that?"

"Yes. I've heard it before."

"Samuel always says things about what he sees with other people. He told my dad once to treasure what we have. Just the other day, he said that me and Sodapop amaze him cause of how close we are to each other."

"As I said to your dad once, my brother's good at reading people, and so am I. He's right about what he sees. I see it too. You have more than one blessing in your life. More than one beautiful gift."

* * *

"Can we please not talk about anything else tonight, Dar? It was hard enough to tell you what I did earlier. I just don't feel like it."

Darry looked at Soda's face, hearing his words, as he saw the unmistakable traces of tears. "I don't know, little buddy. You look like you've been crying again."

Soda rubbed his face, though the action did nothing to erase what he knew his big brother could easily see. "Yeah. I cry all the time. It seems crazy I ever decided I wouldn't. Sure didn't last long at all."

"You feeling all right about going back to work tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I guess so."

"I thought you were looking forward to it a little bit more than that."

"I don't know. I guess I'm having a hard time really looking forward to anything anymore."

* * *

"I keep thinking I'm going to find just the right time to bring this up, Son. But I guess now is as good a time as any."

Steve zipped up his backpack, then lie back against his pillow, as he waited for Nicholas to continue. "Okay."

Nicholas sat down on the edge of the bed, his next statement immediately steering the conversation where he needed it to go. "I want to tell Audrey about Clara."

"Um, all right. I mean, if you two are going to be together, I guess you should, right?"

"I just wanted you to know, before I do. Because what happened then, it's not just my past, Son. It's yours too."

"So... what are you going to tell her?"

"Just that I was in a relationship with Clara. She moved in with us, and I had no idea anything was going on. But then, I caught her touching you."

"Oh. Okay. But what about everything else?"

"Like what?"

"About me. And you too. How we didn't talk about anything. And how Clara died."

"Are you sure you're going to be all right with me telling Audrey about all this, Son? Cause I don't have to yet. It can wait."

"No, I'm fine with it, Dad. It's your decision anyway. It's just I haven't thought about some things in a while, so it feels overwhelming to me."

"It's your decision too, Steve. Please hear me say that. If there's anything you don't want me to mention, I promise I won't."

"Could you not tell her I ever tried to kill myself?"

"Of course, Son. I won't tell her that part."

"I mean, I don't know why, but that just seems different than anything else."

"Because it is different."

"Cause it's something I did, and I didn't know Audrey when it happened. It's kind of not the same to tell somebody who didn't know me then."

"You don't have to explain, Son. I understand. Audrey doesn't need to know everything about what's gone on with you for me to tell her what's in my past."

"So have you told her anything yet?"

"Not really. Nothing very specific anyway. I did tell her once that we weren't always so close, and I told her about the first day I met Samuel in the church when I was there praying. So she knows something happened that hurt you. She doesn't know what."

"You really love her, don't you, Dad?"

Nicholas smiled and nudged Steve. "Huh? You're saying that without teasing now?"

Steve lifted himself off of his pillow, sitting up straight. "Yes. I am. I'm serious."

"I do love her. Those words, like you said, are straight from my heart. They're real."

"I want you to know I'm still okay with it, Dad. I'm glad you met her, and even if something's going on with me, that's not going to change."

* * *

"I'll be fine, Dar. Besides, I can't stand sitting around this house anymore."

Darry looked at Soda in his DX uniform for the first time since the night of the shooting, as he listened to the reassuring words. "I know, little buddy. I just want to make sure you're going to be okay today."

Soda picked his DX cap up off the kitchen counter and put it on his head. "I will be. At least I've already been back there those couple of times. And Mr. Coleman will be around a lot."

"Do you need to me to drive you or-?"

"Thanks, Dar. But you don't have to." Soda looked down at his right hand, flexing his fingers, the pain dulled to an ache and the weakness from his injury not as pronounced. He touched the bandage that covered the wound on his arm, as he drew in a deep breath, praying the encouragement he was giving Darry would bounce back and allow his own heart to absorb its hope-filled reflection.


	16. Chapter 16

The past was unrelenting, its path winding, as it continuously formed new connections to the present.

* * *

Soda put the gas pump's nozzle back in its cradle, as the drive of the white Ford parked next to it went inside the DX to pay for his fill-up. "It actually feels good to be out here."

Soda picked up the squeegee and slid it along the car's windshield, the cleaning fluid soaking the glass, before it wiped it away.

"Hey, Sodapop, come here for a minute!"

Soda jumped at the sound of the voice, before he recognized it as Mr. Coleman's. He put the squeegee back in its place and waved to the Ford's driver, who had come back outside, as he went toward the station. "You called for me, Sir?"

Mr. Coleman motioned for Soda to come inside, as he went back behind the counter. "I just wanted to see how you're doing."

Soda's gaze wandered around the inside of the DX. "Um, honestly, I like being outside better than inside here. So I'm doing all right."

"That makes sense. I'll keep you out there with the pumps, as much as I can for now then."

"Thank you. I should've said it already. But thanks for being so good about everything. It really helps me a lot."

"You're welcome, Sodapop. I'm just glad to have you back."

* * *

"Hey, how are you feeling, honey?"

Vivian smiled at Samuel, as she laid a hand on her belly. "Much better than this time yesterday. I thought morning sickness was supposed to go away by now."

Samuel took two bowls and a pot down from one of the kitchen cabinets. "Soup and a sandwich sound okay for lunch? You still have plenty of ginger ale, right?"

"That actually does sound okay, and I still have about half the bottle."

Samuel was opening the refrigerator when he saw a book on the table. He picked up the container of leftover chicken noodle soup, as he read the title. "The Baby Name Book?"

"Yes. I was just looking through it. I was making a list of the names I like."

"Oh. For a boy or a girl?"

"Both. Because you never know, right?"

Samuel poured the soup into the pot, before setting it on the stove and turning on the burner. "No. I guess we don't. We never really know anything."

* * *

"Hey, how's it going, little buddy?"

Soda climbed into the truck beside Darry, answering his big brother's question, as he dug into the burger and fries he'd brought him for lunch. "Not too bad, really. Coleman's kept me outside working the pumps and all. It's less weird there than inside the station."

Darry heard Soda's reply, though his eyes were drawn to the front of the DX building. "I can see how that would feel better to you. I've only been back here once myself, and that was just coming to the parking lot to pick up my truck."

Soda followed Darry's gaze that hadn't moved, noticing his big brother had gone completely still. "Hey, Dar, eat. Your food's going to get cold."

Darry blinked, then looked at Soda. "I'll be right back. I need to take a piss."

"Um, okay."

Darry opened his door and hopped out of the truck, his feet landing on the familiar pavement. He went toward the station's door, questioning his own actions, as he opened it and stepped inside. The memory of how he'd found Soda hurt came alive in his mind, as he paused, staring at the very spot where his brother had been, blood pouring from a wound that was the result of a gunshot.

"Hi there, Darry. You looking for something? Sodapop is outside, right?"

Darry shifted his gaze to Mr. Coleman, comprehending his questions a little at a time. "Oh. Yeah. He's outside, and no, I'm not looking for anything. Just came in to use the bathroom."

"Oh. Go on ahead then."

"Yeah. Sure." Darry made his feet move, putting one foot in front of the other until he reached his destination.

* * *

Steve turned over the test paper Mrs. Patterson had handed back to him, seeing a 94% written at the top, along with words of praise.

He smiled at the grade, before tucking the paper inside his math notebook and heading out of the classroom.

* * *

"Is there anything I need to work on in the garage, before I have to go today?"

Mr. Coleman considered Soda's question, already knowing the answer he had to give for right now. "I think, with what your doctor said about limited duty and being careful, you probably shouldn't do that kind of work just yet."

Soda's expression fell, disappointment clouding his features. "Oh. Yeah. I- I guess you're probably right."

"I'm sorry, Sodapop. But it's only til you heal a little more than you have."

"Yeah. I know. I understand."

Mr. Coleman clapped Soda on the back. "You're going to be just fine soon enough."

Soda heard the bell ding and flinched, his heart beginning to beat faster. It's just a customer, he told himself. Nothing's going to happen. "I sure hope so."

* * *

Darry put his foot on the bottom rung of the ladder. Looking up, he held on with both hands, as he made his ascent one step at a time.

* * *

"I guess I kind of went into some sort of shock when Soda said yeah, that he did feel like hurting himself. But it's not like I shouldn't have seen it coming."

Laura sat across from Steve, both of them in their usual places, as she listened to him speak about the past week. "It's a shock nonetheless, Steve. And the last thing you ever want to hear. I'm sure, even though Sodapop was having the thoughts he told you about and feeling like he was, you hoped he wouldn't go any further than that."

Steve looked out the window, his mind drifting back to earlier in the weekend. "I should tell you I felt like that too on Saturday night. Like hurting myself, I mean. It was that same feeling, that same urge."

"So what did you do?"

"I went straight to my dad. I had already promised him I would."

"I take it talking to him helped?"

"Yeah. We played cards a little bit, but I couldn't really focus. So we just talked."

"I'm glad to hear you're taking time to care for yourself too, Steve. I would never tell you not to be there for Sodapop, but a lot of what he's going through has the potential to be triggering for you because of certain similarities."

"Yeah. I can definitely see that. But I don't know, I think I've mostly done okay, and it feels kind of good to be able to understand what he tells me."

"Because it feels good to be able to help. Especially when you have no control over most of the circumstances."

"Yeah. Exactly. When I went home yesterday, Audrey was there. She tried to talk to me, and I don't know, I just snapped at her and told her to leave me alone. She was being nice, but I wasn't feeling right. I'd been trying to keep it together and stay calm for Soda. So, of course, my dad got mad at me. Not that I blame him. He didn't even know what else had gone on yesterday. He just knew I was being a jerk to his girlfriend."

"Okay. So did you tell your dad something was bothering you?"

"Yeah. But before that, he said something that reminded me of what Clara said once. I swear I heard her instead of him in that second."

"What happened then? Were you reminded of a specific memory of the abuse?"

"Yeah. I had a flashback. I think it's cause I was already stressed too, you know?"

"I absolutely understand."

"I kept just seeing Clara and hearing her voice, but my dad was talking too. I don't think he was so upset with me anymore when he realized what was happening."

"I'm sure your dad helped you, like he has before?"

"Yeah. He hugged me and started asking questions about what I could see and feel, where I was, stuff like that."

"Good. I'm glad to hear that. Those strategies are still very important for you."

"They are. My dad felt really bad about it because he didn't realize he'd said anything. He even told me he wasn't trying to hurt me. But it's not like I thought he did it on purpose."

"I understand if you don't want to discuss it, but do you know specifically what it was your dad said that reminded you of Clara? Or was it more of a general feeling?"

"You know the time Clara got angry at me? The night she, um, made me touch her?"

"Yes. I remember."

"She was angry cause of what I said to her about going back to her own house, and she said, 'how dare you say such a thing.' After I talked to Audrey the way I did, my dad followed me to my room, and he said 'how dare you talk to her that way.' I mean, I'm not saying he wasn't right. But it sounded so much like that, and I knew he was angry too, so..."

"Of course, Steve. I can see how those moments would take you back to the past. Not only because of the phrase your dad used, but also because things were feeling especially out of control to you at that point in time."

"Yeah. They did. They still kind of do. I told my dad about what Soda said, so he'd know what was bugging me. Then, I apologized to Audrey later, and she was really good about it."

"Based on what you've told me about how you interact with her, she sounds like she'd be an understanding person."

"Yeah. She is. My dad told me last night that he wants to tell her about Clara."

"And how do you feel about that idea?"

"It's actually okay with me. I don't mind if he tells her what happened. He can even tell her about the flashbacks and stuff like that, but I did ask him not to tell her I tried to kill myself. That's just different to me."

"As personal as the abuse is, your suicide attempt may be even more so."

"Yeah. I just haven't known Audrey for very long, and I feel like that's more for me to tell, you know? Because his relationship with Clara, that's kind of both our pasts, but the overdose, well, it's mine."

"Very true, Steve."

"I think, especially since it still affects me too. Not that I ever really expect it not to. But some days, it still feels kind of fresh."

"I know you've heard this from me a lot, especially lately, but I'm going to remind you again you can call if you need me. I know you want to be there for Sodapop. You need to be. But please make sure you keep doing what you need to take care of yourself too."

* * *

"Hey, Kid, do you guys got any..."

Soda stared at the customer in front of him, seeing that his lips were moving, but unable to make out the words over the echoes that filled his mind.

"You all right, Kid?"

Soda snapped back into the present, looking down at the counter where the man had placed items to purchase. "Uh, yeah, sure."

"Hey, you're the one that got shot, right?"

Soda nodded, his focus on ringing up the magazine, bottle of Pepsi, and bag of potato chips. "Yeah."

"You're mighty lucky, ain't you? Must be that name of yours."

Soda took the money the customer handed him. "Um, yeah. I guess I am."

"They catch the guy that did it?"

Soda closed the cash drawer, his eyes wandering to the door of the station. "No. They didn't. But there ain't much to go on either."

"That's too bad. See you later, Kid."

Soda watched the customer gather his items and start to head toward the door. "Yeah. See you later." He heard the bell ding, the sound not ceasing to evoke the image of the mask that was still somewhere out there.

* * *

Steve erased the numbers he'd just written, going back to redo the math in his head. He was just rewriting the new answer to the problem when he saw Soda in his bedroom doorway. "Hey, come on in here, buddy. How was work?"

Soda, still wearing his DX uniform, joined Steve in his room. "It was okay, I guess. Not great, but it did feel good to be back. A lot of the time anyway."

Steve put his pencil down and clapped Soda on the shoulder. "That's good, man. I'm glad to hear it."

"Yeah. I was still pretty jumpy at certain times though. I probably will be for a while. And Coleman wouldn't let me in the garage yet."

"That might be a good thing for now, buddy."

"So I mostly worked the pumps and did the register for a while. I felt a lot more relaxed outside."

"Like Darry told you, one step at a time."

"Yeah. Pretty much. I didn't have trouble doing most things, but I used my left hand for some stuff. Which wasn't too bad."

"You're going to adjust just fine, man. Even if it takes some time."

"Darry came by at lunch, and I think it was hard for him to be there again. He said he'd only been back to the parking lot to pick up his truck, and he was kind of staring at the building. It sort of reminded me of how I did that."

"I think we all see the DX in a different way now. I wasn't even there, and I do too."

"Yeah." Soda's gaze wandered to the notebook in Steve's lap, seeing a graded test paper, a 94% at the top. "Hey, that's good, Stevie."

Steve grinned, picking his pencil back up. "Thanks. I was really trying hard."

Soda's eyes remained on the paper. "Is it hard to believe you're going to graduate soon?"

"Yeah. I'll be done with school before I know it."

"I never was good at math. I did try though."

"Of course you did."

"I just wasn't smart enough for it. TwoBit's even finishing school and no one, not even his mom, thought he ever would."

Steve turned the test paper over and closed his math notebook. "Don't say you're not smart, man. You'd have made it too, if you had the chance."

"I don't know about that."

Steve studied Soda's expression, as he put the notebook and pencil to the side. "I never knew this bothered you so much."

"It didn't then. I mean, dropping out seemed like the right thing. It felt good not to have the pressure, and we needed the money. Nothing was more important than helping Darry or more important that us staying together."

"But?"

"It's like it's catching up with me now, and I wish things could be different."

"Man, I admit it was hard for me when you left school, but you did what you had to do."

"Would you still say that if I'd had grades like Pony's? Or even like yours are now?"

"Yeah. Cause that wouldn't have helped Darry keep you guys. Even then, I thought that you not being at school with me was better than you two getting taken away."

"I couldn't let Darry work himself into the ground either."

"Right. I know he acted mad when you dropped out, but deep down, he knew why you did it."

"Yeah. He was pretty torn about it. Cause, of course, he didn't want me to drop out, but it's awful hard to argue with a paycheck when you got bills to pay and food to buy."

"Is it just because graduation is coming up that you've been thinking about all this, or is there something else?"

"No. Not just that."

"What then?"

"I guess just all the feelings and stuff from getting shot. It's hard to feel good about myself right now."

"And school didn't make you feel good about yourself either. There's more than one reason you dropped out."

"Yeah. A couple."

"More than a couple, man."

"Yeah. Maybe."

"Definitely. From everything you just said."

"I guess it really doesn't matter. I'm too dumb to pass anyway."

"I really should've knocked you over the head with that hymnal yesterday."

"Huh?"

"What the hell, Sodapop? Do you even hear yourself lately?"

"You know it as well as I do, Steve. I wasn't even going to pass that year, let alone graduate."

"Okay. So even if you weren't, that doesn't mean you're dumb."

"Sure it does."

Steve grabbed Soda's arm, dragging him up with him. He steered him toward the dresser, making him face the mirror. "You look there and tell me what you see."

Soda looked at his reflection as he felt Steve's hands keep a tight grip on his shoulders, this moment reminding him of one several months before. "I never thought you'd get to use that on me."

Steve stared at both of their reflections, remembering well the moments by the cemetery fountain. "If I have to, I'll drag you to that same spot, and make you look in that water too. Cause what you said to me that day wasn't something a dumb guy thinks of."

"Oh."

"Yeah. So tell me what you see. We ain't moving til you do."

"I see me."

"Seriously, buddy? You gotta do better than that. You sound like I did before."

"You said you saw a victim then."

"You're going to make me do this, aren't you?" Steve didn't let go of Soda, as he moved his eyes from the mirror to his best friend and back again. "I see Darry's little brother that would do anything to help him. I see Pony's big brother, who adores the kid like nothing I've ever seen before in my life."

Soda smiled a little, knowing the heart behind the slight jab.

"I see the guy Penny believes she's falling in love with, a guy who respects her." Steve paused, laying one arm over Soda's shoulders. "I see the guy who understood things about me sometimes better than I could myself and who listened to me talk about stuff no one wants to deal with. I see my best friend, who always made sure I knew he loved me just like his own brothers, so I'm going to keep reminding him that goes both ways."

Soda tried not to cry, the lump in his throat and the moisture in his eyes sensations that were more typical than he'd ever imagined they could be.

Steve pressed forward, continuing the track he was on and taking it further than Soda had for him. "I see my buddy, Sodapop, who got hurt pretty bad and survived. Who's facing what happened to him and admitting he doesn't feel good, or even okay, about it."

Soda's eyes moved from his own reflection to Steve's. "Thanks, Stevie."

"I'm not even done yet, man. I see Sodapop Curtis, who's having a tough time and going through stuff I know is so damn hard. But he's not going to give up on himself or his life, no matter what." Steve shifted his gaze form the mirror to look right at Soda, his voice one of determination. "Because I won't let him."

* * *

"Hey, Darry, your kid brother asked me to tell you he went to the library. Well, he didn't really ask. More like he just told me to. But I don't even see why he needs to-"

Darry looked down at the carpet, avoiding TwoBit's gaze that he knew was now on his face. "What was that? You don't see why he needs to what?"

TwoBit saw his buddy's red rimmed eyes and heard the thickness of his voice. "Um, should I leave you alone or- No, that's a stupid question. Of course I shouldn't. You were just alone and..."

Darry chuckled, in spite of himself. "Stay, TwoBit."

TwoBit sat down beside Darry. "Uh, sorry if I came in at the wrong time. Are you okay? Should I even ask that?"

"You can, if you want. It's all right, man. I'm used to you barging in. Not like you've never seen me lose it anyway."

"Actually, I'm not sure I have."

"Oh. Well, you caught me right after then." Darry could feel a new round of tears swell in his eyes, in spite of the company. "Or maybe I'm not done yet."

"Should I be worried? Did something happen?"

"Nothing happened. It's just Sodapop and everything."

"Oh."

"I'm not sure how to help him sometimes, and you can imagine that really kills me. I need to be able to do something. It makes me feel helpless."

TwoBit saw tears slide down the other man's cheeks. "Aw, Darry, man, you do a lot for Soda. He told me some of what's been going on with him, and I know you help with that."

"But I can't fix it."

"No, and no one expects you to. But he said he's scared, and I know nobody could make him feel safer than you do."

"If only I could protect him from the shit going on in his head. But I can't make that go away either."

"You and Soda sound so much alike, man."

"How's that?"

"You're both too hard on yourselves."

"Yeah. I've seen that in him too. He went back to work today. I went by there at lunch."

"Okay."

"I went inside the DX for the first time since the night of the shooting. It was damn weird, and I could pick out the exact spot where-"

TwoBit heard the crack in Darry's voice, and though he was unsure if he should, put his arms around him anyway. "Shh. I know, Darry. I know."

Darry leaned against TwoBit, accepting the shoulder to cry on. "Soda told me it's the most scared he's ever been in his life. I was scared too."

"Cause he's your baby brother. Him and Pony. No matter how old they get, they'll always be that to you."

"I couldn't live without either of them, TwoBit. We already lost our parents. We almost lost Pony. That night, Soda could've died."

"But he made it. You've still got him, Darry. He's okay."

Darry pulled away from the hug, wiping the tears that had flowed. "I know. But I'm not sure how okay he is. He's struggling with all this stuff."

TwoBit kept his hand on Darry's shoulder. "But he's here. And you know what else?"

"What?"

"I know we call you Superman, but it doesn't mean you gotta be that all the time." TwoBit squeezed Darry's shoulder, as he met his gaze. "You're allowed to let go once in a while too."

* * *

Steve glanced over at Soda from his place in the grass, shaded by the branches of a tree in his backyard. "What are you thinking, man?"

Soda leaned toward the rays of sun, skin soaking in the warmth that radiated throughout his body. "Nothing right now. It feels good."

"Yeah. It's nice to shut your brain off now and again. Just don't forget to turn it back on."

Soda snorted out a laugh. "Damn. And I was planning to keep it off for a few days. Thinking's causing too much trouble for me."

"Yeah. It can sure do that."

"I like being outside even more than I used to."

"I can tell."

"I'd sleep outside, if I could."

"So why don't you?"

"Cause that'd be weird."

"We did it when we were kids."

"But we're not kids now."

"Yeah, man, we're both so old. I know you remember sleeping in that tent in your backyard."

"Yeah. Of course I do."

"So maybe you should try that and see if you're calmer."

"It gets kind of cold at night right now though. I'd freeze."

"That's probably true. Maybe you could just open your window at night, then, you know, even take the blind down too and let in as much fresh air as you can. That could help."

"I like that idea, Stevie."

"And move your bed as close to the window as you can get it, then you'll sort of feel like you're outside and not so closed in."

"Yeah. That really sounds like it could help."

"Then, maybe you'll be calmer at night and sleep better. Trust me, buddy. Rest helps a whole lot with everything."

* * *

"Dad, I understand why you put my pills up, but it was just one night. I'm not feeling like that anymore."

Nicholas walked away from the sink full of dishes, joining Steve at the table to continue the conversation. "Good, Son. I'm glad. But that was only two days ago."

Steve spoke the first words that came to his mind. "Don't you trust me, Dad? It's been over six months now."

"Steve, it's not about trusting you. It's about protecting you."

"But you don't trust me. I'm sitting here telling you I'm not having thoughts about hurting myself at all. You believed me when I said it before."

"I believe you now, Son. But you came to me only two nights ago and told me you did feel like hurting yourself then. That means you're vulnerable to these feelings right now."

"But it's been a long time. I'm not going to do anything like that. I want you to trust me. Why can't you?"

"I do trust you."

"No, you don't."

Nicholas moved his chair closer to Steve's and leaned forward to hold onto his shoulders. "Listen to me, Son. It's not that I don't trust you. It's that I know what can happen and how strong these impulses can be for you."

Steve met Nicholas' eyes, able to feel the tears that had filled his own. "I won't do it, Dad. I promise. I won't overdose. I won't do anything to hurt myself."

"I believe you. I do. But think about it like this. Look what's gone on in just the last day and a half. You had a flashback for the first time in a while. Your best friend told you he's dealing with the same sort of feelings you do, and I know that scares you."

"Soda asked me what if he gets worse and feels as bad as I did."

Nicholas let go of Steve's shoulders and sat back in his chair. "That must scare him."

Steve got up out of his seat and looked toward the cabinet, where his medicine was usually kept. "I don't want to believe it."

"Don't want to believe what, Son?"

"That it could happen. Cause it could. I know it could."

"But that doesn't mean it will."

"But anything can happen. Anything can change. That's why you put my pills away. No matter what I tell you, you know it's possible."

Nicholas could see the tears coating his son's eyes. "Breathe, Son. It's okay."

"But it's true, right? No matter how much time goes by. And Soda... He could hurt himself too. I can't stop him. He couldn't stop me. This is how fuckin' helpless you guys felt, isn't it?"

Nicholas stood to his feet, as he heard a sob escape Steve and saw him stumble forward. He caught his son and lowered him to the floor, holding him in his arms. "You're right, Son. That's all true. But it's why I'm here for you, why you and Sodapop are there for each other. Why his brothers are there for him too. It's why we all do the best we can to help and love one another."

* * *

The shower sprayed Soda's face, warm droplets cascading along his closed eyes and his cheeks. The water soaked him in a feeling of sensory bliss, the liquid temporarily making his sorrows drown.

* * *

"Sorry, Dad. I guess it wasn't really about the pills. It's okay you put them up. I understand, and I don't blame you."

Nicholas handed Steve one pill and a glass of water, staying quiet until after he took the medicine. "Nothing to be sorry for, Son. I think I expected you to cry after what Sodapop told you yesterday."

Steve set the glass of water down on the coffee table beside him. "He talks about how he cries all the time, and I think I'm just as bad now. I told him he wouldn't cry if he didn't need it."

Nicholas put his hand on Steve's face that was still streaked with tears, his son's eyes puffy from the breakdown. "And that's true for you too."

"I told Laura I probably should've seen it coming. She said she's sure I hoped Soda wouldn't get any worse than he'd already told me before. I did too. I did hope that."

"Of course. Sodapop's been through a lot. You didn't want him to go through even more, especially when you know what it feels like."

"It hurt me when I realized he was having a flashback that first time and when he kept having them. But this makes it so much scarier, Dad."

"I know it does, Son."

"Those thoughts he had at first, that sounded bad. It was bad. And I know it might not seem like it, but there's a big difference between that and this."

"I can see the difference pretty easily. Having something cross your mind isn't the same as a feeling that makes you want to do it. A thought isn't an impulse."

"Yeah. That's exactly what I mean too. Hey, I know it's kind of late, but can we go for a drive or something and just hang out? I think I need it."

* * *

"Come on, Soda! You're going to use up all the hot water!"

Soda felt himself rise back to the surface of the world around him, the spray of water still running over his body. Careful not to soak his healing injury, he leaned over and shut off the water, then yelled to Pony. "Sorry, Pone. Be out in a minute!"

Soda pulled the shower curtain aside, and grabbed a towel, as he stepped out of the tub, securing it around his waist. His feet pressed into the bath mat, hair dripping wet with the water of elusion.

* * *

Steve pushed the straw through the plastic lid, then took a long sip of his strawberry milkshake. "This is good, Dad."

Nicholas pulled his car away from the drive-thru lane and into a parking space, then took a sip of his own vanilla milkshake. "The best. So what should we do now?"

* * *

"Rearranging your room, little buddy?"

Soda eyed the position of his bed, as he answered Darry's question. "Yeah. Kind of. Hey, can you help me with this? I can't quite get it over here against the wall."

Darry went forward, moving the head of Soda's bed so it was nearly level with the window sill. "There you go. Moving it for a reason?"

Soda unlocked the window and pushed it open, fresh evening air coming inside the bedroom. "Yeah. An idea Steve had. Cause I feel better outside. I told him I'd sleep out there if I could."

"So you're getting as close as you can, I take it?"

Soda lie down on the bed, his head right beside the open window. He looked out, as his face felt the night's coolness. "Yeah. That's pretty much it."

* * *

"I don't know, Son. I thought you looked pretty silly."

Steve chuckled along with Nicholas, as he drank the rest of his milkshake. "Me? You're the one who looked so goofy!"

Nicholas drove toward their house, away from the calmness that had enveloped the city's outer limits. "Uh huh. You just keep telling yourself that, Son."

Steve relaxed against the car seat, empty cup in hand. As he enjoyed the atmosphere of camaraderie, another thought came to his mind. "Hey, Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we always do this?"

"What? Drive and drink milkshakes?"

"No. I don't mean that. I mean _this. _Me and you."

"Of course, Son. Always."

"Okay. Just making sure."

"All right. But you never even have to wonder."

* * *

Soda stared out the open window, the darkness somehow soothing, as the fresh air flowed onto his being that sought any possible release. "God, I know I've asked you to help me. I don't mean to bother you, but I'm asking again."

The bedroom door opened, revealing Darry. "Hey, little buddy. I, uh, just kind of wanted to see you."

Soda smiled at his big brother. "I'm right here, Dar. Where you left me just a little while ago."

Darry stepped into the room, closing the door, before he sat down at the head of the bed right beside Soda.

"Something wrong?"

Darry shook his head, leaning against the wall adjacent to the open window. "No."

"Okay. You sure? You want to talk to me again or something? I don't really feel like it right now though."

Darry looked down at Soda's head that rested on his pillow, seeing his eyes staring up at him. "Yeah. I'm sure."

"Oh. Okay."

Darry ran his fingers through his little brother's hair. "Can I just sit here with you?"

"Sure, Dar. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I just want to be with you. That's all."

Soda felt Darry's hand come to rest on his shoulder, as he resumed looking out the window, continuing his prayer silently: But I don't know. You're God. So maybe this means I wasn't bothering you. Maybe you're telling me you're right here with me too.


	17. Chapter 17

The darkness hovered above, before it came down in one fell swoop, though it was no match for the love that always shone through the pain.

* * *

"Hey, Sodapop, wake up. You're going to be late."

Soda groaned and rolled away from Pony's hand that was shaking his shoulder.

Pony, thinking of how his brothers got him to wake up when he was sleeping this hard, pulled Soda's blanket out of the way and brushed his fingers on the bottoms of his feet.

Soda jerked both feet away from the tickling touch. "Hmm...Don't want to wake up."

Pony smiled at his brother's reaction, then reached over him, sliding his fingers into his armpits.

Soda started to giggle, as he tried to push Pony's hands away. "No! I'm awake! I'm awake!" He opened his eyes, a refreshed feeling washing over him, as he started to tickle his little brother too. "See? I'm up and getting you back now!"

Pony laughed, as Soda was merciless in his revenge. "All right, all right."

Soda tickled Pony along his neck, before he gave in to his pleas. He ruffled his brother's hair, before turning to the open window.

Pony attempted to fix his messed up hair, as he caught his breath. "What is it?"

Soda stared at the beginning daylight, a realization coming to him. "Nothing, Pone. I just slept all the way through the whole night."

* * *

"Keep it up, and I'm going to shove you in this locker, TwoBit."

TwoBit eyed Steve's open locker up and down. "Nah. I'd never fit in there."

Steve closed the locker, before shoving TwoBit toward it. "Keep on going, and I'll aim to find out for sure."

"Aw, man, you'd never do that to me. You like me too much."

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah. I actually am." TwoBit smiled wide, all his self-confidence on display. "You don't know what you'd do without me, buddy."

"Yeah. I do. I'd have peace and quiet."

"But that's boring."

"And you're annoying as hell."

"I don't think hell is annoying. It's just hot."

Against his will, Steve laughed. "All right. You got me there."

"Oh. So you admit defeat!"

"Me? Defeat? Never."

* * *

"Hello, ma'am. How may I help you today?"

The red-haired woman in the gray car parked beside the gas pumps smiled back at Soda. "A full tank, please. And keep smiling like that, honey. You're a breath of fresh air."

Soda opened the car's gas cap, then started to lift the pump's nozzle with his right hand, only for a sharp pain to go through his fingers. He switched to his left hand, then positioned the nozzle to begin filling the tank, his grip on the lever keeping the gas pumping. "It feels good to smile. So I'll do my best."

* * *

"Hey, Steve! Wait up!"

Steve slowed his pace and turned at the sound of Evie's voice. "Oh. Hi."

Evie caught up with Steve, falling into step beside him. "So how are things? You've been on my mind a lot lately."

"Um, they're okay, I guess."

"How's Soda doing? He's been on my mind too."

"He's hanging in there. Went back to work yesterday."

"How about you?"

"I'm all right. Been worse. How about you?"

"Better. I, uh, maybe you don't really want to hear this, but I broke it off with Kenneth the other day."

"Oh. Sorry to hear that."

"Yeah. We were never even almost serious, but it's still kind of tough."

"Yeah. I'm sure it is."

Evie gave Steve a smile and touched his shoulder. "Well, I gotta go. But I'll see you later, Steve."

Steve watched Evie walk away, his mind one of emerging curiosity. "Sure. I'll see you later, Evie."

* * *

"But you didn't win the bet, buddy. You rigged it! I have proof!"

"I won fair and square. So cut it out, and give me the money, man!"

Soda heard the two customers, who were still hanging around inside the station, guys not much older than himself, arguing back and forth. He tried to shut the words out, but found he couldn't, as his heart began to race.

"No! I ain't giving you the twenty bucks. Just forget it, dude."

"Aw, you know you owe me anyway. So just give me the damn money."

_"Give me the money, kid!"_

Soda heard the voice in the present, though the one of the past was beginning to eclipse it.

"Hey, Sodapop, I just have to finish up this paperwork and then-"

Soda drew in a fast breath, as he heard Mr. Coleman's voice speaking to him. "Huh? I- I'm sorry. I'm just not-"

_"Where's the key? Hurry up and unlock the damn thing. I don't got all night!"_

Mr. Coleman set the paperwork he held down on the counter, as Soda bent forward, hands on his knees.

"How about we make another bet? And it'll be double?"

"You're on. Get ready to owe me forty bucks."

_"I said hurry up, kid! Don't think I won't shoot you!"_

Soda could feel Mr. Coleman lay a hand on his back, the touch a double-edged sword that offered support, as it also reminded him of where he was.

"Yeah. All right, let's just get on out of here. I got other stuff to do."

"Okay. Sure. Let's split. It looks like something's going on over there anyway. Hey, is he okay?"

Mr. Coleman nodded, though he was uncertain of the truth. "Yes. He'll be all right." He ignored the lingering glances of the two customers, as they made their way back to the parking lot, turning his attention back to Soda. "What's happening, Sodapop?"

_"I'm done with you, kid. I don't have time for this."_

Soda shifted his gaze up to look at his boss. "Sorry. I just need a minute. I'll be- I'll be all right."

"Are you sure? You're shaking a lot."

"Yeah. Just need to calm down." You're not alone, Soda told himself. Mr. Coleman is here. This is not that night.

Mr. Coleman watched, as Soda stood up straighter and laid his hands on the counter top. "Is there something I should do?"

Soda shook his head, as he forced his eyes to look around, though the present currently invaded by his memories didn't provide the same sense of comfort as his own home. It's okay, he told himself. It's just the station.

Mr. Coleman gripped Soda's shoulder, as if to steady him in any way he could. "Do you need to go home?"

"No. I want to stay. Please don't make me go home. I need to stay."

"Take it easy, Sodapop. I wasn't going to make you go. I just wanted to know if that's what you need."

The bell dinged, signaling a customer's arrival, and Soda jumped, the sound melding with the voice and the images that still tumbled through his mind. He closed his eyes, then opened them again, focusing on the faces of the woman and young child who had just come inside, as the sound of the gunshot joined the chorus of memories.

Mr. Coleman saw Soda start to shake more, as he looked like he may not remain upright for much longer. "Hey, Sodapop, come sit down in the break room, okay? You look like you might collapse."

Soda felt Mr. Coleman guide him away from the counter and to the back of the station, detachment shielding him from the humiliation attempting to set in.

Mr. Coleman led Soda into the break room and settled him on the couch. "You just sit here and calm down, all right? Try to relax."

Soda nodded, numbness joining ranks with the despair that had only given him a brief reprieve, before it returned to swallow him into its depths that were frozen in the cold tide of hopelessness.

* * *

"Hey, Mr. Coleman. Where's Sodapop?"

Mr. Coleman glanced at the clock, as he spoke to Steve, who had just stepped through the door of the station. "I wasn't expecting you just yet."

Steve shoved his car keys in the pocket of his pants, knowing he was early. "Yeah. I left school a little sooner than usual, I guess. So where's Soda?"

Mr. Coleman motioned toward the back of the station. "Sitting down in the break room. He got kind of worked up a little bit ago. I'm not sure why yet. But I think he needed to relax."

"Damn it. I was afraid of that happening here."

"Well, I can't say I'm shocked cause I'm not at all. I just don't know why it happened right then."

"Since I'm here early, I'll go see if he's calmed down." Steve went in the direction of the break room, finding the door was open. He looked in and saw Soda on the couch, facing the back windows. "Hey, man, you doing okay?"

Soda hung his head, not turning around to see Steve. "Not really."

Steve closed the door to the break room, before sitting beside his best friend. "Coleman said you got worked up, that you needed to sit down and relax."

"Yeah. I did."

"You seem pretty calm now."

"I guess I am."

"So what happened?"

"It's stupid, Stevie."

"I doubt that."

"These two guys were in the station talking. One of them said something."

"To you?"

"No. To the other guy."

"Okay."

"This is so damn embarrassing. It's not like he was talking to me, and even if he had been, it shouldn't matter."

"Whatever it is, it did matter, man, or it wouldn't have bothered you."

"They had a bet or something, and he told the other guy to give him the money."

Steve recognized the words, understanding dawning on him, along with the swell of empathy that now seemed so familiar. "That's not stupid, Sodapop. Not even a little bit."

"You're my best friend, it's your job to tell me that."

"No. It's my job to tell you the truth, so that's what I'm doing. And speaking of jobs, I need to go punch in soon."

"Yeah. I should go on back and finish my shift too. I think I'm okay. Better than I was anyway."

"Come on then, buddy. But we'll talk later cause I should tell you something that happened to me too. Then, maybe you won't feel as bad."

* * *

"Nice work, Curtis! You can get on out of here now."

Darry started to tell Mr. Sanders he'd stay. "But, Sir-"

Mr. Sanders cut him off. "I'll pay you for the last hour. Now, go home, Darry. I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

"Steve, you can head into the garage and work on that pick-up truck that came in yesterday."

Steve took the paperwork Mr. Coleman handed him and started toward the door that led to the garage. "Sure thing, Sir. Shouldn't take long."

Mr. Coleman went over to the time clock, beginning to punch out for the day. "But even if you're not finished, be back inside in half an hour."

Steve nodded, as he disappeared from sight, the door closing behind him.

Mr. Coleman turned to Soda, as he finished up with the time clock. "You look better, Sodapop."

Soda fidgeted with the items he was putting on the shelf closest to the counter. "Yeah, I am, Sir. Sorry about that. It won't happen again."

"All right, but I don't think it's your fault. I've known you a long time, and I've never seen you freeze up like you did. You seemed scared."

"I guess I was. That kind of stuff has been happening a lot."

"Well, that makes sense, so don't feel bad about it. You got shot less than three weeks ago, Sodapop. Right here where we're standing. So I didn't expect you to just be great right away."

"Thanks for being so understanding, Sir. I know you don't have to be."

"Hey, I'm a good boss, right? I'd be a jerk if I weren't understanding about something like this. You have those tests tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah. Darry is taking me at about 9:00 in the morning. I don't know how long it'll take."

"So just come in when you're done, and make sure you let me know anything your doctor tells you about what's going on. Like I told you, we'll figure it all out."

* * *

"I know I've said some things that must make you wonder what it is I haven't told you yet."

Audrey looked at Nicholas, as she sat down in the chair across from him. "Yes. You have. But I just decided you'd tell me whatever it is when you're ready. I know it must be something hard, or you'd have just said it."

Nicholas lifted his elbows onto the table that was covered in a green and yellow checkered cloth. "It is hard, and like I said, it's something that also involves my son. So I had to talk to him about this first to make sure he'd be okay with me telling you what happened."

"I assume he is since we're talking now? You said someone hurt him. Is that what you're going to tell me about?"

"Yes. It is." Nicholas felt himself hesitate, the words he needed to speak getting stuck in his throat. "I'm sorry. I've talked about this before. A lot, actually. But it's still tough to start."

"It's okay. Take your time."

"About two years after Rose passed away, I got into a relationship. One that got serious rather quickly. Her name was Clara."

"Okay."

"She seemed like a decent person. She was nice to Steve, which of course, was very important to me."

"Of course. So how old was he then?"

"He was about eleven. Clara moved in with us, and things seemed okay. I thought she was good for me and for Steve. He and I both were still hurting over losing his mother. I thought maybe being with Clara could help us, and I was falling for her."

"Were things not okay with her, like you thought?"

"No, they weren't okay at all. But I didn't know. I didn't know she was this sort of person. I had no idea. I was letting her spend time with my son. I was sleeping with her and so blind to anything else. Which, I know now, is exactly what she wanted."

"What happened? What did she do?"

Nicholas looked at Audrey, his eyes meeting hers, able to see a soul that he knew he could trust. "Clara sexually abused Steve."

* * *

"Hey, little buddy, how was work?"

Soda kicked the shoes off his feet, as he answered Darry's question. "Not great, Dar." He looked at his big brother, seeing his still-wet hair and the fresh clothes he wore. "Hey, you got off early, huh?"

Darry picked his wallet up off the kitchen counter and opened it, counting the cash inside. "Yeah. Sanders is paying me for the hour I missed too."

"That's good of him. Coleman's being real nice to me."

"When hasn't he been?"

"Yeah, but it's different now. I'm more trouble than I'm worth."

Darry tossed his wallet back down on the counter and pulled a chair up to sit right in front of Soda. "More trouble than you're worth, huh?"

Soda started to stand, only to feel Darry's hand grip his shoulder and push him back down into the chair. "It just came out, okay? I won't say it anymore."

Darry kept his hold on Soda. "No, it didn't just come out. You are not more trouble than you're worth, Sodapop. That is not true, and it will never be true."

"Sorry, Dar. I didn't have a good afternoon."

"Then, tell me what happened, little buddy, instead of sitting here and putting yourself down."

"I had a flashback at work, and Mr. Coleman was standing right there."

"From what you just said, I'm guessing he was nice about it?"

"Yeah. He was. He let me sit in the break room for a little while, so I could calm down, and he told me not to feel bad."

"And you shouldn't. It's not like you meant for that to happen."

"Steve came in not long after and talked to me before he punched in. He didn't think I should feel bad either."

"So what does that tell you?"

"All of you are saying the same thing?"

"Well, yeah, but don't you think that could mean you're being too hard on yourself?"

"I don't know. Maybe. It was embarrassing."

Darry let go of Soda's shoulder, as he thought about how to change his brother's perspective. "I want you to step back for a minute, little buddy, and think about what you'd say to somebody else. I've never known anyone who has the understanding and compassion that you do. So, if this happened to someone else, and they were feeling bad, what would you say?"

* * *

"It wasn't something he told me. I don't think he ever would have either."

Audrey listened to Nicholas describe what had transpired during his relationship with Clara, tears in her eyes, as she thought of a young Steve suffering in such a terrible way. "So how did you find out?"

Nicholas continued the story of the past that had done so much to shape his relationship with Steve. "I found her in his room in the middle of the night. She was on the bed with him, and he was crying, begging for her to stop."

"So you caught her? What did you do?"

"She got away from Steve, as soon as she saw me. She tried to say he was having a nightmare, and she was comforting him. But I knew I'd just seen her touching my son. I told her to get out of our house."

"She must've listened. She couldn't have possibly expected to stay after that."

"She did try to argue, but I was very angry. Steve and I have been through our rough patches with one another, but no matter how blind I was then or have been since, I'd do anything to protect him. If Clara hadn't left, I might've killed her for treating him the way she did."

"How was Steve after this?"

"He had a hard time, and I'm afraid I was no help back then. Because I just didn't know how. He tried to talk to me, and I didn't let him."

"Why not?"

"Because I was selfish, honestly. But I also thought that was best. I thought the two of us should move on. Especially after we heard that Clara had killed herself. I didn't want to think about what happened because I felt guilty and because I didn't want Steve to hurt."

"Of course you didn't. So she killed herself right after this happened?"

"Yes. Pretty soon after. She was actually staying with Pastor David's wife, and she's the one who found her when she died."

"Grace?"

"Yes. Grace. She sat down with both Steve and me just months ago, so we could all talk. She recognized me when I first started going to church again. She came to our house back then to tell me about Clara. I didn't listen to much of what she had to say at the time though."

"How did she know Clara?"

"They were sort of friends. Not close, but they happened to meet in town. But of course, Clara didn't tell her what actually happened before she left our house. When Samuel and I first met, neither of us had any idea about the connection until Grace said something to him about it."

"You told me you and Steve weren't always close. Is all of this why?"

"Yeah. It's exactly why. Because I drank, instead of being there for him. We didn't discuss the abuse. I handled everything the wrong way because I couldn't cope with the fact that I'd been in a relationship with a woman, who would abuse my son. I was so intent on avoiding it, I didn't even realize what I was doing to him."

* * *

"Never mind, Darry. I don't want to think about this anymore."

Darry stood to his feet, at the same time Soda did, the declaration from the middle brother not entirely unexpected. "That's because you know I was about to tell you that you need to give yourself some of that same understanding."

Soda rubbed a hand over his face, letting it cover his eyes for a moment, as he closed them. "Okay. I hear you, Dar, and you're right. I'll try. I promise."

"Please do try, little buddy. I hate to see you hurting yourself more. You don't deserve that. You wouldn't expect somebody else to go back to work after getting shot there and be all right at first. I know you wouldn't."

Soda sighed, giving in to Darry's point that he knew held the truth. "Yeah. I know that too."

Darry went to Soda's side and put a hand on his shoulder, his heart leading him to go back to the words his little brother had spoken earlier. "It's impossible for you to ever be more trouble than you're worth because you are no trouble at all. Do you hear me?"

"Yes. I hear you."

"And you're worth more than I can even say, little buddy. I don't have the words for how much you mean to me. I know I'm not the only one either. So whatever you're feeling, always remember that."

* * *

"So, as much as it doesn't sound like it was a real relationship, Clara's the last woman you were with?"

Nicholas thought back over his history, the time he'd spent lost within himself, attempting to burn the bridge that would always connect back to his son's abuse, as he answered Audrey's question. "Yes. She is. I honestly didn't even think about dating anymore after that. I just wasn't in the place for it."

Audrey could see the pain on Nicholas' face, not surprised that it made her hurt for him. "I understand why you wouldn't be. I can see, as I've said, that you and Steve are so amazing now. What made you get close?"

"We got everything out in the open. The memories of the abuse started coming back to him almost a year ago, though I know now he never did forget, like I tried to believe he would. I should've known he couldn't do that. Not after what Clara did to him. But it really started affecting him badly, and he was hurting so much from the feelings he'd kept inside all those years."

"So do you mean you finally talked about the abuse?"

"Yes. We talked a lot. About the abuse, about Clara's death, about our relationship. Everything. We put all of our pain out there for each other to see so many times, and as hard as it was, both of us did a lot of healing."

* * *

Soda stepped into the bath tub, as the running faucet filled it with warm water. He sat down, immersing his lower body into the cleansing liquid, its warmth beginning to lather a calm over his physical senses.

The tub continued to fill, as Soda reclined back, careful not to soak his healing arm that currently wore no bandage. He relaxed into the water that promised to soothe him, feeling it rise to the middle of his body, the tranquility it held beckoning him into its stillness.

* * *

"Needless to say, Steve and I definitely had to talk before I asked you out. We both had to reassure each other."

Audrey felt herself smile, despite the seriousness of the conversation she and Nicholas were having. "He seems okay about us being together."

Nicholas smiled back at her, remembering how Steve had encouraged him. "He is. I think I was more hesitant than he has been, honestly. But please know that's nothing at all to do with you. It's because the last person I chose to trust hurt my son. It's also because I even thought I loved her. That's painful, even though it seems like nothing compared to how Steve suffered."

"It hurts to be betrayed in any way, especially by someone you believe cares about you. I think, even more so, when they did something like what Clara did. Because it's not like you can even begin to understand why."

"Steve actually wasn't the only child she abused. I don't have the whole story, but Clara said things that lead me to believe she did it to her own son too. Knowing that, it's even harder to feel any grief over her death because I'm sure she would've abused another child, if she'd had the chance."

"I'm not sure if there's anything I can do or say, and of course, Steve's much older now. But if you and I do stay together, I want you to know I'd never hurt him intentionally. You either, Nicholas."

"I know that. But thank you for saying it. I've told Steve over and over I'll be here for him, no matter what. Even if you and I get very serious, I'm his dad, and I won't do anything to hurt the relationship we have now."

* * *

Soda listened to the sound of the flowing water until it had nearly filled the tub. He turned the faucet off, before reclining back once more. He slid further down into the water, allowing it to envelope him.

Soda let his head lie back against the surface of the tub, its coolness complementing the warmth of the bath. He felt the water move over his chest, inviting him in with its gentle waves that were barely there. He dipped his head into the bath, soaking his hair with the water that flowed along his shoulders and neck. Staying still and closing his eyes, Soda felt only the water, his thoughts mesmerized by its nature, his senses craving more of the cleansing it could bring.

As his body reveled in the relaxation, Soda's mind took a turn, making the water's warmth fall prey to the coldness that continued to stir within him. He drew in a breath and held it, before letting his head sink further, the water moving over his ears, then immersing his closed eyes and mouth.

Soda didn't move, the sights and sounds of the world around him shut off, as he remained underwater. The need to breathe didn't rise above the impulse to hold himself there, succumbing to a baptism born of neither hope nor deliverance.


	18. Chapter 18

The clouds of darkness descended, bringing with them the power to alter and confuse, giving rise to seeds that, if sown, could grow into blooms of destruction.

* * *

I need to breathe.

_But I don't want to._

My chest is going to explode.

_ That's better than the pain above water._

* * *

"Are you out of your mind, TwoBit?"

TwoBit leaned on the counter across from Steve, gulping down the Pepsi he'd just attempted to swipe from the DX. "Hey, not long ago, you told me my head was empty."

Steve rolled his eyes, as he rang up the drink. "Oh yeah? You're letting the stuff I say stick with you now?"

"Only so I can throw it back at you."

Steve took the coins TwoBit handed him and deposited them in the register. "Oh, I'll find something to throw at you, all right."

* * *

Soda's head lifted out of the water, air filling his lungs against his will, as his body's urge for survival rose above the desire to surrender.

* * *

"Don't you have anything better to do, TwoBit?"

TwoBit looked up, pretending to think about Steve's question. "No. Not today."

Steve gave his friend's shoulder a shove, as he moved past him to open the box he'd left near the refrigerator. "I just ain't sure about you sometimes, man."

"Only sometimes? Hey, you're Soda's best buddy. Does he seem down on himself to you?"

Steve paused after he opened the refrigerator, the cold air hitting his face. "Why?"

"Just something he said to me and even the way he said it, you know?"

Steve picked bottled drinks up out of the box, restocking a shelf in the refrigerator, as he spoke. "Yeah. I know exactly what you mean."

* * *

Soda sat up, the water moving in quick waves around him, as he breathed in deeply, the pressure on his chest now relieved. He looked down at his right arm, seeing that he'd let the healing injury submerge in the bath, though it didn't appear to be affected.

Soda pulled the plug, hearing the water begin to drain. He remained there, watching the tub empty itself, the daring liquid of soothing serenity in which he'd immersed himself becoming a memory.

* * *

"Hey, Soda, can you hand me that fork right there?"

Soda didn't hear Pony's words at first, his eyes on the plate of food in front of him.

Pony tried again. "Soda?"

Darry sat down between his brothers, handing Pony the fork, before touching Soda's shoulder. "Hey, Sodapop, you okay there, little buddy?"

Soda broke out of his thoughts. "Oh. Yeah. Sure, Dar. I'm fine. Just tired."

Pony took a bite of his mashed potatoes. "Tired? You said you slept all night."

Darry picked up a knife, using it to cut up his pork chop. "So opening the window helped?"

Soda looked at his plate that remained nearly untouched. "Yeah. It helped a lot."

Darry ate his pork chop, as he watched Soda, his middle brother's expression adding to his curiosity. "Not hungry either?"

Soda took a bite of his roll, his appetite barely present. "Um, not really."

Pony drank the chocolate milk that was in front of him. "I didn't know it was even possible to fill you up."

Soda shrugged, taking a bite of mashed potatoes simply to satisfy his brothers. "Well, I guess it is."

* * *

"Hey, buddy, what have you been up to tonight?"

Soda sat down on the porch swing, as Steve was coming up the steps. "Not much of anything."

Steve took out a cigarette and lit it, before sitting beside Soda. "Really wasn't busy at all even after you left."

Soda traced a finger along the wood panels that made up the seat of the swing, the ground peeking up at him from between the slats. "Oh."

Steve blew out a puff of smoke, flicking ashes to the ground, as he put a hand on Soda's shoulder. "So I'm just going to jump right in here. I had a flashback a couple of days ago when my dad said something to me that was a lot like what Clara said once."

"What could your dad say that would sound anything like her?"

"He was mad at me because I said something I shouldn't have to Audrey. We straightened it out, but anyway, you know about when Clara" Steve paused, taking a drag off his cigarette, as he glanced around, making certain no one else was near. "got angry at me and made me touch her."

"Yeah. You told me about that."

"I'd asked about her going back to her own house, and that night, when she came in my room, she said 'how dare you say such a thing.'"

"Your dad said something like that to you?"

"Yep. Because of how I was being a pain in the ass. My brain went right back to that memory, as soon as he said 'how dare you,' and I could hear everything she said to me that night. I could feel her all over again too."

"Are you okay? I had no idea that happened, Stevie."

"Yeah. I'm okay now. I wasn't for a few minutes, but my dad helped me get through it."

"So just those words, they did that to you?"

"They did."

"Oh."

"So what happened at work today, it's not stupid. You believe me now?"

"I guess so. I could hear the robber when that guy said- when he said what he did."

"I know you could, buddy. I got it right away."

"But not even just that. I could hear and see everything again."

"I bet it wasn't even only the words that made it so bad, man. Think about it. You didn't hear it at home or something. You heard them in the same place you got shot."

"Yeah. I know."

"But, either way, that's still such a fresh memory for you, and you're over here trying to process it."

"That's true."

"Words really stick in your brain sometimes. Good ones and bad ones. Thoughts stick too, and it can be a pain in the ass to control any of it."

"So how do you?"

Steve put his cigarette out, then tossed it away, his voice contemplative, as he squeezed Soda's shoulder. "I think you just learn to understand and accept it and give yourself whatever you need to live with it."

* * *

Soda's head lie at the edge of the window sill, his pillow tucked underneath him.

_What the hell was I thinking?_

Soda's eyes stared at the sky, as air moving through the open window.

_I was thinking I only wanted to feel the water._

Soda closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, feeling the beat of his heart, as he held it.

_But what was I trying to do?_

Soda let out the breath, as he opened his eyes, the full answers to the questions in his mind more than he could bear to admit just yet.

_I was trying not to breathe._

"Hey, man, why do you keep disappearing on me lately?"

Soda didn't move away from the window when he heard Steve's voice speaking to him. He only shrugged, finding he didn't have the words to explain without risking telling his best friend too much of the truth.

Steve sat on the bed with Soda, settling near the other end of the window sill and resting his arm on it. "So did this help?"

"Huh? Did what help?"

"Opening the window and moving your bed here. Did it help you sleep?"

"Oh. Yeah. It did help."

Steve saw Soda draw his arms up on the window sill and bury his face in them. He reached over and touched his back. "What is it, man?"

I can't tell you, Soda thought. "Just not feeling so great." I can't tell you the rest, so please don't ask.

"I know how you feel about seeing a counselor, buddy. And I don't blame you. But I want to tell you to think about it again, okay? You have a lot going on in that head of yours. Even some stuff that isn't only because of the shooting."

"Yeah."

"Especially after what you told me on Sunday, I want you to have any help that you can." Steve put his arm around Soda and gave him a squeeze. "And while I'm on that, please know you can always come to me with those feelings if it happens anymore. Maybe it won't, but I'm just saying. You've always made sure I know I can come to you, so I'm doing the same.

"Thanks, Stevie." It has, Soda thought. It has happened more. "I do know."

"Samuel gave you his phone number, right?"

"Yeah."

"I think you should call him. I'm not just saying that cause you talked to him before. I'm saying it because I have too, and he helped a lot."

"Okay." But if I call him, Soda thought, it'll all spill out. "Maybe I will." I'll tell him this too.

"Like I said, I want you to have any help you can."

Soda sat up, then put his arms around Steve, laying his head on his shoulder.

Steve hugged his friend back, praying silently as he did. "Just need a hug, buddy?"

"Yeah." Soda held on tighter. No, he thought. I need to tell you something. I need to tell someone. "I guess I do." But I can't.

* * *

"I told Audrey about Clara today."

Steve looked up from the homework he was checking over, as he heard Nicholas' words. "Oh. How'd that go?"

Nicholas sat down beside Steve and put one arm around him. "Okay. Once I started talking, it wasn't so hard to keep going, and she didn't say much. She mostly listened."

"So what'd you tell her?"

"Just what I said I would. I told her about the abuse and about me and you."

Steve looked at Nicholas, failing to keep a straight face. "Well, if all that didn't scare her away, I guess nothing will."

* * *

"Darry, I don't want to, okay? I don't feel like doing anything."

Darry sighed, then joined Soda on the back porch steps. "All right, little buddy. I was just asking. You've barely been anywhere for weeks."

Soda leaned on the porch rail, resting his head against it. "Sorry. Didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's okay. I can handle it, Pepsi Cola."

"I think of Dad every time you call me that."

"Should I not call you that?"

"No. I want you to. I mean, I like it, Dar. I like to think of Dad."

"Okay. Just checking."

"We'll see them again one day, right?"

"Mom and Dad? Sure we will."

"Heaven must be real nice."

"I'd imagine so. I'm sure it's beautiful."

"They talk about it at church. About how there's nothing bad up there. No pain or sickness or anything."

"That's what makes it Heaven."

"One time when Samuel told us we could pray and ask Jesus to be in our hearts and to, you know, forgive our sins, I did it. So I can go to Heaven. But I didn't do it just for that. I want God to hear me and be there for me. I want him to know I believe in him."

"He knows, little buddy. He knew even before you prayed."

"He knows all the stuff I think and feel."

"He sure does. That's what makes him God."

A moment of silence fell over the two brothers, and Soda felt Darry slip his arm around him. I want to, he thought. I want to tell you how much it really hurts. "Yeah, he wouldn't be God if I had to tell him everything for him to know about it." But I'm afraid to tell you what only God knows right now. I'm afraid of what you'd say.

"But it helps to do that anyway, right? Isn't that what prayer is?"

Soda looked up at the sky, as he moved his head to lean on Darry's shoulder. "Yeah. That's exactly what it is."

* * *

"Are you okay, Dad? I was just joking. Please don't look like that."

Nicholas broke out of the daze he'd fallen into, replying to Steve. "I know, Son. I know you were joking."

Steve closed the folder in his lap and set it down on the nightstand. "Okay. But you don't look like it. What's wrong?"

"Just talking about all of that again, it's painful. Especially when I remember how you and I used to be."

"But that's not us anymore."

"It feels hard to believe that it ever was. I can't even imagine not talking to you like this, Son. Not being there for you."

"I can't imagine it either. But that's a good thing, Dad. Cause it tells you how far away from that we are. It tells you how far we've come."

"That's true, and you're right, Son. If hearing about all of this didn't do it, then nothing could scare Audrey away."

* * *

"I don't mean to break into your thoughts there, little buddy. But I think I need to ask you something."

Soda lifted his head from Darry's shoulder, dread forming inside, as he wondered what his big brother was going to ask him. "Okay."

Darry still had his arm around Soda and gripped his shoulder. "I'm not saying you shouldn't talk about Mom and Dad or about Heaven. But what you said just now about there not being anything bad or any pain, that bothers me when you look the way you do right now."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean it's only been a couple of days since you told me you'd been feeling like hurting yourself. So hearing you talk about Heaven, that makes me worry what you're thinking tonight."

"But I- I'm not thinking anything, Dar. And how do I look right now anyway? What are you saying?"

"You look like you're feeling down, little buddy. That's all I'm saying."

"Oh. Well, I guess- I guess I am. But when I was talking about Heaven, I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean I was thinking I could, you know, go there or anything."

"Okay. I was just wanting to check on you. I was going to anyway, especially since you had a rough time at work earlier."

"I don't think I feel as bad about that as I did."

"Good. I'm glad to hear it." Darry started to stand, expecting Soda to follow. "Why don't we both head to bed, little buddy? It's going to be a busy morning."

Soda reached for Darry's arm. "Hang on, Dar. Everyone's been checking on me. What about you?"

Darry sat back down, searching Soda's gaze that was on him. "What about me?"

"It was hard for you to be back there, wasn't it? At the DX?"

"Yeah. It was."

"You can tell me stuff like that, you know. You're always going out of your way for me. If I can, I want to help you feel better too."

"Thanks, Pepsi Cola. I know I can tell you, and I'll keep that in mind."

* * *

"Okay, we're all done here, sweetie."

Soda felt the nurse slide the needle out of his arm, able to see a small dot of blood that remained on his punctured skin. A piece of gauze was pressed onto the area, tape placed over it.

The nurse disposed of the used needle, then placed the labeled vials of blood in a container.

Soda watched her also dispose of her gloves, then wash her hands with soap and water, before she removed a hospital gown from a cabinet beside the sink. "Do I have to put that on?"

The nurse unfolded the thin blue material of the gown, then handed it to Soda. "Yes, sweetie. Put this on and wait here. It shouldn't be long."

After the nurse had left the exam room, Soda took his t-shirt off and slipped his arms through the sleeves of the gown. He pulled it over his shoulders, noticing Darry was looking at him. "Nice look for me, huh, Dar?"

Darry got up from his chair and went over to be near Soda. "Yeah, little buddy, it's your color too."

"I heard blue is supposed to bring out my eyes." Soda hopped down from the exam table and undid the button of his jeans, sliding them off.

Darry reached for two of the strings on the back of the gown and started to tie them together.

Soda held still, quiet as Darry moved on to tie the second pair of strings, then the last.

"I thought you'd be bouncing off the walls in here, little buddy."

Soda shrugged, as he felt Darry's hands come to rest on each of his shoulders. "Yeah. I just don't feel like it."

Darry rubbed Soda's back and shoulders, able to feel the tension in his brother. "You can relax, Sodapop. It's all going to be okay. These tests are nothing very difficult to go through, remember?"

Soda looked over to see Darry grinning at him, and he grinned back. "I know."

"All right, little buddy. So tell me. Do you think that nurse was hot or what?"

Soda burst out laughing. "Geez, Dar, that ain't what I was expecting you to say at all."

"Well, I distracted you, didn't I? Besides, I do think she was hot."

"And I think she was way too old for you, big brother."

* * *

"What if something really awful is going on with Soda?"

Steve scowled at Pony. "What the hell are you talking about, Kid?"

Pony followed behind Steve, but then reached for his arm. "I'm serious, Steve."

Steve led Pony away from the main part of the hallway, stopping near a closed classroom door. "So what are you asking me here, Ponyboy?"

Pony shifted under Steve's gaze, looking down at his feet. "I mean- I just-"

Steve's expression softened, along with his voice. "I'm sorry, Kid. You can say whatever it is you wanted to."

"I just meant what if they do these tests today, and it's worse than the doctor thinks. Like worse than even nerve damage."

"I don't think there's a reason to worry about that, Pony. A lot of the time, Soda seems like he's doing better with his arm and all. It's not like his symptoms are worse or anything."

"I just don't like thinking there's anything wrong, you know? It's not bad enough that he got shot? Or that it's bothering him so much?"

"I know. Believe me, Kid. I know. But just think of the tests like this, all right? They're doing them, so the doc knows what Soda needs. So then, he can figure out the best way to take care of him.

* * *

"Take it easy, little buddy."

Soda lie back on the exam table and felt Darry rub his shoulder, as a technician placed electrodes on his skin, sticky patches that he'd explained would record nerve activity. "I'm trying, Dar."

The technician put the last electrode on Soda's forearm, all four now placed over the nerves possibly affected by the gunshot. "All right, Mr. Curtis, I-"

Soda shook his head, looking at the patches that decorated his right arm, none of them far from the uncovered injury itself. "Call me, Sodapop. Please."

The technician nodded, smiling at Soda. "Okay then, Sodapop. Each of these electrodes are able to deliver very mild shocks when stimulated by the one I showed you earlier. When they do that, you'll feel a bit of a jolt. It's nothing to worry about and nothing that can hurt you. It's simply to record the responsive electrical activity of the nerves in your arm. Any questions before we start?"

Soda turned his head to look at Darry. "You're staying in here, right?"

Darry nodded, taking a seat in the chair across from the monitor that would display the waves of nerve activity. "I'll be right here, and you'll do just fine, little buddy."

* * *

"Oh. Hey, Evie. I didn't even see you there. What's up?"

Evie's gaze locked with Steve's, the whole speech she'd planned suddenly leaving her mind blank. "Um, I wanted to ask you something, Steve."

Steve shrugged, as he put his history book and English notebook in his locker. "Okay."

"Do you think we could go out sometime?"

Steve stared at the inside of his locker. "Uh. Go out? You mean like a date?"

"Yes. I guess. Yeah, that's what I mean."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Evie. I'm sorry."

* * *

"Damn, that does feel weird."

The monitor displayed the wave of nerve activity created by the electrode's stimulation, as Soda felt the shock pass through his body.

* * *

"But why not?"

Steve turned to look at Evie, speechless at first, as he tried to comprehend her questioning of his reply.

Evie stared back at her former boyfriend, interpreting the expression on his face. "What? It's been a long time, Steve."

* * *

Soda laid his head back against the vinyl cushion of the exam table, the next jolt of electricity making him look down at the patches on his arm. "Are we almost done?"

The technician eyed the monitor's display, making notes of the waves of activity. "We'll be done soon, Sodapop. You're doing great."

* * *

"You can't be serious, Evie."

Evie didn't move her gaze from Steve's face. "I am serious. It's been months."

Steve gripped the open door of his locker. "It's been just a few months, and that doesn't change what all happened between us. I don't want to go through any of that again. Is this just because you broke up with Kenneth?"

"No. I've really been thinking about you a lot. I was hoping we could try again. Maybe it'd be better."

"I can't, Evie. I can't do that. We did try again. I'm sorry, but it's still over."

* * *

Soda ran his fingers over the skin where the electrodes had been, able to feel traces of residue from the adhesive. "So what now?"

* * *

Steve slipped on his gym t-shirt, before taking a seat on the bench in the middle of the locker room, completely tuning out the noise and banter around him.

* * *

"It'll sting a bit, kind of like a shot."

Soda stared at the needle electrode the technician held. "Okay."

Darry stood near his brother's side, nodding toward the instrument . "So you put those in the muscles?"

The technician nodded. "Right. They'll record the electrical activity both when the muscles are at rest and when they're contracted. Basically, what you'll see on the monitor over here are waves that tell you how well Sodapop's muscles respond when the nerves are stimulated."

* * *

Steve heard the bell ring, as he finished tying his shoes, the locker room now empty. He shook his head, as if trying to clear it, the conversation with Evie one that had left him unsettled.

* * *

Soda flinched at the sting of the needle, as it slid into his muscle. "Ouch."

Darry saw how focused Soda was on the procedure, and knowing more electrodes were about to be inserted, set out to distract his brother. "Hey, Sodapop, did you get that nurse's name earlier?"

Soda looked up from the next needle about to slide beneath his skin. "What? Dar, she's too old for you. She's like thirty or something."

Darry saw a smile on Soda's face, even as the needle went in, so he kept going. "Thirty ain't old, little buddy."

Soda chuckled at his big brother. "Well, maybe not since you're over here getting old before your time anyway." He lifted his left hand, pointing at Darry's head. "That gray hair you've got says it all."

Darry smiled, noticing his little brother only flinch at little bit at the next needle's sting. "And just exactly who do you think gave me that gray hair?"

Soda tore his gaze away from Darry, the smile falling off his face, just in time to see the last needle go into his skin.

* * *

"Keep going, Randle! You're making great time!"

Steve's feet pounded the dirt track, hearing his coach shout to him, as he rounded the bend just after the quarter mile marker.

* * *

Soda let his right arm relax at his side, feeling a twinge of a shock move through him, as he looked at the waves on the monitor's display. "It's kind of tuff how that can tell you anything."

Darry hovered close by, watching both the monitor and Soda, not forgetting the earlier expression that had fallen over his little brother's face. "Yeah, it is."

The technician studied the waves and his notes. "All right, Sodapop. We're getting close to finished. I need you to bend your arm at the elbow again now. Only this time, do it more forcefully."

Darry chimed in, seeing another chance to make Soda smile. "Yeah, little buddy. Do it like you're showing off all that muscle you've got."

* * *

Steve drew in a breath of the fresh air that was blowing in his face, as he continued to run, nearing the one mile marker.

* * *

The last needle electrode slid out from underneath Soda's skin, and he lifted a hand to rub at the sore spots on his arm. "So is it all over now? Are we really finished?"

The technician moved all of the equipment to the side, as he nodded. "Yes. We're all done, Sodapop."

Darry spoke up next, as he reached for Soda's clothes that had been folded up and put on the other chair in the room. "How long until we know something about results?"

The technician picked up his clipboard, checking that each page of information was in order. "Probably a few days, so you should get a call from Dr. Simons by Monday." He turned to Soda. "You might have some soreness and bruising from the last procedure, but I assure you it's nothing to be concerned about."

Soda lifted his gaze up from his arm to meet the technician's eyes. "Okay. Thanks."

Darry nodded to the technician, as he slipped out of the exam room, leaving the two brothers alone. "Well, what do you say you get dressed and we both get on to work, little buddy?"

Soda lifted himself off the exam table, his socked feet touching the tile floor, as he took his clothes from Darry's lap. "Okay, Dar." He turned around, gesturing to the ties on the back of the gown. "Can you undo these please?"

"Of course." Darry stood to his feet and started to untie the top pair of strings.

Soda felt the gown loosen, as the back came completely undone.

"There you go" When Soda didn't move after a moment, Darry touched his shoulders, gently guiding him to turn around. "You did fine. I know that was all uncomfortable for you. But you're done. You're all right, Sodapop."

Soda's brown eyes met Darry's blue ones, as he held folded arms over the clothes he was about to put back on, so they could leave the hospital. But I'm not all right, he thought. I'm not. He lowered his head and pressed his face into his red t-shirt, feeling the gown slip from one of his shoulders, leaving it bare.

Darry eased Soda into a chair, pulling the other one closer, before he sat down himself. "You just need a minute, little buddy?"

Soda lifted his head to look at Darry, then nodded. "Yeah. I guess so."

Darry put his hand over Soda's, giving it a squeeze. "Okay. But we should go soon. Or they might decide to kick us out of here."

Soda felt a smile tug at his lips. "Yeah. Or I'll have to witness you asking that nurse out and her rejecting your ass."

Darry chuckled, as he let go of Soda's hand. "Rejecting me, huh? Damn, little brother. What are you talking about? I look good, and you know it."

Sod pulled the hospital gown off, then tugged his t-shirt on. "Hmm. Maybe. But not as good as me. I'm cuter."

Darry pulled Soda into a headlock, just as he was standing up to put his jeans on. "You want to say that again, little buddy?"

Soda laughed, instead of trying to get out of his brother's hold. "Yeah. I do. I'm cuter than you."

Darry felt a sigh of relief escape him, as he let his head rest against Soda's for a moment and listened to his little brother's laughter. "Uh huh, whatever you want to tell yourself there, Pepsi Cola." As long as you're smiling again, he thought, you can say anything you damn well want.

* * *

"Hey, Steve-O, what happened to your face?"

Steve snapped out of his thoughts, his reply to TwoBit quick. "You're one to talk, man. Look in the mirror lately?"

TwoBit kept up with Steve's fast pace that was leading them away from the gym. "Actually, yes, I have, and I really liked what I saw."

"We must not see the same thing."

"Come on, man, turn that frown upside down. You look like-"

Steve cut TwoBit off, pushing him out the set of double doors they were passing. "Please stop, TwoBit. Please."

TwoBit looked at Steve's face, the tears he could see in his eyes startling him. "What's wrong, Steve?"

Steve wiped at his eyes, feeling TwoBit lay a hand on his shoulder. "I can't talk about it here, man."

"All right, buddy. It's almost lunch time. You want to get out of here for a little while?"

"Yeah. That's probably a good idea."

* * *

"You're being quiet again, little buddy."

Soda glanced at Darry, as he chewed a bite of his bologna sandwich. "Just don't feel like saying anything, I guess."

Darry picked up his own ham sandwich and took another bite of it. "Oh. All right. Just wondered if you were thinking anything."

Soda stared at his healing arm, the bandage covering what remained of the wound that would soon fully transform into a scar. He flexed his fingers, attempting to drown out the persistent ache punctuated by sharp pangs of pain that would then radiate up. "Hey, Dar?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you drive me to work?"

"Sure. If you want me to. Why?"

"It's hurting, and that makes it hard to drive."

"Take an aspirin too, little buddy. That should help. But of course I'll drive you."

* * *

"It was just weird, man. The way she asked, then looked at me like I was crazy when I said no."

TwoBit sat beside Steve on the hood of his car, listening, as he told him about the conversation with Evie. "You ain't crazy, man. You didn't tell me much, but I pretty well got the gist about the two of you."

Steve glanced at his buddy, as he tapped his foot against the headlight underneath it. "It makes me wonder if I'm wrong or something, you know? Like I'm supposed to give it a chance. And maybe even like I owe it to her."

* * *

"I'm just going to take a piss, Dar. I'll be out in a minute!"

Darry nodded at Soda, then stepped out the front door, truck keys in hand.

Soda waited until the door closed behind his brother, before he picked up the phone and dialed the number on the slip of paper in front of him. He held his breath, as the line rang, only letting it out when he heard Samuel's greeting. "Hi. It's Sodapop. You said to call you if I needed to talk, and um, I think I really do."


	19. Chapter 19

The clouds of darkness shifted, as they were given a voice that could lead to their ultimate defeat.

* * *

"Don't worry about it, Dar. I figured you'd need to work late after taking all morning off anyway. I'll just call Steve, or I'll walk home."

Darry watched Soda slide out of the truck and shifted it back into gear. "You going to be okay here? That pain any better?"

Soda shrugged, leaning on the still-open passenger door. "Not that bad. I'll be fine."

"Okay. I'll see you later tonight, little buddy."

* * *

_I have a right not to want to go out with her._

Steve's pencil pressed hard onto the paper in front of him, the numbers adding, then multiplying.

_I don't have to do anything or go out with anybody._

The pencil's lead broke in the middle of the equation.

_But what if this means I never will?_

* * *

Soda's right hand opened, dropping the quarters and dimes into the cash drawer. He heard the sound of the coins clanging together, then started to pick up some pennies, only for them to slide right out from between his fingers.

"Hey, what's taking so long?"

Soda flinched, both at the customer's words and the pain in his fingers, as a tingle shot through them. He switched to his left hand that easily picked up the pennies. "Sorry about that."

"Oh. Don't worry. It ain't a problem. I shouldn't be in such a rush."

Soda counted the four pennies, dropping them into the customer's palm, as he gave her a smile. "Thanks for being patient. You have no idea how much it means."

* * *

"Hey, cheer up, man. The day is all over!"

Steve sighed, TwoBit's words not even beginning to make him smile. "Yeah. I just got some shit to work out in my head, and it's going to take some time."

TwoBit patted Steve's back. "I can see that. I really ain't trying to be an ass. I hope you know that."

"Nah. That's cause you don't gotta try. It just comes natural."

* * *

"So I don't really know anything yet. But the tests are done."

Mr. Coleman tightened a bolt underneath the hood of the car he was working on, nodding along with what Soda was telling him. "Okay. You should know more soon then. How are you doing anyway?"

Soda ran his fingers along the edges of the toolbox. "Sometimes good. Sometimes not. I've been hurting today, and my hand and arm feel kind of weak. Sore too, but that's cause of one of the tests."

Mr. Coleman looked at Soda's arm, able to see skin that would be sore right now. "Looks like you've got a little bit of bruising there."

"Yeah. It ain't that bad. They stuck needles in my arm."

"The wound itself is healing okay, right? Not giving you any problems?"

Soda could see a bit of a bruise peeking out from underneath the bandage. "Nah. It's been okay. I should be able to leave this off soon. It's really just there now, so nothing hurts the skin that's still trying to heal up some more."

"Okay. Well, keep me posted, Sodapop. For the most part, I think you're doing just fine being back here."

* * *

"You can hang here for a while, TwoBit. I'm not working this afternoon."

TwoBit sat down in the Randles' kitchen, putting his feet up on the chair across from him, as he accepted Steve's suggestion. "Sure. Why not? I got nothing better to do."

Steve pulled the chair out from under TwoBit's feet and sat down in it. "Nothing better, huh? Should I be offended by that?"

TwoBit noticed the lack of humor in Steve's question. "Nah. I'm just kidding."

"I know that, you goof."

"Oh. Just making sure. You didn't sound right."

"Yeah. Sorry. Cause I'm not. My head is kind of screwed up right now."

"Cause of Evie?"

"No. Cause I broke a nail. Yes! It's because of Evie."

"All right, all right, no need to get snappy."

Steve held his hands over his face. "Sorry, TwoBit. I don't mean to be an ass to you. It ain't your fault this shit is coming back to bite me."

"You can be an ass to me if it makes you feel better. I can take it."

"Apparently. Or you wouldn't still be sitting here right now."

"Hey, I've got some tough skin."

"I think you're looking for the phrase 'thick skin,' man."

"Yeah. Whatever. You knew what I meant."

"What do you think about graduating, TwoBit?"

"I don't know. It's pretty tuff, right? I mean, no more school. I like it, but I've stuck around long enough."

"Me and Sodapop were talking about it the other day. It's kind of hard to believe, you know?"

"Sure. Hey, you going to wear that cap and gown?"

"Of course. I don't think my dad would let me get out of that one anyway."

"Yeah. My mom's not going to believe it til she sees me in that get-up."

"It doesn't really bother me, I guess. We'll all be wearing it."

"I should ask the school to put 'Two-Bit' on my diploma."

"You do know that's not your real name, right?"

"Yeah, but it's weird cause even my mom only calls me 'Keith' when she's mad or something."

"Yeah. How about that, huh? A couple more months, and we'll be high school graduates."

* * *

"Thanks for picking me up, man. I was going to walk but uh, I'm not exactly going home."

Steve's eyebrows furrowed, hearing his car's passenger door close, as Soda slid into the Ford. "What do you mean? You coming to my house?"

Soda fidgeted with the hem of his DX shirt, not looking up at Steve. "No. Not to your house. I'm going to Samuel's, actually. And I know you know exactly where his house is so..."

"Oh. Okay. Good, man. I'm glad." Steve started the car, watching Soda for a moment. "So how were the tests?"

"Not terrible. They shocked me."

"Shocked you? What happened?"

"I mean literally. To test my nerves and muscles and stuff like that."

"Oh. Wow."

"And I had needles in my arm that went into the muscles. It stung like hell when the guy put them in."

"Ouch. So do you know anything about the results yet?"

"Nah. Maybe Monday. Dr. Simons is supposed to call."

Steve started to pull out of the DX's parking lot. "Did you call Samuel already?"

"Yeah. He knows I'm coming over after work."

"You just decide you want to talk to him?"

"Um, yeah. I guess."

Steve drove his car into the flow of traffic, going in the direction of Samuel's neighborhood. "Okay. Good. Like I said, I think you should talk to him. He's real great for that, seriously." The Ford moved along the road, blending in with the vehicles surrounding it. "Evie asked me out today."

Soda's head shot up, his eyes staring at Steve. "She what? What did you say?"

"I told her I don't think it's a good idea. Then, she looked at me like that was crazy and asked why."

"Why? She doesn't know that already?"

"Yeah. Exactly. She tried telling me it's been a long time. It really hasn't, but it's not about time going by. We tried again already."

"Wasn't she seeing some guy?"

"Yeah. They just broke up. Apparently, she's been thinking about me a lot. You don't think I should do it, do you?"

"Do what?"

"Go out with Evie."

"No! I mean, not if you don't want to. You two went through a hell of a lot together, and it ain't been long at all."

"It's messing with my head, Sodapop. I didn't see that coming."

"I didn't either, man."

"I'm not wrong to say no to her?"

"Of course not, Stevie. You broke up with her for a reason, and it's not like that's gone away. You guys really did try too."

"It's just thinking about it makes me wonder what if- what if this is my only chance?"

"Your only chance? What are you talking about?"

"I mean, with Evie, she already knows everything about my past, right? And we still have a connection. We always will. So if she's willing to be with me, even after all this, maybe it's my only chance to have someone."

"Are you saying you think no other girl is ever going to want you?"

"I don't know. I'm just saying it's easier cause she already knows, and she still accepts me."

"Can I say what I'm thinking right now without you getting pissed at me for bringing it up?"

"Yeah. Go ahead. I ain't going to get mad at you, man."

"When you had that flashback while you two were together, and she kissed that other guy right after, she wasn't accepting you then, buddy. I know Evie cares about you, but nothing about that was easy."

"You're right. I know you're right. Even though I do understand where she was coming from. I guess maybe I do think no other girl is going to want me, and it's not like I could just never tell someone I'm with about my past. I'd have to, and I know these same problems would still come up. At least Evie loved me anyway, even after she knew how tough it could get."

"You might not like me for saying this either, but I am."

"What?"

"Are you okay just not being with anyone right now? You've seemed like you are, man."

"Yeah. I guess."

"Then, don't go jumping into something with Evie because you think it's your only shot. You deserve better than that. So does she, honestly. Damn, Stevie, after everything you've been through just recently, it's okay to have time to yourself and not even think about any of that kind of stuff. Please just take some time to breathe. You don't need to figure it out right now, buddy, especially if it bothers you this much and starts making you think things I know hurt you real bad."

Steve crossed the next intersection, before making a right turn onto Samuel's street. "Yeah. Maybe I should do that. But just hearing Evie ask me to go on a date, it got me feeling overwhelmed. I mean, I actually wasn't even thinking about any of it til then anyway. I've got a lot of other things and people in my life, so it's not like it's empty, you know?"

Soda looked at the numbers on the mailboxes passing by, recognizing the address Samuel had told him when Steve's car was approaching the driveway. "It's this one, right?"

"Yep." Steve stopped beside the curb and looked at the familiar sight of Samuel's brick house. He saw that Soda didn't make a move to get out of the car. "You going in, buddy?"

"Yeah. I just- I don't know."

"Do you need me to stay?"

"No! Um, I mean, no. It's okay."

Steve reached over and gave Soda's shoulder a squeeze. "Are you nervous about talking to him?"

"No. Just nervous about some stuff I'm going to say."

"I know what you mean, man. I've been the same way. But it's Samuel. He'll try to help you with stuff, and he'll listen. He always does."

* * *

"It's okay, Sodapop. We're just talking, so try to calm down and relax."

Soda listened to Samuel's words, trying to take courage from them, as he also felt the preacher's hand resting on his back. "I can't. I can't calm down. There's a reason I called you when I did."

Samuel watched Soda, the anxiety practically radiating off of him. Feeling a familiar nudge, he closed his eyes and began a prayer. "Father, in the name of Jesus, please touch Soda right now. Give him whatever words he needs and help him feel calmer. Please, God, touch his heart, and help me have the words to speak too. Amen."

"Steve's been doing that too."

Soda opened his eyes, finding Soda's gaze meeting his own for the first time since he'd come inside the house. "Doing what? Praying?"

"Yeah. He'll hug me or just sit here like this, and he'll pray outloud."

"From what I've seen of you two, that doesn't surprise me."

"What I want to tell you, I'm afraid to tell Steve or my brother. But I know both of them would want to know. I'm just not sure what they'd say, and that scares me."

"Okay."

"I wasn't going to tell anybody, but I don't know if I could do something worse, and that scares me too. So I think I should cause maybe that could help. Or it might not."

"There's only one way to find out."

"Before, I would've thought I couldn't even think about doing anything like that, but now, I have felt like it kind of a lot. And just knowing about Steve makes me realize I didn't think he could either, but then, he did. So maybe I could too."

"You could what, Sodapop? What are we talking about here?"

Soda stared back at Samuel, sending up his own prayer for words that would explain. "I'm talking about how I've felt like hurting myself."

"Have you talked to anyone else about this? Is that what you're afraid to tell Steve or your brother?"

Tears filled Soda's eyes, as he shook his head. "No. They both know about it. I told Steve on Sunday. You know, when I was outside after church."

"And that was also when he asked me to talk to you. That was why?"

"Well, it's probably not the only reason cause I've had more than that going on. I'm not sure what he's told you."

"Not very much. Basically that the memories of the shooting are bothering you."

"Yeah. They are, then I had these thoughts about wanting to die or just not be here anymore. But it's gotten worse. It's like this urge sometimes, and I think I couldn't even describe it if Steve didn't get it the way he does."

"All right. So did something happen that you're afraid to tell either of them?"

"Yeah. It did. Cause I was feeling like that again yesterday. Not all the time, but just later. I went back to work on Monday. It's been pretty okay mostly. But yesterday, I kind of had a flashback there, and it really upset me."

"It seems like anyone would have a difficult time returning after what you experienced. I think it'd be hard to go back at all."

"It was worse when I first went back inside the DX right after the shooting. It's not easy now, but I've been able to get through. I was okay today. I guess it just depends on stuff and what's going on around me."

"Absolutely."

"I mean, when people come inside, sometimes I get jumpy. I get scared easy. And if anything reminds me of the robber, it's hard cause I go right back to that night."

"So you had a flashback at work, then later, you felt like hurting yourself?"

"Yeah."

Samuel waited for Soda to continue, only to be met with silence. He leaned closer to him, a hand on his shoulder, as he attempted to catch his gaze. "What happened, Sodapop? Whatever it is, you can tell me. I know you and I don't talk often, but when we have, you've told me things that were hard for you to say."

Soda squeezed his eyes shut, a few tears seeping out. "I held my head underwater. I tried to stay there. I never wanted to come back up or breathe again."

Samuel's mind momentarily flashed to Matthew and the water that had taken him under, making him drown. Yet, he forced himself to focus on what Soda was telling him. "Where did this happen? What water?"

"In the bath tub. I just wanted to relax, but then, it was almost full, and I tried. I tried to stay under."

Samuel saw more tears drip onto Soda's cheeks and started to rub his back. "Why? What is it you wanted to happen?"

"Just what I said. I didn't want to breathe again. It felt good at first too. Cause I was in the water, and I couldn't think or anything."

"So then what?"

"My chest started to get tight, and it didn't feel good anymore. I had to come back up. I had to breathe. But I still didn't want to."

Samuel slipped his arm around Soda's shoulders, his own emotion beginning to tangle with this young boy's pained confessions. "Sodapop, are you telling me you were hoping you'd drown if you stayed under the water long enough?"

Soda nodded, finding the urge to sob had grown even greater than the instinct that had made him come up for air. "Yeah. I mean, I just wanted to lose myself in there, not have to feel anything anymore. Cause I keep hurting. Ever since I got shot, a bunch of times, I've wanted to be dead or just gone, and I've never been like that before."

Samuel took a moment to catch his own breath, aching inside at the idea of desiring to drown and greatly troubled by this insight into Soda's fragile state of mind. "I want you to know something, okay? I get what you're feeling. I do. I've been where I didn't care if I lived or died and didn't want to feel anything ever again because it seemed like there was nothing but pain. But you're here talking to me, and I know you've been talking to Steve and to your brother. So that tells me you know you can recover. You can feel better than you do right now. You're not handling all this pain alone. You're letting us help you through it, even though you can't see past it the way you want to."

"I'm trying to get through it, and I don't even understand all of it. I just don't feel right inside. I mean, I feel better sometimes, but never for long."

Samuel put his other arm around Soda and drew him into a hug, letting him sob into his shoulder. "I hope you can still say you know you much you're loved, and I hope it means something."

"I do know, and it means a lot to me. No matter who I talk to, everyone's always telling me too."

"I know I haven't known you very long, Sodapop, and I sure don't know you as well as Steve or your brothers or even Nicholas. But you told me you don't understand the pain you're going through, and I think maybe I do."

* * *

"That doesn't mean she's avoiding you, Dad. Maybe she's just not home."

Nicholas sighed and put the phone receiver back in its cradle, realizing Steve spoke logical truth. "I know, Son. I'm just worried."

Steve peeked inside the oven at the casserole that was baking, heat moving onto his face, before he closed it. "What are you worried about?"

"What if I did scare her away? Or what if she's thinking about everything I told her, and she sees me differently?"

"Dad, I think she really loves you. She's not just going to decide to ditch you because of something you told her that happened a long time ago."

"But I even told her the things I did wrong. What if-?"

Steve touched Nicholas' shoulder, his voice soft, even as he cut off the anxious questions. "Stop it, Dad. If anything, maybe she's just trying to let what she heard sink in, and if she does see you differently, it won't be in a bad way."

"How could that not be bad?"

"Cause she'll see how strong you are, and she'll get how much you've changed since then. She'll see you're being honest with her too."

A smile came over Nicholas' face, as he looked at Steve. "When did you get so wise, Son?"

"I don't know. I guess it happened somewhere between feeling like hell all the time and being a smart ass. I picked up some wisdom along the way."

* * *

"You've been through more already than most your age could ever imagine or comprehend, Sodapop. It didn't just start the night you got shot."

Soda felt Samuel's words move through him, giving life to a sense of validation. "Yeah. I guess I have. Starting with when my parents died. It's hard to believe how much more has happened since then too."

Samuel popped ice cubes out of the tray he'd just taken out of the freezer, adding some to each of the two glasses in front of him. "I'm sure I don't know everything, but just from what I do know, I wouldn't be surprised if other things, especially grief and even past fears, are contributing to what you're feeling now."

"Yeah. Maybe. That'd make a lot of sense to me. It sure feels like there's more going on."

Samuel refilled the ice tray with water, then put it back in the freezer. "I think sometimes bad things that happen have a way of drawing others back to the surface. Especially if similar feelings are involved. I know I've experienced that, even at times when I was seeing someone else going through pain, not necessarily going through it myself. But you know how much that can hurt too."

"I do." Soda looked over at Samuel, seeing him pour lemonade in both glasses. "Can we go sit outside? Please? It just helps me, I guess."

"Sure we can, if that's what helps you." Samuel picked up the glasses and motioned for Soda to follow him out the door, both of them stepping onto the front porch.

Soda sat down in one of the rocking chairs, taking the cold glass of lemonade Samuel handed him. "I just needed to tell someone, you know? I couldn't keep it to myself. I can't ever do that with anything, not even when I really try."

Samuel took a swallow from his glass, before setting it on the table that stood between the two rocking chairs. "Do you know why you couldn't keep yourself in that water, why you didn't drown?"

Soda tasted the lemonade, its soured sweetness touching his taste buds, as the fresh air blew onto his skin. "Because it was shallow, and I had to breathe, even though I felt like I didn't want to be alive anymore."

"Right. But your physical body doesn't give up that easily, Sodapop. Even if you're in pain, it's going to fight to survive. It'll do whatever it can to breathe and stay alive."

Soda held the lemonade in his hands, the ice cubes beginning to melt and condensation forming on the glass. "But I'm still afraid I could do something really bad. Like I'll hurt myself, and it won't be so simple."

"I'm concerned about that too. I'm more concerned about why you tried to make yourself stay under water than I am anything else. What you did isn't particularly dangerous, but what you were thinking could be."

"It's good to be able to talk about it. I wanted to so bad last night. But I don't want to hurt my brother or Steve, and I don't want them to be mad at me. I mean, like I told you, they already know everything else, how I've been feeling and stuff. But this makes it worse. I remember how Steve was afraid to be alone cause he felt like he might do something to hurt himself. And now, I wonder if I should be too."

* * *

"It's just a casserole, Dad. It's not like it was hard to make."

Nicholas pushed his fork into another chunk of creamy chicken, as he replied to Steve. "But it is good, Son. You're going to be cooking more often now. You know that, right?"

Steve rolled his eyes, as he stirred the rice and chicken that made up the casserole. "Yeah, right. You like cooking. Not that I can't see why." He looked down at the plate, pondering an earlier conversation that had yet to leave his mind. "Dad, what if I can never be with anyone again? What if I don't even really want to?"

"Do you mean what if you can't ever be in a relationship with a woman again?"

"Yeah. I mean that."

"You're young, Steve, and if you don't want to be, that's okay. I can understand why you'd feel that way too."

"Did you ever think you wouldn't?"

"Yes. I did think that. It would've been hard not to, especially since I wasn't exactly looking."

"Evie asked me to go on a date with her, but I can't imagine doing that."

"That's not surprising, Son. Not after everything. I'm sure it wouldn't be very comfortable."

"But I don't think I'd say 'yes' to any girl right now. It just sounds too overwhelming to me."

"Then, you don't have to. I wouldn't expect you to date now, honestly. I think it's too soon after everything you've been confronting, especially with the issues you and Evie had to handle."

"But, I mean, you didn't really answer my question, Dad. What if I can't ever date or be in a relationship because the same stuff always messes it up for me?"

"I don't think it'll always be that way, Son. I really don't."

"I don't even know how it wouldn't be. I think it'll always be like that, and I can't imagine it ever changing."

* * *

"Steve brought you over here, right? Do you need a lift home?"

Soda felt the tears in his eyes again, as he shook his head in response to Samuel's second question. "No. He said he'd come back and get me. Should be here soon."

Samuel touched Soda's shoulder. "Hey, I want you to know something, okay? I'm glad you came and talked to me, and it all stays between us. You can trust me."

"Okay. Thanks for saying that."

"You can call me anytime you want, and when I'm home, the door is always open, Sodapop. But I also want to say no one who cares about you is going to be mad at you for anything you tell them. I don't know your brother, but I've heard enough to get that you're close. I do know Steve, and the only thing he wants is to help you."

"Yeah. Me and Darry are close, and I can see that with Steve all the time."

"So let them be there for you completely. I'm not saying you have to tell them everything, but just remember you can. And even if you don't tell either of them or anybody else what you told me earlier, can I ask you to do one thing?"

"What?"

"You said you wonder if you should be afraid to be alone, so I think you should try not to be. Especially if you had a bad day or something happened that's bothering you at all. You said that both Steve and Darry know how you've been feeling, so I'm sure they can help with that. I can too, if you need me."

"Yeah. You're probably right. Everything seems to get worse anyway when I'm alone, not even just the thoughts about hurting myself. I'll get real anxious or have bad flashbacks."

"This is something I know you've heard me say often, but please remember that even when it doesn't seem like it, God is with you in whatever you're feeling. When it hurts, he still loves you within the pain, and anything you need to say, he'll always listen."

* * *

"Hey, preacher guy, did you save me some of that lemonade?"

Samuel responded to Steve's inquiry by pouring him a glass. "Of course, Steve. What do you take me for?"

Steve took the glass of lemonade from Samuel. "I'm not sure. I'm still trying to figure it out." He sipped the drink, eyes searching the house. "So where's Sodapop? I thought he'd be ready to go by now."

Samuel nodded toward the hallway. "He's back there in the spare bedroom. He just needed a minute to himself."

"Oh. So, um-" Steve looked toward the bedroom he knew had once belonged to Samuel's son, seeing the door was open only a crack. "Can I or-?"

"Go talk to him if you want to, Steve. You know Sodapop better than I do."

"He talked to you, right? I mean, I'm not asking what he said or anything like that. I wouldn't cause that's not right. But he seemed nervous earlier, so I just wondered."

"Yes. He did. We talked quite a bit."

"I told him he should talk to you because it helped me too."

Samuel saw Steve's gaze still lingering down the hallway. "Go on, Steve. Go see how he's doing. He'd do the same thing for you."

* * *

"God, if I feel like that again, could I just stop and tell you about it? Would that help me?"

Steve didn't make out the words of Soda's whispered prayer, as he looked in on his best friend, who was seated on the bed in the corner right across from the wooden chest that held many of Matthew's toys. "Hey, buddy."

Soda gave Steve a grin, though his heart was still caught in silent prayer. "Hey."

Steve entered the room, joining Soda at the foot of the bed. "So how was it talking to Samuel?"

"It was good, I think. I guess I, um, got a little bit more off my chest."

"Yeah. He's good for that."

"Stevie, I, uh, I'm not saying that I did or anything, but if I ever do- I mean, I'm not saying I will, but..."

Steve put a hand on Soda's arm when he heard his words trail off. "You're not saying you will what?"

Soda met Steve's eyes for barely a second, before looking away again, his thought tumbling out before he could think about it further. "If I did ever try to hurt myself, would you be mad at me?"

"No, buddy. I wouldn't be mad at you."

"So if anything ever happened, and I really did do something like that, or even just almost, you wouldn't be mad?"

"No. I wouldn't. Nowhere near it, man."

"Okay."

Steve moved his hand from Soda's arm to his shoulder. "After all I went through, I could never be mad at you for anything like that, buddy."

"I guess I should know that, huh?"

"I would hope that you do, but I know how much some feelings can make you worry about those kinds of things."

"I was mad at you, Stevie."

"You were? When?"

"Right after you overdosed, when you were still in the hospital. I didn't want to be, but I couldn't help it."

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"I didn't want you to know then. But I was mad because you did it and you meant to. Cause you went and got the pills, even though you came close to taking them before. I was mad because you kept saying you didn't want to die, but you tried to anyway."

Steve squeezed Soda's shoulder, the grief from his own suicide attempt building up within him. "But that anger didn't stop you from being there for me, and it didn't stop you from trying to help me not be so mad at myself."

"No. Of course it didn't."

"Sodapop, did you do something, or almost do something, that you think I'd be mad at you for?"

"No! I just- I was just thinking, and I don't know, wondering about stuff."

"You're not good at hiding, buddy. If anything did happen, I won't be mad at you. I promise. Just remember that."

"I'm going to tell Darry I want to see the counselor."

"Good. I think it could help you."

"I'm still not really comfortable with the whole idea, but I feel like there's too much going on, and I can't- I just can't sort it out. I'm not getting better either."

"I know you've got Darry, but I'll even go with you too, if you want, man."

"You'd do that?"

"Of course I would. I'd do anything for you, buddy."

"Thanks, Stevie. And not just for that. I know I've been awful hard to put up with lately."

"Well, it's not like I'm easy to put up with. But seriously, I want to be here for you, so don't even say that."

"What I said about being mad at you, I want you to know I didn't stay mad long. It was just at first when it was hitting me real hard what happened."

"Have you been thinking about that a lot? You've brought it up more than once lately. I mean, even besides when you told me you felt like hurting yourself."

"Yeah. I guess I have been thinking about it a lot."

"It seems like it's because there were things you couldn't tell me then, so they're coming out now."

"Yeah. I guess they are."

"Is there more?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

Steve pulled Soda into a hug, his eyes filled with tears that were on the verge of falling. "I'm sorry that's bothering you, buddy. So sorry."

Soda returned the embrace, guilt moving in to wrap around his heart, as he heard the shake in his friend's voice. "No. Don't do that, Stevie. Please don't feel bad. I shouldn't have said anything about it at all."

Steve only cried, his face buried in Soda's shoulder.

Soda closed his eyes, holding onto Steve, as he resumed his prayers, this time seeking God's touch on behalf of his best friend.


	20. Chapter 20

Their spirits held on, not succumbing to the waves that lit fires beneath the pain, sending it reeling out of the dark corners in which it lurked.

* * *

"I'm sorry, honey. I'm just not feeling very well right now."

Vivian wrapped her arm around Samuel's waist, her hand feeling his cheeks and forehead. "You don't look well either. What's wrong?"

Samuel leaned against his wife, breathing in her presence, as the ripples of grief enveloped him. "I miss him. I miss him so much, and I'm afraid it could happen again."

* * *

"Are you okay now, buddy? I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to hurt you."

Steve felt Soda squeeze his shoulder, as the Ford came to a stop beside the Curtis' driveway. He nodded, his gaze meeting that of his best friend. "Yeah. I'm okay now, Sodapop. And I know that, man. You were just being honest."

Soda glanced out his window, seeing his house and Darry's truck that was parked in the driveway, beside his own Chevy. "Yeah. I was. I just hate that I made you cry."

"Aw, well, I've been as much of a bawl baby as you have lately."

"So you forgive me?"

"Of course I do. But you didn't do anything wrong, buddy. The stuff we've been talking about is just hard. But you need to talk about it, and even if it's painful for me, I want to go through it all with you."

"That means so much to me, Stevie. It really does."

"You're my best friend, so when you hurt, I hurt. It doesn't matter what the reason is. So being there for you, it helps me get through whatever I'm feeling too."

"I can dig how that works. I feel the same way."

Steve switched off the car, finding that he remained in a fragile place, as tears burned his eyes once more.

Soda saw Darry's face through one of the front windows, momentarily meeting his gaze, before he turned back to Steve. "I guess I'll talk to Darry tonight and tell him- Hey, you don't look okay, buddy."

"No. I am. I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"Sodapop, I couldn't do anything to stop it the night you got shot."

"No. Of course you couldn't, man."

"But that's not even all. You were talking about school the other day, dropping out to help you and your brothers stay together."

"Yeah. What about it?"

"I couldn't stop that either. I couldn't stop you from losing your parents and after, there was all kinds of shit I couldn't do anything about."

"Samuel told me he thinks that what I'm feeling now could be from other stuff too. Like grief and fear coming back up, I guess, cause I've been through a lot, even besides getting shot."

"I can damn sure get on board with that, buddy. He's probably right. It seems like shit that hurts you has a way of connecting and hitting you all at once. Hell, it did that with me too."

"I hope you know it's okay you couldn't stop anything from happening. You're not turning up new ways to feel guilty, are you?"

"Nah. I'm not. I was just going to say I couldn't stop anything that's hurt you, and that makes me want to do whatever I can to try to help now. I'll do anything to make it all better."

* * *

"I keep imagining that we'll have this beautiful baby, a child to love and care for. But then, I worry we'll lose this one too."

Vivian listened to the fear that plagued Samuel's heart, then reached for his hand. "I understand, sweetie. That worries me too. Losing a child is something you don't ever expect to happen. It seems impossible. So once it does happen, you can't go back to living in that perspective. But we can have some faith that we won't go through that pain again."

Samuel blinked back the tears in his eyes, as he stared at Vivian, seeing her as both his wife and a grieving mother. "I can't. Because if Matthew hadn't loved me and wanted to spend time with me, he'd still be alive."

"Samuel, it's not your fault. It was an accident. You're going to love this baby, and he or she is going to love you and be safe with you."

"How can I know that, Vivian? How can I know something won't happen to this child too when I'm not looking? Matthew drowned right there out in the backyard! He died because I didn't even see him go back outside!"

"But it was still an accident. If you'd known what was happening, you would have saved him, and I know you still tried."

"But I was too late! I don't know why God would let me be a dad again. I don't know why he'd ever give me another chance."

"Because he loves you and wants to bless you. Matthew is safe with him now, and God doesn't blame you any more than I do. He knows it wasn't your fault."

"But I don't! I thought I did. I thought I had some peace with this, but knowing we're having this baby, I can't imagine being able to trust myself. I can't imagine having any faith."

* * *

"That was a quick shower, little buddy."

Soda stepped into the living room, still rubbing a towel on his wet hair, as he joined Darry on the couch. "Uh, yeah, I guess it was."

Darry, relaxing against the couch cushions, moved his gaze away from the television to look at his brother. "So how was the rest of today?"

Soda let the towel fall onto his lap, his hands moving over the damp material. "It was all right. Just work and stuff. Then, I uh, went over to Samuel's house to talk to him. Cause he um, told me I could if I wanted to."

"Oh. Okay."

"And I think- I mean, I might want to see a counselor."

Darry sat up straight, all of his attention now drawn to Soda. "All right. I think you should do that, little buddy. I still have the card Dr. Simons gave you at your last appointment."

"Dar, I know I could do it, but would you- Would you call for me?"

"Sure. I'll call tomorrow and see when they can get you in." Darry saw how Soda still wouldn't look at him and laid a hand on his back. "Is there something that made you change your mind?"

"No! I mean, I don't know. Maybe. I just feel like I'm getting worse, not better. And maybe it could help cause there are a lot of things bothering me."

"I think it's a good idea. I really do. I feel like I can't do enough for you, so maybe someone who knows more can."

"Darry, you do more than enough for me. So don't feel bad, please. You were even making me smile at the hospital today. Damn, you were _there,_and it's not like you had to be."

"I'm not just talking about stuff like that, little buddy. I'm talking about being able to help you with the flashbacks and the way you're feeling and thinking."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I-"

Darry squeezed Soda's hand, as he shook his head, cutting off the apology. "No. Don't be. What's going on is not your fault, and it's not your fault I wish I could do more for you."

"I'm nervous about it, Dar. I'm nervous about talking to somebody I don't know about all this stuff."

"I know you are, but don't get too far ahead of yourself. Take this one step at a time too, and we'll just see how it goes."

* * *

"Praise the Lord! How good it is to sing praises to our God; for he is gracious, and a song of praise is seemly. The Lord builds up Jersusalem; he gathers the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds."

"Dad?"

Nicholas lifted his eyes up from the Psalm he was reading to see Steve looking at him through his open bedroom door. "Hey, Son. I was just doing a little reading, before I go to bed."

Steve went over and sat beside his dad in the room lit only by the lamp on Nicholas' bedside table. "I want to ask you something."

"Okay."

"Do you ever still think about when I overdosed? Like how you felt then and what you said to me or wanted to say?"

Nicholas' eyes moved over the Psalm, the pages of the Bible still laying open in front of him. "Yes. I do, Son. I almost lost you, so it's not something I'll stop thinking about completely."

"Oh. But does it bother you? I mean, does it still ever make you feel sad or guilty or anything like that?"

"Well, of course. I think it always will."

"I wish it didn't. I never meant for that to happen."

"I know you didn't. But it's that way because I love you. Why are you asking me this, Son? What's on your mind?"

"Soda's been thinking about it. About my suicide attempt. I don't want him to. He's got enough bothering him without me adding to it. I couldn't stop everything else, but I sure could have stopped that."

"I know Sodapop doesn't blame you, Son. Not any more than I do. If that's bothering him, it's for the same reason it bothers me. He loves you too."

"I feel like I've been through this already, you know? With the guilt. But I guess it's kind of coming back up."

"Did you tell Sodapop that? Maybe you should."

"I kind of did. I just started crying, and I told him I'm sorry. But that made him feel bad too. I want him to be honest with me, Dad. I don't want him to not tell me stuff or feel bad for telling the truth."

"I'm more than sure he doesn't want you to feel bad either."

"I know. He told me not to. It's really hard though."

"I think you should tell him, Son. That's the best way to deal with all that guilt. You can both be completely honest with each other."

* * *

"I ain't going to mess with it, Dar. It's healed up a lot since that happened anyway."

Darry eyed Soda's right arm and the bandage he had just unwrapped from the nearly healed injury, the reassurance not making him forget what his middle brother had done to the skin not long ago. "All right, little buddy. I guess it is up to you, and you're right. It has."

Soda put a drop of food coloring in the pancake batter. "And it's not like I'm doing anything at work that could hurt it or anything. I can't wear a bandage forever."

Pony looked in the bowl of batter Soda had made, an amused smile on his face. "Blue pancakes, huh?"

Soda grinned at Pony, as he lifted the bowl to pour some of the batter into the hot pan on the stove. "Yep. Can't have normal pancakes now, can we?"

Darry had just opened the refrigerator and was reaching for the bottle of maple syrup when the sound of tin clattering against the tile floor grabbed his attention.

Soda backed away from the stove, frozen, as he stared at the mixing bowl on the floor and the blue pancake batter that had splattered along the tile and the counter. "Sorry. I shouldn't have- I mean, I should've used my other hand to pour it so-"

Pony picked the bowl up off the floor, then used a spatula to flip the pancake that was cooking. "It's okay, Soda. There's plenty of time to make more, and it's not hard to clean up."

Darry handed Pony the box of pancake mix and slung his arm over Soda's shoulders. "It's all right, little buddy. It was just an accident."

Soda's head dropped, unable to bear the understanding and compassion that surrounded him. "It was just like the mug of hot chocolate that day, Dar. I lost my grip, and it slipped."

Darry reached for the spatula and scooped the just-cooked pancake onto a plate, leaving the burner on, as he saw Pony was almost finished mixing a new batch of batter. "I know. I know it did. But it's still an accident."

Pony held the bowl out for Soda to see, complete with food coloring. "Look. Still blue. I made it just like you did."

Soda managed the smallest of smiles, as he nodded at Pony, who then poured some batter into the pan on the stove.

Darry grabbed a roll of paper towels, beginning to clean up the spilled batter.

Soda stared at the pancake that was cooking, the circle of blue batter beginning to bubble on top, creating the familiar aroma of breakfast, as heat seeped into it. His gaze shifted to the mess that remained, the splattered mix waiting there for the paper towels Darry was using to soak it up. He reached for one, ripping it from the roll, then crouched down on the floor. "Sorry, guys. You shouldn't have to clean up after me. I ain't a kid."

Darry balled up a used paper towel and tossed it into the trashcan. "Don't sweat it, Pepsi Cola. It's fine."

Pony flipped the half-done pancake over. "Yeah, Soda. It ain't like you meant to do it."

Soda looked down at the paper towel he held, the blue batter saturating it. "No. I didn't mean to."

Darry, ever aware of how Soda's emotions often played out on his expressive face, couldn't refrain from watching his middle brother. He saw his brown eyes cloud over with a palpable downheartedness that the oldest Curtis knew sprang from so much more than spilled pancake mix. "Don't feel bad about it, Sodapop. Things happen."

Soda lifted himself back up and tossed the paper towel into the trash can, seeing Pony cooking another pancake and realizing that his big brother was watching him. "I ain't going to start bawling or something, Dar. Ya'll are right. It ain't a big deal, and I don't feel bad about it. It was an accident. I'll just be more careful next time."

Darry heard the feigned sincerity in Soda's words, the sound of his middle brother's voice only serving to make the assurances unconvincing.

Soda turned away from Pony and Darry, his eyes traveling to his right arm. He stared at the raised ridge that was a forming scar, the skin around it pale from being covered for most of the time since the shooting, small bruises marking where the needles had been placed to test his nerve function. How can I not feel bad? he wondered.

"Hey, Soda! Breakfast is served. Come on and eat, before we all have to split."

Soda broke out of his musings at the sound of Pony's voice, though one internal question lingered in the tender center of his heart: How can I not feel like I'm even less than what I used to be?

* * *

Darry pressed the receiver to his ear, as his finger dialed the phone number on the card in front of him. _Alice Grayson_, it read. _Community__ Counselor._

* * *

"Hey, man. How's it been today?"

Soda shrugged in response to Steve's question, as he watched the most recent customer's car pull away from the gas pumps. "Okay. I guess."

Steve's eyes were drawn to Soda's arm, noticing his injury was no longer covered. "Is it okay for you to not wear the bandage now?"

"Yeah. I'm healing up, so it's fine."

"Are you sure? I don't-"

"Yes! I'm sure. It's fine, Steve. Damn it. I can take care of myself, you know."

"Hey! I was just asking. There's no reason to get all pissed at me."

"I don't need you guys hovering over me all the time, like I can't do anything on my own!"

"Hovering? No one is doing that. What the hell are you talking about, man?"

"Just leave me alone! If you're really my friend, you'll listen to me."

"I am listening to you! And what do you mean _if _I'm really your friend? You know I'm your friend, Sodapop."

"Leave me the hell alone then."

"Fine. I'm going to go punch in. You should know better than to do this with me. I know all about lashing out, so you may as well give it up right now. Come talk to me when you're done being a jerk."

* * *

Samuel looked up, clad in the dress shirt and pants that made up his work uniform, his eyes meeting the ceiling above the sanctuary. "I'm sorry, God. I should have more faith."

He sat back against the wood of the pew, his vision blurring with tears, honest words of prayer flowing from his lips. "But please help me with that because I don't know how."

* * *

Soda looked at the clock, as he punched out, ending his shift for the day. "Damn it. I shouldn't have been like that to him." Sighing, he went through the door that would take him into the garage. He peeked inside, seeing his best friend working underneath a car he knew had come in for repair earlier that afternoon. "Stevie?"

Steve remained under the car, the sigh clear in his voice, as he spoke. "Yeah, Soda?"

"I'm sorry for the stuff I said. I didn't mean any of it."

Steve slid out from under the car, his hands greasy, as he sat up on the creeper. "Where did all that come from, man?"

Soda stepped all the way into the garage, looking over at the jacked-up car, before his eyes dropped to the bare concrete floor. "I've just been real frustrated."

"With what?"

"Myself. But not cause of what you said. And I know you're my friend. I shouldn't ever say anything like I don't know that."

"Damn right." Steve stood to his feet, reaching for a rag to wipe his hands. "I was just checking on you. I don't want you to think that I don't believe you can take care of yourself and stuff. It's not like that."

"I know. I know that's not what you think."

"It's how you feel about yourself, isn't it, buddy?"

"Yeah, I guess. So you ain't pissed at me?"

Steve tossed the rag back down and went over to Soda, squeezing his shoulder. "No. I'm not. Like I told you, I know all about lashing out."

"You're off tomorrow afternoon, right?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Darry um, he called earlier to tell me there was a counseling appointment open tomorrow cause somebody cancelled."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"You don't have to, but yeah, I kind of do."

"Then, I will. I meant it when I told you that, man. If I can make it better or easier, I want to. Even if all I can do is be there with you."

* * *

"I feel like it's been forever since I last saw you, Sodapop."

Soda hardly allowed the words to leave Penny's mouth, before he pressed his lips to hers.

Penny, though she hadn't expected the kiss, reciprocated it. She stroked Soda's back and shoulders, as she lie back against the pillows on her bed.

Soda threaded his fingers through Penny's hair, as his tongue slid into her mouth.

Penny moved one hand to Soda's face, brushing her fingers over the skin, before she broke the kiss. "We're still taking things slow, right?"

Soda's face stayed close to Penny's, falling deep into her blue eyes. "Yes. Of course we are."

Penny smiled at Soda, as she drew him closer to her once more and then resumed the kiss.

* * *

"Sorry, Dar. I guess I just wasn't thinking and kind of forgot some stuff."

Darry absorbed the familiar words coming from Pony's mouth, as he looked over the two exams in front of him, both with failing grades written in red ink. "Forgot _some _stuff? Ponyboy Michael, what the hell have you been doing for the last two weeks?"

Pony eyed his big brother, disbelief etched into his features. "Are you kidding me? I've been trying, like I always do!"

"This is not trying! You can do a lot better than these grades. It's getting close to the end of the year, Ponyboy. You don't have the time to fix this now!"

"Don't tell me I'm not trying. That's not fair! And it's not like these are my only grades. These are the only tests I've failed all year. We still have finals too!"

"Then, you better get to studying. You're coming up on your junior year, and this ain't the time to be messin' around."

"Messing around? Have you _been_ here lately, Darry? It doesn't make sense to you that I'd have a hard time focusing?" Pony reached for the tests in Darry's hands and snatched them back, as he turned away from his brother. "We're not all like you, you know. We can't all just keep going everyday like nothing hurts."

* * *

"It feels nice just to lie here with you."

Penny looked at Soda's face, sharing the same sentiment, as she put her head on his shoulder, one hand resting on his chest. "It does. How have things been this week?"

Soda reached for Penny's hand that was on his chest, covering it with his own. "Kind of rough sometimes."

"You had those tests yesterday?"

"Yeah. I did. They were uncomfortable, and I'm still sore from it, but Darry stayed with me the whole time."

"So how's work? You went back on Monday, right?"

"It hasn't been terrible. Not most of the time anyway. Stuff scares me pretty easy, and I had one of the uh, flashbacks that made me feel like I was, you know, going through that night again. They're real strong memories."

"So your boss has been nice about everything?"

"He's been great. Better than I could ever ask for. I miss working on the cars though. He hasn't let me yet. Not that I blame him or anything like that."

Penny moved her hand from underneath Soda's and touched the forming scar on his arm. "It looks like you're healing up well. Amazing how that works, isn't it?"

"That's why you want to be a nurse. To help people heal, right?"

"Yep. Pretty much. I think it's interesting too how the physical body can be sick or injured and come through it. It's incredible to see what time can do."

But what about the rest of me? Soda wondered. What about the part that's not physical, the inside no one can see? What about my heart?

* * *

Soda's eyes flitted back and forth between his brothers. "Is something going on with ya'll or what?"

Pony spoke first, his fork piercing the hotdog on his plate. "Yeah. Darry's pissed at me cause I failed two tests."

Darry held his silence, covering his own hotdog in ketchup.

Soda reached for a bun and split it open. "Oh. Why'd you fail them, Pone? What happened?"

Pony's gaze locked with Darry's for a moment, as if waiting for him to jump in with his own answer to the question. "I just had some trouble concentrating. That's all. It's not because I don't know the material."

Soda took a bite of his hotdog, as his gaze moved from Darry, then back to Pony. "Oh. Well, I'm sure you'll do better next time. You got good grades on the rest, right?"

Pony nodded, wiping a mixture of ketchup and mustard from his mouth. "Yeah, I get great marks in math and science. I'm glad _someone _remembers that."

Darry stood up abruptly, the legs of his chair screeching against the kitchen floor. He picked up his plate, then went out the back door.

Soda heard the door slam behind his big brother, his gaze remaining fixed in that direction. "Damn. There ain't a reason to go trying to make it worse, Pone. You two are making me tense. I hate it when you guys fight."

Pony picked at the corn on his plate. "I'm not making it worse. He didn't even try to understand, Soda. He asked me what I've been doing for the last two weeks and accused me of not trying, of messin' around."

"Darry knows you do your best. He'll calm down eventually. It ain't like he's used to you bringing home failing grades."

"He doesn't get it. Not everyone can hold it together like he does and focus when shit is happening around them."

"What are you talking about? Why couldn't you focus?"

"You. I couldn't focus because of you, Sodapop! I know Darry can go to work everyday and roof houses, like nothing happened and be just fine. But I can't!"

"You did lousy on those tests because of me?"

"Because I've been worried about you, but even worse than that, I was scared to death when you got shot. And it was so hard to see you in that hospital."

"Oh. I'm sorry, Pone. I really didn't know. I mean, I did, but I didn't know it was making school hard for you."

"Well, it is. It's tough watching you go through all this. You know, the nightmares and everything else and then knowing you're still hurt. I wish it never happened to you, but it did."

"I'm so sorry, kiddo. But I'm- I'm okay. All right? I don't want you to worry about this stuff. I know you were scared that night. I was too, little brother. I hate remembering it, but it's in my head all the time."

"You would never try to kill yourself, would you, Sodapop?"

"What? Why are you asking me that?"

"Because I want to know. Because it scares me to think you could ever do anything like that."

"This is what you've been worrying about? But why, Pone? What made you even think of it?"

"How could I not think of it? You haven't seemed like yourself, and Steve did it not that long ago. I know you've been going through some stuff that bothers you the same way. I know he's had flashbacks, you do too."

"But I'm not... That's not what I'm going to do, Pony. I swear. I wouldn't do that. What Steve's been through, it's different. He was hurt in a different way. I'm not feeling anything like he did." Please believe me, Soda thought. I need you to believe me. Because I can't imagine telling you the truth.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: So here's an early update! I'm at home recovering from an ear infection, and my household has also had an exposure to coronavirus, so I've had a ton of time on my hands lately and very little physical energy, which has resulted in quite a lot of writing. Since I'm crazily far ahead of myself and wrote this chapter over two months ago now (and have been so looking forward to posting it because I think things turn out a bit unexpectedly!)...Enjoy!:)

Lightning formed, masquerading as a beacon of hope, as it poised itself and prepared to strike.

* * *

"Audrey! I've been trying to call you, but you didn't pick up."

Audrey stepped forward to greet the surprised Nicholas with a peck on the lips. "I'm sorry. I got kind of busy over the last couple of days."

Nicholas slipped his arm around Audrey's waist, leading her into the living room. "It's okay. Not like it's been long at all. It's just after everything we talked about the last time we saw each other, I admit I sort of got a little worried."

"Worried? About what?"

"That you might not want to see me anymore."

"But why wouldn't I want to see you?"

Nicholas took a seat on the couch, taking Audrey's hand to guide her down beside him. "Everything I told you doesn't exactly make me look good."

"Nicholas, you don't look bad to me in the least. If anything, knowing all of this makes me love you even more."

"It does?"

"Of course. You told me about the mistakes you made, but you've done what you need to to take care of your son and mend your relationship. I know it was hard to tell me about your past, but you shared your heart with me too by doing it. You know what I think about that?"

Nicholas saw the smile beginning to cross Audrey's face, and he started to smile back at her. "What?"

Audrey touched the collar of Nicholas' shirt, then let her fingers brush over the stubble on his face, as she leaned closer to him. "I think it's sexy."

* * *

"Hey, Darry?"

Darry heard Soda's soft voice, more regret immediately falling on his shoulders. "I'm sorry, Sodapop. I know you don't like being in the middle of our arguments. That's why I just walked away earlier."

Soda closed the door to his big brother's bedroom, before sitting down with him. "It's okay. But I wish you wouldn't be so hard on Pony. You already know that though."

"I shouldn't have blown up at him, but I'm not even mad about the damn grades anymore."

"What are you mad about then?"

"What he said to me. But I'm pissed about it cause it hurt."

"What did he say to you?"

"That not everyone is like me and can keep going like nothing hurts. Is that really how I come off? Am I that much of an asshole?"

"Aw, Dar. He was just mad too. Maybe to him, you do come off like that sometimes, but that's just because he doesn't always see what's going on with you. Just like you didn't see that he might've been having a hard time at school."

"I should've listened to him. I should've just stopped and listened. But I lost it and started yelling instead."

"I'm sorry, Darry. I'm sorry it's like this. Pony told me some stuff, and they were things I had no idea he was thinking. I don't want him lousing up his school work cause of me. I don't want you two fighting cause of me either."

"It's not because of you, little buddy. I wasn't even going to tell you about it at all, but then, things were so tense. Pony and me ain't exactly good at resolving it when we fight."

"You two still just don't understand each other all the time, Dar. But you're better than you used to be. I can see that. You just gotta remember to take a breath and listen to him."

"He should've been able to tell me, you know. He should've been able to come to me and say he was having a hard time focusing. He talks to me now, Sodapop. I knew he was worried about you cause he told me. I just didn't realize though."

"I think school is hard for for ya'll to get on the same page with, you know? You want him to do great. He wants to do great. But it's a lot of pressure for both of you. And I'm trying to keep myself together, okay? I don't want anything to be harder than it already is. There's stuff I haven't told Pony, and now, I know I shouldn't cause it would be way too much for him."

"I know, little buddy. I know you're doing what you can. And you're right about me and Pony. We just need to get on the same page."

* * *

"I told you you didn't scare her away, Dad."

Nicholas turned his head at the sound of Steve's loud voice that had come from the driveway he'd just pulled into. "Hey, Son. You have to tease me before you even get out of your car?"

Audrey sat beside Nicholas on the porch swing, her hand tucked into his. "Hi, Steve, your dad was just telling me stories about when you were a kid."

Steve slid out of the Ford, closing the driver's side door, before he started up the walk. "Oh yeah? He remembers everything, so I hope you got lots of time to listen."

Nicholas rolled his eyes, as he smiled. "I don't remember everything."

Steve made his way up the porch steps. "You do too, Dad. You remember little things from when I was like four or five years old."

Audrey chimed in then. "Oh, he was talking about when you were even younger."

Steve nudged his dad's shoulder. "All right, don't go embarrassing me, Dad."

Nicholas chuckled. "You mean the way you embarrass me? Oh, I'd never do that."

Steve looked at Audrey. "I'm real glad he didn't scare you off. Cause I'd definitely miss this a whole lot."

* * *

"I'll never know how you keep smoking and still run like the wind, Kiddo."

Pony felt Darry sit down beside him on the back porch steps, as he blew smoke from his mouth. "Don't know either. Just do."

Darry looked out at the darkness of the backyard, the quiet contrasting with his current state of mind. "I'm sorry, Ponyboy. I shouldn't have yelled at you or accused you of not trying. I'm sorry for being so tough on you when I should've realized there's more going on."

Pony inhaled one more puff of his cigarette, breathing it in, before he put it out and tossed it away, the smoke slowly drifting from his lips. "It's not like I don't want to do well, Darry. You know I only have a hard time with school if something is wrong."

Darry could hear the shake in Pony's voice and put his arms around him. "I know. I do know that. I should've thought of it when you showed me the tests."

Pony couldn't keep the tears back, as he pressed his face into Darry's chest. "I love Soda. I love him so much. I need him to be okay. He told me he is, and I don't even believe him."

Darry rested his chin on top of Pony's head, as he held him. "But he will be okay, Pone. He will."

"How can you know that?"

I just do. Like I told you, I'm keeping an eye on him. I'm taking care of him, helping him get through everything. I want you to know something else too."

Pony pulled away from Darry, though his big brother's arm was still wrapped around him. "What's that?"

"I don't always keep going, Pony. I know you haven't seen it, but I have to stop sometimes because it hurts me to see Soda in pain. I'm not always focused and able to think. So I do understand."

"I'm sorry I said what I did, Dar. That wasn't right either."

"It's okay. Come to me first next time, all right? If you're feeling like it's hard to study or anything like that because of what's on your mind, tell me. I won't be angry about it, and I promise I'll help you."

* * *

"Hey, Son, I just wanted to tell you good night."

Steve saw Nicholas' face looking in at him, as he got comfortable underneath the covers of his bed. "Night, Dad. I really am glad about Audrey."

Nicholas crossed the room to sit on the edge of Steve's bed and reached out to stroke his son's hair. "Me too. I was happy to see her."

"I could tell." Steve grinned up at Nicholas, yawning, as he felt his touch. "What's this for?"

"I just feel like it. It was okay for me to tell Audrey stories about when you were a kid, right?"

"Sure, Dad. Tell her anything you want."

"It's nice to talk and to share things with her." Nicholas leaned down and kissed Steve's forehead. "And it's nice to talk about the memories I want to keep."

* * *

"I'm so nervous, Stevie."

Steve shifted his car into gear, driving away from the Curtis' house, as he looked over at Soda. "I know, man. I won't tell you not to be, but I will tell you all you have to do is talk to her. Just answer whatever she asks."

Soda sat in the passenger seat, the row of houses passing him by, as he stared out the rolled-down window. "What do you think she'll ask me?"

"Well, I mean, I don't know her, so I can't say for sure. But when I first met Laura, she asked me to tell her about myself and what was going on in my life."

"But did you? The very first time?"

"You know I didn't get far, but yeah. I told her I was having a rough time, that I was sad and angry. Stuff like that. I told her there was something in my past that bothered me. When she asked what it was, that's when I decided I couldn't do it just yet and left."

"So what about when you did decide to go back, what'd Laura say then?"

"She just basically let me tell her what I wanted to whenever I was ready. I told her why I walked out of the first session. I did tell her about the abuse that time too, but not very much. There was never, you know, any pressure."

"Cause that wouldn't have worked for you, would it? I remember how scared you were then, even though you wouldn't admit it at first."

"Yeah, and that first session, I hadn't even told my dad everything yet. It was still so weird to be talking about the abuse at all. I was even trying to get used to you knowing about it since I hadn't told anybody before."

"I might not say much today either, but I'll at least try to explain what happened. I'll tell her about the shooting."

"I think that'd be a good start, buddy, and that's really all you need for now."

* * *

"They're just basic questions, little buddy. Information they need for everyone who comes here."

Soda heard Darry's reassurances, as he held a pen, letting it hover above the form in his lap, while he read over it. "Yeah. I guess they are. Not like I have any history of anything, so not much to say."

Steve sat on Soda's other side, his eyes scanning the waiting room that held only a handful of uncomfortable chairs and a glass window with a receptionist behind it.

Soda wrote out his name and contact information, then paused to stretch out his hand and fingers.

Darry saw the action and raised his eyebrows. "Does it hurt to write?"

Soda resumed a loose grip on the pen. "It's aching a little anyway, and I can't hold the pen real tight. But I can do it."

Darry saw Soda flip the form over, a checklist on the back page. "Looks like you've just gotta check off any of that you've had lately."

Soda's eyes scanned the list that included, _nervousness/anxiety, fatigue, persistently low mood, _and _suicidal ideation._

Steve saw Soda's hesitation and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Checking it off doesn't mean you gotta talk about it today, buddy."

Soda nodded, the pen in his hand forming check marks beside several of the listed problems. "That ain't what I have, is it?"

Darry followed Soda's gaze to where his pen pointed, seeing the terms, _paranoia _and _hallucinations._ "No, little buddy. I think paranoid is thinking somebody is following you or something like that. Not being scared like you have been."

Steve considered the word _hallucination, _before adding his thoughts on the matter. "And flashbacks aren't a hallucination, as much as they can feel like it. Reliving a memory ain't the same as seeing or hearing things that aren't there."

Soda made two more check marks beside _anger/ irritability _and _frequent crying, _before he moved on to the next section of the form that asked him to indicate any recent potentially traumatic experiences. "What it mean by recent?"

Darry pointed to the print just above the list of possible life events. "It says the past six months."

Soda nodded, looking over the list that included, _being the victim of a crime _and_ sustaining a life-threatening illness or injury_, putting a check beside both of these.

Steve sat back against the vinyl of the chair, seeing the rest of the list Soda was reading over, _loss of family member or close friend, significant change in family dynamics, _and _loss of personal relationship _jumping out at him.

Soda moved on to the bottom of the form, signing his name and writing the date. "Okay. So what now?"

* * *

"So, Sodapop, is it? Or do you go by Patrick?"

Soda could see Alice Grayson's green eyes, studying him over the rims of her glasses. "Um, I go by Sodapop. Or Soda."

Ms. Grayson reached for the legal pad of paper, beginning to jot notes down on one of the blue lines. "Okay. It's fine if you just call me Ms. Grayson. You're eighteen, right? A senior?"

"No. I, uh, actually dropped out my sophomore year. My parents died in a car wreck when I was sixteen. My older brother got custody of me and our younger brother. We needed money, so I got a full time job."

"Oh. I see. I'm sorry to hear about your parents. So tell me about your brothers."

"My older brother is Darry, and my younger one is Ponyboy. Darry is 22. Pony is fifteen."

"Do you get along with both of them very well?"

"Yeah. We're real close."

"Since you work full-time, what do you do?"

"I work at the DX station over on Fifth."

"Okay. Do you like your job?"

"Yeah. I actually do. It's been tough lately, but I still like being there. I've got a good boss, and my best buddy works with me too."

"What's been tough for you recently?"

"Well, I uh, was out of work for a little while because I got shot. A guy robbed the station one night."

"Did you have to be hospitalized?"

"Yeah. Just for a couple of days cause I had surgery. The bullet went into my arm, and I bled a whole lot. Darry had already been on his way to pick me up, and he got there right after. He called for help."

"So how are you doing now?"

"Better in some ways. I went back to work this past Monday."

"Are there other ways in which you're not doing better?"

"Yeah. That's kind of why I'm here, you know? It's been hard to cope with what happened. Cause I got so scared. I've been trying, but my feelings and the stuff going on in my head, it just gets worse."

"You get scared because of the shooting?"

"Yeah, and it took me a little bit to even be able to talk about it at all. It's been bothering me an awful lot ever since that night."

"Bothering you how?"

"I've um, had nightmares and times where I feel like it's happening to me all over again. I only even get what that is because my best buddy, Steve, he has flashbacks of some stuff. So he's helped me a lot."

"You have intrusive memories of the robbery and the shooting that draw you into episodes you believe are flashbacks?"

"Yeah. It's too real. I'll get all anxious, and I really have to focus on what or who's around me."

"Okay. So how have you been feeling otherwise? Have you resumed a normal routine?"

"Pretty much. But I'm scared a lot. I still have trouble sleeping sometimes. And I guess I get where I just feel sad. I cry kind of a lot too. It's like I never forget about that night either."

"I see. It's pretty normal to feel sad or scared after experiencing something life-threatening."

"Yeah. I hope so. Cause I've been a lot of both those things. It's hard to know what to do about it, and I came here to see if maybe you could tell me."

* * *

"I know I haven't gotten around to telling you this, but thank you, Steve."

Steve turned to look at Darry, the words unexpected. "You actually have told me sometimes. But for what?"

Darry had to smile at the question. "For being here for Soda all the time. What else?"

"You don't gotta tell me that, Superman. Not like I'd ever think of doing anything else. It's Soda."

"I know. But I wanted to tell you anyway. It means a lot to Soda, but it means a lot to me too."

"So I guess I'm supposed to say you're welcome then. And you both are, especially him. But, like I said, being there for him is the only thing I would do. Cause it's Soda."

* * *

"Yeah. I don't work nights that often. Doubt I even could now. But me and Steve both did that Friday."

Ms. Grayson listened to Soda, adjusting the glasses on her face, as she spoke to him. "Is that injury on your arm from when you got shot that night?"

Soda's eyes wandered down to the nearly-healed wound, as he nodded. "Yeah. I couldn't even look at it when I was in the hospital and not when I first got home either. The nurse I had and then my brother were real good about it though when they would change out the bandage for me."

"Why couldn't you look at it?"

"Because it was this reminder of what happened to me. It always will be, but at least it doesn't look bad anymore. I couldn't even think about looking at the injury without remembering how I bled like crazy that night and how much it hurt. I think I was still just trying to wrap my head around getting shot and trying to handle that it really happened to me. It was hard to believe at first."

"There's definitely reason for an emotional shock within circumstances of violence, but on a logical level, it's not hard to believe at all."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Well, you were in a gas station late at night. And not even just any gas station, but one on that side of town."

"Oh."

"It's not at all shocking that a robbery took place since, of course, anyone would know there would be cash on the premises."

"Um yeah, the robber sure did know that."

"So perhaps you should give some thought to the way you're spending your time. It could aid in both your physical and mental recovery if you accept some logical responsibility for what occurred."

* * *

"I hope he's doing all right in there. I know it's hard to talk-"

Steve's words were interrupted, as the waiting room door opened, and a blur he knew to be Soda flew past him and Darry.

Darry saw his middle brother hurry out the office door and got to his feet, turning to see Ms. Grayson standing near him. "Is he okay? What happened in there?"

Ms. Grayson stared at the two men in front of her, both of whom she'd met earlier. "I can't discuss the details of what my clients tell me privately, but I will say I was only telling him the truth about his situation, and if he can't handle that, then perhaps he's not ready to-"

Steve had stood up and was about to follow after his best friend, but turned back to the counselor. "What the hell did you say to him, lady?"

Darry stepped in front of Steve, his hands on his buddy's shoulders. "I'll deal with this, Steve. You go talk to Soda."

Steve glared at Ms. Grayson, his feet carrying him away, as he spoke. "You're supposed to help. Whatever you said in there better not have hurt him even more."

* * *

Tears blurred Soda's vision, as his mind replayed Ms. Grayson's words. Is it my fault for being there at the DX? Is she saying I should blame myself?

Steve found Soda in the parking lot, sitting on the curb between his Ford and Darry's truck. He sat down beside him, the stricken look on his best friend's face a momentary distraction from his anger. "What happened, buddy? She was saying some shit about telling you the truth, and just the way she said it pissed me off."

Soda felt Steve's hand grip his shoulder, the tears still swimming in his eyes. "I hope what she said ain't true. I don't want it to be."

"What did she say to you?"

"I don't want to talk about it yet, Stevie. I just want to go home."

* * *

"Like I said, I really can't discuss what my clients tell me privately. But since I know you're familiar with the situation, I can explain a little further."

Darry stared at Ms. Grayson, as she closed the waiting room door, putting them in the hallway that led to her personal office. "I'm not asking what Soda told you. Believe me, I already know he didn't get very far. All I want to know is what truth you told him that you're so damn certain about."

Ms. Grayson took her glasses off, wiping the lenses with the front of her blouse. "Mr. Curtis, I know you're aware of the circumstances that led to your brother's injury. I simply suggested he take some responsibility for what happened."

"Responsibility? Did you tell Soda it's his fault he got shot?"

"I never used the word "fault," but considering-"

"Stop! I'm not listening to anything else you have to say."

"Mr. Curtis, I'm only-"

"No! You had no right to talk to my brother like that. He came to you for help, not to get blamed for what happened to him. I could think of a few choice words for what you are, and "counselor" is not one of them!"

* * *

Soda felt Darry's arms wrap around him and leaned against his big brother. "Sorry, Dar. You didn't take off work for this."

Darry kept Soda close to him. "Yeah. I did, little buddy. I have to go back for a little bit soon, but I took off to be here for you, and I am, ain't I?"

Steve rubbed Soda's shoulder, sharing a look with Darry. "That lady tell you anything?"

Darry nodded, squeezing Soda once more, before he gently pushed him back. "You are not to blame, Sodapop. Do you hear me? I don't know why she'd say that to you, but it's not your fault you got shot. There's nothing you need to take responsibility for."

Steve tightened his grip on Soda's shoulder, as he absorbed what Darry was saying. "What? That bitch! How could she say that to him?"

Soda wiped his eyes, refusing to look at either Steve or Darry. "Can we please just go? I really don't want to be here anymore."

* * *

The brown powder mixed with water, blending to make hot chocolate.

Steve stirred the liquid with a spoon until the powder had completely dissolved, before picking up the mug and taking it to Soda, who had retreated to his bedroom. "Hey, man, you haven't said a word since we left that parking lot."

Soda took the mug of hot chocolate from Steve, sipping the drink. "Thanks. And I know." He leaned his head on the wall beside the window that was open. "That really hurt me, and I just-"

Steve sighed, as he settled beside Soda, hearing his voice crack within the unfinished thought. "I know, man. I'm sorry. You didn't need that."

"You don't need to head home?"

"Nah. Besides, I ain't about to leave you alone after that."

"You probably shouldn't either."

"You want to tell me the rest of it? Sounded like Darry just got the gist."

"It'll really piss you off, Stevie. I wish I could just be mad."

"Well, I'm pissed off still anyway. Might as well know the details."

Soda lifted the mug to his mouth, drinking of few swallows of the hot chocolate. "I didn't really even tell her a lot about me or anything. Just about my brothers and how our parents died, and that I dropped out of school. I don't think she liked hearing that."

"She's not supposed to be there to judge, Sodapop. I swear to you it's not supposed to be like that."

"I know. That's why I couldn't believe what I was hearing a little after. I told her I got shot at the DX." Soda set the mug of hot chocolate on the window sill, licking his lips, before he continued. "She saw my arm, you know, and asked about it. I told her how it was hard to look at it at first. Then, next thing I knew, she was saying it wasn't hard to believe I got shot."

"Not hard to believe? What does that mean?"

"She said I was in a gas station late at night on that side of town."

"Damn. That's why she's saying it's your fault? What the hell is wrong with her?"

"She didn't even stop there either. She told me it wasn't shocking the station got robbed cause anybody would know there's money there. She didn't have to remind me of that. Not when I can't stop remembering the robber telling me to give him the money."

"She's wrong, buddy."

"But it's not my fault for working there, is it?"

"No, Sodapop. It's not. Don't believe the shit she said for a second, man."

"She told me I should think about how I spend my time or something like that and accept some responsibility."

"So without actually saying the words, she blamed you and told you it's your fault you're going through all of this."

"Yeah. Pretty much." Soda sucked in a breath, feeling tears begin to escape down his cheeks. "Sorry. I do this so much lately. I was trying. I was trying to do something to get better."

"I know that, buddy. I'm so sorry you gave this a try, and that's what you got. That bitch has no business being a counselor."

Soda picked up the mug of hot chocolate and drank more of it, before setting it back on the window sill, as he tried to stop crying. "I feel too bad to even get pissed off. It's like I ain't got the energy."

Steve watched Soda struggle with the tears, then pulled him close, channeling his own anger into hugging his best friend. "Well, you know I'm angry enough for you, so it's all right if you just need to be sad for a while."

* * *

Samuel touched the wooden chest in front of him, all the reminders of Matthew inside of it. "I'm giving this to you, God. Again. I'm giving it all to you."

He opened the Bible that was in his lap, turning to a familiar Psalm, reading the words of praise: "Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."

* * *

"Steve, I'm scared. I mean it. I'm really scared."

Steve heard the alarm in Soda's voice, as he still held him, but then started to pull away. "I know, man, but-"

Soda interrupted the reassurance by holding on tighter, not breaking the embrace.

Steve didn't try to pull away again, only rubbing Soda's back. "It's okay. You've been through too damn much lately, and I know you're scared."

Soda felt the coldness settle into him, the nature of it mixing with the lie of inward shame that had dug itself deeper. "No. I mean, I'm afraid I could hurt myself. I feel like that again."

"I can see how today would do that to you." Steve eased his grip on Soda, slowly pulling away, but keeping one arm around him. "It'll pass, buddy. I swear it will."

Soda drew in a breath and held it, his eyes closed, as he could hear his own heart beating.

Steve watched Soda, several seconds going by, before he lightly shook him. "Hey, buddy. Breathe."

Soda opened his eyes, as he let out the breath. What if I don't? he thought. Because I keep thinking about what it would be like to stop.

"Was that on purpose?"

"Huh? What?"

"The way you stopped breathing just now. Did you mean to do that?"

Soda looked away from Steve, his gaze moving to the open window. "No! I didn't- I mean, I wouldn't do that."

"Okay. I only asked cause it looked like it."

"I'm just anxious and not breathing right. I've seen you like that lots of time. It ain't a big deal."

"All right. It kind of can be though."

Soda leaned his head against the wall, just as he had earlier. Please don't ask me anymore questions, Steve, he thought. Please just drop it.

"You're not going to want to hear this, but you know sitting here like you are now won't help, buddy."

"Yeah. But I don't feel like doing anything."

"I know. I can see that, and I get it. But any kind of distraction could be good. It doesn't have to take a whole lot of energy."

"Okay. Like what?"

"We could go for a walk. Then, head over to the park. Sound good?"

"Yeah. That actually does."

"All right then, man. Let's go." Steve started to get up, only to feel Soda grab his shirt, stopping him. "What is it?"

Soda swallowed, as he hesitated for a moment, before speaking. "First, there's something I want to tell you."

* * *

Samuel read one of the last stanzas of the Psalm: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: Hi again! All right, so I knew that once I started posting this part of the story, I'd have to post this chapter soon, and I can't even wait anymore. It's just incredibly near and dear to my heart, and I've had it to myself for entirely too long. So enjoy yet another early update (then I'll slow down for a bit!:)), and know that feedback is something I treasure, especially with chapters like this one. Thank you to all who read this story that's so special to me! I'm about to cry just posting this!

The ripples moved to the melody that carried through passing time, its sound an echo of love that refused to be overshadowed by pain.

* * *

"I'm glad to see you. Please know that, but I haven't even gotten a chance to shower and change."

Audrey looked at Nicholas still in his work clothes, able to see the sweat that soaked through his shirt. She smiled at him, reaching to run her fingers through his hair she knew he wanted to comb. "So go shower and change. I'll be here. Make sure you put on some of that cologne too."

Nicholas stared in Audrey's eyes, his heart falling for her all over again. "Okay. Anything for you."

* * *

"You don't have to tell me right now if you can't do it, buddy."

Soda sighed, letting his head drop, as he kept his grip on Steve's shirt. "I can't. I can't do it."

Steve looked at Soda's hand that had yet to let go of him and put his own over it. "You know I'm not going anywhere, right?"

Soda let his grip loosen, as he felt Steve squeeze his hand. "Yeah. I know."

"Between the two of us, we've been through this a thousand times. I know what it's like to have something to say and not be able to, but damn, man. It's been one hell of a week."

"It has."

"Yeah, and honestly, buddy, we should just go hang out and not talk about anything for a while. I think you need that, and I sure do too."

* * *

"You're the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on. Do you know that?"

Nicholas looked down at himself, knowing he couldn't hide the blush brought on by Audrey's compliment. "Thank you. And you're gorgeous. The only woman I ever want to look at."

Audrey moved about in the kitchen, filling up a pot of water. "You're also the sweetest man I've ever met. Is Steve going to be home soon?"

"I don't know. He was doing something with Sodapop earlier, so who knows when he'll be back."

* * *

Soda tipped himself back on the bar of the jungle gym, so he was upside down with only his legs holding on. "Hey, Stevie, how's it hangin'?"

Steve sat on the bar above his friend. "A little too much, to be honest."

"Damn, the blood's rushin' to my head."

"That's cause you're hanging there like a monkey, man."

Soda swung his upper body up, so he was now sitting on the bar. "That feels better."

"I remember one time we were sitting here, and you were talking about the view."

"Yeah. I remember that too. We must've been a little higher then though."

"You were high on something, all right."

"Yeah. I was high as a kite off life."

"Hey, you saw Penny yesterday, right?"

"Yep. Sure did."

"How's it going with you two? Still good?"

"Oh yeah."

"What's that look about?"

"Oh, we just came close to getting to know each other real well, if you catch my drift."

"So you didn't do it?"

"I damn sure wanted to."

"So why not? It's been a while."

"Man, believe me. I know that. And I haven't since Suzie, so I was wanting some action."

"Did Penny say no?"

"Nah. She was laying back on her bed, letting me kiss her and everything. She was into it. But she stopped and asked me if we're still taking it slow."

"And you said yes?"

"Yep. So as much as I wanted to, and damn, you better believe I could have, we didn't get any further than kissing."

* * *

"So you came to my house to make me dinner?"

Audrey stirred the spaghetti noodles that were cooking in boiling water, as she saw Nicholas watching her. "Yes. I did."

Nicholas stared at Audrey in her yellow sundress, the hem of it stopping just at her knees. He went forward, able to feel the heat from the stove, as he kissed her.

* * *

Steve hopped down from the jungle gym's bar, then leaned against it. "If you told Penny you wanted to keep going, you think she'd have let you?"

Soda also climbed down, his feet hitting the ground, as he spoke. "Yeah. I do. We kind of almost did it once before too. Except it was closer this time being that we were alone in her bedroom and all. I told her the first time that I thought we should stop."

"Why? I know you want to, man."

"Oh. I do. But, like I told Penny, I respect her. And I don't want us to just be physical. I've done that before."

"That makes sense. When have you done that before?"

"With Suzie. It wasn't a relationship. It was an escape."

"Yeah. I guess I could see that. But I thought it just seemed like it to me at the time cause of me and Evie, you know. We could barely kiss, let alone have sex."

"I want to be with Penny like that, and not just because I want some action. But because I think it'd be real nice."

"So what does taking it slow even mean for you two?"

"I guess knowing each other for real before we sleep together."

"It didn't bother her that you're not doing it yet?"

"No. She thinks it's sweet."

* * *

Audrey kissed Nicholas, her hands sliding underneath his shirt to caress his bare skin.

Nicholas slipped his tongue into Audrey's mouth, deepening the kiss, as he stroked her back.

Audrey's eyes opened to see the pot of water beginning to boil over. She broke away from the kiss, quickly turning the heat down.

Nicholas gasped, breathless from both the kiss and Audrey's touch that had made his skin shiver.

* * *

Steve lit up a cigarette, elbow leaning on the jungle gym, as he puffed on it. "Man, I don't know if I'll ever get any action again. I want to, but I also don't, you know?"

Soda nodded, as he took a cigarette from the pack Steve held out to him. "Of course. I mean, obviously, it's not the same as you, but even just knowing what all you've been through, I don't see sex the same way now."

* * *

"The spaghetti's not the only thing heating up in here."

Nicholas felt a blush creep up his face for the second time that evening, the implication in Audrey's words ringing true. "Yeah. I guess it's really not."

Audrey giggled, as she added tomato sauce to the drained noodles. "You're so cute when you do that."

* * *

Steve blew smoke from his lips, flicking ashes to the ground. "So what's different?"

Soda took a drag off his cigarette, leaning back against the jungle gym. "I mean, I guess I just used to see it as something I do with a girl."

"Well, yeah, I hope you still see it as something you do with a girl."

Soda shoved Steve, chuckling. "Let me finish."

"Hey, you said it. I couldn't resist."

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I never stopped to think about why I was doing it. I loved Sandy. You know I loved her. But we jumped into bed too soon."

"I thought it was the backseat of that car."

Soda laughed again. "Well, yeah, it was. But what I'm trying to say is that's all we ended up having together once it was all said and done."

"Okay. That makes sense."

"So I guess I'd say I want to have sex for the right reason, not just cause it feels good. And damn, does it feel good."

"You want to be in love for real, not just doing it to do it."

"Yeah. Pretty much. Me and Suzie, sex is all we had at all. I mean, I think it's all she wanted anyway. At the time, I did too."

"What about the stuff I've been through made you think about all this?"

"Well, I mean, just knowing you got abused the way you did got me thinking about how these things should be, I guess. If that makes any sense."

"It does, man."

"And I don't want to get with a girl just to be physical. Honestly, I felt bad for doing that with Suzie. We were kinda using each other, even if we both did enjoy the hell out of it at the time."

"Man, I wish I could enjoy it like that."

"You and Evie, you did do it, right? I mean, before the other stuff happened."

"Oh, yeah, and I'm okay telling you this cause you're my best friend. But it was only once. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed it, but I remember lying there after, feeling so weird. I didn't have an actual flashback, but it wasn't Evie I was thinking about."

"When was that?"

"The same week I told you about the abuse. Maybe a few days before. I was thinking about that a lot then, no matter what I was doing. But yeah, so it's been a long time for me now too."

* * *

Nicholas twirled sauce-covered spaghetti noodles around his fork. "Sorry I didn't have any meat for this. But it's good even without."

Audrey spooned some spaghetti onto her plate. "We have to make sure we save some for Steve."

"He doesn't have to know."

"So we'll just eat it all and wash away the evidence?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"So what should we do after we finish eating?"

Nicholas chewed the spaghetti in his mouth, yet another blush beginning to bloom on his cheeks. "Um, I don't know. Whatever you want to do."

"Oh, I think I know what you want to do."

"Well, of course I _want_ to. How could I not? You're gorgeous, Audrey, and I love you."

Audrey reached for Nicholas' hand and squeezed it, before she rested her own hand on his thigh. "I love you too."

* * *

Soda stomped out his cigarette. "Yeah, I don't know. I think it's going to be hard for me to wait much longer with Penny. Especially if she wants to, you know?"

Steve also put his cigarette out, the last of the smoke flowing from his lips, as he lifted himself back onto one of the jungle gym's bars. "Yeah. I get it, man. Maybe you two should talk about it."

"Damn, it sounds good too. If she tells me she wants to, no way I can resist."

"You're feeling better, aren't you, man?"

"Yeah. I am."

"I can definitely tell. So what now?"

"I ain't sure." Soda put one foot on one of the jungle gym's lower bars, lifting himself up off the ground, as he held onto a bar above it with his left hand. He looked up at the sky, then at the surrounding area that made up the park.

"You ain't about to comment on the view, are you?"

"Nah. Just thinking."

"Again?" Steve clapped Soda on the back. "I thought you were done with that for today."

"Yeah. I was for a while. But it didn't last long."

* * *

Nicholas looked down at Audrey's hand that remained on his thigh, then moved his gaze back up to her face that was framed by her auburn hair. "How far we go is up to you."

Audrey moved her hand to Nicholas' chest, her eyes dancing with his. "I want you to make love to me, Nicholas."

* * *

Soda still stood on the jungle gym, though he turned his head to look at Steve. "I do want to tell you what I tried to earlier. I think I'm calm enough now."

Steve saw Soda's gaze move back to the park, his own eyes wandering to the set of swings and the slide not far from them. "Okay. Do we need to go back to your house then?"

"Yeah. It's not something I can talk about out here."

Steve jumped back down to the ground, waiting for Soda to follow suit. "Sure thing, buddy. Let's go then."

Soda hopped down off the bar, his hand still gripping the one he'd been holding onto, as his feet touched the ground. He slowly loosened his grip, his fingers brushing against the metal of the jungle gym one last time, before he let go.

* * *

Nicholas stood up from his chair, guiding Audrey along with him. He leaned close, speaking softly into her ear. "I only want what you want. Say the word, and we stop."

Audrey felt Nicholas' hot breath on her skin and looked in the eyes of this man she'd come to love so quickly. She cupped his face with her hands, stepping even closer to him. "I want you, Nicholas. Take me to your bedroom."

* * *

Steve's feet moved along the sidewalk, going toward the Curtis' house. "Do you want me to stay over again tonight?"

Soda walked beside Steve and shoved shaky hands into the pockets of his jeans. "If you want to. You're welcome anytime."

"I know that, man. I'm asking if _you_ want me to."

"Yeah. I think I do."

"All right then. I'll go by my house and get my stuff later. My dad might be wondering what happened to me anyway."

* * *

Within the confines of Nicholas' bedroom, Audrey undid the buttons of his shirt and slid it off his shoulders, making it fall to the floor. She kissed him, only stopping to speak words of desire. "I love you, and I want to be with you right now."

Nicholas reached for the straps of Audrey's dress and slid it off, revealing more of her bare skin. "I love you too. Are you sure you want this?"

"Yes. I'm sure." Audrey slipped the dress all the way off, then reached for the button on Nicholas' jeans to undo it.

Nicholas pushed his pants off and stepped out of them, staring at the woman before him in only a white silk bra and panties. "You're beautiful, Audrey."

Audrey backed up to the bed, lying down on it, as Nicholas straddled her. She looked up at him, her hands on his hips, before she began to trail her fingers along the waist band of his underwear. "I'm ready for you to make love to me."

Nicholas moved over Audrey, kissing her lips, then her neck, before whispering in her ear. "I'm ready too."

* * *

"Just tell me, Soda. I've told you before that you never have to hide anything from me, buddy. That hasn't changed."

Soda could see his hands shaking, as the weight on his chest got heavier, despite Steve's encouragement. "I- I know that."

Steve drew closer to Soda, meeting his eyes, as he spoke his next thought. "Something happened, didn't it? There's a reason you asked me if I'd be mad at you if you hurt yourself. A reason you talked to Samuel when you did, and then decided to try with the counselor."

Soda felt Ms. Grayson's words rush back to him, as he tried to steady himself and say what was on his mind. "I still can't believe that turned out the way it did."

"I know, man. Me neither. But she was wrong. You have to remember that."

"I'm trying."

Steve could see Soda begin to shake all over, the anxiety making itself as visible as it had less than a week earlier. He put his hands on his friend's shoulders, his voice gentle. "There's nothing to be afraid of, buddy. No matter what you say, I've got your back. Whatever else is going on, please get it off your chest. I won't be mad at you."

"I wanted- I mean, I tried to see if I could drown."

Steve released Soda's shoulders and squeezed both of his hands that continued to shake. "You tried? What happened?"

Soda leaned forward and rested his head on Steve's shoulder. "Please still be my best friend."

Steve felt tears well in his eyes at the plea, then let go of Soda's hands to wrap his arms around him. "Jesus, Sodapop, what's making you say that? Nothing could stop me from being your best friend. I love you, brother."

Soda started to audibly sob, pain from deep within coming unmasked when he spoke again. "Cause I'm not worth it, Stevie. I'm not worth anything."

Steve's head swam, nearly dizzy with the need to soothe what seemed to be unsoothable. "Buddy, no, that's not true. I had no idea you were feeling like this, man."

Soda turned his face into Steve's shoulder. "But it is. I ain't Sodapop anymore. I'm nothing, and I shouldn't even be here."

Steve felt Soda's pouring tears soak into his shirt, as he lifted a hand to the back of his best friend's head. God, he prayed, what do I do? What do I say to him? What can I say that could possibly make this better?

Soda's mind and emotions collided with one another, the layers of the past and present meshing together within the chains of despondency. "I love you too, Stevie, and you're not going to have to worry about me much longer."

As gently as he could, Steve pushed Soda off his shoulder, his own heart barely beating, as it ached with the weight of the meaning too clear in his best friend's words. "What are you telling me, Sodapop? What do you mean I won't have to worry about you?"

Soda looked away from Steve's eyes, the gaze of unconditional brotherhood both a safety net and a reminder of the waves of worthlessness shattering him inside. "Cause I won't be here. You'll never have to worry again cause I won't be alive."

* * *

Audrey lie under the sheet beside Nicholas. "I would have never known it's been so long for you."

Despite their recent intimacy and the fact Nicholas remained naked right alongside Audrey, he blushed at the compliment. "I, uh, I'm glad you enjoyed it."

Audrey cuddled close to Nicholas, her body pressed against his. "I sure did. You're blushing, but you definitely weren't shy. We going to lie here a while?"

Nicholas stroked Audrey's hair, his arms comfortably wrapped around her. "Yes. I think we are."

* * *

"Sodapop, keep talking to me. Please, buddy. What are you thinking?"

Soda saw the tears that fell down Steve's face, mirroring his own. "I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to be. You guys don't need me anymore."

Steve reached for Soda's hand and held it, squeezing it with both of his own. "I need you. Darry and Pony need you. TwoBit needs you. Penny needs you. You should be alive cause you mean everything to all of us, man. You always have, and nothing will change that."

"But everyone just hurts more cause of me. I want to stop hurting. I want this pain to stop."

"I know, buddy. It'll get better. I promise you. Please hold on."

"I don't want to hold on. I just want to lie down and die."

Steve could feel goosebumps pop up on his skin, shivering inside at both Soda's words and the defeated tone that was coated in a hopelessness he'd never expected to see on his best friend. "I know what you're talking about, buddy. But that feeling will get better. It won't last forever. Remember what you told me before? If you die, you don't have a chance to heal. We don't get a chance to help you. You're just gone, and you don't get to try to recover."

"But I want to be gone. I don't want to breathe anymore."

Steve kept his grip on Soda's hand, as he laid his head on his shoulder. "I know it feels like that right now. But please hang on, buddy. I'm here, and there's no way I'm leaving you alone." I'm here, he thought. And I'm not letting you go.

* * *

Darry laid his toolbelt and keys down, looking around his seemingly peaceful house. "It sure is quiet around here for a Friday night." He took a bottle of beer from the refrigerator, then sat down on the couch and kicked his shoes off, as he opened it.

Darry tipped the bottle back, letting the liquid hit his throat, as he settled in to relax for the evening.

* * *

Nicholas stared at Audrey's face, seeing the light makeup that adorned her features, as she slept. He held her close, his own eyes giving in to beckoning slumber.

* * *

Steve rubbed Soda's back, an effort to calm him, while they continued to talk. "Hey, buddy, I gotta ask you something."

Soda looked at Steve, a blend of pain and guilt only taking a moment to make his gaze drift down. "Yeah?"

"Is there something you're planning to do to hurt yourself? You've been sounding like it."

"No. I just know I want to. I can't do it anymore, Stevie."

"I'm scared, buddy. Cause you're so important to me. I don't want to lose you. I can't even imagine it cause it hurts too much."

"I'm sorry. I keep hurting everyone. But I swear I don't want to."

"I know you don't. And you know what? If this is what's going on in your head, I'm glad you're telling me about it. It's the last thing you need to keep inside."

"It's not even what I was going to say, but it all just started coming out of me."

"You said you tried to see if you'd drown, but you didn't tell me what happened yet. What did that mean?"

"I held myself under the water when the bath tub was almost full."

"For a long time?"

"Long enough for my chest to feel like it was going to explode. I couldn't stop myself. I had to come up and breathe."

"You were holding your breath on purpose earlier, weren't you?"

"Yeah. In the water, I hoped if I could stay under long enough, I'd drown. Today, I just- I don't know. Cause I want to stop breathing and die."

Steve reached out to hold Soda once again, his soul split among empathy, fear, and grief. "I didn't know you were hurting this bad, buddy."

Soda physically rested in the embrace, safe within the comfort, though his inward being remained fraught with self-destructive feelings. "You're not mad at me for it?"

"No. I'm not mad at you at all. Don't even worry about that, man."

"You should be. I'm sorry. For everything. I'll see you there, Stevie. I'll see you there."

"Where, buddy? What are you talking about?"

"Heaven. I'll see you there. There's won't be anymore pain. Nothing will hurt. Nothing bad will happen ever again."

Steve strengthened his hold on Soda, able to hear the resignation and exhaustion in his voice. "Don't give up, buddy. You're not going to Heaven anytime soon."

Soda closed his eyes, the fantasies of ideation enveloping his mind, even as his best friend's arms held him tight. "But I don't know another way out, Stevie. Please help me."

Steve rested his head against Soda's, as he heard him start to cry again, his own tears not far behind. "Shh. You're going to get through this, buddy. I'm here." Please, God, he prayed. "You can cry all you need to. You can say whatever you need to say, and I'll be here." It's Soda. You have to take care of him. "I'll always be here." God, please make this better. "I promise." Please. It's Soda.


	23. Chapter 23

Author's Note because of what I think I see on reader traffic :) : If you read this chapter without reading 22, it really loses its context!

A blanket covered him, the soft material enclosing him in safety and warmth, as he slept, unconsciousness a blessing.

Quiet, prayerful vigil was kept for a time, eyes trained on him in the midst of pleas for healing and life, souls knit with one another in a bond more powerful than even a pained wish for death.

* * *

The sound of a ringing phone made its way into Nicholas' ears and he sat up, barely awake, as he went to answer it. "Hello."

Steve's voice came over the line. "Hey, Dad, can you do something for me?"

Nicholas yawned into the receiver, as he looked at the clock, reminding himself it was still rather early. "Sure, Son. Where are you?"

"I'm at Soda's. I'm staying here tonight, and I need clothes and stuff. I was going to come and get it myself, but I don't want to leave at all."

"Why? Is something wrong?"

"Hell, yeah, and I don't know what to do, except be here."

Nicholas heard the tremble in Steve's voice at the same time he saw Audrey come out of his bedroom. "What is it? Is Sodapop okay?"

"No. He's not okay at all, Dad. He's even less okay than I knew."

"All right, Son. I'll bring you your stuff in a few minutes."

"Thanks, Dad. I just can't leave him. He wouldn't be alone, but I can't. I'll tell you more when you get here."

* * *

"Hey, Superman, I gotta talk to you."

Darry set down the beer he'd been drinking to see Steve coming out the back door. "Oh. Hey, Steve. I saw your car was here, but thought maybe you and Soda had walked somewhere."

Steve joined Darry on the porch steps. "Um, no, we've been here a while. We were talking in Soda's room. He's asleep now."

"Asleep? Already?"

"I think he's worn out from everything. He needs it."

Darry took a better look at Steve when he became quiet, able to see streaks of tears still on his face. "Steve, what do you need to talk to me about? Did Soda say more about what happened with the counselor today?"

"Yeah. He did. He told me all of it, and I know that bitch didn't help. But that's not- that's not what I need to tell you about, Darry. Soda was telling me he's not worth anything and that he shouldn't be here. He told me I won't have to worry about him much longer."

"What?"

Steve put his hand on Darry's shoulder in an effort to steady both of them, knowing his words were as hard to hear as they were to say. "Yeah, and he said that's cause he won't be alive. He kept saying he wants to die. He pretty much told me goodbye, Darry."

Darry shook inside and out, fear and grief making him want to come apart. "What did that woman say to him? Steve, did he tell you what he's going to do?"

"I asked him if there was something he planned to do to hurt himself, and he said no. Just that he wants to. He sounded so sure, and I'm scared to death, Superman. He said so much stuff to me about dying, not breathing anymore, about Heaven."

Darry absorbed the reality of what Steve was telling him, tears falling out of his eyes. "You sure he's sleeping in there?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't have left him alone. Darry, that lady told him it's his fault he got shot cause he was in a gas station late at night on our side of town. She said he should think about how he spends his time or some shit like that. How could she blame him? How could anyone do that? I know she didn't put this in his head, but she damn sure made it worse. And I feel bad cause I kept telling him he should see a counselor."

"I know, Steve. I did too. She wouldn't tell me exactly what she said to him, just something about him taking responsibility for what happened. Now, I don't even know what to do for him at all."

"He fell asleep, and I just kept sitting there watching him. Hearing him talk like that, I felt like I had to be dreaming or something."

"He's said some things lately that aren't as bad as what you're telling me now, but close enough that the signs were there."

"I hate this. I keep feeling like I'm going behind Soda's back talking to you, but I have to."

"But you're not going behind his back, Steve. You can't keep this kind of stuff between the two of you. He knows that too, and he trusts you. He knows you won't do anything besides what's best to help him."

"He said he's not planning anything to hurt himself, but he sounds like it. Or maybe he's thinking of what to do. I don't know."

"I can't even imagine what he would do. He didn't say anything like that?"

"The only thing he told me is he held himself underwater in the bath tub, like to try to drown. But he had to come up and breathe."

"I think it'd be impossible not to come up for air in that little bit of water. It's automatic. But it makes me worry he'd look for a way to make sure he can't."

"What do we do, Darry? I'm hoping he'll get some sleep and feel a little better, but thinking like this, it's not just going to go away. He reminded me so much of how I've been, only I never said some things outloud. But, I don't know, I think this might be even worse."

* * *

Darry stood in Soda's doorway, his gaze lingering on his middle brother, moments going by, as he stared at him, watching him sleep.

"Hey, Dar, is Soda in there? I haven't seen him since this morning?"

Darry turned at the sound of Pony's voice, then eased Soda's bedroom door nearly closed. "Yeah, Pone. He's sleeping."

Pony looked at Darry, then at the door. "Sleeping? What's wrong with him?"

Darry moved away from Soda's door, heading back to the living room. "He's just tired. Don't worry."

Steve came in from the back porch. "Hey, Kid."

Pony saw Steve's eyes drift to the hallway, his gaze one that seemed to hover, almost making his feet begin to move. "If he's just sleeping, why do you guys keep doing that?"

Darry shared a look with Steve, before replying. "Uh, hey, kiddo, how was school? Need help with anything?"

Pony rolled his eyes, recognizing the attempt at distraction. "Really, Dar? Give me more credit than that. I already know Soda's having a rough time. Both of you look awful rough too. Was the counseling appointment not good for him or something?"

Steve jumped in to answer this time. "Nah, Kid, it wasn't good. Lady was a bitch, and it took a lot out of him. So he's getting some rest."

Darry decided to add more, grateful for how the moment had veered away from the situation currently at hand. "Yeah, Pone. That counselor wasn't one I'll take Soda back to. She said some things no one ever should, instead of trying to help him."

Pony saw a car pull up in front of the house. "Hey, Steve, isn't that your dad's car out there?"

Steve followed Pony's gaze, seeing headlights shining in the dark. "Yeah. I'll be right back." He headed outside, going toward his dad's car that was parked beside the driveway.

Nicholas had only just stepped out of his car, a bag in his hand, when his son crashed into him.

Steve hugged Nicholas tightly, allowing himself to cry as hard as he'd been wanting to since before Soda fell asleep. "Dad, I didn't- I didn't know he was this bad."

Nicholas held Steve in his arms, focused on soothing him, even as he wondered what else had transpired. "Shh. It'll be okay, Son."

"But it's not okay. Soda was saying he wants to die. He told me he'll see me in Heaven, and I don't know- I don't know if-"

Nicholas tightened his arms around Steve, as the sobs interrupted his words. "God, I'm sorry, Son. So sorry."

"And all I could do was listen and tell him I love him, that I need him. We all need him, Dad."

"Then, you did exactly what you should do, Steve. Where is Sodapop right now?"

"Asleep. We talked a lot, and it's been a long day."

"Darry know what's going on?"

"Yeah. I told him. I had to after that. Dad?"

"Yeah, Son?"

"Were you with Audrey?"

"I was. How'd you know?"

"You smell like your cologne." Steve pulled away from the embrace, taking the bag Nicholas had brought him. "I didn't know before today how lucky I am to have Laura. The counselor Soda saw blamed him for getting shot."

"She what?"

"Yeah. I was so pissed about that. I probably still would be if I could think about anything else, besides what he was saying to me. It killed me inside to hear Soda talk like that, but like I told him, those feelings are the last thing he needs to keep to himself."

"They are. You're right, Son."

"I didn't know he felt so damn bad about himself either, Dad. But he does. It was just as hard to hear that too."

"I know all of it had to be very difficult for you to hear. It hurts me to hear about it now. Are you going to be okay tonight?"

Steve took a deep breath and wiped the tears from his face. "Yeah. I think so. I just feel so helpless. A lot more than I did before. But maybe if I'm here, I can help keep him safe."

"You call me if you need anything, okay, Son? No matter how late it is. I love you."

"I love you too, Dad. And I will. I promise."

* * *

"Hey, little buddy, you want something to eat?"

Soda heard Darry's voice over the fog that clouded his mind, his body still heavy with the anguish clawing its way through his soul. "Um, no, Dar, not really."

Darry saw Soda begin to sway on his feet and moved to his side, guiding him into a chair. "You looked like you were sleeping hard."

"Yeah. I was." Soda rubbed his head, still feeling drowsy, as his thoughts were rising from the brief respite. "I'm barely awake right now." And I don't want to be either, he thought.

Darry scooted another chair closer to Soda and sat down beside him. "How are you feeling?"

Soda looked out the window, seeing Steve outside on the porch swing. His gaze moved back to meet Darry's eyes, before dropping to the floor. "Not real good, Dar."

"What does that mean, little buddy?"

Soda looked up at Darry, hearing the softness in his voice and seeing tears shining in his eyes. "You know, don't you?"

Darry pulled Soda into his chest, his hold one born of fear and a sadness that ran deep into his veins. "Yes. I know how you were feeling before you went to sleep."

Soda hugged his big brother, the want to reassure him warring with the truth. "I'm sorry, Darry. Please still be here for me. I'm sorry."

"Of course I'm here for you, Pepsi Cola. That's why I'm asking how you're doing. I can only help if I know."

"It hurts. It hurts so bad, Dar."

"What hurts?"

"Everything inside me." Soda heard Darry's heart beat, feeling the rise and fall of his chest, as he rested against him. "It hurts to breathe."

* * *

"Will I see you tomorrow night?"

Nicholas tried to focus on Audrey, not comprehending her question. "I'm sorry. What?"

Audrey brushed Nicholas' cheek with her fingers. "I asked if I'll see you tomorrow night. And it's okay. I know you're distracted right now."

"Oh. I don't know yet. Maybe. You could've gone home already. It's getting late. You didn't have to wait for me to take Steve his stuff."

"I wanted to wait for you. You sounded really concerned when you were on the phone earlier. Is Sodapop okay?"

"Steve's worried about him, and I am too."

"What's going on?"

"I can't really say much about it, but Sodapop's going through a lot since the shooting. Not just physically, but emotionally too."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Is that why Steve's staying over there?"

"Yes. Trust me. Nothing could pull him away from Soda's side tonight."

* * *

"Hey, buddy, why are you sitting here in the dark?"

Soda hung his head, a sheet wrapped around him, as Steve stepped into his bedroom and switched on the lamp. "Just wanted to. I was talking to Darry, but then I just decided to come back in here."

"Okay." Steve sat down beside Soda, the light that was now illuminating the room making him able to see the redness of his best friend's eyes and cheeks, as well as the moisture left behind by recent tears. "Did it help to sleep?"

Soda shook his head, as he wrapped the sheet tighter around himself. "No. I don't- I don't feel better."

Steve put his hand on Soda's back, quiet, as he simply sat with him.

"I thought you might've gone home."

"Hell, no, I didn't go home. Why would I do that, Sodapop? You told me you wanted me to stay over tonight anyway, but how could I possibly leave after hearing you talk the way you were?"

"I thought you'd leave because of that, Stevie."

"Again, that's a hell, no. Of course not. Listen to me, man. I called my dad to bring me my stuff cause I didn't want to leave you at all. Not even for a few minutes. How could I go home to spend the whole fuckin' night worrying you'd be dead tomorrow?"

"I- I don't know. I just..."

"You just what, Sodapop? You practically told me goodbye earlier! I'm more scared now than when I was thinking about trying to kill myself again. You know why? Cause it's you!"

Soda felt himself tremble, nearly shivering beneath the thin material of the sheet, as he turned away from Steve. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said any of that to you."

Steve heaved a deep breath, calming himself before he spoke again. "No, buddy. Don't be sorry. I don't mean it like that." He nudged Soda's shoulder. "Hey, turn back around and look at me, man. Cause you gotta hear this."

Soda did so, though his eyes avoided Steve's.

Steve could see the defeat so evident in his best friend's gaze, sighing, as he put an arm around him. "I'm serious that I don't want you to be sorry. Cause I understand. I understand better than anybody else can. I know this isn't easy. I know these feelings and what comes over you are so damn strong. Please give yourself that, buddy, cause I don't want you to beat yourself up more than you already are and end up feeling even worse."

"But I scared you."

"Yeah. But, Sodapop, I want you to be that honest. Cause if you're sitting here talking to me and putting all this into words, you're not acting on it. Laura's said stuff to me before about giving my thoughts and feelings a voice. It gives them somewhere to go, besides your own head, you know?"

"Yeah. I guess that makes sense."

"Damn right it does. I told you earlier you can say whatever you need to say. That means you can tell me anything you're thinking, buddy. I want you to, and it means a hell of a lot to me to be here for you. So please don't apologize anymore cause being this open might just be what saves your life."

* * *

"Why don't you head to bed, Ponyboy? It's after 11:00."

Pony shrugged, dismissing Darry's suggestion. "It's Friday night."

Darry joined Pony on the front porch, leaning on the railing next to him. "I guess you got a point, kiddo."

"Darry, why is Soda hardly coming out of his room? It's not just cause of whatever that counselor said. I know it's not."

"No, it's not, Pone. I'm not going to lie. It sure didn't help though."

"He's depressed, ain't he?"

"I actually think he might be. You do deserve more credit."

"It's really not hard to see, Dar. I don't know much about it. But even when he tries to keep me from seeing it, it's written all over his face."

* * *

"What'd Darry say when you talked to him tonight?"

Steve read only curiosity in Soda's expression, not seeing even a trace of anger. "He asked if you told me what you were planning to do."

Soda held a pillow in his lap, sitting as close to the window as he could, chilly night air drifting in to nip at his skin. "Oh. What'd you tell him?"

"That I asked you if you were planning to do something to hurt yourself, and you said no."

"He didn't even have to tell me you'd said anything. I could just see it cause of the way he looked at me."

"Soda, I hope you know I don't go telling Darry everything we talk about. Only what I need to."

"I know that, Stevie. I trust you."

"The only thing I ever want to do is keep you safe, buddy."

"I know that too."

Steve watched Soda's gaze turn to the window, staring out into the near midnight darkness. "So is it still true?"

"Is what still true?"

"That you're not planning anything."

"Yeah. It's still true. Cause I think of dying and of killing myself, but-"

Steve waited for Soda to finish the thought, taking his hand and squeezing gently.

"But it's not like I know what I'd do, even though I keep thinking about" Soda squeezed Steve's hand back, the touch helping him to keep going. "about what I could do."

"So you are thinking specific things?"

"Yeah."

"I thought you must be after everything you said earlier."

"The thing with the water... I hadn't thought of it before that. I just did then and so I- I did it."

"When was that, man?"

"Just the other day when I had that flashback at the DX. Not long after I got home."

"That's why you looked the way you did. I remember you coming and sitting in here by yourself and then hugging me kinda like I did to you once."

"I wanted to tell you about it so bad. I think I even almost did."

"I know exactly what you mean, buddy."

"I stared and stared at that water, Stevie. It was like I just wanted to sink into it. I wanted it to be the only thing I could feel at all. I thought maybe if I could stay under long enough, it'd all be over."

"What would be over?"

"Everything I don't want to feel. When I was under the water and really started to feel like I needed air, I told myself that was better than the pain I feel all the time. I told Darry it hurts to breathe. It hurts to be alive."

Steve's head swirled with the truths he'd learned firsthand and memories he'd yet to share with Soda. He put an arm around him, guiding his head to rest on his shoulder. "I know what you're talking about, buddy. Can I be honest too and tell you some stuff I haven't before?"

"Okay."

"It hurts to think you're about to die too. You know I was so scared when I overdosed, but Sodapop, it was worse than that. Right before I took the pills, I asked God to take me. I didn't get sick right away. It took a while. But once I did, and I really thought I was dying, I begged him not to. I was afraid he wouldn't hear me cause of what I'd done. I thought my dad was going to come in and find me dead on the couch."

Soda closed his eyes against the image, as he wrapped an arm around Steve. "You can tell me this, but you don't have to."

"I know. But I want to. Cause I get it, man. I know how you can fall into thinking trying to kill yourself is the way to get rid of the pain inside. I sat there in my car and took all those pills and then waited to die. I didn't feel anything at first, not from the overdose anyway. But I still felt everything else, and the memories of the abuse were as vivid as ever. I went in the house and waited some more, trying to rest and not breathe, like I thought that would make me go to sleep, like I wanted. But then, I got nauseous. That got worse and worse pretty fast, and I remember dialing my dad's work number, thinking of how much I desperately wanted to live."

"I've thought about doing it, Stevie."

"Doing what?"

"Overdosing. Taking some medicine I know will make me fall asleep. But enough that I won't wake up."

Steve shifted, bringing his other arm around Soda. "Oh, buddy. Please don't." Make these thoughts stop, God, he prayed. "Please."

"Or going so deep into some water that I can't get out in time to breathe."

Steve stayed quiet, only hugging Soda. God, this is so hard to hear, he prayed. But he needs to get it out. He needs to keep talking.

Soda held onto Steve as tight as he could, silent for several moments, before he went on. "These thoughts make me feel weird. But it's like they're kind of..." He trailed off, letting the thought hang. "I don't know if I should say this."

"You can say whatever's on your mind, Sodapop. Anything, remember? Get it out of your head."

"Okay. They're sort of comforting. It's like this relief to just let my mind- to let it go there. Like it feels good somehow. Is that wrong of me?"

"No. It's not wrong at all. I think I know what you mean. It's like losing yourself in the darkest place you can go to control whatever hurts so bad."

"Yeah. It is like that." Soda didn't let go of Steve, keeping his head on his shoulder. "I can still see it, Steve. Like I said before."

"You can still see what?"

"The robber's mask. It hasn't gone away."

"I know. I'm so sorry, buddy. I know that doesn't help." Steve squeezed Soda a little tighter, before pulling away. "Why don't you sleep now, man? You need it. It's been a long night."

Soda pulled the sheet and blanket over himself, before lying down on his side, his head on the pillow. "Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for being here with me."

"Of course, man." Like I'd be anywhere else, Steve thought. He remained on the edge of the bed, rubbing Soda's shoulder, as he saw his eyes drift closed. He reached to turn off the lamp, then pressed a kiss to his best friend's temple, his voice a whisper. "It's going to be okay." It has to be, he thought. You have to be okay.

Steve tucked the blanket around Soda, unable to tear his gaze away, as he prayed. God, please carry him through this. "I'll be on the couch if you need me, buddy." Please don't take him.

* * *

"Hey, I didn't know you were still up, Superman."

Darry sat in the recliner, his feet up, though he was anything but relaxed, as Steve settled himself on the couch. "I couldn't sleep."

Steve lie down on the couch, his eyes growing bleary with the need to sleep, as his head pressed into the pillow. "He's going to get through it, Darry. He has to."

"I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do, Steve."

"Be his big brother. Like you always are."

"Soda tells me I saved him that night at the DX."

"Cause you did."

"I knew what to do. I knew to call for help. I knew to put pressure and slow down the bleeding. I knew to talk to him and try to keep him awake and alert."

Steve held his eyes open, listening to Darry talk through what he evidently needed to say outloud.

"I knew how to make it better, how to make sure he pulled through, even though he got shot. I listened to the doctor, filled the prescriptions, changed out the bandages."

Steve sat up on the couch, comprehending Darry's line of thought, though he didn't interrupt.

"When the doctor tells us the test results, I'll help Soda with whatever he says to do. I'll help him take care of himself and heal the pain and the other symptoms he has. But what else can I do, Steve? I can't fix what's inside his head and make that heal. I can't reach in and make the flashbacks and the anxiety and the way he's feeling about himself go away."

"I know, Darry. I know."

"And damn it." Darry pulled the lever on the recliner, making the footrest collapse. "I can't put a bandage over the pain inside him and make him not want to die."

"He's going to be all right, Superman. I-"

"Why do you always call me that? I ain't Superman at all."

"But you are. Soda told me about the night of the shooting. He said there were things he couldn't remember after it happened, but he did remember you sitting there and holding him."

"I won't ever forget that either. I didn't just stay close because he was bleeding. I did it because I knew he needed me, and I knew he was scared. I had to hold him."

"Cause you love him, Darry. And that's what you can do now when you don't know what else to do. That's how you can still be Superman."


	24. Chapter 24

Author's note: This chapter loses some of its context, if you don't read chapter 22 first!:)

The night trudged on, its air blowing through his window, the freshness helping him rest.

* * *

The bathroom light flipped on, before anxious hands opened the medicine cabinet, eyes searching the labeled bottles and supplies: milk of magnesia, antiseptic, aspirin, band-aids, cough syrup...

* * *

He breathed in deeply, fast asleep, even as peace felt like such an impossibility.

* * *

A cap was twisted off a bottle and the sink turned on to wash red liquid down the drain.

* * *

Steve sat on the Curtis' back porch, a lit cigarette between two shaky fingers. "I'm such a hypocrite."

The words were barely out of Steve's mouth, before Pony stepped outside, his eyes on the sky, where the sun was rising. "Hey. You look like hell."

Steve didn't even scowl, not in the mood to trade insults. "I feel like hell too, Kid."

"What are you doing out here anyway?"

"Smoking a cigarette."

"Well, I can see that, smart ass. I mean, I know you must've been up real late with Sodapop."

"How do you know that?"

"Cause he needs you."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I don't have my head in the clouds as much as you think I do."

"I know that, Kid."

"He's not okay, is he, Steve?"

"No. He's not. But he will be." Steve took a long drag off his cigarette, then looked down at his hands, seeing them trembling, as he willed away the weight of panic settling in his chest. "Cause there's no fuckin' way I'm accepting anything else."

* * *

"I'm fine, Darry. Just let me eat my breakfast for crying outloud."

Darry watched as Soda resumed eating his bacon and scrambled eggs, doubt lacing his mind. "All right, little buddy. I just wondered."

Soda took a bite of bacon, hearing it crunch between his teeth. "I know. But I'm okay now. It was just a bad night."

Darry saw Soda grin at him, though this didn't ease his concern. He stared at his middle brother, finding no relief in the change in demeanor.

"Your eyes are going to bug out of your head if you keep doing that, Dar. I thought you wanted me to feel better."

"I do want you to feel better."

"Relax then, big brother. Cause I am."

Of course I want you to feel better, Darry thought. But, right now, I just can't believe you.

* * *

"Rise and shine, Stevie!"

Steve felt a pillow hit his face and was about to swing it in return when he opened his eyes to see Soda's smiling face right above him. "What the hell, man?"

Soda sat on the edge of the couch and shoved Steve's shoulder. "Come on and get up, buddy. I made you breakfast."

Steve sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "You what?"

"What's shockin' about that? I've done it before."

"Yeah. You have. I just didn't expect it today is all. How are you feeling now?"

"I'm fine."

"Fine?"

"Yeah. Man, you're looking at me even funnier than Darry did. So I had a rough night. No big deal."

"No big deal? Sodapop, do you _remember_ last night?"

"Of course I remember it."

"Okay."

"Like I said, it was a rough night. That's all."

"That's all?"

"Yeah. Why do you keep repeating everything I say, man?"

"Cause I can't believe what I'm hearing."

"So I feel better. Is that so hard to believe?"

"Yeah. It kind of is."

"Well, it's true. So come on and have some breakfast, Stevie. Or I'll eat it all for you."

"Um, okay." Steve got up off the couch and followed Soda to the kitchen, a questioning gaze assessing his best friend.

Soda whistled, as he put some of the scrambled eggs and bacon on a plate, then handed it to Steve. "There you go, man. So what are we doing today?"

Steve sat down with the plate, as he took a bite of the eggs. "Uh, I gotta go to work in a few hours. But I'm sure I'll be back over here after."

"I think I'm going to call Penny and see if she wants to go to the drive-in tonight. You know, take her on an actual date."

"Yeah. You should do that, buddy."

"And maybe I'll hang out with Pony today too. I feel like we ain't seen each other much lately."

"He'll like that."

"Yeah. I feel a lot better now, and I think I want to make the most of it. Tomorrow too. Me and you, we should go to church, then hang out with TwoBit."

"Sounds like a lot of Sunday's. But sure, man."

"And me and Darry should do something. I don't know what yet."

"You're making lots of plans, aren't you?"

"Yeah. I guess I am."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, Steve. Really. Like I told Darry, you can relax. I'm feeling a lot better, so you guys don't gotta worry anymore."

* * *

Soda sat on the hood of his car that was parked alongside the creek. "I'm glad you and Darry talked about that, Pone. He tries. I know you both do."

Pony lifted himself up onto the Chevy next to Soda. "Yeah. At least we ain't as bad as we used to be. Fighting over any little thing, you know?"

"I sure don't miss that. Even if you don't always see eye to eye, it's important to me that ya'll can still be there for each other." Soda picked up his car keys and held them out to Pony. "Why don't you drive us to get a bite to eat?"

Pony took the keys from Soda, looking through the windshield, then back at his brother. "Really?"

Soda smiled, as he threw his arm around Pony. "Sure, Pone. Get some practice. Just try not to get any tickets."

Pony slid off the car, keys in hand, as he went to open the driver's side door. "Oh? You mean like you didn't?"

Soda slid off too, heading for the passenger seat. "Hey! I tried. My lead foot just never listened to me."

* * *

"So what'd you and Audrey do last night?"

Nicholas stared at Steve, as he attempted to answer his question. "We um...We ate spaghetti that she uh, cooked. And it was really good."

Steve took his DX shirt from the laundry basket beside the couch, shaking out the wrinkles. "Oh. Okay."

Nicholas' mind drifted to the evening before, his thoughts a swirl of affection, as he remembered the intimacy he'd shared with Audrey.

Steve laid the DX shirt over the back of the couch, before sitting down, his head in his hands. "Dad?"

"Yeah, Son?"

"Can you just sit here with me for a few minutes? Please?"

"Yes. Yes, I can."

Steve felt Nicholas at his side, before his dad's arm wrapped around him. "I just feel weird. About Soda."

"You told me he seemed to be feeling better today."

"But that's just it. It's confusing, Dad. It's not like I want him to be feeling bad, but this morning was strange. I mean, he said it was just a rough night and not a big deal."

"Do you think he just wants you to believe he's fine now?"

"Maybe. This ain't really all that different than before when he wouldn't admit anything. But it's making me feel weird to remember him saying all that stuff last night when he acted like nothing's going on today. It doesn't make sense, Dad. That's just too damn big of a change."

* * *

Soda's laughter sailed into Pony's ears, making the youngest Curtis smile at his middle brother, as he drove the Chevy in the direction of the Dingo. "Hey, what's so funny anyway?"

Soda leaned his head toward the rolled down window, seeing his reflection in the side-view mirror, as wind blew against his face. "Nothing, Pone. Just enjoying myself." Just taking it all in, he thought. "That's all." And feeling every bit of the moment that I can soak in while it lasts.

* * *

"I sat there and told Darry he's going to be all right. I told him he's going to get through this, like I'm so damn certain."

Nicholas kept his arm around Steve, as he listened to him. "Because that's the only way to cope, Son, and you have every reason to hope that you're right."

Steve rubbed his head, feeling an ache spreading through it. "I know. It's just weird too to see Darry like that. Hell, I feel like I don't know what to do either. I never imagined Sodapop being this down. I've seen him go through a lot, but none of it was even close to how much he's hurting now."

* * *

Soda laughed, his eyes watering, as Pony chucked a french fry at him. "What? I was just saying you don't gotta grow up so fast, Pone."

Pony picked up another fry, shoving it in his mouth. "That ain't what you said. You're telling me I'm still your kid brother, who ain't into all that yet."

"You say it like it's a bad thing. You _are_ my kid brother, you know. You always will be."

"Yeah. I know. I wouldn't have it any other way either. Not like you or Darry will ever let me forget it anyway."

Soda stuck his tongue out at Pony. "Yep. You're in for life, little brother. No matter what happens, he thought. That ain't ever going to change.

* * *

"I'm all right, Sir. Just kind of tired."

Mr. Coleman cast a doubtful look toward Steve, who was wheeling an old tire away from a jacked-up car. "Kind of?"

Steve studied the numbers printed on the new tires in the garage, before rolling one toward the car. "Yeah. I'm okay, I swear."

"Tell me if you need to head out early. Okay?"

"I don't. I can sleep tonight."

"Maybe I'm overstepping, but is something going on?"

"No. Nothing's going on."

Mr. Coleman watched Steve begin working to put the tire on, noticing his unsteady hands and slow movement that complemented the lack of sleep evident on his face.

Steve felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up at his boss. "What is it, Sir?"

Mr. Coleman met Steve's eyes, no longer concerned about any personal boundaries that may exist. "Steve, you forget how well I know you."

"I do?"

"Yeah. You do. I've seen you look this tired before. I've also seen you when you were really stressed. And I know since-well, everything that happened before, you do the best you can to take care of yourself and get enough rest."

"Oh. I still am. I promise. Sorry if it looks like I'm not. But nothing is happening to me."

"Okay. I'm not overstepping, am I? Not that it would stop me from asking anyway."

"No, Sir. You're not. I know I don't look so great today. You can ask me anything you want."

"All right then. Are you absolutely sure you're okay to be here for your whole shift?"

"Yeah. I'm sure." I need something to do, Steve thought. "I'll be fine." Somewhere to keep my focus. "And I think I need to stay."

* * *

"Hey, you're looking sharp there, little buddy. What are you up to?"

Soda smiled at Darry, as he ran the comb through his hair one more time. "Just taking Penny out. I wanted to look nice for her, you know?"

Darry studied Soda's freshly shaven face, as he touched the sleeve of the light blue dress shirt he knew had once belonged to their dad. "I know you're not going to want me to ask this, but are you sure you're okay, Pepsi Cola?"

"Yeah, Dar. I'm sure. Quit giving yourself more gray hair over me. I've caused you enough stress."

"You didn't cause anything, Sodapop." Darry put his arm around Soda's shoulders. "Hey, the other day at the hospital, you know I was joking about that, right? What I said about you giving me gray hair?"

"Yeah. I knew you were joking."

"You looked like I hurt you, and I'm sorry, little buddy. I never want to do that."

"It's okay, Darry. It's not like I didn't know you were kidding."

"Still, I wanted to tell you. And make sure you don't ever think you gotta keep anything from me cause you don't want to make me worry."

Soda's smile took over his face, as he put the comb down on the dresser, then looked in the mirror once more. "Well, I already know you will anyway, so not like that would work."

"Yeah. You've got a point." Darry let his arm drop from Soda's shoulders, though he couldn't stop studying his brother's eyes and expression. "So where are you taking Penny?"

"Just to the drive-in. Nowhere real special or anything like that. I haven't really taken her anywhere lately. Not that she minds. I kinda do though. So it'll be nice." Soda's gaze moved from the mirror to Darry. "Dar, can I tell you something? About Penny?"

"Sure. Anything."

"I know I've said I liked girls before. Even said I loved Sandy. And I did. But it feels different with Penny. Like it's stronger, you know?"

"I think I understand, little buddy."

"It's not just a feeling that I love her, and it's not just about me. I care about her, and I'd do anything to protect her and be with her. But even more than that, I want what's best for her." I want her to be happy, Soda thought. "I love her for being the real person that she is, not just cause she's pretty or sweet." And I want her to have a beautiful life. No matter what.

* * *

"I'm ashamed to admit how much I've been struggling."

Nicholas empathized with Samuel's words, as he sat down on the pew beside him. "There's no shame in that. Not at all. But I understand."

Samuel glanced around the sanctuary, finding comfort in its atmosphere, despite his struggles with faith. "I'm supposed to be happy about the baby. Overjoyed, right? But I can't see it that way right now. I can't see past the fear and the doubt."

"What is it you're scared of? What are you doubting?"

"I'm scared we'll lose this child too. That I'll look away again, and something will happen. I'm doubting myself and God. I tried to give it all to him, like I have before. But I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking about Matthew in that water, about how he wasn't breathing. I can't stop thinking about how I didn't save him, and how it could happen again."

Nicholas laid a hand on Samuel's shoulder. "I think you'd tell me to keep talking to God about it and that he understands. Have you told Vivian?"

"Yeah. She said this baby will be safe with me and that God is letting me be a dad again because he loves me and wants to bless me."

"He does. She's right about that. She's right about you too. You'll be a great dad."

"I'm afraid of getting too attached to this child, Nicholas. Because I know as soon as I hold this baby in my arms, I'll love it more than anything." Samuel felt tears spring up in his eyes, not attempting to hide them from his friend. "And I'll be even more scared than I am right now."

* * *

"I can't wait for graduation. I'm ready to be done with high school."

Soda looked away from the movie screen that played only ads and previews, turning to see Penny's eyes staring back at him. "You'll make a great nurse." He handed her the box of popcorn they were sharing, after taking a handful for himself. "I know you will."

Penny ate the popcorn, savoring its buttery taste. "I hope so. It's going to be a while though."

Soda cupped Penny's cheek, smiling at her. "I want you to know I love you."

Penny put her hand over Soda's, as she leaned closer to him. "I love you too, Sodapop. And it feels so good to say it."

Soda pressed his lips to Penny's, the sweetness of her kiss drawing him in to a high he longed to lose himself in for eternity.

* * *

"I know I should trust God, no matter how I feel. I should have more faith."

Nicholas could see the tears that shone in Samuel's eyes, the preacher's emotions present, as they talked. "That's not always easy. I think he gets that too. So try not to be too hard on yourself about it."

Samuel wiped a fallen tear from his face. "I would tell anybody else the same thing. I know I have too. I've asked God to help me with it because I know he hears me, and I want this baby. I do. I want to be a dad again."

"But all that guilt is coming up, just like you've said it does. You don't even have to tell me you want the baby. I can see it because you wouldn't be thinking about any of this if you didn't."

"I want the baby. I love it already. But I miss Matthew too. I'm angry with myself and upset with God because I don't know how to trust him. I've struggled with my faith before, Nicholas, but it's never been this bad."

Nicholas pulled Samuel into a hug, as he started to sob. "It's okay. He knows and he understands. Like you always say, he's still with you in that pain."

Samuel laid his head on Nicholas' shoulder, hugging him back. "I'm failing Vivian. I'm failing my wife."

"No, you're not. I know you're still there for her. Cause that's what you do, Samuel." Nicholas held onto his friend, his memory easily going back to the times Samuel had been the one to encourage and comfort him when he was falling apart inside, knowing he'd also done the same for Steve. "You do it for all of us."

* * *

Penny's fingers touched the heart-shaped locket that hung around her neck, as she stood with Soda on her front porch. "Call me soon, okay? Make sure you let me know what your doctor says too."

Soda put his arm around Penny's waist, ignoring the internal pang brought on by the mention of Dr. Simons, as he also felt the usual pain move through his fingers and hands. "I will. I'm pretty sure I know what he's going to say though."

Penny laid her head on Soda's chest. "You're going to heal more, Sodapop. It'll take time. But you will."

Soda wrapped his other arm around Penny to embrace her, the gold locket pressing against his shirt, just below his own heart. "I hope so." But I don't know, he thought. I might run out of time.

* * *

"It's just weird, Superman. He was acting way too normal this morning. I haven't been able to get any of it out of my head."

Darry nodded along with Steve, finding relief in the shared concern. "I couldn't stop looking at him earlier. I know it bugs him, but I couldn't stop myself."

Steve leaned his head back on the porch swing, his eyes closing. "I'm so tired that I feel like last night wasn't even real. And it bothers me to feel this way because shouldn't I just be glad he seems better?"

"It's kind of hard to be glad about anything when you've got reason to believe something's not right. You know even better than I do this wasn't just a bad night he could bounce back from that fast."

Steve opened his eyes, but kept his head on the swing. "I should tell you something, Darry. Cause me and Soda did talk about even more last night. He was thinking about specific things that he could do to hurt himself."

"Did he tell you what?"

"Yeah."

Darry waited for Steve to continue, letting a few moments pass by in silence, before he touched his friend's shoulder. "Steve? This is something I need to know."

"But it's my fault. It's Soda. He's not supposed to think of doing this."

"Your fault? How the hell do you get that?"

"Cause he said he's thought about overdosing."

"That's not your fault."

"But it's what I did, Darry. He even said he could take something that he knows would make him fall asleep. You know why? Because the pain pills I took didn't do that. Soda knows they just made me sick."

"That doesn't mean he's thinking of this because of you."

"I poured it out, Superman."

"Poured what out?"

"The cough syrup in the medicine cabinet. Cause I know Soda's taken it before, and it made him drowsy."

"Okay."

"He also said he thought about going so deep in water, he can't get back up in time to breathe."

Darry, still processing what Steve was saying, looked over at the younger man to see his eyes had closed again. "Don't blame yourself, okay? You know how I look at it?"

Steve swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to choke back the emotions that made his eyes well with tears. "How?"

Darry squeezed Steve's shoulder. "Soda knows what you did, and that's why he'll tell you everything he's feeling. He'll tell you what he's thinking cause he knows you understand."

"I told him that too. I told him I understand better than anybody can cause he felt bad for scaring me. But it feels terrible to me to know he could think of overdosing too. It's like I put that idea in his head."

"But he didn't say he was planning to do it, right?"

"No. I asked again." Because I know how fast that can change, Steve thought. "I'm really hoping it helped him to say that stuff outloud." And I'm praying that being so honest and real breaks the power.

* * *

"Yeah. I had a good time with Penny tonight. We don't even really have to do anything, you know? I just like being with her."

Steve looked at Soda's face, as he listened to him, unable to refrain from imagining what was happening inside his best friend's head. "I know you do, man."

Soda looked down at his socked feet that rested on the porch, feeling the coolness of the concrete press into his soles and toes. "I've never cared about another girl the way I care about Penny. I want her to have everything good in the world." His gaze drifted back up to look at Steve. "You should go home, buddy. I know you're here cause you want to make sure I'm okay."

"Gee, Sodapop, I just can't imagine why that would be." Steve felt himself cringe inside at his own sarcasm, before starting to apologize. "Sorry, man, I-"

Soda only chuckled and tossed his arm over Steve's shoulders. "Don't, man. It's kind of nice to hear your smartass self."

"Oh yeah? Cause more of that can be arranged, you know."

"I bet it can. Seriously, you can go home, Stevie. I'm fine."

"Yeah, and I was born yesterday right after hell froze over."

Soda laughed, giving Steve's shoulders a squeeze. "Okay. I get it. You don't believe me."

"No shit, Sodapop. That couldn't be any clearer if my head turned into a crystal ball right now."

"Yeah. I wouldn't believe me if I were you either."

"Damn straight. I know you wouldn't."

"Really, Steve. I promise I'll be okay tonight. I won't do anything. Can you at least believe that?"

Steve sighed, as he squeezed Soda's shoulder. "Yeah. I can."

"I'll see you in the morning, I swear."

"Promise me one more thing?"

"Sure."

"If you start feeling as bad as you did last night again, don't be alone."

"Okay. I won't."

Steve put his arms around Soda, hugging him. "Damn it, man. I'm so worried about you. And I don't know what else to do, except keep giving you hugs and reminding you I'm here."

Soda returned the embrace, burying his face in Steve's shoulder. "You can keep being a smartass and making me laugh too."

Steve smiled, reluctant to release Soda. "Yeah. I sure can do that."

"It feels good to laugh."

"I know, buddy. It's good for you too. You need that."

"But it almost makes me want to cry too. Like it hurts somehow."

Steve could hear the tears in Soda's voice, now even more reluctant to let him go. "Whether you laugh or cry, my ass will be right here. Hell, you can do both at the time time, and you'll still be stuck with me."

Soda felt himself laugh a little bit. "Good. Cause I think I am doing both at the same time. I'm going crazy, man."

"Eh, just a bit." Steve pulled away and looked at his car that was parked in the driveway, then at his best friend. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah. I'll be over before church."

Steve took his car keys out of his pants pocket, hesitating for a moment, before he got to his feet.

Soda stood up too, staying beside Steve, as he gave him a reassuring smile. "I'll be fine tonight, Stevie. I promise. I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

The much-wanted heartbeat flew up to Heaven, angelic arms cradling the life that never got to be.


	25. Chapter 25

The fog of grief moved along in the shadows around them, bringing with it the power to put asunder and the draw to pull together.

* * *

Steve's eyes scanned the sanctuary, as he sat down on the pew beside Soda."This is weird. I've never been here without him."

Nicholas' mind echoed the same sentiment, as he took his seat on Steve's other side. "I know. Samuel's always here. I hope everything's all right."

* * *

Samuel held Vivian's hand, as he stood at her bedside and spoke to the attending doctor. "She started bleeding a lot early this morning too."

Vivian fought back tears, yet another cramp moving through her back and stomach, the pain reverberating in her body. "It hurts. Something's not right. I can feel it."

* * *

Steve opened his Bible to Psalm 51, as Pastor David was beginning the morning's sermon. He looked at Soda out of the corner of his eye, his voice quiet. "Hey, you okay, buddy?"

Soda felt Steve's hand on his shoulder, as he touched the open Bible's pages. "Yeah. I'm okay."

Steve still watched the expression on Soda's face, as he listened to Pastor David read the verses of the Psalm: "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence, and take not thy holy Spirit from me."

Soda stared at the words on the page, a prayer forming deep down in his soul, as he read the last verse the pastor was focusing on today: "The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise."

* * *

The cool gel covered Vivian's skin, the wand moving over her belly. The sonogram display showed a grainy image that held within it the silhouette of a baby, though the sound of a beating heart was nowhere to be found.

* * *

"Yeah. He never misses church. It makes me think there's something going on. I just talked to him yesterday though."

Audrey nodded along with Nicholas' words, as she reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze. "David and Grace also haven't heard from either of them today. I hope nothing is wrong."

Nicholas felt the concern radiate through him, remembering how Samuel had cried the day before. "Me too. But, honestly, I'm worried."

* * *

Samuel remained at Vivian's side, his arms wrapped around her. He held her tight, as grief closed in on her heart. "I love you, honey. I love you so much."

Vivian breathed through the physical pain she suffered, vaguely aware of Samuel's hold on her, as she cried. Shock moved in waves, despair flowing along with it. "Don't make me wait, Samuel. Please. I want it to be over."

Samuel spoke through the numbness that had rendered his eyes dry. "Okay, honey. The doctor already said they're going to do the procedure because you're bleeding so much. Then, you'll go home soon." To do what? he thought. See all the baby stuff in the house? "Shh. I'm here, sweetheart." He closed his eyes, a canvas of emotions painting itself on his soul. Mourn this child and have faith in the God, who took our baby from us, before we even had a chance?

* * *

"Hey, so what do we do, while my dad's over there fawning over Audrey?"

Soda heard Steve's voice, as he sat down on the altar, the mask he'd been trying to create falling into a tenuous place. "Steve, I think- I think I need..."

Steve stole one last glance at Nicholas and Audrey, before he lowered himself down beside Soda. "You need what, buddy?"

"Those Bible verses today, I don't know if I really get them, you know? But they sound like me."

"How do you mean?"

"That guy, David, the one in the Bible. He was saying he felt bad cause of what he did, right? And he was telling God about it?"

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"He said his heart was broken."

Steve laid his hand on Soda's back, able to hear the sadness making its way into his best friend's voice. "Yeah."

"That's how I feel, Stevie. Like my spirit is broken."

"But you know it's different and not cause of anything you did, right?"

"No. I don't know that."

"Sodapop, please listen, man. I know you've been dealing with a lot of guilt, but it's not cause you've done anything wrong."

"Then, why is it there? What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you, man. Hey, you know all about the guilt I've gone through. And it wasn't cause I did anything bad, right?"

"No. You didn't. You felt bad for a lot, but none of it was your fault."

"Yeah. The guilt was just a feeling that was there because I was hurting and couldn't control it or fix it. I think blaming myself was a way to cope. Sometimes, it still is. I know you've seen that in me."

"I guess. I'm just not sure what to do with it, you know? And I need God to fix my spirit. I mean, I pray and tell l him stuff, but I don't know how to pray like that."

"Like what?"

"Like in the Psalm. With the fancy words and all."

"But you don't have to, buddy. You know that. You just talk to him. Tell him what you told me. You know what else? Maybe the verses sound fancy, but that's not what's important about the prayer. That's not the point of it. Neither is the guilt David felt."

"Then, what is the point?"

"Just like you said. That he's praying about how he's feeling. He's being honest and laying his heart out there for God to see."

* * *

Samuel held Vivian's hand, while the anesthesia flowed from the IV into her veins, making her eyes close. He kissed his wife on the cheek, as she fell into unconsciousness, then squeezed her hand, before slowly letting go and slipping out of the room.

Samuel had only just made it around the corner, before his knees hit the floor. "God, how could you? How could you do this to us? To Vivian? I know I don't deserve to be a dad, but she should be a mom. There's nothing she wants more in the world, and you took our baby. You already have Matthew. So why? Why did you do this?"

* * *

"Sorry, Dad. I've just been pretty distracted."

Nicholas chewed the last bite of his sandwich, as he followed Steve's gaze, seeing Soda outside in the backyard. "It's okay, Son. I just couldn't help but notice you didn't try to embarrass me in front of Audrey today."

Steve chuckled, eating more of his own sandwich. "I don't even gotta try. It's way too easy."

"So do you think Sodapop is better than he was? He still doesn't seem like himself. I'm worried about him too."

"I don't know. He'll say he's fine, but then talk more about stuff that tells me he's really not. But I already know that anyway. He knows it too cause I told him."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Not like the other night. Just about hurting and being sad."

Nicholas reached for Steve's arm, as he saw him start to get up. "Are _you _okay, Son?"

"Yeah. I'm okay, Dad. I'm not losing it or anything like that. I'm holding myself together better than I would've thought."

"All right. Just keep letting me know when you need me, and I'll be there every time. For you. And for Sodapop too."

* * *

_Don't think about it._

_ Don't think about what's happening in there._

_ Don't think about how they're scraping out and suctioning what's left._

_ Emptying the womb. Tissue. Products of conception._

_ The remains._

_ The remains of our dead baby._

* * *

"Hey, Steve-O, you should make one of them speeches at graduation."

Steve heard the faint sound of the telephone ringing, as he raised an eyebrow at TwoBit's suggestion. "Me? Make a speech? Why the hell would I do that?"

Soda smiled at the thought, looking over at his best friend. "Yeah. You should, Stevie. You'd look real tuff up there talking to everybody."

Steve shook his head at the idea. "But I've got nothing to say." He heard the back door open and looked to see Nicholas standing there, a serious expression on his face. "Hey, Dad. Something wrong?"

Nicholas played the phone call back in his mind, certain he'd never forget the sound of his friend's voice. "That was Samuel on the phone just now. He's at the hospital with Vivian. He didn't say much, and I couldn't understand everything. But it sounds like she lost the baby."

* * *

_This is all my fault._

_ Because I was so scared._

_ So selfish._

_ God took the baby from her because of me._

Samuel felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Nicholas at his side. "Hey. God, I can't do this. I can't."

Nicholas sat down in the chair beside Samuel, seeing the unmistakable signs of grief shining all over the preacher's face. "What happened? How's Vivian doing?"

"I just saw her, but she- she's still asleep from the anesthesia. The baby's gone, Nicholas. She miscarried."

"I'm sorry. So sorry."

"They did an ultrasound cause she was bleeding and hurting. But there was no heartbeat."

"So what did they do then? Why did she get anesthesia?"

"The miscarriage, it wasn't finished. The baby was dead and still inside her. She could have possibly waited for everything to happen naturally, but she was bleeding so much, the doctor didn't think it would be a good idea. She didn't want to go through that anyway. So they put her to sleep and..."

Nicholas listened to Samuel's words trail off and filled in the blanks of what his friend was unable to say, as he wrapped his arms around him. "I'm so sorry."

Samuel cried into Nicholas' shoulder, numbness giving way to tears that seemed endless. "It's because I didn't have faith. I kept doubting God, so he took the baby."

"No. That's not why. Please don't blame yourself."

"Then, why? Why did God do this? Tell me why!" Samuel pulled away from Nicholas and got to his feet, pacing the carpet of the waiting area. "He's good. God is good. So for him to do this, I must've done something. Vivian's good, and she always has faith. So it must be me!"

Nicholas saw Samuel stop pacing and lean on the wall, then stood up to go to his friend's side. "Samuel, it's no one's fault. Not hers. Not yours. It just happened."

"But you can't tell me why, can you?"

"No. Because I don't know. But I do know-"

"How can you know it's not my fault then? I've been so upset with God, so maybe he changed his mind. Or maybe he knows I would've let something happen to this child too!"

Nicholas pulled Samuel into another hug, determined not to let him go this time. "No. You love God, Samuel. I know you do. And he loves you too. You know he understands everything you were feeling about having another baby. He understands how much you miss Matthew and how hard you struggle with the guilt over his death. He didn't let this happen because of anything you've felt lately. It didn't happen because of you at all."

"I was scared. I was so scared of being a dad again."

"I know. But that's not why. You and I both know there aren't always answers to these questions. But God didn't take the baby because you've been scared."

"Now, I'd give anything to go back to that. To thinking about being a dad and holding a baby. Watching Vivian be a mom." Samuel clutched Nicholas, anger fading into the rolling waves of sadness that were pulling him under. "I'd give anything for her not to be going through this. Cause even if I feel like I deserve the pain, she sure doesn't."

* * *

"Well, I'll catch ya'll later."

Soda waved to TwoBit, as his friend made his way toward the Randles' back gate. "All right, man. Take care."

TwoBit unlocked the gate and pushed it open. "Care? I'm too busy having fun for that, Sodapop. Come on. You know better." He shot Soda a smile, before looking toward Steve.

"Bye, Steve-O. I'll see you at school tomorrow."

Steve leaned on the porch railing, giving TwoBit a nod. "Yeah. All right, man. See you tomorrow."

Soda waved one more time, watching TwoBit head down the sidewalk, his gaze not leaving his friend until after he had turned the corner. He then looked over at Steve. "You all right, Stevie?"

Steve met Soda's eyes, before he snapped out a reply. "Hell, no, I'm not all right. Do I look all right to you?"

"I'm sorry. I was just asking. I didn't mean-"

"You didn't mean what, Sodapop? I'm over here wondering if you're still thinking about some way to kill yourself, and now, I'm worried about Samuel too."

"I was just going to say I didn't mean you should be all right."

Steve turned away from Soda, closing his eyes. Breathe, he told himself. Don't lash out at him. He doesn't need that.

"Steve? I'm sorry."

Steve felt Soda's hand on his shoulder, his eyes still closed. You know what all that guilt is like, he told himself. You want him to keep being honest with you. Don't hurt him more, or he might stop telling the truth.

Soda let his hand fall from Steve's shoulder, before backing away from him to sit down on the porch steps.

Steve let out a breath, as he opened his eyes, then turned his head to see Soda. "Sorry for snapping at you, man. I know you were just asking. Don't feel bad about it."

Soda nodded, knowing what would happen if he tried to speak.

Steve went to sit beside Soda, settling an arm around his best friend's shoulders. "So you think I should give a speech, huh?"

Soda grinned, his emotion beginning to recede. "Yeah. I don't know why. I can just picture it though."

"I think it sounds scary as hell."

"You'd just have to imagine everyone is in their underwear."

"Why would I do that?"

"It's supposed to make you not feel as nervous."

"I think it'd just make me start laughing. I know TwoBit was just talking when he said it, but what do you think I'd have to say?"

"I don't know. I guess I'm just proud of you for making it, so it sounds tuff."

"Thanks, buddy. That means a lot coming from you." Steve gave Soda's shoulders a squeeze, still keeping his arm around him. "So are we okay then? I don't want you to stop telling me stuff."

"Yeah. Of course we're good, Stevie. I ain't going to stop telling you stuff."

"Okay." Steve gave Soda one more squeeze, before letting his arm drop to his side, as his gaze wondered to the view of the street. "I hope my dad gets back soon. I want to know how Samuel's doing and what the hell happened with his wife. I can't imagine, you know? They already lost one kid, and even though this one wasn't born yet, they just lost another one."

"I've heard Samuel talk about his son at church before, but what happened to him? He's never said."

"Samuel's told me a lot about what he went through after, but he's never told me the whole story. He did tell my dad though. His son drowned."

* * *

Vivian's eyes slowly opened to see Samuel at her bedside.

Samuel stroked his wife's cheek. "Hi, sweetheart. You can rest here as long as you need to."

"We lost our baby, Samuel. We lost it."

Samuel put his hand over Vivian's intertwining their fingers. "I know. I'm so sorry."

"But I was doing everything right. I was taking care of myself. Why did the baby die?"

"I don't- I don't know, honey. But you did do everything right. It was nothing you did. It just happened."

"When can you take me home?"

"Tomorrow. So you need to rest for a while first."

Vivian's eyes started to drift closed. "Stay?"

"Of course I'm staying." Samuel put his other hand on Vivian's forehead, then stroked her hair. "I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

"Sodapop? What is it, man?"

Soda heard Steve speaking to him within the swirling thoughts that were pulling him back to the conversation he'd had with Samuel. "Steve, I didn't know. I didn't know."

Steve laid his hand on Soda's shoulder, searching his friend's eyes. "You didn't know what?"

"I didn't know his son drowned."

"I know you didn't. That's why you just asked me what happened."

"I had no idea. I swear."

"Cause no one ever told you."

"But, Stevie, the other day, I told Samuel about holding my head under the water. He lost his little boy like that, and I was telling him I wanted to go under and never come up again."

"Calm down, buddy. You didn't know. Just like you were saying."

"I even told him it felt good to be in the water like that and how it started to hurt, so I had to come up. He said I didn't drown because my body will fight to stay alive any way it can."

"He's right, man."

"But he must've been thinking of his kid, and I was telling him I wanted to drown."

"You didn't know that, buddy."

"I just wanted to tell somebody cause I got scared of what else I could do."

"It's Samuel, man, so he would've wanted you to talk to him, no matter what."

"I didn't think I'd ever be able to tell you or Darry. He told me I didn't have to tell ya'll everything, just to remember that I can cause you wouldn't be mad at me. He said I should let you guys be there for me completely."

"Looks like you listened to him then. Cause you are doing that."

"Samuel's a really good guy. He's been through a lot of shit too. I sure hope I didn't hurt him."

* * *

"Thanks for coming, Nicholas. Please pray for Vivian. She needs it."

Nicholas looked at Samuel, as he touched his shoulder, still able to see the sadness on his friend's face. "I will. And I'll be praying for you too."

Samuel's eyes avoided Nicholas', drifting down the hall to Vivian's room. "She told me she was doing everything right. She was taking care of herself."

Nicholas only listened silently, realizing there was nothing he could say in this moment.

"She asked me why the baby died. I told her I don't know. It just happened."

Nicholas rubbed Samuel's shoulder, as he bowed his head, a quiet prayer leaving his lips. "God, please help them through this. Comfort them somehow."

Samuel's gaze shifted from the hallway back to Nicholas. "I told her that, but it made me feel like I wasn't telling the truth. It made me feel like I was lying to my wife."

* * *

"Hey, no cheating allowed, man. I saw you slip that ace in your sock!"

Soda feigned disbelief at Steve's accusation. "Ace? In my sock? I wouldn't do that, Stevie!"

Steve couldn't help laughing, as he reached for the card tucked inside the sock on Soda's right foot. "The hell you wouldn't!"

"Hey, it must've been the poker fairy again!"

"Or maybe another one of the tooth fairy's cousins. Next thing you know, there will be another card stuffed up your-" Steve stopped when he saw Nicholas step inside the house. "Dad, what happened? How's Samuel?"

Nicholas tossed his car keys on the counter, before joining Soda and Steve in the living room. "Vivian had a miscarriage. She's staying overnight at the hospital. Samuel is- He's not doing great."

Steve set his hand of cards down on the floor. "I'm sorry that happened. Is he...okay? Is she?"

Nicholas sighed, his mind going back to Samuel's words of grief that carried such guilt within them. "He's trying to cope. Vivian is doing all right physically. She just needs time to recover."

Steve looked over at Soda, then back at Nicholas. "What can we say to them, Dad? It's terrible. I mean, they lost a baby. And Samuel, he's always there for me when I need him. So what do we do?"

Nicholas felt the warmth of the sentiment his son had spoken wash over his heart, as he formed a response. "We make sure we're there for him too, Son. Both of them. So even if we don't say anything, we listen. We listen and we pray."

* * *

"God, can you fix my spirit? Steve says I didn't do anything wrong, but I always feel like I did. I should be happy, right? I'm supposed to be. But I'm not. I'm sorry for that, God. Can you please forgive me?"

* * *

Samuel stared at Vivian, who remained sound asleep, her body soaking in the needed physical rest. "I love you so much, honey. I hope I can help you get through this. I hope I can be enough."

He looked up, his eyes gazing toward the God he knew and still loved in the midst of questions and turmoil. "God, I'm sorry for being angry at you. I don't even feel like I should ask you for anything right now either. But I know you're listening. So please help Vivian. She's hurting, and I can't make it go away."

Samuel reached out and rested his hand on his wife's arm. "I can't bring the baby back. Or stop her from hurting. No matter how much I sit here and blame myself. But please, God, help her find some peace and heal."

* * *

"I asked him, Stevie. I asked him to do it."

Steve sat on the floor of his bedroom, breaking out of his own thoughts to look at Soda. "Huh? You asked who to do what?"

Soda crossed his legs over the carpeted floor, as he looked down at it. "God. What we were talking about earlier. I asked him to fix my spirit."

"Oh."

"And I asked him to forgive me."

"God doesn't think you did anything wrong either, buddy."

"I still thought maybe it would help, you know? Since I feel like that. Cause I keep thinking I should be happy. I shouldn't be thinking the things that I am."

"He gets it, man. He ain't lookin' down at you, thinking you're doing something bad cause of how you're feeling. That's not what God does. He loves us. He loves you."

"I know he does."

"And he heard you. I know he did. Cause that's what he's there for. You've told me that before too."

"I just hope he listens. I really need him to listen." Soda looked up, his eyes meeting Steve's. "Would you ask him for me too? I mean, right now?"

"Of course I will." Steve scooted closer to Soda, laying a hand on his best friend's back.

Soda let his head rest on Steve's shoulder, his eyes closing.

Steve stared at Soda for a moment, the words of a prayer coming together in his mind, before he closed his own eyes. "God, you see Soda here with me, and I know you're here with us too." He opened one eye, peeking at his best friend. He reached for his hand, squeezing it, as he continued to pray. "You see what's inside him, what he's thinking and feeling. He's bringing that to you, God. So please take this guilt away. Make his heart stop hurting so much." Steve paused, his own heart reflecting back on how he'd once felt, before moving on to all Soda had confided in him over the past couple of days. "I think I know what Soda means about his spirit being broken. I know that feeling. It scares me, God. It scares me more than anything for him to feel like that and to think the way he has been."

"I'm sorry, Stevie. I'm so sorry."

Steve opened his eyes, as he squeezed Soda's hand once more. "No, buddy. Don't. Don't do that. Okay? It's all right." When Soda didn't say anything else, he prayed again, his gaze moving up. "So please heal everything that's hurting and making him have these thoughts. I know you can do it. So please do whatever he needs. Bring Soda out of this darkness and fix his spirit." Steve looked over at his best friend, noticing Soda's stillness within the atmosphere of prayer, as he pictured God reaching down to touch him. "Please, God, heal what's broken, and fix his heart."

* * *

A hand touched her head, pulling away once it felt the heat that radiated from her skin. She didn't open her eyes, as she heard the voices around her, then felt another hand press against her forehead and cheeks.

She sighed at the coolness of the touches, finding they were soothing, as she fell back into a deep sleep, slumber a blessed escape from both the burn sending shivers through her body and the grief brought on by an incomprehensible loss.


	26. Chapter 26

Life attempted to keep going, picking up the pieces, as hearts hoped for healing and prayers met the face of Heaven.

* * *

The basketball circled the rim of the goal, hovering, before it dropped away and bounced on the concrete.

Darry caught the ball, as he patted Soda's shoulder. "You almost had it, little buddy."

Soda shrugged, smiling at his big brother. "Damn. It looked like I did for a second there." He watched as Darry took a shot, and the ball went right into the basket. "Nice one, Dar."

Darry high-fived Soda, before he retrieved the ball and bounced it to his brother. "I don't even know the last time we did this."

Soda dribbled the ball, the sound of it bouncing on the concrete ringing in his ears. "Me neither." He took a shot toward the basket, making it this time.

Darry caught the ball that bounced toward him and dribbled it, before shooting and making another basket. "I'm not even rusty though, am I, little brother?"

Soda went after the ball that was bouncing away from them, grabbing it before he sat down on the ground and grinned up at Darry. "Nope. You're not. Even if you are kind of old now."

Darry sat down beside Soda, ruffling his hair, before giving him a shove. "Oh, but I ain't too old to take you right here and now, little buddy. You better watch it."

Soda laughed, as he shoved Darry back. "Man, I missed this."

"Missed what? Me showing my muscles off on you?"

Soda stared at Darry smiling, as he shook his head. "No, Dar."

"What then?"

"I missed just being your little brother." Soda got to his feet, holding the ball, as he looked up at the basket, then back at Darry. "I missed it more than I even knew."

* * *

"Shh. It's okay, honey. I promise. You had a fever, but it's starting to break. You're going to be just fine."

Vivian groaned, as she opened her eyes to see Samuel at her side, his voice an anchor of security. "What happened? Why am I sick?"

Samuel sat on the edge of his wife's hospital bed, looking right into her hazel eyes that held both the bleariness of deep sleep and the sorrow that encompassed her heart. "We're not sure, sweetheart. But you got some medicine to bring the fever down and antibiotics. So they're taking care of you."

"How long have I been here?"

"Since this morning. It's still Sunday. As long as everything goes okay, you can still go home tomorrow morning."

"Oh. But how can everything go okay?" Vivian turned her head, burrowing her face into the pillow, as a tear slid down her cheek. "How can anything go okay when our baby's gone?"

* * *

"I just can't begin to imagine. I don't even want to imagine what she's going through right now."

Nicholas agreed with Audrey. "I know. When Samuel called me, he was so upset, I could barely make sense of what he was saying. Or maybe I didn't want to believe it either."

Audrey leaned on Nicholas, waves of sympathy flowing through her, as she thought of her brother and her sister-in-law. "I know Vivian wants another baby more than anything in the world. And as much as the whole idea scares Samuel, there's nothing he'd love more."

"I remember when he first told me about Matthew. I'd had no idea at all."

"I wish you could've met him. He was such a sweet little boy. I won't ever forget when Samuel called and told me what happened. I really thought it was going to destroy him."

"From everything he's told me, it came pretty close. Now, I can't even think about them losing Matthew without looking at Steve and reminding myself I can never take him for granted."

* * *

"Why are you looking at me like that, Kid?"

Pony's gaze moved back down to the homework in front of him, before he responded to Steve's question. "No reason."

Steve shrugged, as he looked out the front window.

"Didn't Soda just leave your house a couple hours ago?"

"Yeah. So?"

"And you're over here already?"

"Nah, Kid. I ain't here. I'm a figment of your overactive imagination."

"Well, at least I _have _an imagination. You wouldn't know a creative thought if it bounced right off your head."

Steve started to laugh, having not expected this reaction to his sarcastic reply. "Man, that's an image."

"It is, huh?" Pony smiled, as he looked at Steve. "And if I were going to imagine someone in my house, don't you think it'd be someone besides you anyway?"

"Nah. Cause I'm the best, Kid. Don't you know that by now?"

* * *

"Hey, Stevie, you should've seen it. I beat Darry's ass in basketball."

Steve caught the ball Soda tossed to him, seeing the smile lighting up his best friend's face. "Oh yeah?"

Darry followed Soda up the porch steps, then pulled him into a headlock. "I think you got it backwards, little buddy."

Steve watched the brothers, smiling at them, as he sat down on the porch swing. "I think I believe Superman on this one, buddy."

Soda felt Darry's fist mess up his hair, before his brother let him go. He turned to Steve, still grinning. "Traitor."

Darry spoke, as he started to open the front door. "I'm going to go jump in the shower, then I'll make us-" He stopped when Soda's arms wound around him in a tight embrace. "You okay, Sodapop?"

Soda felt Darry hug him back and remained silent for a few moments, before answering. "Yeah. But thank you, Dar."

Darry shared a look with Steve, able to read the same concern and question in the younger man's expression. "For what?"

Soda held on tighter, as he focused on getting his thoughts into words at the same time the present blurred in front of him. "For being my big brother and for taking care of me and everything. I know you didn't have to."

Darry stroked his brother's hair that he'd messed up only minutes earlier, the contrast in those moments touching him. "But I wanted to, little buddy. I'll always want to."

Soda pulled away from the hug, his smile slipping back into place. "I know that, Dar."

Darry grinned at Soda, as he squeezed his shoulder. "All right. I'm going to head inside."

Steve met Darry's eyes, nodding at him in silent promise, as the older man went in the house.

Soda sat down on the porch swing, whistling, as his foot tapped the concrete.

Steve felt Soda's hand on his shoulder, noticing when his grip grew tighter. "You all right, man?"

"Just trying not to get lost in it, Stevie. It helps to hang onto someone, doesn't it?"

"Buddy, are you having a flashback?"

"Yeah. It came out of nowhere when me and Darry got back just now."

Steve heard Soda resume the whistling, still feeling the tight grip on his shoulder. It can help to hang onto someone, he thought. He put his arm around his best friend. It can also help if someone hangs onto you.

* * *

"How do I do this, God? She's right. Nothing can be okay. I know I told you I'm sorry about it, but I'm still angry. You didn't have to do it, God. You didn't have to take the baby. I was trying. You know I was trying to trust you!"

* * *

"Breathe, buddy. Please. There's nothing to be scared of."

_The mask runs away. Blood pours from the wound. Too much? What if I stop breathing?_

"Sodapop, come on, man. Breathe and talk to me. Tell me what's going on in your head."

_Will he come back and shoot me again? Blood dripping onto the floor. What if I die here?_

"You're scaring me, buddy. Please say something. You're too still."

Brown eyes meet blue ones._ I need help, or I'll die. _A deep breath. _Please hurry, Darry. I don't want to die._ More small breaths. _Please help me._

* * *

"So how am I supposed to trust you now, God? Nicholas is right. I love you. I'll always love you, God. But how can I have any faith?"

* * *

"It doesn't make sense, Stevie."

Steve stayed beside Soda, internally shaken from what he'd just witnessed. "What doesn't make sense?"

Soda stared at his lap, the images and sensations of the past still moving through his consciousness. "I didn't want to die that night."

"Of course you didn't, man."

"It scared me so much to think I could."

"I know."

"In the hospital too. When I had that reaction to the medicine. I felt real funny. I didn't want to die."

"So what doesn't make sense?"

"How could I ever want to now then? Or look back and wish I had? How could I think about trying?"

"I think it's different, buddy. I _know _it's different. Remember what I've told you before about me? How it's not really about wanting to die?"

"Yeah. I remember."

"Laura calls it emotional distress. It's cause you're hurting, and you just want that pain to go away."

"Does it ever still happen to you?"

"Does what still happen to me?"

"Those kinds of thoughts."

"Yeah. I don't know for sure, but it seems like once you have them, it's easy for them to come back again."

"It's not as bad now, right?"

"No. It's not as bad at all."

"You can still tell me about that, you know. Nothing changed."

"I do know that, buddy. I know nothing changed, and I can always come to you with anything."

Soda felt himself begin to fall into another daze, his body going still.

Steve gently shook Soda's shoulder. "Hey, man, stay with me."

Darry stuck his head out the door. "Hey, little buddy. Dinner's ready. Did Pony happen to tell you where he was going tonight?"

Steve stared at Soda, the silence bothering him. "Sodapop, Darry's talking to you. You need to breathe too, buddy. Just like I said earlier."

Darry stepped all the way onto the porch, drawing near his brother. "Hey, Sodapop. What's going on?"

Soda remained still and quiet, his eyes not looking up at Darry.

Steve shook Soda's shoulder again. "Please, Soda. Please breathe. I can't- I hate seeing you like this."

Darry crouched down in front of Soda, his own face close to his brother's. "I think you're okay, little buddy. You look like you're spacing out quite a bit though. But Steve's right. You gotta breathe."

Soda's gaze shifted to Darry, his chest rising and falling one time.

Steve put his hand on Soda's shoulder, holding on, even as he looked away from his best friend, panic and fear making tears edge into his eyes.

Darry glanced at Steve, a suggestion dying on his lips, as he realized the younger man wouldn't even consider it. He turned back to Soda, giving him a small smile. "I promise you're all right, Pepsi Cola. You want to come in and eat? It's nothing special, but I made chicken and mashed potatoes. Of course, it's all a normal color."

Soda slowly nodded, his breathing becoming steady. "Okay, Dar."

Steve felt himself let out a breath, as he squeezed Soda's shoulder. He pushed back the tears, before turning to look at his best friend. "You all right now, buddy?"

Soda gave another nod, as he looked back at Steve. "Yeah. I think so."

Darry remained crouched down in front of Soda, keeping an eye on him. "You coming in and eating too, Steve? There's plenty."

Steve released Soda's shoulder, then pulled a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his pocket. "Uh, maybe in a little bit, Superman."

Soda watched Steve light one of the cigarettes, his own distress not stopping him from recognizing that of his best friend. "You okay, Stevie?"

Steve took a drag off his cigarette, before replying. "Yeah. I'm fine. You guys go on and eat. I'm just going to sit out here for a few minutes."

Darry stood to his full height, as he nodded at Steve. "Sure. I'll make you a plate. Come on, little buddy. I'm hungry."

Soda's gaze lingered on Steve, as he started to follow Darry into the house.

Steve puffed on his cigarette, his eyes locking with Soda's. "You can go, man." You scared me, he thought. I couldn't even stay calm enough. "I'll be in in a few minutes." Seeing you that still made me want to panic. "Don't worry about me." I couldn't even see that you were breathing. And right now, I don't want you to see me cry.

* * *

Samuel pressed his hand to Vivian's forehead, able to feel that her skin was now much cooler. "See? You're okay, honey."

Vivian's eyes fluttered open, her body less groggy than it had been earlier. She reached for Samuel's hand. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay. Just worried about you."

"I love you, Samuel."

"I love you too."

"We're going to get through this." Vivian pressed Samuel's hand to her chest, holding it right over her heart. "We're going to get through it together."

* * *

"Kid, I swear you have the worst timing lately."

Pony looked at Steve, who was on the hood of his Ford, the evening darkness still allowing him to see the tears on his cheeks. "What's that mean?"

Steve rubbed a hand down his face, though he knew there was no hiding the expression of emotion already there. "Nothing. Never mind, Pony."

"And I used to think Greasers didn't cry."

"So I take it you now know that's bullshit, right?"

"Yeah. I do."

"Everybody cries, Kid. Whether you see it or not. I don't even give a damn who sees me anymore."

"So..." Pony stepped closer to Steve, glancing at his house. "Are you okay then? Is Soda?"

"Yeah, Pony. I just got shook up is all. Don't worry about it."

"Oh."

"Crying ain't got anything to do with being a Greaser. Not that I know what that means anymore anyway."

"Yeah. I don't think I do either."

"I mean, so what I don't got a lot of money and live on this side of town? So what if I put grease in my hair and got hauled in once for some stupid shit?"

Pony found himself grinning at Steve. "So what if you can lift a hubcap so fast, no one ever catches you?"

Steve chuckled, in spite of the lump still caught in his throat. "Damn right, Kid. I know how to keep it quiet too. Don't forget that."

"None of it matters anymore, does it?"

"Nah. I don't think it ever did either." Steve slid off the hood of the Ford, as he stared at the Curtis' house, able to see the porch light flicker on, while Soda and Darry both moved about within. "Cause the only thing I know that does matter is we're all human."

* * *

"Sodapop, I swear if you apologize for anything else, I'll clock you one."

Soda started to speak again, only to hold back when he saw the expression that accompanied Steve's threat. "But it's true. I am."

Steve's face softened, as he dropped down beside Soda, an arm automatically going around his shoulders. "I know, man. I think you just got too overwhelmed by the memories and what you were thinking about. I've been the same way, and you were there for me too."

"Yeah. I remember that. There's no way I could forget it."

"I didn't tell you this then, but you and my dad, you made me feel safe. I could just be, you know? Cause you guys were both holding onto me. You were my anchors when I couldn't get out of my own head enough to even move or talk."

"That was scary to me, Stevie. Seeing you like that. I think it helped me too for your dad to be there. It helped me stay calm. I remember praying for you and holding your hand and telling you it's okay."

"And that helped, buddy. It really did. I wish I could've been that calm tonight. But you were so still, and it fuckin' terrified me."

"What matters is you were here with me. It felt like I was just falling into my thoughts, you know? And I was having a hard time climbing back out."

"Yeah. I know, man. I know what you mean." Steve put his other arm around Soda and hugged him. "I'm going to head home, okay, buddy?" But I don't really want to, he thought. "I'll see you sometime tomorrow." Because, right now, I hate leaving your side.

* * *

Steve zipped up his backpack, the sound buzzing in his ears, before he set it aside and went down the hall to Nicholas' bedroom. He lightly knocked, as he looked inside. "Hey, Dad?"

Nicholas closed the desk drawer he'd been looking through, a yawn escaping him. "Yeah, Son?"

Steve stepped inside the room and sat down on his dad's bed. "I know it's been a really long day. But I think I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed and stuff and- I don't know."

Nicholas saw Steve press his face into his hands, as he sat down beside him. "I can see how you would, Son. It's all right."

Steve drew in a deep breath, letting it out, as he looked at Nicholas. "Did you hear from Samuel anymore?"

"I haven't. But I'm sure I will tomorrow."

"I hope so. I want to talk to him, Dad. I mean, I can't do anything. But, you know, he's a good friend. To you and to me. To Soda too."

"He is."

"Remember that night when I came in here and asked for a hug? Then asked you to pray for me?"

"Of course I do."

"I needed that comfort and everything so bad that night."

"I could tell."

"Soda asked me to pray for him earlier. I mean, he's done that before, but he meant he wanted me to pray right then. So I did."

"I know God hears you too, Son. I know he's listening."

"Then, tonight, Soda and me, we were sitting outside. He was acting sort of weird, but then, he told me he was having a flashback. He was doing stuff, trying to stop it from being too bad."

"Did that help?"

"It seemed to at first. But then, he got all dazed and was really still. Like I did that night I was just talking about. But I don't think I was that damn still. I kept telling him to please breathe, Dad. I tried to get him to talk to me."

Nicholas put his arm around Steve, rubbing his shoulder. "So did he?"

"Yeah. He took this deep breath and looked straight at me. A few minutes later, he started talking, and I guess he must've been going back to right after he got shot. Cause he was talking about how he didn't want to die that night. But it wasn't over yet, Dad. It happened again, and I swear I was about to fall apart."

Nicholas pulled Steve into his chest. "I'm sorry that happened, Son. I'm sorry Sodapop's going through all this."

"I knew I shouldn't panic, but I couldn't help it. It didn't even look like he was breathing at all. He was so still, Dad. It's like I knew what was happening, but I still felt like I was losing my best friend."

"You've already been so scared of losing him more than once, so I understand."

"Darry came outside and started talking to Soda. He was so much calmer than me, telling him he was okay and stuff."

Nicholas squeezed Steve tightly. "I'm so proud of you, Son."

"You're the second person to tell me that today."

"Oh yeah?"

"Soda said he's proud of me for graduating."

"I'm proud of you for that too." Nicholas pulled away to look at Steve, his eyes meeting those of his son. "But please hear me say I'm the most proud of the person and the friend that you are, and I'm so thankful to call you my son."

* * *

"I ain't lost inside my own head anymore, Darry. I'm fine now."

Darry couldn't help but sigh at Soda's declaration, his disbelief clear. "You were awfully spaced out, little buddy. What was that?"

Soda let out a sigh of his own, able to hear the sound of the shower running in the background. "I had a flashback, then got too deep in thought after. It was nothing."

"Nothing? Are we back to that again?"

"Back to what?"

"You trying to brush stuff off like it's not a big deal when it obviously is. Like when you told me you just had a bad night."

Soda heard the shower go off, as he gave voice to his thoughts. "Fine. You want to know, Dar? I was sitting there like that cause I can't get over how I didn't want to die that night at the DX. I knew I could bleed to death, and that scared the shit out of me. I go back to when I was sitting there waiting for you, and I'm scared all over again. I hugged you so damn tight earlier cause that's where my head was!"

Darry stayed silent, laying a hand on Soda's shoulder, willing the comfort and support to keep him talking.

Neither brother had heard the bathroom door open, unaware that a third set of ears was now listening on the other side of Soda's partially open bedroom door.

"He had on a mask, and he told me to give him the money. I wasn't fast enough cause I was shakin' so much. That's how it happened, Dar. He said he was done with me, and then, he shot me." Soda felt his breathing speed up, his voice growing unsteady, as he grabbed Darry's hand. "I keep thinking of how I wanted to live that night, but now, I'm always feeling like I don't. Not if I keep hurting all the time. It doesn't even sound so bad to die."

Darry didn't have time to reply, before Soda's door flew all the way open.

Pony, a mix of tears and anger on his face, rushed at Soda, hands reaching out to shake his middle brother. "How could you even talk like that? I love you more than anyone in the world, Sodapop! How could you say you want to die?"

Darry reached for Pony's arm, the firm grip making his youngest brother stop shaking Soda. "Easy, Kiddo. Everything's going to be all right."

Pony's gaze locked with his oldest brother's blue eyes. "That's bullshit, Darry, and you know it. Our brother's saying he doesn't want to live, so how can it ever been all right?" He turned back to Soda. "Have you even thought about what that would do to us? You know what it's like to lose people you love, so how could you ever say any of this shit?"

Darry saw the pained expression on Soda's face, as his middle brother remained frozen and didn't even attempt to speak. "Ponyboy, stop. You gotta stop, Kiddo. I know you're upset, but this isn't going to help."

Pony pulled away from Darry's hand that had tried to draw him closer. "So what am I supposed to do, huh? Just listen to him say that stuff? Is that what you and Steve did all this weekend when you were obviously trying to keep something from me?"

Darry stood to his feet, going closer to Pony, even as he continued to back farther away. "Pony, it's okay. We're supposed to listen. That's what Soda needs."

Pony ran from the room, knowing Darry was on his heels. He made his way down the hall and across the house, before he went out the front door.

Darry ran onto the porch, an unwelcome memory in his mind, as fear laced his voice. "Ponyboy! Come back here now!"

Pony stopped in his tracks, feeling the tears on his face, as he stood near the sidewalk and turned back to look at Darry. "Don't worry, okay? I can't be here right now, but I swear I'll be back later. I promise, Dar. I ain't going to run away again."

* * *

A loud knock startled the two men inside the house. The younger one glanced at the older and shrugged, before looking out the front window. The sight on the porch made him hurry to fling the door open, his body already filled with anticipatory dread.

* * *

The pain within the middle brother led him to fight, even as his big brother's arms wouldn't let go, keeping him wrapped in their fierce hold of comfort and protection.


	27. Chapter 27

Panic threaded its way among them, leaving anger and tears in its wake.

* * *

"Ponyboy! What the hell is going on? Why are you here?"

Pony ignored the obvious fear in Steve's voice, as he pushed his way through the Randles' now-open door. "You told me Soda would be okay! Guess what? He's not! Oh, wait. You already know all about it cause who else would he tell?"

Steve felt his heart pounding, his mind jumping to the worst scenario, as Pony's words and visible tears hit him like a freight train. "What are you talking about, Kid? What do you mean he's not okay?"

Nicholas came from the living room, having heard both Pony's yelling and the clear alarm in Steve's voice. "Ponyboy, try to calm down. Okay? Calm down, take a seat, and tell us what's going on."

Pony took deep breaths, still seeing red, as he sat down in one of the kitchen chairs. "Soda was saying stuff. The kind of stuff I thought I didn't have to worry about cause Steve told me he's doing what he needs to do."

Steve felt tears prick his eyes, as relief flooded him. "Damn it, Kid. You scared me to death, showing up and saying he's not okay."

Nicholas reached for Steve's shoulder, squeezing it, as he guided him to sit down across from Pony. "It's all right, Son. That's not what he meant."

Steve studied Pony's expression, uncertain about what he saw there. "Spill it, Kid. What happened? What did Soda say?"

Pony hung his head, his brother's words going over and over in his mind. "He said- He said he feels like doesn't want to live and that it doesn't sound so bad to die."

Steve closed his eyes for a few moments, as he felt Nicholas sit down near him. "He said that to you?"

Pony shook his head. "No. Not to me. To Darry. They were talking in Soda's room, and I heard them. I had just gotten out of the shower, and they didn't know I was there."

Steve finally noticed the rest of Pony's physical appearance that included damp hair and bare feet to go along with his plaid sleep pants and a thin white t-shirt. "So you heard that, then just took off?"

Pony looked down, avoiding Steve's curious gaze. "Um, no. I didn't. Maybe I should have."

Steve stared at Pony, noticing when he averted his eyes. "What did you do then, Kid?"

Pony's guilt started to envelope him, as he recalled the look on Soda's face. "I yelled at him, Steve. I grabbed him and shook him. Cause I got mad and scared and..."

Steve looked over at Nicholas, meeting his dad's eyes for a second in an effort to stay calm. "That's the last thing Soda needs, Ponyboy. What did you say to him?"

Pony felt his tears start up again, but he wiped them away, as they tried to fall. "I asked him how he could say stuff like that. Cause I love him, and he knows what it's like to lose people. I asked him if he's thought about what it would do to us."

Steve abruptly stood up from his chair, nearly knocking it over. "You can't fuckin' guilt him right now, Kid. He's got enough of that going on."

Pony also got to his feet, his fists clenching. "I wasn't trying to guilt him, Steve. I just don't want him to be thinking that way."

Steve drew close to Pony and gripped the sleeve of his shirt. "And do you think he wants to think that way? Do you believe Soda wants to feel the pain that's making him say stuff like that? Hell, no, Ponyboy!"

Nicholas got up from his chair and put his hands on each of Steve's shoulders. "I think you need to relax, Son. It's okay."

Pony's fists remained clenched, even as Steve let him go and took a few steps back. "Of course I don't believe that! But you said we should all make sure he knows we love him, and that's what we do. So if he can still feel that bad, what now? What can I do to stop him from doing what you did? He told me the other day he'd never try to kill himself, but I sure don't believe that now."

Steve went and grabbed his shoes, then sat down to put them on his feet. "I'll tell you where you can start. You're going to apologize to Soda." He tied the last lace, then stood back up, looking straight at Pony. "Cause yelling at him about how he feels and running off sure ain't the way to show you love him. You're walking back to your house with me, and you're going to talk to your brother."

* * *

"You should've let me go after him, Darry. It's my fault he ran off."

Darry stayed close to Soda's side, needing his presence. "No, it's not, little buddy. I want you to talk to me. Besides, he'll be back."

Soda leaned against the couch cushions, resting his head. "Pony ain't ever yelled at me like that before."

"I know. But he's just scared."

"Why can't I stop hurting everyone, Dar?"

Darry brushed his fingers through Soda's hair, the pain in his little brother's voice nearly unbearable. "You aren't hurting anyone. That's not what's happening, Pepsi Cola."

"Then, what is happening? Steve says there's nothing wrong with me, but I think there is. I think there's a lot wrong with me."

Darry kissed Soda's forehead, then pulled him closer to hold him. "You're hurting a lot and trying to sort through it and unravel it. You aren't hurting us, but we hurt with you because we love you. Pony's been through a lot. He's still just a kid, and the kind of feelings you're having are more than he can handle."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want him to hear anything like that. He wasn't supposed to."

"I know. But don't be sorry. Like I said, I want you to talk to me. Pony loves you to pieces, and he's gotten to be pretty perceptive anyway, so keeping anything from him is damn near impossible."

* * *

"At first, I just heard him talking about the shooting. And I guess I kept standing there cause Soda hasn't been telling me a whole lot lately. And I knew ya'll were keeping something from me this weekend."

Steve walked beside Pony, both of them following the path to the Curtis' house. "Well, if he does decide to tell you stuff, you can't lose your shit like that, Kid."

Pony scowled at Steve, his bare feet moving along the concrete. "Oh, like you've never snapped at Soda."

"Not the way you told me you did, and I sure as hell haven't yelled at him for hurting. Or decided to split, instead of making things right if I do get snappy."

"You didn't deny it either."

"I didn't deny what?"

"That ya'll were keeping something from me all weekend. I said it to Darry too, right before I left. Soda's been feeling like this, and that's why he was barely around Friday night. Am I right?"

"Something like that, Kid."

"I asked Darry if I'm just supposed to listen to Soda saying stuff like that, if that's what ya'll did this weekend. He told me that's what Soda needs. So is it what you did?"

"I listened to Soda talk about a lot, Pony, so yeah."

"That's why you two were holed up in his room all that night."

"He didn't do all the talking, but yeah, it is. Darry's right. That is what he needs." Steve saw the Curtis' house come into view, as they rounded the corner. "It's hard enough to talk too, so the worst thing you can do is lose your shit and shut him down."

* * *

"Hey, Superman, I brought your brother back."

Darry looked up at the the unusually quiet sound of Steve's voice. "You did? Pony went to your house?"

Steve held the front door open, sticking his head inside. "Yeah. He did. He told me what happened. Is Soda okay?"

Darry made his way over to Steve, looking out to see Pony standing beside his truck. "I don't know. He got pretty upset, but of course he did." He nodded toward where he'd left his middle brother. "He's over there on the couch. He wouldn't go to bed til Pony came home, but I think he dozed off."

Steve stepped inside, then felt Darry's hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you for looking after Pony."

"Of course, Superman. He sure scared the shit out of me showing up like that."

"I bet. It's not every night he takes off to your house." Darry patted Steve's shoulder, before stepping outside.

Steve watched Darry make his way toward Pony, before he went to check on Soda. He saw his best friend stretched out on the couch, his face pressed into the cushions. "Hey, buddy. Pony's home."

Soda turned over, as Steve sat on the edge of the couch. "Huh? He was with you?"

"Yeah. Who'd have thought the kid would come running to me?"

"He told you what happened?"

"He did. Even the parts he knew would piss me off."

Soda sat up, rubbing his eyes that remained tired from both recent sleep and tears. "Where is he? Is he pissed at me?"

"Nah. He did some yelling over at my house too, but I don't think he's mad at anybody. More like scared and sad. He's outside with Darry."

"I didn't mean for him to hear me, Stevie."

"I know that."

"Me and Darry hated it when he ran off."

"Of course you did. Kid got in an awful lot of trouble last time he did it."

"It ain't that late, but still. I wanted to go after him, but Darry wouldn't let go of me."

"Well, the kid can outrun you, and it's not like you would've checked my house. Besides, you were upset, and running all over wouldn't help." Steve heard the front door open and looked to see Pony and Darry coming inside, then squeezed Soda's shoulder. "I'm going to head home again, buddy. You two will patch things up."

Soda nodded at Steve, as he got up to leave. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."

Steve paused beside Pony, also giving his shoulder a squeeze. "See you later, Kid."

Darry watched Steve go out the front door, then led Pony over to Soda, noticing how his two brothers silently stared at each other.

Pony spoke first, as he hesitantly sat down beside Soda. "I'm sorry. I know I must've hurt you, and I never, ever want to do that."

Soda looked away from Pony, his eyes dropping to his lap. "I'm sorry too. I know it hurt you to hear me say that stuff."

Pony glanced at Darry, before he reached out to Soda and held his hand, even as the middle brother still didn't look at him. "I shouldn't have yelled at you, Soda. Or said anything that could make you feel bad. Especially not when I know you already do." Pony leaned to see Soda's face, giving him a grin. "And I ain't just saying sorry cause Steve got on my case either. I mean it."

Darry moved to Soda's other side and put his hand on his back. "You listening, little buddy?"

Soda nodded, squeezing Pony's hand with his own, before letting go. "Yeah. It's okay, Pone. I ain't mad at you." He got up off the couch, his back to his brothers, as he spoke. "I'm going to bed, ya'll. I love you. Good night."

* * *

"Vivian has to be right, God. We have to get through it together. What other choice do we have?"

* * *

Shaking hands opened the medicine cabinet.

* * *

"I really didn't want to leave. I never do lately. But they needed to talk. Maybe I don't even have to say this, but please pray for him, Dad. Please pray for Soda."

* * *

Brown eyes scanned the narrow shelves, the relief they sought not found.

* * *

"Night, Pone. Everything's going to be all right. I promise I'm not just saying that. Soda's going to get through this."

* * *

Still-shaking hands closed the medicine cabinet.

* * *

"I will, Son. Trust me. I already have been praying for him."

* * *

Hands needing comfort gripped the pillow, soaking it with tears. "I'm sorry, God. I wasn't going to do it. I just don't want to feel like this anymore."

* * *

The sound of sobbing drifted through to the other side of Soda's bedroom door.

Darry opened it quietly and looked through the darkness to see his middle brother shaking beneath the covers of his bed. "Hey, little buddy. I thought you'd gone to sleep."

Soda tried to choke back his cries, as he burrowed further under his blanket. "I tried. But I- I couldn't."

Darry crossed the room and sat down beside Soda, feeling the fresh night air from his open window. He put his arm around his brother's form that he could still see trembling underneath the blanket. "Shh. I know it's been a hard night, Pepsi Cola."

Soda pulled one arm out from under the blanket and held onto Darry's. "Please stay in here tonight, Dar. Don't leave me alone."

Darry lifted his legs onto the bed, then laid his head on the pillow beside Soda's. "I won't, little buddy." Anything I can do to help you, I will, he thought. "I'm here." You're never alone. "I'm staying right here beside you."

* * *

"We really don't have another choice, do we, God?"

* * *

The watch dangled in front of Steve's eyes, its chain making it swing, like a pendulum, before he reached out and grabbed it. "What the hell, TwoBit?"

TwoBit took the watch from Steve and looked down at it, as he chuckled. "I don't know, man. Thought maybe I could hypnotize you."

"Where'd you get that anyway? Swipe it from a Soc?"

"Nah. It ain't _that _nice. Found it in a drawer at home. I guess it must've belonged to my old man."

"Oh."

"It's funny. I wasn't worth his time, but now, I've got his watch." TwoBit held the watch in front of Steve's face again, making it swing. "You're getting sleepy. Very sleepy."

"If you don't quit that, you're going to be very sleepy all right."

"But it'll help you relax, Steve-O."

"Keep it up, and I'll show you how to relax."

TwoBit laughed, then slipped the watch into his pocket. "You ain't got time for that, huh?"

"Nobody does, you goofball."

"I do. I've got all the time in the world."

* * *

"Oh. Hey, Nicholas. I didn't know you were coming."

Nicholas stepped back from the door, as Samuel came out onto the porch. "I'm on lunch break and just wanted to see how Vivian is. You too."

Samuel sat down in one of the rocking chairs, taking a moment to ponder his response.

Nicholas sat in the other rocking chair, watching his friend. "I'm not expecting you to tell me you're fine."

"That would be a big lie, wouldn't it? I brought Vivian home a couple of hours ago. She ran a fever yesterday, which really scared me. But the medicine brought it down, and it didn't spike again after she got some antibiotics too. She's still very tired, but the doctor says that's normal."

"What about you then?"

"I've been talking to God a lot. Telling him everything I'm thinking."

"That always helps. I still remember you telling me he can handle anything we have to say."

"Yeah. I remember that too."

Nicholas let silence fall over them for a few seconds, the need to reach out to his friend somehow becoming greater. "I remember something else you've told me too."

"What's that?"

"That when you and Vivian lost Matthew, blaming yourself couldn't bring him back. Taking on that guilt didn't control the pain you felt, and it didn't make her hurt any less either. The same is true now too."

* * *

"Hey, Stevie, what are you doing here?"

Steve closed his driver's side door, before joining Soda over by the Chevy. "What? I can't come see my best buddy at lunch time?"

Soda looked down, his eyes meeting the pavement of the DX parking lot. "No. Of course you can. I didn't mean-"

"Sodapop, I was kidding, man."

"I know."

"Have you eaten yet?"

"No. I just punched out. I don't- I don't know if I feel like eating anything."

"Damn. I don't think I've ever heard you say that at lunch before."

"Probably not."

"But you need to have something. So let's go to your place and raid the fridge."

* * *

Vivian wound up the mobile's music box, a new batch of tears filling her eyes, as she sang along with the tune: "Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are."

* * *

"It might help if you eat just a little bit, man."

Soda took Steve's advice, eating small bites of the sandwich in front of him. "My stomach's just not feeling great."

Steve spread mayonnaise on bread, then added a slice of bologna. "Yeah. I can tell."

Soda took a few more bites of the sandwich and was about to speak again when the phone rang. He got up and answered it, the voice on the line making him remember what day it was. "Oh. Hey, Doc. Yeah. This is Sodapop."

Steve's ears perked up, listening, and watching the expression on Soda's face, as he continued to eat his lunch.

"Yeah. Okay. Thanks. I'll see you then."

Steve saw Soda hang up the phone. "Hey, man. What did he say?"

Soda started to reply, only to cover his mouth, then turn and bolt away.

Steve finished chewing and swallowing his food, then followed after Soda, finding him in the bathroom, the door wide open.

Soda was on his knees in front of the toilet, his stomach continuously heaving.

Steve knelt beside Soda, a hand on his back, even as he himself cringed at the sound of vomiting.

Soda's stomach heaved one more time, as it finished emptying itself. He rested folded arms on the toilet seat, his face hidden in them. "Man, Pony ain't going to be the only one who hates bologna now."

Steve rubbed Soda's back for a moment, then was careful not to look down, as he moved to flush the toilet. "I might not see it the same way either. I'm sorry, buddy. Maybe I shouldn't have told you to eat."

"Not your fault, Stevie. Ain't like you shoved food down my throat."

"Last time you got sick like this, it was cause you drank too much. Which I know ain't the case today."

"Nah. The only thing I did last night was cry myself to sleep."

Steve kept his hand on Soda's back and leaned his head against his shoulder. "All this stress and stuff can sure do it, buddy. Did the doctor say something, or was it going to happen anyway?"

"It wasn't what he said. Just told me I have an appointment on Friday." Soda lifted his head up, then got to his feet to go over to the sink.

Steve stood up, watching as Soda let water run into his cupped hands, then rinsed his mouth out. "You feeling any better now?"

Soda spit water into the sink, then turned the faucet off. "Yeah. I think so."

Steve followed Soda back into the kitchen, noticing how he was eyeing what remained of lunch. He then got a glass and filled it with cool water, before handing it to his best friend. "The best thing is for you to drink this. And maybe you can have something a little lighter."

Soda sipped the water, the liquid soothing to his throat. "You my nurse today, man?"

Steve rolled his eyes, giving Soda the smallest of shoves. "I've just done a lot of puking my guts up, so I know what helps."

Soda took more swallows of the water, as he sat down and looked out the window at Steve's car. "You ain't going to be late cause of me, are you?"

"Nah. Not as long as we leave in a minute. You okay to go back to work?"

"Yeah. I'll be all right. Besides, I've missed enough, you know?"

"I know, man."

"I don't want to be home by myself either."

"You know I agree with you on that one, buddy." Steve sat down across from Soda, picking his car keys up off the table. "You are Pony are okay now, right?"

"Yeah. We talked."

"Good. I just wondered cause you said you cried yourself to sleep."

"Oh. That, um, wasn't cause of Pony. I was just..." Soda trailed off, as his eyes moved away from Steve's, then looked inside the glass he held, staring at what was left of the water. "...sad. So I cried."

* * *

Vivian clutched the stuffed stars of the mobile, as her singing faded into sobs. She felt arms that she knew belonged to her husband draw her close.

Samuel cradled Vivian, the sound of her anguished cries burrowing its way into his soul. Please, God, he prayed. Hold her in your arms too.

* * *

"Are you sure you'll be okay working?"

Soda laid his head against the Ford's passenger seat, as he replied to Steve's concern. "I'll be fine, Stevie. My stomach ain't feeling as bad. Those crackers helped it settle some more."

Steve took the next right turn, seeing the DX up ahead, as his eyes shifted from the road to Soda. "It's not really your stomach I'm worried about."

"I know."

"I've known you almost your whole life, man."

"Yeah."

"And you've never gotten sick to your stomach cause you're upset or anything like that."

"I've done a lot lately that I haven't before."

"That's true. But it's why I'm so worried."

"Stevie, I- I'm fine. Really."

Steve turned into the DX parking lot and stopped the car, before turning to face Soda. "Sodapop, you're not fine, buddy."

Soda sighed and fidgeted with the DX cap in his lap, then put it on his head. "I guess you would have to be crazy to believe me, huh?"

"I just watched you barely able to get any lunch down, then sat with you, while you were throwing up. I know we don't got time to talk right now, but I couldn't not say anything about it, man."

Soda reached for the door handle, starting to get out of the car. "I know, Stevie. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay. I'll be over after I'm done with Laura." Steve watched Soda step out of the car and close the passenger door, before going toward the DX building. Come on, buddy, he thought, as he drove out of the parking lot. Please don't keep anything inside and make yourself sick. Cause I know just how that feels.

* * *

"Ponyboy, may I speak to you for a moment?"

Pony turned to look at Mr. Syme, his answer automatic. "Yes, Sir. Of course."

Mr. Syme took a seat at his desk, stacks of essays spread out in front of him. "I haven't seen you so distracted in a long time."

"Oh."

"You usually participate in my class much more too."

"I'm sorry. I was trying to pay attention. Really."

"How are things at home?"

"They're...okay."

"You're getting along all right with your brothers?"

"Yeah. I mean, Darry and me, we argue sometimes, but not like before."

"How is Sodapop doing?"

"Oh. He- He's getting there, I guess. It's just..." Pony looked down at his feet, studying the uneven loops of his shoe laces. "...taking a lot of time."

"Are you worried about him? I remember how close you two are."

"Yeah. I guess that's why I'm not very focused." Pony's gaze moved up to meet that of his English teacher. "I mean, don't get me wrong, Mr. Syme. He's healing up." Green eyes shifted back down to his shoes, following the zig-zag pattern created by laces that were no longer a solid white. "But it's just not that simple."

* * *

Soda drank down the rest of the Sprite, the clear bubbly liquid helping to calm his remaining nausea. He gazed through the glass that made up the front of the DX building, outwardly flinching when the image of the mask appeared there.

Soda gripped the bottle he'd been drinking from tighter, as he attempted to blink away the vision, only for the gunshot to echo through his mind, bringing with it the memory from the night before. He backed away from the counter, becoming aware of the presence behind him when he bumped into it and froze in place.

"Hey, you all right there, Sodapop?"

Soda heard Mr. Coleman's voice, his eyes closed tight, as he steadied his breathing. "Um, yeah. I just get jumpy here. Especially when it's quiet like this."

Mr. Coleman put a hand on Soda's shoulder, squeezing gently. "I can understand that. But it'll be busy again in a little bit. Is there anything I can do to help with this, or is it just going to take some time?"

Soda opened his eyes and gazed through the glass again, the mask now gone. "I think it's going to take some time." But what about everything else that's not getting better at all? he thought. "Maybe a lot of time." More than I even have the strength to face.

* * *

"Hey, Steve, can we talk a minute?"

Steve waved Pony over to his car, as he got in the driver's side. "Get on in here, Kid."

Pony opened the door and slid into the passenger seat. "I hope I'm not being a pain in the ass."

"You're not bothering me, Pony."

"I mean, it's fun to be a pain in the ass to you, but it's not what I'm trying to do right now."

"So what are you trying to do?"

"I'm trying to say I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For scaring you last night. Since Soda had already told you about how he's been feeling, I know what you must've thought when I showed up like I did."

"It's all right, Kid. All that matters to me is nothing happened."

"I'm sorry if I sounded like I was blaming you too. You know, cause of what I said about you telling me he would be okay. I don't mean to do that."

"What I said to you is still true, Pony. Soda's doing what he needs to do. He's not keeping all that stuff inside. Feeling like he is doesn't mean he will hurt himself either. I've told him to please say anything he's thinking cause he needs to get that shit out, and I don't ever want him to feel alone. Not even for a second."

"Did you ever feel alone?"

"Yeah. But I think that's cause of what happened to me when I was a kid. Since it's not like anybody else could get it like I do, you know? And I must've felt alone when I overdosed, or I wouldn't have done it."

"I don't want Soda to feel alone either. It's weird to imagine he ever could."

"I'm trying to make sure he doesn't. Hey, I should apologize to you too, Kid."

"Why?"

"For yelling at you. I ain't sorry for anything I said at my house cause it's the truth. But I am sorry for how I said it."

"It's okay, Steve."

Steve put his key in the ignition and started the car. "I really gotta go, Pony. I have an appointment to get to."

"All right." Pony opened the passenger door and started to get out of the car. "I'll see you later."

"Hey, Kid?"

Yeah?"

"So are we making these little heart-to-heart's a habit?"

"I guess so. But don't worry. I haven't told a soul."


	28. Chapter 28

Sunlight draped the room, shades of truth coming unveiled, as one heart shared what it carried inside.

* * *

"It was automatic. I didn't even have to think about any of it. I mean, I wouldn't have thought I could handle this. But I did. Cause it was Soda, and I'd do anything for him."

Laura studied Steve, as she listened to him, on the alert for any signs of impending distress. "So how did you handle it? What was automatic once Sodapop started confiding these feelings to you?"

Steve's gaze found its way to the window in Laura's office, able to feel the tears in his eyes, as he discussed the recent night he'd shared with his best friend. "I got him to keep talking and made sure he knew he could tell me anything. I had to be sure he knew I wouldn't go anywhere, no matter what he said or felt. No matter how much it scared me to hear him talk about dying."

"I'm certain it would be hard for anyone to listen to someone they love express the thoughts and emotions Sodapop was experiencing that night, but I know your history could make it particularly difficult for you. Not even only because of your own feelings and your suicide attempt, but also because he's one of the people who's been there for you. He's been instrumental in helping you recover."

"And maybe that's another reason I had to do what I could to help him that night." Steve's eyes moved from the window back to Laura, as a tear he didn't bother to wipe away slid down his cheek. "A couple of days ago, me and Ponyboy had this talk cause he said something about how he used to think Greasers don't cry. But I told him everybody cries. And I feel like I'm so far from all that now. Not even just cause I cry and don't care who sees me."

"In what other ways have you moved away from that societal label?"

"Well, no offense to you, but I'm sure coming here once a week to talk about my feelings and stuff wouldn't be considered too tough."

Laura saw a ghost of a smile cross Steve's face and smiled back at him. "None taken, Steve. Not at all. I'm sure you're right about how counseling would be viewed from that perspective."

"And I go to church. To top if off, I _like _going to church. I go in my dad's room at night and sleep beside him, if I'm having a hard time with something and need to be close to him. Even the fact that I'm going to graduate with grades that ain't just barely passing isn't something that goes with a Greaser's rep."

"I'm glad you're making your own choices and doing what you need and want to do, regardless of whatever assumptions exist. You take care of your self, not just an image you have to maintain."

"I think me and Soda both have really screwed over any Greaser image. I mean, we did way before now just cause of the stuff we talk about with each other. But Friday night, there was nothing going on anybody would find tough at all."

"Because that wasn't your priority, especially not in those moments."

"Earlier, right after the whole counseling thing went bad, we hung out in the park, smoked cigarettes, and talked about girls. We were just being guys. But later, that couldn't have been further from our minds."

"Later, you were two best friends sharing some of the most traumatic struggles that exist."

"Yeah. I can't believe I ever cared about being tough or not being soft. Cause when Soda started telling me what he was feeling, and I saw how bad he was hurting, I wanted to hug him all night. I just about did. I've got no problem telling him I love him either. Cause I do, and he needs to hear it."

"You care more about your friend than about any sort of image that society has built for you, and you're coming from a place of not only deep concern, but also empathy. It's easy for you to know what Sodapop might need in those moments because of your own experiences and because you know him so well too."

"Like I said, it was automatic. I'd have thought I might be too scared or overwhelmed to do anything else besides hug him and all. But we really talked a lot about what he was thinking. I kept asking him questions and told him some stuff I hadn't before about the day I overdosed. I'm hoping so much that it helped him to actually talk about it like that, almost like he was letting me inside his head. He was that honest cause I kept telling him he could be."

"I think that sort of transparency is very valuable, Steve. Even more so is a friend, who's willing to listen and be open about something as serious as suicidal thoughts and feelings."

"Soda's basically my brother, so it's the only way I'd ever be. It hurt to hear him say the stuff he did, but I wouldn't have been anywhere else either."

"We're getting close to being out of time, Steve. But there's one more thing I need to address, before you leave."

"Okay."

"Given your history and past trauma, I must check in with you about your own state of mind. Listening to a close friend express such emotional pain can be traumatic in and of itself for anyone. But even more so for you. Are you experiencing any suicidal ideation or impulses to hurt yourself?"

"No. I haven't had any of that. Not since the one time I told you about last week."

"Good. I'm glad to hear that."

"It sure seems like I would with talking about this kind of stuff and being scared, but I haven't at all. I've been really sad, but not like that. I guess I've just been too focused on helping Soda and being there for him to get caught up in my own head."

"Which is a good sign. Especially given that your suicide attempt is still very recent, and you've struggled with those feelings often since then. But, like I've said before, it can feel good to be able to help. You can't control how Sodapop is feeling, but you can be there for him. You've told me before that being there for the people in your life helps you heal, and I'm sure that's true here because you've experienced so much of your own guilt and fear since the shooting occurred."

"Yeah. I can see that making sense."

"So is there anything else we need to discuss today before we end our session?"

"No. I don't think so. But I should tell you something I haven't before."

"What's that?"

"Thank you. For being so good. So nice. I mean, you've never judged me or anything. You've never blamed me for the stuff I've gone through."

"You're welcome, Steve. I understand the value of support too well to be anything besides helpful and understanding. I'm so sorry Sodapop didn't get the same respect."

"It hurts me to know a counselor could be like that. I didn't even realize I was so lucky. I know it's your job, but you're good at it, and I know you care. So, really, thank you for being here for me. Cause I wouldn't be where I am without you."

* * *

Smoke blew from between Soda's lips, before he inhaled another drag off his cigarette. He sat on the back porch steps, clean shirt unbuttoned, as he studied his scar and the fingers, where stabs of pain and tingling shot through, reverberating into his hand and arm.

The back door opened, and Steve poked his head out. "Hey, man. How you feeling?"

Soda shrugged, flicking ashes on the ground, as Steve came to sit beside him. "I don't know, Stevie."

"Your stomach still upset?"

"A little bit."

Steve saw Soda flinch, his eyes then clenching shut. "You're hurting, aren't you?"

"Yeah." Soda opened his eyes and flexed the fingers of his right hand, a sensation of numbness passing through two of them. "I already took some aspirin. It ain't always like this."

"Yeah. I know it's not."

"It doesn't always hurt at all. And a lot of times, it just aches."

"I'm sorry about that, buddy. Hopefully, the doctor can help when you have your appointment on Friday." Steve's hand drifted to the card he'd tucked into his back pocket, uncertain about the subject he wanted to broach.

"Yeah. Maybe he can."

"Soda, I-"

Soda stood to his feet and put his cigarette out, tossing it away, as he walked down the porch steps.

Steve watched Soda cross the backyard and sit under the tree that stood right in the center. He got up to follow his best friend, silent as he settled next to him.

Soda looked up at the tree's branches, as he leaned back against its trunk. "I miss them so damn much."

Steve heard the slight wobble in Soda's voice and put his hand on his shoulder, staying quiet.

Soda turned his head to look at Steve, almost whispering. "I miss my mom and dad."

"I know you do, buddy. Of course you miss them."

"I wonder why God took them away."

"I don't know, man. We don't always get to find out the answers to questions like that."

"I bet we do up there."

Steve saw that Soda's gaze had shifted to the sky above them, the light a lighted backdrop to wispy white clouds. "Yeah. Maybe we do."

Soda closed his eyes, feeling the air move around him, as he breathed in and out. "Or maybe, up there, it just doesn't even matter anymore."

* * *

"We have two babies in Heaven now, Samuel."

Samuel draped a blanket over Vivian and kissed her on the cheek. "I know, sweetheart. How are you feeling right now? Do I need to get you anything?"

Vivian looked down at herself, seeing her belly that was covered by a rose-colored t-shirt. There's no life there anymore, she thought. "No. I don't think so." I'm not carrying a baby now. I don't get to be a mom again.

* * *

Steve leaned his head back against the tree trunk, summoning strength, as he pulled the card out of his back pocket, keeping it face down on the grass beside him. "Sodapop, I need to talk to you about something, okay?"

Soda's eyes focused on the sky once more, before he looked over at Steve, the fingers of his left hand fidgeting with his undone shirt buttons. "Okay."

Steve sat up straighter, then turned to fully face Soda, still gripping the card. "Buddy, you can always talk to me anytime you want. You know I've got your back, and I'll do whatever I can to help. But I think you need more."

Soda's breathing quickened, as he tore his gaze away from Steve, looking down at the buttons. "No! Don't even say it, Steve. Not after that lady last week."

Steve tucked the card back into his pocket, then rested one hand on Soda's shoulder and the other on his arm. "I know, man. Just hear me out because, like I said before, I want you to have all the help that you can. And I want that even more now, after all you were feeling this weekend. I talked to Laura about it today right before I left."

"You talked to her about me?"

"Yeah." Steve let go of Soda's shoulder to take the card back out of his pocket. He pressed it face-up into his best friend's hand. "And she gave me this."

Soda felt Steve's hand move back to his shoulder, as he looked at the card, reading the printed name: _Dr. Anna Morgan. _"But what if-?"

Steve anticipated Soda's question, squeezing his arm, as he caught his eyes. "It won't be like that, buddy."

"How do you know?"

"Because Laura knows her. They're friends. She wouldn't do that to you cause she'd never do that to me."

"Dr. Simons knew the other lady."

"No. He knew a name to give you. That's it."

"Oh."

"And this one is a doctor too. It'll be different."

"A doctor like yours?"

"Pretty much."

"But I didn't- I didn't try to kill myself."

"That doesn't mean you can't see a doctor, man."

Soda looked down at the card again, shaking his head. "I don't know, Stevie."

"It's all right, buddy. I knew you weren't going to jump at the idea. I just wanted to tell you."

Soda slipped the card into his own back pocket, his gaze moving down to the grass, as a dull pain moved along his fingers and arm. "Do you really think I need a doctor like that?"

Steve relaxed back against the tree, his hand still on Soda's shoulder. "I do."

"Cause of everything I said the other night?"

"Yeah, buddy."

"You think I need medicine?"

"I don't know. Maybe. She does counseling too."

"Oh."

"And I know you need that. Just promise me you'll think about it, okay?"

"Steve, I- I'm so damn sorry."

"No, Soda. No more of that. I've already told you. Please stop beating yourself up."

"But you didn't only talk to Laura about me cause you want to help. I know you didn't."

"What do you mean?"

"You talked to her about me because I scared you. I hurt you. And you already have so much stuff to talk about when you see her."

"You gotta stop, buddy. Laura's there for me to talk about whatever I want or need to. That's what she does. You're my best friend, so of course I told her about what was going on. But that's not just cause I got scared, it's because I care about you. I meant it when I said I want to go through all this with you, man. That didn't change when it got tougher."

"I know. Still makes me feel bad though."

"I get it. Of course I get it. But you've been through a hell of a lot with me too. And I know you'd do it all again."

"Yeah. Of course I would."

"So will you at least think about going to see this lady? If I can, I'll go with you again too."

"Yeah. I'll think about it."

"Okay, man. That's all I ask."

* * *

Nicholas' lips met Audrey's in a gentle kiss, before he pulled back to look into her eyes. "Hi. I couldn't wait to see you today."

Audrey took Nicholas' hand and led him over to the sofa. "I couldn't wait to see you either. So how was your day?"

"It was fine. I stopped over to see Samuel on my lunch break. We sat on the porch and talked."

"I called him earlier, and no one picked up. How's Vivian?"

"Samuel said she ran a fever sometime yesterday, but it came down easily enough, so he still got to bring her home this morning. Now, she's just really tired, which is to be expected."

"How about him? You know Samuel well from what I can see. How did he seem to you?"

Nicholas sighed, as he squeezed Audrey's hand. "He seemed okay to me. He said he's been praying a lot, and that's good to hear. I know he needs it."

"But?"

"But, after seeing the way he was at the hospital yesterday, I think there's a lot more going on underneath what I saw today."

* * *

"You brought your homework over here, Stevie?"

Steve flipped through the worn pages of his math book, as he grinned at Soda. "Don't sound so shocked, man."

Soda dropped down on the couch beside Steve and lifted his socked feet onto the coffee table, as he stared at the moving pictures on the television screen.

Steve copied numbers and variables down onto his sheet of notebook paper, working on solving the problems, as he instinctually kept an eye on Soda.

Soda's gaze drifted from the TV screen to the carpet, focusing in on the stain left there by the hot chocolate he'd spilled his first week home.

"You're going to stare a hole in the floor, buddy."

It's always going to be there, Soda thought. It'll stay forever.

"So you got any plans with Penny this week?"

A pang of nausea pierced Soda's stomach. It's just a stain, he told himself. It doesn't mean anything.

"Soda?"

But it's there because of what happened, Soda thought, as his eyes shifted to his right arm. Just like my scar.

Steve saw Soda's left hand move along the healed injury, his fingers brushing over the raised ridge. "You lived to tell the story, remember?"

"Yeah." I lived, and it's over, Soda though. "I remember." But then why can't I stop thinking about dying?

* * *

"Hey, Dar. You got here sooner than I thought you would."

Darry started the truck back up, as Pony slid into the passenger seat. "Yeah. Not much traffic, I guess."

Pony closed his door, then rolled the window down. "It's been awful hot today. Seems like summer."

Darry shifted the truck into gear, driving away from the school. "Tell me about it. It was hot as hell up on the roofs."

"Yeah. Sun was beating down on the track."

"You got a lot of homework tonight?"

"Not really. But I think I need help with some stuff. You said I could ask you."

"Of course, Pone. Just let me shower and all first."

"You look tired, Dar."

"I am. But it's fine."

"Can I ask you something? About Soda, I mean."

"Okay."

"It seems like I know what I shouldn't say to him about, you know, how he's feeling and stuff. But what should I say then? I don't want to hurt him again."

"You're a smart kid, Pone. What do you think he needs to hear?"

"Um, I guess he needs to hear that I need him, and I love him. And I sure couldn't imagine my life without him either."

"Yeah, Kiddo. I know."

"I didn't tell him this last night, but I need to tell him I ain't mad at him cause I know I sounded like it."

"Yeah. He does need to hear that too, Pone."

"I just can't get my head around it, Dar."

"Around what?"

"Soda feeling so bad. I mean, I know I worried about it, but it's different to actually hear him. I think seeing him sad is harder than seeing anyone else sad cause he's usually happy."

"I know. But things hit him hard, and when they do, he feels every bit of it."

* * *

"Easy, buddy. Just try to relax. I don't think there's anything left in your stomach."

Soda felt Steve kneeling beside him, as he laid his head down on the toilet seat, spent from the last few minutes of dry heaving. "I hate this."

Steve rubbed Soda's shoulders. "I know, man."

"Sorry you had to see this twice today."

"That's okay. You know I ain't worried about it."

Soda turned his head to look at Steve, letting their eyes meet, before his gaze dropped to the tile floor.

"Come on, man. You need to drink water and rest."

"I know." Soda lifted himself up and away from the toilet, then moved to stand in front of the sink. He turned on the cold water, splashing it on his face, as he looked in the mirrored door of the medicine cabinet. "What can I do to feel better, Stevie?"

Steve sighed, as he sat down on the edge of the bath tub. "I'm not sure, buddy. My stomach's been upset from stuff, but I only threw up a lot when I overdosed."

Soda sipped some water from cupped hands, then turned off the faucet, watching the rest of the liquid go down the drain. "Oh. Well, I didn't- I didn't do that."

"I know you didn't."

Soda remained in front of the sink, hands braced on the counter. "What do you think that doctor would say to me?"

Steve got up off the edge of the tub and leaned on the counter beside Soda. "I think she'd ask how you've been feeling and what's been happening. That's what Dr. Reynolds does for me. She'd probably ask you a lot of questions, so she can understand and figure out what to do."

Soda heard the sound of the front door opening and closing, followed by the voices of his brothers. "Can you tell them I went to lie down?"

"Sure, buddy. I'll tell them."

* * *

"Hey, Steve. How's it going? Sodapop around here somewhere?"

Steve settled himself back on the couch, opening his history book, as he responded to Darry. "Uh, yeah, he went to his room to lie down. He's not feeling so good, Superman."

Darry sat on the arm of the couch, glancing down the hall to see Soda's closed door. "How do you mean?"

"His stomach is real upset. He's been throwing up."

"I'm going to check on him." Darry moved past Steve to the hallway, opening Soda's door. He saw his middle brother lying on the bed with the covers bunched up at the foot of it. "Hey, little buddy. You awake?"

Soda kept his eyes closed, not rolling over to face Darry. "Yeah. Just resting."

Darry went to sit near Soda and pressed the back of his hand to his forehead, then his cheeks. "You're not warm at all."

"Cause I ain't sick like that, Dar. I don't got a bug or anything."

"Then, what's going on?"

Soda opened his eyes, then rolled over to see Darry. "I think it's, um, from being upset and stuff like that. Cause when I think about things, my stomach hurts."

"Things?"

"Yeah."

"Things you've talked about?"

Soda's eyes moved from Darry's face to the wall across the room. "Yeah. Things I've talked about."

"You've never been sick to your stomach from being stressed before."

"You sound like Steve."

Darry let out a small chuckle. "Well, I can't say I ever thought I'd hear that."

Soda smiled, his eyes moving back to his brother's face. "And I never thought I would say it."

"Speaking of, I don't think you could get rid of him right now, if you tried."

"Is he in there doing homework again?"

"Yep. He sure is. I have to go take a shower, then help Pony with his."

"You can go, Darry. I'll just be right here."

"How's your stomach feel?"

"Just empty. I'm not nauseous now."

"All right. I'll bring you a glass of water because you at least need to stay hydrated."

"Okay. Dr. Simons called earlier. I have an appointment on Friday at 2:00."

"He say anything else?"

"Nah. I guess he's saving it for then."

Darry ran his fingers through Soda's hair, pushing it back, seeing his brother's eyes close at the touch. "Is there anything else I can do, little buddy?"

"I don't think so, Dar. I'm just going to rest for a while."

* * *

"You didn't do that one right."

Steve looked up at the sound of Pony's voice, his eyes moving away from the history chapter he was reading. "Huh?"

Pony pointed to one of the algebra problems on Steve's completed math homework. "That solution's incorrect. It looks like you mixed up some signs."

Steve scowled, as he snatched the paper up. "I'll show you mixed up." He studied the problem Pony had pointed to, going back through it step-by-step. "Well, damn."

Pony laughed. "I'm right, aren't I?"

Steve picked up his pencil, beginning to erase the problem. "Yeah, yeah. Simple mistake. Don't tell anybody about this, Kid."

"About what? That you messed up a math problem?"

"Nah. Don't tell anybody I admitted you were right."

* * *

Audrey poured red wine into the glass in front of her. "Would you like some?"

Nicholas stared at the bottle, seeing the glass fill up. "I'm not sure if I should. I told you about how I drank and really overdid it."

"Oh! That's right. I'm so sorry, Nicholas. Maybe I shouldn't-"

Nicholas cut her off with an arm around her waist. "No. It's okay." He opened the cabinet above them and reached for another glass, before pouring some wine for himself. "Just in the spirit of sharing with you, I'll have a glass."

* * *

"Hey, man, you should see me and Pony in here. We-"

Soda didn't even hear Steve's words come to a halt, just as the fingernail pressing into the skin of his left arm began to draw blood.

Steve sucked in a breath, as he stepped into the room, realizing that Soda seemed oblivious to his presence. He closed the door, making certain it clicked shut, before he moved toward his best friend.

Soda felt a needle-like sting, as he again pushed fingernail into skin, only stopping when it started to bleed.

Steve reached for Soda's right hand and held onto it, studying the fingernail-shaped arches and lightly bleeding scratches that were on his left arm.

Soda felt Steve squeeze his hand and blinked, as he looked up at his best friend, then back down at the injuries. "Steve, I- I didn't mean to."

Steve didn't loosen his grip on Soda's hand, as he closed his eyes for a few moments. His mind counted back from ten, then his heart prayed: God, help me here. Give me the words I need. Don't let me hurt him. "Then, what did you mean to do?"

"I don't know. But I-"

Steve interrupted, keeping his voice soft, despite the harsh words. "Bullshit. I think you do."

"I just wanted to shut it all off." Soda blinked rapidly, tears beginning to decorate his eyelashes. "I wasn't even wanting to make it bleed. But it- it just did."

"You wanted to shut what off, buddy?"

"The stuff I keep thinking about."

"You mean the suicidal thoughts?"

"Yeah. And the other stuff I've told you I feel about myself."

Steve slowly let go of Soda's hand, as he looked at what remained of the marks on his left arm. He could still see a bit of blood, where the skin had been broken in superficial scratches. The arches had begun to fade, though the indentations were visible. "Sodapop, you can't do this, man. I know there's not a lot to it now, but there could be. Did you even hear me when I first came in? I was talking to you."

"No. I didn't. I didn't realize you were in here."

"Didn't this hurt, buddy? I saw you. It looked like it would."

"Yeah. But I guess it didn't really bother me. Not as much as everything else anyway."

Steve's eyes were full of unshed tears, as he put both arms around Soda and held onto him. "It's not a choice anymore. I'm not leaving it up to you."

Soda's tears dripped down his cheeks, as he leaned into the embrace, not comprehending Steve's words. "What? What are you talking about?"

"The doctor. It's not a choice anymore. You have to, buddy. I'm not just telling you to think about it."

"But I won't do that anymore. I swear I won't do it again. It barely even bled. They're just scratches."

"Listen to me, Sodapop. You were hurting yourself to shut off the thoughts you have. You just told me that. And you said the pain from it didn't bother you."

"But I really won't do it again, Stevie. I promise."

"You looked like you barely knew what you were doing, man. I don't think it's that easy either. And if you could do this to cope, I'm more worried than I already was that you could do something dangerous. Especially since I know what's been going on in your head lately."

Soda cried harder, as his memory went back to the night before, remembering how his eyes had roamed the shelves of the medicine cabinet for something that hadn't been there.

Steve buried his face in Soda's shoulder, shedding the tears born of knowing he'd injured himself at all. At the same time, an image connected to his own past crashed into Steve's mind, shivers of grief and fear making him tighten his arms around his best friend.

"Steve? Don't tell Darry about this, okay?"

"Okay. I won't, man. Since you're not hurt real bad or anything, and he knows about everything else." Steve pulled away from the hug, keeping one arm around Soda, as he met his eyes. "But I'm serious about the doctor. You keep getting worse, buddy. You need help."

Soda felt more tears fall down his face, as he laid his head on Steve's shoulder. "You really think it'll be all right?"

"I do. I know it'll be all right. Like I told you, Laura knows her. All you've gotta do is make the call. Or ask Darry to do it. You know he will."

"What if I don't do it? What if I don't call?"

"You have to, Sodapop. Cause you're not getting better. You're not doing okay right now at all, and you need help with that before it gets even more out of control."

"But what if I don't want to go see her? You can't make me do it, Stevie."

"No. I can't make you. But I'm not leaving this alone, and if I have to, I'll go to Darry. I'll give him the name and the number, and he'll call for you, whether you want him to or not."

"But he still can't make me go either."

Steve remained quiet at first, letting moments pass in silence broken only by the sounds of Soda's sniffling. He then gave his best friend a gentle squeeze, as he asked the question that had come to him in the face of this resistance. "What are you so scared of, buddy?"

"I'm scared that you're right."

Steve heard the intake of a shuddering breath, before he rested his own head against Soda's. Me too, buddy, he thought. Me too.


	29. Chapter 29

A/N: Because I now have a whole new batch of chapters I can't wait to post, and this one starts the flashbacks!

The waves of suffering continued to roll, crashing forward, though love and loyalty remained unconditional.

* * *

_"Shit, what do the fuzz want? They just cut my ass loose a couple of days ago."_

_ Soda saw the police car come to a stop in front of his house, as he kicked at the snow that covered the ground, his heart echoing Dallas' curiosity, even while his words did not. "Maybe they're looking to have a quick reunion."_

_ Dallas tossed the burning ember of his cigarette butt into the snow, extinguishing the flame, as two uniformed officers approached them. "Miss me already, boys?"_

_ One of the officers spoke to Soda, unbothered by Dallas' way of greeting. "You're Sodapop, one of Darrel Curtis' younger sons, right?"_

_ Dallas smirked, as he elbowed Soda in the ribs. "Oh, got yourself in some shit, Sodapop? Man, I never thought I'd see it."_

_ The second police officer eyed Dallas, the news he and his partner carried with them leading him to address Soda instead. "We need to speak to Darrel Curtis Jr. Is he here?"_

_ Soda stood up as tall as he could, attempting to ignore the ball of ice that was building in his stomach, the feeling even colder than the winter's snow. "He's inside. Is there some sort of problem?"  
_

_The first officer spoke again, as he shared a look with his partner. "We just need to speak with him. It's urgent."_

* * *

"Are you sad too?"

Samuel lie in bed next to Vivian, as he looked into her questioning gaze, her hazel eyes still sharp with the freshness of grief. "Of course I am, sweetheart."

Vivian nodded, able to see that her husband's face was the picture of sincerity. "Is it just because I'm sad?"

"That's one reason, but it's not the only one."

"I think it was going to be a little girl, Samuel. We were supposed to have a daughter."

Samuel could see the tears filling his wife's eyes again, as he cuddled close to her, pressing their bodies together beneath the covers. But we're not going to, he thought. We never even got to meet this child.

* * *

_"Sodapop, I really need to talk to you. Please come in here."_

_ Soda saw the police car drive away, as he went up the porch steps toward Darry, the tone of his voice one he hadn't heard before. He studied his big brother's face, the coat he wore doing nothing to stop a shiver from moving through him. "What is it, Dar? What'd the cops say?"_

_ Dallas stood in the yard and watched the brothers, feigning disinterest, as he lit another cigarette. _

_ Soda stepped inside the house and peeled his coat off, then tossed it on the couch. "Darry?"_

_ Darry held onto his controlled exterior, as he sat down, pulling Soda along with him. "I need to tell you something."_

_ "Dar, what's wrong? You're freaking me out. Are you in trouble or something?"  
_

_Darry gripped Soda's shoulder, losing the battle with the burn in his eyes. "It's about Mom and Dad."_

_ "Huh? Why would the cops be talking about Mom and Dad?"_

_ "There was an accident. They're gone, Sodapop."_

_ "Gone? I just talked to Dad yesterday. They're coming home today and-"_

_ "They died at the scene, little buddy."_

_ Soda stared into Darry's eyes that shone with tears, the ball of ice in his own stomach still leading him into the mechanism of denial. "No. They can't be dead. No, Darry."_

_ "Dead? Who the hell is dead? What'd the fuzz say to you?"_

_ The sound of Dallas' voice made Darry look from his middle brother to his friend, seeing the blond's blue eyes capturing his own. "Our parents, Dal. They're gone."_

_ Dallas backed away from the pair of brothers. "Oh, hell no! This ain't happening. I'm getting the fuck out of here."_

_ Soda heard Dallas' footsteps hurry quickly out of the house, followed by the slam of the door. Then, he saw Darry's shoulders shake with the sobs he'd been fighting to keep inside. "It's true, Darry? They're not coming back?"_

_ Darry grabbed Soda and held him close. "Yes, it's true, little buddy. It's true."_

_ Soda gripped onto Darry, denial giving way to a numbing sadness, as tears seeped out of his eyes. "No, Darry. Please. Please tell me it ain't real."_

_ "I wish I could, Sodapop. I wish I could."_

_ Soda's heartbeat quickened, as he held tighter to Darry, his newly bereaved mind racing with fear-filled questions. But what are we going to do? Who will take care of us? "Darry, what's going to happen to me and Pony?"  
_

_"Nothing. Nothing is going to happen to you. I'm old enough. You're staying right here with me."_

* * *

"You don't have to keep looking at me like that, Stevie. I'll do it, okay? I'll call."

Steve's gaze didn't waver, Soda's words not convincing him. "Tomorrow?"

Soda turned away, his own eyes shifting down to what could still be seen of the brief episode of self-injury. "Yeah. Or maybe I'll ask Darry. I'm not sure yet."

Steve touched Soda's arm, the minor injuries there and the memory of what he'd witnessed combining to transform into a much darker image. "Please don't do that anymore, man. I get it. But please don't."

"I already told you I won't."

"I know. It just- it really bothers me, buddy. Even though it's not bad, it's still you hurting yourself, and that's something I can't take."

"I wish you hadn't seen me."

"I don't. Cause you might've done more."

"It was weird, Stevie. Cause I knew what I was doing at first. But then, it was more like I wasn't even here, kind of like that day I pulled on my stitches. So I didn't have to feel anything. I stopped thinking at all. And I guess it kind of took me away."

* * *

_"What's he talking about, Soda? Where are Mom and Dad?"  
_

_Soda reached for Pony's hand and held onto it. "They died, Pone. That's what Darry's trying to tell you."_

_ Pony looked between his two older brothers, who sat on either side of him. "How? And how do you know?"  
_

_Darry's mind went back to his brief, but devastating, conversation with the two officers, as he took Pony's other hand. "The police came and talked to me, Pony. They were in a car wreck. An eighteen wheeler-" He choked on the words, swallowing down emotion to take the path of staying strong for his little brothers. "I'm sorry. So sorry to have to tell you."  
_

_Pony pulled both hands from his brothers' grips, as he got to his feet. "No! They're not dead! Both of you stop lying to me right now! They're going to walk through that door any minute and-"_

_ Darry heard the pierce of a grief-stricken cry, as Pony's face crumbled. He watched his youngest brother bolt away from them, still frozen in place, even as he and Soda could hear the sound of sobs coming from Pony's bedroom._

_ Soda turned to Darry, recognizing his older brother's stoic image for what it was. He reached for him, the one to draw him close this time. "I love you, Darry."_

_ Darry held his tears back, as he hugged Soda. "I love you too. I love you and Pony so much. Even if I haven't said it in so long."_

_ "That's okay, Darry. Cause I know. Pony knows too." Soda pulled away from the embrace, then looked down the hall toward Pony's bedroom, seeing the closed door. I can't believe this is happening, he thought. It doesn't even feel real. He moved his gaze back to Darry, seeing the unshed tears of grief his big brother refused to let fall. It shouldn't be real._

* * *

"Hey, Dad. You just get home too?"

Nicholas heard Steve's voice, as he sat down, undoing the buttons on his work shirt. "Yeah, I did, Son. I was at Audrey's."

Steve set his backpack down beside the couch, before sitting down with his dad. "I was at Soda's."

"I figured you must be."

"Yeah. I had to talk to him about something. I just hope he listens to me."

"I went over and saw Samuel today. Vivian's at home now. It sounds like she's doing okay, as far as recovery and all."

"How is he?"

"I think he seemed better, but I-"

"Dad, why does your breath smell like alcohol?"

"Huh? Oh. I, um, I had a glass of wine with Audrey."

"Oh."

"I promise that was all, Son. Just some wine. Nothing else, and I barely even finished the glass."

"It's okay, Dad. That smell- I just didn't expect it. You haven't drank at all in over six months."

"I know. If it bothers you, I won't do even that anymore."

"Was it cause of something or...?"

"No. Audrey was just having a glass and offered some to me. That's all. I did start to say no at first. Maybe I should've stuck with that."

"I'm not upset with you, Dad. I'm really not. It does bother me. But that's mostly cause it seems like it's bothering you right now."

"Yeah. I guess it is. Because I shouldn't take any risks at all, not when I drank like I did before. I can't do that to you."

"Or to yourself. Does Audrey know about your drinking?"

"Yeah. I told her about it, but I didn't say much. She felt bad for even asking if I wanted a glass of wine, once I reminded her of that."

Steve studied Nicholas' expression, recognizing the familiar guilt and regret that was etched into his face. "Dad, I'd never tell you that you can't, you know, have glass of wine with your girl once in a while, but if it makes you feel this bad, maybe you shouldn't. Feeling guilty is one thing that makes you want to drink for real, and I never want to see you hurt yourself like that."

"I didn't even realize it would make me feel bad. But it does. Even more so when I knew you could smell any alcohol on my breath. I don't ever want Audrey to see that part of me either. You're right, Son. I shouldn't risk getting carried away. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No, you didn't hurt me. I'm fine, Dad. And it's your decision to make, but please just be careful."

* * *

_Soda wandered into his own bedroom, still hearing the sobs from behind Pony's closed door. He stared at the backpack in the middle of the floor, the one he hadn't touched all weekend. He sat down on the unmade bed, then picked up the bag, unzipping it to reveal the notebooks that had his name printed across their spiral bound covers._

_ Soda opened one of them, seeing a mess of numbers and symbols scrawled on the papers inside. His vision blurry with tears, he turned some pages and found an exam that had been shoved in the center of the notebook. He looked at the red markings that covered it, Mrs. Patterson's attempts at correction and guidance not making the math make sense to him. His eyes moved to the end of the failed exam, reading the note that had instructed him to study for a few days, then retake it after school at the end of the week._

_ Soda felt a tear slide down his face, before it dripped onto the test paper. I tried, he thought. I really did. He hurled the notebook at the wall, the action only making him cry even more. But it doesn't even matter. I was taking a damn math test when my parents left home. I'll never see them again, and I never got to say goodbye._

* * *

Soda stared at the card Steve had given him, his eyes reading the name of the doctor again and again. He can't make me, he thought. No one can make me see her. I don't have to keep my promise.

"Hey, Soda?"

At the sound of Pony's voice, Soda dropped the card into the drawer of his nightstand, then closed it. "Yeah, Pone?"

Pony moved to sit close to Soda, looking into the brown eyes of a brother he couldn't help but love with all his heart. "There are some things I want to tell you."

"Okay."

"I know that last night, I seemed like I was mad at you, but I never was. I couldn't be. I love you too much for that."

"I did feel like you were mad at me then, but I know I just scared you. I keep doing that to everyone lately."

"It's awful hard to see you sad, Sodapop. But it's not your fault. I told you Steve got on my case, and that was because what I said last night, well, it sounded like I was guilting you. I could tell that really pissed him off. But it wasn't what I was trying to do."

"What made you go to Steve anyway?"

"It's not the first time I have. We've kind of been talking. And I never thought I'd say this, but I think we're friends now."

"He always would've had your back, Pony. Even when you didn't get along so great."

"I know. But now, I can tell him stuff. I never did that before. I ran to his house last night cause I knew I could. Even though I scared him, I knew he'd listen to me."

"How'd you scare him?"

"By showing up yelling and crying. I looked like hell, and I told him you weren't okay."

"Oh."

"I had, um, already talked to Steve a couple of weeks ago and told him I was real worried about you. I asked him why he tried to kill himself, instead of going to you or his dad."

"And he talked to you about that kind of stuff?"

"Yeah. He did. And he told me you're doing what you need to cause you're not keeping everything inside like he did for a real long time. He didn't want me to worry about you hurting yourself. But, last night, after hearing you were feeling like that, I yelled at him for telling me you'd be all right."

"How'd he take that?"

"I don't think he cared about me yelling at him cause he was too worried about what was going on with you. We talked about it earlier today though, and he told me that you feeling like this still doesn't mean you will hurt yourself."

"No. It really doesn't."

Pony put his arm around his brother's waist and laid his head on his shoulder. "Soda, what can I do? Please tell me. I need you to be okay."

Soda put both arms around Pony, forming a tight embrace. "Just keep doing what you already are, Pone." I don't know what else you can do, he thought. "It really helps. So please don't worry." But I'm scared, little brother. I need me to be okay too.

* * *

_"What's going to happen to us, Soda?"_

_ Soda stared at Pony, seeing the tears that still streaked his little brother's face. "We'll be okay, Pony. I promise."_

_ Pony leaned into Soda, laying his head on his chest, as he clung to him._

_ Soda saw his bedroom door open, the eyes of his best friend peeking inside. He shared a look with him, the expression on Steve's face telling him he'd already heard._

_ Steve moved toward the pair of brothers, silent as he settled himself by Soda's side and put a hand on his shoulder._

_ Soda hugged Pony closer, more tears filling his eyes when he felt Steve squeeze his shoulder. "Don't worry, little brother. Me and Darry are going to take care of you."  
_

_Steve spoke then, hearing the emotion creeping its way into his own voice, as he saw both the tears in his best friend's eyes and those that fell down Pony's cheeks, while he stayed in his brother's arms. "Hey, Soda. I just wanted you to know I'm here, buddy. And I ain't leavin', but I'll be outside."_

_ Soda reached a hand out to Steve and gripped his arm for a moment. "Okay, Stevie." I know you're not leaving, he thought, as their eyes met once again. Cause you know I'm going to need you._

_ Steve stood up and let his hand rest on Pony's back. "It's going to be okay, Kid. I know you don't believe me right now, but it will."_

_ Soda watched Steve leave the room, before he gently pushed Pony off his chest, then pressed their foreheads together. "Darry says he's going to keep us here with him, Pone. Mom and Dad are gone, but we've got each other. We're brothers, and we're sticking together."_

* * *

"At least have some toast, little buddy. Your stomach needs something to get you through the morning."

Soda looked at the plate Darry had set down in front of him, seeing the buttered toast and scrambled eggs. "Yeah. I know." He took a bite of the toast, the taste stirring his appetite, as he chewed and swallowed. "I'm even a little hungry."

Darry pressed the back of his hand to Soda's forehead and cheeks, just as he had the night before.

"I don't have a fever, Dar." Believe me, Soda thought. That'd be a whole lot simpler.

Feeling the coolness of his brother's skin, Darry let his hand drop away. "I can't help but check. I haven't seen you like this before."

Soda kept eating the slice of toast, his mouth full when he spoke again. "Yeah. But I think my stomach's settling down a lot. Can you hand me that jelly right there?"

Darry slid the jar over to Soda, as he sat down to eat his own breakfast.

Pony joined his brothers at the table, seeing Soda covering his eggs in grape jelly. "Your stomach must be feeling better."

Soda pushed his fork into the eggs, ignoring the bit of nausea that rolled through his stomach when the sweet taste of jelly touched his tongue. "It's getting there, Pone." It really is too, he thought. But I've got such a long way to go with no path that I can see.

* * *

_"Hey, Stevie, do you know where Darry went?"_

_ Steve looked at Soda, easily noticing how red his eyes were and the shake in his body, as he joined him on the back porch steps. "He went to take care of some stuff, man."_

_ Soda felt himself shiver, though he was certain it wasn't only from the chilly winter air that touched his skin. "I still don't know what to do. I've never done this before."_

_ Steve reached for Soda's shoulder and gripped it tightly. "Buddy, what is going to happen to you and Pony? Tell me the truth."_

_ "Darry is going to keep us here with him."_

_ Steve's grip on Soda's shoulder loosened. "Can he do that?"_

_ "He's nineteen. So I guess so. I can't see why not."_

_ "Sodapop, I'm so damn sorry. I really am, buddy. I loved them too. Anything you guys need, just say the word."  
_

_"I miss them already, Stevie. They were supposed to come home today. They weren't supposed to die. I wanted to hold it together for Pony in there, but I can't- I can't hold it together anymore now."_

_ "You don't gotta be tough for me, buddy. So don't try. You just lost your parents. I know I've still got my dad, but I lost my mom. So I know how bad it hurts."_

_ "Steve, I was stuck at school retaking that damn math test when they left to go to Aunt Susan's. I probably failed it again anyway, and I didn't even get to see them one last time. It ain't fair."_

_ "Come here, man." Steve drew Soda close, holding him as he shook with sobs. "It ain't fair at all, buddy. I know it's not."_

_ "It does hurt so bad, Stevie. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt."_

_ Steve drew in a heavy breath, letting it out, as a tear dripped down his face and landed on Soda's shoulder. "You've got me, okay? I know you're going to be trying to hold your brothers together, but you've got me."_

_ "I keep thinking this is some bad dream." Soda gripped the back of the coat Steve wore, as he squeezed his eyes closed. "It has to be. But no matter how hard I try, I can't wake up."_

* * *

Soda picked at the saran wrap that covered his sandwich, as he sat down on the couch in the break room. He heard a light knock on the wide-open door and looked up to see Steve. "Oh. Hey."

Steve stepped into the room, going over to the drink machine beside the couch, as he looked at Soda. "Hey, man. I take it that ain't bologna."

"Nah. Just ham."

Steve pushed two coins into the machine's slot, then picked up the pair of cans it dispensed, handing one of the drinks to Soda. "How are you feeling?"

Soda popped the drink open, as Steve did the same, then sat down beside him. "I don't know."

"Did you tell Darry about Dr. Morgan?"

Soda set his drink down, avoiding Steve's gaze, as he went back to picking at the saran wrap. "No. I didn't."

"So you're going to call yourself then?"

Soda only shook his head, not speaking a word.

"Soda, you promised me."

"So what? I still don't have to."

"Soda-"

"No! I don't want to do it, Steve! Stop trying to tell me I have to. I don't have to do anything."

Steve saw the shake in Soda's hands that were beginning to unwrap the sandwich. "You do need to do something, and you damn well know it."

Soda finished pulling the plastic off the sandwich, then took a bite of it. "I am doing something. I'm eating, ain't I? That's something. I feel like hell, but I'm eating anyway."

Steve set his own drink down, then stood up and closed the door. "Why are you acting like you're pissed at me?"

"I ain't acting like anything."

"The hell you're not." Steve sat back down on the couch, scooting closer to Soda this time. "I'm not going to sit back and watch you suffer when there's help you can get. Quit being a pain in the ass and just be honest with me."

"I should've just done it. I never should've told you anything."

"You should've just done what?"

"If you don't want to watch me suffer, then just leave me the hell alone. Let whatever's going to happen happen."

"I'm not going to leave you alone, Sodapop. You know I won't."

"You should. Cause, like I said, I ain't me anymore."

"But you are still you, buddy. No matter how you feel, that doesn't change. You're always going to be Sodapop."

Soda looked down at the sandwich in his lap, the crumbled up saran wrap partially surrounding it. "I'm sorry, Stevie."

"Soda, did you promise you'd call her just to get me off your back about it."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Cause I don't want to do it."

"Why are you fighting so hard about this?"

"I told you I'm scared."

"Yeah. You did. I just think there's more to it than what you said. You can tell me anything, man. What else is bugging you about this?"

"I just can't imagine feeling better. What if I go, and there's nothing she can do for me?"

"Oh, buddy. That won't happen. Please trust me."

"What if there's something so wrong inside that even a doctor won't know how to make it better? Or even understand it? Cause I'm in my own head, and I sure as hell don't get it."

"I think you've got a bunch of different things going on, man. Probably like what Samuel said. You really have been through a lot."

"I know she'd want me to go back to all of it too. Not even just the shooting. Back to everything. And I don't want to. It'll hurt too damn much."

"But that's gotta be what you need. It'll be okay, buddy. I swear it will. She'll know how to help. She'll understand. And yeah, it'll hurt to talk about stuff, but you'll get through it."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I just am, man. I've never been so sure of anything in my life."

"I wish I could be like that."

Steve reached for Soda's wrist and held it in a gentle grip, their gazes locking. "I'll always be glad you told me. Always. You got that?"

"Yeah."

"And it doesn't matter if you are a pain in the ass to me or if you do get pissed, I won't walk away. Even if you don't see it yet, I know what's making you try to lash out. I get those feelings, buddy. I know it's more than being scared too. So go ahead and fight if you need to cause you still won't ever be alone."

* * *

_A scream cut through the night, its edge piercing the darkness that blanketed the Curtis house._

_ Soda sat straight up in bed, heart pounding, as his feet carried him through his bedroom door and into the hallway, where he came face to face with a wide-awake Darry. "What the hell was that?"_

_ Before Darry could answer, another scream sounded, both brothers realizing it came from behind Pony's closed door._

_ Soda rushed into his little brother's room, seeing Pony sitting up in bed, tangled in the covers, his body tense, as he let out quiet whimpers._

_ Darry followed behind Soda, turning on Pony's bedside lamp, the light letting him see his youngest brother's closed eyes and the sweat decorating his face._

_ Soda drew close to Pony and gently shook his shoulder. "Hey, Pony. You're just dreaming, baby brother. Please wake up."_

_ Pony curled in on himself then, drawing his knees into his chest, the whimpers turning into cries._

_ Darry sat down at the foot of the bed, glancing at Soda, as he spoke. "Yeah, Pony. Wake up. You're okay. Me and Soda are right here."_

_ Soda guided Pony back down onto the bed and lie right beside him, one arm holding him close from behind. "Shh. Just sleep, Pony. I'm here, and I won't leave you."_

_ Darry saw Pony begin to calm down and switched the lamp back off, letting darkness return to bathe the room. He straightened out the sheet and blanket on the bed, covering both of his brothers. "Looks like you helped him a lot there, little buddy."_

_ Soda rested his chin atop Pony's head, hearing his little brother's steady breathing. "Yeah. I guess I did."_

* * *

"You look like you're keeping food down a lot better than you were yesterday."

Soda finished off his sandwich and popped another potato chip into his mouth, before replying to Steve. "Yeah. I am. I'm still a little nauseous, but nothing like before."

Steve drank down the rest of his Pepsi and tossed the can toward the trash, rolling his eyes when it missed.

Soda chuckled, as the can landed on the floor. "Your aim's a little off there, buddy."

"Yeah, I should've thrown it at your head, huh?"

"Hey, who knows? Maybe it'd straighten something out in there."

Steve smiled at Soda, as he got up and threw the can in the trash. Man, he thought. You have no idea how good it is to hear you laugh.

* * *

_"Hey, Dar, what are you doing in here?"  
_

_Darry lifted his eyes up from the kitchen table to look at Soda. "I could ask you the same thing, little buddy."_

_ Soda took a seat in the chair across from Darry, rubbing his tired eyes, as he rested his elbows on the table. "I know I told Pony I wouldn't leave him, but I couldn't sleep."  
_

_"I think he'll be all right. He looked like he was out."_

_ "How are we going to be okay, Darry?"  
_

_"I'm not sure. That's one reason I'm awake. I've got a lot to figure out."_

_ "Are you going to quit school?"  
_

_"Yeah. I have to. Cause I need at least one full-time job."_

_ Soda's eyes wandered around the kitchen, before his gaze landed on the front door, picturing it opening. He heard the sounds of his parents' voices, as he stared, captivated by the near-vision that comforted him with the presence of his mom and dad._

_ "Soda?"_

_ Soda watched the vision evaporate, taking the voices with it, as grief snapped him back into the reality of loss. "How can they be gone, Darry? I don't think I even believe it yet."_

_ "You're in shock, little buddy. I am too."  
_

_"When will I stop being in shock?"  
_

_"I don't know. Probably soon. It's just too fresh right now."_

_ "Are you sure me and Pony ain't going to get taken away? I don't want to lose you too."_

_ "Don't worry. I'll do anything I have to do to keep you guys." Darry got to his feet and went over to Soda, the middle brother's teary eyes looking up at him, as he ruffled his messy hair and squeezed his shoulder. "You're not going to lose me."_

* * *

"Can you please shut up, TwoBit? I'm getting a headache."

TwoBit cocked an eyebrow at Steve. "Well, I guess so, since you said 'please.'"

Steve pressed his fingers to his head, massaging his temples. "Good. I ain't saying I have it cause of you, by the way."

"Hell, it's all right if you do say that. I give my own self a headache sometimes."

Steve grinned, despite the pain beginning to pulsate in his head. "That's not shockin' at all, man."

"You're using your brain too damn much. That's what's wrong."

"I'm thinking too much, huh?"

"Yeah. Sure are. I've seen the grades you've got now. You gotta give your brain a rest there, Steve-O."

I really am thinking too much, Steve thought. "Oh yeah? Is that what you do?" That's true.

"Damn right. I love to let my mind rest."

I wish I could do that, Steve thought. But this is a different kind of pain. It's one from the past.


	30. Chapter 30

The past roared to life, revealing its trail of brokenness.

* * *

The warm towel lay over Darry's back and shoulders, its heat soaking into aching muscles. He felt a pain wedge itself through the left side of his upper back, despite the relief coursing along his body. "Damn, that hurts. I really pulled it this time."

Soda knocked on Darry's bedroom door, then let himself inside, handing his brother two pills and a glass of water. "Here, Dar. Take these."

Darry swallowed the pills, washing them down with the water, before he handed the glass back to Soda. "Thanks, little buddy. I'm sore as hell."

Soda put the glass on Darry's dresser, then sat down on the bed beside him. "Can I ask you something, Darry?"

"Not sure how good of an answer you'll get right now, but go ahead."

"Do you ever regret taking us?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Me and Pony. Do you ever regret taking custody of us after Mom and Dad died?"

"No, Sodapop. Absolutely not."

"You can tell me if you do, Dar. You can be honest with me."

"Where the hell is this coming from, little buddy?"

"I don't know. It's just something I thought about."

"Well, stop thinking about it cause I don't regret keeping you two with me." Darry winced, as another pain jolted his pulled muscle. "Damn, Pepsi Cola, I wouldn't have made it through losing Mom and Dad without you. You know that, right?"

"I don't know. I guess maybe I didn't know that."

"Now you do. You got me through it. I don't regret my decision to raise you and Pony. And I am being honest with you. It's the truth."

* * *

"Hey, Kid. What are you doing here?"

Pony stepped inside the DX, his eyes looking all around the station, before they landed on Steve. "It feels kind of weird to come in here now."

Steve stood behind the counter, rubbing his head that continued to ache. "Tell me about it. If you ask me though, I think Soda does pretty good here considering."

Pony made his way over to the counter, ignoring the pictures his imagination conjured up. "I talked to him last night without losing my shit. I don't even know why I'm telling you that, but I am."

"Cause, apparently, you like telling me stuff now."

"Yeah. I guess so. I just wanted to make sure Soda knows I'm not mad at him. That I never was either. I hate that I could ever make him feel bad cause he's always there for me."

"Stop beating yourself up about it, Pony. It ain't like Soda's going to hold it against you."

"I know. I'm still so worried though, Steve. Cause when we were talking, he didn't seem like he felt better. And I felt, I don't know, like he wasn't really telling me what he was thinking."

"Soda ain't good at hiding anything, Kid. And there are just some things he doesn't want you to see."

"When I asked him what I could do to help, I think he just told me what he knew I'd want to hear. He wasn't being real with me."

"Even if he doesn't tell you everything, you can still be there for him, you know. It's Soda. He's just looking out for you."

"Does he tell you everything?"

"Not always, Kid. And when he doesn't, I just make sure he knows he can."

"I told Soda I think me and you are friends now."

Steve raised his eyebrows, a smile trying to form on his face. "I thought I told you not to tell anybody that."

"But it's Soda. Ain't that different?"

"Yeah. I guess so, Kid. Don't tell anybody I'm admitting you've got a point."

Pony leaned on the counter, grinning back at Steve, as he heard the bell signal a customer's arrival. "Nobody except Soda?"

"Sure, Kid. Nobody except Soda."

* * *

_"Thanks, Aunt Susan. But, no, we all need to be together right now. It's what's best for us."_

_ Soda listened to Darry's end of the phone conversation, watching his big brother's exhausted expression rivaling with his confident words._

_ Darry gripped the phone receiver, as he listened to the rest of what his dad's sister had to say. "I know. I know you are. But it isn't just me I'm thinking about. It's all of us. I am doing what's best for my brothers too, and I know them better than anyone."_

_ Soda dropped down onto the couch, meeting Darry's gaze._

_ Darry looked back at his middle brother, as he finished up the conversation. "We'll see you on Wednesday at the funeral, okay? Yeah. Love you too."_

_ Soda saw Darry hang up the phone, before he spoke. "What was she asking you, Dar?"  
_

_"She was asking if you and Pony could come stay with her. She even said she'd take ya'll for a while so I could-"  
_

_Pony appeared from his bedroom, his loud voice interrupting Darry's words. "So you could what? Are you just going to send us away now?"_

_ Darry shook his head. "No. Of course not, Pony. I'm just saying Aunt Susan offered to take ya'll til I finish classes for this year. That's it. I said no."_

_ Pony moved closer to Darry, looking up at him. "So you don't want us to leave and go stay with her or someone else? You really want to keep both of us?"  
_

_Darry put his hands on each of Pony's shoulders. "Yes. I promise I do. You're not going anywhere."_

_ Soda watched his two brothers, seeing green eyes meet blue ones. "Yeah, Pony. Of course he wants us here with him. It's Darry. You know he ain't just going to stand back and let us go. We need each other."_

_ Pony lifted both hands to grip each of Darry's arms, as he stared at his big brother's face. "You're sure? I know how much you want to be in college. You were doing great too."_

_ Darry held Pony's gaze, not letting the tears form at the small sound of his little brother's young voice. "Yes. I'm sure. You and Soda are more important to me than college. You're more important to me than anything. I wouldn't give you two up for the world."_

* * *

Soda opened his nightstand drawer and took out the card that had Dr. Morgan's name and number on it. "I still don't know about this." He stared at the printed letters for a moment, before making his way back to Darry's room. He opened the door to see his big brother resting against the pillows on the bed, his eyes closed. "Hey, Dar?"

Darry spoke, though his eyes didn't open. "Yeah?"

"Um, there's something I want to talk to you about, and I have to do it before I change my mind. Cause I just ain't sure and-"

Darry opened his eyes then to look at Soda, who still stood in the doorway. "Slow down, little buddy. What is it?"

"Is your back feeling any better?"

"It's getting there. The heat helped, and so is resting right here. What do you want to talk to me about?"

Soda moved over to the bed, sitting down on the edge of it, as he fidgeted with the card in his hands. "Uh, when Steve saw Laura yesterday, he kind of told her about me and stuff. She gave him this name and number."

"Is that what you're holding right there?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Who is it? Another counselor?"

"Yeah. Actually, a doctor."

"A psychiatrist?"

"Yeah. And Steve, well, he's really been on my back about it. I promised him I'd call, then decided not to. But I keep thinking he's right. At the same time, I just really don't want to go."

"Are you worried cause of what happened with the other lady?"

"I guess. But Laura is friends with this one, so I don't really need to worry about anything like that. I'm just scared of dealing with stuff cause I've got a lot that hurts, and I kind of feel like maybe she won't be able to fix any of it at all."

"Well, from what I do know about Laura, I don't think she'd tell Steve about anyone who isn't capable, little buddy."

"Yeah. Steve trusts her a lot. But it's not that. It's just me."

Darry lifted himself off the pillows to reach for the card, reading the name on it. "Do you want me to call for you?"

"No, Dar. I was just telling you about it. I don't- I don't want to. I can't."

"I think you should, Sodapop. After the last few days, I think it's what you need."

Soda shook his head, as he took the card back from Darry. "No. Never mind. I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget about it."

"Forget about it? What else did you think I'd say? You had to know what I'd tell you about this."

"I don't know. I didn't think anything, I guess. But I can't. I can't do it."

"Why? Why can't you do it?"

"I just can't, Darry."

"It's okay to ask for help, little buddy. I hope you know that."

"But how can anyone help me when-?"

"When what?"

"Nothing. Never mind."

Darry saw Soda start to get up and moved quickly, despite the soreness in his back. He grabbed his brother's upper arm, the strong grip one that wouldn't be easily broken. "No. You don't get to do that. You started this conversation. You didn't have to come in here and tell me what's on your mind right now. But you did. So stay put, Sodapop, and finish what you're thinking."

Soda attempted to pull away from Darry. "Let me go, Dar. I don't want to talk anymore. It's too much. Just let go!"

Darry responded by grabbing Soda's other arm and putting his own face within inches of his brother's. "Hell, no, little buddy. I'm not letting you go. You're not going to go back to keeping shit to yourself."

"It's my choice what I tell you, Darry. You can't make me say anything."

"You don't think so, huh? I happen to know otherwise."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I know what's going on in your heart and in your head already. I know you, Sodapop. You could be good at hiding, and I'd still have you all figured out."

"You don't know everything. Back the fuck off, Darry."

"You wouldn't be fighting me so hard or getting angry if there was nothing for me to see right now. You don't want to accept that you need some help. You don't want to admit it."

Soda swallowed hard, meeting Darry's gaze that bore into his own, tears not far from the surface. "Cause I don't need to admit anything."

"What you've been going through and all the feelings you've got are a very big deal, Sodapop. It's a huge deal that your best friend came to me just days ago cause you were talking like you were going to kill yourself. It's a huge deal that you're feeling guilty all the time and so bad about yourself that it's making you physically sick to your stomach." Darry paused for a moment, seeing how Soda hung his head, his expression no longer one of feigned determination. He moved one hand to place it under his brother's chin, tilting it up. "Little buddy, I'm not mad at you or anything like that. But I'm not going to let this keep going on. I've never seen as much pain in you as I do right now. You've told me how bad you're hurting, and that can't get better if you try to say it's not there."

"I ain't worth a doctor like that's time, Darry."

"That's not true, Soda. It's not true at all."

Soda touched Darry's hand that was still underneath his chin, only to push it away.

Darry's grip on Soda's arm loosened, as his little brother turned his back to him. "Soda, you're worth every second anyone spends with you. Don't let what's hurting you tell you any different. I know you know how loved you are too."

Soda felt Darry's hand come to rest on his back, part of him longing to turn around and fall into his brother's arms. "How? How do you know that?"

"Because you came to me. Because you've been opening up a lot. Even if part of you still fights it sometimes. You wouldn't be talking to me or to Steve so much, if you didn't know that."

Soda crossed his arms over his chest, as he felt Darry's hand stroke the back of his head. "It's so bad, Darry. I hate admitting that. Cause I don't want it to be this bad."

"I know, little buddy."

"Will you do it? Will you call for me?"

"Yes. Of course I will."

"Please do it soon, Dar. Cause I know I'll change my mind if you don't."

"I will. I'll call tomorrow." Darry felt a twinge of pain in his back, then moved to rest against the pillows.

No longer feeling his brother's touch, Soda turned to look at him. "Are you okay?"

"I will be."

Soda stared at Darry for a moment, then glanced at the door. "I know I should leave you alone and let you rest."

"I'm resting just fine with you here, little buddy."

Soda crawled from the edge of the bed to Darry's side. He slipped one arm around him, as he laid his head on his brother's chest. "I know I'm actin' like a little kid or something. And I ain't one, but I don't know, I just need this."

Darry rubbed circles on Soda's back. "You'll always be my little brother, so it's okay. Whatever you need, that's what I'm here for, so you can stay right where you are."

* * *

Damn it, Steve told himself. Just stop it. This is nothing like that.

He closed the driver's side door of the Ford, before starting the car and beginning to pull away from the DX. That's not what Soda was doing at all, he thought. It's nowhere near the same.

Steve drove into the evening traffic, the ache pulsating in his head. But could Soda do that? he wondered. Is there a chance he could go too far?

That's fuckin' crazy, Steve thought, as he sped up and shifted gears. Soda was just trying to cope. I'm overreacting.

He came to a traffic light, its color flashing from yellow to red, just as he passed through the intersection. But am I? Steve asked himself. He was still bleeding. And maybe there was a time she was looking for a way to cope too. I'll never even know what she was thinking.

Steve took the next turn that led in the direction of the Curtis' house. I have to stop, he told himself. This is Soda. And it has nothing to do with her.

* * *

_"It's going to be weird to see them like that, Stevie. You're coming tomorrow, right?"_

_ Steve looked over at Soda, his eyes narrowing at the question. "Of course I'm coming. Why the hell would you even ask me that, Sodapop?"_

_ Soda shrugged, as he glanced at Darry, who was at the kitchen table with papers spread out in front of him. "I don't know. I guess I was just askin'. Sorry."_

_ "I loved them too, man. And you're my best buddy. So there's no way I'd miss it."_

_ Soda nodded, as he looked around the living room where they sat, his mind again alive with thoughts of his parents."Darry told me I'm in shock."_

_ "Well, you probably are. Who wouldn't be?"_

_ "Sometimes, I think I hear them or even see them. It's like none of this is really happening."_

_ "I can understand that, buddy. Honestly, it doesn't feel real to me yet either."_

_ "I'm not ready for it to feel real, Stevie." Soda's thoughts drifted to the approaching funeral, tears filling his eyes, as he pictured the sight he knew would make the loss real beyond any existing doubts. "I ain't ready for that at all."_

* * *

"Hey, is your head hurting or something?"

Steve felt Soda's hand rest on his shoulder, as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Yeah. It's been hurting for hours, but it's gotten worse since I left work."

Soda saw Steve press his hands to his forehead, not expecting the tear that snuck out of his closed eyes. "I'm going to go in and grab you some aspirin, okay?"

"Okay."

Soda squeezed Steve's shoulder, before getting to his feet and going into the house.

Steve stayed in his spot on the back porch steps. Don't cry, he told himself. You don't want to explain this to Soda. You don't want him to see that connection.

Soda returned with two pills and a glass of water, handing both to Steve. "Here, buddy. I guess I'm the guy for giving out pain medicine tonight. Did the same thing for Darry earlier cause he pulled a muscle at work."

Steve swallowed the aspirin, as he tried to will back the tears that remained in his now-open eyes.

"Does it hurt that bad?"

Steve hid his face behind his hands, as he attempted to avoid Soda's concerned question.

Stevie?"

"No. It doesn't hurt that bad. I just- I've been thinking about something else too."

"Oh."

Steve wiped away a tear that had fallen, breathing in deeply to stop the rest from escaping. "It's just something that hasn't bothered me in a while. Not for the last few months anyway."

"Okay." Soda put his hand back on Steve's shoulder, eyes watching his best friend. "I know I ain't exactly been all right lately, but you can still talk to me."

"I know." Steve took one more deep breath, feeling the tears start to recede for now, as he looked at Soda. "Hey, you are going to call Dr. Morgan, right?"

"Yeah. I asked Darry to do it for me earlier."

"Good. You need it, man. I really believe that."

"I already feel like changing my mind. So I told him to do it soon."

"It'll be okay, buddy. And, like I said, I'll go with you if I can."

"Are we talking about me again cause you don't want to talk about you?"

"Maybe. But I'm okay, Soda. Really."

"You never let me tell you that anymore."

"Yeah. I guess that's true."

"And you still look like you're about to cry."

"I guess I ain't good at hiding stuff anymore either, huh? It's hard to believe I ever did that for so long."

"What's bothering you, man? If it's been a few months, I think I already got an idea anyway."

"I was kind of thinking about- About Clara's death again."

"You're not feeling guilty about it, are you? I remember you having headaches when you were dealing with that before."

"No. Nothing like that." I can say this much to him, Steve told himself. I can still be honest. "It's just the picture in my head, it gets to me. Almost like it's real or something."

"I'm sorry, buddy. I wish it wasn't like that for you. Did anything happen to make you think about it again?"

Steve shook his head, as he reached for Soda's shoulder, his eyes involuntarily drifting to the faint scratches on his left arm. "It's just-" Be careful, Steve thought. Don't go too far. "It ain't even a real memory, but it sure as hell gets to feeling like one sometimes."

* * *

"You don't have to, Samuel."

Samuel looked up at Vivian, as he folded a receiving blanket and tucked it into a plastic bin, along with some rattles, pacifiers, and newborn-sized clothes his wife had purchased so recently. "I don't have to what?"

Vivan looked over at the wooden chest that held many of Matthew's books and toys, before shifting her gaze to the bin filling with the things that would've belonged to the unborn baby they'd lost. "You don't have to help me put this stuff away."

"I want to, honey. You don't need to go through any of this alone."

"But you didn't even help me get ready for the baby. It's the last thing you were thinking about."

"Because it was so early, Vivian. Not because I would've never helped you."

"No. It was because you were so scared, and that fear was all you had on your mind."

"Yes. I was scared, honey. I'm the one who told you that. But that didn't mean-"

"You're not scared anymore, are you? Because there's no baby. We're not going to have a child for you to fear losing."

Samuel's eyes drifted down to his arms, still able to imagine them cradling a little baby, only for the image to vanish into nothingness. "No. I guess we're not. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry I felt that way."

"Are you relieved, Samuel? Does this feel better to you?"

Samuel looked back up at Vivian, his eyes meeting hers. "No! Of course it doesn't feel better to me. Why would you say that?"

"Because I know how scared you were. How worried. And now, that's over. There is no baby, so there's nothing for you to fear."

"But I wish that weren't true, Vivian. Do you think I'm happy you had a miscarriage? I was telling you the truth when I said I wanted the baby too."

"You didn't always sound like it."

"But I still did, and I know it's too soon to talk about this, but we can try again. We can still have another child one day, honey."

"I can't even think about that right now, Samuel."

Samuel reached for Vivian's hand, and squeezed it, as he brushed his fingers along her cheek. "I know. And that's okay. You don't have to think about it now. But whenever you do want to, just tell me, and I'll be ready when you are."

* * *

_"Hey there, Johnny. Don't just stand out in the cold. Get in here."_

_ Johnny followed Soda inside, shivering underneath his jean jacket. "Hey, man. I just- I didn't want to bother ya'll"_

_ Soda wrapped his arm around Johnny's shoulders. "You're never a bother, Johnnycakes. You're always welcome here."_

_ "It's just, with your parents and all..."  
_

_"You're still welcome here whenever you need."_

_ "It doesn't make sense, Sodapop."_

_ "What doesn't?"  
_

_"Your parents, man. My dad just slapped me across the face cause I got in his way or something. Then, I could hear my mom screaming at me all the way down the damn street."_

_ Soda studied Johnny's face, searching for any marks left behind on his tan skin. "I'm sorry, Johnny Kid. Just stay here tonight."_

_ "This is all my parents do, man. They don't even care about me at all. But your mom and dad, they sure loved ya'll."_

_ "They loved you too. They loved the whole gang."_

_ "Yeah. It doesn't make sense that my parents get to still be here when yours don't."_

_ "I know, Johnnycakes."_

_ Johnny felt Soda give his shoulders a squeeze, then turned to look at his friend's face, seeing the tears that glistened in his eyes. "Sorry, Sodapop. I shouldn't be talking about it. I should be glad to have parents, even if they don't give a hang about me."_

_ "No, Johnny. You feel however you feel, and I don't blame you a bit."_

_ "I don't think I even told ya'll yet how sorry I am. Is there something I can do, man? Anything?"_

_ "Yeah. There is. We want you around, Johnnycakes. So, like I just said, you can stay right here tonight."_

* * *

"Dad? Come in here, please."

Nicholas stepped into Steve's room, where his son sat on the bed, knees drawn to his chest. "Something wrong, Son?"

Steve didn't reply at first, only reaching for Nicholas one he was at his side. He gripped his dad's t-shirt, holding onto him, as he laid his head on his shoulder.

Nicholas put his arm around Steve, as he kissed the top of his head. "Everything okay?"

"I've been thinking about stuff, and I had kind of a bad headache earlier. It wouldn't go away at all til after I took some aspirin. Still hurts a little bit right now."

"What stuff were you thinking about?"

"Clara and- and how she died."

"Is there a reason that's on your mind?"

"Yeah. But I don't want to talk about it. Okay, Dad? I swear nothing happened. Not with me anyway."

"Okay, Son. You don't have to. Not as long as you're all right."

"It's just something I think I shouldn't tell. At least not yet."

"Is it something to do with Sodapop?"

"Yeah. It is."

"Is he okay?"

"I'm not sure."

"Steve, if anything happened that would remind you of Clara's death, that makes me think it's something dangerous."

Steve lifted his head from Nicholas' shoulder to look at him. "No, Dad. It wasn't. If it were, you know I wouldn't keep it to myself. Cause I could never let Soda be in any danger."

"Okay, Son. I do know that."

"I want him to be safe, Dad. I need him to be safe. And this shouldn't even remind me of her, but it just does. I didn't tell him that though."

"I can see why you wouldn't want to. But I'm glad you're telling me about it, even if you can't tell me everything."

"Laura told me yesterday about this doctor she's been friends with for a long time, and she gave me her number to give to Soda."

"Did you tell him about it?"

"Yeah. As soon as I could. Cause he needs help, Dad. He does. Even if he's not ready to believe it yet."

* * *

"Don't do it, Darry. Don't call that number. Please don't."

Darry's eyes widened at the pleading tone of Soda's words, as he joined his brother on the porch swing. "Sodapop, it's just an appointment, little buddy. It's okay."

Soda's gaze shifted from Darry to the night sky, as he burst into tears. "No. Please don't. Please. I'll do anything."

Darry took Soda's hand in his own, as he saw the tears roll down his brother's cheeks. "It's going to be all right, Pepsi Cola."

"No, Darry. It's not all right. Nothing is all right. But I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better. Just don't call her."

Darry drew Soda into his arms. "Shh. You're okay, little buddy. There's nothing to be sorry for."

Soda felt his chest heave, as he sobbed, his breaths coming faster. "No. Not- not okay. Never okay."

Darry rocked back and forth, as he held his brother. "Just try to relax and breathe. I've got you. I love you so much, Pepsi Cola."

Soda rested his head on Darry's shoulder, taking a deep breath and holding it, before letting it out slowly. "But why, Darry? Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you love me?"

Darry felt a stillness come over him, both the teary sound of Soda's voice and the question itself rendering him silent at first, as he listened to his brother's cries. "Sodapop, how could I not love you? You're my baby brother. I can't even remember not having you in my life, little buddy. You've always been right here beside me, and I'd be lost without you."

"But I'm a mess, Darry. And I don't want you to stop loving me. What if you do?"

Darry's gaze found its way to the sky, searching the stars for any sort of guidance, as he was torn between pulling away to stare into Soda's eyes and holding his brother even tighter. "I won't, Soda. I won't. I'm not sure where all these feelings are coming from, but there's nothing in this world that could make me stop loving you. No matter what you think, what you do, or how you feel, that doesn't change. It can't change."

Soda was still leaning on Darry, cradled in the embrace, when he felt himself being pushed away. Gentle hands then held his face, making him look right at his big brother.

Darry's blue eyes met Soda's brown ones, as he tried to keep the shake out of his voice. "Do you hear me, Sodapop?"

Soda nodded, as he clutched Darry's hand that was on his cheek. "Yeah. I hear you."

"I love you, little buddy, and nothing can change that." Darry held Soda's gaze, his own eyes watering. "It's not even possible."


	31. Chapter 31

Prayers traveled up to the night sky, as comfort soothed the most desperate of hearts, making certain that truthful reassurances would prevail.

* * *

_"Darry, I don't like being in here. It's not right."_

_ Darry opened his parents' bedroom closet, as Soda hovered in the doorway. "You don't have to come in, little buddy. I've got it."_

_ Soda took one step forward, eyes on his mom and dad's bed that was still made. He then fixed his gaze on Darry and went to stand beside him, looking in the open closet._

_ Darry turned to Soda, holding a dark blue tie that had belonged to their dad. He touched his brother's shoulder, seeing the dazed expression on his face. "Sodapop?"  
_

_Soda stared at his mom's bright yellow dress, almost drawn to reach out and touch it._

_ Darry leaned so he was in Soda's line of vision. "Come on, and let's go finish getting ready."_

_ Soda blinked, before his eyes focused on the tie Darry had chosen for him. He reached for it, the silky material brushing against his fingers. "Yeah. Let's get out of here."_

* * *

"What the hell is going on with him, Darry?"

Darry sighed heavily, as Pony followed him back outside, his youngest brother's question one that haunted him. "I think you said it best yourself already, Pone. He's depressed."

Pony sat down on the porch swing, as Darry stood against the railing. "But why? It's like he got shot and something else happened too. I was looking out the window when ya'll were out here, and I couldn't hear anything but Soda crying."

"Maybe he doesn't even need a reason, but I'm guessing there's more than one."

"When he came inside, I didn't even ask what was wrong cause I knew he wouldn't tell me much, if he told me anything at all."

"I'm glad he's talking to me. I can say that much. But the stuff he was saying, I sure never would've expected to hear."

"Darry, is Soda- is he still talking about dying?"

"No, Pony. It wasn't anything like that. I think he just really needed me to remind him that no matter how he feels or what hurts, some things can never change."

* * *

A number was dialed, words exchanged, and an open time slot filled, even as his middle brother's pleas still echoed in Darry's ears. You have to do this, little buddy, he thought. It's the only way I know to help you.

* * *

_Are all these people going to want to talk to us?"_

_ Darry slipped an arm around Pony's shoulders, as they stood by the door to the small chapel. "Most of them, Pone. But it's okay. All you've gotta do is be polite."_

_ Soda stood on Pony's other side, his eyes barely seeing the gathered friends and relatives, as he looked at the two open caskets at the front. "Do we have to go up there, Dar?"_

_ Darry followed Soda's gaze, the caskets and what they held already a familiar sight for him. "No. But I think you're going to want to soon, little buddy. You'll want to see them."_

_ Pony looked around at the people there for the impending service and burial, many he knew and some he'd never seen before. "So what now? Can we sit down?"_

_ Darry kept an arm around each of his brothers, as he started to lead them to the front of the chapel. "We can. That first row is for us."_

_ Soda stared at the caskets that were now mere feet in front of them, as he sat down on the wooden pew. Looking around, he saw Steve and TwoBit standing with Mr. Randle and Mrs. Matthews._

_ Steve made his way over to the three brothers, with TwoBit beside him. He eyed the empty seat right behind his best friend._

_ Darry nodded at Steve, seeing the question on his face. "Sit there, Steve. You and TwoBit both. Johnny too. And Dal, if he's coming."_

_ Steve silently settled behind Soda, as TwoBit moved around him to sit behind Darry._

_ Soda turned his head to look at Steve, then at TwoBit. "Did you guys- did you go up there and see them?"_

_ TwoBit replied first, as he put his hand on Pony's shoulder. "Yeah. We did."_

_ Soda looked at both caskets again, before turning to Darry. "I want to now, Dar, but not by myself. Can you please come?"_

_ Darry nodded and squeezed Soda's shoulder, as he looked at Pony. "You want to come with us, Pone? It might help you to see them."_

_ Pony hesitated, before he answered, but shared a look with Soda that made up his mind. "Okay."_

_ Steve sat back against the pew, arms crossed over his chest, as he saw the Curtis brothers make their way toward the bodies of their parents. "I can't believe any of this, man."_

_ TwoBit nodded in agreement, his eyes welling with the tears that he'd become reacquainted with in the last few days. "I can't either."_

_ Steve held back the tears he wanted to cry, as he shared a look with his dad, then saw Soda lean close to his mother's body. "Damn. I can't just sit here and watch."_

_ Soda could hear Darry whispering to Pony, as he touched his mother's cold hand. He stared at her face with the permanently closed eyes, then at the lace-trimmed green dress she wore. I can't, he thought. I can't do this._

_ Steve was standing behind Soda when his best friend backed right into him. _

_ Soda turned around, as he felt Steve's tight grip on his shoulder. "Stevie, I want to see my dad too, but I- I can't."_

_ Steve looked over at the casket that held Mr. Curtis, as he put a hand on Soda's other shoulder and met his eyes. "Then, go see him, buddy. Darry and Pony are right here. And I'm staying with you too."_

_ Soda looked down at the floor, tears gathered in his eyes, suddenly aware of the looks from around the room, of people watching him and his brothers. "I don't want to break down with everyone looking at me, Steve."_

_ Steve glared at no one in particular, knowing there was nothing but sympathy in the gathered crowd. "It's fine if you do, buddy. Nobody would blame you. But if you want, you can see your dad, then me and you will split for a few minutes, before the preacher starts talking."_

_ Soda nodded, as he started toward his dad's body, where Pony stood with his hands touching the soft white lining of the casket._

_ Pony was staring at his dad's face when he felt Soda's arms wrap around him. "How can it be Dad, Soda? How can it be either of them just laying here like this?"_

_ Soda looked at his dad, who wore a light blue dress shirt and black slacks, hands folded over his middle. "I don't know, Pone. But you know it's really not them, right? It ain't Mom and Dad here. They're with God, like Mom used to always talk to us about."_

_ Pony leaned against his middle brother, as he put one of his hands over Darrel Sr.'s. "Yeah. That's true."_

_ Soda touched his dad's shoulder, as he looked over at Darry, who was beside their mom's casket. His eyes met those of his big brother, knowing he was the only one who could easily see the tears Darry would never let fall in front of anyone else, but Soda himself._

_ Darry swallowed hard and blinked his eyes, moving them from Soda back to Elaine Curtis. He kissed her forehead, the skin cold against his lips, before he whispered to her. "I love you, Mom. I promise I'll take care of them for you and for Dad."_

* * *

"Hey there, Steve. I didn't know you were coming over."

Steve heard Samuel's greeting, as he made his way up the preacher's porch steps. "I, uh, I've been wanting to since I heard about- about what happened."

Samuel stepped outside, letting the front door close behind him. He saw how Steve's eyes wouldn't look up at him and touched his arm. "I'm glad you're here."

Steve lifted his gaze up to meet Samuel's. "I'm so sorry."

"Thank you."

"Are you okay?"

Samuel sighed, as he settled his arm around Steve's shoulders. "Not really. It's been a very hard few days."

Steve wrapped both arms around Samuel, hugging him in genuine sympathy and in response to all he himself had felt in the past several days.

Samuel didn't hesitate to hug Steve back, sensing the heaviness in the boy's spirit. "Are _you _okay, Steve?"

Steve rested his head on Samuel's shoulder, not yet letting go. "I'm not sure, preacher guy. I'm not sure at all."

* * *

"Darry, I told you not to do that! Why did you?"

Darry, having anticipated this response from Soda, put his hands on each of his brother's shoulders. "Because you need it. I have to do something, little buddy. I can't let you keep hurting like you are, if there's someone who could help."

Soda, no fight left in him at the moment, hung his head. "But I told you please don't call, Dar. I said I'd do better."

"I know, Sodapop. I heard you. I heard everything you said to me last night. You keep changing your mind about this, but I have to try to get you to do what's best. You know this is a good idea, or you wouldn't have come to me about it."

"When's the appointment?"

"Next Wednesday at eleven in the morning."

"I really don't want to go, Dar. I don't. Please cancel it. I can do better. I know I can."

"Soda, look at me." Darry paused, as Soda's eyes met his own. "There's nothing for you to do better, little buddy. You're not in trouble or anything like that. She's just a doctor. It'll be okay. I promise."

* * *

_"Come this way, man. There ain't anyone around here."_

_ Soda followed Steve around a corner and into a corridor that separated the chapel from the main part of the funeral home. He leaned against the wall, as he sank down to the carpet, letting the tears begin to fall freely. "I know it's a funeral, and it's my parents. So everyone expects me to cry, but-"_

_ Steve heard his best friend start to sob and sat down close to his side. "I know, buddy. I understand. You don't gotta explain anything to me, Sodapop."_

_ "Seeing them like that is making it real, Stevie. And I don't want it to be real."_

_ Steve laid a hand on Soda's back, rubbing gently as he cried. "I know it's hard, man."_

_ Soda looked at Steve, tears falling down his cheeks, as he spoke in a choked voice. "I hope they knew I loved them."_

_ Steve gripped the back of Soda's shirt, as his own tear-filled eyes watched for any sign of another person's presence. "They knew, buddy. They knew."_

_ "I hope they know I still love them, that I always will."_

_ Screw this, Steve thought, as he put his arms around Soda. "They do know." He squeezed his best friend tight, the urge to comfort him only gaining strength. "Your mom and dad will always know that you and your brothers will love them forever."_

* * *

"I shouldn't be dumping all this on you. You're going through enough."

Samuel leaned forward in the rocking chair, scooting close to the edge of it, as he spoke to Steve. "You're not dumping anything on me, Steve. Yes, my wife and I are going through a very difficult loss right now. But that doesn't mean you can't still talk to me."

Steve sat in the chair beside Samuel and looked at the preacher's eyes that were so intently staring back at him. "Are you sure?"

"Completely sure. You can still tell me anything. It's only been a week since we last saw each other, but it feels like a lot longer. What's been going on?"

"I know Soda talked to you about stuff. He told me some of it too."

"Yeah. I believe most of what he told me that day, you already knew anyway."

"He's not good right now, preacher guy. Sometimes, it seems like he gets worse everyday."

"What do you mean worse? What's been happening lately?"

"On Friday night, we talked for hours because he felt so much like hurting himself. I know he already told you about feeling that way."

"Yeah. He did."

"Man, I was so scared that night, but relieved too, you know? Cause he was telling me about it and not actually doing anything he was talking about. But still, he sounded too much like he could try to kill himself."

"The two of you are both so blessed to have each other, Steve."

"Yeah, I know we are. Everything he was feeling that night, it was so scary and real hard to listen to. But when I think about it now, I get how he could feel like he wants to die. It's not hard to see where that would come from, even though I sure wish Soda never had to suffer with those kinds of feelings."

"So where do you think it comes from then?"

"I ain't even sure how much I should say cause, you know, it's Soda, and we talk about a lot of stuff with each other that we don't with anyone else. I don't ever want to hurt that trust."

"You won't, Steve. Because that's not the kind of friend you are. You don't even have to tell me what Sodapop said to explain what you're thinking."

"No, I guess I really don't." Steve closed his eyes for a moment, his mind easily drifting back to the words Soda had spoken to him, the pain he'd revealed within the security of their friendship. "This is not something I ever thought Soda would feel, but once, my doctor asked me if I ever felt worthless. He was trying to decide if I might be at risk for hurting myself again. I said no cause I didn't feel that way. But Soda does now. And he just sounded so...hopeless. I could hear that in everything he said to me all night. With all that going on inside, it's no wonder he could see dying as a way to escape from the pain."

* * *

"I'm done talking about this for right now, Sodapop."

Soda huffed out a breath at Darry's words that had interrupted his protests. "I'm eighteen, Dar. It's my choice to go to a doctor or not."

Darry leaned against the kitchen counter, ignoring the slight pain still in his back from the previous day's pulled muscle, as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Don't even start that, little buddy. None of this is about how old you are. I called because you asked me to call."

"But then, I told you don't! I almost begged you last night, Darry!"

"Because you were so upset, Sodapop. I don't even know what you were sitting there thinking about, before I came outside, but whatever it was had you damn near falling apart right there on the porch. You were breaking my heart, asking me why I love you. It's breaking my heart everyday to see you hurting when I can't do a damn thing to fix it."

Soda took a step back from Darry, as his gaze dropped to the floor, eyes staring at the brown and white tile.

"So please, little buddy. Stop fightin' so hard. Keep the appointment. I'll be right there with you, and it'll be fine."

* * *

_Soda watched his mother's closed casket being lowered into the hole in the cold ground that would soon become her grave. He felt Darry wrap an arm around him and laid his head on his big brother's shoulder, as tears streamed down his cheeks. _

_ The casket dropped lower and lower into the ground until the brothers could no longer see it. As shovels began to complete the burial, Soda's gaze shifted away from the scene unfolding in front of him. He looked up at Darry, seeing that his older brother now stood as still as a statue, not a single tear presently visible on his face._

* * *

"What is it, Sodapop? What's wrong?"

Soda took another step back from Darry, his eyes wide in shock, as nausea settled in his stomach.

Darry stared at Soda, seeing that his middle brother's face was nearly ashen. "Sodapop, talk to me, little buddy."

Soda's eyes locked with Darry's concerned gaze, before he rushed out of the kitchen. He made it to the toilet just in time for the latest pang of nausea to make his stomach empty itself.

Darry entered the bathroom to the sound of vomiting. He took a wash cloth from a stack in the cabinet and ran cool water over it, before he crouched down beside Soda.

Soda felt the cloth touch the skin on his neck, as he threw up one more time. He then closed his eyes, resting his head on the toilet seat.

Darry moved the wet cloth to Soda's face, letting it gently touch his little brother's cheeks and forehead. "You going to be okay now?"

Soda lifted a hand to touch the cloth, his eyes opening, as he pressed it against his face. "I don't know, Dar. Sorry for fightin' you about this."

"It's okay. That's not why you got sick, is it?"

"No, that ain't why."

"Did it happen like that a couple of days ago too? It seemed to come out of nowhere."

"No. My stomach hurt for a while before."

"You turned about as white as a sheet, little buddy."

"I'll go, Darry. I'll go to the appointment, and I won't argue about it anymore." Soda lifted his head up, still holding the wet cloth in his hands, as he looked at his brother. "Cause the last thing I ever want to do is break your heart."

* * *

_Soda remained close to Darry, as shovels began scooping up the dirt to bury their father's casket that had just been lowered into the ground next to their mother's. He lifted his head from his older brother's shoulder to see Pony, who stood on Darry's other side._

_ Soda reached for him, then felt Pony's hand in his own. He held onto it, determined to never let it slip out of his grasp._

* * *

"Relax, little buddy. You're okay now."

Soda lay his head down on one of the couch pillows, focusing on the sound of Darry's voice, as an ache twisted his stomach. "Darry, where's Pony? He should be home by now."

Darry sat on the edge of the couch near Soda's feet, then draped the blanket he held over him. "He had track practice. He'll be home soon."

"But what if he's not?"

"He will be. He's always kind of late on Wednesday's."

"Have I been breaking his heart too?"

Darry put his hand on Soda's arm that was covered with the blanket. "I shouldn't have said that to you, little buddy. Not when I know how you've been feeling lately."

"You should if it's true, Dar. I want to know if I hurt you guys. So I can tell you I'm sorry."

"But, like I said the other night, you're not hurting anyone. We just hurt with you. You're the kindest, most understanding person I've ever known, Sodapop. So I know you know what that's like, and you'd never want somebody who's in pain to blame themselves."

"I keep doing it though. I feel guilty for all kinds of stuff. Steve tells me it's just a feeling, and I didn't do anything wrong. Cause he's felt a lot of guilt too. He still does sometimes."

"I've felt it too, little buddy. You know that. I think, a lot of the time, it's just part of being human."

* * *

"I'm not thinking about it anymore, Dad. It's not like before."

Nicholas rinsed the soapy dishes in the sink, as he spoke to Steve. "Okay, Son. I guess it just worried me because I know what that's done to you in the past, and it wasn't too long ago."

Steve finished tying his shoe, before grabbing a towel and beginning to dry the clean dishes. "I know. I guess maybe it worried me too, and that's why I told you about it. But I don't have the guilt that I did anymore. Her death wasn't about me."

"No, Son. It sure wasn't."

"And you know what else, Dad? The abuse, what she chose to do, that wasn't about me either."

* * *

_Soda dropped to his knees in front of the two fresh graves, the ground around them blanketed by white snow. He touched the dirt that covered his mom's grave, his fingers brushing over the place where she'd been laid to rest._

_ Steve saw Darry, Pony, and Johnny talking to each other beside Darry's pick-up truck, as Dallas' retreating back headed in any direction that would lead him far from the cemetery. Hands in his pockets, Steve went over to where Soda was on the section of ground that now separated him from the bodies of two beloved parents._

_ Soda's hand was touching the dirt that made up his father's grave when he saw Steve out of the corner of his eye. "Hey."  
_

_Steve knelt on the ground beside Soda, his eyes looking at the graves of two people he knew had been there for him as well. "I wish I knew the right thing to say, buddy."_

_ "There ain't anything to say, Stevie."_

_ Steve put a hand on Soda's back, as he looked over at him. "Maybe not. So I guess I'll just keep being here."_

* * *

"He called her, Stevie. Darry called Dr. Morgan's office earlier."

Steve lit a cigarette and took a drag off it, before he replied to Soda. "Good, buddy. So you got an appointment?"

Soda nodded from his place on the porch swing, as he sipped on ginger ale. "Yeah."

Steve leaned on the porch rail, blowing smoke into the evening air. "When is it?"

"Next Wednesday morning."

"What time?"

"Darry said 11:00."

"I'll stop by there at lunch time, okay?"

"You don't have to do that, Steve."

"Of course I don't. I don't have to do anything. But I want to, man. So just let it be."

"I told Darry I'd go, but I ain't really all right with it. I'm trying to be though."

"I get it, buddy. I know you've got a lot of shit going on inside that's making you feel out of sorts."

"That's one way of puttin' it."

Steve nodded toward the bottle of ginger ale in Soda's hand. "You get sick again today?"

"Yeah. Just a little while ago. In front of Darry this time."

"What'd Superman say about it?"

"He just wondered what happened because it was real sudden. We were talking, and he said I turned white."

"What were you talking about?"

"I was being a pain in the ass cause he called and made the appointment."

"But you said you asked him to do it."

"I did. But last night, I told him don't. I damn near begged him not to call."

"But, of course, he did it anyway."

"Yeah. And I wouldn't get off his back about it. Even when he said he was done talking, I didn't drop it. He got real frustrated and told me it's breaking his heart to see me hurting when he can't fix it."

"It's a big deal when Darry admits something like that, isn't it?"

"Yeah. It hit me real hard to hear him say it. It made me feel bad, and then I got nauseous."

Steve took one last drag off his cigarette, before putting it out and tossing it over the railing. "Sodapop, I know I didn't really ask before, but do you know what made you sick those other times too? I mean, it's obviously stress and stuff, but do you know exactly why it started happening when it did?"

Soda looked from Steve to the bottle of ginger ale, seeing the fizzy liquid inside that had helped settle his upset stomach. "Um, I mean, no. I don't- I don't think so."

Steve moved away from the porch railing to sit on the swing beside Soda. "I'm not going to push you to tell me about it, buddy. I'm just wondering if you do know."

Soda felt his mouth go dry, then took a few swallows of the ginger ale. "Yeah. I know. I know why I started getting sick."

"That's probably a good thing. Maybe if you understand the reason, it'll help."

"It ain't anything you don't kind of already know about, Stevie."

Steve put an arm around Soda, giving him a squeeze, as he looked toward the front yard and his car that was parked in the driveway behind Darry's truck. "I know it's not your thing. It wasn't mine either. But I think I know something that could help."

Soda leaned his head on Steve's shoulder. "What?"

"Write it down, buddy. Whatever there is you can't say, put it on paper."

"You did that, right?"

"Sure did. Because, as much stuff as I had shared, I just wasn't ready to say it all outloud yet. I think writing it down helped me get there though."

"But what if I never want to say it outloud anyway?"

"Still. Write it down. Something about that helps, man. I'm serious. Especially since it's bothering you this much. At least then, it'll be somewhere besides just in your head."

* * *

"Hey, Soda?"

Soda heard a knock on his bedroom door and looked up from the blank sheet of paper to see Pony. "Yeah, Pone?"

Pony closed the door, then went over to where Soda sat on the bed, seeing him put the paper and a pencil on top of the nightstand. "Could I sleep in here with you tonight?"

"If you want. But you don't have to. I ain't having those dreams all the time anymore."

"I know you're not. But I guess it's something I can do."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I don't know what else I can do to help. Even though I want to. It's something I can do when I don't know another way to be here for you."

* * *

_"Hey, Sodapop. Wake up."_

_ Soda felt someone shaking his shoulder, and his eyes popped open to see Darry next to him. "Hmm? What is it, Dar?"  
_

_Darry stood awake and dressed for the day, as his middle brother stretched and yawned, still in bed beside a sleeping Ponyboy. "I have to go to work. I told Mr. Sanders I could start early this morning."_

_ "Already? Me and Pony don't gotta go to school yet, do we?"_

_ "No. Not yet. You both can wait til Monday. But I've got to start bringing in money."_

_ "What time will you be home?"  
_

_"Probably around 4:00 or 4:30."_

_ "Okay."_

_ Darry's gaze moved to their youngest brother. "Keep an eye on Pony."_

_ "I will."_

_ Darry started to leave the room, as his gaze then moved back to Soda. "Don't sleep too late, little buddy."_

_ "I won't, Dar."_

_ "And Sodapop?"  
_

_Soda turned over, seeing Darry pause in the doorway. "Yeah?"_

_ "I can't have either of you getting in any trouble. So clean up the house, and you damn well better behave yourselves."_

* * *

Soda lie awake, despite the fresh air that came through his open window. He sat up in bed, seeing Pony sound asleep beside him, no trace of the nightmares that used to plague him.

Soda looked around the room, images of the past and those of taunting temptation filling up the darkness. He scooted closer to the window sill, the sensation of the cool air a soothing reminder that life didn't always hurt.

Turning away from the window, Soda reached over Pony to grab the paper and pencil he'd left on the nightstand earlier. He stared at the blank page of blue lines for a moment, before pressing it down on the edge of the sill and beginning to write the words he couldn't bring himself to speak.


	32. Chapter 32

The hearts that had been linked by both tragedy and triumph remained connected through times of joy and pain.

* * *

"Damn, Stevie, if you laugh any harder, you're going to hurt yourself."

Steve still laughed, punching in on the time clock, as he responded to Soda. "But it was _that _funny, man. He practically went sliding down the hallway. Totally didn't see the 'wet floor' sign. I swear I tried to warn him."

Soda chuckled at the image of TwoBit gliding along a slippery floor. "Sure you did, buddy."

"I actually did, but he was too busy yapping about something or other to pay attention."

"So what happened? Did he fall on his ass?"

"Oh yeah! But you know TwoBit. He was laughing the whole time. I went to help him up and was laughing so hard, I almost fell too."

"Now, that would've been a sight."

"Yep. Two tough Greasers on their asses in the hallway. Man, I'd have been embarrassed, but he wasn't at all."

"Yeah, TwoBit ain't one to get embarrassed." Soda went over to the time clock himself, punching out for the day. "Hey, I know it ain't Friday yet, but do you want to do something tonight after you get off work?"

"Man, it's good to hear you say that."

"Yeah. I just think tomorrow's going to be a real long day, you know? Cause I have that appointment with Dr. Simons."

"And you don't think you'll be up to going out and doing anything."

"Yeah. Pretty much. So I thought we could go for pizza and play some pool."

"Sure, man. I could go for whipping your ass at the pool table. It's been a while."

"Nah. I think I'll beat you this time. Ten bucks says I do."

"You're on, buddy. I'll see you after work."

* * *

"Vivian went to meet up with a couple of friends from the grief group she used to go to."

Nicholas sat down in the chair across from Samuel. "That'll probably be good for her."

Samuel tapped his fingers on the Randles' kitchen table, as he sighed. "Yeah. It felt good to me to go to work today. I think I needed it. Vivian and I... I'm not saying we're having problems with one another or anything, but she said something to me a couple of days ago that I can't stop thinking about."

"What'd she say?"

"She asked if I'm relieved because we're not having a baby, if this feels better to me than being afraid. It took me off guard, Nicholas. I hate that she could think that even for a second."

"What did you tell her?"

"That I wanted the baby too. Being scared never meant that I didn't. She asked me once if I was sad too. Of course I'm sad, and I'm not relieved this happened. I can't even imagine feeling that way."

"You haven't told Vivian about the guilt you've been feeling, have you?"

"No. Because she's going through so much grief. I don't want her to be dealing with my feelings too."

"Maybe you should share them with her, especially since she's asking questions about how you are. And you told me she asked you what she did wrong, so it could help her to know she's not alone in feeling guilty."

Samuel felt himself begin to smile for the first time in days. "You've been listening to me way too much this past year."

"Has it been a year?"

"Not quite, but close enough."

"Well, if I sound like you, then I must be right. Tell Vivian how you're feeling. At least then, she won't have to wonder."

* * *

_"Sodapop Patrick! I told you to clean up this house!"_

_ Soda stared at Darry, the use of his middle name unexpected. "I'm sorry, Dar. I'll clean it, I swear. It ain't that much of a mess."_

_ Darry looked around the living room and kitchen, seeing dishes left out, clothes and shoes scattered on the floor, and a carpet that clearly hadn't been vacuumed. "We can't do this, little buddy. You hear me? A social worker is going to be checking on us. We have to make the house look as good as we can."_

_ "Oh. I didn't- I mean, I didn't know anybody would check up on us. Cause you're an adult. You're almost twenty."_

_ "Which isn't old, especially when we're talking about me being the guardian of two teenage boys."_

_ Soda started collecting the dirty dishes and taking them to the sink. "I'm sorry, Dar. I don't want us to look bad."_

_ "Just clean up, Sodapop. I gotta shower and start on some dinner."_

_ Pony came in from the back porch, a pack of cigarettes in his hand. "What's all the yellin' about?"_

_ Soda picked up the dirty clothes and tossed them in a laundry basket. "Nothin', Pone. We're fine."_

_ Darry eyed the cigarette pack in Pony's hand. "You gotta back off on the smokin', Kiddo. You're thirteen for cryin' outloud."_

_ Pony rolled his eyes. "I ain't smokin' much. Just need it to calm me down some. Besides, you never cared before."_

_ Darry snatched the pack away from Pony, looking inside at the cigarettes that were left. "I wasn't trying to be your guardian before. At least cool it with the smokin' til after the state comes to check on us. I don't want you smellin' like that around a social worker."_

_ Pony took off his coat, then sat down on the sofa. "Social worker? Why do we need one of those?"_

_ Darry sighed, as he rubbed his head. "I need one to attest that I'm a fit guardian for you ? Did both of you think they'd just hand me custody, no questions asked? It doesn't work that way."_

_ Soda took the pack of cigarettes and tossed it back to Pony, before putting his hands on Darry's shoulders and pushing him toward the bathroom. "Go take a shower, Dar. I promise we'll clean up. Just relax and don't worry about a thing."_

* * *

Soda leaned forward, eyeing the solid yellow ball that was directly across from the cue ball.

Steve watched, as the cue stick slid between two fingers of Soda's right hand, then made contact with the cue ball.

Soda still leaned forward, as the cue ball bumped into the yellow solid, knocking it right into a corner pocket. "Better be ready to pay up, Stevie."

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch, man. You still gotta sink one more, before the eight ball."

Soda took aim once again, eyeing the red solid he needed to sink into a side pocket.

"Who says you can't focus? If you stare any harder, your eyes are going to sink that ball."

"Yeah. It'll be like magic." Soda let the cue stick slide between his fingers, then hit the cue ball.

Steve saw the cue ball make contact with the red solid, which rolled forward, then stopped near the edge of the side pocket.

"Well, damn, that chicken sure didn't hatch."

"And, now, it's my turn." Steve lined the cue stick up, then took his shot, making the striped green ball roll across the pool table, then bounce off the side. "Man! What the hell do you call that?"

"Um, I think I would call it a miss, Stevie."

Steve gave Soda a shove, unable to keep from chuckling at the thoughtful expression that covered his best friend's face. "No shit, man."

Soda grinned, as he got ready to take his next turn. "I feel like another slice of pizza after I'm done kicking your ass."

Steve eyed the solid colored ball and the striped one that remained on the pool table, along with the eight ball. "Well, we'll see about that, buddy. But, yeah, I could go for another too."

Soda looked at Steve for a moment, before turning his gaze back to the pool table. "Thanks, Stevie."

"For what?"

"Just...Thanks."

Steve clapped Soda on the back. "All right then. You're welcome for whatever it is. Now, let's finish the game, get more pizza, then head on home."

* * *

"Hey, sweetheart, how was it seeing your friends?"

Vivian felt Samuel kiss her cheek, as she set her purse down on the dresser. "It was good talking to them. What did you do tonight?"

Samuel, fresh out of the shower and clad only in thin pair of pants, put his dirty laundry and wet towel in the hamper. "I went over to Nicholas' for a little while."

Vivian reached in a drawer for her nightgown, then started undoing the buttons on her dress.

Samuel watched his wife undress herself, then slide the nightgown over her head. "You're so pretty, honey."

Before Vivian could reply, Samuel's lips were on hers. She pressed her hands to his chest, as she broke the kiss. "You know we can't, right, Samuel? Not for at least a couple of weeks."

Samuel ran his fingers over the straps of Vivian's nightgown, touching her bare shoulders. "I know. But, tonight, I still want to love you in any way that I can."

* * *

_"Damn it, Steve. I can't take this. Everybody knows!"_

_ Steve heard the Ford's passenger door slam, as Soda got in the seat beside him. "Easy, buddy. What happened?"_

_ Soda shoved a wrinkled up exam paper toward Steve. "This! Just like I told you. I fuckin' failed again. And the way Mrs. Patterson looked at me, the way everybody has looked at me ever since Mom and Dad..."_

_ Steve saw the 62% at the top of the test paper and sighed, as he heard Soda trail off. "Buddy, I-"_

_ "I'm not stayin', Steve. I can't do this anymore."_

_ "Not stayin' where?"_

_ "At school."_

_ "Maybe you should skip the rest of the day, man. You sound like you need a break."_

_ "No. I mean I should just drop out."_

_ "What the hell are you talking about, Sodapop? You can't just leave school."_

_ "Why not? I ain't going to pass this year. I could get a job and be making money. I could be doing something useful, Steve."_

_ "A high school diploma is useful, man. Come on, don't give up so damn fast. At least give it more time than this. You've got most of the semester ahead of you. Besides, Darry's not going to let you drop out anyway."_

_ "That's true. He'd lose his shit, if I even told him it crossed my mind."_

_ "Damn right he would. So just hang in there. Hell, you've made it this far. You can still pull your grades up and pass."_

_ Soda took the exam paper back from Steve and folded it so the grade was no longer visible. "All right. I'll stay. But we gotta split for a while."_

_ Steve picked up his keys and started the car. "Sure thing, man. Let's beat it out of here, and go grab something to eat."_

* * *

Steve shifted into reverse, backing the Ford out of the painted white lines of the parking space. "Hey, we gotta do this again soon, so I can win my money back."

Soda nodded from his place in the passenger seat, seeing the street lamp on the corner, its light making the night seem less dark. "Yeah."

Steve drove out of the parking lot of the pizza place, making the left turn that would take them to the Curtis' house. "What? You ain't even going to tell me you'll beat me next time too?"

"Nah. I guess not."

Steve cut his eyes toward Soda, catching his expression, even in the dark. "Oh, no you don't, buddy. No way."

"Huh?"

"You've been doing good all day and night, man."

"Oh."

"Please don't go breaking down on me now."

"I won't."

Silence filled the car, Steve's eyes watching the road in front of him, as he also glanced at Soda.

Soda leaned his head on the window that was cracked, fresh air flowing inside the Ford, as he saw himself in the sideview mirror.

Steve took the next right turn, the Curtis' house now only a couple of blocks away. "I'm sorry, buddy. I shouldn't have said that."

"Ain't a big deal."

"But I still shouldn't have."

"Was trying real hard, Stevie."

"I know. Hey, it's still good to feel better for a little while."

"Guess so."

Steve pulled up beside the Curtis' driveway, stopping behind Soda's Chevy. "I'll see you sometime tomorrow, okay?"

Soda reached for the door handle, as he nodded. "Yeah. Okay."

Steve saw that Soda was hesitating, still, as he didn't open the door. He turned the car off, then leaned to lay a hand on his best friend's back. "What do you need right now, Sodapop?"

"Don't know."

"Why did you tell me thanks?"

"Just wanted to."

"Wanted to why?"

"Cause you're my best friend."

"But what else are you thinking, man?"

"You've been here for me so much. I want you to know it means a lot to me."

"I know that, and it's what I'm here for, buddy. You told me once that's what brothers do."

Soda let go of the door handle to sit back against the passenger seat. "But I guess I'm trying to say even more than that."

"So what then?"

"I just- I want to tell you thanks for still being my best friend, for still wanting to come out with me tonight."

"Of course, buddy."

"I guess I get worried, Stevie. Like I think no one will want me anymore. I said some stuff to Darry the other night cause of it."

"Aw, buddy, you never have to worry about that." Steve reached for Soda's shoulder and squeezed, as he caught his gaze. "I mean it, man. Never."

Soda's eyes dropped away from Steve's, as he looked down. "I've never been afraid about anything like that before. But it's like I get scared of not being loved."

"Sodapop, you couldn't be more loved than you are, man, and that ain't ever going away. All these feelings you've got, they're messin' up how you see things, how you see yourself. You have no idea how much I wish I could fix that for you, buddy."

"I think this is why I fight you and Darry so much sometimes, Stevie. Cause I have that feeling, and I need to prove it wrong."

"I can see that. If you're a pain in the ass, and we still don't walk away from you or give up, that tells you we love you. Am I right?"

"Yeah."

"Lately, you've kind of reminded me of when I felt like I didn't deserve for anyone to help me or care about me. So I tried to push all of you away. But nobody ever left. Not my dad, not you, not Evie. Not Laura either. You guys kept showing me I was loved. That's what you all did, no matter what. So those feelings finally had to let go of me."

"I guess I kinda feel like that too. But I don't really know why. It's just there."

"You've been coping with a hell of a lot of guilt, and I think that's probably why. If you're thinking you've done stuff that's wrong, then it makes sense for you to feel like you don't deserve to be loved or helped. But you do, buddy. Please let that sink in."

"I'm tryin' to."

"You're not doing a damn thing wrong either. No matter what any of those feelings tell you. Everything you've got going on inside, it just means you're in pain. It doesn't mean anything else. It sure as hell doesn't mean anybody in your life is going to stop caring about you. Nothing even has that kind of power. Trust me."

* * *

"You got home late for a school night, Son."

Steve spit toothpaste into the sink, then rinsed off his toothbrush, as he replied to Nicholas. "Yeah. I didn't have any homework, and Soda wanted to go do something. So we did."

Nicholas stood in the bathroom doorway, letting out a yawn, before he spoke. "What'd you two do?"

Steve set his toothbrush back in the holder and switched off the light, making his way to his bedroom. "Went to that pizza place that has the pool table. We ate and played a round. I lost ten bucks."

Nicholas chuckled, as he followed Steve down the hallway. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Soda kicked my ass." Steve pulled back the covers on his bed, then got in it. "Nah. Not really, he didn't. It was a close game."

"Sounds like you had a good time."

"Yeah. We did. I think Soda needed it." Steve lie down, wrapping himself in the blanket, as he rested his head on the pillow. "And I needed it too."

* * *

_"Well, it looks like everything is in order, Darrel. I will be recommending that Ponyboy and Sodapop remain in your custody."_

_ Darry put out his hand to shake that of Linda Clark, the social worker, who had come to visit their home. "Thank you, ma'am."  
_

_Soda sat beside Pony on the couch, letting out a breath he hadn't even known he was holding._

_ Linda spoke once again, as the handshake ended, and she looked inside one of the folders she carried. "Even after custody is officially granted, I will be checking in with you all once a month to make sure everything is still going well. I don't prefer to ever remove minors from the home, especially after an event as traumatic as the deaths of both parents. But if I ever have reason to believe that either of the boys would be better off elsewhere, I won't hesitate to act on their behalf."_

_ Darry nodded, holding back the defensive words that initially tried to slip off his tongue. "I understand. We won't be having any issues that will make that necessary."_

_ Soda remained quiet, swallowing back what he wanted to say, his mind pleading to never be separated from his brothers._

_ Pony's mouth opened to speak, but then, he felt Soda's hand on his shoulder. He looked at his middle brother, seeing him shaking his head._

_ Linda turned to Pony and Soda, giving them a smile. "I'm sorry for the circumstances, but it was nice to meet the two of you. I'll see you boys again soon."  
_

_Soda stood to his feet, flashing his biggest grin, as he held out his hand. "Nice to meet you too, ma'am. There ain't going to be any trouble around here either. You can count on us."_

* * *

"So there really is nerve damage, huh? I mean, I knew that's what you were going to say, but..."

Darry put a hand on Soda's back, as his middle brother trailed off, then spoke to Dr. Simons. "So what do you do for it then?"

Dr. Simons sat down on his rolling chair, moving it forward, so he was right in front of Soda. "There are ways to manage this, Sodapop. From everything you've indicated to me, your symptoms are rather mild, and also not constant. The affected nerve in your arm was subjected to traumatic pressure and stretching when you were shot, but-"

Soda flinched at Dr. Simons' words, feeling Darry squeeze his shoulder. "It's okay. You can finish what you were saying."

Dr. Simons spoke again, his gaze level with Soda's. "But I know of some steps you can take to help relieve the pressure and tension, and I believe you'll ultimately see a great deal of improvement."

* * *

"Can I just have a minute by myself? Please, Dar?"

Darry stood in the hall beside Soda and saw how his middle brother looked down at the information and instructions the doctor had given him, as well as the splint that would also play a role in treatment. "That was still a lot of good news, little buddy."

Soda kept rereading the word "neuropathy" on the printed pages he held, the diagnosis unsettling to him, despite the hope Dr. Simons had so readily offered. "I know. I just need a second alone. You can go on out to the truck, and I'll be there in a little bit. So long as I'm not making you late for work?"

"You're not. I've still got enough time between now and when I told Mr. Sanders I'd be back." Darry glanced at his watch, then looked down the hallway toward the office they'd just come out of, noticing Dr. Simons' door was still open. "Actually, I'm going to see if there's a bathroom down there, then I'll be outside. You just come out when you're ready."

"Okay. I will."

Darry waited until Soda's gaze had shifted away from him, before he went toward the open door.

Dr. Simons heard a knock and looked up from the notes he was writing. "Oh. Hello again, Mr. Curtis. Is there something I can do for you?"

Darry stepped fully into the office, his eyes meeting Dr. Simons'. "No. There's just something I want you to know about. Sodapop had an appointment almost a week ago with the counselor whose name you gave us."

"Oh? So how'd it go?"

"Terrible. I didn't want to mention it in front of Sodapop because he had a really hard time with it. But she told him he needed to take responsibility for getting shot."

"She what? I'm so sorry, Mr. Curtis. I had no idea that would happen."

"I'm not blaming you, Doctor. Not at all. I just wanted you to know what kind of person this lady is. She even tried to defend herself afterwards by saying she was only telling him the truth."

"I hate that for Sodapop. I hate that for any one of my patients who's been injured in any circumstances. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No. But thank you anyway. I just wanted to tell you, so you'd be aware she's not the type of counselor anyone needs."

* * *

_"TwoBit, you better knock it off! I don't want a mess around here!"_

_ TwoBit picked up the lamp he'd just knocked over, as he responded to Darry's warning. "Aw, I ain't breakin' nothin'. Man, you sure are getting old before your time."_

_ Darry turned off the oven, then took out the tray of baked chicken. "But I ain't too old to kick your head in."_

_ Soda reached for a piece of chicken, only to pull his hand back from the heat._

_ Darry rolled his eyes, as he took off his oven mitt. "Yeah, it's hot, little buddy. I just took it out of the oven."_

_ TwoBit grabbed Steve in a headlock, wrestling him to the floor. "Holler uncle, Steve-O!"_

_ Steve fought against the hold. "Cut it out, man. Unless you want Darry's muscles to come in here and remind you he's all brawn and no brain."_

_ The words casting a silent tension over the house, Soda stood frozen, as Darry left the kitchen and shoved TwoBit away from Steve._

_ Darry's eyes zeroed in on Steve's face, as he hauled the boy up off the floor then made a fist that then collided with his jaw._

_ Steve's eyes immediately watered at the pain, as he felt Darry release him. He dropped to the floor, left cheek cradled in his hand._

_ Soda went to Steve's side, as he heard Darry's footsteps, then the slam of a bedroom door._

_ TwoBit broke out of his own shock and went to grab Steve an ice pack from the freezer._

_ Soda pried Steve's fingers away from his face, seeing him visibly shake from the pain. "You're going to have one hell of a bruise. If you weren't my best friend, I might've punched you too."_

_ Steve felt the ice pack press against his cheek, as he looked up at Soda. "Sorry. Didn't mean anything by it."_

_ TwoBit eyed the forming bruise on Steve's face. "Man, you're lucky as hell he didn't break your jaw."_

_ Soda rubbed Steve's back, as he helped him keep the ice in place. "You really are. You gotta think, before you talk, Steve."_

_ Steve clenched his eyes closed, both at the pain from the punch and the tone of Soda's voice. "You pissed at me too?"  
_

_Soda sighed, his eyes not leaving Steve. "I was. But it's kinda fading away, watching you right now. You better apologize to Darry. You can't say shit like that about him."_

_ Steve looked in the direction of Darry's bedroom, knowing that had been the source of the slammed door. "Should let him cool off first, right?"  
_

_Soda followed Steve's gaze. "Oh yeah. I'll talk to him first. You do it too soon, and he might hit you again. Come on, Stevie, let's get you up off this floor."  
_

_Steve felt both TwoBit and Soda slip an arm around his waist and hoist him up to his feet, before guiding him to the sofa. "Really am sorry, Soda."_

_ Soda moved the ice pack to see the swollen skin that was beginning to turn black and blue. "I know, buddy. I ain't mad at you now." He glanced down the hallway, before looking back at Steve. "I'm going to go talk to Darry now. But don't you dare think about going anywhere near him until I've got him calmed down."_

_ TwoBit patted Steve's shoulder. "Yeah, man. I ain't itchin' to see Darry actually break your face."_

_ Steve laid back against the sofa cushions, his face smarting with pain. "Yeah. I ain't itchin' to feel it either. Damn, Soda, your big brother sure does pack a mean punch."_

* * *

"I don't feel good about leaving you alone, Sodapop."

Soda heard Darry's concern from his place in the passenger seat of the truck. "I'll be all right, Dar. You can go to work."

Darry stopped the truck in front of the house, the hesitation still clear on his face. "Would you tell me if you thought you might not be all right?"

Soda remained silent for a moment, before answering. "Yeah. I would."

"Okay, little buddy. I'll see you when I get back home. It'll be a few hours."

"I'll be fine, Dar. Besides, school's out. So I think I'm going to head over and see Penny."

* * *

"What the hell are you doing, Dad?"

Nicholas heard Steve's amused question, as he eyed the dress pants and button-up shirts he had laid out on the bed. "Deciding what to wear tonight."

Steve's smile grew, the door wide open for him to tease his dad. "Oh. For Audrey, huh? What are you two doing tonight?"

"I'm not actually sure yet."

"But you want to look good for her, no matter what. Cause who knows, maybe you'll get lucky."

Nicholas' face blushed red, as he quickly picked out a deep green shirt and gray pants. "Oh. Um. This should do just fine."

Steve heard the stammer in his dad's words and burst out laughing. "Or maybe you already have."

Nicholas didn't look at Steve, only fixated on the clothes. "Uh, I don't think that's something I should discuss with my son."

"Which means I must be right. Come on, Dad. It ain't like I don't know what goes on between couples. I mean, it's not something I want to see. But you're both adults. You can do what you want."

"I know, Son."

"Just do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Don't ever do it with me in the house."

* * *

_"Hey, Dar? Can I talk to you?"_

_ Darry quickly shoved the papers he'd been looking at into his desk drawer, before speaking to Soda. "I hope you had some words with your best friend."_

_ Soda's eyes narrowed, as he looked at the drawer, then back at his brother. "You look nervous. What were those papers?"  
_

_Darry's head dropped into his hands. "Nothing for you to worry about, little buddy."_

_ "Don't bullshit me, Darry. I ain't a little kid."_

_ "You're sixteen, Sodapop. Only just turned sixteen four months ago too. Everything's under control."_

_ "What are you talking about?" Soda reached for the drawer's handle and snatched it open, before Darry could stop him._

_ Darry reached for the papers, only for Soda to grab them first and turn away._

_ Soda read the "past due" on the water bill, the electric bill, and the gas bill. "This ain't lookin' like everything's under control, Darry."_

_ "It is. I've almost got enough to pay some of each one. Enough that nothing will get turned off."_

_ "Looks like the gas and the electric were already a month behind before Mom and Dad died."_

_ "Yeah, little buddy. They were. But it was okay. They were catching up. It was just hard, especially this time of year. They'd been helping me with some of my school expenses too, so they were stretched pretty damn thin."_

_ "Then, we had Christmas too, right before the accident."_

_ "Exactly. It's just it's only been about five weeks, so I need more time to get everything steady."_

_ Soda handed the bills back to Darry, then sat down in front of his brother. "I ain't saying Steve had a right to say what he did in there, and I did talk to him. But is this why you snapped so hard?"  
_

_"Yeah. I guess so. I've gotta look for a second job, or things will get behind every month."_

_ "The social worker ain't going to like this."_

_ "Well, she'd like it even less if I paid the bills, instead of buying enough food."_

_ "I can't let you work yourself to death, Darry. I have to help."_

_ "You have school, little buddy. I'll figure out the rest."_

_ "Well, I can at least work part time. You can't do this by yourself."  
_

_"But I have to. So just trust me. It's my job to take care of you and Pony. So that's what I'm going to do, no matter what it takes."_

* * *

"Sodapop! I thought I'd never see you this week!"

Soda saw Penny's blue eyes light up, just before she wrapped her arms around him. "I know. I'm sorry."

Penny pulled away, though he arms remained around Soda's waist, as he looked up at his face. "It's okay. I just missed you."

Soda smiled, as his hands cupped Penny's face, one of his thumbs rubbing her cheek. "I missed you too."

Penny felt Soda's lips connect with hers, letting herself melt into his kiss for several moments, before breaking it. "My parents will be out for a few more hours, if you want to stay for a while and make it up to me."

Soda put his hand in Penny's blond hair that hung loose down her back. "I'd love to."


	33. Chapter 33

Recklessness joined with the quest for pleasure to lead to unexpected blessings.

* * *

"Hey, man. I stopped by your house earlier, but no one was home."

Soda joined Steve on the Randles' front porch. "Yeah. I've been with Penny for the last couple hours."

Steve sat down on the porch swing, noticing the glowing smile on his best friend's face. "Oh yeah?"

Soda sighed, as he sat down on the edge of the swing, his eyes set on the sky that was still blue with daylight. "Yeah."

"Man, you're too damn easy to read sometimes."

"I am?"

"You and Penny slept together, didn't you?"

"Yeah. We did. She told me she wanted to."

"Good for you, buddy. Hey, not trying to ruin your mood, but how was your doctor's appointment?"

"Not awful, I guess. I ain't happy about it, but not shocked either."

"I take it that means the tests said you do have nerve damage then?"

"Yeah."

Steve saw how the smile had evaporated from his best friend's face and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "I'm sorry, buddy. You said it wasn't awful. What's that mean?"

Soda tried to blink back the tears that had filled his eyes. "Dr. Simons says he thinks I'll see an improvement if I do some things."

Seeing how close Soda was to crying, Steve wrapped him in a hug. "That's good though, man. That's so good."

Soda returned the embrace, squeezing Steve for a moment, before pulling away. "I know. I ain't even sure why I'm crying about it."

"I am. You're hurt, buddy. You got something in your body that's not doing what it's supposed to."

Soda sniffled, as he wiped the tears from his face. "Yeah. I guess that's true."

"So what do you do to treat this then?"

"That's the thing about it, Stevie. What he said is so simple. I gotta wear a splint at night for a while. Then, I'm supposed to use ice packs and a heating pad on my arm and hand. Dr. Simons said all of it can help with the pain and the other symptoms. He said to take time to rest and elevate them everyday too."

"It does sound simple. What is all that supposed to actually do?"

"Help blood flow better and help the nerve that's hurt not have so much pressure on it. Something like that anyway."

"That makes sense."

"I just hope it really does help."

"It will, man. Hey, why don't we go inside and play some cards? Five bucks says I can beat you in a hand of rummy."

"You're giving me another chance to take even more of your money?"

"So long as you don't cheat. I know how you are, man."

"Oh, I'll give it a shot, Stevie. But I sure can't make any promises."

* * *

Nicholas lit the two candles he'd placed in the center of Audrey's dining room table, then turned the dial on the radio on the counter.

Audrey watched Nicholas choose a station in the dim light, hearing the room begin to fill with the sound of slow classical music.

Nicholas held out his arms, drawing near Audrey. "May I have this dance?"

"Of course you may." Audrey stepped forward, feeling Nicholas' hands on her waist, as she put her own on his shoulders. "This sure is romantic."

Nicholas moved his feet, making them sway back and forth on the kitchen tile. "I'm glad you like it."  
Audrey danced closer to Nicholas, inhaling the scent of his cologne.

Nicholas pressed his forehead to Audrey's, before tilting her chin up and kissing her, their lips remaining locked in tune with the music.

* * *

"It was good, man. But I ain't going to say anything other than that, you know?"

Steve sat across from Soda, putting down an ace of hearts with a two, three, and four. "Sure, buddy. I know. I'm not askin' for details. Just wondered if it was nice, like you said you wanted it to be."

Soda drew a card, then laid down a King, Queen, and Jack of clubs. "It was. Real nice, actually. Worth some waiting."

Steve, down to three cards, searched for plays among the ones on the table between them. He then laid down a ten of clubs and added a card to the discard pile. "You're about to owe me five bucks, man."

"Damn." Soda held four cards in his hand, finding not a single play. He tossed one into the discard pile. "You really think you got more points than me though?"

"Yep. Sure do." Steve drew a card, finding it was a five of hearts. He played it on the existing run, then threw his last card in the discard pile. "I'm out, man. Time to count them up."

* * *

_"Hey, Dal, good to see you man. It's been a while."_

_ Dallas nodded at Soda, as he shrugged. "Well, you know. It ain't been easy for me either, man."  
_

_TwoBit chimed in, as he sat in front of the TV, eating a slice of chocolate cake. "Boy, you sure missed it one day, Dally. Darry just about punched Steve's lights out!"_

_ Steve reacted quickly, seizing the front of TwoBit's shirt. "Shut up, man, or I'll punch your lights out."_

_ Dallas chuckled. "Ooh, better watch it, Keith. Steve is pissed."  
_

_Steve released TwoBit, then came to stand beside Soda. "I'm not pissed. I just don't like talking about that."_

_ Dallas took another look at Steve's face, seeing the signs of a fading bruise and a bit of swelling. "He really clocked you good, huh?"_

_ Soda chuckled, as he saw Steve's glowering expression that was leveled at TwoBit. He gave his best friend a light shove. "Nobody means any harm, Stevie. It's over."_

_ Steve grinned, in spite of himself. "Yeah. I'm tellin' you, Dal. Don't ever insult Darry."_

_ Dallas raised his eyebrows. "It took getting fuckin' punched for you to figure that out? Shit, man, I don't need Darry's fist to teach me that lesson."_

* * *

Nicholas took Audrey's hand in his own, the music still playing, as he twirled her around in a circle.

Audrey then felt Nicholas' hand on the small of her back, smiling up at him, as he leaned forward to dip her. "Hey, you're pretty good at this."

Nicholas guided Audrey back up with him, pulling her close once again, as the music's tempo slowed down. "I was a pretty good dancer back in my day."

"Back in your day? You make yourself sound old."

"Steve thinks I'm old."

"Steve is your son, who loves to tease you, so of course he says that."

"That's true."

"You know what?"

"What?"

Audrey touched Nicholas' face, feeling the stubble brush against the skin of her fingers. "For a man who's old, you sure do look amazing."

* * *

Steve stacked up the cards he'd played in the previous hand, finished tallying up his score. "All right, man. You owe me some money. It's time to pay up."

Soda abruptly stood to his feet, his chair screeching against the floor, as he did.

Steve watched as Soda went to stand by the kitchen window, seeing him press his hands to the glass. "Soda? Something wrong?"

This isn't that, Soda told himself. It's just Steve. Those weren't even the same words. "No. Nothing's wrong. I just- what you said about the money."

Damn it, Steve thought, as he went to stand near Soda. "I'm sorry, man."

"It's not your fault, Stevie. Besides, what else can you say? You're right. I did lose, so I owe you five bucks." Soda reached into his jeans pocket, then handed Steve a five dollar bill.

Steve took the money, shoving it into his back pocket. "Yeah. But still. I don't ever want to be the one reminding you of that."

"I think I'm okay anyway. Just sort of jolted me, you know?"

"We can do something else, or we don't even have to bet if-"

"You know what bothered me the most today about my doctor's appointment?"

"What?"

"The word _damage. _Cause if I have a nerve that's damaged, doesn't it mean I am?"

"No. That's not what it means. I don't like that word either, buddy. Not unless I'm talkin' about a car or something like that. You have an injured nerve, but nothing about you is damaged."

"I keep feeling like it is."

"I know what you're talkin' about, man. I've felt like that too, even though it was from something different."

"You ain't damaged either, Stevie."

"I know that. And I promise, buddy, that feeling is going to have to let go of you too."

"How do you know?"

"Cause it's lying to you. It's so fucked up, it can't even see the truth."

* * *

"Hey, you two. Having a slumber party?"

Steve shot Nicholas a look, as he sent back a sarcastic reply. "Oh, yeah, Dad. Don't we look cute in our jammies? We're about to wash our hair and do our nails."

Soda burst out laughing, falling over, so he was sprawled flat on Steve's bedroom floor.

Nicholas laughed and clapped Steve on the shoulder. "Well, don't forget the makeup, Son. You could use a little eye shadow and lipstick."

Soda laughed so hard, his eyes watered, and he sat up, trying to catch his breath. "Ya'll are the best. Come on, Stevie. I'll even put some mascara on your lashes. It'll really bring out your blue eyes."

Steve joined in the laughter. "Shut up, man, or I'll bring out your eyes, all right." He turned to Nicholas. "Speaking of lipstick, I bet there's been some on you tonight, Dad."

Nicholas chuckled, ruffling Steve's hair. "Wouldn't you like to know, Son. So, really, what are you guys up to?"

Steve shrugged, as he sat cross-legged on his bed. "The usual. Playing cards, talking, and stuff."

Soda looked at Nicholas, noticing the way he was dressed. "Hey, you're lookin' real sharp. Audrey must've liked seeing you."

Nicholas saw Steve start to speak. "Don't even, Son. I know that look on your face." He then turned to Soda. "Thank you, Sodapop. I like looking nice for her. We spent a little time dancing tonight."

Steve couldn't hold back his laughter. "Dancing, huh? Please tell me you didn't do that in public, Dad."

Nicholas rolled his eyes, as he shoved Steve's shoulder. "Actually, we danced naked in the street, Son. It was a blast."

* * *

_ "Ponyboy, I got a call from your school earlier today."_

_ Pony's eyes got wide, as he looked from his English homework to Darry. "Huh? I haven't done anything to get in trouble. I promise, Darry."_

_ Soda, his own homework pushed aside, grinned at his little brother, as he could easily read Darry's expression. "Relax, Pone. You'd know it if it was that kind of call."  
_

_Darry sat down on the arm of the couch beside Pony. "He's right. You're not in any trouble. But your principal did call me about your grades. He says your teachers believe you could be bored in the eighth grade."_

_ Pony looked down at the essay he was currently working on, then back at Darry. "So what does that mean?"  
_

_Darry smiled wide, as he touched Pony's shoulder. "It means that, if you want to, you can skip eighth grade, and go to high school a year early."_

_ Soda looked over at the science notebook he'd left open on the floor, seeing the scattered notes on biology he'd tried so hard to comprehend. Even still, he shot Pony a smile. "Great job, little brother. I'm proud of you."_

* * *

"Hey, Sodapop, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Soda paused in the middle of the porch and turned to see Nicholas coming out the front door. "Oh. Yeah, sure."

Nicholas led Soda over to the porch swing, both of them sitting down. "Sodapop, I just want you to know I'm here for you too. I know you've got Darry and obviously, Steve. But still, I'm here if you ever need me."

"Steve's told you a lot, hasn't he? About me, I mean?"

"He has. Not everything, I'm sure. But enough. Even if he didn't, I can see there are things you're struggling with."

"He's okay, right? I don't want him to stop taking care of himself or overwhelm him with the stuff we talk about. But I know I've hurt and scared him sometimes too."

"Steve wants you to keep talking to him, Sodapop. He is okay too. So don't worry."

"I love watching you two together. It felt good to laugh that hard tonight."

"It does feel good, doesn't it? I know exactly what you mean."

"It still bothers me sometimes, Nicholas. It bothers me to think about what Steve went through. It feels weird to know that, for six years, I had no idea."

"It's hard to imagine it not bothering you. You guys love each other as much as any blood brothers. You really haven't even known for all that long either."

"No. I guess not. I just feels like forever since he told me. I've never even told him how much it hurt to hear."

"I'm sure he knows."

"Then, I started remembering more stuff and putting it together. I'll never forget how Steve pulled me away from her. He couldn't protect himself, but he still protected me."

"I need to tell you something, Sodapop. I should have a long time ago."

"What?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you were ever even around someone like Clara. I'm sorry that when I tried to bury everything like the abuse didn't happen, you didn't get to be there for Steve, like you would have been."

"But I still was there for him. He told me I was everyday."

"But still. I apologize for how much you've been affected by this too."

"It's okay. Cause you didn't know about her and what was happening, and I guess you didn't know the best thing to do after either."

"No. I guess I didn't. I screwed up a lot."

"But you're fixing it now."

"I sure am."

"Do you look back and think you should've seen it?"

"Yes. I always have. Even when I wouldn't talk about it with Steve, I'd think about any clues that could've made me figure out what was happening. They were there too, but I didn't see them for what they were."

"I know I was just a kid too, and I never even saw anything, but ever since Steve told me, I've had this picture in my head of him in his bed. And her there with him. I'd forgotten all about Clara even being around, but looking back, I remember her smiling at me all the time and saying weird things. I remember hearing her talking on the phone, telling somebody she'd never touch a child like that. It took me months to tell Steve that part. Cause I felt so bad for not saying anything."

"Steve told me about that, and you know what? I should've talked to you right after. It was never your responsibility to know what she was talking about. You were an innocent kid, Sodapop. An innocent kid, who was the most stable presence in my son's life back then and for years after, even though you weren't aware of how much of a difference you made."

"Thank you. Thank you for saying that."

"I'm saying it because it's true. Steve needed you then, and he still needs you now."

Soda tried to hide the tears that had formed in his eyes. "He's my best friend. I barely even remember my life without him."

Nicholas saw the tears that Soda was holding back, the sight making his own eyes water. "You look like you need a hug again."

Soda felt Nicholas' arms pull him in close. "Seems like I always do lately."

Nicholas held his son's best friend, as he set up a silent prayer. "That's okay. Thank you for being such a good friend to my son. He loves you. And I do too."

* * *

"Hey, isn't that awful cold?"

Soda grinned at Pony, an ice pack resting on his right arm. "Well, yeah, Pone. It is _ice."_

Pony picked up a pillow and swung it at Soda's head, as they both laughed. "You smart ass!"

Soda moved the ice pack from his arm to his fingers, letting its coldness press into them. "I try my best."

"So you're supposed to do that every night or what?"

"Yeah. Pretty much. Day or night, whenever I can. Either this or a heating pad. Doc said to try both cause either one could help with the symptoms I've got."

"Does it feel good?"

"Yeah. I think so." Soda put the ice pack aside and picked up the splint, then started to wrap it around his arm.

Pony watched as Soda secured the velcro that would hold the splint in place. "How is that supposed to help?"

"Doc said something about compression being good for it, like it can help the nerve heal."

"Oh."

Soda switched off the lamp and settled himself into bed, pulling the comforter up over his shoulders. "Hey, Pone, could you put that ice pack back in the freezer for me? I'm going to go ahead and turn in. Good night."

Pony picked up the ice pack, watching his brother's eyes close. "Sure, Soda. Good night. See you in the morning."

* * *

Pony poured himself a glass of chocolate milk, as he sat down across from Darry. "He went to bed kind of early for a Friday night. I can't believe he's still sleeping."

Darry spooned some sugar into a mug of coffee. "Well, he went through a lot this week. Must've worn him out."

"He's seemed pretty good the last couple of nights. Almost normal even."

"I think it's pretty normal to have ups and downs. Especially for Sodapop, since he's usually been one to bounce back quickly. That part of him is still in there."

"Darry, do you think he has that kind of depression, where you get really high, then low again?"

"You mean manic depression? No, Pone. I'm sure that's much more extreme."

"Oh. You're taking him to the doctor next week, right?"

"Yeah."

"You don't think she'll tell Soda anything bad, do you?"

"No. I think she'll just talk to him. I'm not sure exactly how she'll help, but we'll just have to see."

* * *

_Soda waved to Steve, as his best friend made his way down the hall. He then sighed, shoving all of his textbooks in his locker, before slamming it shut. "Man, I'm glad it's Friday."_

_ Soda turned and started to head out into the courtyard, but paused when a blue-eyed blond in a red top and a knee-length skirt caught his eye. Sandy, he thought. Her name is Sandy. She's in my history class._

_ Soda walked toward Sandy, his eyes focused only on her. He flashed her his biggest smile, his confidence soaring when she smiled back. "Hi. You're new here, right? We're in the same history class. I'm Sodapop."_

_ Sandy pulled her hair back into a ponytail, her face only touched up by a bit of makeup. "Oh, I could never forget that name."_

_ "I even got a brother named Ponyboy."  
_

_"I couldn't forget that either. I just moved here from Florida cause my dad got a new job. It was tough leaving my school so late in the year, but folks here seem nice enough."_

_ "Yeah. Tulsa's not too bad mostly. Except for the Soc and Greaser stuff."_

_ "The what?"  
_

_"Nothin'. But maybe I'll have time to explain when you let me take you out tomorrow night."_

_ "Are you asking me on a date, Sodapop?"_

_ "I do believe I am, Sandy. Pick you up around seven?"  
_

_"I can't wait."_

* * *

"Yeah. I told Mr. Coleman I'd come in earlier, so I can get off a little sooner."

Nicholas saw Steve buttoning up his DX shirt, as he set a plate of French toast in the center of the table. "So you're just in time to have some breakfast with me then."

Steve straightened out the collar of his shirt, then joined his dad at the table and served himself two slices of the French toast. "So I'm not trying to be nosy. Or maybe I am. But what were you and Soda talking about last night? You went out the door awful fast to catch him before he left."

Nicholas cut up a slice of French toast, then took a bite of it. "I just wanted to tell him I'm here for him too. I realized I'd said it to you, but never directly to him."

"That's good, Dad. Soda really needs to hear that a lot, I think."

"We talked a little more than that, and I told him I'm sorry for how things affected him too. It's something I should've done sooner."

"Things? What things?"

"With Clara, Son. I apologized to him for all that happened back then, even though he didn't know about it at the time."

"Oh. That's not bothering him, is it? Please tell me it's not."

Nicholas hesitated, uncertain of the level of confidence that existed.

"Dad? Did Soda tell you something?"

"Yes, Son. He did. Not much, but yes."

"You still haven't answered my question. Is what happened to me bothering Soda?"

"He said it does sometimes. But that's not unexpected. Think about it, Son. He hasn't even known for a year."

"That's true."

"He's been your best friend all this time, so that's a painful secret to process."

"I know that. I know it was hard for him. We've talked through a lot of stuff too. But I didn't realize it was bothering him anymore, even if I should have. I mean, I know better than anybody, right? Things don't just go away."

"No. They don't. Especially when they haven't even had time."

"He has said some things that sort of told me he must be thinking about it. But I didn't really catch it, you know? Cause we were talking about now, not back then."

"Maybe you should ask him about this yourself, Son. I really don't think he's trying to keep it from you. He was just talking cause he knew I'd understand when it comes to anything to do with you."

"Yeah. I get that. But maybe I'll ask him about it tonight."

* * *

That hurts, Soda thought, as his eyes opened. I want to sleep. I don't want to wake up.

"Hey, Sodapop. You awake? You gotta get up sometime today."

Soda closed his eyes again, rolling away from the sound of Darry's voice. "Don't want to, Dar."

Darry made his way over to Soda's bed and sat down close to his brother. "Did you have a hard time sleeping last night?"

Soda felt Darry touch the back of his head, his eyes opening once more. "No."

"Is your stomach bothering you again?"

"No."

"Then, why aren't you getting up?"

"Just told you I don't want to."

"Why don't you want to?"

"Cause I want to sleep." If I'm asleep, Soda thought, I can't think.

"It's not good for you to lie in bed all day, Sodapop."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Wake up and get dressed, then have lunch with me."

"Okay."

"It's really nice outside today, little buddy. We can go toss the football around the yard."

Soda, his head still on the pillow, turned to look at Darry. "Okay. I guess I can do that."

Darry nodded toward the splint that was still on Soda's arm. "Was it comfortable enough sleeping with that on?"

"Yeah. It was fine." Soda reached for the velcro straps and started to undo them.

"So what do you want to eat?"

Soda slid the splint off his arm, seeing his scar that had been hidden while he slept. "Doesn't matter, Dar. Just not bologna."

"You sound like Pony."

"It was the last thing I had before I threw up that first time."

"Oh, okay. So no bologna then." Darry saw that Soda was staring at his scar. "It's healed up, little buddy. Looks good."

But it'll always be there, Soda thought. "Yeah. It does." Even when it starts to fade, it'll never, ever go away.

Darry watched Soda for another moment, before he ruffled his hair and stood up. "Well, you get dressed, and I'll start lunch."

Soda sat up in bed, eyes reluctantly wide open, as Darry left him alone. I still don't want to be awake, he thought. Cause when I'm asleep, I don't feel anything. When I close my eyes, nothing can hurt.

* * *

"Hey, Pony, you're supposed to catch the ball, not fall on your ass running after it."

Pony picked himself and the football up off the grass, as he sent TwoBit the finger. "Somehow, I think you have no room to talk."

Soda chuckled, recalling the story Steve had told him only a couple of days before. "He's right, TwoBit! We heard about your trip down the slippery hallway."

TwoBit caught the football Pony had thrown to him, then tossed it to Soda. "Man, I was so graceful about it too. Ya'll should've seen me."

Darry came out the front door, re-joining the others in the yard. "You out here harassing my kid brothers, TwoBit?"

Soda tossed the football to Darry. "Of course he is, Dar. That's what he does best."

* * *

_"Hey, Darry, Pony went with Johnny to the movie house, and I'm about to go on a date."_

_ Darry stood in front of his dresser and pulling a t-shirt over his head, before he looked at Soda. "Okay. Pony said that was what he might do tonight. But who's the girl you're seeing?"  
_

_Soda smiled, despite the questioning in his brother's vocie. "Her name's Sandy."_

_ "And what will you and Sandy be doing tonight?"_

_ "I'll take her to get a bite to eat. Then, maybe we'll go to the drive-in."_

_ "Where will you be eating, and in what vehicle?"_

_ "The Dairy Queen, I guess. And I was going to ask you if I could use your truck."_

_ "All right, little buddy. You can. No tickets. Got me?"_

_ "Yeah. Got it."_

_ "Be home by ten, Sodapop."_

_ "Ten? Darry, isn't that kind of early?"_

_ "No. Not when you're sixteen and going out with a girl. I don't know what time her parents expect her home, but you can be damn sure not too late. I'm not going to have you making a bad impression."_

_ "Come on, Dar. You've been out late with girls lots of times."_

_ "Exactly, little buddy. But not when I was just sixteen. I don't want you getting in any trouble or getting Sandy in trouble."  
_

_"But I ain't going to- you know. That's not what we're planning."_

_ "Not yet, you're not. You got a condom? Cause I swear if-"_

_ "Darry! I ain't saying we'll never. But not tonight. It's our first date. She's not that kind of girl. I can tell."_

* * *

"Man, I haven't seen you with a beer in a while."

Soda put the bottle to his lips, taking a long swallow, as Steve joined him on the Curtis' front porch. "Yeah. Just felt like a drink."

Steve took a seat on the swing, his feet making it sway back and forth. "You haven't had a beer since the time you went to that bar, have you?"

Soda turned to face Steve, leaning against the porch rail, as he took another swallow of beer. "Nah. I haven't. But I sure ain't going to overdo it and make myself sick again. I've been sick enough."

"Soda, can I ask you something?"

"Of course you can, Stevie."

"Come sit down first, man."

Soda did as he was asked, sitting beside Steve, as he eyed what was left in the beer bottle. "I shouldn't drink around you, should I? Cause you can't with your medicine."

"No. It's fine. That really doesn't bother me."

"So what did you want to ask me that I need to sit down for?"

Steve looked around the porch, a memory crystal clear in his own head, as he put his hand on Soda's shoulder. "Do you ever still think about the night I told you I'd been abused?"

"Sure. I think about it sometimes. Why?"

"Cause I've wondered if any of that bothers you now. You've kind of said some things to me that sound like it's on your mind."

"Oh."

"So does it?"

"What?"

"Does it bother you?"

"Yeah. But how could it not? Did your dad tell you something?"

"Only cause I asked and wouldn't let him out of it after he told me he apologized to you."

"Oh. What did he tell you?"

"Just that you said it bothers you sometimes, buddy. Nothing else."

"I don't even know what made me say any of that to him last night."

"I do. He's my dad. You're the two most important people in my life."

"He told me he's here for me too, and next thing I knew, I was kind of pouring my heart out."

"He must've caught you at the right time."

"Yeah. I guess he did."

"I'm wanting to ask more than I just did, man. Cause I remember everything you've told me before."

Soda tipped the bottle back and swallowed the last of the beer, before setting it down. "So just ask then."

"Do you still have that guilt you told me about at the church?"

"Damn, you're going to make me want another drink, Stevie."

"I'm sorry, man. It's just I know how long that kind of shit can stick around and how much it can tear you up inside. And this is about something that happened to me, you dig? So I want to help fix it. If it's bugging you still, I want to make it better."

"It is. It is still bugging me. Not like then. Not all the time. But I guess I do still feel guilty."

"It's not your fault, buddy. I told you before, and I'm telling you again. You were just a kid too."

"You told me what happened to you right here on this porch, Stevie. I'll always remember it."

"Me too."

"When you said she hurt you, everything just kind of stopped, you know? Even when I didn't know what you meant yet. Then, you said she touched you and- and I didn't know what to say at all."

"I just needed you to be there, buddy. And you were."

"It hurt me so bad to see you like you were that night. You had never cried that hard before. I wanted to hug you, and at first, I thought you might not let me."

"That was what I needed, man. And as much as I don't blame my dad anymore, you were the first one to really hear me. You were the first one to tell me it wasn't my fault. You were the first one to tell me it was okay to be real. I didn't have to pretend with you."

"No. You sure didn't. I wanted to help more than anything too. Even if I felt like nothing I said could possibly mean much. When I did hug you, it was like you collapsed into me. I still remember looking up at the sky and praying for anyone listening to help you."

"All of it meant everything, buddy. It still does."

"I would've sat out here with you all night, Stevie. Cause even though you hadn't told me a lot, I knew you needed to talk. I knew that was so much pain to have kept inside all those years. As soon as you said it, I couldn't think of anything but how she'd abused you in the worst way. Cause you should've been able to trust her, and you were just a kid. I'd known something was going on with you and that it had something to do with Clara, but I never would've thought it was this bad. It was hard to realize that had been happening to you without me even knowing about it."

"I remember being so damn terrified after I told you. But you said the right things then too. And you said them all again later when I got to feeling like I regretted saying anything cause I was so afraid of how everybody looked at me."

"You already know I didn't see you any different. Not even for a second."

"Do you know what I was the most scared of, right before you told me about what you'd heard Clara say on the phone?"

"What?"

"I thought you were going to tell me she'd touched you too or that she'd come a lot closer than she did at your house that one night."

"Oh. I didn't know you ever thought that."

"Yeah. So I was kind of relieved. Cause as much as I don't want you feeling guilty for not being able to stop the abuse, just wondering if it happened to you too was a hell of a lot worse."

"What made you wonder?"

"Just cause I knew you were trying to hide something. I could see you were hurting, and you kept seeming like it was going to spill out. So when I saw you sitting at the altar like that, I kind of braced myself inside. Even if you'd tried, I wouldn't have let you go til you got whatever was bothering you so much out."

"Yeah. I could tell you wouldn't have."

Steve put his arm around Soda's shoulders, not expecting it when his best friend then wrapped him in a full hug. "Is there anything left for me to say, buddy? Anything that can make that guilt better?"

Soda kept Steve close, holding onto him just as he had the night he'd revealed the truth about the abuse he'd suffered. "You've said it all, Stevie. Just that you asked me about it helps. Your dad even told me last night that I was the most stable presence in your life back then. That made me cry."

"Cause you were, man. But it means a lot coming from my dad. I know it does."

"Somehow, just knowing he doesn't blame me either for not saying anything means a lot too."

Steve felt Soda squeeze him tighter, as he hugged him back. "I'm sure. I bet you can see how my dad and me are like we are now. He's good to talk to. I love him more than I ever thought I could."

"You've told me all the time lately. So I just want to tell you I love you so much. I mean it, buddy."

Steve pulled away from the embrace, giving Soda a grin. "Damn. And I thought we had a lot of sappy moments between us before."

Soda smiled along with Steve, blinking back the tears in his eyes. "Yeah, now we're two tough greasers, who hug and bawl our eyes out on a porch."

Steve blinked back his own tears, as he relaxed against the porch swing, his eyes not leaving Soda. "But we _are_ the toughest, buddy. We're tough in all the ways that count."


	34. Chapter 34

A broken spirit journeyed on, the embraces of friendship and brotherhood carrying its soul along the path of restoration.

* * *

Voices mingled around the sanctuary, as Steve stood up from the pew. He picked his Bible up, tapping Soda on the shoulder with it. "Hey, man, you can move around now. Service is over."

Soda flinched away from the touch, his eyes on the front of the church near the altar. "Yeah. I know that, Stevie."

"What's wrong now, Soda?"

Soda's gaze quickly shifted to Steve. "What's wrong _now, _huh? Don't even ask if you're going to be that way about it."

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that, and you know it. Just tell me, man."

Soda sighed, his eyes landing on Samuel, who was speaking to Pastor David. "I want to talk to Samuel. But I don't know what to say."

"Aw, buddy, there's nothing you have to say, and you're good at just being there. Talk to him, like you always do. He'll be glad to see you."

* * *

"Yeah. So then I told him you and I danced naked in the street, and it was a blast."

Audrey laughed, hearing Nicholas tell her about the teasing Steve had done a couple of nights before. "I think you're getting better at thinking of comebacks."

Nicholas chuckled, seeing Steve making his way over to them. "Me too. I don't just turn red every time anymore. Do I, Son?"

Steve stopped beside his dad and Audrey, though he was looking over at where Soda stood near Samuel. "Huh? Oh! Yeah. You don't do that as much anymore, Dad."

Audrey turned to Steve. "So you think it's funny we were dancing, huh?"

Steve wrapped an arm around his dad. "Oh, no. Not you, Audrey. Just him."

Nicholas gave Steve a shove. "Which is why I let him know we had such fun dancing naked in the street. Didn't we?"

Audrey linked her arm through Nicholas'. "Yes. We absolutely did. I'd love to do it again sometime."

* * *

"Hey, Samuel? Can I, um, talk to you for a minute?"

Samuel turned at the sound of Soda's voice. "I've got more than a minute for you, Sodapop. Come sit down."

Soda followed Samuel over to a pew on the front row, both of them taking a seat. "I'm so sorry about the baby. How's your wife doing?"

"She's doing okay. She's outside with Grace right now, and I'm sure that's what they're talking about."

"What about you?"

"I'm hanging in there too."

"What I told you at your house that day, I'm sorry if I hurt you or anything. I sure didn't mean to."

"What are you talking about, Sodapop? What did you say that you think hurt me?"

Soda took a quick glance around the sanctuary, making certain no one was within earshot of their conversation, but still lowered his voice. "What I said about the water and drowning. Cause Steve told me what happened to your little boy."

Samuel touched Soda's shoulder and made eye contact with him. "It's okay. You didn't even know that was how Matthew died. If you had, I still would've wanted you to tell me about what happened. I want you to talk to me, no matter what."

"That's what Steve said about it too."

"And he's absolutely right."

"I felt bad after I heard that cause I figured the stuff I said must've made you think of him."

"Honestly, it did, Sodapop. But that's okay. It's not your fault."

"I sure do hear that a lot lately. Only one who blamed me for anything was the counselor I saw one time."

"What happened?"

"A couple of days after I was at your house, I decided to try talking to this counselor. My doctor gave me her name cause I told him some of what was going on with me."

"Okay."

"And she blamed me for getting shot. For dropping out of school too, I think."

"That's terrible. Guilt is such a hard feeling to shake too, especially when it's not logical."

"She was talking about how it happened on the East side of town. Said it wasn't shocking. So I should take responsibility."

"Oh, Sodapop. And coming from someone who's supposed to be trained to help? I'm so sorry. I know you didn't need anyone saying something like that to you."

"I guess you can't train people to care, you know? It kind of made me wonder about anybody else who sees her and what's going on with them. She almost seemed like she just couldn't really believe what I was saying sometimes. Like she couldn't see how I would be bothered about the shooting. Even before she said what she did, I wasn't real comfortable with her. I doubt she minded when I took off."

"She doesn't sound like someone who should be listening to people talk about those kinds of problems. Judgmental, to say the least."

"Oh, believe me, Steve and Darry both had some words for her. They were there with me. Darry talked to her after I ran out cause she said something to them about telling me the truth."

"I'm glad they were there. I know you needed the reassurance."

"Yeah. I did. That turned out to be a real rough night too. But not just cause of that."

"Why then?"

"Cause of the other feelings I've been having. Like the ones I told you about already. But even more too. I started talking to Steve that night and thought I'd never stop."

"Sounds like that was what you needed then."

"Yeah. Guess it was." Soda stopped, looking across the sanctuary to see Vivian and Grace step back inside the church. "Hey, I'm sorry. I'm over here going on and on about myself, but you haven't had it easy either."

Samuel followed Soda's gaze, his eyes meeting Vivian's for a moment. "No. I really haven't. But, like I said, I want you to talk to me, no matter what."

Steve's voice sounded from the door of the sanctuary. "Hey, Sodapop, we're leaving as soon as my dad and Audrey are done kissing in the parking lot."

Samuel shook his head, laughing, as he got to his feet. "Steve, I don't know what Nicholas is going to do with you."

Soda chimed in, as he got up to go toward Steve. "Oh, probably throw him out in their backyard, like he wanted to when they all had dinner together."

Steve stood in the doorway of the church, seeing Audrey wave to Nicholas. "Yeah, preacher guy. Then, I'd have to come and eat at your house."

Samuel joined Vivian by the back row of pews, putting an arm around her waist. "You can do that, as long as you bring me some food too."

Soda came to stand near the open door, looking between Steve and Samuel. "Ya'll are making me hungry."

Steve reached over and clapped Soda's shoulder. "You're the one who mentioned dinner, man." He heard Nicholas beep the car's horn and glanced outside. "Yeah, we're coming, Dad! Don't know why he's in any hurry. He just saw Audrey."

Samuel grinned at Steve, then kissed Vivian's temple. "It's probably because he knows if you were waiting for him, you would be honking the horn."

Steve shrugged, conceding. "Eh, that might be true."

Soda cast a look at his best friend. "Might? Man, one time I was standing out there right in front of you talking to Samuel, and you beeped at me!"

Samuel smiled at the memory, as he took his car keys out of his pocket. "That was cause he wanted to make noise."

Steve nudged Soda's shoulder. "Come on, buddy. We better go, before he leaves us here or something." He turned and waved to Samuel and Vivian. "I'll see you two later."

Soda started to follow Steve out to the parking lot, pausing in the doorway. "Um, Vivian?"

Vivian looked at Soda, her eyes shiny with unshed tears, even as she'd enjoyed listening to the banter around her. "Yes, Sodapop?"

Soda heard the car horn beep at him, as he met Vivian's gaze. "I just want to tell you I'm real sorry. And I'll be praying for you. I ain't sure what to say or what to ask God for. But I'll do my best."

* * *

"Man, isn't that getting really hot?"

Soda adjusted the dial on the heating pad, as he responded to Steve. "You sound kind of like Pony, Stevie."

Steve sent a mock glare in his best friend's direction. "Don't insult me, buddy."

Soda, an amused smile making itself visible, pressed the heating pad to his arm, the warmth covering his skin. "When I had an ice pack on it, he asked me if it was cold."

"Well, yeah, ice _is _cold."

"And electric heating pads are hot."

"Shut up, man."

"Nah. I don't feel like it."

Steve nodded toward Soda's arm. "So has this stuff the doc said to do been helping?"

Soda felt the heat course along his skin, moving the pad to rest on his hand and fingers. "I don't know. Maybe. I know it feels good. It's only been a couple of days anyway."

"Yeah. It'll probably take more time than that."

"I'm sure it will." Everything does, Soda thought. Everything takes so much time to even start to heal. "Hey, Stevie, want to go for a drive or something?"

"Sure, buddy. As soon as you're done with that, we'll hit the road."

* * *

_"Are you sure about this, Soda? I mean, I'm thirteen and you're sixteen."_

_ Soda reassured Pony, as he stacked more of his own clothes into the dresser they were going to share. "Yeah, I'm sure, Pony. I've ended up here just about every night anyway. Might as well move in."_

_ Pony sat down on what was now officially going to be their shared bed, the sheets still rumpled from the night before. "Ain't I too old to need my big brother sleeping next to me?"  
_

_Soda draped himself across the bed, lying on his stomach, elbows propping him up. "Nah. It's got nothing to do with age, Pone. Anybody can have nightmares. It ain't like you think there are monsters under your bed or in the closet. I know you don't remember much about the dreams, but whatever all's happening must feel pretty real."_

_ "Yeah. I just know it's something bad. Not sure what. I just know I can't stop it."_

_ "So if me sleeping next to you helps you calm down, I'll do it as long as you need me to."  
_

_"Even when I don't dream, I like being next to you, Soda. I don't know if that sounds weird or not."_

_ "Nah. It doesn't sound weird at all. Hell, if I'm being honest, I like it too. I guess it's comforting."  
_

_"Darry's talking about taking me to the doctor if I keep having nightmares."_

_ "Might be a good idea."_

_ "I don't know. I just hate the thought of going. It's like I think he'll want to poke around in my brain or something."_

_ "Aw, but we've known Dr. Reese since we were little kids. He's nice enough. And it ain't like he can look in your eyes and ears with that little light and see what's going on in your mind."_

_ "That would be creepy. I think Darry's just tired of hearing me scream at night."_

_ "He wants to help, Pony. Come on, you know that."_

_ "Yeah. I guess. I don't mean to bother ya'll or keep waking you up."  
_

_"Aw, you're not bothering us. Besides, it ain't your fault. You're not choosing to have nightmares, are you?"  
_

_"No."_

_ "All right then. So quit being so tough on yourself. Maybe Dr. Reese will be able to help you sleep better."_

_ "Do you ever have bad dreams, Soda? I mean, I know you don't wake up screaming, but do you dream stuff that's scary at all?"  
_

_"Not that I remember. Everybody dreams though. I'm sure mine can't all be good."_

_ "What do you remember dreaming about?"_

_ "Lots of stuff, I guess. Mostly doesn't make sense. But, lately, I dream about Sandy too."  
_

_"You think you love her?"_

_ "I don't know yet. Maybe. But being with her sure feels real nice."_

_ "Nice how?"_

_ "It just feels right. Like she's the only girl in the world, and nothing could ever go wrong."_

* * *

It's moving so fast, Soda thought, as he stared out the window of the Ford, the black asphalt of the road seeming to race beneath the tires. "The other night, I asked Darry why he loves me."

Steve's foot pressed harder on the gas pedal, making the car pick up speed for a few seconds, before he let it remain at a steady pace. "What did Superman have to say about that?"

Soda's gaze shifted to the windshield, looking at the blue sky above them, its vast array of space stretching past the clouds and up to Heaven. "He said I'm his baby brother, and he can't even remember me not being in his life. That nothing could ever make him stop loving me. He said it's impossible."

"Of course, man. He's your big brother, who'd do anything for you."

"Yeah."

"Look, buddy, the feelings you've got didn't come about the same way. But do you remember what I said to you in the hospital right after my overdose?"

"You told me you were sorry and how much it hurt. That'd you'd just wanted the pain to stop."

"Yeah. But I also told you please don't hate me. One of the times I woke up before that, I remember telling my dad to please still love me. Hell, after we went back to church, I even asked him if God still loved me."

"I sure couldn't imagine hating you, Stevie. I know your dad loves you too. And God always loves everybody."

"That's how afraid I was, man. Cause of what I'd done to myself. I felt so bad at first, it seemed like you guys and even God might not love me anymore."

"But we all still did."

"Exactly. I'll be honest with you, Sodapop. I still get where I feel guilty sometimes cause I know how bad I hurt you guys. I know you'll never forget about it either. But I also know you understand what was going on in my head, that I was never trying to hurt anyone. I was in pain and damn sure wasn't thinking straight. Cause that's what pain does to you. It screws with your head and makes you decide to do things you wouldn't, if you weren't hurting."

Soda stayed quiet, his consciousness treading on the surface of raw transparency, as the Ford moved along peaceful roads heading out to the country.

"That's why I had to keep you talking to me last weekend, man. Cause I knew none of that shit could have so much power over you then. I had to just get you through that night and make sure that pain wouldn't get all the control. Cause as much as I want to believe-"

"Steve, stop the car."

Steve glanced at Soda, seeing how pale his best friend's face had become and hearing his quick intakes of breath. "Are you feeling sick again?"

"Just need the car to stop moving. Please, Stevie."

Steve moved his foot to the brake, slowing the car down, before he drove onto the side of the road.

Soda felt the Ford come to a complete stop in the grass, his breathing slowly evening out.

Steve switched the car off, the key still in the ignition, as he turned to face Soda. "What's wrong, man?"

"It was just the motion. It made me feel funny."

"Since when do you get carsick at all?"

"I don't- I don't know."

"Is it cause of what I was saying to you? Talking about last weekend?"

Soda was silent, as he opened the passenger door. He turned to face the outdoors, sitting on the seat with his feet on the grass.

"You can tell me if it was, Soda. Of course it's hard for you to remember that night. It's hard for me too, buddy."

"Not cause of that, Stevie. It's cause you're right about pain screwing with your head. It makes you do stuff. Or want to, even when you can't cause it ain't there."

"What are you talking about, man? What ain't there?"

"I was going to take it and go to sleep."

"You were going to take what and go to sleep?"

"Do you remember when I had bronchitis a few months ago? With that cough that kept me up at night?"

Steve reached for Soda, gripping the back of his shirt. "I remember. What about it?"

"The cough syrup made me drowsy."

"Yeah. I know it did."

"It even felt kind of good."

"Tell me what happened, buddy."

"That's why I cried myself to sleep last Sunday night."

"You can tell me, Sodapop. I swear I won't be mad at you."

"I was going to take a bunch of the cough syrup. Enough that I wouldn't wake up."

Steve's fist gripped Soda's shirt tighter, as he leaned to rest his head against his best friend's back.

"But it wasn't there. It wasn't in the medicine cabinet."

"I poured it out, Soda. On Friday night."

"What? You did?"

"Cause of what you said about overdosing. I remembered how that stuff made you sleep."

Soda turned back around in the passenger seat, his eyes full of tears that begged to fall. "It wasn't there because you poured it out?"

Steve roughly pulled Soda closer, feeling his own body shake, as he spoke right into his best friend's ear. "Yes. I did." Thank God, he thought. "It wasn't there for you to take because I poured it out." Thank God it was gone. "I poured it down the damn drain."

* * *

_Soda stepped out of the bathroom, bare feet padding down the hall in the dark. He was about to go back into the room he shared with Pony when he paused beside Darry's closed door that was right across from the unoccupied bedroom that had belonged to their parents._

_ Soda heard a faint noise, then pressed his ear to the door, recognizing the sound of crying. Not hesitating for a moment, despite the late hour, he turned the door knob to peek into his big brother's room. "Darry?"  
_

_Darry breathed in at the sound of Soda's voice, attempting to silence his cries. "What is it, little buddy? Something wrong with Pony?"_

_ Soda entered the room and climbed into the bed beside Darry so that they were face to face. "No. I was just on my way back to bed and could hear you crying."_

_ Darry turned over, his body beneath the covers, as he now faced away from Soda. "I'm fine, Soda. You can go back to bed."_

_ Soda wrapped his arm around Darry and laid his head on his brother's shoulder. "It's me, Darry. You don't have to say you're fine."_

_ The shake in Darry's voice gave him away, as he pressed his face into the pillow that had already been soaked in tears. "I know. But I really am."_

_ "You're not." Soda shifted, so that he could put both arms around Darry and hugged him from behind. He felt his big brother clutch onto him, as sobs were released. "Shh. It's okay, Darry."_

_ "I'm supposed to be taking care of you, Sodapop."_

_ "But you are. I can take care of you too, you know. You don't have to do this." Soda squeezed his brother even tighter, holding him in both the darkness of night and of grief. "I'm here, so you never have to cry alone."_

* * *

"I can't believe I just told you that on the side of the damn road."

Steve started the car back up, as Soda closed the passenger door. "I think sometimes getting a little far away makes things spill out. It has for me."

Soda's head dropped, his eyes closing to hold back the tears that still remained. "I'm so sorry, Stevie."

Steve reached for Soda's hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "It's all right, buddy. I'm glad you got it off your chest. Especially if that's what's been making you sick."

"I don't know if I would've done it or not."

"I know exactly what you mean." Steve shifted the car into gear, checking for traffic before he crossed the road and made a U-turn.

"And it is why I've been sick."

Steve switched gears, as the car picked up speed, heading back toward the main part of town. "I figured it must be since you said that was last Sunday night."

"Darry heard me crying right after and stayed with me all night. But I just couldn't tell him. I did write it down, like you told me I should."

"Good, man. I'm glad you did."

"I felt better after that. You were right."

Steve's eyes remained on the road ahead of them, as he reached over and squeezed Soda's shoulder.

"Steve, are you upset?"

"I'm not mad at you, buddy, if that's what you mean."

"You looked in the medicine cabinet cause of what I said?"

"Yeah. I couldn't get it out of my head, man. Especially knowing how I'd been."

"I'm glad you poured it out. Cause I really might've done it. I told God I was sorry."

"He understands, man. I know he was listening too."

"That medicine made me sleep so hard when I took it before. It wasn't even that long ago, but then, I never would've thought about taking more that I was supposed to. I never would've thought about-"

Steve's hand touched Soda's shoulder again, as he interrupted him. "Sodapop, I'm not trying to shut you down. I swear I'm not, buddy. And I'm not upset with you at all. But can we just get home before we talk about this anymore?"

"Oh. Okay."

"Just cause I'm driving, man. That's all."

"I bet you and Darry will both be real glad when I go to that doctor. Cause maybe then, you'll have me off your backs."

"You've got to be fuckin' kidding me right now, Soda. Is that what you think is happening?"

"Well, it'd be easier on ya'll if I'm talking to her instead, right?"

"I swear I'm about to pull this car over again and knock some sense into you, man. I don't want you to stop talking to me! Doctor or no doctor, you better talk to me too cause I still want to be here for you! Did I stop telling you stuff after I started seeing Laura? Hell, no! Me and Darry both want you to see Dr. Morgan because we know she can help you in ways we can't. That's it, man. It's not cause we want you off our backs. So get your head out of your ass and listen to what I've been telling you, Sodapop! Stop listening to the shit in your head that's lying to you about yourself. Please!"

Soda fell silent, staring out the window, just as he had earlier.

"I don't mean to yell at you, buddy. It just kills me inside to know you could ever think the things that you are. I know you've been listening, so please take it all to heart. Please know I'm telling you the truth."

"I guess I don't really believe that about the doctor. It's just something that's been in my head sometimes, you know?"

"Yeah. I get it, man."

"Cause I feel like I keep hurting ya'll, so if I'm just talking to her, I won't do that anymore."

"But you're not going to quit talking to me or Darry. You got it?"

"I got it."

"And that's not why we want you to go to this doctor. We're not pushing you away. You hear me?"

"Yeah. I hear you."

"I only asked you to wait til we get home to say anymore about what happened because I want to be able to listen and be here with you, not trying to focus on the road too."

"I know it's hard to listen to, Stevie. You can tell me. I remember how I felt when you started struggling like that. It was so damn scary."

"It is scary, buddy. Even scarier when it's a secret though. So, if you want to, when we get back to my house, you can tell me everything."

* * *

_"You did what? Darry's going to blow a gasket, Sodapop! And you damn well know it!"_

_ Soda pulled Steve aside, away from the office's door and the curious eyes that roamed the high school hallway. "I dropped out, Steve. You heard me. I already put in an application at the DX."_

_ Steve grabbed the front of Soda's shirt and pulled him out the nearest set of double doors, his teeth clenched along with his fists. "Darry's going to kill you, man! You said you'd give it more time. How are you just not going to be in school anymore, huh?"  
_

_"I did give it more time, Steve! All I'm passin' is gym and auto mechanics, and I can't let Darry do this by himself anymore, man! I don't want me and Pony to get taken away by the state."_

_ Steve's fists slowly unclenched, as he released his hold on Soda. "What the hell are you talking about? Why would you get taken away from him?"_

_ "The damn bills, Stevie. Darry's drowning in them, and he's exhausted. Me being here is just a waste of time anyway. You're in good with Coleman, right? Put in a good word for me, will you?"  
_

_"Of course I will, man. But what are you going to say to Darry?"_

_ "I'm just going to tell him. He ain't going to be happy at first."_

_ "That's a hell of an understatement."_

_ "But it's my choice, not his. He ain't ever going to admit he needs help to keep us all together. I know you don't like it, man, but I really need you to back me up right now."_

_ "Yeah. I've got your back, buddy. Don't worry about that. I can't even be pissed about it now when I know why you're doing it."_

_ "Staying with my brothers means a lot more to me than school ever could. Pony's doing real good too, and I want to keep it that way for him."_

_ "Of course you do. But are you sure about this, Soda? You've thought about it a lot? I know you're looking out for them, but somebody's gotta look out for you too."_

_ "Yeah. I'm sure. It's all I've been thinking about. Darry's doing everything for us, and I can't let it all fall apart."_

* * *

"My dad probably went over to Audrey's. He does that a lot lately. Did I tell you they had a glass of wine together one night?"

Soda heard Steve's voice speaking to him, as the bedroom door clicked shut. "No. You didn't tell me that."

Steve sat down on the floor across from Soda, leaning back against the foot of his bed. "Yeah. I mean, I didn't get upset or anything, but it bothered him that he drank at all. Even though it was just a glass of wine. I told him it's up to him what he does, but I don't want him feeling guilty. So it's probably better not to drink."

"Probably."

"Do you want to talk anymore about what you told me, man? We don't have to. You just look like you're thinking something."

"We've done this so much lately, Stevie."

"Done what so much?"

"Talked about stuff. Cried. All of it."

"Yeah. But that's okay. If it's what you need, that's all that matters."

Soda looked down at his hands that were in his lap, as Steve scooted close to his side. "I do. I want to talk about it more."

Steve reached for one of Soda's hands, holding it tight. "Then do it, man. Don't worry about talking too much or crying too much or anything like that. It's just me and you here."

"You already know what was going on that night with Pony and all."

"Yeah. Sure won't ever forget that."

"Did you think he was going to tell you I hurt myself or something? He said he scared you."

"He did, and I did think that. I couldn't help it after listening to how you'd been feeling, and it's not like the kid usually shows up at my front door."

"I knew if Pony ever found out I felt like that, he wouldn't handle it so great."

"He's come around though, right? He's talked to me since then, and even I'm giving him some credit. The kid loves you so much, Sodapop. And I'm not saying you did anything wrong that night, but it seems worse to me to just overhear something like that. That's not the same as sitting him down and being honest."

"I know. He just reacted."

"Not the right way, but like I said, he's coming around. So what else happened after I left?"

"Nothing really. Pony told me he was sorry. I apologized to him too. But I don't know, Stevie. I felt funny. More numb than anything else. I made sure Pony knew I wasn't mad at him and told him and Darry both I love them, then went to bed."

Steve's mind flashed with the image of red liquid going down the drain, and he put his other hand over Soda's. "So when did you start thinking about what you told me?"

"Not long after that. I mean, I was already feeling it right when I was talking to my brothers. Like what you said before, feeling cold inside. So I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. And I remembered how good I slept with that medicine. Before, I never would've thought about this, but I wanted to sleep like that forever."

"So you went to find the cough syrup, and it was gone?"

"Yeah. I opened the medicine cabinet, and I was shaking so bad. I looked all up and down the shelves, like I thought I was just missing it."

"Damn, buddy. I'm so glad I poured it out. So thankful."

"Me too, Stevie."

"It's cause you were so honest. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. I know. So, like I already told you, I went to bed and cried. I didn't say anything to Darry about where the medicine might be cause it wasn't like I could've explained why I was looking for it."

"He knows what I did already, man. I told him when you were still out with Penny Saturday night."

"So he knows what I said about overdosing?"

"Yeah. He knows it was in your head. He'd asked me if there was anything you were thinking about doing, so I had to tell him, buddy. About that and the water. Anything to make sure you're safe."

"He hasn't said anything to me about it at all."

"I'm sure he will if he thinks he needs to. Not like it's easy to bring up. But I know he always tells you he wants you to talk to him. This ain't an exception."

"Yeah. I know it's not. I think it makes Darry feel a little better when I talk to him too since he can't really fix it all, like he wants to."

"Sounds like me and Superman have that in common when it comes to you."

"Yeah. I guess you do."

"When you got sick on Monday, it was because you were keeping that a secret?"

"Pretty much. I kept thinking about it all the time. I told God I wasn't really going to do it. But I don't know if that's true. The only thing I know is I felt like I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. It scares me to think I could've taken that medicine, Stevie, and it scares me to think about dying all the time."

Steve could see the tears on the edge of falling from Soda's eyes, as he gave his hand a squeeze. "I know, man. I can see why you were having such a hard time those few days especially."

"She won't try to make me stay in a hospital or something, will she?"

"You mean Dr. Morgan?"

"Yeah. If I tell her all this, will she make me go like where you were?"

"I don't think so, buddy. Not unless she believes you will hurt yourself. She won't put you there just cause you've thought about it. Is that what you've been worried about?"

"Yeah. Part of it."

"Aw, Sodapop. She won't do anything that ain't necessary to protect you." Steve let go of Soda's hand and gripped each of his shoulders. "Please look at me, man."

Soda's eyes met Steve's, as a few tears finally slipped to his cheeks. "Yeah?"

"Be honest with her at your appointment, okay? Tell the truth about everything she asks you, even if you're worried or scared."

"K. I will."

"Come here, buddy." Steve pulled Soda into his arms, as gratitude and fear tangled together within his heart.

Soda rested his head on Steve's shoulder, feeling himself shake inside, while he cried. "You've done this so much too."

"What? Hugged you?"

"Yeah."

"I know. But that's okay too, man."

"If you hadn't poured the cough syrup out, I could be dead. I could've taken a lot of it and fallen asleep. And my brothers wouldn't have known to get me help."

"But that didn't happen. You're here. I know exactly what's going through your head right now, man. But you didn't do it, and you're here."

"It's so hard not to keep thinking about it. It's so hard not to think about what it would've felt like. But I just wanted that hurt to go away. I just wanted-"

Steve heard Soda's voice catch, a sob choking him, at the same time he felt him trembling. "Shh. Damn, buddy. I can feel you shaking. Just try to relax. You don't gotta talk anymore. You can cry it out. I'm just going to sit here and hold you right now. Cause it's what you need." It's what you need, he thought, grieving tears on his own face, as he held tight to his friend, who was more like a brother. And it's what I need too.

* * *

_"Darry, I've got something I need to tell you."_

_ Darry moved about the kitchen, glancing at Soda, as he opened the refrigerator. "What is it? It's getting kind of late, and I need to get ready for tomorrow."_

_ Soda took a step closer to his brother, bracing himself inside. "I dropped out of school."_

_ Darry felt the cold air from the refrigerator, forgetting why he'd even opened it. He slammed the door closed and turned to Soda. "What the hell do you mean, Sodapop Patrick? Is this some sort of joke?"_

_ "No. It ain't a joke. I dropped out, and I've already got a full-time job lined up."_

_ "No, Sodapop. Forget it. You're going back to school, and that's final. I'm putting my foot down. You're sixteen. You belong at school."_

_ "No, Darry. You and Pony belong at school. I don't. I never have. I know all that means a lot to ya'll, but it's nothin' to me."_

_ "Nothing, huh? So what kind of job did you get at sixteen, Sodapop? What kind of job is going to be better than staying in school and getting a diploma?"_

_ "Same place Steve works part-time. The DX station."_

_ "So you're going to pump gas for the rest of your life now?"_

_ "That ain't what I'm saying, but I like working with cars. I wasn't going to pass this year anyway. You know that. Don't even pretend you thought any different."_

_ Darry slammed a closed fist down on the kitchen counter. "Damn it! You're not doing this. I'm taking your ass back to that school in the morning, and you're fixing this. I'm not going to sit back and let you make a mistake you'll regret for the rest of your life!"_

_ Soda took a few steps closer to Darry, his gaze meeting that of his big brother. "I'm not going back to school, Darry. It's not your choice to make, it's mine. You ain't even denying what I said about passing cause you know it's true."_

_ Darry grabbed a hold of Soda's shirt sleeves and tugged him even closer. "I'm your guardian, Sodapop Patrick. And so help me, you're going to stay in school. I'll find a way to help you pass your classes."_

_ "When? In between visits after me and Pony get taken away cause we ain't got enough money for everything?"_

_ "That's not going to happen. I told you I can manage."_

_ "How? By working yourself to death? And how good does it look if you're working so much, you're never home with us?"  
_

_"How good do you think it looks if I've got my kid brother dropping out of school to help pay bills?"_

_ "It ain't like you're asking me to do it. You wouldn't ask. And I may be dumb in school, but that ain't a hard answer, Darry."_

_ "You're not dumb, Sodapop. Don't say that about yourself."_

_ "Well, I ain't smart the way you and Pony are. But this ain't about that anyway, and you already know it. You asked me how it looks, and you know what? It looks like a brother helping out his family. We're all we got left, Darry, and I'm not about to risk losing that."_

* * *

Thank you, God, for keeping him safe, Steve prayed within himself, as he gave Soda one more squeeze. Thank you for taking care of him.

Soda slowly pulled back from the embrace, finding a steady voice now that he was a little calmer. "You were praying, weren't you?"

"How'd you know that?"

"It's just the look you get on your face. I can tell. And, well, I can see why you would be praying right now."

"I always pray for you, buddy. Same as you did for me."

"I really need it too, Stevie." Soda felt Steve's hand on his shoulder, as he looked up, knowing he'd seen the intervention of God in the past. "I need all the prayers I can get."


	35. Chapter 35

Sincerity encompassed their hearts, intentions always genuine and pure, love constantly at the forefront of every battle.

* * *

The veil of trust encircled Laura's office, as Steve spoke the thoughts he'd yet to fully reveal to anyone else. "It's not bothering me like it was, but I hate to even think that anything to do with Sodapop could remind me of Clara. It just seems wrong. It _is _wrong."

Laura's green eyes caught Steve's gaze, before he could look away. "I very much understand why you'd never want to associate something Sodapop did with Clara or her death, but I also want you to know you aren't wrong to draw that connection. You're not comparing your abuser and your best friend, Steve. You're simply linking the present to the details you know about the past."

Steve pulled his eyes away from Laura's. "I know that. I mean, I really do, but I hate how I saw that little bit of blood and thought of her with the knife. I pictured Clara bleeding just like Grace told me about. That hurts cause this was Soda I was looking at. This was Soda drawing blood with his own fingernails because he wanted to shut off his feelings."

"Exactly. It hurt you to see Sodapop like that. Of course it did. I'm sure it shocked you. Just as it shocked you to hear about Clara's death. Both are things you didn't expect. Though for very different reasons, both scared you. The situations aren't the same at all, but the emotions they evoke for you have a lot in common."

"I know it's not like he was doing anything dangerous, but I still thought of Soda doing what she did. I couldn't help it. I don't really believe he would do that to himself, but with the way he's been since the shooting, I'm not sure what to expect anymore."

"You're worried for your best friend's life and connecting that back to Clara's suicide."

"Yeah. I guess so. Cause as much as it messed with me to even hear about her death, that's nothing compared to what it would do to me if something ever happened to Soda. I can't even stand to think about it."

"You told Sodapop about Dr. Morgan, right?"

"Yeah. I did. And after I saw what I did, I told him he has to go. His brother called and made the appointment, even though Soda's been back and forth about it. I think he's feeling kind of like I did when I first met you, and he's just worried how it'll go. But he needs to do it. I swear I've been trying to block out what he told me yesterday. I didn't even mention it to my dad."

"What did Sodapop tell you, Steve? If you feel like you need to block it out, I'm certain it's something we should address, before it becomes too overwhelming for you."

Steve was quiet, as he got to his feet and walked over to the office window, lifting a hand to touch the yellow curtains that hung over it.

"You can keep standing and moving around, if you need to."

Steve turned and walked back to his chair, then pulled it nearer to Laura's. "Is it okay if I sit here? You know, closer to you? I mean, I know you're my counselor, and it's all professional and stuff, but..."

"That's fine, Steve. Anything that makes you comfortable."

Steve sat back down in his chair, searching for the words to begin. "Me and Soda went for a drive yesterday. Not for any real reason. Just something to do, I guess."

"Okay. Go on."

"We were talking about stuff, and I started saying how I still feel guilty about my overdose sometimes. But I still know I wasn't thinking straight. I was in pain, and it screwed with my head. I told Soda that pain makes us do things we wouldn't, if we weren't hurting. So that's why I got him to keep talking to me that one night. I didn't want the pain to get control over him at all cause I know what that power is like."

"You've come so far in giving yourself compassion, even while acknowledging the existing guilt. You know how you feel, but you also know what's true."

"Yeah, and I was about to tell Soda I never want to believe he could hurt himself, but then he wanted me to stop the car. He looked sick, and it's not like he gets motion sick or anything, so I thought it must be what we were talking about."

"And was it?"

"Kind of. I pulled the car over, and Soda told me I was right about how pain screws with your head. He didn't make any sense at first, but he was saying how it makes you want to do stuff and something about _it _not being there. And then, he was talking about going to sleep and asking if I remembered the cough syrup he had to take for bronchitis a while back."

Laura watched Steve, as she listened to him, able to see his delayed reactions begin to surface, as his eyes closed and his breathing became fast paced. She leaned a little closer to him, her voice the calming reassurance she knew he needed to finish explaining. "Steve, you're okay. You're just here with me. I'm not sure what's in your mind right now, but I can see you're beginning to panic. Take a deep breath."

Steve did as Laura asked, eyes still closed, as he then took a series of slow, calming breaths. "As soon as Soda said that, I got this bad feeling. I got scared. I remember how drowsy that medicine made him. I went in the bathroom that one night Friday night and poured that stuff out. Cause Soda had told me he thought about overdosing on something that would just make him sleep."

Laura saw Steve's eyes open back up, as she spoke. "So what did Sodapop tell you yesterday that had to do with this medicine? Did he see that it was gone?"

Steve leaned forward, hands pressing against his face, his voice trembling. "Yeah. He said he was going to take a bunch of the cough syrup and go to sleep."

"That's what wasn't there. Even though his pain was affecting his perception and decisions, the medicine wasn't there for him to act within that."

Steve felt hot tears fall out of his eyes and onto his cheeks. "It was awful to hear that, Laura. It really was. I was shaking and just grabbed Soda. It didn't even matter that were in my car on the side of the road. I grabbed him and held onto him and told him I poured the medicine down the drain."

Laura scooted to the edge of her chair, a hesitating hand reaching out to her client. "Is it okay if I touch your shoulder, Steve?"

Steve nodded, voice wobbling, as he spoke. "Yeah. It's- it's fine."

Laura rested her hand on Steve's shoulder, gently speaking to him. "I just thought the contact may help because I know this is painful for you to discuss. What's in your mind right now? What are you feeling and remembering?"

"It hurts. I think a shock kind of came over me, and that was the only reason I didn't lose it right then. That was the only reason I was able to drive us home after."

"Your mind was processing what you'd learned and cushioning the blow, so to speak."

"Yeah, and I kept saying to myself that I poured it out. Cause I had to remember it wasn't even there. Soda couldn't have done what he was thinking about cause it was already gone."

"But it's still painful to know that intention was there."

"Yeah. Cause he said he doesn't know if he would've done it or not. I don't either. I told him I wasn't mad at him, and I'm really not. But it's hard because I have this picture in my head now. It's so strong, I had to tell Soda to please wait til we got home to tell me anymore cause I couldn't focus on the road at the same time. I hated doing that too cause I never want to stop him from talking."

"It's understandable though, Steve. And I know Sodapop can certainly empathize."

"Yeah, he can. I've thought about that too cause it sure hit him hard when I first came close to taking those pills. But I couldn't drive and cope with my own feelings and be there for him the way I needed to be for something like that."

"You're right. You couldn't do that and drive safely. So I take it you two finished driving home. Then, what else?"

"We just went back to my house. Soda told me the rest about that night and what he was thinking. We talked like we always do."

"Steve, you told me you have a picture in your head now, and you said it's strong. Do you want to tell me about it?"

Still feeling Laura's hand on his shoulder, Steve lifted his feet off the floor and curled up on the chair, cheek resting on his knee. "I do. But I don't know if I can. As much as my dad's here for me now, and as much as I love him, Soda's always been here for me. He's always been the best friend, the best brother. He's the only person in my life I've always been able to count on."

"Like I've said before, he's a constant in your life. I want to help you with this because, from everything you've told me in all of our time together, I know how much Sodapop means to you, what this friendship is to both of you. Which means I also know this is a deep struggle for you. It would be for anybody, but for you especially, it's important to share. It's important for you to verbalize what's going on in your mind."

Steve closed his eyes, hugging his knees to his chest. "I keep picturing Soda with that medicine bottle. It's like I can just see him taking it. Drinking down all of it. I watched that stuff go down the drain, but I have this in my head. It gets even worse than that though cause it doesn't stop there."

"Where else does this image lead, Steve? I'm not wanting to push you into discussing it, but I do want to encourage you to do so. That's why I'm asking."

Steve tucked his head into his lap, eyes peeking out at Laura, as he attempted to form words that could describe the tragic image he was carrying. "It's- it's Soda being gone. It's him lying there. Dead."

* * *

_"Darry, stop! Just stop! I've already made up my mind. I wasn't askin' for your permission."_

_ Darry narrowed his eyes at Soda, his middle brother's tone and certainty striking him. "Do not talk to me that way, Sodapop Patrick."_

_ Soda's eyes met Darry's, not backing down. "You can stop middle-naming me. You may be my guardian now, but you're not my parent."_

_ "The hell I'm not! I'm the adult in charge, Sodapop! That makes me your parent."_

_ "You ain't even four years older than me, Darry."_

_ "Doesn't matter. I'm in charge of you and Ponyboy, and I saw you are going back to school."  
_

_"No, I'm not. I don't want to fight with you. It ain't like I was going to college or anything."_

_ "You could if you applied yourself and-"_

_ "No, I couldn't. Damn it, Darry. I'm doing this for you, and you know that!"_

_ "But what about you, Sodapop? What about your future?"_

_ "What future? I wasn't even going to pass the tenth grade. It's better for me to be making money. We need money, so don't pretend like we don't."  
_

_"I'm making the money! I'm the guardian, the adult. You're still a kid!"_

_ "Darry, we've already been through all this. It's my decision, not yours! Why can't you just admit you need some help? Forget the damn pride!" _

_ "Because I want what's best for you, little buddy. Don't you know that?"_

_ "Of course I know that. But I want what's best for you too, Dar. And that's not this. It's not working two jobs and barely making ends meet and being so damn exhausted all the time. You're taking care of us, and you don't deserve that."_

_ "You deserve an education! It doesn't matter if I'm exhausted. It matters that you and Pony both have what you need."_

_ "School ain't what I need! I need to help you. I need to be there for you and for Pony. He's the one who needs school. He's the one who can get somewhere with it!"_

_ "The state ain't going to like this, Sodapop."_

_ "It ain't like I'm getting in any trouble. I'm doing something useful. And, like I said, you didn't ask me to do it. I'm making the choice. Who knows if I would've stayed in school even if Mom and Dad were here. I might've dropped out anyway."_

_ "They never would've let you do that."_

_ "If you ask me, dropping out is a hell of a lot better than staying and failing, Darry. I don't even feel like I'm giving up anything, really."_

_ "But you still are."_

_ "But you're more important. You and Pony both are. So be mad for a while, if you want to, but what's done is done."_

* * *

"Hey, Stevie, you nappin' or somethin', man?"

Steve turned over and opened his eyes to see Soda in the doorway of his bedroom. "Or somethin'."

Soda studied Steve's face, the tell-tale signs of tears all over it. "Are you okay?"

Steve gave Soda a grin, as he sat up in bed, opening the science notebook that was beside him. "Yeah. I'm okay."

Soda saw Steve's eyes roam over the lines of diagrams and information, then sat down on the edge of the bed, before closing the notebook.

Steve stared at the spiral bound cover for a moment, Soda's hand firmly on top of it. "I need to finish looking over that, man."

"No, you don't. Not while you look like that."

"Okay. So I cried earlier. Big damn deal. You know I saw Laura today."

"You never let me tell you I'm okay when you know I'm not."

"I'm fine now, Soda. I got it all out of me. I told Laura what I needed to tell her."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. You can let me finish studying. And tell me how work was today."

Soda moved his hand off the notebook, letting Steve open it. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"I get worried about you sometimes, Stevie."

"I know. But I swear I'm taking care of myself. I'm not going to lose it or anything, man. You don't gotta worry."

"Okay. So long as I know you're doing what you need to do."

"I am, buddy. I am." Steve turned the page of his science notebook, studying what he'd written. "So did you talk to Coleman today? I know you were supposed to tell him how your appointment went, right?"

"Yeah. But he was off today. So I'll tell him about it tomorrow."

"Maybe soon, he'll let you do more work in the garage."

"I hope so. The most I've gotten to do with cars lately is oil changes." Soda watched his best friend, seeing him going over the class notes. "Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember how you used to go to your mom's grave to just, I don't know, be there?"

"Sure, man."

"Did that make you feel closer to her?"

"I guess it must have. Especially with the way things were between me and my dad then, something about it just helped me."

"I've been thinking about going to my parents' graves. I've only been back once, and it was right after their funeral."

"If you want to, you should do it."

"But I guess I was just wondering if- if you'd come with me?"

"Sure I would, buddy. But that's not something you'd want to do with Darry or Pony?"

"I don't know. I mean, they haven't gone back there either."

"Not that you know of. Remember how it turned out both me and my dad had been going to my mom's grave?"

"Yeah. I remember."

"And you know, even if your brothers haven't gone, they'd do it for you, if you want to."

"Yeah. I guess it's just that I already know you get why I want to. Cause you were going through a real hard time too when you started going to the cemetery. I mean, I have a lot more memories with my parents than you got to have with your mom, but-"

"That ain't a contest either, buddy. And you don't gotta sit here and explain. Whenever you want to, I'll go with you."

* * *

_"What do you mean you dropped out of school? Is that why Darry's looked mad all night?"_

_ Soda lie down in bed beside Pony, turning over to face him. "Yeah. That's why he's pissed."_

_ Pony lie flat on his back, turning his head to see Soda's expression with its certainty in place. "But, Soda, that ain't you."_

_ "What ain't me?"_

_ "A drop-out. It makes you sound like a delinquent or something."_

_ "Well, I sure ain't that. It's not some awful thing to do. Darry will get over it too."_

_ "Probably going to take him a long time. Why'd you do it, Soda? You're smart."_

_ "No, I ain't, Pone. Not like that anyway. Just with cars and people and stuff. It makes more sense for me to help Darry pay the bills and all."_

_ "But you're only sixteen. How can you do that?"_

_ "I'm going to work full-time at the DX station."_

_ "You're not going to miss being at school?"_

_ "I don't know. Maybe I'll miss some stuff."_

_ "I'm going to high school next year, Soda. I might need you, and you won't be there with me."_

_ "I'm sorry, Pone. But I'll be here. It ain't like I won't still be in your life. Just not at school."_

_ "Who's going to look out for me then?"_

_ "You'll have the guys. They've got your back, as much as I would."_

_ "I don't know about that. Maybe Johnny, but not Steve or TwoBit."_

_ "Aw, the gang cares about you, Kiddo. You know that."_

_ "Yeah. I guess so."_

_ "No guessin' to it. I'll tell you what. I'll have talk with them about it when the time comes."_

_ "Especially Steve?"_

_ "Yeah. I'll tell them to be sure they look out for you. They will, you'll see."_

* * *

"Told you they wouldn't be that hard to find."

Soda stared at the two simple headstones in the ground, hearing Steve's voice from behind him. "Yeah."

Steve took a step closer to Soda, touching his shoulder. "I'll be close by, buddy. But I'm going to give you some space."

Soda's eyes moved over the names engraved in the stones, permanently marking the resting places of _Darrel Curtis Sr. _and _Elaine Curtis. _He looked at the ground, seeing how the graves were no longer fresh, grass covering the dirt that had filled the holes. "Don't, Steve. Don't go anywhere."

"Okay. I'll just stay right here then, man."

Soda looked around the cemetery, seeing the surrounding graves that made up its array of death and demise. His gaze then moved back to his parents' graves, eyes staring at the ground, as this place evoked not memories, but raw images of eternal stillness.

"Soda? You okay?"

Soda pictured eyes that were closed forever and trapped bodies beneath the ground, decay turning them into bones that no longer carried life or flesh. "This wasn't a good idea, Stevie."

"We don't have to stay, buddy."

Soda took a step backwards, reaching to grip Steve's shirt, as his thoughts fell pray to darkness. "Please. Let's go. This just makes it worse."

Steve put his arm around Soda, squeezing his shoulders. "Sure, man. Let's get out of here."

Soda remained where he stood, eyes boring into the ground. They're not alive, he thought. Nothing out here is alive.

"It's totally up to you, buddy. But if being here is making anything worse, you probably shouldn't stay. That's okay. It's not a big deal."

Soda felt his grip on Steve's shirt get tighter, his body growing tense. My parents are dead, he thought. They're all dead. They're all bones that don't feel anything.

Steve gave Soda a small shake, noticing the far-away look in his eyes. "Snap out of it, man. Whatever's in your head right now sure as hell ain't something you need to get lost in."

Nothing out here feels any pain, Soda thought. "Yeah. You're right." They're all under the ground. "It's not." Buried within the Earth. "I don't feel so good. Let's go." Where they never have to hurt. Their breaths ceased and spirits forever at rest in the peace of eternity.

* * *

_"So what were you wanting to tell me? Why haven't I seen you at school lately?"  
_

_Soda felt Sandy's arms around his waist and drew her closer. "Cause I'm not going back. I got a full-time job at the DX station. I have to help Darry."_

_ Sandy pulled away, so she was looking right at Soda's face. "But he has two jobs, right? Doesn't he want you to stay in school and graduate?"  
_

_"Yeah. He's got two jobs, but it's barely enough, and all he does is work. He wants me to stay in school, but it was my choice to drop out. He ain't happy about it right now."_

_ "So you're just going to be working at the DX now?"  
_

_"Yeah. I wasn't going to pass this year anyway, Sandy. You know how important it is for me and my brothers to stay together, and we need money for that."_

_ "It's not important for you to get a diploma, Sodapop?"_

_ "No, not really. I mean, I know it's supposed to be, but it's not. It ain't like I'm Ponyboy and going to college or something."_

_ "Well, I'll miss seeing you at school."_

_ "I'll miss seeing you there too. But we can still spend plenty of time together."_

_ "Yeah."_

_ "How about I take you dancing tonight?"_

_ "Sure. I'd like that a lot, Sodapop."  
_

_Soda's face lit up with a smile, as he took Sandy's hand. "We'll dance and have some fun." He leaned so that his face lingered in front of hers and pressed a kiss to her lips, before his voice dropped to a near whisper. "Then, me and you will have a real fun time alone."_

* * *

"All right. I'm just going to ask. What the hell were you thinking about out there, man?"

Soda felt a fingernail begin to press into his arm and pulled the hand away from the skin, before looking at Steve, who was beside him on the steps of the Randles' back porch. "It's a cemetery. It made me think about death. I wasn't thinking about Mom and Dad at all."

Steve inhaled a long puff of the cigarette in his hand, breathing out the smoke, before he replied. "That's okay. The same things don't always help everyone."

"But I think it would've before. Cause it didn't bother me like that to be in a cemetery the times I was there with you."

"I think your head's in a different place now than it was. So things affect you in a different way than they did then."

"Yeah, cause I didn't think about death all the time before. And when I did, I didn't think of it like this."

Steve closed his eyes, lips pressed to hold the cigarette in his mouth, as he tried to breathe in any semblance of relaxation. He then blew smoke into the fresh air, the feeling short-lived. God, help me, he thought. You gotta help me here. "Like what?"

"Like it's some kind of relief."

Steve threw his cigarette to the ground, stomping hard on it. "Do you know why I was crying earlier?"

"No. Why?"

"Cause it hurts like hell to think of you dying. There's no pain I've felt that could be worse. And that's saying something after what I've been through."

"Yeah. It is. It hurt me when I thought about you dying too, Stevie."

"I know it did. That's one reason I'm telling you this, man. Would it have been a relief if I had died?"

"No. Of course not. It would've been terrible. You know that. I've said so much to you about it."

"I knew the answer already, buddy. I just want you to see something. Cause even if you feel like death would be a relief, it's still not true. I thought the same thing, or I never would've tried to kill myself."

"At the cemetery, it was like I just kept looking at the ground and thinking of what's under it."

"Dead people?"

"Well, yeah, but people that don't feel pain or anything. Bodies and bones that can't hurt anymore."

"That's all it's about, man. The pain you've got inside. You know what else I think?"

"What?"

"You were relieved the cough syrup was gone, and you were scared because you don't know if you would've taken it or not. So that tells me you do know the truth under all this shit. These feelings and impulses make you blind to it sometimes, but you're not in so deep that you can never see it. If you were, you would've been pissed at me for pouring the stuff out."

"I'm glad you did that, Stevie. I really am."

"That's cause you still know it'd be anything but a relief for you to be dead. You know the best word to describe what it would be?"

"What?"

"Devastating. For me, for your brothers, for Penny, for everyone who knows you." Steve put his hand on Soda's back and rubbed it gently, swallowing hard, before he continued. "And for you too, buddy. Cause you deserve to be here with us. You deserve to feel better. You've got the kindest heart, man. The best in the world. So no matter what's hurting, please always remember you're Sodapop Curtis, and this pain is not who you are. And even though it feels like it, cause believe me, I know it does, it won't be there forever."

* * *

_"So what do we do now, Sodapop?"_

_ Soda looked at Sandy's smiling face, as they stood in the dark parking lot, still able to hear the music playing inside. He moved closer to her, pressing her back up against her mother's car they'd borrowed for the evening._

_ Sandy felt Soda's mouth on hers, soaking in the sensation, as his hands began to wander farther down._

_ Soda broke the kiss, his fingers sliding inside the waistband of Sandy's skirt. "If you want, we can get in that backseat, and I'll take you all the way tonight, baby."_

_ Sandy slipped her hands underneath the front of Soda's shirt and massaged his chest and stomach. "Oh, yes, Sodapop. I want you to be my first. I've been dreaming about it."_

_ Soda's body ached for Sandy, as he ran his hands beneath her shirt and unhooked her bra, whispering in her ear. "This is gonna be so good, you'll want me to be your last."_

* * *

"I didn't mean anything, Dad. Just not in the best mood. That's all."

Nicholas joined Steve on the couch, seeing his son staring at the TV screen, though his eyes held little interest. "Something wrong, Son?"

Steve glanced at Nicholas, able to see the invitation in his dad's gaze. "Everything's wrong, Dad."

Nicholas got up and turned off the TV, before sitting back down beside Steve. "What does that mean? How are you feeling right now?"

"You sound so much like Laura."

"Well, I'll take that as a compliment then. But you actually haven't said much at all for the last couple of days. So what's on your mind, Son?"

"I can't just be in a bad mood?"

"No. Cause I know there's usually something underneath that."

"I think I get my pushiness from you."

"Probably. But I prefer to call it determination."

"I'm pissed off at the world, Dad. I'm pissed off that the best guy I've ever known hurts so bad, he gets to feeling like death would be a relief."

"Sodapop said that?"

Steve got to his feet, pacing around the living room. "No, Dad. The King of France said it! Of course Sodapop said it! Who the hell else would I be talking about?"

"Son-"

"No! You wanted me to talk, so let me fuckin' talk! I'm not mad at Soda, but I'm pissed this could even happen. It's one thing for me to have ever felt like I wanted to die. But there's so much wrong with Soda feeling that way. He's always loved life. Hell, he _still _loves life. He wouldn't be so damn broken up over what he wanted to do last weekend, if he didn't. He wouldn't have been falling apart on the side of the road cause of what wasn't even in the medicine cabinet, if he didn't love life."

Nicholas got up off the couch and went to stand behind Steve, who had ceased pacing the floor and was now still, the anger on his features beginning to give way to what else lay beneath it. "Steve, it's okay to be angry. It is. But what happened that you haven't told me yet? It's not good for you to-"

"I'm not, Dad! I told Laura earlier, so don't tell me it's not good to keep it inside, like I don't fuckin' know that already!"

Nicholas laid a hand on Steve's shoulder, gripping it in an anchoring touch, as he moved to stand in front of his son.

Steve pulled his eyes away from Nicholas' kind gaze, attempting to ignore the tears he felt gathering. "Don't look at me like that, Dad. Please."

"Why? Cause you want me to yell back at you? I'm not about to do that, Son."

Steve felt Nicholas' arms wrap around him and pushed against his chest, refusing the embrace, even while he longed for it. "No, Dad. Don't. Cause I don't want to breakdown anymore."

Nicholas didn't let go of Steve, only holding him tighter, as he heard his son's voice struggling to stay steady. "There's nothing wrong with breaking down and nothing wrong with letting me hold you while you do. I've done it so many times before. You've done the same thing for me. You've done it for Sodapop too."

Steve leaned against Nicholas, the fight leaving him, as he started to melt into his dad's arms. "Soda told me he was going to do it, Dad. He told me he was going to take the cough syrup that was in the bathroom. Cause it made him really drowsy when he took it before. So if he overdosed on it, he'd just go to sleep."

Nicholas bowed his head, letting it rest against Steve's, though the urgency rang clear in his voice. "When, Son? He told you this today?"

Steve's arms found their way around Nicholas, hugging him back, as he rested his head on his dad's chest. "He told me yesterday, but it happened last Sunday night. The cough syrup was gone cause I had already poured it out after everything he said to me before."

Nicholas let out a breath, relaxing a little bit. "Okay. So he was going to, but the medicine wasn't there anymore?"

"Yeah. So he couldn't."

"Jesus, Son. I'm still so sorry. I know how much it must've hurt to hear that."

"It did." Steve let the tears fall from his eyes, no longer feeling an urge to stop them. "It hurts even more to think about what could've happened, if I hadn't poured it out. I can't lose him, Dad. I can't lose Soda. Especially not like that."

"Shh. You're not going to lose him. Because we're all going to do everything we can to keep him safe."

"Dad, I don't want to, but I think I should talk to Darry again. I feel like I keep doing that so much, but shouldn't he know about this too?"

Nicholas put his hand on Steve's head, combing his fingers through his hair. "Yes, Son. If it were you, I'd want to know. And if you want me to, I can talk to him with you."

"I'm sorry I was yelling at you."

"It's fine. I know where it's coming from." Nicholas pulled back to look at Steve's face, his own tears welling up, as he could see the pain etched into his son's eyes, the hurt so much a part of his being in this very moment. "I promise you, Son. Just like you always say, it's Soda. So we're going to keep taking care of him."


	36. Chapter 36

The precious jewels of wisdom combined with the treasure of compassion to cultivate a path that would mend the broken spirit and bring about recovery.

* * *

"Darry, have you ever gone back to Mom and Dad's graves?"

Darry sat next to Soda on the porch swing, noticing the contemplative expression on his brother's face. "Just that one time not too long after their funeral. Why?"

Soda laid his head on Darry's shoulder, his eyes looking out into the night. "Cause I went there today. Steve came with me."

"Oh. Okay. Any particular reason you wanted to go?"

"Just cause I miss them."

"I know, little buddy. Me too."

"Going there didn't help though. I thought it might cause Steve used to go to his mom's grave, and it helped him. But it made me feel worse to be out there."

"I can see how that could go either way."

"You're the best brother, Darry."

"Tell me what you're thinking about right now, Pepsi Cola. So I can help you."

"Do you ever think about what it would be like to be gone?"

Darry felt his heartbeat quicken, as he slipped an arm around Soda, the question one he hadn't expected. "What do you mean by 'gone?'"

"Dead. Buried in the ground."

Darry tightened his grip on his brother, as he leaned closer to rest his own head on top of Soda's. Please don't do this, little buddy, he thought. Please don't be thinking like that. "No. I actually haven't."

"That's what the cemetery made me think of."

"Okay."

Soda's hand moved and found its way to Darry's, holding it, as he stayed close to his brother. "I love you. You know that, right? I love you so much."

Darry grasped Soda's hand, his grip one of desperation. "Yes. I do know that. I've always known that. I've never doubted it, little buddy."

"I know I worry you a lot. I'm sorry."

You're worrying me right now, Darry thought. And scaring the hell out of me. "Soda, why are you saying all this right now? Are you thinking about hurting yourself?"

"Yeah. But I'm not going to do it, Dar. I'm just thinking about it a whole lot right now. It's in my head, and it won't stop."

"What do you need me to do for you, little buddy? How can I help with this?"

Soda loosened his grip on Darry's hand, moving his thumb over the skin, as if trying to soothe his brother. "I just need you to be here with me. That's all."

"Okay. I can sure do that."

Soda tightened his grip on Darry's hand again, leaning further into him. "I just need you to listen and always love me." He closed his eyes, his soul beginning to relax. "Then, I'll be able to keep breathing."

* * *

"Aw, come on, Dad. Don't be a sore loser."

Nicholas eyed the Scrabble board full of letter tiles, as he replied to Steve. "I'm not a sore loser. I just don't get how you could have more points than I do."

Steve looked back at the words he'd formed and the scores written down on paper, shrugging. "I guess I've learned a little from you, huh?"

"You must have. I've got some competition now, don't I?"

"Looks like it." Steve let out a yawn, as he moved the letter _X_ around on the board, breaking it free from the word, _maximum._ "I think I'm going to head to bed, Dad. I'm tired and got too much to think about."

"All right, Son." Nicholas reached for Steve and kissed his forehead. "Remember what I said. We're all going to take care of Sodapop."

"It means a lot to me that you care so much about him too, Dad."

"I always have. I know it didn't say it, but there were a lot of things I didn't say for a really long time. You two have been in each other's lives since you were five years old, Son. Just that alone means everything, but add to it all you've both been through together, and it makes your friendship even more special."

"I know it does. Are you going to talk to Darry with me then?"

"I'd like to. I think I should, in fact. As much as he and I haven't talked much over the years, I can relate to how this must feel for him. Sodapop may not be his son, but anybody could see he loves him just like one."

* * *

_"Care to explain why you're almost an hour late?"  
_

_Soda closed the front door behind him, seeing Darry sitting in the dark. "I'm fine, Dar. I was just out with Sandy."_

_ Darry switched on the lamp in the living room, looking Soda up and down for a moment, before he went to stand in front of him. "But it's not fine that you're late, Sodapop. What the hell are you thinking?"_

_ "I was thinking I enjoyed my date, so I wasn't in a hurry. I'm sixteen, Darry. Get off my back. I know you're still pissed about me dropping out of school, but that ain't anything to do with this."_

_ "You're right, and that's not why I'm upset. I didn't give you a curfew, so you could disobey it. You know better than that. And do you have any idea how worried I was? Did you ever think about that?"_

_ "Nothing happened, okay? You didn't have to worry, and it wasn't even an hour."_

_ "Please tell me you wore a condom."_

_ "Darry! What the hell is wrong with you?"  
_

_Darry stepped closer to Soda, so that they were toe to toe. "You want to know what's wrong with me? My sixteen year old kid brother deliberately disobeyed me and doesn't have so much as an apology for it."_

_ "I wasn't trying to stay out past curfew, Darry. It just happened."_

_ "You know what else just happened? You're grounded the rest of the weekend. You don't leave this house."_

_ "What? You can't do that."_

_ "Yes, I can, and I just did. You've got to get it through your head that I'm in charge now. When you screw up, it's me you gotta deal with. You can't just do what you want, Sodapop. I won't have it."_

_ "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to get home late. It won't happen anymore."_

_ "It better not. But you're still grounded. Until I know you'll listen to me and follow the rules, your ass stays home."_

* * *

"Hey, ya'll have been out there a while now."

Darry waved Pony over to where he still sat with Soda cradled against him on the porch swing. "Come here, Pone."

Pony stepped out the door, then sat down on Soda's other side, looking at him, then back at Darry. "What's going on? Is he okay?"

Darry stared at Soda, seeing how his middle brother's head now rested against his chest. "He just needs us right now, Pony."

Pony drew closer to Soda, laying his head on his shoulder. "I'm here too, Soda. Even if I don't know all the stuff to say."

Darry put his arms around both of his little brothers, holding them close within this fragile moment, as silent tears slipped down his cheeks. We're both here, Sodapop, he thought. And I'll do anything to heal this hurt inside you. I'll do anything to make sure you stay with us. So don't you dare start telling me goodbye.

* * *

Steve's knees hit the carpet, hands folded in the darkness of his bedroom. "God, I know I've prayed for Soda so much. But I just gotta make sure you hear me. I've gotta know you're not going to let anything happen to him.

He laid his head against the bed, a shiver suddenly going through him. "I've got a bad feeling right now, God. I'm not sure what it means. But he's my best friend, and I love him. I know I don't even need to tell you that, but I still am. Please help."

A stream of light entered the bedroom, along with the sound of Nicholas' voice. "Let me pray with you, Son."

Steve felt his dad beside him, both of them now on their knees. "Something doesn't feel right, Dad. I'm not sure what. I just know."

Nicholas covered Steve's folded hands with both of his own. "God, the first thing I want to say is thank you for my son and the heart that he has."

Steve closed his eyes, whispering prayers that were bubbling out of his soul. "Please, God. Please take care of him. No matter what." He felt another shiver in his body, a spirit of divine empathy mixing with uncertainty.

"God, you've listened to me pray so much for Steve, and lately, for Sodapop too. I've seen so much healing in my son and in myself. Please do that for Sodapop. Help him through all of this pain. You know even more about what hurts than we do, and you know what he needs. Please reach down and touch him. Bring Steve peace over whatever he's feeling right now too."

"Dad, I need to check on him. I need to check on Soda. It's not just a feeling. It's stronger than that. I need to know he's okay or-"

Nicholas squeezed Steve's hands that he still held. "Okay, Son. I understand. We'll do it, all right? We'll go check on him."

* * *

_"I ain't saying he shouldn't, but it's so weird to have my big brother telling me what to do all the time."  
_

_Steve stood beside Soda on the Curtis' back porch, elbows resting on the rail. "I'm sure it must be."_

_ Soda moved to sit down on the steps, his leg bouncing up and down. "It was really weird when he told me I was grounded. It didn't even sound right coming from him, you know?"  
_

_"I get it, man. It's a big change."  
_

_"I gotta be a good example for Pony too though. I don't want to do stuff I ain't supposed to and then him do it too."_

_ "Naturally. The kid will be fine, Sodapop. Ain't like he's the type to get in trouble at all. I don't see him staying out too late with a girl. Not unless they're talking about poetry or something. Which I'm sure is not what you and Sandy were up to last night."_

_ "Nope. Definitely not. We did it in the backseat of her mom's car, man. It was a damn good time too. I needed that."_

_ "I didn't think you were with her just to get in her skirt."_

_ "I ain't, Stevie. Just sayin' it was nice to get some action. How are you and Evie coming along?"  
_

_Steve sat down next to Soda on the steps. "Mostly just hanging out together. I really like her. We kiss and stuff, but I'm not rushing it right now."_

_ Soda elbowed Steve, giving him a grin. "I bet you want to though, right?"_

_ "Of course I do. Just not in a hurry."_

_ "Man, I was last night. Standing out there in the dark and kissing, I couldn't wait to go all the way with Sandy. When she said yes, damn, I was past ready, if you get what I mean."_

_ "I'm not trying to sound like Darry here, but I hope you did take care of business."  
_

_"Yeah. I did. I've kept a condom on me every time we go out cause I was hoping."_

_ "Darry still on you about dropping out of school?"  
_

_"He's still mad, but not saying a whole lot anymore."_

_ "So maybe he's coming around then?"_

_ "Yeah. Seems like it. I mean, I know he's coming at it from a good place, but I'm hoping he gets to be okay with me dropping out."_

_ "Yeah. It ain't like you did it just because. I would've been much more upset too if you had."_

_ "Well, I bring home my first paycheck on Thursday, so I bet that'll help change his mind."_

* * *

"Darry, take my wallet. Take it away from me."

Darry sat on the edge of Soda's bed beside him, the request catching him off guard. "Why would I do that, little buddy? I'm listening, so you can tell me whatever it is you're thinking right now."

Soda felt his hands shaking, as he went over to his dresser and picked up the wallet. "You've gotta take it, Dar. So I can't do it. So I can't-"

"So you can't what?"

Soda sat back down on the bed and opened the wallet, seeing his license and the cash he carried around.

Darry watched his brother, his questions only multiplying. "Soda? What is it?

Soda closed the wallet, then shoved it at Darry. "Take it. Cause if I have money on me, I think- I'm sorry, Darry. I'm so sorry. Don't hate me for this."

Darry set the wallet down behind him, putting it out of Soda's sight for now. He then put a hand on each side of his brother's face, holding his gaze. "What are you trying to tell me? I love you, and I'll always love you. That's as true as it was when I said it before. I could never, _ever _hate you. I love you with all my heart, no matter what's happening tonight."

Soda lifted his own hands to cover Darry's and held on tight. "It hurts, Dar. I just want out of it. And I think- I mean-"

"It's okay, little buddy. I'm here. Be honest. You're safe with me."

Soda drew Darry's hands away from his face, still hanging onto them, as he bowed his head. "I want to sleep. I keep thinking about going to sleep and never waking up. That one Sunday night, when I was crying a lot, it wasn't cause of Pony."

"Okay. What was it then?"

"Steve poured out the cough syrup."

"He told me he did that."

"I went in the bathroom to find it that night."

The picture getting clearer, Darry eased his hands out of Soda's grip, noticing his brother's eyes flash with a look of fear.

"Darry? Please don't. Don't leave me. I wasn't really going to do it. I-"

Darry put his arms around Soda then, wrapping him in the tightest embrace. "Shh. I'm not leaving you. There's no way in hell I'm leaving you."

Soda's arms wound around his big brother, hugging him back just as tight. "So sorry. Was scared to tell you."

Darry rocked Soda slowly back and forth, focusing on the warmth of the body in his arms, life radiating from it, despite all of his brother's recent confessions. "I know. But nothing's different, okay? Damn, this must've been bothering you so much, little buddy."

"It has been. All the time."

"So what's this have to do with your wallet?" Darry felt Soda tense up against him and saw that he was nearly frozen. "Sodapop? It's okay. Please tell me."

"Cause I know I could- that medicine, it came from the doctor, but if I want to get something like it that'll do the same thing..."

"Are you telling me you're planning to get more?"

Soda reluctantly pulled away from the embrace, turning around, even as he remained close to Darry. "Just take it, please. So I don't have money. So I can't go in the drug store and buy anything."

"You gotta answer my question. Is this a thought or a plan that you've got in your head?"

"I'm not sure. I just think- I mean, I feel like I could do it. Maybe I wouldn't."

"But you don't know if you would or not?"

"No. Cause I get to feeling so much like I want to."

"Okay. I'll hang onto the cash for you for right now, if it'll make you feel safer."

"Are you pissed at me?"

Darry laid a hand on Soda's back, hearing the pain in his own voice that shook from the emotion pent up within. "No. I'm not. Damn it, Soda. Don't you think you'd be able to tell if I were pissed at you right now? The only thing I am is sad. And scared too. But, hell, I'd rather hear all this from you than something happen. I'd rather you see what's going on in your mind and admit it than hide it and do much worse than go look for medicine that turns out to be gone. I mean it when I say I love you, Pepsi Cola. That's not something I ever expected to have to say to you this much. But if it's what you need me to do, if you need to keep hearing me say it, I'll tell you every damn day til you get through this. I'll keep telling you I love you, and I'm here for you until there's no more fear and no more doubt."

* * *

"Just wait out here, Dad. I'll be right back."

Nicholas watched Steve slide out of the passenger side, the car parked in front of the Curtis' house. "Okay, Son. Come get me, if you need to."

Steve nodded, as he closed the car door, before making his way up the porch steps. He peeked in the window, seeing it was mostly dark in the house, then eased the unlocked front door open. He went inside, quiet, as he looked around for any sign of Soda or his brothers. Not seeing any of them in the living room, Steve took a seat on the couch. Relax, he told himself. This feeling doesn't mean anything is actually wrong. It might mean nothing. So much has been going on with Soda that maybe I just-

"Stevie?"

Steve drew in a breath, relieved to see Soda coming down the hallway. "Hey, buddy."

Soda stepped into the living room, concern coloring his eyes and expression. "It's kinda late. You haven't shown up at night like this since you and your dad have been good with each other."

"Yeah. He's actually out in the car right now."

"Huh? Why?"

Steve held his hand out to Soda. "Come here, man."

Soda went over to the couch and sat down, immediately feeling his best friend's arm go around his shoulders. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"I came over to check on you cause I had a really bad feeling, buddy. I'm not sure what I thought, but I was scared and needed to see you're okay. Maybe it's crazy, but I had to cause cause I felt so much like something wasn't right."

"It ain't crazy. It ain't crazy at all."

Hearing the soft tone of Soda's voice and seeing that he was now looking away from him, Steve felt the now-familiar tug return. "Soda?"

"Yeah?"

"Did I have that feeling for a reason?"

"Yeah. I've been kinda like I was that one night you stayed over here. I talked to Darry about it."

"So how are you now?"

"Better maybe. I don't know. I got real scared telling him some of what I did, but I haven't been crying like that night. I've just been saying a lot of stuff."

Steve leaned his forehead against Soda's shoulder. "Oh, buddy. I'm sorry."

"I told Darry about, you know, what I told you yesterday."

"Okay. Good."

"I think telling him about that helped me cause I didn't like keeping it from him. And then, I guess I had to anyway cause of how I've been feeling tonight. It was just making it worse."

"You going to be all right the rest of the night?"

"I think so. Just needed to get it all out, you know? And Darry was exactly how I needed him to be about everything I said to him."

Steve drew Soda into a hug, something still tugging on his spirit and making doubt lace every part of his heart. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Stevie. I'm sure." Soda let his head rest on Steve's shoulder, resisting the pull to be more transparent. "You've got school and everything tomorrow. Maybe I ain't exactly okay. But I'll get through tonight."

Steve pulled away, his hands on Soda's shoulders, as he looked at him. "Shit, buddy. I just can't shake this feeling. But I guess it's because I did need to come check on you. I wasn't wrong, even if I did think something worse could be happening."

"I know exactly the kind of feeling you're talking about. But I'm getting better. Go home and get some sleep. Tell your dad I'm okay too."

"I will." Steve got to his feet, looking out the window to see Nicholas was now on the front porch. Hesitating, he turned back to Soda. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay."

"You know this, but you can always tell me anything, buddy."

"Yeah. I know that."

The feeling he had inside still not resolved, Steve glanced outside at his dad, before sitting back down on the edge of the couch.

"You can go, Steve. I know your dad's waiting for you."

Steve fixed his gaze on Soda's face, his eyes intent, as they locked with those of his best friend. "Anything, man. No matter how bad it is or how bad it sounds. I want you to tell me. We've talked a hell of a lot, but there's no limit."

Soda found himself fidgeting under Steve's gaze, then looked down at his lap. "I know."

"I'm not sure why, man. But I just- I have to say I'll be right here to be your best friend and your brother and to remind you I love you, no matter what happens." Steve touched Soda's shoulder, leaning his head to catch his best friend's eyes once more. "I'm still going to have your back, no matter how tough it gets."

* * *

_"I ain't trying to make things any harder than they already are, Dar. I know you gotta look after both of us, and Pony's only thirteen."_

_ Darry sighed at Soda's words, beckoning him over to the couch, where he was attempting to relax. "I know that, Sodapop. I've never said you were. I just need you to be as responsible as you can."_

_ Soda dropped down beside Darry, reaching out to massage his brother's back, as he often did lately after a long day at work. "I'm trying. I'm going to do my best for both of you, okay? That's all I want."_

_ Darry felt Soda's fingers knead the muscles in his back and shoulders, the pressure soothing them. "I know. But while you do your best, I still need you to listen to me. I'm your guardian now, and that's not just on paper. It's real, little buddy."_

_ "Yeah. I hear you."_

_ "Do you like it at the DX? If you don't-"  
_

_"No. I do like it, Darry. I mean, I work with Steve sometimes, and Mr. Coleman is about the best boss any guy could want. I'm glad I got the job."_

_ "You're sure about this?"_

_ "Yes. I've been sure. I know you don't like it right now, Darry, but it's what I want. I need to help us stay together. Cause I sure don't want me or Pony to ever be anywhere else, except right here in this house with you."_

* * *

Darry stared out his bedroom window, the night playing on repeat within his mind, Soda's words like resounding echoes. "God, I really don't know what you want from me this time. Maybe I'm not the best at showing it, but I've always believed in you." He again heard voices carry through his slightly open door, easily recognizing them as Steve and Soda's, though he wasn't able to make out what they were saying.

Darry stepped into the hallway, then peeked into Pony's room, seeing his youngest brother was fast asleep. Thank God, he thought. He doesn't need to know anymore than he already does. Quietly easing the door closed, Darry followed the sound of the voices and found Soda and Steve in the living room.

Steve nodded at Darry, as he got up off the couch. "Hey, Superman." He still had his hand on Soda's shoulder, as he spoke to him again. "I'm really going this time. I'll see you tomorrow, buddy. Probably at lunch."

Soda glanced at Darry, then looked over at Steve, barely meeting his eyes, as he gave him a grin. "Okay. See you then."

Darry watched Steve hesitate for a moment, before seeing him go toward the front door, his own feet then moving past Soda to follow his brother's best friend outside. "Hey, Steve?"

Steve stopped on the porch, turning to see Darry behind him. "Yeah?"

Darry closed the door, as he stepped outside, seeing Nicholas also there with them. "I'm not sure what made you come over tonight, especially not both of you. But there's something I wanted to say anyway, so I'm glad you did."

Steve dropped down to sit on the top step, not surprised when Nicholas joined him. "I just had a bad feeling, Darry. I still do. Like I told Soda, I can't shake it."

Darry came to stand near Steve, leaning back on the post beside the porch steps. "Well, I can see how that would be, even if I don't understand how it could happen. Soda hasn't been okay tonight. He's been scaring me. But what I wanted to say is thank you, Steve. For always looking out for him. I'm not one who's good at admitting when I'm out of my element. But this... Hell, I am out of my element when it comes to Soda talking about dying."

Nicholas rested a hand on Steve's back, as he looked up at Darry. "I felt that way too when Steve first talked to me about that sort of stuff. But I bet you're doing better than you give yourself credit for."

Steve opened his mouth to agree with his dad, but heard the front door open and turned to see Soda. "Oh. Hey again, man."

Darry spoke up, seeing Soda's eyes scanning each of the three people out on the porch. "Hey, little buddy. I thought maybe you headed to bed."

Soda slowly stepped outside, his gaze bouncing between Darry and Steve. "You're all out here talking about me, aren't you? You just left me sitting on the couch, so you could-"

Darry interrupted, seeing the distraught expression on his brother's face. "No, Soda. I just wanted to tell Steve thanks for looking out for you."

Steve chimed in, as he stood up. "Yeah, buddy. We've just talked about how to be here for you. That's all."

Soda felt something break within him, the night's stress beginning to reach a peak. "Well, you know what? Soon, there ain't going to be anything to talk about. I'm not doing this anymore. You guys all sit here and tell me how you love me. But it's still not enough! It'll never be enough to make this better!"

Steve took a few steps toward Soda and reached for his shoulders. "What does that mean, man? Why will there not be anything to talk about?"

Soda's eyes met Steve's for hardly a second, before he looked at Darry. "It is a plan, Dar. It is! Okay?"

Darry felt his entire being freeze inside, his mind going back to his earlier question to Soda.

Steve's hands remained on Soda's shoulders, his grip growing tighter. "Buddy, keep talking to us. Whatever plan you've got doesn't mean you have to act on it."

Nicholas stood up and went to be right behind Steve. "That's right, Sodapop. And what you just said, we all do love you, and it's more than enough if you're here talking to us about this."

Darry snapped out of his daze and went to his brother's side. "Soda, it'll be okay, little buddy. Just because you're thinking this right now doesn't mean you can't get through it."

Steve found himself staring at Soda's eyes, noticing how they were completely free of tears. "That's right too, man. Me and you can still talk like we did that one night. Even if you've got a plan in your mind, it's not too late. I meant what I said a little bit ago. No matter how tough it gets, I'm here for you, and you can still say anything you need to say, just like you did before. I promise you, buddy. You're doing exactly the right thing."

Soda lifted both hands to hold onto Steve's wrists. "Go home, Stevie. You've got school tomorrow and work." His eyes shifted to his big brother. "Go to bed, Dar. I know you're already tired cause of me, and you don't deserve that."

Darry stepped closer to Soda and touched his face, his voice firm, even as it wobbled. "You look at me right now, Pepsi Cola."

Soda only shook his head and moved out of Steve's grip. "No, Darry. I've been a burden to you since Mom and Dad died. I've never been enough. Not for you and not for Pony."

Darry felt his mouth drop open, his eyes widening, as he took in the pain of Soda's words that went beyond his comprehension. "Soda, no. That's not true. You could never be a burden. There's so much I never could've done without you. I _still _can't do it without you."

Soda looked at Nicholas, his mind changing gears, even as despair continued to speak for him. "Take Steve home. Please. I want him to take care of himself. He's been spending so much time with me, and I don't want him to get hurt."

Nicholas shared a look with Steve, his son's expression one of determination tangling with pain. "Sodapop, don't you know that helping you through this is part of Steve taking care of himself? Nothing would hurt him more than to leave you right now. What would you do if he was in your shoes? If he was talking this way tonight, could you go?"

Steve went over to Soda again and took his arm, pulling him to sit down beside him on the porch swing. "Yeah, buddy. You wouldn't leave me, and I'm not leaving you. What if I'd come to you before I overdosed and told you I was planning to go to the drug store and buy pills, so I could take them all? What would you have done?"

Soda felt Steve's hand grasp his own and held on to it, the coldness inside him still searching for warmth. "I would have told you please don't do it. Cause I couldn't stand to lose you. I would've told you to talk to me and your dad and Laura. I would've have stayed with you til you felt better."

Steve squeezed Soda's hand, a wave of relief rolling through him when he saw his best friend's eyes were no longer dry. "Yeah. I know that's what you'd do now too, buddy."

Darry took his place on Soda's other side and combed his fingers through his brother's hair. "Don't lose yourself in this, Sodapop. I know it feels like you already have, but everything you said to me in the house earlier and all you've said out here is your way of reaching out. You're doing that because you're falling and needing us to catch you. And you know we will."

Soda turned his head to look at Darry, as he grasped the front of his t-shirt. "Even when I feel like I don't want you to, you catch me every time. Did you take the wallet, like I told you?"

Darry held onto Soda's hand that still gripped his shirt, as he nodded. "I took the money out, except for a couple dollars and some change, then put it back on your dresser."

Soda's gaze moved to Steve, his voice growing quiet. "Can we go in my room and talk, Stevie? Just me and you?"

Steve gave Soda's hand another squeeze, then released it. "Sure we can, man."

Soda looked back at Darry. "Is that okay with you? Me just talking to Steve now?"

Darry shared a look with Steve, a silent understanding passing between them, as it did so often now. "Of course, little buddy. It's more than okay with me. Whatever helps the most."

Steve got to his feet and pulled Nicholas aside, keeping his voice low. "Dad, I can't leave him tonight. At all. I knew that bad feeling I got was real."

Nicholas drew Steve a little closer, his arm around his son. "I know you can't. But please, Son, if you get too overwhelmed, come talk to me. I don't want you to start having a hard time too. I know this is a lot."

Steve leaned on Nicholas for a few moments, savoring the closeness. "It is, but it'd be even harder not to be here, you know? You were right with what you said about me taking care of myself. You can go home if you want, okay? But I'm going to stay here all night."

* * *

A door closed, its click closing them off from the rest of the world, leaving the knit-together souls to find Heaven within Hell.


	37. Chapter 37

A/N : I have to say Rachel Platten's song "Stand By You" was an inspiration for some parts of this chapter! I listened to it on repeat a lot while working on this one.:)

The pages of salvation turned, the ravages of despondency unable to shake the tenderness and faith that refused to surrender.

* * *

"Honey, what are you doing up? You fell asleep beside me earlier."

Samuel felt Vivian's hand take his own, as she sat beside him on the couch, cuddling close to him. "I don't know. I just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep."

Vivian tipped her head up and kissed her husband's lips, affection a balm for the grief she still felt. Her hands then found their way to his face, as she felt his tongue slip into her mouth.

Samuel leaned further into the kiss, deepening it, the physicality of the moment distracting him from the burden of guilt he carried inside.

* * *

"Don't worry about any of that, man. It'll be fine. They don't even pay me any attention so long as I do my work, you know."

Soda heard Steve's reassuring words, as he sat down on the carpet at the foot of his bed, the room lit up only by the lamp on his nightstand. "Okay. Just making sure."

Steve studied Soda for a moment, able to see the apprehension and sadness that had painted themselves all over him. He then pulled the comforter from the bed and gently put it around his best friend, as he settled beside him.

Soda felt the soft material wrap around him, then looked at Steve. "What's this for?"

"You look like you need an anchor, buddy. That's all. It's something to hold onto cause I already know nothing you've got to say tonight is going to be easy."

Soda pulled the blanket tighter around himself and buried his face in it. "You're right about that, Stevie."

"Before we get into anything else, I just want to tell you nothing bad was being said about you outside. Darry told me thanks for looking out for you, and I was telling him what made me come over here tonight."

"I didn't think ya'll were saying anything bad."

"I bet, right now, my dad's out there talking to Darry. He's suddenly wanting to connect with him or something. They've sort of got stuff in common cause of me and you."

"Yeah. I guess they do."

Steve saw how Soda still had his face pressed into the comforter and laid a hand on his back. "You don't gotta hide from me, buddy."

Soda moved the blanket from his shoulders, but still held onto it, as he met Steve's gaze. "I know. Not even trying to."

"So I'm not sure where to start, but why did you tell Darry to take your wallet?"

"Cause I know what I'd do if- if I decide to kill myself."

Steve braced himself internally, as he drew Soda closer and held him, letting the moments tick by in silence.

Soda closed his eyes, as the comfort enveloped him, the embrace one of steadiness.

Steve pulled away, his next questions piercing the semblance of peace in the room. "So what's the plan in your head, buddy? What did you mean outside?"

Soda looked at Steve's eyes, seeing nothing but compassion tinged with tears waiting to fall. "I don't know exactly when or anything, and maybe I couldn't do it anyway. But I would go buy more medicine. Like the cough syrup or maybe- maybe something else that'd do the same thing. I mean, I was going to give it a few days, and if I didn't start to feel better..."

Steve tried, but failed, to keep a tear from slipping out and rolling down his cheek. "If you didn't start to feel better, you'd go through with it."

"Yeah. I told Darry to take the wallet, so I wouldn't have the cash tonight or tomorrow. But I could just ask for it back when or if- I don't have to tell him. Or maybe when I get paid this week..."

"How long have you been thinking about this?"

"For a couple of days. It's part of why I told you about the cough syrup not being there and all. I wanted to say more than that."

Steve took Soda's hand, holding it in an iron-grip, as he closed his eyes and prayed aloud. "God, please bring Soda's mind out of this. I know it's hell to feel like he is right now. So close to giving up. But make him always remember he's never, ever alone, and he doesn't have to act on any of what he's thinking. Don't let these thoughts get anymore power or control. Please, God, make them let go of him, so he can be safe."

"That ain't even all, Stevie."

Steve opened his eyes to see Soda's gaze catch his own, his best friend's voice and expression coated with guilt. "What's not all, buddy?"

"I wouldn't just take the medicine."

Steve buried his face in Soda's shoulder, not letting go of his hand. "What else then?"

Soda bowed his own head, resting it against Steve's, as he felt his best friend's tears soaking into his shirt. "I'm sorry. I'm hurting you."

"That's okay, man. Tell me what else."

"I'd fill the tub with water too, then fall asleep in it. It wouldn't even hurt at all. Nothing could hurt anymore cause I wouldn't wake up."

Steve's arms moved to wrap around Soda once again. "I just- I need to hug you right now. Please don't do it, buddy. Just thinking about you like that, it hurts in a way that makes me feel like I can't breathe."

Soda held onto Steve too, as he felt himself start to cry, the developing plan in his mind beginning to choke him with grief. "I'm telling you this, Stevie, cause I'm hoping talking about it will help somehow. And cause it's making me feel alone to keep thinking about how and everything."

"It will help, buddy. Like I said earlier, you're doing exactly the right thing. I know I keep saying it, but I love you so damn much. And no matter how it gets to feeling, you're not alone. You've got everybody in your life, man. We'll all do anything for you to get you to the other side of all this."

"At the cemetery, it was like I could see myself there in that ground. It was making me think more about actually doing it, even making me want to."

"I'm sorry going there did that to you. But I'm glad I was there too." Steve lifted his head from Soda's shoulder and pulled away, before reaching for the blanket. He wrapped it securely around his best friend, hands holding onto the material, as he looked at Soda's tears that were endlessly flowing. "This might sound crazy, but I get less scared when you're crying."

"Why?"

"Cause when I was about to overdose, I stopped crying. I cried on the way home, but not just before I took all the pills. I sat there in my car and ripped up the plan I'd made with Laura, asked God to take me, and then did it. I just couldn't cry anymore cause I'd given up."

"I'm trying not to give up, Stevie. That's why I had to say something tonight."

"I know. And you know what else? I'm so damn grateful me and you have been talking like we have. If we weren't, you might not have said anything."

"No. I probably couldn't have."

Steve squeezed both of Soda's shoulders through the blanket. "You're going to make it, buddy. Just keep talking to me and to Darry. Or if there are times that's too much, we can do whatever might help put your mind somewhere else. You know like I have before with taking a walk or playing cards. You can even go to my dad too, and he'll help you like he has me. It seems like you usually need to talk, but whatever it takes."

"These feelings have to pass, don't they? They can't last forever?"

"They'll pass, man. Believe me, I've had them come and go so many times. When I thought about trying to kill myself again, I was barely a step away from planning it. I've told you what I wanted to say to you and my dad then, and I figured I'd overdose again. But it didn't get any further than that cause I asked for help."

"I think so much of that was cause of how guilty you felt for ever doing it, Stevie."

"It was, buddy. You're right. But the feeling did pass. It helped a lot to say something. Even more so when I opened up to you and my dad about it and saw how you guys weren't mad at me."

"Just like you're not mad at me now either. I'd feel terrible if you were."

"Of course I'm not mad. It's not your fault, man. I know you don't mean to feel this way."

"I'm sorry I ever got mad at you. Especially now cause I've gotten so close to how you must've felt when you took all those pills. I'm so sorry that I got angry when I just should've-"

"Shh." Steve leaned his head against Soda's, as he thumbed tears from his cheek. "It hurt you, buddy. That's it. You were angry cause you were scared and hurt. But you did it all right being there for me after that. And now, as much as it feels like you're going through hell, I'm here, no matter how dark it gets, and I'll do whatever I can to save you."

* * *

_"Hey, Darry! Check it out!"_

_ Darry parked his truck in front of the DX, just as Soda came out the door of the station, waving something in the air. "What do you got there?"  
_

_Soda opened the passenger door, hopping into the truck. "My first paycheck."_

_ Darry shifted the truck back into gear, the smile of pride on Soda's face making the older brother grin back at him. "I know I haven't been supportive of what you're doing. And I still want you to go back to school. But I'm proud of you, little buddy."_

_ "I'm proud of you too, Dar."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because I always have been and because, well, you're doing everything. You're my big brother, and it me, it's like you're Superman."_

* * *

"Everybody thinks I'm the one who grew up too fast."

Nicholas sat beside Darry on the porch swing, silently listening.

Darry ran a hand over his face, as he looked up at the sky that was now at its darkest. "But Sodapop grew up even faster. He was sixteen, and it was like he wasn't even a kid anymore. He'll say I took care of him and Pony, but I swear he's the one that took care of both of us. Soda asked me just the other day if I regretted taking custody of them, and I sure as hell don't. If I'd lost my brothers, I never would've made it after our parents died. I'm not saying I didn't need Pony then too, but Soda... I needed him in a way I've never needed anyone before. He was there to be by my side, even when it was tough for him to see me as a guardian. He was just sixteen and grieving, but he always looked out for me and went out of his way to love me."

* * *

Soda lie on his bed, facing the window, sheet and blanket covering him. "I know it might be weird, but would you stay in here with me all night?"

Steve leaned back against the other pillow that he had propped up on the head of Soda's bed, his legs stretched out over the covers. "Yeah, buddy. I'll stay right here. I ain't even worried about 'weird' or any shit like that."

Soda closed his eyes, as he heard the lamp being switched off. "You're the best friend, Stevie."

Steve, still wide awake after all they'd talked about, rubbed Soda's back. "You are too, man, so it goes both ways."

"I feel calmer than I did earlier. It helped to say it all outloud."

"I figured it would, buddy. Just rest, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

"You sleep too. I know you must need it after all of this tonight."

"I will in a little bit. Don't worry. I'm going to take care of myself too."

Soda felt a kiss on his temple, the gesture one that would've taken him by surprise prior to the shooting. "Night, buddy."

Steve shifted the pillow so that it was flat on the bed, then lie down on his side, facing away from Soda. "Night, man."

Silence fell over the pair of friends, Soda's eyes still closed, as he waited to drift into slumber.

Steve stared at the darkness, keeping his eyes open, as his spirit ached in response to the suffering his best friend was enduring.

"Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for sticking with me, even when it hurts this bad."

Steve squeezed his eyes closed, as he heard the sadness in Soda's voice, the sound as striking as physical pain. "I can't imagine doing anything different, buddy."

"You'd forgive me, right?"

"For what?"

"If I ever did do it."

Steve's chest tightened, as he attempted to take a deep breath. "Yeah. You're my best friend, no matter what."

"Okay."

Steve, fear rising within him, sat up and switched the lamp back on, then nudged Soda's shoulder. "Hey, what's happening in your head?"

Soda turned over to his back, eyes now open to look up at Steve. "Thinking anybody could hate me or not forgive me makes it hurt so much worse. It makes the thoughts feels stronger."

Steve finally drew in a full breath and let it out, Soda's answer helping to soothe the fear. "Okay."

"I scared you, didn't I?"

"Hell, yeah. It sounded like you were wanting to make sure it's all right to go ahead and try to kill yourself as long as you know I'd forgive you."

"I'm sorry. That ain't what I meant by it."

Steve found himself studying Soda's face, searching for any sign of hidden truth in his expression. "Okay. It's just after everything you've said tonight, that's all I could think."

"Yeah. I know."

"But it's all right you asked me, buddy. Whatever you need to hear and know to get you through this. Don't feel bad about any of it."

"I'm trying."

Steve switched the lamp off once again, as he lie back down. "I know that's a lot easier said than done, but I'm telling you anyway."

Soda turned back over to his side, closing his eyes to resume the wait for slumber.

"Cause I know how much worse it can be with any kind of guilt." Steve rubbed Soda's shoulder, the darkness quiet around them. "And I don't want you to hurt like that." I don't want you to hurt at all, he thought. "You're going to get better, buddy." And I'll be here until you are, _especially _when it hurts this bad.

* * *

_"Superman, huh? I can dig that."_

_ Soda shuffled the deck of cards, thumbs forming the bridge, as he replied to Steve's remark. "Yeah. I mean, he could've stayed in college and let the state take us. But he didn't do that."_

_ Steve scowled at Soda, as he picked up the first couple of cards dealt to him. "Don't even say that, man. I don't like thinking about it."_

_ "I know. But it's true, Stevie."_

_ "Well, I'd lose my shit without you, so shut up about it."_

_ Soda grinned at Steve, as he studied the cards in his hand. "All right. I'll shut up. But only cause I gotta focus on whoopin' your ass."_

_ Steve raised an eyebrow, studying his own hand. "Dream on, buddy. Your ass is about to lose this game."_

* * *

Pale blue eyes looked into the bedroom to see the golden-haired boy fast asleep, the peace of slumber replacing his troubled feelings for the night.

The eyes then saw a dark-haired boy on the bed beside his best friend, also asleep, within the hope that his effort and love wouldn't be in vain.

* * *

"They're both passed out on Soda's bed."

Nicholas acknowledged Darry's words with a nod. "Sounds about right after tonight."

Darry, his eyes burning with the need to sleep, laid his head back on the couch. "I'm about to go to bed too. I still gotta work in the morning."

Nicholas sat down beside Darry and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "I'm going to head home. If Steve's awake when you get up, please tell him to call me."

"Okay. I will. Thanks for sitting here with me. For caring about Soda too."

"You're welcome, Darry. He needs all the love and care he can get."

"I can't stand to think what he'd do without Steve right now."

"Then don't. Just be thankful for what those two have in each other. I know I am."

* * *

_"Hey, Superman! Catch!"_

_ Darry caught the football Steve had thrown toward him, as he walked away from the truck he'd just parked in the driveway. "Huh, why are you calling me that?"  
_

_Steve attempted an answer, as Soda came back out the front door, his eyes catching his best friend's gaze. "Just cause."_

_ Soda went down the porch steps, joining Steve and Darry in the yard. "Just cause what, Stevie?"_

_ Darry tossed the football to Soda. "He just called me Superman, and I asked him why."  
_

_Soda backed up, catching the ball in the air. "Oh yeah? I told him what I said to you the other day."_

_ Steve shot a glare toward both brothers. "You guys quit talkin' about me like I ain't here or something."_

_ Soda chuckled, seeing Steve's expression soften. "All right, man. Don't get all huffy on us now."_

_ Steve caught the ball Soda threw in his direction and tucked it under his arm. "I am not huffy, Soda." He turned back to Darry. "And I called you Superman cause that's what you are, and you damn well know there's only one reason that'd be coming from me."_

_ Darry cocked an eyebrow, his gaze one of confusion, as he shrugged. "So what's the reason? Cause I really don't know."  
_

_Steve sighed, frustrated, even as he knew he wasn't explaining his reasoning. He looked down at the ground, then at Soda again. "You should cause he's standing right over there. In my book, that's why you're Superman."_

* * *

"What the hell, Kid? You never seen anybody sleep before?"

Pony looked over at Soda's still-sleeping form, as he answered Steve's question. "Of course I have. I've just never seen you sleeping right next to my brother in his bed."

Steve rolled his eyes that were barely open, head not leaving the pillow. "Lay off, Ponyboy. Soda asked me to stay in here with him, so I did."

"Where'd you come from anyway? You weren't here when I went to bed."

"Nope. Sure wasn't. I came over late, and we were up even later talking about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Nothin' easy, Kid."

"Aren't you going to get up for school?"

"Nah. I ain't going today. I didn't even bring clothes over here."

"Is Soda going to work?"

"I don't know. Give him at least a few more minutes, Kid."

Pony sat down on the edge of the bed, his eyes gazing at his middle brother, concern etched into his expression. "Steve, was he like he was that other night you were here? Please tell me the truth."

"Yeah, Pony. Pretty much."

"But he talked to you about it, and that helped?"

"I think so."

Darry's voice came from the doorway. "Hey, Pone. Your eggs are ready."

Pony took one last look at Soda, before taking this as his cue to leave the room. "Promise me one of you will be real with me, okay? I hate not really knowing what's going on when it's Soda we're talking about."

Darry spoke first, as he reached for Pony's shoulder. "We'll sit down and talk tonight, Kiddo." He watched his little brother make his way out of the room, then looked at Steve, who'd yet to get up from the bed. "So did he talk to you last night, like he needed to?"

Steve absently touched Soda's back, the physical contact a reassurance that his best friend was still here. "Yeah. He did."

"Should I wake him up?"

"That's up to you, Superman. But I wouldn't."

"I'll call Mr. Coleman and tell him he's not feeling well. It's true enough anyway."

"Yeah. You know he'd understand too."

"I don't want to go to work. I wouldn't if I didn't have to. I've taken so much time off lately already, and then, Soda has that appointment tomorrow so-"

"Don't sweat it, Darry." Steve sat up on the bed, his gaze now moving to his older friend. "I ain't going anywhere til I need to get ready for my shift this afternoon."

"I guess I should've known that, huh? Before your dad left last night, he said he wants you to call him this morning."

"Yeah. I'll do that."

Darry stared at Soda, seeing he remained fast asleep with no sign that he was rousing from slumber. "He tell you everything?"

"God, I _hope _that was everything, Superman."

"So do you think- I mean, is he actually planning to..."

"He said talking helped. But yeah, I think he was."

"He told you how?"

"Yeah. He was trying to hold off and see if he started feeling better."

"I can't believe this, Steve. I can't believe this is Soda we're talking about."

"Yeah. I know what you mean. Damn, I've said before that hearing he'd been shot was the worst thing I've ever heard. But what he told me last night," Steve touched Soda's back again, just as his best friend drew in a deep breath. "I swear that's even more terrifying."

* * *

"Yeah. I know. But I'm okay, Dad. Go out with Audrey later. Please. I'll see you tonight."

Soda, still bleary-eyed, saw Steve with the phone receiver pressed to his ear.

"I will. Love you too. Bye."

Soda watched his best friend hang up the phone, then looked around, as he pressed a hand to his chest. "Steve?"

Steve turned to see Soda standing at the edge of the living room. "Hey, man. Darry called you in sick, so don't worry about-"

"Did last night really happen? Did I say all that to you?"

"Yeah, buddy. You did."

The room tilted in front of Soda's eyes, as he pressed his other hand to his chest. "And your dad and Darry?"

"Yeah. You said some stuff to them too."

Soda took a stumbling step forward, before he felt Steve's arm wrap around him and lead him to sit down on the couch. "What's wrong with me?"

"I think you're just anxious, man."

"I feel funny, Stevie. Like nothing's real."

Steve kept his arm around Soda, attempting to steady him. "You had a pretty bad night, buddy. But you got through it. It's over."

"I can't believe I said any of that to you. I can't believe I told you I was going to..."

Steve watched Soda's eyes close, as his hands seemed to press harder into his chest. "I know. But you did, and you needed to do it. Keeping that to yourself would be the worst thing you could do."

"What about Pony? Did he hear anything? Did he-?"

"No, buddy. He was already asleep. It was late. But he saw me in your room with you earlier this morning, so he's got an idea. He knows you're struggling again."

"How did I get here, Stevie? How did I get this bad?"

"I'm not sure, man." Steve put his own hand over one of Soda's. "But listen to me, okay? Everything's all right. No one's mad at you or upset with you. You and me both are going to take it easy til later this afternoon."

"What happens later this afternoon?"

"I just mean when I have to go to work."

"Oh. Okay."

"It really is all right, buddy. You can relax."

Soda sagged back against the couch, letting out a long breath, as his hands dropped from his chest to his lap. "It's like I woke up, but still felt like I had to be dreaming. Or maybe like I'm not really here or something."

"Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about."

Soda let a few moments of silence pass, before he looked straight at Steve. "Are you okay, Stevie?"

"I am. I'm glad I came over too. That bad feeling I had was about as real as they come."

"Yeah. Sure was."

Steve waited, unsure if Soda wanted to say anything else. When his best friend stayed quiet, he clapped him on the shoulder. "Come on, man. Why don't we go fix us something to eat? Then, we can talk some more or just do whatever. Like I said, we'll take it easy this morning."

* * *

_"What the hell do you mean you got a ticket?"_

_ Soda gestured for Darry to lower his voice. "Don't start yelling, Dar. Pony seemed upset earlier today, and I don't want him to think we're fightin'."_

_ Darry rolled his eyes, as he started to unbutton his shirt. "Well, we kind of are fighting. What was the ticket for?"_

_ Soda's eyes dropped to the floor of his big brother's bedroom, as he shuffled his feet. "I was, uh, just going a little bit too fast."_

_ "A little, huh? How much over the limit?"_

_ "Maybe, um, about twenty or twenty-five?"_

_ "Sodapop, look at me when I'm talking to you. There ain't anything interesting about my carpet."_

_ Soda looked up at his brother, a grin playing on his face. "There could be if you look hard enough."  
_

_"Soda. I'm serious."_

_ "I know. You're too serious, Darry. It's one ticket. So smile, before you lose your damn mind."_

* * *

"Last time I made pancakes, I dropped the bowl of batter and made a mess."

Steve ate the last of his syrup-drenched breakfast, as he listened to Soda talk, both of them sitting on the back porch. "You lost your grip on it?"

Soda moved his fork through the syrup on his plate that had half of a pancake still on it. "Yeah. Then, Pony made it again and even dyed it blue, like I had it the first time. I told him and Darry I was okay, but I really just wanted to cry."

"But not cause of the mess."

"Darry told me not to feel bad cause it was an accident. But to me, it felt like more than that."

"What did it feel like?"

"Like I couldn't do anything for myself anymore. Like whatever I try is just going to get messed up every time."

"It's not though, man."

"I don't want you guys having to clean up after me all the time."

"Why not?"

"What do you mean why not? Cause I ain't a little kid, Steve. There was enough I couldn't do before. And yeah, I know Dr. Simons is expecting this to get better with time and stuff, but still."

"You've cleaned up after me plenty."

"Huh? When?"

"Well, for one thing, you swept up the glass after I broke my window that one night. You didn't even let me help either."

"That was different."

"Yeah. Because it wasn't even an accident. And you had to stop me from putting my hand through it after I broke the window with the lamp."

"All right. So I helped clean up and kept you from hurting yourself. But what else are you talking about?"

"Messes that aren't so literal. Like when you've been there to listen to me talk about stuff I never had before. Which you've done more times than I can even count."

"Yeah. I guess if you want to look at it like that."

"I do want to look at it like that, so I am. Cause you know as well as I do it's not just about cleaning something up or even being able to fix it. It's about just being there."

"Like you couldn't fix it for me last night, but you were here. You're still here."

"Exactly. Sometimes, we can't fix it. But we can be there and understand. It's okay to need that, buddy. Whether it's because your arm's giving you a hard time or because you've got tough feelings that are screwing up how you think."

Soda was quiet, as he pressed his fork into a bite of pancake, then swirled it around in the syrup, while he stared at the plate.

Steve set his own plate down on the concrete floor of the porch, his gaze intently on his best friend. "And you know what else? Pony and Darry didn't _have _to help you clean up that day. I didn't _have_ to be here last night or right now. That's not what's happening."

Soda put the bite of pancake in his mouth, chewing it. "What do you mean?"

"Why were you there for me? Why are you always still there for me when I need you now?"

"Cause you're my best friend."

"Well, yeah, but is it something you have to do? Or do you do it because you want to?"

"Cause I want to."

"Why?"

"Cause I care about you, and I want to help make sure you're okay."

"Yeah. I know that, man. Just like I've told you I want to go through all this with you. So do both of your brothers. We can't fix it, like we wish we could, but we can be there. We can make sure you know it's more than all right to need us."

Soda looked at what was left of his breakfast, before he started to chuckle.

"Um, not that I'm not glad to hear you laughing, but what's funny?"

"Did we really just have a deep conversation because of pancakes?"

Steve started to laugh along with Soda. "Yeah. It looks like we really did."

Soda's ears absorbed the sound of their shared laughter, his heart still aching with the want for hope, as it reached out for the salve that could bring deliverance.


	38. Chapter 38

The pace of healing kept time with the rolling tides of comfort and truth, as hands kept reaching out for one another.

* * *

"TwoBit, could you please stop?"

TwoBit ignored Pony's request at first, pressing the back of his hand to his younger friend's forehead. "No. I can't. But you ain't warm, so you better spill."

Pony bit his lower lip, as he looked toward the nearest set of double doors that would lead him out of the school.

"Don't even think about it, Kiddo."

"Don't you need to get to class?"

"Damn, something must be bugging you, if you think _I'm _worried about going to class."

Pony took his chance and ran, bolting out the doors.

TwoBit ran after him without a second thought. "Ponyboy! Come on! Shit, you're fast!"

Pony ran until he came to a clearing that was far behind the school building, the heaviness in his chest making him give in to sobs.

TwoBit saw Pony up ahead of him, his legs going faster when he could see his friend was on the ground.

Pony buried his face in his lap, feeling TwoBit drop down beside him moments later. "I didn't want you to see me like this."

TwoBit listened to Pony cry, willing to admit fear was creeping up on him, as he tried to catch his breath. "It's just me, Kiddo. You're allowed to cry. But you gotta tell me what's wrong. After everything that's happened, it worries me to see you upset."

"You know Steve's not here today, right?"

"Yeah. But I didn't think a lot of it cause he has appointments and stuff sometimes."

"He's with Soda."

"At the DX?"

"No. Soda didn't go to work." Pony slowly lifted his head, tears still on his cheeks. "I ain't sure what all happened last night after I went to sleep, but something was going on with him."

"Okay."

"I mean, I knew Soda wasn't feeling so great, even before I went to bed, but the only thing Darry said was that he needs us right now. So I wasn't sure what that meant."

TwoBit nodded, attempting to coax Pony along. "All right."

"But this morning, when I woke up, Steve was in Soda's room with him. He said they were up real late talking about stuff."

"Sounds like them."

"Yeah, but this is different."

"How?"

"Cause Soda, he's been talking about dying."

"You mean because he could've died the night he got shot?"

"No. Not like that. He's been feeling like, well, a lot like Steve did."

"Soda's been feeling like trying to kill himself?"

"Yeah."

"Shit, Pony. I never would've thought that."

"I know. And last night's not the first time him and Steve have stayed up together cause of it."

"Well, I guess Steve would be good to talk to after the shit he's gone through."

"I'm scared, TwoBit. Cause I know last night must've been bad. Steve came over later than he ever does and he didn't bring clothes. He even stayed all night in Soda's room."

"Even if it was bad, it sounds like Soda got through it, Kiddo. You see him this morning?"

"He was still asleep. Darry told me we'd talk tonight. Nobody's been totally straight with me about any of this."

"They just want to protect you, Pony."

"I only even know all of what I do, which ain't much, cause I've overheard stuff, and it's not real hard to watch what goes on around me. Soda's not hard to read either, even when he tries to be."

"Naw. He sure as hell ain't. Wears his heart on his sleeve, just like the shirt on his back." TwoBit put his arm around Pony's shoulders and pulled him close. "It'll be all right, Kiddo. Maybe I don't know much, but it sounds like Darry and Steve-O are both going all out for Soda. So that must mean he's got what he needs."

* * *

"Hey, buddy. What happened? You disappear, like you think I won't know where to look or something."

Soda heard Steve's voice from his place on the bed, his only response a shrug of his shoulders.

Steve shot Soda a grin, as he sat down beside him. "Want to go see if we can make a deep conversation out of the Frisbee in the backyard?"

Soda's chin trembled, as his eyes rapidly blinked. "What's she going to do to me, Stevie?"

"Who? What are you talking about?"

"Dr. Morgan. What'll she do?"

Steve saw the tears shining in Soda's eyes, fear poignant in his best friend's expression. "What do you think she's going to do that's got you like this right now?"

"I don't want to be in the hospital. I know you want me to be honest with her, but I can't."

"You can, buddy. It'll be okay. She'll want to help."

Soda reached for Steve and grasped the back of his shirt, pressing his face into his shoulder. "But if I tell her what I told you and what I said to Darry, she'll do it. She'll make me go in the hospital and- and I'll be all by myself."

Steve wound his arms around Soda, squeezing him. "Buddy, I gotta tell you the truth, okay? Are you listening?"

"Yeah. I'm listening."

"You could be right because this is serious. It's more than thoughts. She could believe you're in danger of actually going through with hurting yourself. But it would be to protect you, just like I said the other day. And she won't ask just a couple of questions to decide what to do. She'll ask a lot. Believe me, I get it, man. I was afraid Laura or Dr. Reynolds would put me back in the hospital once, and I sure didn't want to do that."

"I don't want to be left alone. I don't want to be by myself."

Steve swallowed hard at the pleading tone of Soda's voice, his own tears forming. "No, buddy. You won't be. Doesn't matter where you are, you won't be alone."

"But I would be cause you guys couldn't stay."

"You're getting too far ahead of yourself, man." Steve pulled back to see Soda's face. "But if that happens, we'd be there all the time, as much as we can. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. I do."

"You've gotta slow down on this. All right, buddy? Cause you just don't know yet."

"I'm scared of being in there. Real scared."

"I know. It scared me too. But the only thing you've gotta do is talk to Dr. Morgan when you see her tomorrow, and when you do, remember she wants to help you with all of this. Laura never would've given me her number, if you couldn't trust her."

"I know. I'll be honest with her, Stevie. Whatever she asks, I'll tell her the truth."

"Good. Cause she can't help you, if she doesn't know what's happening, you dig?"

"Yeah. I dig."

"It'll count for a lot too if she knows you're not keeping shit inside, and you're coming to me or Darry with the suicidal thoughts. Dr. Reynolds always wants to know what I'm doing to cope, and it's a big deal to him that I can tell him what I do with those thoughts and feelings, if I have them. I'm sure Dr. Morgan will be glad to hear that you find a way to ask for help."

"I'm going to try to keep myself together the rest of the day. Damn, I've sure cried all over you a lot. And before you say it, you never cried this much."

"What if I had? You still would've kept doing the same thing for me too."

"Yeah. That's true."

"Of course it's true. Don't you know by now I'm always right?"

"Sure, Stevie. You're a genius."

"Nah, that's your little brother. I'm sure as hell no genius, but I _am _the wisest guy you'll ever know."

"Yeah, a wise guy, who's also a smartass when he wants to be."

"I'm a man of many talents. Now, come on, let's get outside and toss around that Frisbee."

* * *

_"Hey, ain't that Johnny's jacket?"_

_ Soda followed Steve's gaze, seeing the denim jacket on the ground of the vacant lot, as they were passing by it. "Yeah. Looks like it."_

_ Steve picked up the jacket, seeing the stains on it. "This looks like blood."_

_ Pony, who stood at Soda's side, looked around, noticing reddish-colored stains also on the grass near them. "What do ya'll think-?"_

_ Soda interrupted his little brother, as he heard a low moan. "Hey, ya'll hear that?"_

_ Steve held onto the jacket, as he nodded, his eyes landing on the source of the sound. "Damn. I think that's Johnny."_

_ Soda took off at a run, Pony and Steve both on his heels. He stopped beside the still form on the grass and dropped to his knees. "Hey, Johnny Kid, can you hear me?"  
_

_Pony watched, as Soda gently turned Johnny over, frozen in place, while he took in the bruises and cuts that covered his friend's face._

_ Steve stepped closer, as he saw Johnny open his eyes, picking up on the fear in them. "Hey, Johnnycakes, nobody's going to hurt you."_

_ Soda carefully lifted Johnny off the ground and cradled him in his arms, just as the younger teen began to sob. "Shh. We're here Johnny. I promise you're safe."_

_ Johnny weakly lifted a hand to grab onto Soda and clung to him, his words coming out broken with cries. "Socs, man. And one was wearing a bunch of rings."_

_ Soda studied the long cut on Johnny's face, seeing blood still coming from it, at the same time he heard footsteps coming toward them. "But you're okay now. We're going to take care of you. I've got you, Johnny Kid." He carefully drew his friend closer, holding him within the instilled fear and fresh injuries. "I've got you, and nobody's going to hurt you anymore."_

* * *

"What was that, man? I'm way over here!"

Soda chuckled at Steve's amused indignation, as he chased down the wayward Frisbee and attempted a second toss. "It was the wind, Stevie."

Steve caught the Frisbee this time. "Wind? What wind?"

Darry's voice came from the now-open back door. "Hey, you two. How's it going?"

Soda caught the Frisbee out of the air, as he looked toward his big brother. "Hey, Dar. You home for lunch?"

Darry stepped out onto the porch. "Yeah. And to check on you, little buddy." He shifted his gaze to Steve. "Could you give us a minute, please?"

Steve nodded without hesitation and gave Soda's shoulder a squeeze, before he went inside the house.

Soda looked down at the Frisbee still in his hands, as he stood on the grass beside the porch steps. "You want to talk about last night, don't you?"

Darry sat down on the top step, motioning for Soda to join him. "Yeah. I do."

Soda tossed the Frisbee to the ground, as he sat beside his brother. "Sorry I wasn't totally honest with you at first."

Darry put his arm around Soda, rubbing his shoulder. "That's okay, Sodapop. I know it's hard. I'm glad you can talk about this at all."

"Steve tell you anything I said?"

"A little bit. Just that it did help you to talk, and you were trying to wait and see if you started to feel better."

"I don't want to give up, Darry. I'm scared to think I could."

"I know, little buddy."

"That's why I told Steve everything I've been thinking and why I wanted you to take my wallet. I'm trying not to do it."

"I know that too. So how are you feeling today?"

"I don't know. Not too bad, I guess. Kind of up and down."

"You still having those same thoughts, or is that better?"

"They're in my head, but they ain't as strong. I'm not feeling like, you know, acting on it or anything."

"Okay." Darry paused, his arm still around Soda, whose gaze had wandered to the Frisbee on the grass. "Hey, little buddy, can you look at me?"

Soda's eyes moved up to meet his brother's.

"The plan you said you had, are you still thinking about it?"

Soda's head dropped, eyes drifting back down. "Um..." He then felt Darry's fingers under his chin, tension twisting him in knots, as he was forced to look at his brother's face. "I- I can't. Please don't, Darry."

Darry didn't waver, keeping his hold on Soda's chin. "Don't what?"

Soda closed his eyes, as he put both hands on Darry's wrist and held onto it. "I've cried so much, and I don't want to anymore."

"I need to know what's going on with you. That's why I'm asking. So please tell me."

"I'm- I'm not going to do it, Darry. I promise. I mean, it's still in my head, yeah. But..."

"Open your eyes, Pepsi Cola."

Soda did as Darry asked, his brown orbs once again meeting his brother's blue ones. "Sorry, Dar. I know you need to ask."

Darry let go of Soda's chin, instead choosing to grasp both of his hands. "You don't have to apologize. I just really need to know you're being honest with me right now."

"I am. I really am. It's not like I just totally stopped thinking about- about doing it. But even if I feel like it, I won't."

"So what will you do?"

"I'll come talk to you or Steve. I swear I'll keep asking for help."

Darry drew Soda into his arms, his embrace as tight as he could make it. "We're talking every single day, little buddy. Everyday, you're going to tell me how you're doing and how you're feeling. You got that?"

Soda felt the tension begin to drain out of him, as he laid his head on Darry's chest, security found within his brother's firm determination. "I got it, Dar."

"I want you to always tell me the truth too, all right? Even if it's something scary. Cause I can't do a damn thing to help you, if I don't know what's happening. So please be open with me, Sodapop."

"I will."

Darry slowly broke the embrace, unsurprised by the tears he could see in Soda's eyes. "I wasn't trying to make you cry again, little buddy. I'm sorry."

"No. It's- It's okay. I'm sure I would have anyway. Already did earlier with Steve too."

"Can I tell you one more thing, before we go inside?"

"Yeah."

Darry leaned closer to Soda, their faces almost touching. "You are not a burden in any way, Sodapop. Not now. Not ever. There's so much I never could've gotten through without you. So whenever this all gets too hard, please lean on me. Please let me be your strength."

* * *

"Man, I told you not to cheat again!"

Soda pasted an innocent look on his face, as he responded to Steve's accusation. "But I didn't cheat, Stevie. I never cheat."

Steve tried to keep from laughing, as he reached for the card in Soda's sock. "Really, man? You always put them in the same place too."

"I don't even know who put that there."

Steve chuckled, as he threw the card at Soda. "You're a terrible liar anyway, buddy. But maybe even worse when it comes to cards." He looked at the clock that hung on the Curtis' living room wall. "I hate to do this, man. But I gotta head home and get dressed for work."

Soda put his hand of cards face down on the carpet, his eyes looking at the design on the back. "Okay, Stevie."

Steve sighed and set his own hand down across from Soda's, the remainder of the deck stacked between them. "You'll be all right, man. Pony will be home soon, and Darry won't be far behind him."

"Yeah. I know."

"What do you want me to tell Mr. Coleman, if he asks about you?"

"You can just tell him I'm feeling better, and I'll see him in the morning."

Steve got to his feet, noticing Soda stand up along with him, his best friend's expression unchanging. "Don't keep looking like that, buddy. You'll be fine."

"Yeah."

"Give me a hug, brother."

Soda felt Steve pull him close and hugged him back. "Thank you, Stevie."

"You don't gotta say that anymore, man. You're always welcome."

"But I still wanted to tell you cause I don't know if-"

Steve heard the tremble in Soda's voice and squeezed him tighter. "Yeah. You don't have to explain either, buddy. I know it."

Soda pulled away, eyes watery, as he grinned at Steve. "So much for keeping myself together, huh?"

"You've got every right to cry, man." Every right to fall apart, Steve thought. Especially if falling apart is what's going to help you stay alive.

* * *

_"Those fuckin', no good- Who the hell do they think they are beating up on Johnny like that? Just wait til I get my hands on those bastards!"_

_ Soda heard Dallas' rant of righteous anger in the background, as he sat on the edge of the couch beside an injured Johnny. "Hey, Dal. I'm totally with you, man. But he needs to rest."_

_ Dallas halted his pacing around the Curtis' living room and stared at Johnny, the deep cut on the side of his face fueling the rage. "Those sons of bitches need to pay, Sodapop. And one day, I swear they will."_

* * *

"Hey, Pone. You're home pretty early."

Pony looked at Soda, who sat on the porch swing, casually puffing on a cigarette. "Yeah. Left as soon as my last class was over."

Soda let his head rest on the back of the swing, as he took a drag off the cigarette. "I've been home all day."

"Yeah. I know." Pony put his backpack down on the porch, before he sat beside his brother. "Soda?"

"Yeah?"

"What happened last night?"

"I was just having a tough time, Pony."

"Why can't you be honest with me?"

Soda lifted his head up off the swing, then put his cigarette out and tossed it over the porch railing. "I _am _being honest."

"No, you're not. You're going around my question, like I don't know anything about how you've been lately. I'm not thirteen anymore, Soda. You don't have to keep trying to protect me."

"You're my little brother. I'll always protect you, no matter how old you are."

"Were you suicidal?"

"Pony, I-"

"Just tell me the truth. I can handle it, and I'm not going to yell at you or anything."

Soda reached for Pony's hand and squeezed it. "I was feeling like that last night, so yeah."

"So that's why Steve came over and stayed with you?"

"Yeah."

"And that's why you and Darry were sitting out here, and he said you needed us right now?"

"Yeah, Pone."

"Steve said it helped you to talk. Did it?"

"It did. It helped a lot."

"What did you talk about?"

"Just what I was thinking and how I was feeling."

"What's so bad that you could think about killing yourself? What happened, Soda?"

"I ain't really sure, Pone. I guess it's a lot of things. I just don't feel good inside."

"Was it cause of the flashbacks and the dreams?"

"That's part of it. I mean, it's not like me getting shot is the only bad thing to happen. But it really hurt me a whole lot."

"You never thought about killing yourself before that, did you?"

"No."

"You're the most honest with Steve, aren't you?"

"Yeah. Cause he gets it all better than anybody else does. Not even just the thoughts I have, but everything."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Darry understands a lot too."

"It's crazy how I used to think he didn't care and stuff, ain't it?"

"Yeah, Pone. Cause he sure does. He loves you and me both a lot. He tells me all the time too."

"It's also crazy how I used to think Steve was a jerk."

"He just never used to let you see his softer side, Kiddo."

"Yeah. He only let you see that before."

"He even lets me see it now in ways he didn't used to. But, believe me, it was always there."

* * *

"Yeah. I think he's feeling better, Sir. He should be here in the morning."

Mr. Coleman listened to Steve's voice that drifted from underneath a Honda in the garage. "I admit I got worried when Darry called me, instead of Sodapop. For a second there, I thought something was really wrong."

You have no idea, Steve thought, as he picked up the wrench to tighten a bolt. "Yeah. I'm sure Darry just wanted to make sure he got plenty of rest."

Mr. Coleman sorted through the paperwork on the metal desk in the corner of the garage, then stapled several of the sheets together. "It's unusual for Sodapop to miss work for any sort of illness. In two years, I think it's happened just a couple of times. The last one being when he had bronchitis a few months ago. And even then, I had to tell him to stay home."

"Yeah. Soda wants to work, that's for sure."

"Should I be worried about him, Steve?"

Steve slid the creeper out from under the Honda, his back to Mr. Coleman, as he sat up on it. "Um, no, Sir. I think he'll be all right. Like I said, he's feeling better."

"Maybe I'm treading a line here, but it reminds me of how you had some unusual absences when you weren't doing so well."

Steve started putting the wrench and other tools back in the toolbox, still not turning to look at his boss. "Oh. Yeah, I guess I did."

"How's Sodapop doing with everything? I know he still gets jumpy when he's here. I've seen it. But is that all?"

Steve closed the toolbox, his greasy fingers latching it shut. "No, Sir. It's not."

"I'm not trying to pry. I'm just wondering if he's okay."

"He's working on it, Sir. Everything's under control."

* * *

_"It hurts, Soda."_

_ Soda stroked Johnny's hair, as he remained near his friend's side. "I know, Johnnycake. Maybe you can have more aspirin, huh?"_

_ Johnny's dark eyes stared up at Soda, as he lifted a hand to touch the long cut on his face that Darry had cleaned with alcohol. "Am I going to have a tuff scar?"  
_

_"Yeah, kiddo. The tuffest one ever."_

_ "Did Dal leave?"_

_ "Yeah. He did."_

_ "Tell him ain't worth it, Soda. Tell him it ain't worth getting hurt."_

_ "He ain't gonna get hurt. Probably just blowing off some steam. He'll never admit it, but he's crazy about you, Johnnykid."_

_ "He's pissed, ain't he?"_

_ Soda grinned at Johnny, getting the smallest of smiles in return. "Well, of course. But it's Dal. He's always pissed."_

_ "Did ya'll think I was dead?"_

_ The grin fell from Soda's face, the image of Johnny's still form flashing into his mind. "Yeah. For a split second."_

_ "I thought they might kill me."_

_ "I know, Kiddo. But they didn't. Cause you're tough. And you'll be good as new in no time, as long as you got the gang taking care of you."_

* * *

"Hey, little buddy, why are you bleeding?"

Soda jumped at the sound of Darry's voice that came from his bedroom doorway. He then blinked at the blood just beginning to seep out of the small scratches on his right arm. "Um, it's nothing, Dar."

Darry stepped into Soda's room, joining him right in front of the dresser, his middle brother's demeanor compelling him to look closer.

Soda took one step back from Darry, but froze when his big brother grabbed a hold of his arm. "I'm fine. It's nothing."

Darry saw fingernail-shaped arches on the skin near Soda's scar, along with the bleeding scratches. "Soda, what the hell is going on?"

Soda turned his head, looking away from Darry, knowing his brother wasn't about to let him go. "It's just a little blood, Dar."

Aware of Pony's presence on the other side of the house, Darry closed the bedroom door. "Just a little blood, huh? This ain't _just _anything, if you did it to yourself."

Soda bit his lower lip and closed his eyes, able to feel Darry's hold on him growing tighter. "I- I was just- It didn't even hurt or anything and-"

"And what? What the hell are you thinking?"

"Sorry, Darry."

"I'm not looking for an apology here, Sodapop. So just drop it. And look at me, damn it!"

Soda flinched at Darry's raised voice. "Don't yell at me, Darry. Please. I swear I'll do better. I'll never do it again."

Darry released Soda's arm and turned away from his brother, letting the moments pass, as he breathed in deeply.

Soda immediately moved to his bed and curled up on it, ignoring the tiny spots of blood that soaked into his jeans.

Darry heaved one last deep breath, before slowly turning around. He moved in measured steps toward Soda's bed and laid a hand on his brother's back.

Soda tensed at the touch, drawing in a startled breath.

Darry sat down close to Soda, moving his hand in soothing circles. "I'm not going to yell anymore, okay? And I sure as hell am not going to hurt you. So please talk to me, little buddy."

Soda remained silent, tears of frustration seeping out of his eyes.

"You know, I was thinking. That day we were playing basketball down at the park, you told me you missed just being my little brother. I don't think I'd ever realized what else you must've felt like you lost after Mom and Dad died."

Soda finally spoke, his voice quiet and choked. "But I didn't lose as much as you did."

"I"m not so sure about that. You grew up too fast too, Sodapop."

"But I was never going to do anything or be anyone. You were."

"You _are _someone, and I'm still your big brother. I never stopped being that, even when I had to step up and be your guardian too. As much as everything had to change, we never lost that, little buddy. You never lost me."

"I didn't want to think anymore, and I knew it would make me stop."

"You knew what would make you stop?"

Soda fell quiet once again, still curled up on the bed, head resting on his knees.

Darry moved his hand to the back of Soda's head. "You mean what I saw? The scratches and the blood?"

Soda nodded, not letting himself speak.

Darry looked at his brother's arm and the quickly fading injuries, blood no longer coming out of the scratches. "If you knew it would make you stop thinking, does that mean you've done this before?"

Soda nodded once more, hesitantly turning his head to look at Darry, as tears fell down his face, and he watched for impending signs.

Darry pressed his lips to the top of Soda's head, needing to erase the expression that told of fear. "I'm still not leaving you, and I still love you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure. How many times has this happened before and when?"

"Just once and only a little over a week ago."

"Okay. Was it anything like the time you pulled on your stitches?"

"Kind of. This wasn't cause of a flashback. But it sort of made me feel the same way. Like I said, I couldn't think anymore."

"Had you told Steve or anyone else?"

"Steve saw me doing it the first time. He was talking, and I didn't even hear him. He came in and grabbed my hand to stop me. The marks and the blood, they weren't there long."

"So you haven't hurt yourself with anything else, besides your nails?"

"No. I think Steve was afraid I would. After he, um, saw me, he said I had to see Dr. Morgan, and if I wouldn't, he'd give you her name and number, even if I didn't want him to."

"So that's what made you come talk to me about her when you did?"

"Yeah. I mean, I might've anyway. But I didn't want Steve to do that, and I knew he would."

"You'd do the same thing, if it was him hurting himself at all."

"Yeah."

"I'm glad you've got that appointment already, little buddy, after everything that's gone on even just since I called."

"I'm nervous about it, Darry. I know I need to go, but I still am."

"I know you are. I couldn't expect you not to be."

"Steve keeps telling me she'll only want to help."

"Of course she will."

"And he keeps telling me to be honest with her."

"Yeah. You need to be."

"You'll make sure I am, won't you?"

"In any way I can."

Soda felt a fresh batch of tears fill his eyes. "I've been the worst bawl baby today."

Darry pulled Soda against him so that his head rested on his chest. "But that's all right. Cry if you need to cry. Hell, I'd never stop either, if I felt everything you've been telling me about."

"Did I make you cry last night?"

"No. _You _didn't make me cry. But seeing and hearing the pain you're in did make me cry."

"I made Steve cry a lot last night."

"It hurts him the same way, little buddy. He sure loves you something fierce. That's as plain as day, and coming from Steve, you know it's as real as can be."

"Yeah. I don't know what I'd do without him. You either, Dar. I'd be lost without you too."

Not as lost as I'd be without you, Darry thought. "Why don't you come eat dinner with me and Pony, okay? It was his night to cook, and he should be about done now."

Soda lifted his head from Darry's chest, wiping away what was left of the tears. "Okay. I think I'll head to bed right after that too."

"That's probably a good idea. But you tell me if you want to talk anymore, all right?"

"Yeah, Dar. I'll tell you if I do. But I think I'll just want to sleep."

* * *

"You seem distracted tonight."

Nicholas took Audrey's hand in his own. "I guess I am."

Audrey touched Nicholas' cheek, looking close enough to see the sadness his eyes held. "What are you thinking about?"

"Steve. And Sodapop too."

"Do you know what I love about you, Nicholas?"

Nicholas gave Audrey a small smile. "How handsome and romantic I am?"

"Well, yes. That too. But what I love the most is your devotion to everyone in your life."

* * *

_"Is Johnny going to be all right, Soda?"_

_ Soda climbed into the bed beside Pony. "Yeah, Pone. He's just resting. He's going to be okay."_

_ Pony turned over to his side, cheek pressed against the cool pillow. "Are you sure? He looked real bad when we found him."_

_ "I know." Soda stared at the dark ceiling, hands tucked behind his head. "But we got to him in time, so he'll be all right. Trust me."_

* * *

"I should've known you'd be back again tonight."

Steve scowled at Pony, as he let himself in the Curtis' front door. "What's up your ass, Kid?"

Pony rinsed off the last of the silverware and set it out to dry, as he rolled his eyes. "Nothing's up my ass, Steve Randle."

Darry came into the kitchen, sending a glare at his little brother. "Stop being rude, Pone. Steve's allowed to come over."

Pony walked away from the sink and picked his pack of cigarettes up off the counter, ignoring Darry's admonishment. "I'm sick of _my _brother only telling _you _the truth. How does being abused by some psycho a long time ago give you the right-"

Darry's glare turned even colder. "Stop it, Ponyboy Michael. Don't you dare throw that in Steve's face. Get outside and cool off, if you can't act decent."

Pony shot a glare of his own toward Steve, before making his way out to the back porch, cigarettes in hand.

Darry turned to look at Steve, not expecting the shocked expression or pale face that stared back at him. "I'm sorry about that, Steve. You okay?"

Steve found he couldn't speak, only staring down at his feet.

Darry moved closer and put his hands on each of Steve's shoulders. "Hey, I'm so glad you're there for Soda like you are. Pony's pissed, but I don't think it really has anything to do with you at all."

Steve let himself fall against Darry, face buried in the older man's shoulder. "It's not just cause I was abused. It's not-"

Darry's arms wrapped around Steve, as he heard his voice crack. "I know."

A sob started to escape Steve, and he clutched onto Darry. "And Soda and me, we don't have the same blood, but-"

"Shh. I know. You're brothers just the same. Pony knows that too. I'm sorry he's lashing out at you."

"He thinks he does, but he doesn't want to hear the stuff Soda tells me."

"No, he really doesn't."

"I'm sorry if I'm ever out of line, Darry. But I-"

"Hell, no, Steve. You're not out of line one little bit."

Steve eased himself out of Darry's arms and looked at his face. "Where is Soda anyway, Superman? I came to see him, not have a breakdown in your kitchen."

Darry kept one hand on Steve's shoulder, squeezing it. "He's already in bed. I'm not sure if he's asleep yet, but you can go check, if you want."

Steve nodded, using both hands to wipe the tears off his face. "Damn. I don't want him to see me like this, if he's awake. Cause he'll know something happened."

"Seems like just the thing that'd make him feel bad too, doesn't it? Are you okay now?"

"Yeah. I'll be all right. I'm just going to clean myself up and go check on Soda."

* * *

Steve opened Soda's bedroom door just enough to look in at him. "Hey, you still awake, buddy?"

When Soda didn't stir, Steve stepped inside and walked over to the bed. He felt a breeze blow through the open window, as he looked at his best friend, Pony's claims not far from his mind. He found himself sitting on the edge of the mattress, watching Soda's chest rise and fall, as he whispered to him. "I never would've done this before you were in the hospital, buddy. But I just needed to see you and make sure you're still breathing."

* * *

"I ain't apologizin' to him, Darry."

Darry joined Pony on the back porch, his reply quick. "I'm not telling you to."

Pony faced the backyard, blowing smoke into the night, before he put his cigarette out. "You're not?"

"Nope. Because Steve doesn't deserve a fake apology. You hurt him with what you said, Ponyboy. He trusted you with what happened to him, and you used it against him. What would Soda say about this?"

"Doesn't matter. Cause he didn't hear me."

"It does matter, Pony. Steve's his best friend."

"And I'm his little brother! I should get to help him more! I should get to know all of what's going on, not just what ya'll decide to tell me!"

"You know what? It's fine to feel that way, Kiddo. It's okay to be angry. But it ain't okay to take it out on anyone else, especially someone who'd do anything for Soda."

"I don't see what's so great about Steve anyway. Soda pours his heart out to him why? Just because he overdosed? Just cause he tried to kill himself over something from a long time ago? I don't get that either."

"You've been talking to Steve too, Ponyboy. Are you saying all this now because he was here last night?"

"Soda's my brother."

"He's my brother too."

"He tells _you_ what's going on. And if he doesn't, Steve does. I asked you to be real with me, Darry!"

"All right then, Kiddo. You want me to be real with you?"

"You told me we'd talk tonight."

"I know I did."

"I asked Soda if he was suicidal last night."

"What did he tell you?"

"Not much. He never tells me much. Just that yeah, he was feeling like that. He wouldn't really tell me why or what he and Steve talked about."

Darry sat down on the porch steps, motioning for Pony for follow suit. "Listen, Ponyboy. Just sit here with me and listen for a minute."

Pony took a seat beside his brother, not expecting it when Darry's arm went around his shoulders. "Okay. I guess I can do that."

"Last night was bad for Soda. The word you just used, 'suicidal', that's more right than I wanted it to ever be. It's more right than I ever thought it could be too. I want you to know that I'm not trying to keep you in the dark or leave you on the outside. Soda's not either. Neither is Steve."

"Did Soda come close to hurting himself?"

"No. Because he's been able to ask for help if and when he feels like it. That's what he did last night."

"He told me he doesn't feel good inside. Do you know what that means?"

"Yes. I do. He's got a lot of fear and guilt and sadness, Pony. More than that, he's not feeling secure or confident, like he used to."

"If you're not trying to keep me in the dark, what are you trying to do?"

"You're fifteen, Kiddo. I know you hate hearing that. But last night, as much as you want to know everything, it's better you don't know the details of what Soda was experiencing. Though I will tell you he was having a lot of suicidal thoughts, and he needed more than anything to talk about it. Which is exactly what he did."

"Did he make ya'll think he was going to hurt himself?"

"Yes. He did, Pone. He'd been talking to me a lot both out front where you saw us and after we went inside. But he wasn't quite as open as he needed to be."

"So that's when Steve came over?"

"Yeah. But he came here because, however this works, he had a bad feeling. He wanted to check on Soda, so that's what he did. I'm more than certain that his being here is what made Soda open up more. So before you go jumping down Steve's throat or bringing up a past you know still hurts him, maybe you should remember that."

* * *

Eyes opened, partial wakefulness bringing with it the desire for escape. Cool air blew in, leading the body to rise and feet to carry it out into the refuge of night.


	39. Chapter 39

Morning dawned, fading night bringing with it an unsettling mystery.

* * *

"Dad, wake up and shut off that damn alarm."

Nicholas stirred, Steve's voice mixing with the noise of the alarm. He heaved an arm up, shutting off the sound, his eyes opening to see his son stretched out in the space next to him. "When'd you come in here?"

Steve rubbed his eyes that were still thick with sleep, comfortable under the covers. "Don't know. Hours ago, I guess."

"Nightmares or something?"

"No. Just wanted to be close. I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep at first."

"Worried about Sodapop?"

"Yeah."

Nicholas rose, sliding out of the bed and going toward his dresser. "He's got that doctor's appointment today, right?"

"Yeah. I told him I'd stop over there at lunch time. It's close to the school."

Nicholas chose a shirt and a pair of pants. "You getting up, Son?"

"In a minute, Dad."

Clothes still in hand, Nicholas went over to where Steve lie and knelt down, putting them at eye-level. "We didn't talk much when you got home last night. Are you still okay?"

Steve gave Nicholas a small grin, as he nodded. "Yeah. I'm okay. I mean, I have my moments. You've seen that."

"I have. So I want to make sure I'm here when you need me, Son."

"You _are, _Dad. You don't even have to try so hard, you know."

"It's just after the other night especially, I-"

Steve reached out and put a hand on Nicholas' shoulder. "I know. But I'm doing all right. There will be times I'm not, and I'll come to you when they happen."

* * *

"Hey, Darry, do you know where Soda is?"

Darry poured himself a cup of coffee, as he spoke to Pony. "He's not in his room?"

Pony looked outside, seeing both Darry's pick-up and Soda's Chevy in the driveway. "No. I don't see him anywhere."

"He has to be here somewhere, Pone. Are you sure he's not in the bathroom or something?"

"I checked. He's not."

Darry sipped his coffee, a thought occurring to him.

Pony watched Darry dash away, before following him down the hall.

Darry first looked into Soda's room, spotting his brother's wallet on the dresser.

"I told you he's not in here."

Darry didn't reply, before he went to his own bedroom and opened the drawer, where he'd put the cash Soda had asked him to keep.

"What are you looking for?"

Darry picked up the bills, counting them quickly and realizing all the cash was still there. "Nothing, Pone. Just checking something."

"What's that money have to do with Soda?"

Darry put the bills back and closed the drawer. "Never mind. Let's just figure out where he is."

* * *

_"Leave me alone, Darry! I can do what I want!"_

_ Soda heard Pony's raised voice from inside the house, bracing himself to hear Darry yell back at him._

_ "Hell, no, you can't, Ponyboy! If you're going to talk to me that way, you can just take your ass to your room!"  
_

_Soda sighed, given only a second to debate an action, before Darry joined him on the front porch. "What are ya'll fightin' about?"  
_

_Darry gripped the porch railing, putting all of his strength into it. "Hell, if I know. I just told him to make sure he doesn't walk anywhere alone tonight."  
_

_"I think he's scared, Dar. Cause of Johnny."_

_ "Yeah? Well, that's exactly why I'm telling him not to walk alone."_

_ "I know. But maybe you just gotta say it in a nicer way."_

_ "Really, little buddy? I did. I wasn't yelling at him til he yelled at me. How is it my fault if-"  
_

_"Darry, I'm not blaming you. It's just I know how Pony takes stuff sometimes, and he still ain't used to you telling him what to do all the time either."_

_ "Well, he's going to have to get used to it. We can't be fighting everyday."_

_ "I'll talk to him, okay?"_

_ "He'll listen to you better than he'll listen to me."_

_ "Of course he will. Both of you listen to me better than you ever do each other."_

* * *

Darry stepped out onto the back porch, eyes searching every inch of the yard, before they landed on a hint of a silhouette. He walked down the steps, going toward the sight that lie just on the other side of the tree in the center of the yard, mostly hidden from plain view. "Sodapop?"

Darry ran the last few yards, unable to quench the fear in his heart, as he saw Soda with his body slumped against the tree trunk, his eyes closed. He knelt beside his brother and shook his shoulder, while also seeing that he was breathing. "Wake up, Sodapop! Wake up right now!"

Soda groaned, moving his head that was lolled back against the tree. "Hmm?"

Darry put his own face close to Soda's, panic bleeding into his voice. "What the hell are you doing out here, little buddy? We couldn't find you!"

Soda opened his eyes, slowly taking in his surroundings and Darrys' gaze that was searching for answers. "Must've fell asleep. Is it morning?"

"Yes. It's morning. How did you fall asleep in the backyard? For a minute there, I thought-"

"You thought what?"

"Never mind. Just tell me how you ended up here."

Soda sat up straight and stretched, aware of the splint that was still on his arm. He felt the grass brush against his legs, the cool air touching his body that was clad in only shorts and a white t-shirt. "I woke up and wanted to be outside."

"Do you know what time it was?"

"Nah. Feels like a while though."

Darry stared at Soda for a moment, before looking back at the house. "Damn. Pony's still wondering where you are."

Soda started to stand, pushing himself up off the ground. "Yeah, and I need to get to work."

Darry stood to his full height, helping Soda when he saw he was unsteady. "You okay, little buddy?"

"Yeah. Just kinda stiff from sleeping on the ground like that."

"You must've got cold too. What made you want to be outside enough to come out here in the middle of the damn night?"

"Just makes me feel calmer, Dar."

"All right. Let's go inside." Darry slipped his arm around Soda's shoulders, his grip tighter than usual, as they both went toward the porch steps. "I'll drive you to work, so I can just pick you up there right before your appointment."

Soda stopped on the top step. "I think that's why I woke up."

"What is?"

"I'm still real nervous, Dar."

"I know. That's why I'll be there with you. And there's only one thing you have to do."

"What's that?"

"Whatever she asks, tell her the truth."

* * *

"Hey, TwoBit. I miss anything interesting yesterday?"

TwoBit fell into step beside Steve, both of them walking across the school's courtyard. "Nah. Just me chasing Pony down out behind the school building."

Steve could help rolling his eyes. "What for?"

"Cause he was upset about Soda. Told me why you weren't here and that Soda didn't go to work either."

"What exactly did the kid tell you?"

"How Soda's been feeling lately. And that you came over and talked to him the other night."

"Oh."

"So how's Soda doing now?"

"Better than that night, for sure." Steve pulled TwoBit aside, both of them now standing well away from the crowd of students heading into the school's double doors. "What did Pony tell you about how he's been feeling?"

TwoBit reached out and put a hand on Steve's shoulder, his voice quieter than ever typical for the humorous Greaser. "He told me Soda's felt like killing himself."

Steve sucked in a quick breath, the coldness of reality finally dropping its weight on him. "Oh my God, TwoBit."

"What? You knew that already."

"Yeah. Of course I did. The way me and Soda talk is one thing that made Pony start saying shit to me last night."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. The kid just got mad. He thinks he wants to hear everything. But he has no damn idea how much worse it is."

"How much worse what is?"

"Soda."

TwoBit watched Steve's expression, his eyes seeming to fall into detachment. He squeezed his friend's shoulder, speaking once more. "Yeah. He told me he doesn't know all that much. I get ya'll trying to protect him from certain stuff, if it's real serious."

Steve felt Soda's words rush back at him, the plan his best friend had expressed afflicting his mind with images of a death he knew he'd never be able to bear. "If he- I couldn't- Not Soda."

"Yeah. I know, man. But you've got his back, right? You two always do for each other."

"Yes. Of course. But the other night, TwoBit, it was- it was real bad."

"Pony was so upset cause he knew it must've been."

"I'm so damn glad I was there for Soda though. I couldn't leave him at all after everything he told me."

"Whatever all it was, I bet he needed that."

"Yeah. He sure did." Steve shifted his gaze from TwoBit to the school building, becoming aware of the time passing, as fewer students were trickling through the door. "I think I need to get to class."

* * *

_"Darry just wants to make sure you use your head, Pone. That's all."_

_ Pony closed the journal he'd been writing in and turned around in his desk chair to look at Soda. "But he doesn't have to act like I don't know how. I already know I shouldn't walk anywhere by myself."_

_ Soda sat down on the edge of the bed, facing Pony. "He doesn't mean it like that. He just gets worried cause he loves you."  
_

_"Even if he loves me, he sure doesn't like me all that much. He likes you more."_

_ "Darry does love you, Pone." Soda nudged Pony's shoulder, shooting him a smile. "And of course he likes me more. Both of you have always liked me better."_

* * *

"Hey, Sodapop. How are you? Feeling better?"

Soda closed the cash register drawer, before turning to Mr. Coleman and giving him a grin. "I'm feeling okay, Sir. But, um, when you get a second, there's kinda something I need to talk to you about."

Mr. Coleman's eyes wandered around the station, mentally checking off the tasks he'd completed so far this morning, before he leaned against the counter. "Okay. I've got a few minutes now. What's going on?"

"Well, you know how I went to the doctor last Friday. The one I've been seeing since the, um, shooting."

"Yes. Dr. Simons, right? How'd it go?"

"He said that the nerve in my arm, it is, uh, damaged."

"I'm sorry, Sodapop. So what he did he say could help treat it?"

"Just simple stuff. Like I've got this splint I wear at night. I'm supposed to use ice and heat on it too."

"The kind of things you do for many injuries. Do you think it's helping?"

"Maybe. I mean, the symptoms mostly come and go a lot anyway. That's one reason Dr. Simons thinks it'll get better over time."

"Sounds like you got good news then too."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"We'll still take it day-by-day. But I think I could have you start working in the garage again. You're coming back this afternoon, right?"

"Yes, Sir."

"So we'll start then. I just need you to tell me if and when those symptoms flare up, okay? Just in case they might affect the work you can or should do. How's your arm right now?"

"Not bad, I guess. It and my fingers feel a little achy."

"All right. Let me know if it gets to be more than that though. And Sodapop?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"Also let me know if there's ever anything else you need."

"I will, Mr. Coleman. Thanks."

Mr. Coleman moved closer to Soda and laid a hand on his shoulder. "I mean it. I know I'm your boss, but that doesn't mean I can't help."

* * *

"Kid, I really don't feel like talking to you right now."

Pony stood beside Steve's locker, unsurprised by the older Greaser's remark. "Yeah. I get that. But I owe you an apology."

Steve's hand gripped the door of his locker. "I don't want to hear it just cause you feel bed. Or cause Darry said you have to apologize."

"Darry ain't makin' me because he said it shouldn't be fake. And I _do _feel bad, but that's not why I'm sorry. I really am sorry too, Steve."

"Why, Kid? Why would you bring that shit up?"

"Cause I was mad. But it was wrong. I owe you more of an explanation too, not just an apology."

"Hell, yeah, you do."

"I hope I didn't screw this up. I kinda like what we've had lately."

"You didn't screw it up, all right? Man, you talk about Soda not being real with you. But maybe you should pull your head out of your ass and try being real with me."

* * *

_"Hey, what are you sitting there thinking so hard about, man?"_

_ Soda sat beside Steve on the hood of the Ford in the DX parking lot, his foot tapping a headlight. "Nothing. Just wondering what I might do tonight."_

_ Steve held a pack of cigarettes out to Soda. "Here. You look like you could use one."  
_

_Soda took the offered cigarette, lighting it after Steve lit his own, foot still tapping. "You and Evie want to double with me and Sandy tonight?"_

_ "Sure. Sounds like a good time."_

* * *

"Breathe, Sodapop. It's going to be all right."

Soda felt Darry's hand rubbing his back, the brothers both sitting in the truck in the front of the community mental health center. "I don't know, Dar. I don't know."

Darry leaned over and pulled Soda closer, arms wrapping around him. "I'll be right out in the waiting room the whole time. You can do this, little buddy."

Soda heaved quick breaths, panic threatening to take over, even as he held onto Darry. "I'm sorry. I know I should just go in and-"

"No. It's okay. I figured you'd need a minute, and we're a little early."

Soda's eyes wandered to the door of the center, as he rested his head on Darry's shoulder, his heart still beating fast. She's just a doctor, he told himself. It's okay. She's just a- "Please take me home, Darry."

"You know I can't do that."

"But then, we can both go back to work, and I swear nothing that's happened will _ever _happen again and-"

Darry squeezed Soda tighter for a moment, before gently pushing him back. "Listen to me, little buddy. All you've gotta do is talk to her. You can do that. I know you can."

Soda grasped the sleeve of Darry's shirt, bunching the material up in his fist, as he stared at the center. "No. No, I can't. _Please _listen. I need you to hear me, Darry."

"I do hear you, Sodapop. I am listening, okay? I know you're nervous and scared. But you'll be all right."

"Don't let her do it. Please, Darry. Don't."

Darry caught Soda's gaze, able to see the plea in his brown eyes. "Don't let her do what? No one's going to hurt you, little buddy."

Soda started to shake Darry's shoulder. "They're gone, Darry. They're gone, and they're never coming back."

Darry covered Soda's hand with his own, giving it a squeeze. "Everything's okay right now. _You're _okay too. I'm not sure what all you're thinking, but nothing is happening. Please hear me say that."

Soda stared into Darry's pale blue eyes, finding in them the safety and security loss had so cruelly stolen from him at such a tender age. "Okay. I hear you."

Darry watched Soda begin to relax, seeing the distress visibly dissipate. "I'm right here, and you're going to be fine. Let's head on inside."

* * *

Steve's fingers pressed to his temples, attempting to quiet the noise of grief that threatened to envelope his mind.

Calm the fuck down, he told himself, as he heard Mr. Johnson's voice over his thoughts and tried to focus on it. You've got to calm down. Soda's being honest, and he's getting help.

Steve picked up his pencil and rolled it along his fingers. He's being even more honest than I was, he thought. He's been laying his whole heart out, letting me inside his mind.

Steve started to copy down the words Mr. Johnson was writing on the board, the tap of the chalk keeping time with the strokes of his pencil. That's going to be enough, he thought. It _has _to be enough to keep him here with us.

* * *

_"We're taking Evie and Sandy, Kid. So, no, you can't come with us. Go tag along with somebody else."_

_ Soda elbowed Steve hard in the ribs, then spoke to Pony himself. "We are taking the girls, Pone. Sorry."_

_ Pony glared at Steve, the other Greaser returning the look. "All you had to do was say that, Steve. I ain't trying to join your date."_

_ Steve rolled his eyes, before turning to Soda. "So you ready to go, man?"_

_ Pony noted Soda's half-dressed appearance, then chimed in once more. "Yeah, Steve, he's going without a shirt."_

_ Soda chuckled, as Steve glared. "Well, I'm sure Sandy would appreciate it."_

_ Steve picked one of Soda's shirts form the pile of unfolded laundry on the couch and shoved it at his best friend. "Let's get a move-on, buddy. So we can go pick up the girls. Can't keep them waiting."_

* * *

"Sodapop Curtis?"

Soda looked up to see a petite woman with curled black hair, dressed in a knee-length skirt and a flowery yellow top. "Um, that's me."

The woman smiled at him, her dark brown eyes meeting his gaze. "I'm Dr. Morgan."

Soda looked over at Darry, who was in the chair beside him. "Staying right here?"

Darry nodded at Soda, an encouraging smile on his face, as he gave his brother's hand a squeeze. "Absolutely. I won't go anywhere."

Soda hesitantly stood to his feet, casting one last look at Darry, as he followed Dr. Morgan out the waiting room door and into a short hallway.

Dr. Morgan led the way to a small office with walls painted sky blue. She shifted a round table and set of chairs so that they were near the large window.

Soda looked around the office, his eyes taking in the shelf of books and the desk that held framed pictures and tidy stacks of folders. "So, uh, what do I do?"

Dr. Morgan drew the blinds fully open, slats letting in the light from outside, as she gestured to a cushioned chair. "You can have a seat there."

Soda sat down in the chair, his fingers tapping on the table, as he could feel his heart beating.

Dr. Morgan picked a clipboard up off her desk, then took the chair across from Soda's. "Okay, Sodapop. Why don't we get started?"

"Um, all right." Soda eyed the clipboard and the papers attached with the metal clip. "Do I need to fill more stuff out? I mean, it just seemed like there wasn't much to write on the forms I did already."

Dr. Morgan picked up her pen, filling out the upper portion of the top sheet on her clipboard. "You did all you were supposed to. I prefer to learn more about my patients face-to-face, rather than rely on what's on paper."

"Oh. That makes sense, I guess."

"First, I would just like to ask if there's anything you want to tell me today. Anything to do with what brings you here or how you've been feeling lately. Or anything that's happened you would like me to know about."

"Um, I'm- I'm here because, well, my brother and my best friend wanted me to come see you. Cause they're worried and scared."

"Okay. Are you saying they're worried about you?"

"Yeah. They are."

"Why? What's scaring them?"

"I- I haven't been okay lately."

"In what ways have you not been okay?"

"I, um, got shot a little over a month ago. And sometimes, I can still see the mask the guy was wearing. Or I feel like it's happening again."

"It sounds like you may be experiencing flashbacks."

"Yeah, uh, I actually had heard of that before. It doesn't happen as much now."

"It's possible it was more of an acute reaction to the stress brought on by the trauma. Are there other ways in which you haven't been okay?"

"Yeah."

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell me, before I focus more on specified questions that can help me assess where you are right now?"

"Um, no. You can ask whatever you need to, I guess."

"All right." Dr. Morgan flipped to the next sheet of paper on her clipboard. "Before we go any further, I want you to know that whatever you say stays in this room, unless I have reason to believe you're in any danger."

"Okay."

"And it's important that you're honest. There's no judgment and no right or wrong answers. These questions are only to help me understand the issues you may be experiencing and to determine the best ways to help you."

* * *

"Darry?"

Darry looked up to see Steve coming through the door. "Oh. Hey."

Steve's eyes wandered around the waiting room that wasn't too busy, as he took a seat beside Darry. "So how's it been so far?"

Darry spoke to Steve, his voice low. "Soda hasn't run out of the doctor's office, so I take that as a good sign."

"Yeah. Me too. Was he okay, you know, getting here?"

"Yeah. Until we got in the parking lot. God, Steve, he was pleading with me to take him home and talking like he thinks she'll hurt him or something."

"He's scared she'll stick him in the hospital, Superman. Cause of how he's feeling."

"Could she?"

"I didn't think so before the other night, but maybe. I didn't even tell him it scares me too."

"Right before we came in, I think he was talking about Mom and Dad."

"You think?"

"Yeah. Cause he was saying 'they're gone' and 'they're never coming back.'"

"He's been thinking about them a lot."

"Has Pony talked to you at all?"

"Yeah. Can't say I was exactly welcoming about it, but he did."

"He apologize?"

"Yeah. I could even tell he meant it."

"I didn't make him apologize to you last night because I wanted it to be genuine, Steve. I wanted him to do it on his own."

"I never thought something the kid said could hurt _that _bad, Superman. But it sure did."

"I know. I could tell. When I talked to Pony, I made sure he knew it hurt you. You trusted him with something that was a big deal, and he shouldn't have used it against you. For any reason. But especially not over Soda."

"I never knew you'd be so defensive of me. I hope you didn't tell Pony I bawled in your arms."

"I didn't tell him that. And of course I'm defensive of you. You're family, Steve. You know that."

"Yeah. I do."

"And when I talked to Pony, I didn't go into a whole lot of detail about Monday night, but I told him enough to get his mind on something, besides the fact that he's not the one Soda is confiding in right now. Nor should he be, as far as most of this goes. Pony's gotta see that this is about his brother having what he needs. I understand why he got mad, and I can deal with it, but making sure Soda opens up in a way that helps him cope is what's most important."

* * *

"Have you experienced thoughts of death or dying?"

Soda stared down at the floor, Dr. Morgan's question making him picture a hole that would swallow him up into the gray carpeting. "Um..."

Dr. Morgan used her well-practiced patience, as she waited for Soda's answer, letting several seconds pass, before prompting him. "Sodapop, remember there's no right or wrong answer."

"I- Yeah. I have. But I try to make them go away. I don't mean to think anything like that."

"No one does. It's okay. Is there any history of suicide or suicide attempts in your family?"

"No."

"Do the thoughts you have ever make you want to harm yourself?"

"Yeah."

"Do they lead you to consider suicide?"

Soda lifted both hands to cover his face, fingers pressing hard to tear-filled eyes. "I- I'm sorry. I can't. But I'm not going to do it. I swear."

"You can't what, Sodapop?"

"Please make it go away. How do I make it stop?"

"What is it you want to go away? How can I help you?"

"The thoughts... Please help me. It always hurts. It hurts since they left. Then, Pony almost- And Steve. I can't take anymore."

"Who left?"

"Mom and Dad."

"And who are Pony and Steve? You mentioned you have brothers."

"My little brother. And my best friend. Darry. I need Darry."

"Is that your other brother?"

"Don't want him to ever leave me."

"Sodapop? Can you please let me see your eyes?"

"Pony was supposed to come back, not run away. Darry didn't mean to."

"Can you tell me what you're thinking about right now?"

"Stevie wasn't supposed to do that. I can't lose him too."

Dr. Morgan moved her own chair closer to Soda's, her voice soft, as she spoke to her new patient. "Sodapop, can we back up please? I'm happy to listen to anything you have to say. But I think we're on different pages. Can you-"

Soda stood to his feet, hands still covering his face, as he backed into the painted wall, beside the book shelf. "Please help me. I don't want to kill myself."

Dr. Morgan knelt in front of her patient, as Soda let himself sink to the floor. "Sodapop, that's what I want to do. I want to help you. Please listen to my voice."

"I need Darry. Can you get Darry?"

"Is he the one who was in the waiting room with you?"

"He's here. He came with me. He promised."

"Okay. I'll be right back, Sodapop."

"Please. I need him."

Dr. Morgan moved swiftly out the office door and down the hallway. She opened the waiting room door, her eyes immediately finding Darry right where Soda had left him. "Are you Darry Curtis?"

Darry nodded, questions burning in his gaze. "Yes. What's going on?"

Steve sat up straight, looking between Darry and Dr. Morgan. "Is Soda okay?"

Dr. Morgan focused on Darry, her voice firm. "Your brother's asking for you."

Darry was on his feet within a second, about to follow Dr. Morgan.

Steve moved just as quickly, stopping Darry with a hand on his shoulder. "Darry? I gotta head back to school soon. Please make sure he knows I was here."

"I will, Steve. Don't worry."

Steve watched Darry walk away, the door easing closed behind him with a soft, deafening click. Please, Soda, he thought. Please be all right. Whatever's going on back there, please be okay. You _have_ to be okay.

* * *

Lightning flashed in his brown eyes, grief and loss at the center of the storm that had shaken his foundation.


	40. Chapter 40

Flashes of the past carried into the present, echoes of emotions flowing out to create a restorative breakthrough.

* * *

"Hey, Sodapop. I'm here, little buddy. Just like I promised you. What happened?"

Soda's eyes stared at Darry, his whole body shaking, as he remained against the wall in Dr. Morgan's office. "They're gone. Mom and Dad. Never got to say goodbye."

Darry got down on his knees beside Soda, arms automatically going around his little brother. "I know. I know you didn't."

Dr. Morgan remained close by, watching the scene between brothers unfold in front of her.

Tears fell from Soda's eyes, the droplets moving down his cheeks and soaking into Darry's shirt, his vulnerability laying bare in this office he'd been so scared to set foot in since hearing of the impending appointment. "He shot me. Wonder if he was like Dal."

Darry kept Soda in the tender hold, as if they were the only two in the room. "We'll never know that, Pepsi Cola. But you made it, and that's all that matters to me."

Soda held tighter to Darry, his mind and emotions still flashing through the past. "Johnny saved Pony. I wasn't there. He ran away from us. I'm sorry, Darry. I'm sorry."

Darry bowed his head, burying his face in Soda's golden hair, tears about to fall from his own eyes. "That wasn't your fault. It was mine."

Soda sobbed harder, every size and shade of grief making itself known. "I tried. I tried to be enough. For you. For Pony."

God, what did I miss? Darry thought. What did I miss back then? "You're everything to us, Sodapop. You know that. I love you. Pony loves you. You're more than enough, and you don't even have to try for us."

"Sandy left. Wasn't enough for her."

"That wasn't about you, little buddy."

Soda shifted, so that he could look up at Darry's face, seeing a steady flow of tears on his brother's cheeks. "You're crying too."

Darry shook his head and guided Soda's back to his chest. "Shh. Don't worry about that. It's okay."

Soda's thoughts flowed out once more, transparency holding its own. "Don't want Penny to see."

"She loves you too, Pepsi Cola."

Soda blinked his eyes, able to feel Darry trembling. "Sorry. So sorry."

Darry's gaze briefly wandered over to Dr. Morgan, again aware of her presence. "Is it okay for us to still be here?"

Dr. Morgan nodded, recognizing the value in what she was witnessing. "It's fine. We still have time."

Darry heard Soda sigh, feeling his brother's body relax, as if spent from the emotion. "It's okay, little buddy. Hey, Steve wanted me to tell you he was here."

Soda squeezed his eyes shut, pushing back the tears that still wanted to come. "Don't want to drag him down with me. So much pain."

Darry tightened his arms around Soda, trying to soothe him. "You're not dragging him down, Sodapop. Not at all. It's like Nicholas said, being there for you is part of taking care of himself. We all want to take care of you."

Seeing how much calmer Soda was, Dr. Morgan moved closer to him. "Sodapop?"

Soda lifted his head from Darry's chest, looking over at the doctor who had never left the room. "Yeah?"

Dr. Morgan gave Soda a small smile. "Is it okay if we finish talking now? I'd really like to help you."

Soda had yet to let go of Darry, as he took a deep breath. "Can my brother stay?"

Dr. Morgan nodded, her new patient's needs getting clearer. "Yes. As long as it's fine with you for him to hear what we talk about and you're comfortable, he can absolutely stay."

* * *

What if I shouldn't have left? Steve thought, as he parked the Ford in the school lot. Maybe I should've just stayed there. What if-

A tap on his window interrupted his thoughts, and Steve turned his head to see Pony. He pushed open the driver's side door and slid out of the car. "What's going on, Kid?"

Pony stood beside the Ford, eyes searching Steve's face. "Did you go to Soda's appointment?"

Steve shut the car door, as he shoved the keys in his pocket. "Yes. Got a problem with that now too?"

"How'd it go?"

"I don't really know, Ponyboy. He was back in Dr. Morgan's office. I sat in the waiting room with Darry. Only thing I do know is the doc came and said Soda was asking for him."

"He was asking for Darry?"

"Yeah. So he went back there, and I left not long after that. Not that I wanted to."

"She seem nice? Dr. Morgan, I mean."

"Sure. Yeah. I guess if she'd come out and get Darry, that's a good sign. That bitch he saw before couldn't have cared less if he needed any of us with him."

"You'll be at my house later, right?"

"Of course. I'm not working this afternoon, so right after class lets out. Why?"

"Cause I want to do what you said, Steve. I want to be real with you."

* * *

_Soda let out a high-pitched whistle, as he watched Sandy walk toward the bowling lane to roll the ball. "Looking good, baby."_

_ Steve sat next to Soda, one arm around Evie's waist, as he shoved his best friend. "Keep it in your pants, man."  
_

_Soda looked away from Sandy to stick his tongue out at Steve. "You're just sore cause I've got more strikes than you."  
_

_Steve smirked. "Yeah, right. I got three in a row. You ain't got more than two all night."_

_ Soda saw Sandy taking her second turn, whistling again when she looked back at him. "You got it, Sandy. Knock down the rest of those pins, sweetheart."_

_ Sandy stepped forward and let the ball roll down the lane, knocking down the last two pins. She turned to head back and sit with the group, only for Soda to rush up to her._

_ Soda lifted Sandy off the floor and spun her around, as she laughed. "That was a great shot, babe. I love being here with you."  
_

_Sandy felt her feet touch the floor, after Soda stopped spinning. "Thanks, Sodapop."_

_ Steve let out a whistle of his own. "Hey, you two, if it's all right, we'd like to get on with the game sometime tonight."_

_ Soda, his hands on Sandy's hips, grinned, as he called back to his best friend. "Oh, hold your horses, Stevie. We've got plenty of time. I'm enjoying being with my girl."_

_ Sandy felt Soda cup her face, as she looked up at him. "I'm your girl, huh?"  
_

_Soda stared into Sandy's blue eyes. "Of course you're my girl. You have been since the day I met you."_

* * *

"So I told Steve all of it. I told him what I was planning to do."

Dr. Morgan made a few notes on her clipboard before speaking to Soda. "I know this is difficult, Sodapop. But I have to ask you what kind of plan you had in mind."

Soda glanced at Darry, who had pulled a chair up near his own. He felt his big brother take his hand, then turned back to Dr. Morgan. "I was thinking of taking a bunch of cough syrup and going to sleep in the bath tub."

Darry squeezed Soda's hand, his head bowed. It would destroy me to find you like that, little buddy, he thought. I'd break into so many pieces, no one could ever put me back together.

Dr. Morgan wrote more notes, before turning to the next sheet of paper on her clipboard. "Okay. So are you telling me you are no longer planning to attempt to take your own life?"

Soda squeezed Darry's hand, his return grip even tighter. "I'm not planning to do it anymore. Honest. I mean, I'm not saying I don't have the thoughts, but I ain't feeling as much like I can't get through it."

Dr. Morgan looked down at her paper, mentally noting the next lines, before focusing wholly on Soda. "Do you have access to the type of medication you were referring to, or any others that would have that same effect?"

Soda started to shake his head, but then hesitated. "Well, there's none at home. There used to be, but it got poured out. But it wouldn't be hard to get. I mean, I was thinking of getting it at the drug store. That's why I gave Darry the money I had. Cause I was going to wait and see if I got better at all."

Dr. Morgan nodded, her pen moving once again. "So not immediate access then. You couldn't act impulsively without first being much more deliberate. Do you have access to firearms, or any other weapons?"

Soda shook his head fully this time. "No. Nothing like that anywhere. I couldn't even look at a gun anyway."

Dr. Morgan flipped to the next sheet of paper, her pen still for the moment, her mind forming a strategy.

Soda didn't wait for her to speak, his next thought rolling right off his tongue. "Please don't put me in the hospital. I'm being real honest. I won't try to kill myself. I'll talk to Darry and to Steve. I'll even talk to you as much as you want me to. It's hard not to think about it cause I've been sad so much, but I really won't."

Darry heard the tears in Soda's voice and longed to hold his brother again, but settled for giving his hand another squeeze to remind him of his presence.

Dr. Morgan's pen moved across the paper, getting her thoughts down, as she spoke. "I do not believe it is necessary to hospitalize you at this point, Sodapop. In fact, between what I observed earlier and what you've told me about the support system you have, I'd be concerned the potential risks could outweigh the benefits."

Soda's eyebrows furrowed, uncertainty clear in his expression. "You think it'd hurt me more to be in the hospital?"

Dr. Morgan's eyes met Soda's, able to see the relief that mingled with the tears. "Possibly, yes. I also don't believe you're in imminent danger at this time. Despite the intentions in your mind, you acted in a way to keep yourself safe. It sounds like you experienced some relief too, by confiding your thoughts and feelings in your brother and your friend."

Soda nodded in agreement, a weight of fear lifting completely off his shoulders. "Yeah. I did."

Dr. Morgan continued her line of reasoning. "And after not just hearing about, but also witnessing, the support you seek and your need for emotional and physical connection, I think outpatient therapy and treatment is best. That's actually my goal most of the time, Sodapop. I'm not out to put you somewhere you don't want to be unnecessarily. Admitting you is something I'd only do if I had reason to believe you need that supervision until you're stable."

Soda closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in the relief. "Okay. So what will you do for me then?"

Dr. Morgan stood to her feet, reaching for a card and her prescription pad. "There's a medicine I want you to try, and I want to see you often. I think you'll benefit greatly from frequent assessments and counseling."

* * *

"Should I just take you home instead, little buddy? That took a lot out of you."

Soda rested his head against the passenger seat of Darry's truck, his eyes closed. "I told Mr. Coleman I was coming back."

Darry turned out of the center's parking lot, as he looked over at his little brother, seeing how the appointment had taken both an emotional and a physical toll on him. "I know, but you just went through everything you've been feeling in a very short amount of time. I think you need the rest."

Soda's eyes didn't open, as he felt the truck moving along the road. "Better make these appointments in the afternoon from now on."

"Yeah. I was thinking the same thing."

"But what should I tell Mr. Coleman? He didn't even know what kind of doctor's appointment this was. I already missed all day yesterday."

"I know. But he doesn't want you there, if you're not up to it for any reason, and you know he'll understand if you explain, little buddy."

"I think he knows there's more going on than I've really told him anyway."

"I'm sure he does. He's been around you enough to notice things, and he knows you well. I'll take you home, and you can call him from there."

* * *

_"Come on, man. I still gotta drop Evie at her house."_

_ Soda waved Steve off, as he held Sandy's hands in his own, the couple standing together on her front porch. "I hope you had a good time."_

_ Sandy saw the porch light turn on, as she smiled at Soda. "My parents must be looking. I'll see you again soon, Sodapop."_

_ Soda felt Sandy's hands let go of his own, then watched as she went toward the front door. "I can't wait, Sandy." I think I love you, he thought, as he heard Steve's horn beep at him to hurry up. I'm going to go to bed tonight and dream about you. I always dream about you._

* * *

"Sodapop? Good. I was getting worried. I thought you'd be back before now."

Soda heard Mr. Coleman's voice on the line, as he pressed the receiver to his ear. "Um, yeah, is it okay if I take the rest of the afternoon off? It was, um, a rough appointment. I mean, I guess I should've told you more at first, but it wasn't just a normal doctor."

Mr. Coleman's voice came through the line again, his puzzlement clear, even on the phone. "Oh? Is something wrong?"

"Well, yeah. I saw the doctor cause of what's been happening since, you know, since the shooting. Cause I have flashbacks and other stuff too. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Okay. So you're seeing this one for counseling or something like that?"

"Yeah. I haven't been good, Sir. Not for a while, and today was hard. I'm worn out from crying and talking so much about everything."

"All right. I suspected more might be going on with you. Please take care of yourself, okay?"

"I will, Sir. Thank you."

"It's no problem. You know I want to help in any way that I can, Sodapop. Get some rest, and I'll see you tomorrow morning."

* * *

"Man, I think I've seen you asleep more than I've seen you awake lately."

Soda didn't stir at the sound of Steve's voice, head resting on the back of the couch and legs curled up on the cushions.

Steve turned on the TV, then sat down beside Soda, hand touching his best friend's arm.

"Stevie?"

Steve looked at Soda to see his brown eyes now open to slits. "Hey, buddy. I wasn't trying to wake you up."

Soda rubbed his eyes, opening them all the way, as he lifted his head up. "It's okay."

"I wasn't sure if you might've gone back to work after your appointment. So I checked here first."

"I didn't go back to work. I was going to, but it took too much out of me."

"I was in the waiting room with Darry when Dr. Morgan came and got him."

"He told me you were there."

Steve gave Soda a grin, as he squeezed his shoulder. "I'm so damn proud of you, buddy."

"You are?"

"Yeah. Cause you did it. You saw the doctor, like you needed to."

"I fell apart in there, Stevie."

"That's okay."

"I cried so much. She was asking me questions I knew she'd ask. And, I don't know. I just lost it."

"I knew you were probably having a hard time back there for her to get Darry. I hated leaving."

"She asked me if- if the thoughts I have make me consider suicide, and that was when I started falling apart."

Steve wordlessly pulled Soda into a hug, the question's implication making him squeeze his best friend tight.

Soda hugged Steve back, head resting on his shoulder. "Then, I was crying and talking about everything. Mom and Dad. Pony. Johnny and Dal. Sandy."

"You probably needed that, man."

"You too, Stevie. I was talking about you too."

Steve held Soda tighter, a weight on his chest making him draw in a sharp breath. "It's okay. That's okay, brother."

"Dr. Morgan heard all of it too. She heard everything I was saying."

"That's stuff she's going to need to know, buddy. So that's a good thing."

"She was real nice. She let me and Darry stay right there on the floor, and she let him stay after I calmed down too."

"She sounds a lot like Laura. She cares, and she wants to help you. You told her the truth, right? With all those questions?"

"Yeah. I did." Soda pulled away from the hug, one arm still around Steve. He touched his face, feeling the tears on his cheeks. "I didn't even know I was crying again."

Steve kept a hand on Soda's back. "Kind of hard not to when you're talking about this stuff, man. It's all right."

"I was real honest, Stevie."

"I'm glad, buddy. Cause I know how hard it is. So what's she going to do for you?"

"She said she thought it could hurt me more to be in the hospital. Cause of what she saw with me and Darry and what I told her about how I talk to ya'll."

"She doesn't want you to be in a place where you can't get to us, if you don't really need to be. Is that it?"

"Yeah. Sounded that way. And since I told ya'll what was going on, instead of actually trying to kill myself, she doesn't think I need to be in a hospital or anything right now. I mean, I'm sure it'd be different if I was still planning to do it, but I'm not. Cause talking to ya'll helped a lot."

"I bet she wants to see you a lot."

"Yeah. She gave me some medicine too. Not the same as yours. It starts with a 'T'."

"Is it an antidepressant?"

"Yeah."

"That could help, man. Maybe you'll feel a little better."

"Hey, Stevie, would you do something for me?"

"What do you need, buddy?"

"I have another appointment on Friday afternoon. If you aren't working, would you please come with me?"

"I'm only working tomorrow and Saturday, so of course I will."

"It's just, I know I'm eighteen and all that, but-"

"Don't. You know how my dad came with me all the time when I first started with Laura."

"Yeah. I remember."

"And I wasn't a little kid either. He even came back there with us one time and stayed. Cause I needed him. And if me or Darry being around is what _you_ need, that's all that matters."

* * *

_"You're where? What the hell did you do, Sodapop Patrick?"  
_

_Soda flinched at Darry's tone, the laugh he'd had earlier now forgotten, as he spoke into the receiver, a police officer staring him down. "Me and TwoBit were goofin' off."_

_ Darry's voice got even more serious, suspicion growing with his brother's vague answer. "Goofing off how?"_

_ "Doing handstands on the sidewalk. They said we were disturbing the peace or something like that."_

_ "What the hell is wrong with you? You can't pull stupid shit like that, Sodapop!"_

_ "I know, Darry. I'm sorry. Just please come and get me. I don't want to stay here."_

_ Darry's sigh came through the line, his little brother's plea still getting to him, no matter the trouble he was in at the moment. "Just hang on, little buddy. I'm coming right now. Please behave yourself til I get there. Got it?"_

_ "I get it, Dar. See you in a few minutes."_

_ The officer who'd been watching Soda spoke. "Time's up, Kid."_

_ Soda didn't respond, as he hung up the phone._

_ "If you ask me, you ought to stay here for the night. Maybe then, you'd learn something."  
_

_Soda took a seat on the bench, looking up just long enough to see that the cop's name tag read __Officer Green._

* * *

"You get some rest, little buddy?"

Soda saw Darry set his toolbelt down and shot him a grin. "Yeah. I was sleepin' great til Stevie here woke me up."

Steve lightly slapped Soda on the shoulder. "Yeah. Uh-huh. All my fault for disturbing your sleep."

Darry smiled at the two friends, putting a small paper bag down on the counter. "I picked up your medicine, Sodapop."

Soda walked over to the counter and picked up the bag, then pulled out the bottle of pills, seeing his name printed on the label.

Darry opened his mouth to speak, only for Soda to push the medicine back into the bag and rush out the door. He turned to Steve. "Any idea what that's about?"

Steve looked between Darry and the bag that held the medication Soda had told him about earlier. "No. Not really. I mean, he said Dr. Morgan gave him medicine, but that's it."

Darry looked out the window, seeing Soda sitting near the tree, where he'd found him sleeping that morning. "He tell you about how the appointment went?"

"Yeah. He did."

"I cried back there too cause I sure don't know how the hell Soda got here, and it's been coming for a long time from what he was saying."

"I think shit just built up, Superman. And he kept a lot of it in before. Probably didn't even realize that's what he was doing."

"It hasn't even been two and a half years since we lost our parents, Steve. It seems like a long time ago, but it really wasn't."

"I know."

"I keep thinking there's something I should've seen then or maybe right after. Or even when everything happened with Pony. I thought Soda was okay. But he had to be breaking apart inside."

"I sure didn't help, did I, Superman?"

"You didn't know either, Steve, and you were going through a lot too."

"Soda said you stayed when he was still talking to Dr. Morgan. Does that mean you heard him say what he'd been planning to do? He told me he was honest, and I know she must've asked."

"Yeah. I heard. And damn, the only thing I could do was sit there and hold his hand. I knew about the cough syrup part, but I didn't expect him to say he'd drown himself too. I thought of finding him like that and..."

"I know. Me too. There's no way to even explain how much that hurts. When he told me that Monday night, I don't know how I even kept breathing."

"I don't know if I should be saying this, but I know you saw it once too. I caught Soda hurting himself last night."

"I'm sorry, Darry. Maybe I should've told you about that, but Soda asked me not to, and since it wasn't exactly dangerous, I said I wouldn't."

"Don't apologize, Steve. I get why you didn't, and you always come to me when you need to."

"I'd told him just before that to think about seeing Dr. Morgan, but after, I told him he had to. It scared me to see him doing anything like that."

"Me too."

"I was going to come to you and tell you about the cough syrup, about how Soda was looking for it. But he told you himself."

"How long did it take him to tell you about that?"

"A week. He didn't tell me right away either. If he hadn't already had that appointment, I would've gone straight to you."

"I know." Darry nodded toward the window, where he could still see Soda outside. "Would you go talk to him please? It seems like he's usually more open with you."

Steve looked through the open window at Soda, as he moved to open the back door. "Sure, Superman. I got him." He made his way across the porch and down the steps.

Soda saw Steve coming toward him, then looked down at the ground, fingers brushing over the blades of glass. He didn't speak until his best friend was right beside him. "I feel funny about taking the pills, Stevie."

Steve's gaze wandered to Soda's arm, able to make out the fading scratches he knew to be from last night, the marks not far from his scar. "Do you know why?"

"Cause I haven't taken that kind of medicine before. It just seems different."

"It is different, man. But it's still medicine."

Soda was quiet, as he laid his head back against the tree behind him, eyes looking up at the branches.

Steve leaned back against the tree too, waiting for his best friend to say more.

"Does it mean I'm sick, Steve?"

"No. It just means you need something to help you get through all of this better than you might without it."

"Oh. I don't mean I think you're sick or anything or that you should feel funny about taking your medicine."

"I know that, buddy."

"Did it ever bother you to take it?"

"Yeah. Cause it bothered me to take pills at all."

"Yeah. I guess it would."

"But, as for it being that kind of medicine, I wouldn't have wanted to try it before. After my overdose though, it was different. I sure wanted Dr. Reynolds to let me out of the hospital, and I would've tried anything that might help."

"You still felt like hurting yourself after you started the medicine."

"Yeah. But with all that was going on, I think I dealt with it better. The medicine couldn't just make the feelings that would make me think like that go away, you know?"

"So what did it do for you then?"

"I slept better, and like Dr. Reynolds told me once, being well rested helps. He said it was about being able to cope, even if I still had the flashbacks and the suicidal thoughts. I think the medicine made me feel less anxious too, and that's sure something you need."

"You think you're always going to need it?"

"I don't know. Maybe. I think it's better to have the support. At least for a while."

"You're not on as much of it now as you were, are you?"

"Nah. Dr. Reynolds upped the dose after that one time when I'd been thinking about trying to kill myself again. But he lowered it a few months ago, and I still kept doing all right."

Soda became quiet once more, turning slightly so that his back was to Steve.

Steve grinned, despite the silence that was beginning to feel heavy. "Hey, man, why are we talking about me when we're supposed to be talking about you?"

Soda didn't respond right away, finding that it was hard to speak. "Stevie?"

Steve felt the grin slide right off his face, as he put his hand on Soda's shoulder. "What is it, buddy? What did seeing that medicine make you think about?"

"What if I feel like taking too many of those pills?"

Steve moved so that he could look right at Soda's face. "If that's something you're worried about, get Darry to hold onto the medicine for you. You know he will, and then, you'll be safer."

"Looking at the bottle, that was the first thing that came into my head."

"After everything you've told me lately, I'm not shocked by that at all, man. With the place you're in right now, it makes sense."

"I hate it, Stevie. I hate myself."

"Hey!"

Soda startled, his eyes moving up to meet Steve's, as his best friend gripped each of his arms.

"Stop it! There ain't a hateful bone in your body, Sodapop. So don't ever say that."

"Sorry."

Steve saw Soda's eyes drop back down and lifted a hand to gently tap the side of his face, making him look up again. "It's all right, buddy. I didn't mean to be so harsh either. I just don't want you to start talking like that cause it'll really get stuck in your head. You dig? And it'll hurt you even more than you already are."

"Are you still my friend?"

"Of course I am. Nothing I've said to you lately has changed. You're my best friend, my brother. No feeling you've got or words you can say could mess that up. We've got one hell of a bond, buddy, and it ain't about to break."

* * *

"Hey, Steve?"

Steve stood on the Curtis' front porch, turning at the sound of Pony's voice. "What is it, Kid?"

Pony stepped outside, seeing the car keys in Steve's hand. "You hate leaving Soda, don't you?"

"Of course I do. What the hell else could you expect?"

"I didn't expect any different. Just saying."

"What do you want, Ponyboy? I really am about to head home."

"I want to talk to you."

"So talk."

"No. I mean _really _talk. And it's not stuff I want to risk Soda hearing."

"Okay. So what then? You want to come over to my house or something?"

"Yeah. I guess so."

Steve started to walk down the porch steps, waving Pony along with him. "All right then, Kid. Let's go. I don't got all night."

* * *

Curious eyes watched from inside the Curtis' house, the gaze a mix of anxiety and uncertainty, but glazed with a hint of pride.


	41. Chapter 41

In the midst of conflict, grace was extended, as new links of trust were born through transparency.

* * *

"All right, Kid, spill it. Like I said, I don't got all night."

Pony sat on Steve's bedroom floor, ignoring the other Greaser's request for the moment, as he looked around. "Have I ever even been in here before?"

Steve sat down near Pony, letting out a short laugh, despite himself. "Not for more than a minute, I'm sure."

"We've only really talked in your car most of the time."

"Yeah. That's true. But come on, Kid. Tell me whatever the hell it is you need to."

"Gee, you're really making me understand why Soda talks to you so much."

"You can shove the sarcasm up your ass, Kid."

"I'd rather not, Steve, if you don't mind."

Steve let out a heavy sigh, arms crossed over his chest. "Okay. Enough of this shit. What's on your mind? Are you wanting to tell me what was up with you last night?"

"Yeah. I actually am. I really am sorry too. I shouldn't have been like that, and I get it if you're still pissed."

"Well, since you're sitting here with me, I guess I'm not too pissed anymore. I'm going to level with you though, Ponyboy. Anger ain't the main thing I felt. I bawled in Darry's arms in the middle of the kitchen."

"You did?"

"Yeah. It hurt, Kid. Because you brought up something that was hard for me to even tell you and because Soda means a lot to me. He always has, and you know it too. Yeah, he's _your _brother, but I care about him every bit as much as you do."

"I know. Any idiot could see that."

Steve eyed Pony, a smile forming on his face. "You calling yourself an idiot, Kid?"

Pony felt himself smile back, as he shoved Steve. "No. I ain't calling myself an idiot. Though I must've been close last night to say all that stuff and risk you beating my head in."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Oh. Please. You knew I wouldn't lay a hand on you. Mostly cause of Soda."

"Well, Darry was standing there too so..."

"Yeah, yeah. Superman would flip his lid, if I ever hit you. But still, I couldn't. I just couldn't cause it's you. No matter how much of a pain in the ass you're set on being and no matter that I know you were actually wanting to hurt me."

"I didn't _want _to hurt you, Steve."

"Could've fooled me, Kid. You brought up the abuse that you know put me through hell, and to top it off, you were using it to make it sound like my friendship with Soda shouldn't be how it is or something. We don't talk like we do just cause I was abused. Clara was a psycho though, so I'll give you that much."

"I just wish he'd talk to me too, Steve. That's all."

"Bullshit. I know there's more to it. You ain't any better at covering up your feelings than Soda is."

"How could you know there's more to it? You think you know so much. And Soda talks to you like he believes you know everything about stuff. It ain't fair."

"You're jealous."

"No, I ain't. I ain't jealous of anything, Steve Randle. I just don't get it. It shouldn't just be you all the time."

"Why not?"

"Cause I don't have anybody who talks to me like that. Not anymore."

"What do you mean 'not anymore'?"

"Johnny, okay? I'm talking about Johnny! Are you happy?"

"No. I ain't happy, Kid. Are you telling me you're hurting now cause me and Soda make you think of you and Johnny?"

"I never said I was hurting."

"You didn't have to. You wouldn't be saying any of what you are if you weren't."

"Oh. Like you know me so damn well."

"I know you well enough, Ponyboy. I've known you since you were what? Three years old? Besides, I ain't gotta know much to figure out you're hurting. You're sitting here and letting me see it."

"Well, maybe I shouldn't. I ain't Soda, in case you haven't noticed."

"Oh. Believe me, Kid. I've noticed. But if you just want to give me a hard time, why'd you ask to come over here? You said you wanted to be real with me, so go on ahead. I'm listening, even if you do seem to resent the hell out of me right now."

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

"Look, Kid. I'm going to level with you here again. No, you're not Soda, but I _do_ care about you, all right? And something made you come to me today, so whatever all it is, don't fuckin' bottle it up. If you do, you'll end up doing worse than lashing out at me."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, but I don't want you to end up hurting Soda cause of what's bothering you."

"It barely even makes any sense, Steve. I wanted to tell you earlier, but I don't know. It's crazy."

"I bet it ain't crazy. So far, I'm getting that you want Soda to talk to you, and somehow, it makes you think about Johnny."

"I guess it's just when I knew you'd spent all night with Soda, even slept right beside him, it did remind me of me and Johnny. But not just in any old way. It made me think of when we were in Windrixville."

"What about when you were in Windrixville? I don't really know much about when you and Johnny were gone. Except for what was happening around here, obviously. So what are you remembering, Kid?"

"Me and Johnny talked a lot, while we were there in that church. Each other was all we had. It was like the rest of the world couldn't even exist, especially at night."

"I know it had to be tough for both of you, Ponyboy. For what it's worth, I've always been glad you were safe."

"Johnny saved my life, Steve. He saved me from drowning. He took care of me while we were gone too."

"Yeah. I'm sure he had your back the whole time, and there was no way Johnny was ever going to let those Socs kill you in that fountain."

"He saved my life in the fire too. He made sure I got out of there in time."

"He was a good buddy, Kid. The gang was all he really had too. We were his real family."

"Johnny had it so much harder than I ever could, but he always listened to me. We could talk about anything with each other."

"He listened to you cause it ain't a contest about who's got it harder. You haven't had it easy either, by the way. Not even before all of that happened."

"He talked to me too, about how he felt and stuff like that. Even told me once he was going to kill himself cause he couldn't take it all anymore."

"You told me about him saying that."

"And now, Soda is feeling like that, and he'll barely tell me anything. He spends his nights telling you about it. So it's the two of you shut off from the world, like no one else exists."

* * *

"Darry, could you do something for me?"

Darry closed his checkbook and tucked the bills into his desk drawer, turning his attention to Soda. "Sure. What is it?"

Soda held the bottle of antidepressant pills, rolling it between his hands. "Can you keep these for me?"

Darry stood from his chair and reached for Soda's wrist, pulling him further into the room. "Yes. I can. But tell me why."

"Cause I'm afraid of what I could do."

Darry took the bottle of medication from Soda and set it on the dresser, before guiding his brother to sit down with him on the bed. "Dr. Morgan pulled me aside for a second right before we left earlier because she wanted to make sure someone would be keeping an eye on you with the medication anyway."

"Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense."

"Because of what you told her about the cough syrup and because she wants to make sure you do take it everyday too."

"I will, Dar. I'll take it like I'm supposed to. I just had these thoughts come into my head as soon as I looked at the bottle, and I don't know, it makes me nervous."

"It's okay, little buddy. It doesn't mean you'll do anything you shouldn't, and I'm glad you came and told me."

"I'm glad you were there with me today, Darry. I don't think I'd have made it without you."

Darry took Soda's hand and held it. "I'm glad I was too. But you did great, you know that? Cause you told Dr. Morgan everything. Even a lot of what you said while you were crying told her things that will be important. I think she learned quite a bit about you already."

"She was real easy to talk to, and she didn't even mind that I broke down."

"I could tell you were comfortable with her, and she sure didn't seem to mind coming to get me. She was very patient about all of it, and that's definitely the kind of person you need."

Soda squeezed his brother's hand, remembering all he'd said on the floor in Dr. Morgan's office. "I've sure got a lot bothering me, don't I, Darry?"

"Yeah. You do. Sounds like it's been there a while too. But you're going to pull through it. So you just hang in there, little buddy. You took a big step today, and that's going to make a huge difference."

* * *

_"What the hell possessed the two of you to go acting like damn acrobats on a public sidewalk?"_

_ Soda shrugged, a grin forming on his face, as he got into the passenger seat of Darry's truck. "I don't know, Dar. Just havin' fun."  
_

_Darry climbed into the driver's seat, before slamming the door shut. "I don't know what you're grinning about. Especially not when we're still in the parking lot of the police station."  
_

_"It ain't like we were hurting anyone."_

_ "Sodapop, do you even get it?"  
_

_"Get what?"_

_ "You're lucky they're not calling child services."_

_ "But why would they do that? We weren't doing anything bad, Darry. I swear it!"_

_ "I know that, little buddy. But you still got arrested. I just got custody of you and Pony months ago, and you got in trouble with the police."_

_ "Oh. I wasn't- I wasn't even thinking about it like that. I was just glad they didn't make me stay here, and you didn't either."_

_"You never thought I would, did you?"_

_"No. Not really. I just hated being in there, cop looking at me, like I did something awful. He didn't have to arrest us."_

_"You're right about that. But, all the same, no more goofin' off anywhere but at home. I'm not about to lose ya'll just cause you got bored."_

_"Sorry, Dar. I wouldn't ever want to do anything to get taken away from you. I won't cause anymore trouble, I promise."_

* * *

"Kid, you don't have to try that hard not to cry. Not like I haven't seen it before."

Pony closed his eyes, trying to hold back the tears, knowing Steve was looking right at him. "I've cried in front of you a lot lately."

Steve put a gentle hand on Pony's back, as he leaned closer to him. "Yeah. But it ain't a big deal to me. You know I cry too. Hell, I'd rather you cry than be yelling at me and shit."

"I won't ever say anything like I did last night again, Steve. You didn't deserve that. I'm sad, and I took it out on you."

"Yeah. I think I get it now, Kid."

"I wish Johnny hadn't died."

"I know. I do too, Ponyboy. We all do."

"Besides Soda, I was closer to him than anybody else. He understood me."

Steve was silent for a moment, his hand still on Pony's back, seeing that he was finally giving in to the tears.

"Steve, I don't want Soda to die."

"He's not, Kid."

"But Darry told me he was having a lot of suicidal thoughts, and it made ya'll think he was going to hurt himself."

"We did think that, but he didn't hurt himself."

"You think he'll always come to you when he feels like that?"

"Yeah. I do, Ponyboy."

"Soda told me it helped to talk that night, just like you said. If I ever felt like he is, he's the first one I'd go to."

"Just keep telling him you're there for him. Like I've said before, even if Soda doesn't tell you everything, you can still be there. Maybe you should tell him what you told me about Johnny and stuff."

"Maybe I will. I guess I am kind of jealous, Steve. But I swear I don't mean to be."

"I know. Come here, Kid." Steve drew Pony close and wrapped his arms around him.

Pony, stunned at the action, took a few seconds to hug back. Yet, once he did, he melted into the embrace, no longer trying to hold back the cries.

Steve held onto Pony, letting several moments pass, before he spoke. "Hey, do you even know what you're doing, Kid?

"Huh? You mean bawlin' on your shoulder?"

"Well, yeah. You are doing that. But you're also breaking that heart no one's supposed to know I have."

Pony smiled, despite the lingering tears on his face. "I don't know, Steve. I think that secret's already out."

* * *

"Hey, TwoBit. Where you been lately?"

TwoBit joined Soda on the Curtis' couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table. "Oh. You know. Here and there."

Soda finished off his plate of food, setting it down on the end table. "Here and there, huh? Nothing fun?"

"Nah. Not really. How about you? I hear you're running wild."

Soda chuckled, as he propped his own feet up next to TwoBit's. "Yeah. I'm out of control, man. Totally reckless."

TwoBit stared at Soda, the smile gradually fading from his face. "Are you okay, Sodapop?"

"Sure. I'm okay. Why?"

"Cause I've heard some of what's been going on with you lately."

"Oh. Well, I'm not as bad as I was."

TwoBit nodded his head toward Soda's right arm. "How's the arm and all that?"

Soda followed TwoBit's gaze for a moment, then looked back up at his friend. "All right, really. I mean, I have symptoms sometimes cause of the nerve, but it's better."

"How's your head?"

"My head?"

"Yeah. How are you feeling?"

"I told you I'm okay."

TwoBit pulled his feet off the coffee table and put them flat on the floor, his eyes on Soda. "I'll just ask for real then. Are you still thinking what I've heard you were? Are you feeling like doing something to hurt yourself?"

"No, TwoBit. I'm not. Not right now anyway, and if I do, I still won't."

TwoBit put a hand on Soda's shoulder, his grey eyes void of all their usual cheer. "Look I know Darry and Steve both have got your back, and neither of them is about to budge when it comes to you. But I want you to know, even when it's this serious, you've got me too."

* * *

_"Man, I wish I would've been there."_

_ TwoBit chuckled, agreeing with Steve, as he recounted the sidewalk acrobatics from the Curtis' front porch. "Yeah. I was trying to do a cartwheel, but I kind of missed."_

_ Soda sat on the porch swing, smiling, despite the heaviness that had been cast over the incident. "Kind of missed? You landed on your ass, instead of your feet."_

_ Steve laughed at the image. "Yep, you were disturbing something all right. I ain't sure why they call it peace cause there's sure none of that in Tulsa anyway."_

_ TwoBit shook his head, running a hand down on of his rusty sideburns. "Hell, no, there ain't. The fuzz just didn't want us raining on their parade. Probably wanted to haul us in just to have something to do."_

_ Soda looked out into the frontyard, grin still there, as he reflected. "Yeah, they ain't got any kind of sense of humor."_

_ Steve dropped down onto the swing beside Soda, arm casually draping around his best friend's shoulders. "Yeah. It was a bullshit arrest all right. That's all it was."_

* * *

"Hey, Pone, you and Steve off bonding or something?"

Pony stepped onto the back porch, where Soda sat on the steps, an ice pack on the concrete beside him. "Hey, that's going to melt, ain't it?"

Soda chuckled, his arm and hand still cold from where the ice pack had been on his skin. "Not too soon, it won't. I'll put it back in the freezer. You didn't answer my question."

Pony sat down beside Soda, green eyes staring out into the backyard, before landing on his middle brother. "Yeah. I guess we were."

Soda slipped his arm around Pony and rested his head on top of his little brother's. "I'm sorry, Pony."

Pony wrapped his arm around Soda's waist, finding that he was soaking in his presence. "Sorry? Why, Soda?"

"Cause I know you want me to tell you more than I have. But I can't- I can't do that to you."

"You can't do what to me?"

"Destroy the way you've always seen me."

"What do you mean? How do you believe I see you?"

"Like I'm happy all the time. Like nothing can hurt me the way it can everybody else."

"I don't think stuff can't hurt you, Soda, and maybe I used to think you were happy all the time. But now, I know different."

"I ain't perfect either, Pony, and I'm not as strong as you think I am. I can't just smile and make all this go away."

"I'm not expecting you to, and I know you're not perfect. Just cause I look up to you doesn't mean I think you are. You are strong though, even if you don't always feel like it. You wouldn't be sitting here telling me all this, if you weren't."

"I love you, Pony, and I'm sorry I keep disappointing you. I ain't so happy-go-lucky anymore, am I?"

"No. Maybe you aren't. But you're still my brother, and I love you more than anyone in the world. You haven't disappointed me at all. How could you? It ain't your fault you're sad, and it ain't even your fault that you can't tell me everything."

"What did you and Steve talk about?"

"Mostly me and Johnny."

"Oh. I didn't expect that." Soda lifted his head up, but still kept his arm around Pony. "Are you okay, Kiddo? You can still talk to me, you know. I wouldn't want you to think you can't, no matter what I'm going through."

"I don't. It's not that. It's just I was kind of a jerk to Steve when he stopped by last night, and I had to straighten it out."

"Oh. I'm real glad ya'll are getting along, Pone. It's tuff to see."

"Yeah. Me too. He's made me get why he's your best friend."

"So what did that have to do with you and Johnny?"

"I guess I just miss him, you know?"

"Yeah. I know. I miss him too."

"And you and Steve, well, ya'll make me miss him more cause of the way you're always talking about stuff."

"I'm sorry, Pony. I didn't know that."

"It ain't your fault, Soda. And even though I kind of got where I didn't sound like it, I'm glad you have Steve."

"It sounds like I ain't the only one who has Steve."

"Yeah. I guess you're not. I know I've told you I'm here for you and all that. But, this time, I want to say it's okay to come and tell me if you're having the suicidal thoughts or anything else. It's also okay if you don't. Cause all I want to know, what matters the most, is that you talk to someone. Even if it's not me."

* * *

"God, it's just felt so much more real the last couple of days. And like it's hitting me over and over again."

Nicholas looked out at Steve, seeing his son's lips moving in prayer, before he opened the front door. "Hey, Son. You okay?"

Steve shook his head from his place on the porch swing. "No, Dad. I'm not."

Nicholas didn't hesitate in joining Steve, immediately coming to sit down beside him. "What's going on?"

Steve reached for Nicholas' hand, then laid his head on his shoulder. "I'm just shaken up from everything."

"I know, Son. But just keep doing what you are. Keep being there." Nicholas squeezed the hand that had covered his own, as he looked up, his belief in God not fading. "And keep praying."

* * *

_Soda smiled at the girl before him, his mind already fast-forwarding to a future that didn't seem so out of reach."I love you, Sandy."_

_ Sandy's blue eyes met Soda's brown ones that were genuine, as he waited for her reply. "I love you too, Soda."_

* * *

"Darry, wake up. Something's wrong."

Darry heard Soda's voice, picking up on its urgency, even as he could barely open his eyes. "Huh? What is it?"

Soda lie on the bed beside Darry, as a tingling sensation moved throughout his entire body, his ears ringing. "Don't know. Just feel weird and weak."

Darry felt sleep lose its grip on him and sat up to turn on his bedside lamp, the light letting him get a better look at Soda, whose skin appeared flushed. "You think it's the anxiety you've had lately?"

Soda's vision blurred, as he looked up at Darry, his chest getting tight in a way that felt unfamiliar. "No. Feels different. Worse."

Darry watched Soda's eyes close, his body still for only seconds, before it started to jerk and shake, the movements out of control.

* * *

A call was placed and sirens blared, red lights flashing within the night to signal that help was on the way.


	42. Chapter 42

Peace found its way into spirits that had been stricken by panic.

* * *

"He had a what? Why?"

Dr. Jones, the attending physician, spoke to Darry, his voice calm and concise, despite the late hour. "Sodapop had a seizure. I take it this has never happened before?"

Darry dropped down into the plastic chair around the corner from Soda's space in the emergency room, head in his hands, as he fought to comprehend the night's events. "No. It hasn't happened before. I knew that's what it looked like, but what could've caused it?"

"You indicated he's on a new prescription, right?" Dr. Jones looked down at the patient information on the clipboard he held. "Tofranil?"

"Yes. He just took the first dose before going to bed."

"It's not a common effect, but seizures can happen as a result of that antidepressant and others in its class."

"So what now then? Will he be okay, if he just doesn't take it anymore?"

"Unless there is another underlying cause, then yes. Based on the timing and the fact that Sodapop doesn't have a fever or any other symptoms of illness, it's likely the medication caused him to have the seizure. However, I'd prefer to admit him and keep him here for observation at least until this afternoon."

* * *

"What'd the doctor say, Darry? Is he going to be all right?"

Darry took the other chair next to Pony's, both of them at Soda's bedside, as the middle brother slept. "Yes. He's going to be all right, Pone. He had a seizure that the doctor believes was from the medicine he started taking last night."

Pony's eyes widened, as he looked at Soda, his own hand wrapping around his brother's. "He didn't- he didn't take too much of it or anything, did he?"

Darry put his hand over Pony's, so that both of them were holding onto Soda. "No, Pone. I saw him take it. It was just the one pill."

"Then, how could this happen?"

"I'm not sure. But any medicine can have side effects, right? Like when Soda had that reaction to the pain medicine after-"

"Don't let them keep me here. Please, Darry."

Darry turned his attention to Soda, standing to his feet and leaning over him, so that their faces were close. "It's okay, Sodapop. They're just going to watch you to make sure it doesn't happen anymore. That's all."

Soda looked between his two brothers, confusion sewn into his expression. "But what happened? What did I do? Whatever it is-"

Darry lowered himself onto the edge of the bed and touched Soda's cheek, seeing the tears that had formed in his brother's troubled brown eyes. "Shh. You didn't do anything, little buddy. You had a seizure in the middle of the night. The doctor thinks the medicine caused it. Don't you remember coming to me and saying you felt weird, like something was off?"

Soda heaved in a deep breath, a lone tear dripping down his cheek. "Yeah. Kind of. It's sorta fuzzy."

Darry tried to keep the tremble out of his voice, drawing on depleted strength, as he recounted the memory to Soda. "You got in my bed with me, and then, you started seizing. Scared me to death, Pepsi Cola."

Soda stared at Darry, able to see the tears he was holding back. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

Pony moved to the other side of Soda's bed, sitting right next to him. "It's not your fault, Soda. You heard Darry. The medicine caused it somehow. That's all."

Darry nodded, brushing away another tear that had fallen from Soda's eye. "That's right. It just happened. I'm glad you woke me up when you did, so you weren't alone."

Soda felt more of the memory coming back to him. "Something just felt wrong. Like I was anxious. But more than that too. When can I go home, Dar?"

Darry put a hand in Soda's hair, brushing his fingers through the messy, golden strands. "Sometime this afternoon. You won't be here very long, and it's really early. So you just need to sleep for right now."

* * *

"Oh my God, Darry. I'm so glad he's okay. Steve should be up, so I'm going to talk to him now. I'm sure he'll be by soon. Thanks for calling."

Nicholas set the phone receiver back in its cradle, both relief and alarm within him. He made his way to Steve's room, seeing that his son was up and getting dressed. "Hey, Steve, that was Darry on the phone."

Steve buttoned his jeans, fear enveloping him, as he looked at his dad. "Why? Why would he be calling this early?"

Nicholas stepped into the room and pulled Steve to sit on the bed with him. "First, you need to hear me say Sodapop is okay, and he did not hurt himself."

"Then, what the hell happened? Dad, please tell me."

"He had a seizure in the middle of the night, Son. He had just come into Darry's room and woke him up because he wasn't feeling right. It lasted a few minutes, from what he told me, and he called for help."

"Soda's never had seizures before."

"I know. Darry said that too. The doctor Sodapop saw believes it was caused by the antidepressant, since he doesn't have a history of anything like this."

"Damn it, Dad. Soda was so scared about something going wrong with seeing Dr. Morgan. And it did. That medicine wasn't supposed to hurt him."

"He'll be okay though, Son. They're keeping him at the hospital for now, just to make sure he's all right and that it won't happen again."

"He must hate being there."

"He's just sleeping, Darry said. But he has been awake and talking."

Steve picked up the t-shirt he'd laid out on his bed and pulled it over his head. "Like hell I'm going to school this morning. That can wait. I'm going to see Soda."

* * *

_"Where the hell could he be? It's almost one in the morning!"_

_ Soda watched Darry pace the living room, shoving his own fear and unease down into the deep corners of his heart. "He'll be back, Dar. You know Pony. Probably just got caught up talking to Johnny or something."_

_ Darry only paced faster, his worry masked by anger. "He better be back soon. Damn it, Sodapop! I can't even call the police or anything. I'd lose both of you just cause Pony can't bother to use his head!"_

_ Soda picked up the newspaper that had lay on the coffee table and shoved it at Darry, as he gently pushed his brother into the recliner. "Sit down, Dar. Stop pacing and relax. Pony will be home any minute. I just know it."_

* * *

Soda's brown eyes opened and looked around the hospital room he'd been moved to, its emptiness threatening to swallow him whole. He lifted his head up off the pillow, drawing himself into a sitting position, as he stared at the identifying bracelet on his wrist, then the closed door.

I don't want to be alone here, Soda thought. Where are Pony and Darry? Why did they leave me? He drew his knees to his chest, the thin white sheet covering him, as he started to shake. Please come back. I need you.

Soda's breathing grew ragged, as his eyes wildly roamed the small room. What if they don't come back? he thought. What if I have to stay here? What if-

The door opened, revealing a nurse, her name tag reading _Maryanne_. Soda, not recognizing the face, only shook more. "Please don't hurt me. Please just go. Where's Darry?"

Maryanne held up her hands, so that Soda could see them. "I'm not going to hurt you, honey. Darry's your brother, right?"

Soda nodded, as he felt the weight on his chest growing heavier, the nurse's face melding with the images of the robber's black mask. He breathed even harder, not drawing in enough air.

Maryanne drew a bit closer to Soda, simply observing him. "You're okay. Your brother will be back soon. I think he went to get something to eat."

Soda's hands gripped the sheet, as he started to cry, words coming out in gasps, while the array of emotions from the past broke through and attempted to strangle the life left in him. "Can't do it. Can't lose my brothers. Tried so hard."

"Hang on, honey. I'll be right back."

Soda watched Maryanne hurry from the room, his soul now fully engulfed in the dark shadows of the past.

* * *

Steve stepped off the elevator, following the arrows that led him through the hospital's hallways toward room 316. He came to the door he knew to be Soda's and looked inside just in time to see a dark-haired nurse pressing a needle into his best friend's arm.

Soda felt the needle prick his skin, as his eyes moved up to see Steve enter the room. His heart pounded in his chest, while he struggled to make his breathing even out.

Steve saw the nurse empty a syringe of liquid, injecting it into Soda. He moved forward, going to be at his best friend's side. "Soda?"

Soda's hand, clammy and shaky, reached for Steve's. "Stevie. You're here. I can't- I can't calm down."

Steve squeezed Soda's hand, as he looked to the nurse. "What's happening? Was that medicine you gave him?"

Maryanne watched Soda, seeing the beginning signs of relaxation, as she put a band-aid over the injection site. "Yes. Some Valium to relieve the anxiety he's experiencing. Are you going to sit here with him?"

Steve stared at Soda, noticing the shaking in his body lessening, breaths appearing to come more easily. "Yeah. I'll be here a while."

Maryanne discarded her gloves and the used needle. "Are you a friend? He seemed glad to see you."

Steve watched Soda lie back against the pillows, not daring to move from his side. "Yeah. He's my best friend."

Maryanne gave Steve a smile and patted Soda's shoulder. "He's calming down, so he should be okay now. But please come get me if he needs anything else."

Steve nodded, seeing Maryanne leave the room, before he spoke to Soda. "Hey, buddy. You sleeping now, or do you hear me?"

Soda kept his grip on Steve's hand, despite the drowsiness in his body. "Hear you, Stevie. Stay. Don't leave me."

Steve leaned so that his head touched Soda's. "I'm right here, buddy. I'm right here with you."

"They died. You can't die."

Steve released Soda's hand and put his arm around him, hugging him the best he could on the bed. "I didn't, Soda. I didn't die."

Soda weakly lifted an arm to hang onto Steve, as sleep was claiming him. "Find Pony, Stevie. My fault."

"Shh. Nothing's your fault, brother."

"Got in the middle."

Steve felt Soda's grip on him going slack, but stayed where he was. "It's okay, buddy. Just let the medicine work. It can't be, he thought. Is he saying what I think he's saying?

Soda drifted off into the drug-induced slumber, his best friend holding him close, as he was temporarily sheltered from what he'd tried so hard to deny.

* * *

"Hey, Steve. When did you get here?"

Steve's eyes moved from Soda to Darry, as the older man entered the hospital room, a cup of coffee in his hand. "I haven't been here long."

Darry took a seat beside Soda's bed, sipping the hot coffee, as he squeezed his brother's hand. "He's just been resting since they moved him out of the emergency room. So me and Pony went to get some food."

"He wasn't just resting when I got here, Superman."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"He was awake, shaking and all that, told me he couldn't calm down. Looked like he was panicking. The nurse gave him a shot of Valium."

"Damn it. I shouldn't have left him."

"You didn't know. I think if I'd been a little sooner, I could've calmed him down without the medicine, but she was doing it just as I came in here. Darry, has Soda ever told you he feels like it's his fault Pony ran away?"

"Not exactly. But he did apologize for it in Dr. Morgan's office yesterday. I told him that was on me, not him. Why?"

"Right before he went to sleep, he told me to find Pony, that it was his fault. Last thing he said was 'got in the middle.' It made me think of the fight you guys had before- well, before you hit Pony and he ran off. Soda told me then that he tried to stop it."

"Yeah. He did. Then, I yelled at him too."

"And Pony yelled back at you for yelling at Soda."

"Then, I hit him, and he ran. Damn it, Steve. I never knew Soda saw it like that. None of it's on him at all. Hell, he's the only one who was right that night."

"Yeah. I know, Superman. I ain't sure if he'll remember any of that cause he was just about out. It's like he was fighting the medicine, you know? But his defenses were down, and that's something he must've needed to say."

"I'll talk to him about it soon. Definitely after he's home and not here."

"My dad said he was awake and talking earlier. Was he okay about being here?"

"Not at first. He didn't remember why he was here. I think he thought he'd done something that made him have to be in the hospital. So I had to tell him about the seizure."

"He doesn't remember anything at all?"

"He said it's fuzzy, but he remembers coming in my room and waking me up. Thank God he did that. I'm telling you, Steve. I ain't ever going to forget watching Soda seize. It's an image I'll never be able to shake."

* * *

_"Ponyboy! Come back here!"_

_ Soda stood on the front porch with Darry, hearing his older brother call out into the night for their younger brother. He then went down the steps and into the yard, eyes fixed in the direction Pony had run._

_ Darry, no longer able to see any trace of Pony, followed behind Soda. "We need to go back inside, Sodapop."_

_ Soda's eyes moved from the darkness to Darry. "No! We have to go find him. What is wrong with you, Dar?"  
_

_"What's wrong with me is I don't want both of my little brothers running around at two in the damn morning."_

_ "Why did you hit him? He's just a kid, and it ain't like he stayed out this late on purpose."_

_ Darry looked off into the distance, thinking of Pony's form that had disappeared so quickly into the night. "I know that, and I didn't mean to hit him. I was pissed, and I lost control."  
_

_"Pony already doesn't believe me when I tell him you love him. What's he thinking now? And where the hell could he be going?"_

_ "He's gotta come home soon. There ain't anywhere out there for him to go."_

* * *

"Damn it. I don't want to leave."

Darry went over to Steve, giving his shoulder a squeeze, the pair still at Soda's bedside. "But it's fine that you need to. If the nurse gave him Valium, he's just going to sleep for a long while. And he's okay, Steve. Really."

Steve looked up at Darry. "I feel like I should be the one reassuring you of that. Cause you saw him have the seizure."

"Yeah. But I'm also looking at him right now, so that's enough to keep me straight. So is knowing it was from the medicine."

"You don't have to go into work, do you?"

"No. I called my boss, and he told me he better not see me today."

"You called Mr. Coleman too, right?"

"Yeah. I did. If you're working this afternoon, he'll definitely be asking you about Soda."

"He's already been worried about him too, so I don't doubt it."

Darry picked up the now-empty coffee cup. "I'm going to grab some more coffee and see where Pony is. He probably sat down somewhere and fell asleep."

"Okay, Superman. I won't leave til you're back." Steve watched Darry leave the room, his gaze then shifting to Soda. He moved from the chair to the edge of the bed. "I'm glad you're resting, buddy. But I gotta admit it bugs the hell out of me to see you sleeping this hard." Steve reached for the sheet that covered Soda and drew it higher, tucking it around his shoulders. "Damn, you've been through a lot lately, buddy. And you better believe me and you are going to talk about what you said earlier. I know Darry will bring it up too, but I can't let it go either. You've gotta get that shit out."

Steve held one of Soda's hands in both of his own, eyes closed, as he bowed his head. "God, I don't even know what I want to say, except please be here with Soda and make sure he knows you are. Help him get through all these feelings that are hurting him so bad."

Steve opened his eyes for a moment to look at his best friend. It's just the medicine, he told himself. Medicine he needed. He has to be calm and recover from the seizure. "God, he's so still right now, but maybe he needs to be. So please hold him the same way I felt you holding me. Hold him and make sure he knows we all love him. And, no matter what's going on deep down inside, that'll never stop."

* * *

"Hey, Kiddo, you don't have to sleep here."

Pony felt Darry shaking his shoulder and shifted in the uncomfortable plastic chair, where he'd fallen asleep sitting up. "Hmm. Yeah, I do, Dar. Tired."

Darry sat beside Pony, coffee cup in one hand, as he guided his brother's head to his shoulder. "I could run you home, Pone. Soda had some medicine that's going to have him sleeping for a while, so he'll be fine."

Pony's eyes opened, even as he didn't want them to. "Medicine? Why?"

"Anxiety. I think he was having a panic attack. Steve was here and saw some of it."

"Oh. Well, maybe it's good he got the medicine then."

"Probably is. Come on, let's go back and sit with him. You can use me as a pillow if you want."

* * *

Steve felt the edge of Soda's bed dip down and opened his eyes to see Pony there beside him. He kept his hold on Soda's hand, the prayer in his heart unfinished. "Hey, Kid."

Pony, more confidently than he had ever believed he could, covered Steve's hand with his own, both of then now gripping Soda's.

Darry scooted a chair as close to the bed as he could get it and sat down, grasping his middle brother's other hand. He was quiet, as he let his own head rest near Soda's.

Steve's eyes closed once more, the moment bathed in a blessed silence, as the three surrounded their dearly loved one within the stillness.

* * *

_"Darry, it's been almost two hours."_

_ Darry snapped back at Soda, time slicing away at his exterior, as the night wore on. "Don't you think I've noticed that, Sodapop? Don't you think I've counted every damn second since Pony ran out that door?"_

_ Soda's gaze dropped from Darry to the living room carpet, his eyes heavy with a need for sleep he knew wouldn't come. "I didn't mean-"_

_ "I know what you meant, okay? Pony's been gone for two hours at four in the damn morning, and there ain't a thing we can do about it but sit here and wait! I screwed up, Sodapop. Is that what you want to hear from me right now?"_

_ "No. It's not. I don't want to hear that."_

_ "Well, I'm saying it anyway! I slapped our little brother, so he took off in the middle of the night. We've got no idea where he is. He's out there in the cold with no coat. I had one shot at taking care of you two, and I've already blown it."_

_ "He'll come home, Dar. He will. You haven't blown it."  
_

_"The hell I haven't! What's the state going to say when they hear about this?"_

_ "They don't have to know, Darry. Cause Pony will come home. He has to come home."_

* * *

"Hi, you must be Darry. I'm Maryanne."

Darry's gaze moved from Soda, who was still sleeping, to the nurse standing in front of him, the white uniform she wore making her brown eyes and dark hair stand out. "Hi. Yes, I am. Are you the nurse who gave my brother the Valium?"

Maryanne took note of Soda's appearance, jotting some information down in his chart. "Yes. He was extremely anxious and seemed disoriented as well."

Darry looked down at Pony, who was asleep with his head on his oldest brother's lap. "I shouldn't have left him alone."

Maryanne watched Darry's fingers comb through Pony's hair, as his gaze shifted back to Soda. "He seems to be resting well now. You look like you could use that too."

"I could. But every time I close my eyes, I see-" Darry stopped, giving Maryanne a grin. "Sorry. I know you've got other patients to tend to."

"Oh. That's all right, Darry."

"So, uh, how long do you think until Sodapop wakes up? That medicine sure put him out."

"The effects of the Valium will take at least four hours to wear off. Patients are typically tired after a seizure too."

"I need to call his doctor. He can't take that medicine she gave him anymore. I can't even believe this happened. If you knew everything he's been through, you-" Darry stopped once more, a hand running over his face. "Sorry. I'm doing it again."

Maryanne gave Darry a soft smile, noticing how his attention could hardly be shifted from Soda. "It's fine. Don't apologize. I'll be going now, but I'll be back around soon. Please let me know if any of you need anything."

* * *

"Steve, you weren't here earlier, and I haven't seen Pony. Did any-"

Steve put a hand up, cutting off the question he knew TwoBit was about to ask. "Yes. Something did happen. But Soda's okay. He's fine."

TwoBit trailed behind Steve, the two of them headed to the school cafeteria. "What happened? Must not be too bad or you-"

"I know. It's not the worst. And I wanted to at least make one of my morning classes since I saw for myself that he's fine. He's really fine."

"Okay. You seem more like you're trying to convince yourself, not me. Come on, Steve-O. What's going on?"

Steve entered the cafeteria, the crowd of students making him pause. "What am I thinking? I can't fuckin' eat in here today."

TwoBit followed Steve outside, on his buddy's heels, as he went toward the parking lot. "Steve, I-"

Steve's pace only quickened, as he got closer to his car. "Just a minute. Please, TwoBit."

TwoBit was still beside Steve when his friend climbed into the driver's seat of the Ford. He leaned on the open door. "Okay. You're out here now. So please be straight with me."

Steve laid his head against the steering wheel, holding onto it, as the tears he'd so desperately tried to keep in fell down his face.

TwoBit moved to the passenger side and slid into the seat beside Steve, laying a hand on his back. "It's all right, man. Ain't anyone else out here. Just us."

"Soda had a seizure, TwoBit."

"A seizure? How the hell could that happen?"

"He saw a doctor yesterday, and she gave him some medicine that's a lot like mine."

"Okay. So it made him have a seizure?"

"Yeah. In the middle of the night."

"But he's fine? That's what you said, and I know you wouldn't be here, if he wasn't."

"He's at the hospital cause they wanted to watch him for a little while, but seems like he's okay."

"You went to see him before you came to school then?"

"Yeah." Steve kept his head on the steering wheel, closing his eyes. "I had to."

TwoBit saw more tears drip down Steve's cheeks and rubbed his back. "Easy, man."

"I ain't cryin' just cause of that."

"It would be reason enough, but I figured. Soda's had a hell of a rough time. And I've got the idea that I don't even know the half of it."

* * *

"Hey, little buddy. You're awake."

Soda felt himself begin to rouse from the deep slumber, his body still cloaked with relaxation, as he looked up at Darry. "Yeah. Gettin' there."

Darry leaned and pressed a kiss to Soda's head, staying close to him for a moment. "You should be able to go home soon."

"Pony still here?"

"Yeah. He went down the hall to grab a Pepsi."

"What about Steve?"

"He went to school."

"Stuff really knocked me out."

"Yeah. How are you feeling now?"

"All right, I guess."

"I'm sorry I wasn't in here when you were anxious."

"It's okay, Dar. Hey, did I miss anything when I was sleeping?"

"No. What would you have missed?"

"I ain't sure. I just know I felt something." Soda's eyes looked around the hospital room, searching for what he knew wouldn't be visible. "I think it was God."


	43. Chapter 43

Memories breathed, their emotions and reality present, even as the divine ghost took the healing spirit into his gentle, holy arms.

* * *

"Looks like you're all set to go, Sodapop. Your vitals and bloodwork are all good, and there's no indication your seizure was anything besides an adverse reaction to the Tofranil."

Soda sat on the hospital bed, as Maryanne spoke to him. "And I think I slept off that Valium too. Sorry if I freaked you out or anything earlier. There was, uh, a lot going on in my head."

Maryanne put her stethoscope back around her neck and placed the blood pressure cuff back on the rolling cart, beside the thermometer. "Anxiety of any sort will do that, Sodapop. And it's okay. I'm glad I came in when I did."

Darry entered the room then, tossing a bag of clothes in Soda's direction. "Here you go, little buddy." He turned to Maryanne. "Everything's okay, right? He can go home?"

Maryanne started to walk out into the hallway, her hand pulling the rolling cart along with her. "Yes. Everything is fine, Darry. A little paperwork, and he's free to go."

Soda saw Darry's gaze linger on Maryanne, as she made her way out of the room, the look in his brother's eyes making him smile. "You like her."

Darry shifted his gaze to Soda, attempting nonchalance, as he settled into a chair. "Huh? No, I don't. She's just pretty is all. So are you ready to get out of here?"

"No. Not til you ask her out."

"I can't do that. She's your nurse, and-"

"She won't be my nurse after I'm released, Dar. Come on. Just do it. You deserve some joy in your life."

* * *

_"If anything happens to him, I swear I'll never forgive myself."_

_ Soda shifted his gaze from the clock that read 6:00 A.M. to Darry, who sat still, eyes unreadable to anyone except his middle brother. "I bet he's fine, Dar. And you didn't mean to. It's just like you told me. You lost control. Pony will understand too."  
_

_Darry turned to look at Soda, knowing all too well the panic that lay beneath the front of reassurance. "I won't believe he's fine til I see him, little buddy." He reached for his middle brother, hand grasping the back of his shirt. "I don't know if he'll understand. You're the one who said he thinks I don't love him. I was going crazy, Sodapop. I was so worried, so when we started fighting, I just-"_

_ "I know that, Darry." Soda put his arms around his big brother, seeking out the physical comfort that may temporarily quench his own rising fears, as he also longed to soothe Darry's guilt. "And I know you love Pony."  
_

_Darry watched the second hand on the clock, its tick the only sound in the house, as he hugged Soda. I can't lose him too, he thought. I can't lose Pony._

_ What happened to him? Soda thought, arms securely around the brother still at his side. What if he doesn't come home? What will we do? He blinked back the tears in his eyes, summoning all of his strength for Darry. I have to find him, or I'll never forgive myself either._

* * *

"Come on, Dar. I'm all ready to go, so just ask her."

Darry looked at Soda, who was now dressed in the clothes he'd brought him from home, his appearance making him seem no worse for wear. "Are you sure you're good, little buddy? Cause I-"

Soda draped an arm over Darry's shoulders, letting a smile light up his face. "I'm fine. Just waiting for you to ask Maryanne on a date. Go for it, Dar. I think she likes you too."

"You do?"

"Yeah. It's just the way she talks to you."

"Maybe she's just nice. Maybe she even has a boyfriend already."

"There ain't a ring on her finger though." Soda saw how Darry's eyes had zeroed in on him, concern practically radiating off his face. "Dar, I'm not going to have another seizure, okay? You told me it was the medicine, and I won't take it anymore."

Darry lifted a hand, letting it brush through Soda's hair. "I know. But I can't forget it."

"I bet Maryanne could help you with that."

Darry rolled his eyes at Soda's wiggling eyebrows. "All right, all right. I'm going. If she says no, I'm telling her it was your idea."

"She won't say no. I'm telling you. She likes you too."

Darry moved out into the hall, momentarily looking back at Soda, who gave him a thumbs-up. He smiled at his little brother, the gesture a token of so much more than amusement. He then looked around, spotting Maryanne at the nurses' station, before making his way over to her.

Maryanne looked up from the chart she'd been working on to see Darry right behind her. "Oh. Hi, Darry. Sodapop all right? He need something?"

"No. He's fine, as he keeps telling me. We were, uh, just about to head out. But I wanted to ask you something first."

"Okay."

"Would you like to go out with me? It's okay if you don't want to or if you-"

"Yes! I'd love to."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

Darry glanced back toward Soda's room, seeing his middle brother's face poking out into the hall, watching them. "How's Saturday night?"

Maryanne scribbled her phone number and address on a loose sheet of paper and handed it to Darry. "Great. It's a date."

* * *

_"Hey, Dar, me and Steve looked all over town. I don't know where-"  
_

_Darry heard Soda's voice stop short, able to imagine the fear that must've stricken him, as he took in the sight of his big brother's tears. "Sodapop, the police were just here, little buddy."  
_

_Soda moved close to Darry, noticing his brother wouldn't look at him. "Why, Dar? Did you call them?"  
_

_"No."_

_ "Is Pony hurt?"_

_ "There was a murder in the park last night."_

_ "A murder? What's that have to do with Pony?"  
_

_"He was there, Pepsi Cola. Him and Johnny. A Soc got stabbed."_

_ "So where is he now? Darry, what's happening?"_

_ "I don't know. The police don't know either. But they say Johnny stabbed the Soc."_

_ "Johnny? He'd never hurt anybody. He couldn't kill someone. They don't know what the hell they're saying!"  
_

_"You know he's got that blade since he got jumped, Sodapop."_

_ "Then, it had to be self-defense! If Johnny did that, then Pony must be with him!"_

_ "No one seems to know where he is either."_

_ "Darry, we have to find them. Both of them!"_

_ Darry met Soda's eyes, seeing that they were filled with tears. He gently gripped both of his brother's shoulders. "I know, little buddy. But if this is what happened, they probably don't want to be found."_

* * *

"Damn, I feel like the past is repeating itself."

Soda opened his eyes from his place on the porch swing to see Steve looking at him. "Hey, Stevie. That seems to be our thing, doesn't it?"

Steve, clad in his DX uniform, took a seat beside Soda. "Yeah. I guess it is. I've only got a minute cause I have to get to work, but I wanted to make sure you got home. You were really out of it when I left earlier."

"Yeah. I slept like a damn rock for a while there." Soda looked at Steve, the heels of a memory on his mind. "Was I saying something to you before I fell asleep?"

"Yeah. You said a few things."

"Oh. Anything weird?"

"No. Not weird. Just some stuff you were feeling and hadn't said before. Do you remember it at all?"

"It was something about Pony, right? And you too, maybe?"

"Yeah. I wasn't sure if you'd remember even a little bit." Steve pulled Soda in for a quick hug. "I gotta go, buddy. But I'll see you later tonight."

* * *

_"If Johnny stabbed that Soc, he had to be asking for it."_

_ Soda felt Steve's arm fall across his shoulders and squeeze him. "I know. But they're missing, Stevie. Pony hasn't been gone for just a few hours now. Johnny either."_

_ Steve heard the tremble in Soda's voice, hating the sound of his best friend about to lose it. "I know, buddy. But, as much grief as I like to give the Kid, he can hold his own. Johnny can too. If they're together-"_

_ "Have you seen Dally today?"_

_ "No. Why?"_

_ "Cause this is Johnny we're talking about. If he stabbed that Soc, who the hell else would he go to for help?"_

* * *

"So what was the medicine for? Can the doctor give you something else?"

Soda lie on his bed beside Penny, seeing the concern in her face, unable to look away from her blue eyes, even though he wanted to do so. "I don't know. But I don't think I'd be comfortable trying anything else after that anyway. I already have another appointment tomorrow though. That medicine, it was an antidepressant. She gave it to me because I, um, haven't been doing so great for a while."

Penny, heart-shaped gold locket dangling from around her neck, put her hand over Soda's. "I know you've had a hard time since the shooting, Sodapop. You've told me about the anxiety and the flashbacks."

Soda's gaze shifted down, focusing on their intertwined fingers. "It's more than that though, Penny. It's worse, and it's not just about the shooting anymore."

"What else then? What's worse?"

"I've just felt so down and like it's too hard to even keep going."

"You mean because of your injury? I know that's been hard for you too. But it is doing better, right? What Dr. Simons said to do helps?"

"Yeah. I think so. But I don't mean that either, even though it bothers me sometimes too."

Penny's lips found Soda's, kissing him softly, as she saw the tears that were coating his eyes.

Soda felt Penny's hands move up to cup his cheeks, before her lips broke the kiss. "You knew just what I needed. I love you."

"I love you too."

Soda leaned in for another kiss, this one deeper, making his heart soar in a way that it never had before.

* * *

_"Dal, where the hell is my little brother?"_

_ Dallas hardly regarded Soda, casual, as he sat on the bed in his room at Bucks, and slipped on his boots. "Don't know, man. If you and Darry don't know, why the fuck would I?"_

_ Soda's eyes wandered around the bedroom, spotting a familiar piece of clothing on the floor. He went over and picked it up, easily recognizing it. "This is Pony's sweatshirt."_

_ Dallas didn't even look in Soda's direction. "So what if it is?"_

_ "It means he's been here. I know you know where Johnny is or you'd be fuckin' tearing up all of Tulsa right now. You wouldn't be all calm and cool."_

_ "Kid can take care of himself."_

_ "Bullshit! If he stabbed Bob Sheldon, you're the only person he'd go to, and I know Pony has to be wherever Johnny is. Where are they, Dallas?"  
_

_"I don't know, Sodapop. The fuzz think they're headed for Texas."_

_ "Is that what you told them? If you did, I know it ain't anywhere near true. It'd be a cold day in hell, before you told the truth to the cops, especially if you're protecting Johnny."_

_ "I don't know, man. They could've gone anywhere."_

_ "Are they safe?"_

_ "What? How would I know?"_

_ "Oh, get off it, Dal. I maybe a dropout. But I ain't stupid. You know where Johnny is, or you'd be falling to pieces. That's what me and Darry are doing cause we're so damn worried."_

_ "I'm not worried."  
_

_"Because you know where they are. They're together, ain't they? They're somewhere safe. I know they must be, or you'd be losing your mind as much as we are."_

* * *

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you how bad it's been. I was scared of hurting you with all this, and I don't want to lose you."

Penny's fingers moved through Soda's hair, as his head lay on her chest, the two of them now cuddled together on his bed. "It's okay. I'm just glad you've had Darry and Steve to talk to about it. And I'm glad you're going to Dr. Morgan. You're not going to lose me because you're in pain."

Soda savored both the touch and the needed reassurance."It's like it all gets to hurting so bad that I can't help thinking that way. Even though I don't want to. It makes me feel terrible."

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, sweetheart. They're thoughts and feelings, but they can't change you or your spirit. And no matter what you're struggling with or how bad it gets, please always know that you've got such a beautiful soul."

* * *

_"You went where?"_

_ Soda stood on the back porch, night falling around him, as he cringed at the sound of Darry's raised voice. "I went to Buck's to talk to Dal."_

_ Darry made sure to slam the door behind him, as he stepped outside. "I've told you to stay the hell away from there, Sodapop! I thought I could count on you to use your head!"_

_ Soda flinched, his gaze leveled with Darry's, as he saw his brother's anger on full display. "What? Are you going to hit me now too?" _

_ Before Darry could reply, Soda turned and bolted away from him, the door swinging open, then piercing the night with yet another slam._

* * *

"Hey, Steve. Soda's in his room."

Steve saw Pony's pencil moving along the sketchpad in his lap. "How are you doin', Kid?"

Pony kept drawing, forming the details of facial features. "I'm okay. Last night shook me up, but I know Soda's all right now."

"Yeah." Steve squeezed Pony's shoulder, as he started to move past him, catching a glimpse of the eyes on the paper. "Hey, are you drawing Soda?"

Pony stared at the face he'd drawn, the eyes on the penciled image holding him captive. "Yeah. I'm drawing Soda."

* * *

_"I shouldn't have said that, Darry. I'm sorry."_

_ Darry heard Soda sob, as he knelt beside the bed that he shared with Pony. "Shh. It's okay, little buddy."_

_ Soda's head rested on his pillow, aching at the space beside him that he knew would again be empty for the night. "I need him, Dar. He has to come home. Dal knows where they are. I know he does."_

_ "He didn't tell you anything, did he?"_

_ "No. But I found the shirt Pony had on that night in his room. He had to have been there."_

_ "How did Dal seem?"_

_ "Calm. Too calm not to know something."_

_ Darry climbed onto the bed beside Soda and put his arm around him, pulling him closer. "You know it's never going to happen again, right? I'll never raise a hand to you or Pony, I swear."_

_ Soda rested his head against Darry's chest, his own arm finding its way around his big brother. "I know, Dar."_

_ "I'm so sorry, little buddy. I don't ever want you to be scared of me."_

_ "I ain't scared of you. I could never be scared of you."_

_ "Do you think Pony will be? It's my fault all this happened, Sodapop. Cause I drove him away. But I was so scared when he didn't come home on time."_

_ "I know that, Dar. I know you were scared and worried. You're going to have to tell Pony that, so he'll know where you were coming from. When he comes home, you gotta tell him how much you miss him now. You gotta be real honest and tell him how much you love him too."_

_ "I do love him. I love both of you."_

_ "I know that. I've always known. And when Pony comes home, you have to make sure he does too."_

* * *

"Hey, buddy. Just takin' it easy?"

Soda felt the evening air come through the open window, his head leaning on the wall beside it, as Steve sat next to him. "Yeah. Penny was here earlier."

Steve, still wearing his DX uniform, let a few moments pass in silence. He then reached out to grip Soda's arm, making sure his gaze locked with that of his best friend. "It's not your fault Pony ran away."

"Why are you saying that right now?"

"Cause it's what you were talking about right after you got that shot this morning."

"Oh."

"You told me I couldn't die, then said to find Pony and that it was your fault. I told you it wasn't, then you said you got in the middle."

"I got in the middle of Darry and Pony's fight."

"Yeah. Cause you didn't want it to get any worse."

"But I made it worse, Stevie."

"No, you didn't, man. You just tried to make them stop."

"And I couldn't. I should've just stayed out of it, then Darry wouldn't have yelled at me too. Or I should've got between them and thought of something better to say or-"

Steve pulled Soda close, cutting off the thoughts that were spurred by guilt. "Stop, buddy. Nothing about that night was your fault."

Soda buried his face in Steve's shoulder, wetting it with tears, as words of regret still poured from his lips, their flow unstoppable now that it had been tapped. "But Pony was taking up for me when he yelled at Darry like he did. It's my fault he hit him. It was my job to hold them together, and I couldn't do it. We almost lost Pony cause I failed, Steve. He could've drowned in that damn fountain."

"But he didn't, Soda. And it's not your fault Darry hit him. It's not your fault the kid took off after either."

"The fire. He could've died then too."

"I know. But he didn't, man. Pony's right out there in the living room. He wasn't even hurt."

"But Johnny was. We lost him. He died. And that night, none of it could've happened if I-"

Please no, Steve thought. Please don't.

"If I'd just stayed out of it or done better or just gone to bed."

"No, buddy. Nothing that happened is your fault. Please stop doing this to yourself. The way it all went down was fuckin' awful, but no one knew it would go like that. None of us could've known. You need to talk to both of your brothers about this. Cause they were here, and they'll be able to help you let this go better than I can."

"It hurts, Stevie. It's been hurting for a long time."

"I know. But this guilt, it's just a feeling, you know? Like I said before, it's a way to cope. You didn't do anything wrong, buddy. Please hear me, and please talk to your brothers."

Soda sighed, relaxing, even as he tightened the embrace. "Already feels better. Like something lifted off my chest."

"Yeah. Cause you needed to let this out, buddy. I knew you did, or you wouldn't have been saying what you were with that medicine when you were barely even awake." Steve let his eyes look up, whispering a short prayer. "Come on, God. I know you've got him. Don't let go. Hold him and let him heal."

* * *

_"Dal must know Johnny's safe, or he'd be losing his shit. He seems to be making himself scarce around your place too."_

_ Soda puffed on his cigarette, his fourth one in a row, as he sat with Steve in front of the Randles' house. "Yeah. Cause he knows Darry will beat his head in for not telling us where Pony is. It's crazy, Stevie. Cause I can't stop thinking about that night, and I keep waiting for Pony to show up."_

_ Steve lit his own cigarette, taking a long drag off it. "Yeah. I know, buddy. I'll admit I'm worried as hell too. About both of them."_

_ "I tried to stop Pony and Darry from fighting. I always do. But I sure never thought anything like this could happen."_

_ "Damn Socs, man. They shouldn't have been messing with them. They're just kids."_

_ "Darry's tearing himself apart over hitting Pony. I wish he wouldn't cause that doesn't help, you know?"_

_ "Superman didn't mean to do it. The kid has to know that. He snapped cause he's had a rough time too. It ain't easy for him either."_

_ "Yeah. He does his best. It's hard to get Pony to see that."_

_ "They both made mistakes, but that's just how it goes. Darry shouldn't have hit him, no, but Pony also shouldn't have yelled at him like that or run out the damn door."_

_ "He's gotta come home, Steve. I talk to Darry like I believe he will, but in the back of my mind, I ain't so sure."_

* * *

"I'll talk to them tomorrow, Stevie. I really just don't feel like it tonight, and it's already getting late."

Steve touched Soda's back, as he sat beside him on the porch steps. "All right, man. I wasn't trying to rush you or anything. You've damn sure had a long enough day as it is."

Soda found himself looking up, stars blinking at him, as they twinkled in the night sky above. "Did you pray for me when I was sleeping in the hospital?"

"Yeah. I did. Pony even saw me. Then, he sat with me, and we were both holding your hand. Darry was holding your other one."

"And he told me I didn't miss anything. Sure sounds like I did."

"Yeah, yeah. All us Greasers holding hands. You missed the party, man."

"Aw, you know that ain't what I meant."

"Of course I do, buddy. But no more seizing and no more hospitals for a while, okay?"

"Yeah. I'll do my best. Hey, do you- I mean, do you ever think you feel God?"

"Sure. I've felt him before, even though I can't really explain how I knew it was him. I just knew."

"I felt something in the hospital. It was nice too. Like peaceful, I guess."

"Sounds like God, buddy."

"It was like I was laying there, resting, but he was there too, holding onto me."

"That's what I asked him for, Soda. I asked him to hold you cause I felt him like that once too. Like arms I couldn't even see wrapped around me." Steve took Soda's hand and squeezed it, looking up at the sky with a heart of gratitude. "You felt that cause God was answering my prayer."


	44. Chapter 44

A:N: Second to last chapter, guys! Thanks for reading!:)

~Panda

The pearls of love and protection glistened with beauty, the unpolished gems a perfect gift straight from Heaven.

* * *

"I'm fine, honey. Just a little tired. That's all."

Vivian poured Samuel a cup of coffee, before taking another mug down for herself. "I have my follow-up appointment this morning."

Samuel stared at the coffee, before spooning creamer into the black liquid, making the color instantly turn lighter. "I didn't realize that was today. I would've come with you."

"It's okay. It's just a check-up to make sure things are all right. I think they are too. I'm not having any problems at all."

"Are you sure? Because I could call in and-"

"No. Don't, Samuel. I'm okay. Please go to work."

Samuel kissed Vivian's cheek, the warmth beneath his lips making him long for more in the midst of a lost connection.

* * *

"Hey, Mr. Coleman. Aren't you glad to have me back?"

Mr. Coleman smiled at Soda, seeing the grin that covered his employee's face. "Oh, yes. How are you feeling, Sodapop? You've had one heck of a week."

Soda punched in on the time clock, tapping his foot on the floor of the station as he did. "Not bad, actually. Obviously not taking anymore of that medicine. But I'm okay. Worst part for me was waking up in the hospital cause, at first, I didn't remember anything."

"Can you remember having the seizure at all?"

"No. I just remember going to Darry's room cause I felt real funny. I mean, I've felt funny a lot cause of anxiety and stuff, but this was different."

"How's your arm feeling?"

Soda lifted his right hand, rotating his wrist, as he flexed his fingers. "Kind of tingly, but pretty all right. Why?"

"Because there's a car waiting for you in the garage. Just some simple maintenance and repairs, but it's all yours."

* * *

_"Sorry I ain't up to much of a date, but I still really wanted to see you."_

_ Sandy's eyes wandered around the park, then to the creek where she sat in the grass beside Soda. "It's okay, Sodapop."  
_

_Soda drew Sandy close to him, gaze focused on the flowing stretch of water that rippled in the breeze. He closed his eyes, resting his cheek on her blond hair, the feel of her in his arms bringing a moment of consolation. "I'm sad, Sandy. But I'm so glad I have you."_

* * *

"Kid, are you following me around everywhere now or what?"

Pony saw the grin on Steve's face that betrayed his mock annoyance. "Yep. If you thought I was a tag-along before, you ain't seen nothin' yet."

Steve laughed aloud, as he put his English and history notebooks in his locker. "Kid, you're freaking me out here. I ain't needing a shadow."

"Are you sure? I thought you could use one."

Steve slammed the locker door shut, still smiling. "What's up, Pony? I know you ain't talking to me just for the hell of it."

"You're going to Soda's doctor's appointment with him today, right?"

"Yeah. I am."

"I'm glad you're doing that, Steve. I want someone to be there with him. It makes me feel better too. Cause I know it must be hard."

"I'd have done it, even if he didn't ask, Kid. I know Darry really needs to work all he can today too. Well, I gotta get to the gym, Pony. I'm sure I'll see you later."

Pony put a hand on Steve's arm to stop him from walking away. "Hang on a second."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks, Steve."

"For what?"

"For being Soda's best friend and for being my buddy too."

* * *

"All done, Sir!"

Mr. Coleman heard Soda's voice that told of accomplishment, along with the slam of the hood on the silver Ford pick-up. "And you really looked like you were doing just fine, Sodapop. Did you flush the radiator too?"

Soda picked up a rag and wiped at the grease that covered his hands, unable to keep from smiling. "Sure did. I was doing fine. Just had to switch hands sometimes, you know? I use my left as much as I can."

"That's good. I like seeing you back in here. If you need some time outside now, you can head out to the pumps. I don't want you to overdo anything, especially after you've had such a tough week."

Soda looked around the garage's walls and at the open door leading to the fresh air, the feeling in his gut urging him to step outside. "I actually think I do, Sir. That's where I'll be if you need me."

* * *

_"We have to go back to work, Sodapop. We can't just sit around the house and wait for Pony to come home."_

_ Soda looked down at the DX shirt he held, seeing Darry move around the kitchen, his own shirt still unbuttoned. "But what if he comes and we ain't here?"_

_ Darry put plastic wrap around some sandwiches and filled his thermos with water. "Then, he'll know where we are, little buddy. We still need money, and honestly, I need something to focus on. So do you. Going to work's the best thing both of us can do."_

_ "I miss him, Dar."_

_ "I know. But I really think he's safe somewhere, Sodapop. I do. So let's both head to work. Come on and get dressed, and you can catch a ride with me."_

* * *

"Hey, take it easy, man. You'll be fine in there. She's just wanting to check on you."

Soda parked his car in the lot of the community mental health center, Steve in the passenger seat next to him. He tapped his fingers on the gear shift, then on the steering wheel. "I had a real good day, Stevie, and I don't want to mess it up."

Steve saw Soda's eyes close, noticing his breathing was getting uneven. "You won't. No matter what you talk about, nothing messes that up. We can do anything you want after this too."

Soda opened his eyes, feeling Steve's hand on his shoulder, as he took the DX cap off his head and set it in his lap. "I ain't sure what I'm so nervous about. I mean, I've been here now, and Dr. Morgan is real nice."

"Well, it ain't like you're just here to talk about any old thing, buddy. It's all heavy stuff, so cut yourself a break. I bet you can even tell her how nervous you're feeling, and that'll help."

"Yeah. Maybe I should do that." Soda started to grin, as he looked over at Steve. "When we get out of here, remind me to tell you about how Darry's got a girlfriend."

* * *

"You swiped what, TwoBit? Not like that's anything you'd need."

TwoBit shrugged off Pony's remark, as he took a beer out of the refrigerator. "It ain't about need. Just for kicks."

Pony grinned, as he put his backpack down beside the couch. "Yeah. Somebody's going to kick you, all right, if you get caught."

"Aw, you know the rule, Pony. Nobody's supposed to get caught."

"Yeah. Whatever."

"Hey, Soda's still okay, right?"

"Yeah. He is. No more seizures or anything."

"How about you and Darry?"

"It scared Darry to death. Just the way he looks at Soda, anybody could see that."

"Yeah. I bet that did scare the hell out of him. Just hearing about it scared me."

"Soda has his doctor's appointment right after work. I don't know if she'll give him another medication, but it doesn't seem like the best idea. He doesn't ever seem to do too well with it."

"You ain't kiddin'."

"I don't think he really needs it anyway. I mean, I'm no doctor, but I know my brother, and he just needs to talk everything out. It ain't like you can medicate feelings. A pill's not going to make it go away, and for him, it could make things worse."

* * *

_"Hey, TwoBit. What's up?"_

_ TwoBit let the DX station's door close behind him, as he walked up to Soda, who stood near the cash register. "Not much. Just watching my back walking around here. Socs have gone apeshit."_

_ Soda picked up a box and moved from behind the counter, before opening it. He busied himself with restocking the candy and chips on the shelf beside the magazines. "I can't take it much longer, TwoBit. Pony can't just stay gone like that."  
_

_"I know you hate to hear it, man. But the way things are, him and Johnny both are better off being away. If Dal's got them hidden away somewhere, they're safer than they would be around here right now."_

_ "The gang would keep them safe. I would keep them both safe in our house."_

_ "I know. But I'm just sayin'. Maybe it's best they're laying low until this shit has a little time to calm down."_

* * *

"I'm real nervous about being here today, but I ain't sure why."

Dr. Morgan drew the blind open, before taking her seat across from Soda at the round table. "I think that's normal, Sodapop. This is still new for you."

Soda's fingers fidgeted with the undone buttons on his DX uniform, only his white T-shirt covering him. "You heard about the seizure I had?"

"Yes. I did. I'm so sorry that happened."

"I woke up in the hospital and thought I'd done something to myself to be there. But my brothers were with me and told me what happened. Last thing I really remember before the seizure is going to Darry's room and waking him up cause I didn't feel right."

"What exactly were you experiencing?"

"My ears were ringing, and I felt weak. My chest was tight too, and I had these tingles all over. The memory's pretty fuzzy, but I do remember that much."

"It sounds like you had side effects, even apart from the seizure then."

"Yeah. I felt really weird, and I knew it was something different. After they moved me out of the emergency room at the hospital, I went to sleep again, and when I woke up, no one was there, and I started panicking. That was the worst part of all of it for me. My nurse gave me a shot of Valium cause I couldn't calm down. Steve showed up right then, and that helped too."

"I'm hesitant to try you on anymore medication, not just because of the side effects themselves, but also the additional trauma you seem to have experienced as a result."

"I'd be afraid to take anything else. I don't have to, do I?"

"No. Not necessarily. Not everyone who's experiencing the struggles with mental health that you are has to take medication to be stable. Everyone's different."

"So what do we talk about today?"

"Well, besides the issues with the medicine, how have you been since you were here last? I know it's only been a little bit of time, but I think every single day counts."

"I've been okay, I guess. I was pretty wiped out after I left here that day. I was supposed to go back to work, but I went home and went to sleep."

"You had a very emotional session."

"It's okay I cried like I did, right? Steve and Darry both told me you probably learned stuff about me that's important cause of everything I was saying."

"Yes, it's okay. And I did, Sodapop. By listening to you, I learned about where we might need to start. But first, I have some other questions I need to ask."

* * *

_Could you have a career in counseling?_

Steve rolled his eyes at the ad on the bulletin board in the center's waiting room. Yeah, he thought, as he searched the shelf of magazines. Like _I_ could ever do anything like that.

* * *

_"Man, am I glad ya'll showed up when you did."  
_

_Soda walked behind TwoBit, going in the direction of the Curtis' house. "Yeah. Me too. They're just jumping us even more for the hell of it now."_

_ Steve followed along with TwoBit and Soda. "I know you ain't the kid or anything, man. But no more walking alone."_

_ Soda shoved his hands in his pockets, as he walked, heart dropping all over again at the mention of Pony. "That goes for you too, Stevie. We can't have any of us getting hurt just cause damn Socs are coming over on our turf."_

_ TwoBit touched the pocket, where he usually kept his black-handled switch. "I bet if I'd had my blade, they would've thought twice about outnumbering me like that."_

_ Steve moved along the sidewalk, putting himself right at Soda's side. "I don't know, man. After what happened with Johnny, that might've spurred them on, you savvy?"  
_

_Soda stared down at the concrete, glancing up to see Steve's eyes watching him. "Yeah. That's right. It's better if we just stick together all the time, so they don't even get a chance."_

* * *

"The thoughts haven't been as bad, I don't think. I mean, the worst was probably looking at the antidepressant bottle and thinking about taking too much."

Dr. Morgan scribbled down a note, before she looked back up at Soda. "What did you do in response to this thought?"

Soda tensed up, just remembering the fleeting line of thought that had made him run out the door. "I asked Darry to hang onto the medicine for me. So he did. I knew he would. He was glad I told him too."

"That was a good idea. I don't know if your brother mentioned it, but that's something I was concerned about too, given your thoughts about overdosing."

"He did tell me. Steve was the one who said I should ask Darry to do that. At first, I just ran out of the kitchen after seeing the bottle."

"It's a good sign that you're so aware of your thoughts, Sodapop. And it seems like you're willing to confront them head-on."

"Well, I wasn't always. Right after the shooting, I wasn't very honest about anything. I tried to shove it all down. But Darry and Steve both wouldn't have it because they could see what I was doing. I'm a horrible liar."

"Sometimes, it can take time and encouragement to be transparent. It can also be a very natural human reaction to use denial as a coping mechanism."

"Yeah. I sure ain't doing that anymore though. Once I started talking, I never stopped."

"Speaking of talking, I'd like to go back to what you were saying to both Darry and myself when you were here on Wednesday."

"Oh. What part of it?"

"Since you're so young now and were even younger when your parents died, I think it's important to revisit that time in your life."

"Okay. I guess- I guess I can do that. I mean, I've been thinking about them a lot already anyway. Well, not really as much about them as about their deaths and right after."

"Can you tell me what happened, Sodapop? How did your parents die?"

Soda felt a lump growing in his throat, the urge to flee trying to close in on him. "I- I'm sorry. I've talked about that lots of times, but..."

"I know it's painful. Please don't apologize. How about this? Can you tell me what you were doing when you learned they had passed away? I know you were telling your brother that you didn't get to say goodbye."

"I didn't. I didn't get to see them one last time. The police came to our house, while I was standing out front with one of my buddies. They didn't tell me, but they went inside and told Darry."

"So your brother was the one to tell you your parents had died?"

"Yeah. At first, I didn't even know what he was saying, then even when I did, I didn't believe it could be true. I couldn't believe they were gone."

"That's common when someone has just learned of a loss, especially one that was so sudden."

"It was a car accident. They were on the way back from my aunt's house. I had just talked to my dad the day before."

"So you didn't get to say goodbye because they were away when the accident took place?"

"Yeah, but when I said that, I meant that I wasn't home when they left for the trip. I was at school."

"Oh. I think I understand now."

"I had to stay after and retake this math test I failed. I wasn't good at school. I hated it all even more after this. Especially since I still failed the test again anyway."

"So you and your younger brother were just sixteen and thirteen, right? How did your older brother arrive at the decision to take custody of you?"

"I don't think it was even much of a decision for him, really. Just a minute after he told me our parents died, he said we were staying with him. I was scared of what would happen to me and Pony and asked him about it, and he told me right then we weren't going anywhere."

"It sounds like he didn't hesitate for even a moment. I know I didn't see a lot in our last session, but I saw enough to gather his devotion to you."

"Yeah. We're real close. Pretty much always have been. Even when Darry became my guardian, that didn't stop. I get scared of losing him though, and I don't know why."

"I remember you saying you didn't want him to leave you. I think that sort of fear makes sense in the context of grief. You were only sixteen, and you lost what many take for granted. You lost your parents, and that accident took not only their lives, but also your sense of unconditional security."

"Oh. I hadn't thought of it that way before. After they died, I wanted more than anything to hang onto my brothers. I still do."

"I can see why you would, especially under those circumstances. Did Darry have any issues gaining custody of the two of you?"

"Not really. Cause he made sure he did everything right for the social worker and all. We didn't get in any trouble or give them any reason to take us away. The worst thing for Darry was making sure we had enough money. It got tight for a while there. He was working two jobs, and then, I started working full-time too. I dropped out of school behind his back so I could help."

"Did he approve?"

"No. He was pretty upset at first, but it was my decision, you know? I didn't want to lose my brothers cause of money, and I didn't want to watch Darry struggle either. Only thing he ever did then was work. He wanted to make me go back to school, but I wouldn't. I was failing all my classes anyway."

"Does it ever bother you that you dropped out of school?"

"Yeah, but I don't regret doing it. I mean, I just wish I could've done better and that school didn't make me feel so bad about myself. Pony is great at school. Darry always was too. My best friend, Steve, another one of our buddies, and my girlfriend are all graduating in June. I'm real proud of them, especially Steve. But part of me wishes I could graduate too."

"Do you like your job at the DX?"

"Yeah. I do. Always have. I'm good at it too. School always made me feel dumb, but work doesn't. I mean, it got hard after I got shot. But it's getting better."

"It got hard because of the flashbacks you mentioned before?"

"Yeah. Cause of that. It's like everything's been different since that night. Something else happened to me when I got shot. Like going through all that fear did something to my spirit, and I'm over here still trying to understand it."

* * *

"Don't sweat it, man. I can drive."

Soda handed Steve the keys to the Chevy, then opened the passenger door. "Thanks, Stevie."

Steve got into the driver's seat, as Soda slid in beside him. He hesitated in starting the car, feeling the quietness descend on them, its presence almost a tangible one.

Soda, still caught in silence, reached over and grasped the sleeve of Steve's shirt.

"I'm right here, buddy. Anything happen back there?"

Soda shook his head, tears pricking his eyes.

"You do a lot of talking?"

Soda fought the tears, willing them away. "Yeah. Mom and Dad. And right after. School."

"That's good, man."

"The shooting too. A little bit."

"You got this, buddy. It's okay."

"So much left, Stevie."

"But you gotta take it slow. Small steps. You can't go through all of this at once."

"I didn't even cry in there. Don't know why I am now."

"Cause you're overwhelmed. That's all." Steve squeezed Soda's hand that had yet to let go of his sleeve. "Hey, what did you say about Darry having a girlfriend?"

Soda started to chuckle, even as a tear fell down his face.

Steve smiled, his hand still holding onto Soda's. "Come on, tell me all about that."

"Maryanne. The nurse I had yesterday. Darry asked her out."

"Oh yeah? She was real nice. Seemed to care how you were a whole lot too."

"Yeah. And Darry was totally checking her out."

Steve laughed, as he released Soda's hand that had let go of his shirt. "Damn, I can't wait to see Superman with her."

"I had to convince him to ask her out. He didn't even realize what was happening."

Steve put the key in the ignition and started the car. "Clueless, huh? That must've been fun to watch."

"Oh, it was. I told him I wasn't leaving until he asked her on a date. Once he got done staring at me to make sure I wasn't about to have another seizure, he did it, and she, of course, said yes. I knew she would."

Steve drove the Chevy out of the parking lot, turning in the direction of the Curtis' house. "I know Darry's been off the field for a while, but any woman would be lucky to have him."

"Yeah. Sure would. Maryanne was sweet too. I really liked her."

"I know I only saw her for a minute, but I did too. Superman deserves to be with someone like that."

"He does. And I'm going to have a real good time teasing him tomorrow night before he goes on his date."

* * *

The broken spirit started to mend itself, healing beginning to seem like it might not be quite so far away.


	45. Chapter 45

A/N Last chapter, guys!:) I'm emotional about posting it, but also excited because I have the first five chapters of the next story written and can't wait to share it. Enjoy and thanks for reading!

~Panda

Love spread out its arms, ready and waiting to catch him and hold him within its unconditional safety and affection that no guilt or grief could ever overpower.

* * *

"Hey, Superman, I heard you got a girlfriend."

Darry was barely through the front door, as he heard Steve's voice call out to him, the remark making him get caught between a smirk and an eyeroll. "Of course you did, Steve. I wonder who could've told you that."

Soda flicked one of his cards at Steve. "Yeah. I wonder too. But it could've been anybody."

Steve flicked the card back at Soda. "Yeah. It couldn't have possibly been my best buddy, Sodapop."

Darry chuckled, as he rifled through the mail on the counter, taking two envelopes out of the pile. "Yeah. I'm taking Maryanne out tomorrow night, Steve. But I wouldn't call her my girlfriend."

Soda flashed Darry his biggest smile. "Not yet. But I saw how you were looking at her."

Darry set the pair of envelopes aside, then grabbed Soda in a headlock, using his fist to mess up his brother's hair. "Oh yeah, little buddy?"

Soda laughed, not even struggling against the hold. "Yep, Dar. You've got it bad for her."

Darry loosened his hold, letting his arm fall over Soda's shoulders, as he looked at Steve. "What am I going to do with him?"

Soda didn't miss a beat, as he looked between his big brother and his best friend, the smile still on his face. "You're going to love me, no matter what."

* * *

"Everything go okay at your appointment, honey?"

Vivian set down the photo album she'd been flipping through to speak to Samuel. "It did. I'm healing, like I'm supposed to."

Samuel came to sit down beside his wife, gaze wandering to the pictures tucked inside the protective film of the photo album, Matthew's smiling face staring back at him. "Okay. So are you feeling all right? Is there anything I can do?"

"No. There's nothing you can do right now, Samuel. I think I just need to be alone."

* * *

_"Hey, Sodapop, me and TwoBit are about to-"_

_ Soda looked at Steve, from his place on his and Pony's bedroom floor, red-rimmed eyes seeing his best friend with a football tucked under his arm. "I don't feel like doing anything, Stevie."_

_ Steve let out a sigh, as he put the football down on the bed and sat with Soda so that they were shoulder-to-shoulder. "You could've told me you wanted to talk, you know. You didn't have to come and sit here all by yourself."_

_ "I need him to come home. It's been four days, and the longer he's gone, the more I get scared he never will."_

_ "He will, buddy. Kid has to get back here cause who else is going to be a pain in my ass? Pony and Johnny both are going to come back to us. They have to."_

_ "I keep telling myself they're safe, but that still ain't enough to stop me from feeling like I'm losing my mind."_

_ "I know, man." Steve lifted his arm, letting it rest around Soda's shoulders. "Nothing feels right, does it? Especially around here."_

_ "No. It sure doesn't, and I don't know if it ever will again."_

* * *

"Hey, Superman! Your little brother's over here trying to cheat again, like he thinks I'm blind or something."

Pony opened the back door, sticking his head inside, to talk to Steve. "If you keep yelling like that, we're all going to be deaf!"

Steve picked a pillow up off the couch and chucked it in Pony's direction, only for the youngest Curtis to close the door just in time.

Soda noticed that Steve wasn't looking for a moment and started to hide another ace.

Steve caught Soda's move out of the corner of his eye and grabbed the hand that held the card. "Caught you red-handed that time, buddy."

Soda started to whistle, casually sliding the ace back into the deck between them. "Caught me doing what, Stevie?"

Darry's voice came from the edge of the kitchen, as he looked in at Soda and Steve. "Isn't he just the picture of innocence, Steve?"

Steve rolled his eyes, unable to keep from smiling. "He sure is. It's pretty damn scary too."

Soda gathered up all the cards, as he started to whistle again, fingers poised to shuffle the deck. "Yep. I'm terrifying, ain't I? You just never know what's happening in my head." He paused, in mid-shuffle, when he decided to hand the cards over to Steve. "I, uh, I'll be right back. I just need a minute."

Steve took the deck, noticing the fallen expression on Soda's face. "Okay, buddy."

Darry remained near, as he saw Soda go off down the hall, then heard the click of a bedroom door closing. "What was that?"

"I'm not totally sure." Steve looked down the hall, as he split the deck of cards in half. "But I think you should take this one, Superman."

* * *

"Hey, sweetheart, you've been alone for a while now."

Vivian sat on the bed she shared with Samuel, hazel eyes looking up to meet his blue ones. "My doctor said it's okay for us to try again in a couple of months."

Samuel went over to his wife and sat down with her, an arm wrapping around her waist. "Okay. So we'll do it. We'll try again when-"

"I don't want to, Samuel."

"You don't?"

"No. The thought of being pregnant again, it doesn't make me happy. It makes me nervous, just to imagine it."

"We could always give it more time, honey. We don't have to try for another baby that soon."

"I don't think I'm ever going to want to. The biggest part of me wants a baby so much, but another part wishes there could be another way."

* * *

_"Dar, can I sleep here with you?"  
_

_Darry patted the pillow next to him in response to Soda's question. "Of course you can."_

_ Soda crawled into the bed with Darry, curling up close to him._

_ Darry reached to pull the covers around his middle brother and then wrapped an arm around him. "I know it's been hard for you to sleep in there, little buddy."_

_ Soda burrowed closer, so that his head rested against Darry's chest, voice shaking, as he spoke. "Feels so empty, and I just end up crying."_

_ Darry's eyes moved around his bedroom, taking in its darkness, as he rested his own head against Soda's, his heart squeezing in empathy and regret. "I know, and I'm so sorry."_

_ "Love you, Dar."_

_ "I love you too. So much." Darry's arm tightened its hold on Soda, as he closed his eyes. "And after this, I swear I'm going to say it more."_

* * *

"Sodapop? You all right, little buddy?"

Soda leaned his head on the window, looking down at his hands, as he answered Darry's question. "I don't know, Dar."

Darry went over to Soda, settling next to him, a hand moving up to touch his brother's head. "I didn't even ask you yet how your appointment went."

"Okay, I guess. Talked about a lot of stuff. She didn't give me anymore medicine. I didn't want her to anyway."

"I didn't either. Not after that."

"I sure did scare you real bad, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Darry, I think there's something I need to tell you cause I've felt it for an awful long time, and you- you might be the only one that can help it go away."

"Okay. You can tell me anything you need to."

Soda let himself lapse into silence, feeling Darry's hand move to his back ,the touch one of such warmth that he turned to lay his head on his brother's shoulder.

More than a minute passed, before Darry spoke once more. "Steve told me about what you were saying on that Valium. Is this anything to do with that?"

"Yeah."

"You didn't do anything wrong the night Pony ran away, Sodapop. You were the only one who was calm, the only one who tried to make peace."

"But what if I'd just stayed out of ya'll's fight, Darry? Or what if I'd tried harder to stop it? I got in the middle, and you hit Pony cause of me."

"No, I didn't. I hit Pony cause I was scared, exhausted, and frustrated. I yelled at you for the same reason. But you were right. I did need to back off him. I kept yelling, and that was only escalating things."

"I just wanted ya'll to stop. Cause I knew Pony didn't mean to fall asleep in the lot, and I knew how worried you'd been too." Soda lifted his head from Darry's shoulder, his eyes meeting his brother's. "I hope you know I wasn't just sticking up for Pony. Not that night or ever. It was always for both of you."

"I do know that, little buddy. I know you were never taking sides. You've told us before how you couldn't. And I'd never want you to anyway."

Soda's head dropped, his gaze drifting down to his lap. "I didn't do enough for you guys that night, Darry. I should've done better."

"No. You aren't responsible in any way at all, little buddy. You didn't make that split-second decision to raise your hand in anger. I did. You didn't make the decision to turn around and run out the door. Pony did."

"But Pony only yelled at you like he did cause-"

"Cause he didn't like me yelling at you. But that's not your fault. What can I say? What's going to stop all this guilt? You were the only one who was right that night." Darry lifted a hand and put it on Soda's chest, feeling his brother's heart beating beneath his shirt. "You have the sweetest, softest heart, Pepsi Cola. I love that about you. You're always the one to want and need to take care of everyone in your life any way you can. You also have a sensitive heart, and that makes you vulnerable to getting hurt by both others and yourself. Especially when you're not able to stop whatever may be happening. That's why you feel guilty over this. You couldn't stop the pain." Darry, tears swimming in his eyes, moved his hand from Soda's chest, then grasped his wrist.

Soda felt his own hand being pressed to his chest, the heartbeat that he'd all too often imagined trying to stop going in a steady life-giving rhythm.

"But this right here" Darry kept his hold on Soda's wrist, making sure his brother felt the beat that was the center of his soul. "this heart that makes you who you are, that makes you our Sodapop, it's always in the right place."

* * *

"He's right, man. About all of it."

Soda felt Steve's hand on his shoulder, as the two friends sat on the hood of the Ford that was parked in the Curtis' driveway. "I'm trying to believe him, Stevie."

Steve puffed on a cigarette, flicking ashes to the ground. "Shit was out of your control, buddy. You feel how you feel, but it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You know what else I think?"

"What?"

"Back then, a lot felt out of your control. Hell, it was out of everybody's control way before all that even happened. You were already sad and grieving with no way to make any real sense out of it. You couldn't bring your parents back, and that left you to hold onto your brothers as tight as you could. Then, it got worse, and you couldn't fix it. So you turned around and blamed yourself, like that could let you have some sort of control."

"Oh. Yeah. I guess I did."

Seeing the hurt look on his best friend's face, Steve put his arm around him. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing, buddy. Just that it's how you reacted to a ton of pain. You've heard all about how I did it too. And I know you were a lot older, but sixteen is still a kid. Hell, you're not exactly old now."

"After all this lately, you'd think I'd have as many gray hairs as Darry."

Steve's eyes moved over to Soda's head, mock scanning his hair. "Eh, you've only got a few."

A chuckle escaped Soda's lips. "Well, maybe I'm still good then."

Steve gave Soda a squeeze, as his gaze drifted over to the Curtis' house with its single porch light that shone in anticipation of falling night. "You want to know who else I think you need to talk to?"

"If I say no, you'll still tell me anyway."

"True."

"Who?"

"Pony."

"Yeah. I know. You already said that cause you told me I should talk to both of them."

"I did. But the kid wants so much to help you, buddy. And this, well, it seems like the perfect chance for him to do that."

* * *

_"I told you I don't know where the fuck he is. Why are you giving me this?"_

_ Soda shoved the envelope into Dallas' hands, a letter he'd written and half of his paycheck enclosed. "Just take it. I know you ain't telling the truth, Dal."  
_

_Dallas took the envelope from Soda, turning away, as he looked down at it, seeing Pony's name written in the middle Curtis' scrawl. "You really are sure of yourself, man."_

_ "You'll see to it he gets that?"_

_ "You're not ever going to believe me, are you?"_

_ "I sure as hell ain't. Cause I don't have a whole lot to hold onto right now. I know you know how to be a buddy, so just make sure Pony gets the damn letter."_

* * *

Pony sat at his desk, bedroom lit up by the just-risen sun. His pencil moved along the page in his sketchbook, as he glanced up to see Soda in the doorway. "Hey, you're up awful early."

Soda came all the way into the room, sitting down on Pony's bed, as he undid the velcro on the splint. "Yeah. Woke up and couldn't get back to sleep."

Pony closed the sketchbook and set his pencil down, moving from the desk chair to the bed. "Something bothering you?"

Soda slid the splint off his arm and put it aside, his expression becoming one of contemplation. "Did you ever blame me?"

"Blame you for what? What are you talking about?"

Soda saw Pony's green eyes that revealed his confusion and concern, then looked away with a shake of his head. "Nothing. I'm just tired. Why don't we go make some breakfast?"

* * *

"Dad, are you going on one of your cooking kicks again?"

Nicholas added another slice of bacon to the pan, the hot grease sizzling, as he glanced at Steve. "You wouldn't mind if I am, would you?"

Steve, still clad in the shorts and T-shirt he'd slept in, yawned in response. "Nah. Guess I wouldn't."

Nicholas spooned eggs and hashbrowns onto a plate and held it out to Steve. "Here you go, Son."

Steve grabbed a fork and took the offered breakfast. "Thanks, Dad."

"You're working this afternoon, right?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Nicholas turned down the heat on the still-cooking slices of bacon. "Because I'm wanting me and you to spend the morning together."

* * *

_"Okay if I crash here tonight? My dad's being a pain the ass."_

_ Soda stood on the front porch, leaning against the railing, as Steve came up the steps. "You don't gotta ask that, Stevie. Of course you can. Couch is all yours."_

_ Steve dropped down onto the porch swing with a sigh. "Yeah. I know. It's just with everything going on..."_

_ "If anything, you're more welcome over here cause of that. What's up with your dad?"_

_ "He just needs to put the damn bottle down. Makes him irritable sometimes."_

_ Soda was about to reply when Darry flung the front door open. "Darry, what-?"_

_ Darry's breaths came quickly, as he spoke. "Get your shoes on, Sodapop. We're going to the hospital."_

* * *

"I think that's enough chocolate syrup, Sodapop."

Soda disagreed with Pony, as he held the bottle of chocolate syrup over his glass of milk, the dark brown liquid nearly pouring into it. "No such thing, little brother."

Pony looked over at the scrambled eggs, the dyed color making him smile. "Who are you? Dr. Seuss?"

Soda stirred the chocolate into the milk, then took a long swallow. "Hell, if I am, I think I'll be needing some ham to go with my green eggs."

Darry's voice came from the edge of the kitchen. "Damn, if it ain't Thing One and Thing Two."

Pony was quick to correct his older brother. "Wrong book, Dar. There's no cat around here."

Darry grinned, as he gave Pony a light shove. "All right, smarty pants."

Soda put some green eggs on a plate and held it out to Darry. "Will you eat them in the house or with a mouse?"

Darry shook his head, laughter bubbling out of him. "You're a trip, little buddy."

Soda shoved the plate into Darry's hands. "Eat them. Eat them. Here they are."

Darry took the plate of eggs, eyes on his middle brother's big smile. "Okay. I will eat them. I will eat them just for you, Sam-I-Am."

* * *

_Darry, what the hell happened? You gotta tell me something. Please."_

_ Darry heard Soda's pleading, as he backed the truck out of the driveway, already gaining speed when he hit their neighborhood street. "Pony's at Hillcrest. There was a fire."_

_ Soda heard the engine rev, as the truck drove out of the neighborhood, picking up more speed. "A fire? Where?"_

_ "I don't know yet. They wouldn't say much over the damn phone."  
_

_"Is he okay?"_

_ "That's what we're going to find out, little buddy. So just hang on tight."_

* * *

"Dad, you're staring at me, like you think I'm about to explode or something."

Nicholas chewed and swallowed the last of his breakfast, not moving his eyes away from Steve. "Well, are you?"

Steve finished off the hashbrowns he'd drenched in ketchup, the events and emotions of the entire week playing through his mind. "No. I'm not. Cause I feel like everything is starting to be okay."

* * *

Soda caught the football that had flown in his direction. "Damn. Nice throw there, Pone."

Pony stood across from Soda in the vacant lot, watching as his middle brother gripped the football with his left hand and started to draw his arm back. "I think it's from watching Darry."

Soda released the ball, seeing it spin, as it moved through the air toward Pony, his little brother's hands automatically reaching out to catch it.

* * *

_Darry's truck screeched to a stop in front of the emergency room, tires barely between the painted white lines of a parking space._

_ Soda flung open the passenger door and slid out of his seat, feet hitting the pavement._

_ Darry was right behind Soda, slamming the driver's side door shut._

_ Both brothers hurried across the lot, urgency not losing its power, as they disappeared through the hospital's entrance to see what awaited them on the other side._

* * *

"Hey, Stevie, whatcha doin'?"

Steve, clad in his DX uniform, looked up at Soda, who sat on one of the jungle gym's bars. "About to go to work. Heard you were here."

Soda swung his feet that dangled a small distance off the ground. "Yeah. Was throwing the football around with Pony at the lot. He went back home, but I walked over here."

Steve climbed up on the jungle gym and sat on the bar beside his best friend.

Soda looked down at his feet, then at the ground below. "I can't do it, Stevie."

"Can't do what?"

"Tell Pony, you know, about the guilt and stuff."

"You don't have to, buddy."

"This morning, I asked him if he ever blamed me. But I didn't explain, so he has no idea what I meant by that."

"You don't have to rush it, man. Maybe you're just not ready yet. But I promise you there's no way that kid ever blamed you for anything."

"It's so damn hard to let go of those kind of feelings. Like they've been there trying to strangle me or something. Everything else has been too."

"Yeah. But I think you're starting to find some peace, buddy. You've been talking, crying, laying it all out there. The pain's losing power, and the only thing you've gotta do now is give it time."_  
_

A/N: So that's a wrap! I never ever expected this series to grow into four consecutive stories, but look out for the title "Lighted Passages" soon!


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